The Best Piece of Advice for Newlyweds – Ever

By Fawn Weaver on Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Best Piece of Advice For Newlyweds - Ever

I learned something quite extraordinary as a newlywed.  Something I wasn’t expecting in the least.  You may have experienced this, as well.  

Some people -even those with the best of intentions- give the absolute worst advice!

During the courtship phase, everyone asks questions like, “When is he going to propose?”  ”Has he proposed yet?”  

These and other questions like them can cause a bit of angst and make you feel as though you’re not moving fast enough.

Then you get engaged and everyone gives an endless amount of advice on the wedding.  

Who knew so many people would have an opinion on your dress, wedding invitations, the bridal registry and table seating arrangements?

The great thing, however, is during this engagement period, most seem to speak positively about love, marriage and the joy you’ll experience after I do.  

There is an optimism in the air and it feels oh so good.

Then something odd happens.  The wedding day comes around, we pledge til’ death do us part, and head out into the real world hand-in-hand; excited about our new life together.

Within days, the advice begins pouring in and most of it is…dare I say…pretty doggone negative.  

Everyone begins warning you about all the things that can possibly go wrong in marriage.  The bubble of happiness surrounding you goes pop! just that fast.

More than any other point, when newly married women joining the club send me a note, they recount this exact same problem.  They just want to hear someone say something good about marriage – anything…anyone.

Over the years, I’ve stopped giving advice.  I prefer to be more of a learner than a teacher and have discovered what works for one person may not work for another.  I absolutely love giving tips, suggestions, and encouraging wives to create their happily ever after.  But advice?  Not so much.

The one exception to my non-advice “rule” is this one piece of advice for newlyweds.  I share it with every newly married person I meet.  It’s the one thing I wish someone had told me in the beginning (and once someone finally did, it was like pouring rain on the Mohave Desert):

Only listen to advice from those whose marriages you’d like yours to emulate.

That’s it.  The beauty of that one piece of advice is it’s universal. It gives a couple permission to disregard all negative advice and focus on all that is wonderful and positive about their new union.  

I tell them, “Let the negative stuff go in one ear and out the other.  But the positive stuff, allow that to go in, marinate, meditate, and never let it go.”

We’re not telling them to live in a bubble or to pretend everything in life will always be perfect.  But we are encouraging them to seek out a couple (or many couples) in their family or community who have mastered the art of love and bring out the best in each other.

In that singular piece of advice, we’ve validated their belief that happy marriages do still exist, a lasting one is possible, and it can be theirs to have and to hold til’ death do them part.  And really, when a couple is newly married, what else do they need to know?

QUESTION: Do you remember what was the best (or worst) advice you received as a newlywed?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club
Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • Peach

    Fawn I couldn’t agree with you more , about the negative comments, by the well meaning AND to take advice from those you want your marriage to be like!!! My husband and I have been happily married , by the grace of God for 35yrs. If we’d listened to the naysayers through the yrs and not stood on the promises of God and the godly couples who crossed our paths, we would not be! People kept telling us, wait till the honeymoon wears off, and then this one, things always change or EVERY couple ALWAYS goes through a period of disillusionment. We are still waiting for all three. I am not saying we haven’t had to work through things, we are two people becoming one, but we have not had a period of disillusionment. And I still love being with him more than anyone else.I also credit that to the grace of God and because when we began our marriage it was for the glory of God and HE WAS OUR FIRST LOVE.We had no illusions that another person would make us happy.We got married because we loved each other yes, but felt like God called us together to accomplish His plan for our lives.

    As for things changing YES they have, they have gotten even better! My heart goes out to those who are dissapointed in marriage and all the things, the negative things have happened to them.Sometimes it even seems in the church , people feel I need to apologize for having a God centered and blessed marriage.But I don’t because that would not give testimony of what GOD CAN DO!!

    As we believe that the marriage relationship represents the relationship we have with Christ, just as we grow more in love with God, we can grow closer to each other in marriage! And we have! The romance is still hot, my heart still skips a beat when he comes in the room or comes home from work!

    With the same burden and mission you had for marriage and starting your pg ,God has lead my husband and I, as lay people in marriage ministry. We want people to know there is HOPE for marriage.Marriage is not perfect, only our God is, but it sure can be good!!!!

    I once had a family member tell me they were concerned for me as I lived in a dream world, because after all I was foolish for trusting my husband, because someone always cheats.At that point I had been married for 25 yrs, and I told them I’d stay there, in my dream because it was pretty good and ask them if they had something they needed to tell me about my husband. I told them I trusted God to reveal to me if my husband ever cheated and until then , I would trust my husband.Nothing to tell me just negativity!! They chuckled at my comment and then just dropped it, as if to say, you are hopeless!

    What saddens me most is people not believing how good our God can be! Either we believe what His word says or we don’t! God can have children who follow Him and He is the God of the impossible !!! So why not believe He can bless our marriages and our homes and that He meant for our marriages to be different from the worlds! Yes things to work through, but STRONGER , loving God more and more in love with our spouses after going through them and growing together! And representing the love and relationship of Christ with the church to the world!!

    Thanks for what you do for the Lord and for marriage!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Wow, Peach! Happy 35th anniversary and I’m so happy you never listened to the naysayers. What do they know anyway?? :)

      • Peach

        Amen! As you said, listen to those who marriages to emulate.

        • Peach

          Sorry, you want to emulate. It’s late here :)

  • Alys

    I absolutely became a part of this community to hear anything positive about marriage. I adore my husband and he makes me happier than I could have dreamed of. I often feel judged because I am happy and there is nothing I hate more than the phrase “oh your a newlywed no wonder you are happy, that will wear off”.

    Your advice about only listening to people who’s marriage you would like to emulate is 100% spot on. I would like to think that we might have a marriage that people would want to emulate one day too.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh gosh, I remember that one, Alys! So happy you’re not giving that one the time of day. Love is beautiful and it’s all yours!

  • Mich

    this is the best advise Ive received the day I got married which was one month ago I have never been more in love with my husband and Im pretty sure its not because of the newly wed phase we have decided to focus on only what matters to the two of us and what will benefit our marriage, if we were to receive advise from someone we would both discuss it and decide together if its advise that we could benefit from, that way it eliminates an argument. Thank you for all your exceptional advise and real life stories I have learned a lot and I have a very long way to go.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Congratulations!! Woohoo! You have just embarked on a truly beautiful journey. So excited for you, Mich!

  • safi

    im married for nearly three years now and I am more happy and in love now then after our wedding but yes I also remember the quotes: just because you are newlyweds. but the other day someone said to me; so when did you get married? and they were shocked and said; you look like you are on your honeymoon. and I got compliments for our love to each other especially after our daughter was borne three months ago. I mean they compliment us because so many times a baby makes things rough and couples “drift apart” but she just made us closer than ever before :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That’s great to know, Safi! It’s funny because in the early years I hated getting the newlywed comments. But now that we’re in our 10th year, I LOVE hearing that comment :) .

  • Monice

    I am a one month old newly wed and I absolutely love this post. I want to believe that the glow I have on my face right now will still be there on our 10th anniversary….and yes, we may have ups and downs, but we will overcome that. My focus is on the couples who are happy in their marriages…..Good post!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, yes, yes – that glow can remain! In life there are ups and downs, curve balls thrown all the time, but as long as you and your husband can come together to overcome any challenge.

  • Elise

    I’m getting married in 72 days {aaah, but who’s counting?} ;) My fiance and I are mid-life, never married. We went through extensive pre-marital counseling at our church and have a mentor couple that we’ve been meeting with. The thing that has been most surprising is how many well-intentioned people give the most doom-and-gloom advise about marriage. It seems like all we hear about is how hard it’s going to be. We know what the statistics are. We know it’s going to be hard work. We don’t pretend to know everything about it. In fact, we both readily admit that we have no idea what’s coming. HOWEVER, what’s encouraging and so totally awesome about this blog post is that amidst the negative advice, etc., I’ve been thinking, well, there have to be GOOD things about marriage because {1} God ordained it and {2} lots of people get married {including the ones who keep telling me of said doom and gloom}. I understand trying to manage expectations but seriously? We kind of need to hear about what a good marriage CAN be like. That’s the advice I choose to listen to. The couples whose marriage I admire and desire to emulate, are {not} surprisingly, the only ones who have been authentic and shared not just the hard stuff about marriage, but the good stuff as well. They don’t sugar-coat, but they leave us with HOPE that it’s worth it and it can be GREAT and yes, it’s hard but it will be the best thing that’s ever happened to us. I think it was Piper who said that God’s purpose for marriage isn’t to make up happy but to make us holy. Amen. Please keep encouraging newlyweds and those of us who are soon-to-be-married.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, sometimes they take managing expectations a bit too far. But stay encouraged! Marriage is a beautiful thing. Takes alot of consistency and effort to make it great – but you can do it and what you decide to create from the beginning is exactly what it will be! <3

  • Jess

    We have been married almost a year (yay!), and I have to admit…I have received both good and bad advice from people whose marriage I have no intention of replicating! Everyone is different individually and as a couple, so there is no cookie-cutter solution for any marriage. It’s good to take unsolicited advice with a grain of salt and realize many people speak up for one of two reasons: 1) they genuinely want to offer advice they deem to be helpful or 2) they may be deflecting as a way to deal with their own negative experiences. Since my parents have been divorced nearly my entire life, I have more so received sound advice from them as far as what NOT to do in a marriage. Bottom line, listen to every piece of advice you are offered and then YOU decide which to apply to your own relationship. And if someone is repeatedly negative, maybe what they need is a listening ear and a friend.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Very good point, Jess. Listen to what “not” to do from those who know that topic best.

  • Jessica

    We’ve been married almost 3 years now and I have to agree that the thing I hate hearing most and have heard it very often since our wedding day, is “Oh, you (or they) are still newlyweds?! Well that makes sense why y’all are still so in love and happy. Things will change. That will wear off!” That’s a very sad outlook for anyone to have on marriage and certainly a negative, discouraging thing to say to any newlywed. I don’t think the happiness is doomed to “wear off.” Yes, life is hard and marriage can be hard. We face many trials, struggles and stress in life but I still believe no matter your circumstances happiness is a choice. I’m proud and thankful that after these 3 years (I mean come on, that’s not that long!) we still seem like in-love, happy newlyweds. That’s a good thing! Isn’t that what every marriage should be striving for? I’m glad our marriage is set apart and our love for each other and enjoyment of our marriage relationship is evident for others to see. I think the worst piece of newlywed advice I’ve ever received is “Enjoy the honeymoon phase of bliss while it lasts because it will come to an end.” Yes our relationship has changed since the honeymoon. We’ve both grown up, changed, matured and endured a lot since then. However, I don’t see why that necessarily means we must be less happy or our marriage is less blissful. Then I think the best piece of advice I’ve received is to love each other like there’s no tomorrow. It’s easy to let daily life tasks and stressors distract you from total devotion and love for one another. In order to maintain that same level of focus and love, I sometimes remind myself that there’s no promise of tomorrow and in the grand scheme of things in front of me my husband is the most important so I’ll love him and appreciate our marriage today like there’s no tomorrow!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I don’t think people realize how that statement computes when heard by newlyweds. My husband and had so many conversations about that in our early days of marriage because it bothered us. But then it caused an even greater resolution that we would remain that way all our years. 10 years later…we’re still enjoying newlywed life. You re right, there is no promise of tomorrow, so you’re staying focused on what matters most. And it’ll pay off with great dividends for you both :) .

  • Terri

    I have been married for 25 years the beginning of this month. I am more in love with my husband now then the day I married him! We have had our ups and downs but the Love always wins out. I have always told him and my children the same thing ‘No matter what you do or what happens, I will always Love you but that doesn’t mean at times I have to Like you.” This was the best advise I ever got when told to me a long time ago. It allows all the normal everyday human emotions to be acknowledged but makes Love the winner every time. And when you let Love win then you will always stay in Love. So I still have that newly wed feeling even after all these years because that feeling is Love. You can listen to any and all advise but you need to choose what works in your situation. If I hadn’t listened I would have never heard this life changing advise. God makes diamonds out of coal He can do the same with negativity!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Love this, Terri. That was great advice – and clearly advice that has stayed with you for 25 years. So let me be the first to say, Happy Silver Anniversary!! <3

  • Debbi

    The one thing I like to say to newlyweds is that the best part about being married is falling in love with your best friends every. I know I love my husband way more now then the first day we fell in love and that was almost eight years ago. We’ve been married more about five.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Beautiful, Debbi. Fabulous advice.

  • Kathleen

    I found the best advice in a book, it has helped me be the wife I need to be for my husband. It’s understanding the simple fact the my driving need is different then his. I need to be loved and reassured of it on a daily basis but that isn’t the case for him. He knows I love and already feels assured of the fact. What he can feel unsure of is whether or not I RESPECT him!!!! I do this by telling him how important he is to me and our children, how much I appreciate him going to work every day and working long days so I can stay home with our children. I also show respect for him by not speaking poorly about to friends or family or allowing anyone to speak poorly about to me, my children or him. This has been the best advice, we’ll be married 7 years :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Woohoo! I loved year seven. When we celebrated our 8th anniversary, my husband said, “Uh oh, we forgot to ‘itch’.” So much for the so-called 7-year itch! :)

  • Arielle Abel

    Oh, my goodness… SO true… Been married 9 months now- we’re 22 years old and are loving married life- though it has been the hardest, best growing season of our lives. Dating/ engagement- everyone was happy for us and commented on “young love”- how sweet it was… and now that we’re married- I feel like all I hear is how I’m too young to be married, shouldn’t have gotten married, It won’t last…. Sheesh! It’s terrible!!! Even among some Fellow Believers! Love the advice of only taking advice from those who’s marriages you want to emulate! Thank you!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So happy you found this helpful, Arielle!

  • Coleen McCrea Katz

    The best “advice” was from my mother. She said, “Most people will tell you that the first year is the hardest. I am going to tell you that the first 5 years are the hardest. In those first 5 years, you will have a baby (or 2), buy a house (or 2 as we did), and probably face some major financial issues. All of those are what are the really hard things are about being married.” Yup! She was right! I had one baby after 3 years of marriage and one after 5 years. We lived in our first house for 2 years and then moved. My husband’s law firm broke up just about the same time we moved in to our second house. I found out I was pregnant right after we moved. It was the trifecta of stressors.

  • happywife

    I have been married 1 year 9 months and we have been together 11 years 9 months. Marriage was the best thing to happen to our relationship… Everything simply became about our marriage. In all honesty, we received lots of advice over the years & I can’t remember a word of it! We as Husband & Wife vowed to spend our lives together and that is all that needed to be said. Marriage had such a positive effect on our relationship, it changed everything from our relationships with family & friends to our physical relationship and none of it was a negative effect. The day I married him, I still felt the same as I did 10 years earlier, when we were not much more than teenagers still, but Marriage still changed everything, because we decided that being Married was a wonderful thing, that was ours and ours alone. The best advice I can give you, is focus on you both as a couple, forget everything and everyone else because everything else will find its own rightful place in your lives, but all you need to be worried about is each other. Marriage can be a really special thing if you want it to be. A marriage is simply what you both make it. To this day, when I call him my Husband, it still feels like it did on that first morning as Husband & Wife & that I know will never subside, because I felt the same for 6 years when I was calling him my fiance.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That’s great advice!