“Love, Your Wife and Biggest Fan” – With these six words, I closed out a short hand-written note I left on the bathroom counter for my husband to see when he got up at 4:00am for work the next morning.
I contrast the words in this note with years 10 through 15 of our marriage (we’ve now been married for 22 years – YAY!), when I wasn’t inspired to even look at my husband without contempt and anger – a time when we teetered dangerously on the brink of divorce. Since then, healed and restored our marriage to being better than ever, we’ve both grown up, and we now have a juicy marriage. For me, this growing up process has included getting better and better at being my husband’s biggest fan.
The key is being able to take these six words and then back them up with consistent actions and behaviors that say: I believe in you, I’m in your corner, and I think you’re the best.
I’m reminded of how this can sometimes be easier said than done. As a Seattleite and Seahawk fan, I was tested during the recent 2015 NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers, the final game that stood between us and the Superbowl. We were down 16 to zero in the third quarter without a single point on the board.
At this point in the game, there were many fans that started to waver and withdraw their belief. I heard stories of fans leaving football parties early or changing channels away from the game. They were allowing the scoreboard to determine their degree of belief. When we were winning, everyone was “all in,” but when the chips were down, many started “jumping ship.” I admit it – I too had doubts that started to creep in, but outwardly, my resolve stayed firm. I kept shouting at the TV, “Come on, fellas. You can do it!” And yes, they went on to miraculously win that game and advance to the Superbowl.
No matter how things may appear, we want to make it clear to our husbands through our words and actions – I’m here for you, with you, and I believe in you, no matter what the “scoreboard” says.
Here are five simple but profound ways to say “I’m Your Biggest Fan” with both your words and your actions.
1. Speak Appreciation INTO him. Imagine that your husband is like a water pitcher. Speaking appreciation INTO your husband’s ears actually fills up his male spirit that same way the water fills up a water pitcher. Speaking Appreciation is about verbalizing to him that you appreciate him, and what you appreciate about him and his character, not just his actions. For example, when I call my husband in the morning when he’s at work (I operate my own business from my home office), I’m amazed at how he cheerfully answers, “Top of the morning!” every time. The other day, I paused to tell him, “Honey, I so appreciate your consistently positive, upbeat attitude whenever I call you at work.”
2. See Him with “New Eyes,” every day. Whew! This can be a tough one because things can occur that upset us, irritate us or piss us off. What I’m talking about here is actually demonstrating respect. In my “For Married Women Only” Tele-Courses, I pose a question to the wives: What does respect look like, in practice and in demonstration?” Usually, there’s a looong pregnant pause. This is because I’m not asking for the standard definition of respect as showing honor or esteem, but instead, how respect actually translates into actual behaviors and interactions with our husbands.
I invite you to consider a powerful and relevant definition of respect – one based on the original Latin origin of the word. “Re” means “again,” and “spect” means to “to see,” as in spectator or spectacles (remember those old-fashioned eyeglasses?). Coming from this new understanding of respect means that you are able to “see” your husband with new eyes each day,
Seeing my husband with “new eyes” sometimes requires that I first ask myself: What is it I’m really upset about (sometimes it’s not what I think it is)? Or do I need to apologize, or acknowledge that my perspective or perception may have been off or wrong? Any of these can support an inner attitude re-adjustment, instead of carrying over grudges, blame, or anger from the previous day.
3. Affirm Him. Back in high school, when it came time for me or another one of my girls’ basketball teammates to make a free thrown, the cheerleaders would chant, “You can do it. You can do it – You can. You can!” as they clapped their hands to the beat. We can take these same words and apply them to being our hubby’s biggest fan. Maybe he’s going for a promotion, changing jobs, undertaking a challenging new project, or even recommitting to his gym workout. To hear these words spoken by you lets him know that you believe in him, and his capability, regardless of the outcome.
4. Say THANK YOU, and add why you’re thankful. Men are wired to desire to be our heroes. So the days of slaying dragons may be long gone, but the opportunity to fulfill on simpler feats still exists. I recently asked my husband to change the lightbulb of one of the outside lights that illuminates our driveway. Yes, it took a 2nd reminder a day later (a loving reminder) before he got the lightbulb changed, but once he did, I thanked him and then added, I feel safer because I can now see better when I walk up or down the outside steps to get in and out of my car at night.
5. Notes, Notes, Notes. Post-it Notes are great because they can easily stick to smooth surfaces – the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, certain places on his car dashboard, the headboard of your bed; or on his dresser drawer. They are quick but highly impactful. The Post-it note on our bathroom mirror right now reads, “SMILE – your wife thinks the world of you.”
So say it with me, all of you #1 fans – “Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate? OUR HUSBANDS!!”