Let's Talk About Sex | Happy Wives Club

Let’s Talk About Sex

Please Note: This blog post is a part of a week-long School of Marriage series. If you missed the last two days, feel free to catch up here: Mastering Your Husband’s Love Language and Just Be Open.

I’ve heard a countless number of marriage counselors and psychologists say, “You can always tell the health of a marriage by a couple’s sex life.” I must say, I completely agree.

I read a stat from a report today that the average married couple only has sex 2-3 times per month. Sexual intimacy is profoundly important to marriage, and not just for men. As women, we tend to fill our days with more things than we can possibly get completed. We give everything we have (and more) and by the end of the day we’re pooped.

Sound familiar? But here’s the challenge. Our bodies – yes, both men and women – were designed to desire physical intimacy. The Jan 2012 report published by the Journal of Sex Research revealed that the median value for the number of times men thought about sex was 19 times per day and for women that number was 10. Thank goodness this report focused mainly on young men and women (20-something) because, wow, NINETEEN. Really?

In more comprehensive studies, it becomes clear the average man does not think about sex quite that many times…but yours might. The numbers vary widely from man to man. So how well do you know your husband’s sex drive? Have you ever asked him how often he thinks about sex each day? Your husband may not like to talk about alot of things, but I assure you, sex is probably not one of those things.

I remember asking Keith how often he thought about sex each day and then lining that up with how often we actually had sex. I was concerned. I knew the stats. Study after study has confirmed the adverse affects of a couple whose sex life has been neglected. A distance between them begins to form. The intimate connection which began at the start of the marriage begins to deteriorate. Nothing good comes from a sexless (or less than enough sex) marriage.

So what do you do if you’re busy, tired, and simply have no time or energy? Less. And more. Here’s what you do first. FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX. Forget about it. More likely than not, it’s wrong. It doesn’t matter what the average man thinks about, how often he wants to have sex, how women’s sex drives are usually several paces behind their male counterparts. There are only two people in your marriage and your stats are the only ones that matter.

Make it a priority. Take the time to initiate a conversation with your husband about that oft times dreaded three-letter word. Ask him if he feels fulfilled sexually. It’s a simple question. You may be afraid of the answer but simply ask and then listen. And listen some more. And listen some more. Have no preconceived thoughts, opinions, notions or potions. As we talked about a couple days ago, just be open. Initiate the conversation and then allow him to lead it. See where it takes you.

Keith nor I were virgins when we married. Far from it. But six years prior to our first date, I’d made a commitment to God that the next man I’d have sex with would be my husband. Keith had made no such promise but he honored my vow and heart’s desire. Shortly after we married, I realized, I knew alot less about sex than I thought. I’d been sexually active from the time I was maybe 15 until I was 19 and then I went cold turkey (in the spirit of full disclosure, there was one occasion after that commitment was made when I reconnected with my on again, off again beau and needed to restart my commitment).

I’d learned during the years leading up to meeting Keith how to enjoy dating, cuddling, kissing and allowing it to go no further than that. So imagine how out of sorts I felt once we were married. I had NO idea what to do. I was, in essence, a kid the last time I’d had sex and now I was a full-grown woman who was expected to know my body, what I desired, how I wanted him to please me. I didn’t.

The conversation I’m suggesting you have with your husband at the earliest appropriate time, is a conversation I’m quite familiar with. I forgot everything I thought I knew about sexual intimacy – threw it right out the window – and began with only one thing that mattered: how could my husband and I both have a fulfilling sexual relationship.

If you can relate to any portion of this post, my first suggestion to you is to simply have the conversation. My second is to purchase a book I read that changed our sex life forever. Subsequent to that time, I’ve purchased it for more women than I can think. The book is Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman. You can find it in your local bookstore, on Amazon, or wherever you purchase your books. But it completely changed the way I viewed sex, and more importantly, how I approached it in my marriage.

So how’s your sex life? Today’s as good of a day as any for your annual sex health check-up. And yes, you read that right. Annual. Don’t make this a one time effort. As life continues, and the pressures of the world come knocking at your door, you want to take refuge in your relationship, in your love and in your bedroom (or as this pictures shows, in your kitchen ).

Keep the fire lit in your marriage and your days will be filled with warmth.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club

Fawn Weaver is the USA Today and New York Times bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 1 million women in over 110 countries around the world. She’s an investor in real estate, tech sector and lifestyle brands. When she’s not writing or working, she's happily doting over her husband of twelve years, Keith (and sometimes manages to do all three simultaneously).