There Has to be a Better Way

By Fawn Weaver on Friday, January 13, 2012

Driving down the 405 freeway yesterday, I experienced what is most common on the streets and highways of Los Angeles: midday traffic.  But I also had a new experience; one I will not soon forget.  

Out the corner of my eye, I saw a large black Mercedes with a young African-American girl sitting to the far right-side of the back seat.  She caught my eye because she sat slouched with her head down, almost as if she wished she could simply disappear.  Black jacket hood covering most of her face, although it was not cold outside.

As I pulled up a little more, I could see why this young girl was fading quickly into the backdrop in the scene of this car.  Assumedly, her parents, sat in the front seat.  Dad behind the wheel while mom sat in the passenger seat yelling and waving her index finger…at her Dad.  

Both took turns yelling and pointing their index fingers at each other.  And every second that passed by, I watched the girl shrink more and more.  I wanted to pull up on the side, roll down my window and say (in a not-so-gentle way), “Really, you can’t figure out a better way to communicate in front of this young girl?!?  You are the adults here, right?”  But I never slowed down.  

My heart was saddened.  I felt for the little girl as my lane began to outpace theirs and I continued on my journey.  As I write this post a day later, I still feel for her.  The tears she must cry in the dark of night when no one is around.  The poor communication skills she’s learning that will undoubtedly find their way into her classroom, friendships, relationships and later in life, in the workplace and her own marriage.

We wonder how kids can be so violent.  We trivialize their inability to control rage. Well, they’re learning it from somewhere and I hate to be the bearer of reality…it’s not all coming from the television screen.

Question: If you happened to be seated in the backseat of that car when this argument broke out and were given an opportunity to speak into the lives of those parents, what would you say?  And how would you say it?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club
Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • http://www.lemondroppie.com Ginny Marie

    Oh, my goodness, that is sad! My husband and I try not to fight in front of our children too much, especially yelling. But I have also read that a little disagreement in a marriage is good. Children learn that Mommy and Daddy fight, but then can learn how to make up. That the fairy tale "perfect marriage" doesn't exist. But I think you are totally right that kids don't always learn violence from the media. A lot of it has to do with what occurs at home. I wonder if that couple later showed their little girl that they still love each other, even when they fight? That's such an important message.

  • http://www.thedontlovedare.com Audry Cece

    So sad, but so true!!! Keep doing what you're doing, Fawn!! People NEED to hear these things. They are wake up calls for a lot of us .-Audry Cece

  • http://evenminds.com Jason Anthony

    As parents one of the worst things we can do is set an improper tone for our children to follow. Many parents, mistakingly, think that because a child is young that they do not, or cannot, understand.

    The problem with this is that it is not a question of understanding its with them learning that behavior of that sort is a) acceptable, and b) healthy. Yes, a child may not grasp the financial and emotional urgency of financial or work-related concerns, but they do learn their core-behaviors from mom and dad…

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Ginny- Okay, follow-up question to your response :) . Do you think it can possibly be more effective to learn to peaceably disagree? Meaning, are the arguments really necessary or are they simply an impatience on our behalf to listen and understand what another person is saying? If someone is yelling at you, do you ever really hear what they're saying? Don't you hear better when someone is speaking out of love or hurt rather than anger? And if you're like me and never really hear the words of anyone yelling, doesn't it stand to reason that there must be a better way to engage your spouse when you're not in agreement?

  • JSW

    I was that girl in the backseat, I know what that's like. I love the guideline that many healthy marriages and parents have, don't argue in front of the kids. The kids can already sense if there's tension, but no need to exasperate it with the shouting and yelling. Later on you wonder why they are disrespectful to their teachers and older authority, or yell at their own spouses and children when communicating. It's hard to unwind something you experience as normal or regular behavior. It's something I've had to learn in my marriage. Yelling is not communicating, it's the desire to be right, and we aren't always right.

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    @Audry & Jason- Thank you! Thank you! @JSW- Wow, to hear it from the perspective of the child… I yelled my way through life. Yelling and arguing always came natural to me. I was just an angry child/teen. But with my husband, I always knew there had to be a better way to communicate. It was just a matter of figuring out how to do it myself because I'd never tried to peaceably disagree before. But you are so right, yelling happens out of a desire to be right. And consequently, when yelling, we're never actually heard. I didn't understand that growing up but I certainly understand it now.

  • http://auntlala25.blogspot.com Lauren

    The poor girl! I remember my parents arguing and not using good communication skills. When I was married J and I both decided we were NOT going to handle conflict like our parents did-yelling, guilt trips, name calling, ect. If I could say something to those parents, it would be "What are you showing your daughter, what kind of communication are you teaching her, what kind of insecurities is she going to have because of your behavior?" I think if good communication is a PRIORITY in your home to handle conflict then the child will learn that behavior with out having to be in the middle of your and your spouses conflict. It would be a daily thing to deal with hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and disagreements in a healthy way. – a side note, YELLING should never be acceptable way to communicate.

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Lauren- Thank you for your thoughtful response. When I wrote today's blog post, I was a bit concerned because I knew it would challenge alot of women in how we naturally communicate and I didn't want anyone yelling at me through the comments section :) .

  • Christy Joy

    We often don't take seriously the statement "life and death are in the power of the tongue". People are slain everyday by the thoughtless words that come out of the mouths of those who are around them and many times it's a loved one. You can take back a lot of things but we can never take back words. "Think twice, speak life".~F.W.

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    @Christy Joy- I love that, "Think twice, speak life."

  • http://www.satisfiedbyhislove.blogspot.com Emily

    I remember being at the mall as a college student shopping with my mom one weekend. Across the food court I saw two parents arguing and this poor little boy looked completely defeated. So I went to the Arby's booth, bought the whole family some chocolate chip cookies, and politely and totally without sarcasm gave them the cookies and said, "I hope your day gets better." If I was in the backseat I don't think correcting the parents in front of the child would be too much better than what they already had going on. But maybe just taking time to ask her about herself and let her feel significant and loved would be enough. And maybe showing a little love would make them think twice about their own behavior. And then have a chat with them in private :)

    Also, I agree that it is good for children to learn conflict resolution, but in the context of their own world and relationships. As they grow up they learn how changing and uncertain the world is and how they are surrounded by friends whose parents are not together, they need to know that their home is a stable and secure place. I think disagreements between parents is for parents only and should be done away from children.

  • Kai Pineda

    As I read this blog and imagine the young girl in the back seat, I am reminded of many young girls whom I've met over the years who know this parental exchange very well. It should sadden any heart who loves God and his people. But what grieves me more, is the parents who never recognized or cared enough about their daughter in the back seat. When your need to be right is greater than your desire to protect your child, something is wrong. Our children follow the examples they see. My parents never argued in front of us. I almost thought they never fought. But the respect they had for one another, us and our family, caused them to demonstrate a healthy relationship we could emulate in the future. I pray this child will find peace and her parents find love.

  • http://www.themommycalling.com Krista

    I too was that little girl. Listening to my parents argue all night long, driving 24 hours to visit family as a child with my parents arguing the whole time, sometimes not even able to stay at a relative's house because my parents couldn't stop arguing with eachother or anyone else long enough for us to even stay. Wishing that they would just get a divorce so I wouldn't have parents like that. I would have rather had no parents than the ones I had. Arguing in a marriage is absolutely NOT neccessary. Arguing doesn't teach a child that the fairy tale isn't real…it's teaches them that love is not real. Arguing is not loving each other. I didn't know this until it was almost too late in my own marriage. I would start arguments with anyone and everyone I could throughout my life because I honestly didn't know any other way. I didn't know that if you simply talk to someone that it's not "losing". I thought a relationship was all about being the winner. I thought it was a good sign becuause it showed just how "passionate" I was. Boy, how misguided I was. What would I say to those parents? I would ask them, "Do you want her to turn out just like you? Do you want her to have empty relationships, low self esteem, and a complete lack of understanding what love even means?"

  • Angie M.

    This breaks my heart because I can SO relate to that little girl. I saw my mom and step dad argue and yell at each other, and I will tell you that I have had to fight really hard in my 8 1/2 year marriage to not repeat those same patterns. I have actually had to LEARN how to disagree in a loving and respectful fashion/tone in my adulthood. I wish I had learn these things in my childhood and teenage years, but that was just not the reality for me growing up and it has consequences. It takes courage, conviction and the grace of God to make the conscious decision to not repeat "the sins of our fathers." However, we as humans are not perfect and sometimes our flesh does get the best of us. So I agree with Ginny: A little conflict in a marriage can be a GOOD thing–when you are able to show your children how to humble yourself, ask forgiveness, and make amends. When you're tired, sick, or just plain grumpy because your HUMAN (lol), it's possible that you might not always respond in the most loving and kind way. (Let me be clear: I'm not talking about yelling and screaming, rudeness, insults, or anything of the sort.) Once in a while, that may happen in the presence of your children. But it speaks VOLUMES for your kids to see Mom or Dad turn to the other person and say, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, honey. I love you. Do you forgive me?" They will learn that conflict is not a bad thing, and that disagreeing with someone doesn't mean the end of the relationship, which we see so often in the media. They will grown up not fearing conflict and know how to handle it with lovingly and respectfully, and they will see in living color examples of humility and reconciliation.

  • Venassa

    I hope I never put my daughter into a situation like that. I know sometimes it's hard to put a hold on your anger until a better time, but I still never want that to be me. My mother and step-father didn't fight often, but I still remember the feeling I had when I could hear them fighting from my room and it's not a good one.

  • Fawn Weaver

    I am SO grateful for everyone's transparency on this blog post. To know we have so many among us who were that child. Wow! And I'm also grateful that no one is judgmental or believes their way is the only right way. We all speak from our own experiences. I came across a great blog post today by Darlene Schedt about a fight she recently had with her husband and what she learned from it. If you have time to read it this weekend, I think it was brilliantly written and wonderfully transparent: http://www.roomag.com/how-to-fight-with-your-husband/.

  • http://www.shannonyvette.com Shannon Yvette Tanner

    "When you argue in front of children, you change them." – Dr. Phil:) I love that quote, it is true. It is SO easy to get consumed with rage, pride and anger and lash out forgetting the damage you are inflicting on a precious gift, your child. My husband and I have matured over the years and made an agreement to never discuss anything too sensitive in front of the boys. The biggest causes of marital strife are pride, immaturity and selfishness. It seems that this young girl was witnessing all three in action. I have "been there, done that." I think God gives us children to rescue us from toxic self-absorption. My mentor often says, "the opposite of love is NOT hate, it is self-centerdness." I agree. We all can stand to lose a little "self" in order for our children to see healthy love and marriage modeled before them. Thanks Fawn, awesome reminder!!

  • Evette

    As I read todays post tears rolled down my face…..I have been in both seats. I want to share that if this is you (the parent) if you make the choice to change there is Hope. It's embarrassing to admit but it's also the only way to change. If you have a safe core prayer group or even 1 friend, get together confess your sins and fall on your face before the Lord. For me, I could easily use the excuse of my past but in my heart there are no excuses for such behavior. Laying down my rights was one of the hardest things to do in my marriage. We bring Glory and Victory to God when we choose to lay down our rights and learn to communicate properly!

    As the child in the back seat, it's devistating. If I had the opportunity to speak to her I would remind her that she was a daughter of the King. To always believe that God will protect, guide, and love her. That as parents sometimes we make bad choices and to pray for healing in her family.

    For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord. Thoughts of peace and not evil to give you a future and hope. Jeremiah 29:11

  • http://www.failuresneverfinal.com/blog/ Colleen (FNF)

    Sadly, I have also been that child. My childhood home was highly dysfunctional. Sadder still is the fact that, although I do try not to argue with their father in front of my children, I am guilty of doing this same thing (one would think that I'd know better, but . . . no). One thing you can do is to confess to both your husband and your children (when things cool down) and ask for their forgiveness. I think that emotions sometimes run high and that, even while we are aware that our behavior is wrong, we can make bad choices – these choices should become less frequent as our relationship with the Lord matures, but even as a solid Christian, we will fall. Bad choices are a part of life and at least my children and husband can see me asking for forgiveness and explaining where I was wrong, perhaps equipping them for how to handle similar situations in the future (although, of course, I would prefer for them to never argue).

  • http://www.simplyeatingbetter.com Tonya Peele

    Fawn – I remember my parents fussing and fighting (literally) the whole time we lived in the house together as a family. I know from personal experience the impact negative parental behavior can have on a child. Thanks for inspiring us to always be good role models for our kids.

  • Fawn Weaver

    I am so grateful to everyone continue to be transparent in this discussion so we can all learn from each other. That's what this "club" is all about. Women strengthening and encouraging each other in this oh so important area of life: marriage. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • http://www.thehunsblog.com the crafty hun

    i don't think people should go crazy and fight in front of their children, but i think it's ok to be heated. i have a friend that was WAY too over sheltered and today she has problems in relationships because of it.

  • http://www.fitmomsfitkidsclub.com Annett @FitMomsFitKidsClub

    I think I'd tell the parents.. "Hey guys (in a gentle voice) can't this wait?" A lot of times we want to get into our arguments with the sole purpose of Winning, and not thinking about whose around us. I'd ask the parents to wait until they were in private to finish their discussion because it's between them and not appropriate for everyone to hear. Hopefully that would give them time to cool off. Proper "battle" instructions need to be taught that's for sure, there are even rules of war for goodness sakes.
    Poor girl. Unfortunately this happens in most homes across America… time for the Happy Wives to change things, teach others. :)

  • http://www.thesefiveofmineplustwo.net Kasey

    I see those parents everywhere. It truly is an epidemic. I'd love to be able to just hand them a mirror. The disgust, mistrust, bitterness, and self-absorption reflected there would give them a peek at what they are planting and watering in their precious child's soul. The chasm between a man and his wife can only be filled by Jesus!

  • Fawn Weaver

    Such thoughtful comments. I am so happy I wrote on this topic in spite of being a bit nervous of what the response might be. We all learn from each other and that's what I love about HWC. That in the fact that I'm surrounded by so many wise women. <3

  • http://upwithmarriage.wordpress.com/ Robyn Gibson

    At one time we were the parents in the front seat, and in the back was our son. Learning about yourself and changing through humility; realizing all the crap you have put your kids (and husband through) ….

    I'm so thankful for the mercy of God and the prayers and support of friends.

  • http://www.confrontingissues.com DEBORAH PEGUES

    Resolving conflict effectively is LEARNED behavior. Unfortunately, most do not seek to perfect this skill. It really takes the Holy Spirit to empower a man or woman to "open his/her mouth with wisdom". We need to make a commitment to using our words to build and not tear down. We must also pray for those who do not.

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Robyn- I honor you for your transparency and admitting you were once that mom in the front seat of the car and desired to make the change – and did it. @Deborah- It is absolutely a learned behavior and I absolutely agree we need to make a commitment to use our words to build and not tear down. Thank you so much for taking the time not only to read but also to leave your comments so we can all continue to learn from each other.