low sex drive Archives | Happy Wives Club

My heart poured out for him. I could feel his pain. Every bit of him wanted to show how much he loved his wife, in every way, at every moment.

But stress and anxiety were causing him to “fail” her in one way and unlike everything else, he couldn’t figure out how to “fix” it.

That happened a couple weeks ago. I was speaking with a happily married man- who I know loves and adores his wife- and yet stress from work and other challenges were impairing him in an area he never would have expected.

Yep. That area. Down there.

So many men, when they are young, are taught to put so much stock in “down there.” Alot of ego is wrapped up in their ability to please. So what do they do when that’s taken away?

A doctor can help. But even that can feel so invasive (and ego crushing) to some. So after getting this question from members of this club who didn’t know exactly how to handle this, I asked our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, to help shed some light on this taboo subject.

I recognize that most of you are a part of the 70-percent this is not written for so I want to acknowledge in advance that this post won’t be for everyone.

If you are one of the fortunate 70-percent, consider sharing this post with your married girlfriends because I guarantee someone around you needs this encouragement.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Does your husband often “have a headache”?

If you’re in one of the 30% of marriages where the WOMAN has the higher sex drive, it’s easy to feel like a freak. But after surveying thousands of men and women for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I can confidently say that there’s likely nothing wrong with you at all! It’s often just a normal part of marriage.

Marriage is a lifelong journey you take together, and that journey is going to have twists and turns. It’s not always going to stay the same.

We’re quite aware that women’s libidos change all the time, depending on the time of month, the age of our kids, and our hormones.

We often forget that men are the same way, though for different reasons. Men have hormonal fluctuations, too–though not to the extent that we do–but often men’s sex drives will ebb and flow with stress, problems at work, and even medical conditions.

In our marriage, my husband was always the one with the higher sex drive and I would struggle to get myself in the right frame of mind so that we could have a good time together–even if I was exhausted. But when pressure from work got to be too much, he started to head to bed without asking for anything, which left me perplexed and lonely.

A few years and a new job later, we’re back on track. But those times when our husbands’ sex drives wane can bring doubt and frustration. Based on research, as well as my personal experience, here are a few tips on what to do if your husband has a low sex drive.

Figure Out the Cause of His Lower Sex Drive

So let’s look at what could be causing his libido to head south. It could be something which is easily solved with exercise (if only exercise were easy!). Obesity and diabetes can kill libido, so going for a walk every night and taking up jogging can make you both more energetic in lots of ways!

It could also be a sign of low testosterone, which means he needs to swallow his pride and talk to the doctor. But trust me, as the wife of a physician, I can promise you: telling your doctor that you have a low sex drive will not even register in the top 10 embarrassing things that physician has heard all week.

Often, though, a guy’s lower libido is just from life. He’s stressed, he’s tired, and he’s turning inward to deal with it, rather than outward to you. So what do you do in these times when you feel distant, and worried, and even a little physically frustrated?

Keep Laughing Together

If you laugh together at least once a day, you can solve almost any problem! And laughing together helps you to feel like you’re on the same page. You build goodwill, so it’s easier to talk to your spouse about issues, too–even issues in the bedroom.

And when do you tend to laugh? When you’re doing things together! So take a walk after dinner. Start exercising. Play a card game. It doesn’t matter WHAT you do, as long as you spend time together.

Initiate!

When he’s the one with the higher sex drive, we women are often running for cover. We don’t initiate because he always does. Then, if he goes through a period of unemployment or stress at work and he’s lost the oomph to say, “come here, baby!”, your sex life can suddenly come to a screeching halt.

Maybe this just means it’s time for you to step up to the plate. Buy some sexy lingerie. Let your hands wander a bit when you’re snuggling. Tell him what you love about his body. Even if he wasn’t interested initially, he very well may reconsider!

Deal With Your Frustration

Sometimes, though, cute panties and flirting won’t cut it. He’s doubting himself. He’s tired. And he just doesn’t know if he wants to make the effort.

In that case, you could be left with a lot of pent up frustration. Don’t make that worse by feeding that frustration with chick flicks or romance novels. Channel your energy somewhere else. Psychologists call this “sublimation”, and it really is possible! Exercise a ton. Start a new hobby. Give yourself something else to think about and get excited about, so you don’t grow resentful and frustrated at your hubby.

Keep Loving Him Through It

Remember that marriage does last decades. If you go through a period of a few years of relative sexual drought, it very well may turn completely around a few years later. So do what you can now to support him and encourage him as he’s struggling, so that he knows that no matter what happens, you’re still on his team.

QUESTION: How would you encourage a couple going through this right now?

Sheila is the author of seven books, including 31 Days to Great Sex, a 31-day challenge for couples to work through that can help reignite that spark by prompting conversations, fun, and adventure! Check it out.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

Our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, continues where she left off two weeks ago when she told us about the 4 Benefits of Love Making Love – For Her! This week, she’s back and I have to admit, reading this made me blush a bit. But then I got over it and can’t wait to turn in early tonight…

It’s 11 pm. You want to start snoring. He wants to start snuggling.

You know that sex is an important part of marriage, but you just never feel that into it. It’s not unusual; we women are very complex beings. And because, for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads (as in our heads have to be in the game or our bodies won’t follow), if we’re stressed, our bodies often sit dormant.

So what to do?

Aim for FIREWORKS

You may not have much of a libido that makes you want sex, but that doesn’t mean that sex can’t feel good. And if you decide, “tonight, I want to feel GREAT”, you’re more likely to. When your brain is engaged, your body tends to follow.

Remember that making sure it feels good for you DOESN’T mean that you have to be craving sex before you start. In fact, most women don’t. According to research, for men, desire PRECEDES making love. For women, desire comes after you start making love.

But, if, when you start kissing him, you’re thinking in your head, “tonight I’m going to feel GOOD”, then you can start that process.

The problem is that making sex great for you requires that you’re more ACTIVE–that you’re telling him what you want, and that you’re actually trying to get it. That’s hard if you’re not really “in the mood”. But think of it like exercise: you don’t really want to do it, but you’re looking forward to the reward afterwards, so you put your all into it.

IMAGINE the Benefits.

Think about the benefits of making love. You’ll sleep better. It does feel good. You’ll feel closer. Keep imagining that throughout the day–how well you’ll sleep, how good you’ll feel. Don’t imagine it just to feel sexy–you may honestly not be able to do that. But do picture the rewards.

Turn In REALLY EARLY.

The combination of low libido and exhaustion is a recipe for disaster. So head to bed when the kids do, if you have to, and make love FIRST. Then curl up and watch a movie together, or get on your iPads and check Twitter, or whatever else you may normally do.

Make sex RELAXING.

Make sex into a sensual experience, not just a sexual experience. Tell him you need a massage first to help you relax. Then, as he’s touching you, pay attention to your body. Ask yourself, “what would my body like now”?

I can’t emphasize enough how important a step this is. When we start to see sex as totally a sexual thing, and we’re not sexually aroused, it can be a chore. But when the whole evening is about spending time together, and relaxing, and feeling close, we can start to desire it even if we’re not particularly in the mood. That massage, or transition time, helps prep your body, but it also preps your mind.

LUBE up. (no really, it’s okay)

Really. Astroglide works best. (And some women swear by coconut oil!). If you’re well lubricated, arousal is much easier. In fact, you’ll get more aroused if you start out lubricated than if you don’t. So if this is a real struggle for you, get some help.

When you set your mind to it–even if you don’t feel sexy–your body will often follow. And that positive attitude can often jump start a low libido!

Need more help seeing sex as a positive thing? Sheila’s ebook 31 Days to Great Sex takes you and your husband through a month of talking, flirting, exploring, and fun. Sheila blogs everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.