When I first saw the, “It’s Not About the Nail” video, I laughed my heart out.  And then realized, the reason it was so funny was for the first 8 years of our marriage, my poor husband was the one with the nail in his head.

It’s usually men who have the “fix-it syndrome” but in the case of my marriage, I was the one with the problem.  

What HWC contributor, Kim Hall, suggests here is almost identical to what I began doing to fix my “fit-it” challenge.

The beautiful thing about this “syndrome,” is the person trying to do the fixing means well.  It’s done in love.  And during the times when that way of expressing love becomes frustrating to your spouse (or vice versa), try this fantastic tip.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

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Have you experienced this before?

You and your husband are sitting together, enjoying a rare moment of quiet.

You turn to him and share about a problem you’re having, perhaps at work, or with a friend.

The moment you finish, your husband offers up his expertise in his concise and straightforward way.

He looks at you expectantly, waiting for your thanks, because he has just given you the best gift ever: a solution!

His expression quickly turns to dismay and puzzlement as he sees your anger beginning to flare.

“I just wanted you to listen. You don’t have to fix everything all the time.”

The fix-it syndrome has struck again.

This is such a familiar refrain in relationships that Jason Headley’s short and amusing, tongue-in-cheek video, “It’s Not About the Nail” went viral.

If you’ve ever felt similar frustration at not being heard, take heart.

There is a simple way to fix the fix-it syndrome.

First, it is helpful to remember that men and women are wired differently. While both sexes can be chronic fixers, men think more predominately in terms of problems and solutions.

Women enjoy discussing and empathizing, and especially like knowing they are being heard and understood. The process of solving the problem is almost as important as the solution.

Next time, instead of doing what you’ve always done and getting what you’ve always got, I invite you to do this:

Let your husband know what you want.

Tell him you just need to vent, for example, and need him to listen, that’s all.

Remember he is not a mind-reader.

To be even more proactive, give him the gift of this question he can ask you any time:

“Would you like me to listen, or would you like my help fixing this?”

It’s a fair and helpful question, and needs to be asked and answered with courtesy, compassion and respect, of course.

I can tell you that using that question in our household has contributed to much more peaceable conversations.

The funny thing is that whoever has the problem tends to be more open to advice, too.

As part of these conversations, you can these tips to avoid fights.

I also heartily endorse and echo what Kathi Lipp shared here recently: the objective is to resolve your difficulties, not to win.  After all, you and your husband are on the same team!

Question: How can you use these ideas to build a stronger marriage?

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim @ Too Darn Happy

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THE BOOK: Read the book that inspired the powerful TED talk and prompted author of The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman, PhD., to write the book’s foreword. Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, bestselling authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts said, “We’ve been counseling couples and writing marriage books for a long time, and we can say with absolute certainty, there has never been a book quite like The Argument-Free Marriage. If you think no such union exists, or if you’ve come to the conclusion that arguments are necessary in marriage, allow Fawn to challenge that notion and set you on a path to creating the greatest partnership in life: your marriage.”

What I love about writer, Kim Hall, is her ability to uncover marriage lessons in the unlikeliest of places.

One of the greatest truths I’ve learned over my 38-year life is there is a lesson in everything.  And I mean everything.

I intentionally seek out the lesson in all things -good or challenging.  And based on the unlikely place where Kim found these, she clearly does the same.  

I’d love to know in what unlikely place (or person) you’ve discovered a life changing marriage lesson of your own.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

___________

When you look for lessons in both good and challenging times, what you’ll discover will blow your mind. 

Have you noticed happily married couples have a certain look about them?

Their quiet strength and unique beauty remind me of the majestic and long-lived redwood trees.

The two actually have more in common than you may know.

1.  Bark for protection. Redwoods don’t do anything small, and their bark is no exception. It grows up to twelve inches thick and is naturally fire-retardant.

Marriage Lesson: Individuals in happy marriages cultivate qualities such as commitment, hope, and empathy, that form a similarly big and strong firewall of protection around the relationship. 

2.  Roots that spread out as well as down.  While conventional wisdom states that roots of any sort should go deep to provide the most stability, these giants actually rely on the additional strength of many to stay upright by weaving their roots into those of their neighbors.

Marriage Lesson: Finding mentors,  befriending other couples, and joining like-minded groups such as Happy Wives Club lends support to help your marriage withstand life’s storms.

3.  Canopy that supports a wider community. The large branches offer hospitality, safety, and room to thrive.

Marriage Lesson: A sound marriage provides similar benefits. In addition to sharing the joyful possibilities that begin with I do, your family is apt to be healthier, happier, take better care of themselves, and do better academically and economically. From that foundation, you can be a powerful force for good and giving.

4.  Plan for the future.  The redwood protects itself from drought by collecting literally tons of water from the fog that washes over the forest and then holds it in reserve.

Marriage Lesson: A carefully tended marriage, like a well-watered tree, is less apt to develop weakness and illness. Building up a reservoir of regular and satisfying communication, creating an atmosphere conducive to apology and forgiveness, and practicing gratitude can sustain relationships through difficult times.

5.  Capacity to inspire others. Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, “It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men’s hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air, that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit.”

Marriage Lesson: As Fawn shares often, media and culture paint an unflattering picture of marriage full of unhappy and desperate wives. Healthy marriages are beautiful and inspiring, even with their blemishes and scars. They have the power to encourage and renew the spirits of those who hoped happily ever after might really be possible.

 YOUR TURN: What marriage lesson have you learned in the least likely of places?

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim, your personal Sherpa of Joy at Too Darn Happy

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THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

I am fortunate.  I grew up believing anything was possible.  

My father was raised picking cotton in Houston, Texas.  Within 20 years, he became known as one of the greatest Motown producers in its history.

My grandmother was a blue-eyed, blond haired beauty in Germany during Hitler’s horrid reign.  She fell in love with my grandfather, an African-American serviceman fighting in WWII.

They had a child together, my uncle.  In the 1960s, it was so odd for an African-American man and a German woman to have a child together that the local circus in Germany inquired about acquiring my uncle to be displayed (not kidding).

Yet, they made it work and later moved to the United States as husband and wife.

I’ve always believed in impossible dreams.  I’ve never known otherwise.  However, for many of my friends and relatives, it is a harder concept to embrace.  

That’s why I love this post by HWC contributor, Kim Hall.  She gives a tangible step-by-step for taking a marriage from possibility-impaired to embracing the gift of possibility.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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What you experience in life shapes your beliefs.

These beliefs then shape your experiences. 

This endless loop of cause and effect can be positive, or it can leave you boxed in with beliefs like these:

Nobody can live debt-free.

Only college graduates are successful.

Being happily married is a fairy tale.

When you embrace these statements—and hear them echoed by culture as the absolute truth—you can become blind to seeing the joy in the everyday of your marriage.

Have you considered you might be possibility impaired in your marriage?

Possibility Impaired is a phrase I learned from real estate author Gary Eldred:

Who are the possibility impaired? This type of owner confuses his diamond in the rough with a lump of coal. These owners don’t see the potential that their property offers.

With a simple rephrasing, Eldred’s information offers terrific marital insight:

Who are the possibility impaired couples?  This type of spouse confuses her diamond in the rough with a lump of coal.  These husbands and wives don’t see the potential that their marriage offers.

If you have spent any time here at Happy Wives Club, you’ve read about the joy and satisfaction that is possible in marriage.

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns, obviously.

There is enormous effort, patience, lots of love and forgiveness involved.

There are the things you say that are just as important as the things you don’t.

There are the multitude of little things that add up to a marriage that lasts.

So how can you move from being possibility impaired to being open to the gift of possibility in marriage?

Begin by asking yourself these questions today:

What does being happily married look like for me?  You need a vision to work towards.

What has to happen for me to be happily married?  Your responses will help you plan for action.

What is one small thing I can do today to move towards a happier marriage? Start small and work forward.

The truth is this: If you are willing to entertain the possibility of being happily married, you will open the door to much greater joy in your own relationship. 

Questions:  Have you been possibility impaired in your relationships? What advice would you give to help someone see the possibilities of a happy marriage?

May you find happiness wherever you are!

Kim, your personal Sherpa of Joy at Too Darn Happy

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