The Power of Positive Thought in Marriage

By Fawn Weaver on Friday, December 13, 2013

the power of positive thought in marriage

Last weekend, Keith and I attended a wonderful tree trimming event for a friend.  Never mind that I forgot to bring an ornament for the tree (but I digress…)   

While chatting with friends in the kitchen, the husband of a women who’d received an advance copy of my book said something that really made me pause to think.

“What’s so brilliant about your book is you’re focused exclusively on the power of positive thought.  Every interview, if you listen closely to what they’re all saying, it always boiled down to their thoughts,” Barry began.

First, I was absolutely floored that this husband was not only reading the book with his wife but appeared to be enjoying it.  ”Go on,” I prodded him with intrigue.

“Think about the Alchemist,” he began.  I nodded my head as to pretend I was following him.  I knew it was either a book or a movie or both but knew little about it.

“Paulo Coelho, the author of The Alchemist, was known for this quote, ‘You are what you believe yourself to be,” he continued.  

“For so many couples, their focus is on what they don’t have in their marriage instead of what they do have.  The thoughts constantly floating through their minds are about what they lack rather than what they have gained.”  

At this point, he was positively giddy, as if looking forward to bringing home his point.

“‘You are what you believe yourself to be,’ so those who believe themselves to have a mediocre marriage or a less-than-stellar spouse create that reality for themselves.  And those who believe they have a great marriage and the spouse they chose is a wonderful person, that is what they become!”

Ah yes, the power of positive thought in marriage.  You become what you think about most.  Your focus often becomes your reality.

The unhappy husband may look at the pile of dishes in the sink and lament that his wife doesn’t keep the house spic and span.  The happy husband looks at that same pile of dishes and sees it as a reminder that his wife also goes to work each day or that she’s at home raising their beautiful children.

The unhappy wife might look at the dirty clothes her husband left on the floor or the toilet seat he failed to put down and allow that to frustrate her to a place of believing -in the moment- that this is the sum total of his being.  Allowing that to lead her down a path of mumbling, complaining or even worse, initiating an argument about something so trivial.

The happy wife might step over the dirty clothes knowing he’ll get around to them or pick them up herself knowing that only took 3 additional seconds out of her day.  But her thoughts remain squarely focused on the larger things, like how wonderful he is as a man, husband, father, provider.

Although I didn’t mention this explicitly in the book, Barry was spot on.  Every interview I conducted with a happily married couple, in 18 cities on 6 continents, each one had a distinct focus on the positive.  These couples guarded their thoughts daily about one another and their union.

Gratitude was continuously on their lips.  Grace toward one another in their hearts.  And all that is wonderful about marriage and their spouse is what replayed constantly in their mind.

If you want to find out what else I learned during my travels, and through these wonderful couples happily married 25 years of more, you can pre-order Happy Wives Club from Amazon today for 25% off.

Question: Can you think of an instance when changing your thought actually altered the end result?

Until Monday…make it a great day!

Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • Stephanie F

    Absolutely agree 100%!!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Awesome!

  • Erin

    Receiving this daily email, the happy wives club and CHANGING MY THINKING saved my marriage. Simple changes like mentioned above has made me love my husband more each day.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you so much for your encouragement, Erin!

  • Anurupa Sanyal

    @frawn,really need your advise to secure my married life….i always wants my husband to be a perfect which is impossible for him to change in many ways but same time i am unable to make myself ready to accept this…even i feel annoyed when i feel that he;s not at all bothering about me…

  • Anurupa Sanyal

    @HappyWivesClub:disqus , send me daily email, CHANGING MY THINKING to save my marriage. so that i can love my husband more each day.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So happy this is helping. In order to sign up for the emails, just enter your address in the space on the right-hand side of this page (toward the top) that says, “Email Updates & Goodies”

  • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

    100 % agree with this Fawn. And that’s why I love the book so much, it’s about setting the right tone in marriage..what you sow (choose to see) is what you reap. I know many people don’t like the idea of having blinders on but there’s no happily married couple that has not chosen to see the right things, (aka have blinders). Make a big deal out of good things, downplay the little angst, itches and irritations. So glad to see the message catching!

  • Annett Davis

    Love love, love this post! We counsel couples from time to time and one of the things we tell the “unhappy” ones is to stop focusing on what’s making them unhappy. We can seriously have 90% of our days be pretty darn good, but then if that 10% is bad or we let it affect us negatively, that little 10% can take over 100% of our thinking if we let it. Notice I say, “if we let it”. Positive thoughts in a marriage goes a LONG way. Making sure Christ was the center of our marriage was key for me. When I stopped putting my husband on a pedestal, and realized that he’s just a human and super flawed like me and that only Christ is perfect that made a difference. Doing that helped make a HUGE shift in my thinking. I became more compassionate when he made mistakes, more accepting of shortcomings, and it made me want to help and support him more. Now I realize he’s just not good at administrative stuff, and instead of being frustrated for his lack of perfection, and shortcomings in this area, I think to myself..poor guy is really trying HIS best, and it’s ok that he’s not good in this area, and I help him as much as I can. Instead of being upset, and frustrated, it’s brought us closer together because I see his humanity, and get to offer my loving support. I hate dishes, and instead of him being upset that our house isn’t perfectly clean, he knows I’m human, he doesn’t get mad at me, he thinks she needs my help, she’s busy. And, he helps me. Gosh I LOVE my man!! Simple shifts in thinking sure do make a huge difference. Instead of fighting and being unhappy over our imperfections, we offer MUCH grace and support. And, I’m 1 very happy because of it. :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Such wisdom, Annett! Thank you.

  • http://www.modernmarried.com/ Maggie Reyes

    YES! to everything you wrote. Everything changes depending on how we look at things. For sure!
    In Life Coach School we call it ‘mind management’ so much in life is just learning how to manage our minds. Making positive deposits by reading inspiring posts like this one is hugely helpful in having a library of positive thoughts we can turn to whenever we need one. Soooooo many reasons I love being part of the HWC, and this is the foundation of them all. Pouring love and positivity into the world – one relationship at a time.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      We are to fortunate to have you as such a huge part of HWC. You bring love and light everywhere you go – including here!

  • There’s Just One Mommy

    Definitely! Whenever I feel our marriage is having a slump, it seems my thoughts have gone to the little things that drive me crazy — like the clothes on the floor, and not all the big things he does every day for us.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Isn’t that the truth!

  • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

    A simple and profound truth, Fawn.

    I know it has happened numerous times as I am either nudged by my conscience to find a fresh perspective, or nudged by someone else to do so. Always, always, gratitude and grace come to the forefront to replace other negative, unproductive thoughts.

    Earl Nightingale said a long time ago that we become what we think about. If we think about being a loving spouse, our behavior changes to match that thought.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh, that’s fantastic Kim. I’d heard that quote before but never knew the author of it.

  • http://www.memeoirs.com memeoirs

    Am finding lots of inspiration from your blogs Fawn! Thanks so much and happy holidays! xx

  • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

    Last Christmas Eve, the most beloved teacher/pastor at our school suffered a devastating stroke; one week later, on New Year’s Eve, he passed away. Jon had been a father figure to all, and a close mentor to my husband. He always became teary-eyed when he talked about two topics: God’s grace and how much he loved his wife of 36 years.

    When I start getting worked up over a petty annoyance with my husband, I think about Jon’s widow, who is bravely facing so many “firsts” without the man she’s loved since she was 16. This alters the end result because I make far wiser choices when I remember treat every present moment as a precious gift.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So powerful, Cheri!