The title for this blog post is really “A Political Guide for Marriage: What To Do When You’re Red & He’s Blue,” but there simply wasn’t enough space.  Keith and I were chatting with friends last night, a couple happily married more than 50 years, that we love and respect completely.  They had a question for us, “So how did you vote on the death penalty initiative?”  In California, there is an initiative on the ballot to ban the death penalty and change our state to the highest punishment being life without chance of parole.

Keith and I looked at each other and just laughed because we have very different views on this topic.  I won’t tell you which one of us are on which side as this is not a political site and I have no desire to delve into political or social views.  But I will say this, when Keith and I shared with them our respective views, our blood never boiled, we didn’t get worked up and we remained best friends throughout the conversation.  I respect his opinion.  He respects mine.  But on this issue, we simply disagree.

Our friends were both leaning in the direction of the way I felt about this issue but told us they didn’t start off in agreement.  ”After a little bit of fighting we’re now on the same page,” they joked.  We know them well enough to know they may have disagreed but they certainly didn’t fight over political differences.  The presidential election comes once every four years.  Political pundits and media gain higher ratings by creating large divides between each side and adding fuel to the flame as often as possible.  That is their job.  But they have no jurisdiction in my home.  

When the election is over, this country will still have a president (same or new), some folks will go to congress and some will be put out to pasture.  Certain propositions will pass and many will fail.  But what will not fail is my will, desire and determination to stay on the same page with my husband when it comes to our relationship and marriage.  Disagreeing on political views is par for the course when you marry someone who is different from yourself and in our case, opposites certainly attracted.

QUESTION: Do you and your husband have the same political views?  If not, what do you do to keep the peace when you have opposing views?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 72,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

So often I’m reminded not to keep score when it comes to marriage.  When my husband does something unintentional that hurts or disappoints me, not to keep score and allow that to impact the moments and days following that infraction.  I remind myself of how wonderful he is and how he never means to say or do anything to hurt me.  Of this, I am certain.

Years ago, Keith said something that has always stayed with me.  When giving another couple advice about marriage he told them he always “presumes innocence” when it comes to me and our relationship.  He knows I love and adore him more than anything in this world.  But he also recognizes I’m deeply flawed as a human being and he’s also not without fault.  None of us are perfect so we’ve long decided to accept each other’s differences and to never keep score when one does something wrong.

But recently I realized I’m not as diligent with not keeping score when I do something right.  When I take out the trash instead of waiting for Keith to do it.  When I clean up the house or do laundry, even when my work day has been as jam packed as his, I look for a gold star.  I didn’t realize this until more recently.  When I do something, I want his recognition.  When I’m deciding if I’ll do something I know he’d appreciate but would be a bit of an inconvenience for me, I sometimes take inventory of what I’ve most recently done and make my decision from there.  That’s a flawed thought process.  Thank goodness I now realize that.

I am reminding myself daily that all I give to my husband is just that, a gift.  All I do for our household is not only for him but is also for me.  I have to remember keeping a scoreless marriage means not keeping “score” of not only what my husband does wrong, but also of what I do right.  

QUESTION: When you do things for your husband or even around the house, do you look for him to give you “gold stars” or do you give of your time and love because you know he would do the same for you?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

COMMENTS: With more than 72,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

I’ve always loved the milk commercials and print ads with the celebrities and kids with milk moustaches, “Milk.  It does a body good,” they all proclaim.  For the lactose intolerant people in this world, like me, milk does a lot of things to my body and I assure you they aren’t all good.  But I tell you what has done wonders to my body: a happy marriage.

One of the things I learned in my travels around the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage, was every happily married couple I interviewed had some sort of daily ritual.  Coffee in the morning before the day begins, port and appetizers at the end of the day, watching their favorite television show together, there were many different rituals but the key to all of them was consistency.

While conducting these interviews, I began to notice this pattern and immediately began thinking about a ritual Keith and I could begin once I returned home from my travels.  He loves coffee, quite possibly more than food, but caffeine is not a friend to my skin.  If I drink too much, my skin begins to resemble that of a teenager going through puberty.  So I came up with another idea.  We could workout together.

As soon as I returned, I signed us up at a local fitness studio that offers yoga and spinning.  We began taking the class every morning at 5:30am.  Before we could wipe the sleep out of our eyes or convince one another we were too tired to go, we were already in the car and on our way.  This is when I realized how much more difficult it is to talk yourself out of a daily workout when your partner is expecting you to do it together.

If I want to workout daily so I can look more fit naked (not just in clothes), cut back on sugar, give up processed foods or eat healthier, it’s a lot easier to do that when you know someone is holding you accountable.  Marriage provides a built-in accountability partner.  Of all the beautiful benefits of marriage, this is one of my favorites.  In my life, marriage –quite literally- does the body good.

Question: Have you and your husband ever dieted or worked out together?  Do you find it easier to stick with a program when you have your husband as an accountability partner?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!    

COMMENTS: With more than 71,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

I can’t help but write about Nadeen and Alex again.  I mentioned them yesterday in my post about happily married couples seeming to have the secret to looking and feeling young.  From the moment Nadeen and Alex heard about the Happy Wives Club, they began sharing with me some of the benefits they’ve enjoyed from marriage: having a partner throughout the unavoidable ups and downs of life, raising two beautiful boys together, enjoying “us” time, reaching for their dreams together, etcetera.

She and Alex told me they’d recently been talking about the fact that almost all the people around them were getting divorced or were unhappy in their marriages.  Their relationship was a bit of an anomaly among their group of family and friends.  I inquired about what they thought was the difference between their happy marriage and the unhappy marriages of many of those around them.  It took only seconds for them to answer, “So many people think the grass is greener on the other side and they try [in vain] to find happiness somewhere else.  We prefer our own grass.”

They told me how so many of those around them bought big houses outside of the city and then spent all their time on the road commuting to and from work, barely having any time for their families.  Alex and Nadeen have always kept it simple.  They bought a small home and made sure the entire family had dinner together every night.  Now, that the kids are grown and it’s just the two of them, they spend almost every waking hour at their print shop.  But they’d have it no other way because even when they’re at work, they’re still together.  They’ve always made their family the priority.

I thought about them again today as I sit in my hotel room in Harrisburg, PA.  I’m certain they’ll be a lot of beautiful green grass in this city.  But the greenest grass, the garden I love the most, is awaiting me in Los Angeles, California and I can’t wait to return home.

Question: So many marriages break up because people think the “grass is greener on the other side.”  What do you do to ensure your own grass is what you prefer most?

Until Monday…make it a great day!   

COMMENTS: With more than 71,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

One of the things I love most about being a marriage advocate, and writing exclusive on the positive aspects of being married, is I seem to attract happily married couples everywhere I go. 

The day before I flew to Vegas a couple weeks ago, I realized I was out of business cards and needed to order some quick.  I Googled “business cards and Marina Del Rey” and called the first print shop to pop up. 

The woman that answered the phone, Nadeen, was so kind and assured me they could complete the cards by the end of the day.  She asked me to send the artwork to her graphic designer, Alex, and they’d get started.

When I arrived at the print shop at nearly 8pm, I was greeted by Nadeen, her two gorgeous dogs and Alex.  She went to look for my business card proof but didn’t see it on her desk.  When she asked Alex, I couldn’t help but notice his response, “Sweetheart, they’re right there on the table.”

“It couldn’t be.  Could it?” I thought.  By now, I’m accustomed to happily married people crossing my path daily, so I had a feeling this might be another one of those encounters.  I immediately began probing.  How long had they owned the shop and worked together?  12 years.  Did they enjoy working together?  Absolutely.  How many children?  2 sons.  How long had they been married?  31 years. 

That last answer took me by surprise.  I would have pegged them both for being in their early 40’s.  But this too, is something I have become accustomed to finding in happy couples.  I shared with them the recent worldwide adventure I’d returned from in my quest to find the secret to a happy marriage and some of my more interesting findings. 

“Happy marriages seem to be a youth elixir,” I told them.  I’m yet to meet a couple who have been happily married 25 years or more that don’t look at least 10 years younger than their actual age.  Usually, they look between 15-20 years younger.  One of the wives I interviewed in Cape Town, South Africa was 67 years old but barely looked 50 and had more energy than me (and I’ve got energy to spare). 

I wish I could tell you I’ve done a scientific study on the effects of marriage on thickness of hair, suppleness of skin, strength of nails and heightened energy but that would be a fib.  I can only tell you I’ve interviewed more happily married couples than I can count and there is one thing I can’t help but notice in all of them.  They seem to not only have the secret to a happy marriage but unlimited access to the fountain of youth.

And as an added bonus, the Mayo Clinic has confirmed through their research happily married couples have lower rates of heart failure, cancer, and other diseases.  So other than the benefit of being happy (which is a blessing all by itself), at least two additional benefits of being happily married are living longer and enjoying more energy while you’re alive.

Question: What do you think are some of the benefits of having a happy marriage?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 71,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

If gratitude had a baby, it’s name would be happiness.  If happiness had a baby, it’s name would be kindness.  Gratitude begets happiness and happiness begets kindness. These are two lessons I continue to learn every day.

Whenever there is a time I don’t feel happy, I remind myself to pause and begin thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for and I immediately begin to smile.  The little things like the ocean, stars, sun, moon, trees, grass, beautiful flowers and peanut butter (oh, how I love peanut butter).  The big things like my family, friends, writing, this club and frozen yogurt (oh, how I love sweets).

I would run out of paper before I finished writing all the reasons I have to be grateful.  Without intention, that gratefulness naturally leads to happiness.  And when I’m happy, I smile more, I’m far more patient with others and I am kind.  

I’d love to believe I’m always kind to everyone I encounter but I know that’s not the case.  When I’m rushed or stressed, I know I’m not as kind to others as I’d hope to be.  It’s during these times I have to be reminded to pause…be grateful…and allow my gratitude to elevate my attitude in that moment.  The moment I do that, I notice everything around me begin to shift for the better.

Maybe it’s the endorphins -you know, those biochemical substances that give us a feeling of euphoria and well-being- that are released when we laugh.  When we’re spending time with our family and friends, focusing on what is beautiful and lovely in our lives, that’s when everything seems to fall in place.

Yesterday, on our Facebook community page, I asked members what their husbands sometimes do that make them laugh.  Just reading the responses made me laugh.  I’ve heard it said that “happiness is fleeting.”  I can’t say I completely agree with that statement.  It seems to me that gratitude is what is fleeting and to find happiness, one need not look any further than the mirror.

Happiness is a choice, I’m often reminded.  And my happiness begins the moment I open my eyes in the morning and whisper, “Thank you” and continues throughout the day with an overwhelming sense of gratefulness.

Question: What do you feel most grateful for today?

Until tomorrow…make it a great one!

Comments: With more than 70,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

Travelling back from a conference in Las Vegas this past Sunday, I stopped at the curbside skycap counter to check in my bag.  The handsome man came from behind the counter and met me at the curb to get my bag, “Heading out on Southwest?” he asked with a gorgeous smile.

After handing him my driver’s license, he asked if Weaver was a married last name.  ”Yes, why?” I asked.  I wasn’t thinking he was hitting on me because men very rarely -if ever- do that.  I think the huge smile on my face must tell them, “I’m soooo happily married don’t even bother!”  But this guy ventured into inquiry territory.

“If you weren’t married, I would be initiating a completely different conversation,” he continued.  I smiled.  Compliments are flattering.  But as to ensure my smile wasn’t misleading, “I’m not just married.  I’m reaaaallly happily married,” I responded.  He smiled and then said something that didn’t really hit me until, by happenstance, I watched the first minute of a Train video someone posted on Twitter this morning called Marry Me.  

“Oh, don’t worry,” the skycap told me, “I respect the ring.  When a man asks a woman to marry him, he’s serious.  Men don’t just ask women to marry them.  They mean it when they say it.”

He is so right.  Men will date for decades before proposing to “the one.”  Unlike women, it is not frowned upon for a man to be a bachelor and to be with a different woman every month.  His friends will give him high fives.  And women these days have made it far too easy for a man not to need to propose.  You know the saying…why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?  

 When a man proposes, as the skycap reminded me, he believes he’s found the one person who makes it worth it to forsake all others.  Your husband had more women to choose from than he could ever count (all men do).  And yet, he chose you!  Don’t you find that fact awesome, fascinating, lovely, beautiful and just all around amazing?  I certainly do.

As you go into this weekend, think about the love in your husband’s eyes when he asked you to marry him (whether or not he did so on bended knee).  He pledged his life to you.  And that, my friend, is incredible.

Question: How did your husband propose to you and do you remember the exact day?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 69,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation.  

JOIN US: If you’re happily married, join the club.  It takes only a few seconds and is FREE!

Following my father’s passing a few weeks ago, people flooded my mother’s home with flowers.  Many people sent flowers to our house, which I promptly dropped off at mom’s.  The interesting thing is whether or not people knew my mom’s favorite flower, they all instinctively sent the same kind: orchids.

Orchids are my mother’s favorite flowers.  They’re mine, as well, but I don’t keep them around the house for one simple reason: I kill them.  I physically kill them no matter how hard I try to take care of them.  When it comes to orchids -really, when it comes to any potted plant- I can’t seem to keep them alive.

When I visited my mom yesterday, I commented on how so many had sent orchids to her house and mine.  She responded with a smile, “You know why orchids are my favorite flower?”  No, I realized I didn’t.  ”They’re so easy to keep alive.”  Really?  They could have fooled me.  

She explained that most people over-water orchids which is why they die.  But she loves them because they only require one cup of water, once a week, and they remain living and vibrant.

Thinking on her words, I thought about an event I attended recently for online writers.  When I’d tell people I wrote about being happily married or that the name of this site was the Happy Wives Club, I received one of two responses.  Either they loved that I focused exclusively on the positive side of marriage or they kindly excused themselves from the conversation.

Everyone’s experience in marriage is different.  Everyone’s concept of how to take care of their family varies.  Just like the difference between orchids at my home that die after just a couple weeks and orchids at mom’s house that seem to live forever.  Marriage is no different than every other living thing in life.  The outcome will be determined by how well we tend to and care for it.  Mom knew to water once a week, and only one cup.  I thought I was doing a great job by watering daily.  I was wrong.

I may have a black thumb when it comes to plants but I definitely have a green thumb when it comes to caring for my marriage.  And working toward getting better at it each day.

Question:  How important do you think “date night” is to maintaining a happy and healthy marriage?  Do you and your husband schedule them regularly?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 69,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation. 

I am so grateful to have had such wonderful guest writers for the past two weeks as I focused on family and the passing of my father.  Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement.  I will return on Friday with a post just for you.  

Our guest writer today is Laurie Watson, a marriage counselor with over two decades of experience and a sex therapist.  She blogs on Psychology Today’s online site: Married and Still Doing It and can be reached on her Facebook community page.  She serves us food for thought in today’s blog post.

—————

Balancing our human needs for connection and autonomy as a couple is the secret to marital happiness.  We need closeness, connection, love and sex.  It’s why we got married in the first place!  And we also need space, respect, agency and autonomy.  While both partners have both needs, in marriage, we often corner the market on one end of the spectrum.

For instance, Suzie loves to chat when she and her husband Frank rendezvous in the evening.  She enjoyed their dating days when they spent long hours hanging out and relaxing together.  Her favorite way to end the day would be a long walk holding hands, a cozy dinner and snuggling on the couch watching their favorite shows. 

Frank, however, likes to do solitary activities to calm down after his day.  He’ll spend hours on the computer checking emails and playing a game or two.  His work absorbs much of his energy and he’s passionately involved in his career.  He goes along with Suzie’s ideas but doesn’t initiate plans for the family. Sex is how he feels most relaxed and connected to Suzie. She likes sex after she feels emotionally close.

Suzie is an emotional pursuer and Frank is a sexual pursuer but an emotional distancer.  Without a strategy, this pattern brings disillusionment and difficulties.  The pursuer chases only to have the distancer run away creating a frustrating dance.  While the pursuer seemed seductive early in the relationship, now he/she closes the gap with criticism and anger. 

Pursuers say, “You starve me,” and feel most afraid of abandonment. Distancers might have seemed stable and solid, but later seem passive and absent.  Distancers say, “Whatever I give you is never enough” and feel most afraid of being controlled.  We often flip-flop our basic positions when it comes to sex.

Becoming flexible with our partner and understanding their needs is marriage insurance.  The challenge for emotional pursuers is to stop criticizing and reduce anger.  Make a direct request instead. The distancer must feed their partner with love the way their partner experiences love.  To change the cycle, each must commit to an unconditional effort, giving without begrudging and without measuring the other’s reciprocal effort.

Question: They say “opposites attract.”  If you married a man quite different from you, how were you able to create a relationship that continues to flourish?

##

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 68,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation.

Today, we have a guest post by Karen Jones, a relationship coach since 1997, who loves to help wives have scrumptious relationships with their husbands. 

Visit Karen’s website www.TheHeartMatters.com to learn more.  I hope you enjoy today’s post and as always… 

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

 ————–

My husband Craig and I will be celebrating our 18^th wedding anniversary on October 8^th.  And we’re more in love than the day we got married. 

Unlike with both of our first marriages, our relationship gets better every year.  Why?  Because we shower each other with the precious gifts of:

* Unconditional acceptance

* Generosity of spirit (I explain more of this below)

* A commitment to meeting each other’s needs

Neither one of us had anything close to a good role model growing up, so, for most of our adult lives, we acted from what we had been taught directly, or – more insidious and powerful – what we had observed.

Of all the things I’ve learned over the years about how to have a successful marriage (and teach my clients), this one discipline I credit with having the biggest impact on being able to be the wife I am committed to being:  I always assume he’s operating from the very best motive, intention, or desire to please me, no matter how things turn out.  That, to me, is generosity of spirit.

What if the perceptions we have (the “glasses” through which we “see”) about why our husbands do what they do cause us to have hurt feelings? What then? Most likely, we strike back. (That had been my primary defense: a good offense – and it caused me to be mad at my first husband for most of the five years that we were married!)    

I found that telling myself a better-feeling story – choosing a perception that kept my heart open, grateful and loving – was the ticket to more and more generosity, humor, love, and deeper trust between us.  That’s a lot of great stuff to get from switching the lenses I’m looking through!

And the best part?  Just about 100% of the time, the stories I’ve had to tell myself to feel better were the ones that were true!

Question: When your husband “misses the mark” on a specific desire of yours (date, anniversary gift, etc), do you make an effort to recognize and appreciate his good intention rather than the momentary shortcoming?

##

Comments: With more than 67,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook Community page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation.