Today’s post is from an interview I conducted with a Happy Wife of more than 35 years for our Sage Wisdom column.  I will be archiving it soon and wanted to make sure you had a chance to read it before it’s removed from our home page.  

Over the next few days, I will be posting interviews conducted with women happily married for 35 years or more.  There’s so much wisdom to be gleaned from each of these interviews so I hope you’ll make the time to read each one.

Chutzpah & Common Sense

I was on the phone with Miriam for only five minutes before I fell in love with her personality.  There was an openness and honesty in our conversation that made her a delight to interview.  The boldness in her speech caused me to laugh out loud on many occasions.  She has what is referred to in Yiddish as chutzpah, which is a gutsy audacity.  She is not ashamed to say what’s on her mind and that made for an eventful – and enlightening – conversation.

Born in Israel, Miriam learned early about family and the importance of having a strong familial bond.  Although she moved to the United States at a young age, she returned to Israel many years later and met the love of her life.  Their courtship began long distance and involved cassette tapes being sent back and forth across the Atlantic.  Rather than writing letters, they recorded messages to each other.  Messages they’ve maintained on cassette to this day.  

Ten years after they wed in Israel they decided to move to the United States.  They brought with them luggage, their two beautilful children, as well as Miriam’s upbeat personality, love of life and what she calls good old fashioned common sense.

When asked why she believes marriages fail at such a disproportionately high rate in the United States she responds with her trademark frankness, “Common sense!”  When I asked her to elaborate on what she meant, she said, “I believe in the basics.  My attitude is this: I’m not going to reinvent the wheel.  Family must come first.  And when I say family, I mean your spouse must come before all else, next your children and after that your parents.”

I asked what she noticed as the main differences between marriages in the US and those she’d observed around the world throughout her travels.  Responding without hesitation, she says “They’re more family oriented.”  She shared how in their culture it was not uncommon for the entire family to meet for dinner each night to discuss their days and to relax – together.  It is a common belief that one’s spouse came before their children, so that’s the order in which it should continue.  Spouse first.  Children second.  Parents third.  Period.

Looking at our culture and society I inquired why she thought it was so difficult for many to put their spouse first.  “For so long women have been taught that children are to come first” she said.  “It began with the feminist movement, that albeit with good intention, taught us to put ourselves and our children first in everything.  “You’re taught that kids are everything.  You hear women say they’d die for their children.  But they were not the first ones to come along.”  Just as you would not pack up your children and leave them on the front porch if they did something you didn’t like, we should not consider doing this to our spouse.

Miriam argues the feminist movement, which allowed for women like me to rival the boys at the top of the workplace, forgot to share a few things with us.  She said, “They told women to focus on yourself, children, career, life…this and that.  But no one ever told us to focus on our spouse.  God forbid your husband come in the house and you serve him dinner.  God forbid I should say, ‘I’m a happy wife.  My husband respects me and treats me well.’” 

 “Why are you so afraid to say you’re happy?” she continues, as if questioning wives in cyberspace.  She ponders on her own question for a moment and then responds, “Maybe they’re afraid their happiness will be jinxed.  Maybe there’s a fear that if they say they’re happy, it’ll go away.”  Whatever the reason, she thinks it’s a bunch of nonsense and there are plenty of happy wives who need to be as bold about their enjoyment in marriage as those who are miserable and can’t seem to stop talking about it.

So what does Miriam’s common sense “List” look like?  Here is her advice:

Put Your Spouse First: When the children are grown and move out of the home, who will be left but your spouse?  Nurture that relationship first and foremost.  It is your role, together, to be the best parents you can be and what better way to do that than by parenting together and teaching your children (by what you say and do) that the bond of marriage is stronger than any other earthly commitment;

Spend Time Together – Daily: Every night, Miriam and Efi spend the first portion of their evening having appetizers (that either of them will make) and a few sips of port.  They wind down and tell each other about their day — work, friends, family.  They’ve found unwinding together is the best way to distress. This is the time when you are able to let down your guards and talk about anything and everything with your best friend, your spouse;

A Little Attention Goes a Long Way: The smallest kind gesture, the littlest bit of attention shown toward your spouse can have great impact on your marriage.  Rather than spending so much time showing you’re right, instead try spending it being kind toward one another;

You Don’t Have to Be Religious, But You Do Need Culture: Many of Miriam’s friends are religious about observing the Sabbath every Saturday and having dinner with family every Friday.  She has found it a bit more difficult to always observe their religious schedule exactly.  But they make sure the purpose and meaning of the holiday is still celebrated.  If a religious holiday falls on a Thursday but the entire family can’t get together until Friday, then that holiday now falls on that Friday in her household.  Family and togetherness is what is most important and she contends one can create their own family culture.  You don’t have to follow the crowd;

Must Have Trust: You must make him your #1 priority and vice versa.  It is important to respect and trust each other.  Being jealous will only hurt your relationship.  Nothing good is gained through jealousy.  Simply trust the one you married and make sure you are also found to be trustworthy;

Get a Hobby & Social Life: Everyone needs space, including your spouse. Find a hobby you love and take some time to do that while simultaneously giving your spouse some time to pursue what he enjoys.  A social life is imperative.  Date nights.  Meeting each other for lunch when time allows.  Making time to spend with each other.  Continue to date even long after you’ve finished saying your wedding vows.  Go out on the town, have a drink, do some dancing and get lost in each other’s arms.

Miriam always wanted to promote happy marriages and to encourage other wives but just didn’t know how to do it.  Well, hopefully her words of wisdom through this interview will stretch far and wide and help remind us of the “common sense” of nurturing our marriage and building our family.

###

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 20,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Since so many of you loved last Friday’s poem, I thought I’d send us off into the weekend with another brilliant poem on marriage.

BECAUSE

Because we have things in common 
We have the joy of sharing them 

Because we are patient 
We give each other time to understand

Because we are filled with kindness 
We compliment the things we do for each other 

Because we are filled with loyalty 
We always know the other will be there 

-Steven Reiser

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

I saw this poem entitled, The Art of Marriage, online and knew I had to share it with you. 

THE ART OF MARRIAGE

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.

A good marriage must be created.

In the art of marriage the little things are the big things.

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once each day.

It is at no time taking the other for granted;

it should continue through all the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives;

it is standing together facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,

but in the spirit of joy and giving.

It is speaking words of appreciation

and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. 

It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo 

or the wife to have the wings of an angel. 

It is not looking for perfection in each other. 

It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding, and a sense of humor. 

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. 

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. 

It is finding room for things of the spirit. 

It is a common sense for the good and the beautiful. 

It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, 

the dependence is mutual, and the obligation is reciprocal. 

It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

-Wilferd A. Peterson

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

Does your husband have a song for you?  Do you have a song for him?  My song for Keith is Easy Silence by the Dixie Chicks (and it’s my ringtone when he calls).  

Here is Keith’s song for me:

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your response?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Please Note: This blog post is the final installment in the six-part series, School of Marriage.  If you missed the last four days, feel free to catch up here: Marriage & Money, Marriage & Politics: Will They Ever Mix Well?, Let’s Talk About Sex, Mastering Your Husband’s Love Language and Just Be Open.  

Historical events – whether occurring in the outside world or within his home – helped shaped your husband to be who he is today.  Some good experiences, some bad.  Some rewarding, some alarming.  We all have a past we must reckon with and your husband is no different.  Becoming the man he was created to be is often stiffled by continuously returning to thoughts and actions determined by HIStory.

Like a tapestry, woven together with various threads of gold, silver and black, so is your husband’s life story.  Each major event is represented in that tapestry.  There may be one single gold or silver thread that goes throughout representing the one person that brought him hope throughout his childhood and into his adult years.  That may be his parents, grandparents, a special teacher, God, church, or a number of other people of things.

You may find patches of black and gray throughout representing the more difficult times of his life.  Every one of those dark patches of fabric, whether in the past or present, represent an intricate detail in his past.  And no matter how long you are married, you may never know what each of those patches represent.  The pain may be too deep or he simply may not be able to articulate how he felt at that time.

But when he met you, he began to add more and more patches of beautiful bright colors.  Swirls of varying shades of thread.  The tapestry began to look like a work of art.  As you have continued in life, you have helped to either add bright colors to his tapestry or darker ones, depending on how you’ve responded to various situations throughout your marriage together.

Red, orange, Yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet – all the colors of the rainbow – represent you.  Threads of silver and gold attaching the various patches together is your family.

Every man has a tapestry.  His life was woven together in stages.  But no matter what color the patches were in the beginning, you have the ability to completely alter the look of this piece of art that represents his life.  

A beautifully embroidered patch lies in the middle representing the very first day you said, “I love you.”  Another patch with the picture of the sun rising represents the day you said, “I do.”  But I have a question for you.  What patches are you adding to his tapestry now?

Have you become frustrated over the small, insignificant things in life and unknowingly begun to add dark colors?  Have you allowed temporary things, like financial strains, affect the color of the patches you’re adding to the tapestry of his life.

On this last day of the School of Marriage, I encourage you to take an honest assessment of what sort of colors you might be adding to your husband’s tapestry.  Look at yourself as that one person who is able to ensure no matter how his tapestry began, when he gets to the end of his life and spreads his tapestry across the wall of his mind, he’ll see how you brightened every aspect of his life.  How you gave him an existence beyond what he could have ever hoped or dreamed.  How your love and never-ending kind words brought sunshine to his life every day.

Here’s the beauty of a tapestry.  Each day, as you add new patches of fabric, it continues telling a very unique story.  Today can be the day you purpose in your heart to only add beautiful colors and fabrics to his life for all his remaining days. Today can be the day you realize, beside God, you are the most important part of his tapestry.  You hold in your hand so much of his heart.  You may not have realized this until today, but you are the seamstress that has been sewing together the pieces of his life since the moment you said I Do.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

Please Note: This blog post is a part of a six-part series, School of Marriage.  If you missed the last four days, feel free to catch up here: Marriage & Politics: Will They Ever Mix Well?, Let’s Talk About Sex, Mastering Your Husband’s Love Language and Just Be Open.  

Did you know a report from 1995 stated the average American spends puts more than $1,300 on credit for every $1,000 made in income and maintains $7,000 in credit card debt?  Can you imagine how much higher that number is now?  There’s a great quote I’ve heard about our propensity to spend more than we make, “When your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.”

It doesn’t take a mathematician to see if you spend more than you make, you will perpetually be in debt.  Like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round, hoping to go somewhere and yet never seeming to be able to get beyond exactly where you are.  I’ve met so many families who could truly make an impact in the world…if they could simply get off that wheel.

There’s something about finances that completely consume us.  I don’t know what it is and if you know, please enlighten me.  But it’s a stress like none other.  It’s the largest weight most people wear around their necks.  And not just finances, but debt in particular.  It’s all-consuming.  Been there, done that, I can relate with you one-hundred percent.

If you’ve been struggling in your finances for a long time, as I once was, I’d highly recommend going back and reading the series I did a couple months ago entitled, Recession-Proof Your Marriage.  I gave a step-be-step plan to getting out and staying out of debt.  You can begin here with Step One.

Today’s post, however, isn’t about paying off debt.  It’s about understanding how you can help improve your family’s financial outlook.  Even if you don’t work outside the home, there are still ways you can greatly impact your financial situation.  Simple things.  Finding ways to cut expenses.  I’ve seen so many stay-at-home mom bloggers with great tips on how to cut down overall expenses from groceries to laundry bills.  

I won’t attempt to write a list here because there are so many.  However, if you simply search online for different ways to save money, you’ll find no shortage of answers.  I Googled, “get groceries for less,” and a plethora of articles popped up showing me how.  Here’s one I thought was pretty good: Get It For Less: Groceries.  Just last week, I came across a blog where a mom of 4 blog entirely about how she feeds her family on less than $50/wk.  

I’ve even come across moms online who have decided to begin making their own laundry detergent because the store bought kind can get to be so expensive.  The bottomline is get creative.  There are many ways to save money.  And there are also creative ways to earn money if you’re a SAHM (I wrote about a few ideas here in Step 8 of the Recession-Proof Your Marriage series).

More importantly than figuring out how to reduce expenses (although that is incredibly important) is coming up with a plan to begin eliminating your family’s debt immediately.  Here are a few thoughts that come to mind when thinking about you as I’m writing this post:

1. Financial challenges are more often than not a catalyst for marital problems if you don’t first put an effective plan in place that allows you to fight against it together rather than fight each other because of it.

2. Throughout your lifetime, money will come and go.  That is the nature of it.  But your marriage, if cherished, is built to last.  Investing in your marriage and family will yield far greater returns than any monetary investment.  Remember that these financially troubled times are temporary.  Your relationship will last far beyond these trying times.

3. Money does not define you.  How much you have in your bank account now is no indication of your family’s financial health in the future.  With a solid plan to pull your family out of debt, your path to financial freedom will illuminate much faster than you ever thought possible.

4. Men are hardwired to want to provide.  They want to protect.  Your husband doesn’t want you to feel the weight of the world but sometimes his shoulders are not large enough to carry it alone.  You are a team.  Lend him your shoulders and assure him you’re in this fight together…until the very end.

5. Your husband needs you.  When it comes to financial challenges, he may not say it, but he desperately needs you.  It can be lonely out there trying to figure out how to solve a mounting problem like debt all by himself.  Be available.  Let him know it’ll be okay.  Let him know you’re not going anywhere, you have faith in your family and your marriage.

And for those of you who work for a living, the most important thing you can do is work together with your husband and never attack him.  If he makes less than you, this is an even more important point.  We cannot forget how men are wired.  If they feel as though they cannot provide, they will feel like they are less than a man.  It’s about teamwork.  Take the time to let him know today that you’re both on the same team, fighting the same fight, and you will prevail together.

When discussing marriage and finances, my prevailing thought is this: Healthy finances are important.  But not nearly as important as a healthy marriage.  No matter how trying the times may be for you financially, resolve today to not allow that to adversely impact your marriage.  Get into the trenches together and you will overcome this adversity together.  What God has joined together, let no man…nor money…put asunder.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

If you’ve been here with us all week, my hope is you’ve gained at least one valuable takeaway to improve your marriage and have been encouraged to pursue a PhD in your Marriage with a Concentration in Husbandology.  But we’re not finished with this week-long series, School of Marriage, just yet.  We’ve completed our courses on Anatomy and Science (physical intimacy) and Language (his love language).  But we still have Mathematics, Political Science and History to cover before this series concludes.  

So let’s dive in today with Political Science.

It’s a politically charged year.  Not just in the US where I live but in many places around the world.  In our household, politics is always a part of the discussion because it’s what Keith does for a living.  There is never a dull moment and never a day without politics.  

We don’t always see eye-to-eye or agree on political positions.  Before weighing in on a legislative bill before congress or the senate, he will read the full legislation – 80, 90, 100 pages long.  Me?  Before I met Keith, I’d pretty much do what most Americans do when it comes to politics: I’d get 99% of my information from sounds bites and newspaper headlines and then debate the issue like I knew the full range of implications.  Now, that we’ve been married 8 years, that percentage has decreased to 75 (wink ).

Keith and I are not members of the same political party and many times our views differ greatly.  In the last election, we voted on two opposite ends of the spectrum.  But that’s simply politics.  It doesn’t weigh into our marriage and we never allow politics to divide our home. 

I remember attending a political fundraiser a few years ago and Arnold Schwarzenegger was the keynote speaker.  He was governor of California at the time (still married to Maria…sigh…) and said when addressing their political differences, “I promised to love her in sickness and health.  She’s a democrat.  I consider that her sickness.”  That comment cracks me up to this day.  But in many households, politics is no laughing matter; it’s a dividing point.  

If you are in one of those households, may I please give you one small piece of advice?  Let it go.  Your political position is not worth a divide or even strain in your home.  You want to know why?  Because political positions are fluid.  They flip flop depending on the political climate.

Consider, for instance, most politician’s records when running for one office.  Now, contrast it against their own record running for another office.  If you took the time to compare both records, you’d likely see two vastly different viewpoints emerge.  And both viewpoints are the candidate’s own. 

When you see political issues, especially legislation, being talked about on TV, in the papers or online, you will rarely get the entire story.  And the reason is simple, most popular on-air personalities don’t have the time to read a complete legislative bill so they do something not too dissimilar from the general public, they go off of sound bites.  

Take for example the recent legislative bills that set the internet world on fire yesterday.  Wikipedia in the US and other major sites staged “blackouts” and Google covered their home page with a huge black blob to oppose censorship.  Members of this club I’ve never seen talk about political issues on Twitter or Facebook were on fire.  Everyone had an opinion.  A definite opinion.

The funny thing is I’d be willing to wager big money that no one I saw on Facebook or Twitter with a definite opinion on this bill actually read it.  I sure didn’t.  Who has time to read an 80-page document in one day?  And although it’s not surprising that you nor I had the time to read it, what you might find surprising is neither did most of those reporting on it.  Political pundits do it all the time.

These two bills aren’t the only pieces of legislation pundits take positions on without all the facts.  That is generally the case with most legislation.  But it’s not their fault.  Most are given an hour or so before a show to get “read up” on all the issues they will be discussing. Someone highlights for them hot topics they’ll need to weigh in on and then the red light on top of the camera comes on indicating it’s time for them to start talking.  

It’s all skewed.  Rarely will you find a person reporting on an issue that’s taken the time to fully understand and consider both sides of an issue.  And even when they do, how they report will depend on their own slanted views.  Even those who claim to put “no spin” on their reporting…always have a spin.  That’s what sells.  That’s what gains viewers.  It’s a slightly more subtle form of the “shock jock” style of reporting.

Here’s my point.  Never get so invested in your political thoughts and opinions that you lose sight of the larger picture: your relationship.  You may have one political opinion and your husband may have another.  That’s perfectly fine and understandable.  You were raised in two separate households, had two different upbringings and thus your views of the world and political system may be different.  But who cares.  Just enjoy each other.

Your marriage is greater than politics.  Your happiness is more important than any legislative bill or agenda.  And the love for your husband must supersede all else, including your political opinions. So the next time you think about engaging in a heated political discussion with your hubby, remember this post and say, “Thanks, Sweetheart, for your opinion.  It differs slightly from mine but that doesn’t matter. I love you more than I care about my political views.”  Celebrate your differences and keep it moving. 

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

Please Note: This blog post is a part of a week-long School of Marriage series.  If you missed the last two days, feel free to catch up here: Mastering Your Husband’s Love Language and Just Be Open.  

I’ve heard a countless number of marriage counselors and psychologists say, “You can always tell the health of a marriage by a couple’s sex life.”  I must say, I completely agree.

I read a stat from a report today that the average married couple only has sex 2-3 times per month.  Sexual intimacy is profoundly important to marriage, and not just for men.  As women, we tend to fill our days with more things than we can possibly get completed.  We give everything we have (and more) and by the end of the day we’re pooped.

Sound familiar?  But here’s the challenge.  Our bodies – yes, both men and women – were designed to desire physical intimacy.  The Jan 2012 report published by the Journal of Sex Research revealed that the median value for the number of times men thought about sex was 19 times per day and for women that number was 10.  Thank goodness this report focused mainly on young men and women (20-something) because, wow, NINETEEN.  Really? 

In more comprehensive studies, it becomes clear the average man does not think about sex quite that many times…but yours might.  The numbers vary widely from man to man.  So how well do you know your husband’s sex drive?  Have you ever asked him how often he thinks about sex each day?  Your husband may not like to talk about alot of things, but I assure you, sex is probably not one of those things.

I remember asking Keith how often he thought about sex each day and then lining that up with how often we actually had sex.  I was concerned.  I knew the stats.  Study after study has confirmed the adverse affects of a couple whose sex life has been neglected.  A distance between them begins to form.  The intimate connection which began at the start of the marriage begins to deteriorate.  Nothing good comes from a sexless (or less than enough sex) marriage.

So what do you do if you’re busy, tired, and simply have no time or energy?  Less.  And more.  Here’s what you do first.  FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX.  Forget about it.  More likely than not, it’s wrong.  It doesn’t matter what the average man thinks about, how often he wants to have sex, how women’s sex drives are usually several paces behind their male counterparts.  There are only two people in your marriage and your stats are the only ones that matter.

Make it a priority.  Take the time to initiate a conversation with your husband about that oft times dreaded three-letter word.  Ask him if he feels fulfilled sexually.  It’s a simple question.  You may be afraid of the answer but simply ask and then listen.  And listen some more.  And listen some more.  Have no preconceived thoughts, opinions, notions or potions.  As we talked about a couple days ago, just be open.  Initiate the conversation and then allow him to lead it.  See where it takes you.

Keith nor I were virgins when we married.  Far from it.  But six years prior to our first date, I’d made a commitment to God that the next man I’d have sex with would be my husband.  Keith had made no such promise but he honored my vow and heart’s desire.  Shortly after we married, I realized, I knew alot less about sex than I thought.  I’d been sexually active from the time I was maybe 15 until I was 19 and then I went cold turkey (in the spirit of full disclosure, there was one occasion after that commitment was made when I reconnected with my on again, off again beau and needed to restart my commitment).

I’d learned during the years leading up to meeting Keith how to enjoy dating, cuddling, kissing and allowing it to go no further than that.  So imagine how out of sorts I felt once we were married.  I had NO idea what to do.  I was, in essence, a kid the last time I’d had sex and now I was a full-grown woman who was expected to know my body, what I desired, how I wanted him to please me.  I didn’t.

The conversation I’m suggesting you have with your husband at the earliest appropriate time, is a conversation I’m quite familiar with.  I forgot everything I thought I knew about sexual intimacy – threw it right out the window – and began with only one thing that mattered: how could my husband and I both have a fulfilling sexual relationship.

If you can relate to any portion of this post, my first suggestion to you is to simply have the conversation.  My second is to purchase a book I read that changed our sex life forever.  Subsequent to that time, I’ve purchased it for more women than I can think.  The book is Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.  You can find it in your local bookstore, on Amazon, or wherever you purchase your books.  But it completely changed the way I viewed sex, and more importantly, how I approached it in my marriage.

So how’s your sex life?  Today’s as good of a day as any for your annual sex health check-up.  And yes, you read that right.  Annual.  Don’t make this a one time effort.  As life continues, and the pressures of the world come knocking at your door, you want to take refuge in your relationship, in your love and in your bedroom (or as this pictures shows, in your kitchen ).

Keep the fire lit in your marriage and your days will be filled with warmth.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

I’ve been thinking about this blog series for more than a week.  Rarely do I think about a blog post more than an hour or two before I write it.  But this one has been on my mind for a couple weeks.  If you didn’t get a chance to read the post from yesterday, School of Marriage, you may want to take a peak when you have a moment to understand the purpose of this series.  

Before I continue I want to give one quick disclosure.  On this site, you will never see me writing about what a husband should do, say or how one should act.  The reason for this is two-fold: 1) This site is specifically for wives and it’s highly unlikely many of our husbands are reading it so it would be unfruitful to address them; and 2) I believe in the power of responsibility.  I believe each of us have more control over our lives and happiness than anyone else; happiness begins with “me” not “us.”

It is with these thoughts in mind that I will be writing this blog series.  I don’t expect there to be any earth shattering revelations.  But what I do hope to share with you is my heart in the area of marriage and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.  I joked with a reader yesterday that my marriage has been a guinea pig for all the relationship books I’ve read.  Now, that may be an exaggeration but it’s probably much closer to the truth than even I once realized.

I love to read.  I especially love to read books on spiritual and personal growth.  Marriage is one of my favorite topics.  Growing up the daughter of marriage counselors, I realized early on that so many of the challenges people experience in marriage can be avoided.  It’s just a matter of getting, accepting and applying the right information.

I mentioned this Warren Buffet quote yesterday but it’s worth repeating, “When people tell me they’ve learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people’s experience.”  Keith and I both believe we’ve been able to avoid so many of the typical pitfalls in marriage because we purposed from the beginning to learn from other’s experiences.  

When we sit down with married couples, they may not know it (and most times we don’t even realize we’re doing it), but we’re studying them.  We’re learning from them.  In a two-hour dinner, we’ll walk away having learned at least one new thing about marriage.  Always.

This morning, I thought I was going to begin writing on the topic of Language, more specifically, how to master your husband’s love language.  But instead I find myself wanting to ask you a simple request: just be open.  

I mentioned yesterday, I’m not a counselor and have no desire to be one.  But I do desire to see okay marriages become better, good marriages become great, and great marriages become extraordinary.

Keith and I have an extraordinary marriage.  Anyone who knows us will agree.  But it’s not because we’ve not made mistakes.  It’s because we refuse to stop learning.  We are never so set in our ways as to not strive to make things even better.  Every day, our desire is to please each other just a little more than we did the day before.

So I have two requests of you.  Agree to meet me here each day for the next six days, be open, and I promise you will either learn something new to improve your marriage or you will be reminded of something previously forgotten.  And if I’m wrong, great!  That just means I also have something to learn from you.  

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Marriage is like a school.  And your husband, like a teacher.  His syllabus includes courses on language (his love language), mathematics (household finances), anatomy and science (physical intimacy), political science (how the world works according to him) and history (how his past will affect your future).  

Unlike most teachers, however, he is likely unqualified to teach.  Meaning, he likely doesn’t know most of the lessons he is tasked with teaching.  For instance, in the area of anatomy and science, he’s charged with not only teaching you what pleases him but what pleases you.  Your body is unlike any other.  It’s unique.  It requires exploration and can take years of dedicated study to truly be understood.  And yet, he must understand it intimately in order to teach it. 

His course on mathematics will depend on what he’s learned prior to marrying you and there are few schools which teach this discipline.  Unless he grew up being taught valuable lessons about personal finances, chances are he’ll struggle to teach this course, as well.

His lessons on history can send him into deep waters which may be best not to tread.  But without in-depth teaching in this area, could leave many questions in your mind.  Although his syllabus states the political science course will be taught without bias, his personal experiences and early indoctrinations have shaped his thoughts and opinions and will likely be embedded in how he interprets all political matters.

And last but not least, he is charged with teaching you to speak a secondary language, his love language, fluently.  He speaks it fluently.  But has no idea how to teach it.  His hope is that you’ll learn through language immersion.  But a love language is the only language in the world which is not best learned through immersion but rather through being taught in the student’s primary language.

So how do we learn lessons from a teacher who is unqualified to teach and at a school with one of the toughest grading systems we’ll ever encounter?   I’m a nerd by nature and a teacher’s pet (in my adult years, not in my childhood – God bless the teachers who put up with me in K-12).  Getting an A in every course is important to me.  I’ve studied hard in the School of Marriage, learning through my own experiences but most importantly, learning through the experiences of others.

Warren Buffet once said, “When people tell me they’ve learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people’s experience.”  I’ve been married 8 years.  Hardly enough time to become a qualified teacher in every area.  But I’ve studied other people, in the area of marriage, my entire life.  My parents were marriage counselors and I’d eavesdrop on their counseling sessions growing up.

I’ve been fascinated by marriage my entire life.  Not in terms of the fairytale wedding (I eloped) or the fabulous wedding gown (I wore a baby pink sweater) but the inner workings of marriage; what happens after the confetti has been thrown and the carefully chosen first dance song has long stopped playing.  

I never wanted to be a counselor (still don’t) but I love marriage.  I’ve enjoyed all 2,575 days of my marriage (no, really, I have) and what I’ve learned through my experiences, but more importantly, what I’ve learned through the experiences of others is the basis for what we’ll chat about this week as we dive into the areas of Language, History, Anatomy, Science, Mathematics and Political Science.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook