5 Ways to Filter What You Say to Your Spouse

By Mark Merrill on Wednesday, September 18, 2013

A couple weeks ago, I stumbled upon a post by Mark Merrill on the power of words and how to filter them (without losing who you are).

I knew a similar post, focused specifically on ways to do this in marriage, would be great for this Club so I reached out to Mark’s lovely wife, Susan Merrill, and asked if she thought her hubby might be up for writing this post.

As a super strong-willed person, I can always use more help in this area! And item #2 was definitely an aha moment. I’m glad Mark said yes to my request. And I think you’ll be happy he did too.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

___________

I’ve often shared about the power of the tongue…how it can be used for good or evil. One of the strongest places we see the power of our tongue and our words play out is in our marriages.

Your spouse is your best friend, your hero, the love of your life. So what you say to them has a much stronger impact than you can imagine.

Due to this importance, I recently thought about some filters our words should have to pass through before they come out of our mouths. If they don’t make it through all of these 5 filters, then they probably should never be spoken.

5 Ways to Filter What You Say to Your Spouse

1. Do I have good motives? Is my reason for saying it beneficial to my spouse or only for selfish purposes? I have to be careful on this one. There have been many times in my life that I’ve said something that is very true, but I only said it so my wife would be impressed with me or because I was trying to manipulate her to do something for me.

2. Does it build my spouse up? Words are not neutral. They either tear down or build up. They are either hurtful or helpful. It makes me sad that I’ve let my hurtful words toward my wife pass through this filter all too often.

3. Is it confidential? Growing up, my dad stressed to me the importance of confidentiality. If someone tells me something in confidence, my job is to make sure I don’t ever mention it to another person.

4. If my spouse was present, would they be pleased with my words? You’ve heard this one before, but it’s always worth remembering. We should always honor our spouse whether they are with us or not.

5. Is it true? Truth trumps all. If it’s not true, don’t say it.

Many of us have struggled with one or more of these filters. And, of course, none of us regularly pass our words through all of them. But, these filters will hopefully guard our tongues from speaking evil and, instead, give us the encouragement we need to pour good into our spouses’ lives.

Which of these filters is toughest for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please share with me below.

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Mark Merrill

Mark Merrill is the founder and president of Family First. Mark hosts the Family Minute with Mark Merrill, a nationally syndicated daily radio program and has appeared on NBC’s Today Show, numerous ABC, CBS, FOX and NBC network affiliates and national radio programs. Mark is also the author of a new book, All Pro Dad—Seven Essentials to Be a Hero to Your Kids. Mark and his wife, Susan, live in Tampa, Florida and have five children. For more about the book visit AllProDadBook.com.

Latest posts by Mark Merrill (see all)

5 Ways to Filter What You Say to Your Spouse - September 18, 2013

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Amy

This is great!!! Thank you!
- http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club
  
  I thought so too, Amy! So happy you agree .
- http://www.MarkMerrill.com/ Mark Merrill
  
  Thank you for the encouragement Amy!
jennys

Confidentiality is definitely hardest. I want to share everything with my spouse.
- http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club
  
  For sure! Us gals love to chat, don’t we?
- http://www.MarkMerrill.com/ Mark Merrill
  
  You’re so right, it can be very difficult at times!
Learning thru Him

#2 hits home with me the hardest. I have a tendency to speak, when I know I should be quiet & rip him to shreds. God has been dealing with me tremendously in this area & now my husband questions me either when I say nothing at all or ‘Oh well, we just need to try this differently.”. That is hard for me, but I want to be on his side more than against him, so I have to make this happen.
- http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club
  
  #2 was so profound to me. I loved how simple Mark stated it, “Words are not neutral. They either tear down or build up. ” Put in that way, it helps us see -not just in marriage but in life- every time we open our mouths, we need to do so with the right intention because words are never neutral. Wow.
- http://susanme.com/ Susan Merrill
  
  #2 is my biggie also. I just need to vent. But venting isn’t always worth the release that it brings if my words cause someone else pain. It is hard for me to hold it in but worth it.
soulflowvinyasayoga

# 1 and 2 can contradict each other. Say for example spouse is gaining weight unhealthily. You know it’ll hurt, it won’t build them up to hear it, but eventually you have good motives to help them lead healthier lifestyle. I have battled this with spouse — guilt over saying it, but the gnawing voice that says I’ll regret it and he will suffer in long run poor health if not addressed.
- http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club
  
  I hear you! Been there. I think in that instance, at least in my experience, it’s about timing. Sometimes our spouses are ready to hear something and sometime’s there not and having that patience to wait for the right time has proven to be a lifesaver for me (and the hubby because he’s kind enough to do the same thing for me).
Tammy B

Huh. I’ve always assumed everything I tell a friend, will be shared with their spouse (and go no further). I would not share things my spouse says with a friend, but I’ve not considered that I shouldn’t share confidential stuff with my husband. (there are some things I wouldn’t, let’s say… if a friend shared childhood abuse or similar)
- Robin
  
  I tend to agree with you. My best girlfriend and I have actually discussed it- while we don’t necessarily share everything the other says with our husbands, it seems wrong on a really deep level to tell her, “I gotta tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone, even your husband.” I wouldn’t ask that of anyone, and if anyone asked it of me, I’d have to stop them.
  - Cyndi
    
    Yeah, i gotta agree. I wouldn’t keep something from my spouse, and everyone who knows me knows that. I think it’s important to have absolute openness with your spouse, not afford a friend a confidence at the cost of your marital openness.
    My friends just don’t tell me anything they wouldn’t want my husband to know because I’ve told them frankly that is my way of life.
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Hussane

no. 2 and no. 4 really hits me. when i told him things i notice about him, (i believe) those are true. But i can feel that although the things i say are true, and i meant it to build up his character, it makes him feel more down. I am really having a hard time trying to be truthful but at the same time make him realize that i am for him and not against him. He most often (well almost always) take my words as condemnation rather than a constructive criticism. He is really sensitive that sometimes i am afraid to even joke about something that would not offend him or got him thinking. Sometime i even ask myself when can i be my real self about some things that would not offend him?..And he being so sensitive and it frustrates me a lot, i tend to go to my closest friends and rant. Which i very well know he wont be pleased when he hears. I’ve been crying a lot to God to have more patience and love. Please pray for my marriage..
- Jessica
  
  This came up in a recent Bible study group I’m in. One of the older married women said, “There is no such thing as ‘constructive criticism’ if you are saying something in love. There is always a positive alternative to say. If even you would call it criticism, just don’t say it.” Her words were a powerful ministry to me and I really am struggling with it, but it’s working!