When you’re writing about improving one’s marriage and title the blog post, Focus On You, I imagine it might raise a few eyebrows.  But I truly believe this to be one of the most important things we as women can do to improve our marriage.

If you’re joining us for the first time today, we’re at the beginning of a series titled, 101 Ways to Improve Your Marriage.  Every marriage, no matter how healthy, strong or happy can be improved.  And there are so many married couples who would just settle for being happy sometimes.  

This series is for those at both ends of the spectrum and everyone in between.

2. Put Some Focus On Yourself

I was watching a roundtable today which included a popular American actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith, her daughter and her mother.  Pinkett-Smith was expressing to her daughter the difficulty of balancing being a mom, wife and having a career.  In her explanation I was reminded of a truth so many women forget about: In our quest to be loving moms and wives, we cannot forget about taking care of ourselves.

Women by nature are nurturers.  Innately, we desire to care for someone other than ourselves.  But what happens when our happiness is dependent upon another?  What happens when we begin living our lives vicariously through our husband or child?  What happens is we lose sight of self.  We lose our connection with the spirit inside us guiding us through this thing called life.  We fail to live up to all God intends for us to be because we’re so busy focusing on everyone else.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  There is a wonderful quote often attributed to Winston Churchill that my husband has written on a white board right next to our front door, “We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give.”  The most significant things we will do in this lifetime will all involve giving.  We were created to give more than we receive.  But, and it’s a big but, we must also be okay with receiving.

Give to your husband.  Give to your children.  But also give to yourself.  Set time aside to simply “be.”  Meditate, read, garden, do whatever you love to do and find some time to do it alone.  To take your marriage from good to great, spend a little more time on you.  Don’t consider it selfish; consider it healthy.  Your husband and children will both thank you for it because you set the tone for your home.  You control the peace within it.  And when momma’s happy…everybody’s happy.

If you haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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This past Friday, I posted a message on our Facebook page asking the members of this club to share their advice and top suggestion for improving one’s marriage.  I posed this question to this wonderful group of more than 37,000 women so I could share with you their best advice.

This series, 101 Ways to Improve Your Marriage, is to be shared with every married woman – whether happy or unhappy in their marriage.  What better place to learn about how to improve your marriage than from a group of happily married women from all over the world?  

Many of our members are certified marriage and relationship counselors, PhD-holding clinical psychologist, and some of the most well respected relationship writers out there.  And more important than those who do this for a living are those who live it everyday.  Those who love marriage and have learned how to make it work best.

Learn from us.  Join the Club.  And grow in your own marriage.  Over the next few months, I’ll write often on this topic and choose Quick Tips members have submitted, as well as notes posted on our Facebook and Twitter communities with advice for their fellow wives.  So here’s the first way to improve your marriage:

1. Add More Laughter to Your Marriage

Yesterday, Keith and I had lunch with friends who have been married for more than 57 years.  When we sat down for brunch, Keith asked, “So what’s the secret to your marriage?”  Our friend Carl responded, “Well, the first 55 years were a bit tough but after that it was all downhill.  It gets much easier by year 56.”  With that, he and his wife simultaneously burst out laughing.  

Time and time again, when I speak to couples happily married after 20, 30, 40, 50-plus years together, this issue of laughter inevitably comes up in the conversation.  An ability to make each other laugh and an even greater ability to not take yourself too seriously.

Life will rarely be picture perfect.  Laughing at the flaws in your life is a part of what makes it worth living.  And according to our members, as well as experienced in my own marriage, laughter is most certainly the best medicine.  Find something to laugh about today.  Something silly, something serious.  It doesn’t matter, just use those laugh muscles as often as you’re able.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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When I was a teenager, I hated the way I looked.  Everything that made me unique -caramel colored skin, hazel-green eyes, ashe-colored hair with natural blond highlights- I didn’t like.  I looked too different from all the other kids.  Skinny legs, no boobs, no hips or anything else that resembled a direction toward womanhood.

When I began wearing makeup, I had a distorted view of myself.  Because my sister, Launi, was several shades lighter than me, I thought I was dark-skinned.  Really dark-skinned.  I remember wearing foundation for the first time to church and having a woman come up and tell me how I should allow her to teach me how to do my makeup.  

What was wrong with my makeup?  Well, looking back at it, I know what was wrong with with it.  I was wearing a foundation on my skin several shades too dark.  I probably looked like I’d been embalmed.

As I got older and began to fall in love with the way I looked, who I was on the inside, and the world overall, everything changed.  My features I once wished I could change became my favorite physical attributes.  My natural thin frame became my best friend.  I fell in love with the person God made me to be.  And by doing so, I fell in love with the world around me.

I love life.  I am a happy woman and a happy wife.  But that began first with me.  When I met my husband, I was happier than any single person I knew then or know now.  I loved life and had no problem going to a restaurant and requesting a table for one.  I went to the movies by myself, ate popcorn by myself and laughed out loud like I was on a date – but it was just me.

So often, people look to their marriage to make them happy.  They look to their husband to find joy.  Happiness and joy cannot come from that which is external.  True happiness comes from within; a satisfaction and contentment with yourself first and foremost.  

When you look in the mirror, do you like the person looking back at you?  If not, that is where you must start.  Fall in love with the person God created you to be and the entire world will take on a different look and shape.  Joy will be all around you.  Peace will live within you.  And happiness will be yours for the taking.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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On Monday, I shared with you my upcoming adventure.  It begins in just a few weeks so I wanted you to know a little more about it.  I will blog from every city and country I visit and will share with you tidbits of my research throughout the next couple of months.

In every city I visit, I hope to meet many of you.  In places like Mauritius, Fiji, and the Philippines where we have thousands of members, we hope to gather as many members as possible for a simple time of fellowship.  Possibly tea and scones or in the case of Fiji, a trip to McDonald’s (where we’ve been told there’s only one and it’s the best and place to meet).

Below are the list of cities we will be visiting.  If you are within driving distance, please let me know by sending an email to fawn@happywivesclub.com.  I’d love to finally meet you in person, as well as for you to meet other Club members near you.

Winnipeg, Canada
Cape Town, South Africa
Johannesburg, South Africa
Mauritius
London, England
Zagreb, Croatia
Rome, Italy
Manila, Philippines
Perth, Australia
Sydney, Australia
Auckland, New Zealand
Nadi, Fiji
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Ushuaia, Argentina
Antarctic Peninsula (we don’t have any members here yet so I’m determined to find one!)

Looking forward to meeting each of you and for those whose cities we’re not stopping at on this trip, make sure to check the blog regularly as I will update you on what I learn from each of the members we meet and the happily married couples I interview.  Together we will discover if there is a universal secret to a happy marriage.

Until Friday…make it a great day!

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Africa, Asia, Australia, Europe, South America, North America and the Antarctic Peninsula - all seven continents – that’s where I’m headed.  The Netherlands, Canada, South Africa, Mauritius, London, Croatia, Italy, Philippines, Australia, New Zealand, Figi and Argentina – 12 countries – that is where I will rest my head.

In just a few weeks I will embark on a journey I never imagined and before three book publishers -independent from each other- asked that I come up with an idea for a book related to happy marriages, I’d not given it even one moment’s thought.  But once the question was posed, I immediately knew what I’d be interested in writing about and discovering throughout the process.

This Club is represented by women in nearly 100 countries.  Women with different backgrounds, upbringings, religious beliefs, economic circumstances, and a list of differences longer than this singular blog post can contain.  And even with all these differences, there is a common thread, a universal similarity among us all: we have an innate desire to be happy and to experience true joy in every aspect of our lives, beginning at home with our families.

And there is another thread I have found woven in every conversation, with each of you around the world.  There are most certainly many secrets to a happy marriage.  And those of you married 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 and even close to 70 years seem to know all of them.  We share these secrets with each other on our community Facebook page, through Twitter or “Quick Tips” on marriage submitted by HWC members.  But what I’ve noticed over the past two years is they all have a similar theme; they all seem to point to the same overarching secret.

In less than 3 weeks, I will leave US soil and travel around the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  I will interview couples happily married 20 years or more and will discover what each of them consider their greatest “secret” to a happy marriage.

Yesterday at church, our pastor mentioned a couple in the church who just celebrated their 50th anniversary.  The husband is 70 years old and has been a part of the facilities team at the church for quite some time.  When seeing the wife in the parking lot, Pastor Rick went over to her and said, “So, what is the secret to your [happy] marriage after 50 years?”  Without hesitation she responded, “I never tried to change him.”

The wife then rolled up the windows to her car and drove away.  Pastor Rick then saw her husband who was still working and posed the exact same question, “After 50 years, what’s your secret to a [happy] marriage?”  His answer was identical, “I never tried to change her.”

I smiled listening to our pastor recount this story as I knew I’d be sharing with you today this amazing journey I will begin in just a few weeks.  A journey which will hopefully result in a gift to every married couple around the world, especially those new in marriage and trying to navigate these sometimes challenging waters: The Secret to a Happy Marriage.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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If I took a poll of this audience, I’d venture to say most of us have a “bucket list.”  That list made all too famous by Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman by the movie with the same name.  Some have bucket lists which include all the foods they want to try before they “kick the bucket.”  For many, it’s what they want to accomplish in life.

Bucket lists come in all shapes and sizes.  I ran across the bucket list of a sister blogger earlier this year and her list had 300+ goals.  Whew!  I was tired just thinking about checking things off that list.  Some are more practical and have 20 or so.  And then there are those like mine who spend so much time living in the moment we forget to put more things on our list.

My bucket list began with just four items: 1) Become fluent in a second language; 2) Travel to a Spanish-speaking country for immersion school; 3) Participate in Vinyasa Flow yoga teacher training; and 4) Travel to all seven continents.  Last year, I attended a Spanish immersion course in Montezuma, Costa Rica.  So I checked that off my list.

With one complete, that leaves me with three to go.  Based on my schedule, I thought I’d be checking off the remainder of the list in the following order: 1) Become fluent in Spanish; 2) Vinyasa Flow teacher training; and 3) Travel around the world.  Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy since returning from Costa Rica, I’ve had little time to continue working on my fluency.  I guess that will need to wait until next year.

It will need to wait because I was recently offered the gift of a lifetime.  Before the year concludes, I would have traveled to 21 countries and all 7 continents.  And 12 of those countries, as well as 4 of the continents, I will travel to all within a six month period of time – and all this year.

I am working on a special project which might cause me to to burst if I don’t tell you soon. So make sure to join me Monday as I share with you the big news.  I was offered the gift of a lifetime and I’m taking you along on this journey with me.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Who would have thought when I began this club so much would come from it?  I certainly did not.  I’ve been rebellious from the time I was a child so it’s no surprise -as the L.A. Times columnist Sandy Banks pointed out to me- that I began this site as my way of bucking the system.

It was a simple refusal to join the chorus of voices insisting that marriage are brutally tough, meant to be a battlefield and were simple to walk away from for the most minor or offenses.  It was my way of telling Hollywood, in the loudest voice I could muster, there are happily married couples in the world and the portrayal of marriages on the big (and little) screens were not the full story.

The unabashed love for my husband and a somewhat naive exploration of the most important relationship in our lifetime, that we choose rather than being born into, caused me to dive head first into finding other women like me; those who enjoy being married and adore their husbands more than any other person in the world.

I knew many existed.  I didn’t know how many.  I still don’t know.  I will undoubtedly die without knowing the numerical answer to that question.  But I will live with the knowledge and satisfaction that I began a chorus of voices who refuse to be silenced and choose to not go along with the crowd. 

When I shared with you the best piece of marriage advice I ever received, I learned there were so many other wives out there who too felt beat up on when they chose to be affectionate in public with their spouse and not to allow other’s relational misery to dictate how they interpreted their own happiness.

When women from all over the world joined me to sign the pledge to change the conversation among our group of girlfriends.  To be the one woman in a chorus of wives complaining about the shortfallings of their husbands to share about the beautiful side of marriage.  To be the person who reminds everyone why they said ‘I do’ and what is wonderful about their husband (that they’re ignoring in that momentary complaint session).

When I began this club and invited three of my closest girlfriends, one of my sisters and my mother, to be founding members, I had no idea the amazing blessings that would occur as a result of this club.  I did not know I’d come to meet so many wonderful women.  I had no idea we’d be joined by wives in over 100 countries around the world.  There was absolutely no foresight that publishers from around the country would bid on a future book to be written, which at the time was not even a forethought.

The number of blessings I’ve received as a result of this club are innumerable.  And the greatest of all has been getting to know each of you.  Thank you.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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In the United States, where tens of thousands of our members live, on the last Monday of May each year we celebrate Memorial Day.  Memorial Day is a federal holiday set aside as a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces.

According to Wikipedia, as a marker it typically marks the start of the summer vacation season, while Labor Day marks its end.  Many people visit cemeteries and memorials, particularly to honor those who have died in military service. Many volunteers place an American flag on each grave in national cemeteries.

Banks are closed.  Restaurants are closed.  Most people don’t go to work.  I’m not most people.  I’ll likely be working from sun up until well after the sun sets tonight.  But throughout the day, I will remain grateful for the many men and women who have died protecting the freedom of our country, as well as fighting on behalf of countrymen all over the world to liberate their own freedom.

Today, I won’t write a typical blog post but rather will leave you with our national anthem sung by one of the fallen heroes of the music industry, Whitney Houston.  If I’m not mistaken, her rendition of this anthem became the best-selling version of all time.   

After posting the video, I decided to go back and take a look at it.  I’d not seen it in some time.  My eyes swelled, like many of yours likely will, as it’s the most soul-stirring version of this song I’ve ever seen.  And my heart ached for a woman whose life should have been filled with endless joy but rather, by her own doing, was filled with never-ending pain.  I pray you and I will spend every day grateful for all we have and never waste a moment fretting about what we don’t. 

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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My mother loves telling this story about my little sister -and one of the founding members of this Club- Christy Joy.  When she was a very young girl, she was sitting on the toilet going potty and kept saying out loud, “I’ve got Joooooy on the inside.” 

Of course, my mom thought it was odd that a three-year old would talk about having joy on the inside but she thought she’d inquire anyhow, “So where does your joy come from, Christy?”  To that, Christy pointed to her underwear that read “Joy” on the backside that our older sister, Launi, put on her inside out and said, “Launi put my panties on backwards and now I’ve got Jooooy on the inside.”

I love that story because to know Christy Joy is to know her excitement and enthusiasm for life. That’s one of the reasons when she turned 31 earlier this week, I was so excited for her and the life she’s been blessed with thusfar.  Two beautiful babies -one boy and one girl- and a husband who is a stud (no really, he’s a cutie).

HWC founding member, Christy Joy, and her family

She loves her family more than anything in the world and does her best to build up her husband and children every chance she gets.  She’s her husband’s greatest supporter and fan and that’s exactly the way it should be.  This is what marriage should look like.  ut Christy had a headstart in life when it comes to marriage.  She had mentors.

I’m not too sure how many marriage mentors she’s had but I’d suspect our Mom and I are the two at the top.  We’ve always built up marriage.  We’ve never said it would always be easy but we assured her from the very beginning it would be worth it.  She watches us.  She’s always watched us.  And her children and our baby sister will be watching her.  That is the cycle for building healthy families for multiple generations.

You may come from a broken home or never experienced first-hand positive marriage mentors growing up.  You were taught knock down, drag out fights would be normal and have needed to teach yourself to think differently.  But think of the blessing you will be to so many others as they watch your marriage, as they look at the patience you have with your husband and children.  You will be a mentor without even trying; just by putting your family first.  

Kudos to each of you for elevating your family above all other earthly relationships and for teaching the next generation what it means to love without limits and enjoy life to the fullest.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Do you have old habits your husband’s been trying to kill to no avail?  I have too many to count so I thank God regularly for a patient husband.  Just recently we were laughing at a horrible habit I have that he’s been trying to help me correct for almost 10 years: licking my fingers…and not in a sexy way.

When I eat french fries with salt, there’s just something about the salt left on my fingers that tastes so good I can’t help but lick it off.  It’s almost better than eating the fries.  When I’m eating potato skins with cheese, as I was this past weekend, I can’t seem to dip the skins in ranch dressing without getting it all over my fingers.  And who wants to wipe ranch dressing off their fingers with a napkin?  Not me.  I’d rather lick it off.  Ditto for when I’m eating barbecue ribs.

I’m not a girlie girl.  Not that I needed to state that after having written the first two paragraphs.  I’ve never been a fan of pink, red and other colors that tend to appeal to women who are a bit more feminine.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not a tomboy.  I love dresses and if you saw me walking down the street, you’d likely assume I’m extremely feminine.  You’d be right.  And you’d be wrong.

It’s hard to fit me in a box.  Sometimes I feel feminine and gentle and sometimes I just want to watch my favorite basketball team while yelling at the top of my lungs (speaking of another bad habit my hubby stopped trying to break me of years ago after concluding it was hopeless).

I am not your average woman.  Or maybe I am and have just become more comfortable in my own skin and don’t feel the need to become something or someone I’m not.  I’m a confident woman.  But I need my husband.  He makes me better.  There are some poor habits I continue to hold onto but many he’s helped me improve upon over the past decade.  I’m undoubtedly a better woman because of him.

He accepts me as I am.  He is able to do that because I accept him just as he is and would never try to change him.  There are quirks in his personality and bad habits he has that I simply accept.  I try to help him with them, if they’re important, but if not I just love everything that makes him unique.

What I have found with my husband, and men in general, is when we accept them for who they are they are more inclined to accept us for exactly who we are.  Those who stop trying to change their husband tend to find that action is reciprocated.  It’s funny how that works out.  When we accept each other just as we are, we form a love and bond through that acceptance that is like none other.  If you haven’t already, give it a try.  You’ll thank me for it.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Women are complex creatures.  We are multi-faceted; never one dimensional.  We can be hard to figure out.  Husbands can try for 50 years and may never fully understand every bit of our inner-being.  

Men are far less complex.  Most are taught from an early age to shield their feelings; to keep innermost thoughts private.  They are taught to be strong, tough and to not wear their emotions on their sleeves.  But when they find that one woman by which they can entrust with their heart, share their greatest fears and know they are loved unconditionally, they become much easier to understand.

My husband knows me like the back of his hand.  Very little surprises him.  But he may never fully understand all the different sides of me.  Just yesterday morning, we began by watching a movie called The Vow.  He knew within the first frame of the movie I would love it, would likely cry at some point before the end and it would be added to my collection of sappy movies I love.

As soon as the movie was over and I wiped away my tears, I switched over to watching the NBA.  I love basketball.  I sat watching the commentary and highlights of all the games from the day before.  And from there I went to wash dishes while playfully dancing around and singing the commercial jingle from a local store called Toys R’ Us: “I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys R’ Us kid.  There’s a million things at Toys R’ Us that I can play with.  From bikes to trains to video games, it’s the biggest toy store there is.  I don’t want to grow up cause’ maybe if I did, then I wouldn’t be a Toys R’ Us kid.”

Poor guy.  I don’t even think that jingle’s been on the air for 20 years but I remember and love to sing it whenever it pops in my head.  A few hours later, after the sun went down and the Sabbath concluded, my mindset did a 180-degree turn.  The different side of me emerged.  The business side of my personality is far more serious, rarely jokes and is all about work.  At times, Keith can be standing right next to me, talking, and if I’m reading or responding to work-related emails, I may not even hear or see him.  I’m still working on changing that. 

I don’t know if you counted but those are four distinct personalities all bundled into one little ol’ me and that’s just the beginning of it.  Finding the man who will love us -every aspect and nuances in our various personality traits- is no easy task.  But once we find him (or better yet, he finds us) and he pledges to love, honor and cherish us til’ death do us part, we should hold on tight.

Women aren’t always easy to love and we’re never easy to figure out.  We make them work to love us.  But they do.  And we’re blessed.  So do your best to never forget that.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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People will not always be kind to you.  Drivers will cut you off on the road.  A person will speak to you unkindly as you’re walking through the grocery store.  The customer service representative tasked with assisting you with your need may not respond with anything helpful.  And that very interesting person you try to avoid because they can’t seem to control their emotions, will somehow make their way into your life over and over for no apparent reason.

Just go with it.

In life, things will rarely play out exactly as we desire.  Plans will inevitably go awry.  But one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life is to never allow what happens in the outside world to follow me home.  The peace I experience throughout each day is not because everything around me is simple and grand; it’s oftentimes quite the contrary.  The peace I have flows from within.  I’ve built an imaginary fortress around my home, fully equipped with a moat keeping a clear division between the stress of the world and the peace maintained within our home.

This past week was filled with more surprises and frustrations than I’ve experienced in a long time.  There was a part of me that wished I could retreat and not deal with any of it.  But where is the growth in that?  A part of becoming a better person is to face life’s difficulties head on and challenge yourself to be better, respond better, and love more fully – no matter what.

This weekend, I issue this challenge to you: Just go with it.  No matter what happens in the outside world, don’t allow it to negatively impact your family or your home.  Be the keeper of peace and the manifestation of love for your husband and your children.  And most importantly, don’t allow anyone to do anything that takes away your joy or challenges your internal peace.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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