Our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, continues where she left off two weeks ago when she told us about the 4 Benefits of Love Making Love – For Her! This week, she’s back and I have to admit, reading this made me blush a bit. But then I got over it and can’t wait to turn in early tonight…
It’s 11 pm. You want to start snoring. He wants to start snuggling.
You know that sex is an important part of marriage, but you just never feel that into it. It’s not unusual; we women are very complex beings. And because, for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads (as in our heads have to be in the game or our bodies won’t follow), if we’re stressed, our bodies often sit dormant.
So what to do?
Aim for FIREWORKS
You may not have much of a libido that makes you want sex, but that doesn’t mean that sex can’t feel good. And if you decide, “tonight, I want to feel GREAT”, you’re more likely to. When your brain is engaged, your body tends to follow.
Remember that making sure it feels good for you DOESN’T mean that you have to be craving sex before you start. In fact, most women don’t. According to research, for men, desire PRECEDES making love. For women, desire comes after you start making love.
But, if, when you start kissing him, you’re thinking in your head, “tonight I’m going to feel GOOD”, then you can start that process.
The problem is that making sex great for you requires that you’re more ACTIVE–that you’re telling him what you want, and that you’re actually trying to get it. That’s hard if you’re not really “in the mood”. But think of it like exercise: you don’t really want to do it, but you’re looking forward to the reward afterwards, so you put your all into it.
IMAGINE the Benefits.
Think about the benefits of making love. You’ll sleep better. It does feel good. You’ll feel closer. Keep imagining that throughout the day–how well you’ll sleep, how good you’ll feel. Don’t imagine it just to feel sexy–you may honestly not be able to do that. But do picture the rewards.
Turn In REALLY EARLY.
The combination of low libido and exhaustion is a recipe for disaster. So head to bed when the kids do, if you have to, and make love FIRST. Then curl up and watch a movie together, or get on your iPads and check Twitter, or whatever else you may normally do.
Make sex RELAXING.
Make sex into a sensual experience, not just a sexual experience. Tell him you need a massage first to help you relax. Then, as he’s touching you, pay attention to your body. Ask yourself, “what would my body like now”?
I can’t emphasize enough how important a step this is. When we start to see sex as totally a sexual thing, and we’re not sexually aroused, it can be a chore. But when the whole evening is about spending time together, and relaxing, and feeling close, we can start to desire it even if we’re not particularly in the mood. That massage, or transition time, helps prep your body, but it also preps your mind.
LUBE up. (no really, it’s okay)
Really. Astroglide works best. (And some women swear by coconut oil!). If you’re well lubricated, arousal is much easier. In fact, you’ll get more aroused if you start out lubricated than if you don’t. So if this is a real struggle for you, get some help.
When you set your mind to it–even if you don’t feel sexy–your body will often follow. And that positive attitude can often jump start a low libido!
Need more help seeing sex as a positive thing? Sheila’s ebook 31 Days to Great Sex takes you and your husband through a month of talking, flirting, exploring, and fun. Sheila blogs everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
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