So, the advice just keeps pouring in.  Earlier this week, I posed a question, “What is the best marriage advice you’ve ever received?”  And your responses have not disappointed.  I posted a few of my favorites yesterday but there are just too many to put in one post so I’m creating a “Part II” and posting a few more here.

If you haven’t had a chance to share the best marital advice you’ve received, please make sure to join us on our Facebook Community to share it with us.  We are all learning from each other and I, personally, learn so much from each of you daily.

So without further ado, here are some more gems of wisdom people deposited into your marriage and now I get to share it with the world.

“If you keep score, everyone loses.” -Submitted by R. Ralston

“Only give what you want to receive.” -Submitted by J. Smith

“People say a good marriage is 50 — 50. That is wrong. A good marriage is 100–100. Each one has to give it everything they have. You have to work on your marriage each and every day to keep it fresh and you have to want it to work to make it work.” -Submitted by S. Whisman

“Don’t neglect the power of these words: I’m sorry, will you please forgive me? Repentance is the open door to change.” -Submitted by D. Walter

“Never yell at each other unless there’s a fire.” -Submitted by M. Aguada

“To become best friends and do things together. The rest will fall into place, with no conditions:- the love, respect and most importantly trust…it can make or break any relationship.” -D. Hamlyn

“Spoil your spouse and not your children.” -Submitted by J. Weston

“Accept your spouse’s individuality. Do not make him/her someone he’s/she’s not. And do not compare.” -Submitted by N. Arcilla

“When you find yourself in an argument, stop and walk away; go pray and then come back to talk. It give you time to regroup and cool off and get your head straight. It also gives you time not to say anything that you can’t ever take back.” -Submitted by D. Lucas

“Live for the betterment of each other and let the world take care of itself.” -Submitted by T. Hunter

It was wonderful to see so much great advice pouring in and knowing the members of this club took the positive advice someone else gave them and applied it to their own marriage for success.

Join me tomorrow as I share tips from the Mauritius couple I traveled halfway around the world to interview.  After more than 50 years of marriage, they still live by their own secrets to a happy marriage.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 43,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

In response to Monday’s blog post, quite a few of you went to our Facebook Community and shared the bestLove this quote because it reminds me that mistakes of yesterday can be left in the past. Today is Day 1. piece of marriage advice you’ve ever been given.  I’ve shared mine several times before, but just in case you missed it, I’ve included it here.  

Please continue to share with the HWC community the best marriage advice you’ve ever received and I’ll keep posting it.  Here are just a few of my favorites so far:

“I was once told by a woman on her death bed regarding marriage, ‘Don’t worry about the little things…don’t fight over nonsense…in the end you won’t remember it and it really doesn’t matter’.” -Submitted by M. Viliardos

“It’s not lack of love but lack of friendship that makes unhappy families.” -Submitted by Z. Kasparyants

“Relationships are not for happiness. Happiness is an inside job. Relationships are a mirror to equilibrate and celebrate. A mirror because they are a perfect reflection of our thoughts and beliefs. To equilibrate means to encourage us when we are low and challenge us when we are high, thereby returning us to our center. To celebrate is to share the natural ease, joy and pleasure of living from our center, of living in the now with clarity.” -Submitted by A.M. Oravec (original quote from happiness.org)

“If you aren’t working on your marriage, you’re working on your divorce.” -Submitted by T. Broadaway

“Think first, ‘Is this going to hurt or bother your other half’ and if so, don’t do or say it.  Always treat each other with respect.  My husband says he treats me like ‘God hand stamped ‘handle with care, on my forehead!!’ 24 years without fighting, I believe it works!!” -Submitted by T. Ford

“Get rid of the TV and invest that time with your mate.” -Submitted by M. Patterson

“Keeping your marriage alive is never having to try hard to keep your relationship – both husband and wife share the joy of spontaneity and the curiosity to know more about one another each and every day. I know that I am not a princess so I don’t expect my husband to be a prince – we just love each other just as we are!” -Submitted by A. Marquez

“When I asked my dad for marriage advice as a newlywed he gave me this advice. “Be kind to each other. Don’t make big demands on each other because a person can only handle so much in life.” My parents have both passed away but they were married for 41 years.” -Submitted by J. Greefhorst

“When describing negative feelings such as anger, upset, sadness etc, it’s always a good start to use the words “I feel ….” instead of “You make me feel ….”. It takes away blame and opens up the conversation without making the other person feel defensive and attacked.” -Submitted by J. Jones

If you didn’t get a chance to send me your response, it’s not too late.  Here was the original question:

Question: What is the best marriage advice you’ve ever received or the best marriage quote you’ve ever heard?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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A little more than a week ago, I promised to share with you a communication technique I heard about in Mauritius.  Then I got so busy with my travels, it’s taken more than a week to fulfil that commitment.  For those who reminded me, thank you! 

While in Mauritius, I told you about two Chinese women I had the pleasure of meeting there.  One of them, See Yin, shared a communication tool she began using in her marriage many years ago: O.S.B.D. (emotional intelligence).

O.S.B.D. is a method created by Etienne Chomé after the riots of 1999.  He was summoned by the Bishop of Port Louis (capital of Mauritius) to facilitate trainings on, “Learning how to better resolve our daily conflicts.”

Finding much information on Chomé proved to be difficult and finding information on his teachings in any language other than French, proved nearly impossible. 

I began with his site, communications.org, but even translated into English, it doesn’t give much insight.  From what I was able to gather, Chomé streamlined the teachings of a number of well-recognized communication teachers around the world into a single communication technique. 

See Yin, who speaks fluent French, explained how this book and Chomé’s teachings helped her marriage.  “The method is easy: Observation, Feelings, Needs, Demands,” See Yin shares.  It is referred to as the OSBD method because the acronym is in French: Observation (observation), Sentiments (feelings), Besoins (needs), Demandes (demands).  With the exception of one word in this acronym, I just realized, I can read French!  Well, at least I can read their words adopted into the English language.

When See Yin’s husband is frustrated or upset, she uses the following method.  First, observe the situation as it is, void of emotion.  Second, notice his feelings by listening; and truly listening, not thinking of her response or defense while he’s speaking.  Third, she must identify his needs.  And fourth, what is he demanding, or more clearly understood, what is he asking be done differently in the future. 

See Yin explains a scenario of how this looks in real life.  “O [observation]: I arrive at 11pm.  S [sentiments, or in English, feelings]: “Are you upset?” she asks.  And then openly listens to his response.  B [besoins, or in English, needs]: “Is it because you want us to spend more time together?” she continues.  D [demandes, or in English, demands]: “Would you like me to come back at 9pm instead?”

Because most people aren’t accustomed to speaking (or listening) in this manner, “it may sound unnatural at first,” she says, “but it does help to have a better relationship when we do not use words that sound like we are attacking the other person and when we understand the reason why we are so upset, we can stop being upset.”

Question: Is there a specific technique or tool you and your husband have used to assist in having better communication?

Join me tomorrow as I share tips from the Mauritius couple I traveled halfway around the world to interview.  After more than 50 years of marriage, they still live by their own secrets to a happy marriage.  

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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This has been an unbelievable month.  I’ve traveled to Winnipeg, Cape Town, Johannesburg, Mauritius, London and Croatia, all in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  I’ve interviewed couples happily married 20-plus years and even a few in their early years of marriage.

What I once called the Journey of a Lifetime has turned out to be just that.  Five days a week, I’ve come to this page to share with you what I’ve learned, as I’ve learned it.  This week has been a bit different because things are happening faster than I seem to be able to write about them. 

In Zagreb, I’ve had a jam packed schedule, which included a tour by presidential guards at the Office of the President (good thing the Prez didn’t come in while I was sitting in his dinner chair).  I interviewed a happily married woman, who was petite, gorgeous, and an arms dealer for the Swedes (not kidding).

I visited the museum which won the 2011 European award for most innovative, the Museum of Broken Relationships.  You wouldn’t believe this museum if I told you so I’ll give you the link here.  People send the museum curators mementos from a love gone wrong, along with a story of their failed relationship.  There’s even an axe a woman used to chop 25 pieces of furniture that belonged to her ex.  That museum was depressing!  Good thing I get to write about marriages that have stood the test of time and remained in love and friends throughout their life together.

And now, I’m sitting on a luggage cart in the middle of the Zagreb Airport, second person in line, at Turkish Airlines waiting for them to open.  I arrived so early because this airline is the worst I’ve ever travelled and is notorious for overbooking their flights.  But as I sit, and write, I’m thinking about all I’ve learned so far and excited about sharing it with you in the days ahead. 

Please join me Monday as I continue to share some of the greatest marital advice of all time, from folks not speculating about it, but those who’ve actually lived it.  

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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As I continue my journey around the world in search of the secret to happy marriage, I just can’t seem to keep my thoughts from returning to South Africa.  So many great lessons learned there about marriage, as well as life.

Madiba, as Nelson Mandela is known locally, is the most beloved man in South Africa by whites, blacks and coloreds alike.  Prisoner number 46664, as he was known for 26 years, is revered and respected; he is a legend.  He is honored for his unconquerable strength, unquenchable hope and disciplined humility.  

When I watched the movie about him, Invictus, I wondered how I could relate to the poem that carried him through those years while not forsaking my trust in God?  ”I am the master of my fate,” it reads.  ”I am the captain of my soul.”  

Ever since seeing the movie a couple years ago, the second half of the final stanza of that poem has continued to weave through my mind for no apparent reason.  It wasn’t until recently that I fully understood those lines as it relates to my own life. 

God gives me choices throughout my lifetime.  Do I walk through Door A or Door B?  If God closes a door, do I attempt to pry open the window?  When God says no, do I attempt to turn that no into a yes by ignoring that two-letter word I heard so clearly it was almost audible?  Is that why these couples I’m interviewing are so happy in their marriage?  Is that why I’m so happy in my own?

If happiness is a choice, as they all believe it to be, is a happy and loving marriage but a series of choices made over the course of time?  A determination to wake up each morning and to not allow any challenges that arise in the outside world to affect what goes on in their home.

In addition to the issue of respect, another great similarity between all these couples is their acceptance of responsibility.  If something is wrong, they talk about it, they look for a solution, they make it right.  They don’t look to jump ship, they figure out how to plug the holes allowing water into their own vessel.  They intently choose a life of happiness daily, irrespective of what may be going on around them.

Question: How do the daily choices you make in your marriage affect it, for better or for worse?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With nearly 43,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

The irony of it all.  I travel to a country in the middle of the Indian Ocean, with a 60% population of Indians and 2% Chinese.  I sent out a few emails to HWC members in Mauritius the night I arrived inviting anyone available to meet me at Wolmar beach the next day.  I received just a couple responses; something I was grateful for considering the short notice.

See Yin and Jocelyne came out to meet me.  They are both lovely Chinese women, immigrants from China whose parents fled (or were killed) during the Chinese Cultural Revolution.  When they were sharing their story, I asked if they’d read a popular book called The Joy Luck Club.  

For hours, we chatted about everything from culture to race to religion, before getting to what we all came to talk about: marriage.  “She has a perfect marriage,” See Yin said about Jocelyne.  “They don’t have any problems in their marriage.”  Jocelyne just shrugged her shoulders, clearly trying not to agree as she is certainly not a boastful type of person.  

Jocelyne and her husband have been married 34 years.  Nine years ago they did a renewal of vows ceremony for their silver anniversary.  Judging by the smile on her face when she tells me about that great day, she still thinks quite fondly of marriage, and hers in particular. 

“What do you think is the secret to a happy marriage,” I asked.  “When the other is upset,” she says followed by a motion that looks like she’s zipping her lips, “just shhhh.”  Is that what she and her husband do, I ask.  “Yes.  We listen.  When one person is upset or hurt, the other person listens.  The other person expresses how they feel without blaming and the other tries to understand.”

So what happens when they’re both upset, I ask.  “Oh, he lets me win,” she says with a big grin.  Really?  No, not always.  They both allow each other to win.  They understand, as See Yin said earlier in the evening, “There is no such thing in a marriage as win or lose.  There is either win-win or lose-lose.  If one wins, the other wins.  If one loses, both lose.”  

I love talking to these ladies!  And I can’t wait to share with you something fascinating See Yin shared with me regarding a communication method she began using some time ago.  The method is written in French so I have to do a bit more research to share it with you on Monday, but I’m excited to tell you all about it.

Question: When your husband is upset about something, do you truly listen or do you begin thinking about where he is to blame and simply wait for your turn?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Following my interviews in Cape Town, I took a quick trip through Johannesburg, South Africa.  I’ve wanted to come here since I was a teenager.  Twenty or so years ago, my parents visited Johannesburg and returned with a postcard picture of the city.  They placed it on the fridge and I promised myself I’d go there one day.

Well, yesterday was the day.  In the US and Cape Town, I’d heard some negative things about Johannesburg and my safety there but I couldn’t allow that to keep me from enjoying a city I’d dreamed about for so many years. 

A cornocopia of people.  The history of this city runs deep and the wounds of many of the people run even deeper.  But there is a pride in Johannesburg that no one can take away from those who call it home.  It is the metropolis of South Africa.  Most of the business that happens in South Africa, begins or ends here.  You cannot come to South Africa without seeing the city where it all happens. 

I was honored to be interviewed by The Star while there.  The news editor was made aware of this club through another journalist in Cape Town.  Following the interview, the photographer offered to show me around the city.  And that he did – in a convertible Mini Cooper with a big red stripe across the hood and back of the car, trimmed in checkerboard.  That is not the car to travel in if you’re scared to be in the city.  Good thing we weren’t!

I had a blast.  I’m grateful to the people of Johannesburg that made me feel so welcomed.  Thank you.  And now, I continue on my quest to find the secret to a happy marriage, by interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more around the world.  Next stop, the beautiful island of Mauritius!

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 42,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Like every couple I’ve met along this journey around the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage, Pat & Henry of Cape Town, South Africa, have remained great friends over the 47 years they’ve been married.  Early on in their marriage, they made a conscious choice not to sweat the small stuff.  And according to them, it’s all small. 

Henry tells me he and Pat decided long ago that tomorrow is never promised so they would never carry a disagreement into the night.  It simply wasn’t that important.  Those who take a disagreement to bed with them, they tell me, make an unwise and presumptive decision. 

In order to allow yourself to go to bed angry with your spouse, Henry says, you have determined you will wake up the next day and be able to continue in that disagreement (or argument).  You assume your spouse will wake up next to you.  But what a tragedy it is, they both point out, if your spouse were not to wake up the next morning.  The memory you’d be forced to live with for the remainder of your life is not the great times you had together but rather the last thing you did or said.  It is a regret likely to stay with you until the day you pass away.

I could continue this interview with Pat and Henry for the next week and never tire of hearing them speak or watching them interact with one another.  But unfortunately, it’s time for me to move on to the next country.  Johannesburg, here I come!

Question: Think about the last disagreement you took to bed with you.  How would you have felt if your husband did not wake up the next morning and that is the memory you were left with for the rest of your life?  Would it be worth it?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I met Pat & Henry through newly-made friends in Cape Town, South Africa.  When I had tea and dessert with Dot & Ken, Dot told me about the high amount of energy of her 70-yr old aunt.  But even I wasn’t prepared for the couple who came to meet me.  They looked decades younger than their birth certificates might claim.  ”I can’t believe you’re 70 years old,” I told Pat.  ”I’m not!  I married an older man.  I’m 67, Henry’s 72,” she quickly corrected me.

As soon as we sat down in the hotel restaurant, I knew exactly why Dot suggested I interview them on my journey around the world to discover the secret to a happy marriage.  “We have a lot of fun,” Henry began after my inquiry regarding their energy and youth.  “And the thing is, we don’t have to do anything to be happy.  Our own company is plenty for us.  We’re great friends, so even if we don’t go out around the town, it’s enough for us,” he began. 

He shared all the beautiful things there are to do in Cape Town between enjoying all he wineries, walking along the beaches, eating at the endless number of restaurants, but they prefer to not do much of anything, “We can actually sit in each other’s company all day long and not be bored.”

They are friends.  From the moment they sat down to dinner together, it was evident.  They joke, play and laugh at each other’s expense, all while remaining completely respectful of each other.  Pat calls Henry “Lovie.”  Throughout our time of tea and dessert together, they looked into each other’s eyes, made one another smile more times than I can possibly count, and held hands as if today could be their last.

I wondered, out loud, if they’d always been this way.  The answer was yes.  “I remember a friend told me one day I was going to have to wake up from this bubble I was in and live in the real world.”  I knew exactly what her friend meant because I’ve been given similar advice throughout my marriage.  But I’ve refused to listen because the happiness in my marriage is what I’ve chosen and consequently created.

Keith and I, like Pat and Henry, have chosen our friends very carefully over the years.  They’ve intentionally kept people close to them who are likeminded; those who put their marriage and family first.  Those who, as Henry put it, are not destructive to one’s relationship or thoughts about one’s marriage.  They will not sit in the company of a couple who are not respectful of one other. 

Over the many years they’ve been married, they truly believe this has greatly impacted their relationship.  They have spoken positively of each other and their marriage has turned out to be more than they could have ever hoped or dreamed.

Question: Do you intentionally choose friends who are good for you and your marriage?  Have you had friends in the past who were destructive in this regard?

Join me here tomorrow for more from my interview in Cape Town, South Africa, and the fantastic advice from this couple happily married 47 years and counting.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I’ve heard this idea many times before but never quite like this.  Dot & Ken, the South African couple I enjoyed dessert and tea with while in Cape Town, told me about a daily ritual they have that seemed pretty cool.  

Each morning when they awake, Dot goes to open the window shades before the sun rises while Ken goes to make a pot of coffee.  They return to the bed and have what they call their daily “board meeting” while watching the city lights turn on.

During their board meeting, they sip coffee and discuss their upcoming day and the significant things that happened the day before.  They both work long hours and have hectic schedules so this is a time of reconnection for them.  It allows them to give each other a brief download of what’s going on in their individual lives.

I’ve heard a similar ritual from many of the happily married couples I’ve interviewed over the past couple years.  Miriam & Efi, married 37 years, sip port and have appetizers every night for this same purpose of connection.  Marie and Nick, married 59 years, get together every night around 6pm for ‘cocktail hour’ where she’ll most oftentimes sip on a glass of Sauvignon Blanc or vodka and grape juice (dirty martini on Friday nights) and he’ll enjoy a glass of vodka tonic while discussing matters of the day.  They talk about everything from their business, to the kids, to family and friends.

This daily time of connecting and sharing is intentional.  They each set the time aside to do it.  Not only does it strengthen communication and the marital bond, it builds trust.  When you spend time each day sharing with your spouse what you did, allowing him to share what he did that day and what your upcoming schedule looks like, something amazing happens. You get to know what’s going on in each other’s world.

There is just something about knowing what’s going on in the life of your spouse when he’s away from home that builds trust, and vice versa.  It’ not the main purpose of this daily connecting time, but it is certainly an added bonus.

Question: Do you have an intentional daily time of connection with your husband?  If so, why do you think it’s important?  If not, is it something you think you can begin building into your schedule?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 41,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

I wish I could express to you the love I now have for Cape Town, South Africa.  I expected it to be nice, even beautiful.  I did not expect breathtaking.  During my time here, I’ve had the chance to meet two lovely couples.

I don’t think I previously shared with you how I decided upon the couples I’d be interviewing as I travel the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  Although I’ve come to know many members of this club very well online, for this journey, it was important I interviewed people referred to me by people I personally know outside of the online world.

My first interview in Cape Town was referred to me by a good friend of a friend.  Although this lovely couple are thrice removed from a direct friendship, their reception of me from the moment they arrived at my hotel was warm, open, receptive and what some folks back home might refer to as southern hospitality.  It’s the South African way.

Ken & Dot are friends.  They make each other laugh and don’t mind when the other tells jokes about them.  When I ask Ken what prompted his impromptu marriage to Dot -he told her to mark a specific date on her calendar as they were both very busy with work and he wanted them to get married on that day- he says with a completely straight face, “It was tax season and I needed a deduction.” 

With that, Dot began laughing and said, “I’m going to get a tee shirt that reads, ‘I’m a tax deduction’.”  They make each other laugh.  Something I’ve seen time and time again with couples I’ve interviewed. 

Laughing is infectious and it’s so important in a lasting relationship, or at least that’s something I’m quickly learning being around all these wise couples.  Those who don’t take themselves that seriously, inside or outside of the bedroom, seem to just do better.  They argue less, agree alot faster, and truly enjoy each other’s company.

Laughter is one of the many keys to their loving marriage (I’ll share another one, they call their daily “boardroom meeting” tomorrow).  Laughter, overall, is known as one of the greatest stress reducers and relationship builders.  There’s even such thing as Laughter Yoga.  

It’s been said, Laughter is the greatest medicine.  And I must admit, I don’t know of a much better one.

Question: How well are you at laughing at yourself?  Do you find when you don’t take things so seriously it allows you to remain more lighthearted and allow for a friendlier relationship with your husband?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 41,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

My time in Cape Town so far has been -in one word- amazing.  As many of you know, I am currently making my way around the world to 12 countries and all 7 continents in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  We have thousands of members in this region so I travelled here to interview two fabulous couples. I look forward to sharing excerpts from those interviews tomorrow and Friday.

Until then, enjoy a few photos from my time here in Cape Town and for those in the US, have a Happy 4th of July holiday weekend.  For those around the world, have a fantastic day.

One of the wives I interviewed took me on a 3-hour hike overlooking all of Cape Town.  I could barely keep up with her and she’s 67-years old (in my defense, her energy level is like a 30-yr old)

The ferris wheel at Victoria Wharf that allows you to look out over the city

Bronze statues of Nelson Mandela, FW de Klerk, Desmond Tutu & Albert Luthuli at Noble Square

V & A Waterfront Shops

Make sure to join me here tomorrow as I share exceprts from my interviews with two happily married couples in Cape Town.  One couple, married, 47 years, gave some of the best advice I’ve heard about marriage.  I look forward to sharing with you what I learned during my time with them.

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With nearly 41,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook