*Welcome to week 12 of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Today, I’m concluding this series with one of the most important tips I’ve learned from the happiest couples around the world.*

_____________________________

This past Sunday was a picturesque day along the sunny beaches of Southern California.  Venice Beach, a small community whose shore I run along almost weekly, was bustling with people. 

Beachgoers soaking up the sun, licking ice cream cones before that delicious chocolate and vanilla swirled goodness dripped on the pavement below.  There was nothing unusual about this past Sunday, until it was.

Out of nowhere, a sunny day succumbed to monsoon moisture usually reserved for the mountain areas surrounding Los Angeles.  The sunshine, abruptly interrupted by a storm that lasted no longer than fifteen minutes but brought with it a deadly bolt of lightning.

“Boom!” was the sound scores of people recalled hearing while describing to reporters the lightning bolt they witnessed.  The sound was immediately followed by mayhem on the beach.  Lifeguards swarmed the waters pulling out as many people as they could reach. 

Smart phones and helicopters captured rescues and CPR being performed all across the sand.  But for one young man, only 20 years of age, it was a little too late.  His body had already gone cold.

That 20-year old, Nick Fagnano, was someone’s son.  The surfer who remains in critical condition, at a nearby hospital as I write this, is someone else’s son; likely even someone’s husband. 

Speaking to several hundred wives at a marriage conference this weekend, I shared the story of a wonderful friend of mine whose husband –at the age of 45 and at the height of his career- boarded a plane in San Francisco headed for New York to promote his newest book to never be heard from again.  

A perfect picture of health ended on that flight with a pulmonary embolism.  Imagine how his young wife felt when, in anticipation of his call from New York, she picked up the phone only to be told by the voice on the other end that her loving husband was gone and she was now the sole parent of two gorgeous little girls.

A hush went through the crowd.  “You don’t even know if the husband you just sat with for lunch and who is now sitting in the husbands-only seminar will still be there when we leave this ballroom,” I told the ladies as tears began to stream down many of their faces.

The one thing that will increase happiness in your marriage today is fully grasping this truth: Your marriage is not forever.

We tend to take for granted that our marriage will last until the very end of our lives.  But I can give you a list of young widows I’ve encountered who would trade the remaining years of their lives just to get five minutes back with their spouses.  Five minutes to share all the most important things they wish they’d said while their spouses were still alive.

There are well over 100 million widows around the world and you know how many of them took for granted the spouse they loved would be with them until the very end?  I can’t tell you an exact number, but based on the number of women whose eyes began to swell up with tears this past weekend as I shared my friend’s story, I’d say a pretty large percentage.

Your marriage is not promised another day. Today could be all you have remaining together.  Think about this every single time you and your spouse part in the morning and be grateful every time you see one another again in the evening.  Now is all you have.  

Gratitude is the gateway to happiness and being grateful for the spouse you have -right here, right now, in this moment- has the power to change your marriage forever.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

**NOTE: All the posts for this 12-week series have been compiled on this Pinterest board for easy selection.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week eleven of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

_____________________________

I’m always amazed at the number of husbands I meet who say in frustration, “I just don’t know what it is my wife wants from me.”

Sometimes we aren’t even certain what it is we want.  And in different seasons of our lives, what we desire might change.

To help, no matter what season you are in, try using these six keys consistently to help your spouse fulfill your every desire.

6 Keys to Getting What You Want from Your Spouse

1. Speak up. Whoever said to sweep things under the rug didn’t understand the idea of partnership and the intimacy required in a happy and successful marriage.

One of the biggest problems with sweeping issues under the rug is although things may seem pretty and put together on the surface, in order to continue sweeping more things under the rug, you have to actually lift it up.

And each time you lift up that rug to sweep more under it, the dust unsettles and you have to come face-to-face with the mess all over again.  Be honest.  Say what is on your heart.  It’s important to your spouse and your marriage.

2. Say what you mean but don’t say it mean. I’m not sure who originally coined that saying but it’s the perfect mantra for honest communication in marriage.

Timing is everything and today may not be the right time to say what is on your mind. You may not be in the right frame of mind to convey your feelings properly; out of love, from a place of vulnerability rather than aggression.  But just because today may not be the best day, don’t keep from sharing your heart soon.  It is the only way your spouse will know how to give you what it is your heart desires.

3. Acknowledge what they’re already doing right. One of the things I learned first in business and then carried into my marriage was this interesting truth: In order to get my staff to do better, I praised them for what they were already doing right. When I focused on what they did wrong, they quickly got discouraged and made more mistakes. But when I addressed the areas that needed improvement –at the right time- but buffered it on both sides with what they were doing right, they performed at their best.

That is just the way the psyche of humans work and that doesn’t just stay within the walls of business. In every area of life, especially your marriage. To get your spouse to do more, recognize what they’re already doing and praise them for that first.

4. Give without expecting anything in return. I know this might seem counterintuitive in an article about getting what you desire from your spouse. But it’s just the way the world works. We didn’t make it this way but it doesn’t change it’s how it works. When you give your all, expecting nothing in return, that is what comes back to you. It is when we begin giving with an expectation that we set ourselves up for disappointment.

5. Embrace the virtue of patience. Just because you give today, expecting nothing in return, doesn’t mean your spouse is all of a sudden going to begin giving you exactly what your heart has desired for many years. Nothing worth having happens overnight. But remember, this is the person you gave your whole heart to and pledged ‘til death do us part.’ So isn’t your marriage worth investing the time it takes to help your spouse understand how to please you?

Your spouse wants to give you your heart’s desire. If you ask them that question, you will find they will answer in the affirmative. But many will also say they don’t quite know what their spouse truly desires. And so it’s up to you –doing numbers 1, 2, and 3 of this post- to let them know and then help guide them there through love and patience.

6. Forgive and move on. Not one of us is perfect. Not you, not me. We all make mistakes. Your spouse is going to continue falling short in some areas, as will you. But the faster you can get to forgiving and return to focusing on what they do right, the sooner you’ll get your marriage to exactly where you desire it to be.  And the sooner your heart will be free to receive all the things it truly desires.

You don’t have to be the best communicator in the world to have a marriage that rocks your world.  Just make a commitment to share what it is that you truly want from your spouse so they can do everything in their power to make it happen.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week ten of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

_____________________________

The world comes crashing in every morning.

Emails sent throughout the night come streaming in at the simple touch of a button.

Kids running around needing to get packed for school, lunches made, rides and activities arranged.

That suit you fit in a month ago is now a little too snug around the waste and hips and so the search begins to find something in the closet that will be more forgiving than the pants that only button on deep inhales.

From the top of the morning, we can quickly begin to feel as though everything around us is spinning and there is no way to slow it down.  Suffocated by our own pursuit of success at home, at work, even both.

There is a way for you to hop off that hamster wheel.  Today.  In this very moment.  Why is that so important?  Because you don’t want to look at your life in the rear view mirror wondering how you missed so much.

Enjoying life means you have to be present in this moment.

Increasing the happiness in your marriage, and your overall life, doesn’t come from doing monumental things once a month.  It happens when you make the choice to do the little things that matter most each and every day.  

It occurs only when we make marriage a priority in the midst of a crazy, busy, constantly shifting world.

Marriage is one of the easiest things to allow to coast on cruise control before realizing it’s been headed in the wrong direction.  Back up, turn it around, and get intentional about where you’re going and the destination you’d like to arrive.

Your marriage is meant to be your still point in a turning world.  Allow it to be that.  Make that one of your greatest priorities.  This won’t give you all the answers but it is most certainly a place to start.

5 Simple Ways to Prioritize Your Marriage

1. Picture the future.  Imagine yourself vibrant and full of life at 65 years old.  What do you see?  What would you like to be doing?  Long after you’ve left your current company or they’ve downsized, what pieces of your life are most important?  When your children have moved out and begun a family of their own, what will be left in your home?  If your picture of the future, like mine, involves kicking back with a cool glass of lemonade and laughing with your spouse, now is the time to begin creating that future.  What you are building today will be the home you live in 20, 30, 60 years from now.

2. Invest time in a like-minded friend.  Some call them accountability partners.  Others simply call them good company.  Whatever you call them, find at least one friend who has the same desire in their life as you do so you can work toward those healthy goals together.  When you begin drifting from the plan you set in place to create a happy and loving marriage – that will continue well into your retirement years- your friend will help bring you back to shore.  With so much going on around us we can easily lose focus.  So keep a friend close by who is positive and sees life as you do and will encourage you to live your life in line with your stated prioritizes.

3. Determine what prioritizing your marriage looks like to your spouse.  Say something like this to your spouse: “I want to make you and our marriage a priority every day of my life.  What does that look like to you?”  Asking that question may yield some interesting results.  What you think signifies making your spouse a priority could turn out to be completely different than how they see it.  Questions like this can be humbling because oftentimes you discover you know less about what your spouse wants than you thought.  But these humbling experiences are also incredibly rewarding.  Remember, you and your spouse are constantly changing and evolving so questions like this keep you up to date on how they feel at this time of their life.

4. Make time to create a daily ritual.  I know I’ve been talking about this all year but how could I not?  After interviewing so many couples happily married for more than a quarter of a century, and learning they all have this in common, I’d be crazy not to mention it as often as possible.  There are 1,440 minutes in each day and using 40 minutes of that for a daily ritual will be one of the greatest uses of your time all day.

5. Calendar your dates like a million-dollar meeting.  “Sorry, we can’t join you for that as we already have something on our calendar,” is something we find ourselves saying often.  And it is 100-percent true.  There is something on our calendar: Us time.  I learned this last year from a couple I interviewed in Australia.  For decades, they’ve had “Date Night” on their calendar every Wednesday.  When they get requests to go somewhere or do something else at that time, they immediately respond with, “We can’t.  We’re booked.”  If you had a million-dollar business idea and had a meeting scheduled with an investor who could make it happen, would you ever think to cancel it?  That’s how you should treat this time with your spouse.  Once it’s on the calendar, nothing short of an emergency of catastrophic proportions should cause you to cancel it.

YOUR TURN: What other simple things have you found help you prioritize your marriage in the midst of a busy schedule?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week nine of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

_____________________________

If there is such a thing as eight words that can change your marriage -or at least how you communicate- they are quite possibly the ones contained in this powerful yet humbling phrase:

“[Insert pet name for your spouse], I think you should consider praying about that.”  

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across an old interview in which Oprah asked Iyanla Vanzant, “What is your personal prayer?”  In response, Iyanla gave three prayers she said will cover any situation, “Help!” “Help me now!” and “thank you.”

Thinking about that question for a moment, I don’t know that I would have been able to answer it because I have SO many prayers – daily, all day.  

“Thank you,” is certainly the one I use most often.  But when it comes to my marriage, if Keith and I aren’t seeing eye to eye and he uses that indisputable eight word suggestion, my go to prayer is very simple:

“Am I wrong here?  How do I quickly make it right?”

The simple suggestion of having your spouse pray about a disagreeable point rather than allowing it to escalate has the ability to preemptively end an argument before it has the opportunity to begin.  

Debating an issue is fine, even good in many cases…until it goes downhill.  And anyone married for longer than two weeks can probably attest to its ability to go downhill very quickly if there aren’t some safeguards in place. 

If I don’t agree with something Keith says or vice versa, but it’s important enough to one of us to continue the conversation instead of agreeing to disagree, rather than belaboring our own viewpoint, we usually send each other to pray about it.

Years ago, when my little sister got married, Keith and I created a journal for she and her husband to accompany their wedding gift.  In it, we shared all the best tips we’d discovered over the years that helped us cultivate an unwavering love and peace in our marriage.  When sharing this particular tip, Keith wrote:

“Truth be told, I stole this little suggestion from Fawn and adopted it as my own.  In the early stages of our relationship we were having a discussion where I was so confident about the accuracy of my perceptions that I was unyielding.  On this particular occasion I was winning the debate or so I thought…. 

“Enter the conversation show-stopper and a great argument preventer….  Fawn calmly said, “you should go pray about that…”   What do you do with that one?  A neutral third-party that happens to be God?  Suffice it to say, Fawn won that one! 

“It’s a very powerful tool that shouldn’t be misused.  After all, what goes around comes around.  Having said that, if you know that your spouse is wrong (or you think your spouse is wrong), directing them to prayer can only help matters.  It certainly makes it difficult to get upset, as it is so factual and indisputable. 

“Typically, when I invoke the prayer card, I talk to the Lord as well.  Your goal should always be how you can attain a mutual understanding.  If you can’t do this by yourselves, there is no better way to reconcile the issue than with God.”

Will these eight words all of a sudden make you the world’s best communicator?  Probably not.  But it will invite an unbiased, nonpartisan person into the conversation who loves you both and will only tell you the truth – even when you are the one that’s wrong.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day! 

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week eight of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club. Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

_____________________________

“Happily married people know that keeping score is what unhappily married people do.”  –Alisa Bowman 

“Oh, I never keep score,” I would have proudly proclaimed had you asked me a few years back.  

For the most part, that was absolutely true.  But as I examined my heart a few years ago, I realized, there are actually three ways of keeping score and I was guilty of at least one. 

The first way of keeping score is to keep track of what your spouse does wrong; focusing on the error of their ways. 

The second way of keeping score is to keep track of everything you do right; subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) expecting a reciprocation of sorts. 

That is the one I did most often and didn’t realize it until we were years into our marriage.  I wasn’t keeping track of when Keith did something wrong but I was keeping track of every time I did something right.

When I’d take out the trash instead of waiting for Keith to do it – count that as one point for me.  When I cleaned up the house or did laundry, especially when my work days were as jam packed as his, I’d look for a pat on the back.  

“Gold star for Fawn!” was the big joke in the house every time I did something for him or us outside of my normal routine.  It took me a few years, but I finally realized keeping a scoreless marriage wasn’t just about not keeping “score” of what Keith did wrong, but also of what I did right.

The third way of keeping score, and quite possibly the one that trips most women up, is a tendency to keep score against other marriages.  John bought Sally a new car for her birthday, always mows the lawn, cooks and helps in the kitchen.  Score one for the Johnsons!  David always opens the car door for Anne, puts his arm around her whenever they’re sitting down, and strokes her hand whenever he has a chance.  Score one for the Bates!  Look at the amazing vacation Adam and Tracy took.  Those pictures on Facebook are stunning.  Score one for the Andersons!

Whether we realize it or not, if we aren’t careful, this third way of keeping score can creep into any marriage.  Earlier in this series, I wrote a post on the danger of comparisons, and the responses were quite telling.  It was clearly one of the most common ways of keeping score.

All three of these ways of keeping score creates winners and losers and any one of them could be hurting your marriage.

So this week’s tip to creating a happier marriage is rather simple: strive daily to never keep score.  Rather than keeping score when your spouse does something wrong, apply grace.  Instead of keeping score when you do something right, remind yourself that giving is a blessing in itself, and when done unselfishly, has the same reaction as a boomerang – coming right back around to you. 

And the next time you think about keeping score against another marriage, remind yourself that every day, you have the ability to create the marriage of your dreams.  And your dream marriage should not replicate any other.  That would be quite boring –and unoriginal- don’t you think?

YOUR TURN: Have you ever kept score in your marriage?  What did you do to change that pattern?

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.