The Right Way to Recover From a Fight {3 Practical Tips Worth Remembering}

By Kathi Lipp on Friday, January 31, 2014

The Right Way to Recover from a Fight

It is not often the prolific yet down-to-earth Kathi Lipp is able to guest post for us here at Happy Wives Club.

She’s the author of The Marriage Project and a ton of other wonderful books, she speaks, she teaches and when she’s not doing one of those three things she’s wife, mom and friend.

I’m honored to have here today with some very practical advice. 

Purposing to agree to disagree or resolve an issue without it resulting in an argument is always the goal.  But when that fails…here are 3 tips to recovering quickly…and the right way.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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It had been a rough day.

My husband, Roger, and I both had surgery within the past month, and neither of us was getting a lot of sleep.

On top of being tired and in pain, we were both feeling the pressure of not accomplishing the things we needed to get accomplished with work, kids, church and life.

And that’s when the fight happened.

No, it wasn’t a knock-drag-out kinda fight. (Roger has much too calm a personality for our disagreements to escalate.) But he felt he was right and I wasn’t respecting that, and I had a different view point and didn’t feel I was being heard.

It lead to some not so uplifting and encouraging words.

These tensions happen to the best of couples. But how do you recover when there is obviously something strained between you? Here are a few techniques that, after the initial blow up, I use to help me (and us) get back to normal:

1.    Step Away

No, this doesn’t mean stomping off in a huff and slamming a door along the way just to make sure he knows that you’re mad. (Trust me, he knows…) This means getting a glass of water from the kitchen, taking the dog for a walk, or any other tactic to get you out of the red zone to stop you from escalating the situation.

2.    Stop Making Your List

Yep – it’s easy to start tallying all the ways your husband said the wrong thing, said it in the wrong way, and at the wrong time. This is where as an adult, I need to start looking at how I contributed to the blow up. Yes- I may have had valid points, or even been in the right, but this isn’t a customer service rep who isn’t helpful, this is my husband who I love and will be dealing with for a long time. Figure out your pattern and how it can be more constructive next time.

3.    The Objective is to Resolve – Not to Win

As long as you’re fighting, no one on either side will be heard and nothing will be resolved. Start sentences with phrases like, “When you said ___________, I felt ___________.”  Or, “What I heard you saying was _____________.”  These sentences keep you from blaming, and give both you and your husband time to work towards a resolution. And a resolution is the only way that either of you “win”.

Small conflicts in a marriage are healthy – and help you practice for when the bigger issues come up. Take these three steps to heart so that you and your husband will feel closer after a disagreement, not further apart.

Question:  How do you and your husband recover from a fight (or disagreement)?

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Kathi Lipp

Kathi is a speaker and the author of seven books including The Husband Project and The Marriage Project with four more books coming out in the next two years. Kathi’s articles have appeared in dozens of magazines, and is a frequent guest on Focus on the Family radio where she was named “Best of Broadcast.” She can be found blogging at KathiLipp.com. She and her husband Roger are the parents of four young adults in San Jose, CA.

 

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  • Jaide

    Use silly repair attempts that will make your husband laugh like sticking out your tongue (don’t do it if you know he won’t.) Do something that attempts to cool down the situation. One repair attempt that I use is just hugging my husband even if I don’t feel like it. It’s a silent way of saying, I love you and I don’t want to fight.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That’s a great repair option.

    • Sierra Arion

      I often do the ‘hug even when I don’t want to’ tactic (I know he does too). Funny thing is that before the hug is over, we both discover we DO want to be giving that hug!

    • kathilipp

      Love that – great way to diffuse the tension.

  • Dianne Leonard

    I loved these tips! I really need to step back and think about this when I feel my anger creeping to the surface. I certainly am irrational at times which isn’t fair to a very supportive and understanding hubby. Thank you!

    • kathilipp

      Dianne- I think one of the best things I’ve implemented is my “Friend Policy”. When I feel irrational, I call one of my two trusted friends who will steer me in the right way, (not adding fuel to the fire.) They are the ones who will talk me off a ledge when I’m ever so slightly “losing it”! (And I can do the same for them!)

  • Sierra Arion

    We both take a “time out” if we get irritated with each other (which is extremely rare). Then, if we’re at home, we go to our “meeting place” when we’re ready, which is our couch. Then, even if we’re still irritated, we hold hands and start to talk it out calmly. We find that that contact, holding hands, takes away at least 50% of the tension, no talking even required. Usually, by the time the conversation is through, we’re completely tangled up with each other and laughing again.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Brilliant! Love that you have a “meeting place.”

  • Robin Weatherby

    My husband likes to ‘not talk about things’ when he’s upset, which he calls ‘taking time to think,’ and which I call ‘avoiding the situation.’ I, on the other hand, tend to want to jump right in and discuss whatever is bothering me; the sooner to get it out in the open and the quicker to get it resolved. We’ve learned, over the 10 years we’ve been married (May 1st, SQUEE!), to compromise with each other’s preferred method of discussion. Now, he’ll at least tell me that he’s upset, but isn’t quite sure how to say what he wants. That gets rid of my sense of him keeping something from me, which really does lessen the feeling of tension for me. For me, because I don’t want to ‘think’ about how I’m feeling, I’ve learned that I need to – at the very least – take several long, deep breaths to calm down and speak rationally, so he doesn’t feel like I’m attacking him. We’ve also learned that even a simple hug when we’re upset with each other can help ease the tension and strain, and then the coming discussion and, often, the discussion we’ve just had, is easier to get through and deal with.

    • kathilipp

      It’s great that you’re taking each others personalities into consideration Robin. Congrats on the 10 years!

  • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

    Wonderful, practical suggestions, Kathi! I think #3 is absolutely the best: it’s about resolving, not winning. That is such an incredibly important takeaway for a healthy marriage!

    • kathilipp

      Thanks Kim!

  • Peace45

    Ladies, I need help here. Whenever I tried to say, “When you said (fill in the blank), I felt (fill in the blank)”. My husband’s reply is usually, ‘That was not my intention’ and “I can’t do anything about your feelings” …. that is hurtful. How would you suggest I handle it?

    • Melissa Odonnell

      Mine Says Something Similar, “It’s Not My Fault You Feel That Way.” Well Kind Of Is lol.

      • Peace45

        Exactly! What do you do about it?

    • kathilipp

      “I’m so glad that wasn’t your intention. How would you like me to bring this up to you when I’m hurt?” Assuming the best about him is the way to start.

    • naneth

      me three :)

    • Teri

      Ask the guys saying “not my fault” if his intention is not to hurt you or make you angry, then how could he come across differently for a different outcome? It is the outcome that matters really, not the intent! And if majority of people would say that hurt or angered them or he was being a “donkey” then he is being one and buy a saddle or change the way of behaving.

  • Shelby

    I usually remind him I don’t like being in the middle of a disagreement with him and ask him “How do we get to the other side of this?” That automatically puts us on the same side working toward a common goal. It also give us the idea of what being on “the other side” of the argument looks like which makes it easier to get there.

    • Christina Parker

      Thank you, truly, this seems to be very helpful and I love the suggestion of doing it TOGETHER… we often seem to shut down and tune one another out in an argument and this might just be that magic button we need to turn back on the LISTENING part of loving one another, even in our differences…

    • kathilipp

      I love that- pulling in the same direction Shelby!!

  • Vashti Encarnacion

    Awesome article with great practical tips. The biggest challenge I face is feeling like I’m constantly walking on eggshells to avoid a blowup. Our “heated fellowships” are often hours long and the past with a laundry list ALWAYS creeps in. 14 years later with a ton of hurt and unresolved issues has me in a not so nice place……

  • Choirgirl

    No matter how careful ally I phrase the issue, he takes it personally and turns it into “I’m the worst husband ever, I don’t know why you love me, you should just leave, blah, blah, blah.” This explains why our issues,are the same after 30 years of marriage and why I just don’t even try to discuss things anymore

  • Megan

    So helpful! My husband is very laid back, and doesn’t mind saying something that starts an argument, but he wont argue.. I, however, am the opposite! I probably fight and argue too much, and over things that don’t matter. I really think I need to just learn to step away before I escalate the fight! Thank you for posting this!

  • Daniela

    I have a problem with my husband, he usually makes me promisses that he doesn’t keeps. He went out on a job trip and I asked him to keep me noticed when he goes out and when he returns to sleep. He promised he will, but for 2 days he didn’t, at first I was really mad but then I decided that it had no sense to make a big deal out of it, so I just told him to please think before making me promises, and that if he thinks he won’t be able to keep them, then don’t do them. He got kind of angry and started saying that he won’t promise me anything anymore because I don’t value his promises. I really don’t know how to deal with this. I tried to be patient and calmed with the situation but it’s really getting on my nerves right now. The worst part is that we can’t talk on the phone, everything is on text messages. What do you think I should do?