This Happy Marriage Rule Is Controversial…But It Works

By Fawn Weaver on Wednesday, May 7, 2014

**Welcome to week two of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club. Join me here weekly as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.**

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This happy marriage rule is controversial but it works

I’m not a huge fan of controversy.  Some people thrive off of conflict.  After many years of operating that way, I found it far more effective to find a middle ground rather than insisting on one right opinion.  

Sometimes, I post things I don’t expect to be controversial in the least, like Friday’s post, which got many in our Facebook community pretty fired up.

This aversion to controversy is likely what has caused me to keep one major happy marriage secret…well, a secret.  At least, I’ve not broached the topic on here.  

The interesting thing about this “secret” or “happy marriage rule,” if you will, is I am yet to meet a couple -who have been happily married more than 25 years- that did not swear by the importance of it. 

So what is this marriage rule I shudder to mention?

Put your marriage first.  Then children.  Then all else.

“Do you think I’m a bad person for saying that?” I remember Sandy asking me as I was wrapping up my interview with her for my book.  She and her husband were married 53 years before he passed away.  

“Of course not,” I responded.  ”Every couple I’ve ever met, who have been happily married for decades all live by your same rule,” I assured her.

I don’t remember the first time I heard this “happy marriage rule,” but I can tell you, every happily married couple I’ve interviewed (and I tend to only interview those married for at least a quarter of a century) have all done this one thing.  It was paramount in creating and guarding the marriage of their dreams. 

There are at least 5 benefits of putting your marriage first:

1. If you have children, they will thrive.  Research has proven time and time again that parents who have a loving and stable relationship instill confidence and reinforce stability for their children.  The best thing you can do for your kids is to let them see, hear and experience firsthand that you and your spouse are still in love and the family -even if it is a blended one- will be together forever.

2. Creates a united front.  Whether facing challenging times, exciting opportunities, or establishing boundaries for your kids, this united front is important to everyone around you (especially the two of you).

3. Teaches your children what to look for when choosing a spouse.  Being a living example of the marriage you want for your own children teaches them at an early age what love looks like (and what it doesn’t).

4. Helps you to create the marriage of your dreams…until the very end.  Marriage is a gift.  It is an investment.  It requires consistency and effort.  But it can also get stale and become stagnant if we aren’t conscientious of renewing our efforts to connect with one another daily.

5. Allows you to enjoy the empty nest years.  Have you ever met a couple who, after the kids have moved out or the spouses have retired, had to get to know each other again?  This is one of the most difficult things to do after years of putting other things ahead of your marriage.

If you’d like a step-by-step on how to accomplish this in your own marriage, WedMD did a great article on 7 ways to put your marriage first, that shares not only the how but the research behind why this principle is so important.

YOUR TURN: For those of you already doing this, what other benefits have you experienced from putting your marriage first?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club
Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are snarky, offensive, or off-topic. If in doubt, read My Comment Policy
  • Beeba9

    Amen and amen! I am a wife first and a mother second. I realized a long time ago that the children would be gone one day and I didn’t want to look across the dinner table at a stranger. We made a decision to date and to kiss and to cuddle and to vacation without the kids sometimes. Last month we celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary! It just keeps getting better and better!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Congratulations on your 38th wedding anniversary!! I am not surprised it just keeps getting better and better…because you always did this. Brilliant!

  • Mom od 4

    My husband and I believe this to be true. Going to be married 32 years soon and our 4 children are all well adjusted adults with careers, families and good citizens in their community. One thing I will add in is laughter! Laughter has gotten us through many sad or hard times.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh absolutely! That will be one of the principles in this 12-week series for sure. Can’t write a series on creating a happier marriage without including that.

  • kel

    We did things a little different, we only knew each other about 6 months we we married and then found out we were expecting, since then we had 2 more , they are all girls and now fully grown adults and 2 are in very happy marriages themselves. We have been happily married for 28 yrs and counting and it just gets better and better . I do know it takes 2 not just 1 to make strong marriage.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Hi Kel! Just wanted to clarify that this isn’t referring to the order in which you had children (before or after marriage) but rather the priorities. Putting your marriage first and then everyone and everything else except God, of course- after that.

  • Tonya

    Totally agree!! My boys are everything to me, but my husband comes second only to God!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Outstanding, Tonya!

  • Courtney Stoken

    I agree. I put my husband after God but first before all earthly things, and our marraige is wonderful. And because of this, I think I can honestly say he has full trust in me, which means that I’m fullfilling God’s role for me as his wife. #happywife

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Love that hashtag, Courtney!

  • Daisy Nae

    So agree! Just celebrated our 11th a couple of weeks ago. I’m so thankful to have been raised in a home where my parents put each other first and still do! My three babies are so blessed to be able to see their grandparents still in love!! I want the same for my marriage & my children!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      What a legacy, Daisy Nae! Three generations of putting marriage first so they are lovely and last.

  • Christine Craven Horvath

    My parents and my husband’s parents had solid relationships. My dad died just a few months before their 56th anniversary and my husband’s parents are still going strong at 67 years. This June will be our 42nd. Our 2 youngest have 14 years and 9 years with their spouses. I do believe we are a product of our upbringing and showing your children how to love and respect your spouse is job number 1 in my opinion.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      How fortunate your children are to have witnessed not just one generation of loving marriages but two.

  • Shel Rock

    My husband and I have been married for 9 months now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he was a divorcee with two children of his own. It’s been a crazy ride, this relationship of ours. My husband comes second only to God for me but he feels that the kids, especially my daughter should come before him. Our differences in opinion would sometimes cause conflicts. How can I help him to understand that this benefits our marriage and our family as a whole?

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Hi Shel! I can see how that could be challenging for you. Have you ever considered sharing articles like the one above or the one from Web MD so he can see the research firsthand and how putting your marriage first is actually healthy for the kids (and your marriage)? Maybe you can open up conversation with that as a talking point (bringing it up at just the right time, of course :) ).

  • Ayesha

    Yes exactly, if both wife and husband are happy only then you’ll have a happyfamily :-)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Happy parents…happy and healthy kids. Yep.

  • ALJC7

    One of the greatest gifts parents can give to their children is to love, honor, respect and cherish one another. I’ve seen more than a few marriages/families end in flaming heaps of scrap ion and ashes because either the husband or the wife (sometimes both) put their children fist. We are “one flesh” with our spouse, not our children. Not every couple starts out knowing this, however. Lord knows it took my husband and I long enough to figure this out. But we did and we’ve been married now for 29 years — it is crazy love all the way, for us. Our children survived the early years and they are stable and well adjusted.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      What’s great is it doesn’t really matter when we “get it” as long as once we do, we make it count. Sounds like that’s exactly what you’ve done.

  • http://portofpeacecounseling.com/ Marie Mertilus

    It is hard especially when you have the little ones. It is so true. I have to be intentional about making our marriage first. The kids will leave the nest. If you don’t put your spouse first, you will be two completely strangers. I have witnessed it too many times in my counseling practice. Two roommates living under the same roof. The children leave for college, and they have nothing in common. Great job on this post.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Marie. What you said made me think of the movie Failure to Launch. Did you see that? At the end, once they finally go their 30-something year old son out of their home, they realized, they didn’t know each other anymore. And weren’t sure if they liked who the other had grown into. They grew into separate beings over the years instead of growing together.

  • Jessica

    I don’t think we have ever discussed it, but it has become clear for us that we do prioritize each other more frequently than anything else. It is important for us to spend time with each other without children and for that reason, we could easily take a get-away, for instance to Rome, for a weekend, while our daughter is at home with her grandparents. I agree, it is controversial, especially in our western society, where motherhood is considered sacred more than marriage. However, I don’t really care. My daughter has loving parents, who kiss and hug each other everyday, thus it becomes natural for her, that love is a big part of a family life.

    Now, I look forward to attend to the Eurovision song contest on friday with my spouse, without our lovely girl. But she will see a lot happier parents the day after.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, she will!

  • Feeling Discouraged

    I completely agree with putting marriage before kids unfortunately the feeling isn’t mutual in my relationship. My husband and I have ten kids (five each) between us from a prior marriage. He has shown me time and time again that his relationship with his children will always come first. I constantly feel like an afterthought and coming to the sad conclusion that this isn’t going to work out. In the beginning I saw his efforts as the signs of being a good father. I’m not sure why I didn’t see it for what it really was.

  • TruthHurts

    Listen to her ladies & gentleman, my husband says I am first all the time, but in reality, his job comes first. He is in the military and he does not have the luxury of telling them “No, I want to be with my wife today.” It is a very painful reality that I am alone most of the time in our marriage and what precious time we do have together is split with our kids,one with special needs, His college homework, and constant interruptions from his job. I am dedicated to our marriage and family, but being in second, third, forth, and fifth place depending on the day or mission really takes it’s toll.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I can’t imagine how tough that might be, TruthHurts. I don’t know if this might help but so often “putting each other first” isn’t about time. Meaning, there are certain seasons in our lives when we have so much going on that it’s hard to set aside time to be together (especially, for those in the military). But if you can focus on your future, and spend as much time as possible dreaming together about what your future will be like once this season is over, it allows you to appreciate this challenging time while getting excited about what is yet to come. Hope that helps. <3

  • GregsWifey

    Greg and I have been together for 14 years on the 29th of this month and married for 5. We have told or kids from the get go, that if Mommy and Daddy don’t have time together (without the kids) then we won’t be a family. They understand now, since the younger ones are older that we are happier when we come back from our time away, which in turn, makes them happy and feeling secure. Our girls have never outwardly vocalized “disgust” when setting Greg and I show affection. I know they like seeing us happy and in love. We are examples to what we want them to strive for and have in a marriage.
    God is always at the center of all that we do and decision we make, then our marriage, children, family, etc. We pray together, give him the glory and through Him, have endured and will continue. Greg is more than a blessing and I tell him this every chance I can. I thank God for letting me be the one to walk through life on Earth with Greg, as his beloved wife. Just an honor. <3 <3 <3 <3

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      And what I love about this is when they begin looking for the man of their dreams, they’ll be looking for someone with the ability to love them as your husband loves you. Fabulous!

  • MrsKS

    As marriage is your most important relationship, putting it first puts everything else in perspective. Married 3 years and I see how making my marriage first priority (second to God) has positively effected all my other relationships; with parents, church, work, etc. Others will respect you for it and know not to cross boundaries when it comes to you and your spouse. My parents and husband’s parents are the same too. We’ve benefited too! We don’t have kids yet but will have to still make time and effort into US to be the best parents to our kid. Thanks for this post!

  • Amber R

    My husband and I have been together going on 5 years and married for 1 year June 1st. We have had a lot of ups and downs such as job loss and moving to new places. We have always made everything work in our favor by being a team. Now that we are married with our first child on the way we are more adamant about putting eachother first. To always take time out of our busy schedules to just spend time together snuggling on the couch. I know our “us” time may change for a while but we really plan on keeping our marriage our first priority, then our Family and our business lives.
    Loving reading your blog. Great article!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you so much, Amber! This just gave me the biggest smile, “We have always made everything work in our favor by being a team.”

  • MarriednNaked

    Putting my marriage first has put us on the path to Happy Ever After. It took me about 13 years of marriage to figure this one out :) But I believe in this rule wholeheartedly now.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Sometimes it takes us a while, doesn’t it? But all that matters is when we get it…we really get it :) .

  • Wife of T1D

    My husband called me “mom” the other day. I said, “Don’t call me mom. I’m not your mother.” There are times when I don’t want to be thought of as the mother of our children. I want to just be his wife (23+yrs). God intended for us to put our spouses before our children. My parent have been married 45+ yrs and my in-laws 52+ yrs. It is wonderful to have great examples in our lives. May God continue to bless you Fawn in the wonderful works of “Happy Wives”. I am so glad I found your site.

  • Angie Mc

    Glad to have found your blog and I’m glad to self-identify as a happy wife of 27 years! My comment isn’t to disagree but to share that my husband and I feel the “marriage first, children second” is a false choice, really. We put the most needy among us first. For example, a newborn infant is in great need of bonding to mother and father. As parents we often delay our own gratification for the benefit of others, including our children. Now that I have 4 children ages 9-21 plus a son-in-law and brand new infant grandson, the principle of meeting the needs of the most needy first is much more descriptive of how we live. Perhaps this is all semantics because my dear husband and I meet your 5 criteria and we are super fortunate to have terrific relationships with all of our children :) Thanks for the thoughtful post and I look forward to reading more from you!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for your comment, Angie! Yes, it’s all semantics because even by temporarily elevating those most needy in your family, you’re both still doing it together. Love hearing from happy wives of 27 years!

  • Carrie

    My husband and I make a point to have snuggle time every night even if it’s only 5min to reconnect. We aren’t able to have children but plan to adopt and have no plans on changing “our time” together. It doesn’t have to be hours but if you can’t find 10min in your day to speak to your spouse IMO you’re doing something wrong. so wrong that you’re in danger of losing said spouse. To me, there’s nothing worth losing my husband after all we’ve been through. The only reason this rule is controversial and the divorce rate in America is at 50% is because people are too dam selfish these days and look out for themselves instead of the person they married. They are dead WRONG and that isn’t just an opinion. Look at the marriages lasting 30, 40, 50+ years! Bless those at 60 and 70yrs you married quite young as my own grandparents did and could have made it longer if my Gdad not done his duty and served this country for our freedom. Got a disease in Korea that he battled his whole life and finally took him at 67yrs old. His wife lived to be 84 so that’s why I said had he liv, their marriage could have been over 70yrs. Some marriages don’t make it these days much longer than 5. Why? People blame money but I don’t believe it. What I believe is the real cause is jealousy, selfishness, narcissism, pride etc. Those are the root causes and money is only an excuse. Marriage us a garden. If it isn’t worked and tended eventually weeds grow and choke the good out leaving only the bad to remain.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Love that you have snuggle time each and every night. That’s awesome!