The #1 Way You Can Help Your Husband After a Tough Day

By Fawn Weaver on Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The #1 Way You Can Help Your Husband After a Tough Day at Work

There is no denying our hubbies often have tough days at work.  And these days, more so than ever before, their days are getting longer and more stressful.  

But we can help.

Even for those of us who work outside of the home, and have our own work-related challenges, our days tend to be less stressful.

One reason is we know if we ever lost our job (or decided to make a career change), our husbands would move heaven and earth to make sure our families remained fed, clothed with roofs over our heads.  

We are nurturers by nature.  They are protectors.  It is those varying traits that allow us to best support one another.

As a protector, one of the most wonderful things my husband does for me is keep the world at bay; he will only allow me to carry so much weight on my shoulders at one time.

As a nurturer, one of the most loving things I do for him is to make sure he feels at rest and peace in our home.

So what is the #1 way you can help your husband get over a difficult day on the job?

Shhhhh…

No, I’m not insinuating the answer to that question is a secret.  That is the answer.  

As women, most of us tend to be far more talkative than our male counterparts. It’s our nature.  But oftentimes, the most loving thing we can do when our husbands have a difficult day is say nothing and just offer our arms as a place of refuge.

I must admit, I’m still working on consistency in this area.  A couple months before Keith and I were married in 2003, we visited a friend in San Antonio.  While in the car she asked Keith a question I’ll never forget, “I just counted 6 times Fawn gave you unsolicited advice.  Does that bother you?”  Ouch.

The humility in his answer is one of the many reasons I love him to pieces, “No, I actually love it when she gives me advice.  Unsolicited or not, I value her opinion.”

While I was grateful for his support in that moment, and thankful he didn’t seem to mind this subconscious action on my part, I also recognized this could potentially cause conflict years down the road.  From that point forward, I made a concerted effort not to give him unsolicited advice.  

The beauty is, because he respects my opinion, he asks for it often. There is no person he trusts more than me and no opinion he esteems greater than mine.  But here’s the key. When I know my hubby has had a tough day, I wait for him to ask.  

After a tough day on the job, what your husband often needs most is your warm embrace and silent understanding.  You can ask him for more details about his day later, but for now, don’t be afraid of a little silence.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club
Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • Carol

    Beautiful!!!!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Carol!

  • Karen Haney

    ok, I understand everyone needs quiet once in a while.. but your saying you don’t offer your opinion unless he asks for it?? so be quiet until he “asks” you to talk?? no! sorry.. maybe watch how often you do it and how you say it, but you certainly should say what your thinking. for example: he’s fixing something and you happen to know how to fix it, do you sit there and watch him try to fix it and see that he’s having a hard time, so you just let him struggle with it when all you have to do is say hey honey I had to fix that before, if you… and he’d do it and done.. your relationship is two sided, your input and his.. Definitely watch how often and how you offer your advice, If he always has to ask for your opinion he may think your not interested in the things that are going on. The key is to know when to offer your advice and when not to. BTW that friend who asked him if your “unsolicited” advice bothered him really meant that it bothered her and she was taught not to give her opinions so she thinks others should not also. My partner welcomes my advice but I know when to give it and when to just lay low for awhile. But to stifle your voice until he asks.. No.

    • Teka

      I think the issue that you mentioned, and she didn’t was ‘My partner welcomes my advice but I know when to give it and when to just lay low for awhile.’ Some women don’t know this yet. I know of many times where my husband just needs to vent and I listen. He already knows what I’ll suggest, but he needs to let out frustration. Sometimes I can tell he’s off and so I’ll ask what’s wrong, and he won’t respond. I know that means he’s still working on it and isn’t ready to talk yet. Some women don’t have that skill yet to know when or when not to. The article above is for those women. You have that skill so this advice may seem patronizing for you.

      • Karen Haney

        this I understand, but that’s not what this article is saying. what you said in your reply needs to be in this article otherwise they are telling these women who don’t know this yet that they need to be silent, tell them they need to listen and learn when/what to say..that it is a skill they will develop over time. Those of us who have learned this (and usually the hard way lol) need to pass on this information. Indicating to anyone in a relationship, male or female, that they should be silent until asked their opinion is not promoting a healthy relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should voice your opinion always, anytime no matter what. I totally agree with you that sometimes you just need to listen. it’s a give and take situation. If the article said what was in your reply I would have agreed wholeheartedly, I guess telling any woman to be silent until asked irks me. I just hope those who read this will read our replies and understand what we have learned and only be silent when needed…

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          Actually, I think I’ll do better than that. I’ll add something similar to there is no confusion here because I most certainly do not agree with women being silent until asked. This is only in terms of when your hubby has a tough day. Hope that makes better sense?

          • Karen Haney

            Thank you Fawn, for me the story with your friend and unsolicited advice kinda threw me off of the articles subject and into the “woman be silent mode”.. which I can see now you did not mean in anyway. Thank you for being gracious enough to want to clarify this. I will look forward to reading your articles in the future.

          • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

            Thanks so much, Karen! Yeah, her comment threw me off too – LOL! Rest assured, this club is filled with very strong women. So much so that I think sometimes I might forget when I’m writing that thousands of new visitors come to the site every day that don’t know that and it’s important for me to include that in the articles (even at the risk of sounding redundant). Thank you for pointing that out. I appreciate that.

      • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

        I love your suggestion and think I’ll add an additional line for clarity. Thanks, Teka!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      HI Karen, I think you may have misunderstood this article. This is solely in reference to when your husband has had a difficult day and just needs your embrace. I imagine your husband doesn’t have a difficult day, every day, right? That’s all this is referring to. If you’ve read other articles I’ve written, you know that I am a very strong businesswoman -with tons of opinions- and my husband comes to me for advice more than anyone else (by far). He values my opinion more than anyone else (by far). But I also know when to lay low and just shhhhh….giving him a chance to process his difficult day. It’s at those moments the most encouraging thing I can do is offer my husband a listening ear and a warm embrace. Maybe ask your husband what he thinks about this article. It may open up a great conversation.

    • http://www.lilyandlight.com/ Lily&Light

      and I agree.. your friend could have taken her own unsolicited advice and left you to speak to your own husband how you pleased. that was wrong on her part.

      • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

        Agreed. That wasn’t her place and I addressed that. But what came out of that was an introspection and I realized sometimes what my man needs is not my opinion but my support. The same thing I need more often than not.

  • Shanan

    My husband is a Fireman, so a tough day on the job could also mean a scary day on the job, the best thing I can do is hug him and listen (IF he wants to tell me about it) and stay calm no matter what the story is. Sometimes it’s about someone else, a patient, or an event and sometimes it’s something scary that happened to him. I just remember to that God that he came home that day.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      YES! I imagine this means the world to him.

  • Lauren Lawson

    It is true that in a relationship there are many facets that make it work. Silence is one of them. J sometimes just needs me to listen. But we are in-tune enough to hear the need for advice or comforting words. However, his silence and waiting for me to ask for his advice or words of comfort is upsetting. I’ve expressed it just doesn’t feel right for me to ask for these things from him. But that is us. I do not try to “fix” everything he talks to me about. Is that more of what your talking about? I am reading that we sometimes need to just be listeners. Its a good practice for sure, for everyone. :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, definitely. Sometimes our greatest gift is to be a listening ear. Keep in mind this isn’t always the case that you will not give input, it’s just after these tough days; when he just needs you to embrace him.

      • Lauren Lawson

        I agree, Sometimes you just need a hug :) I love when I’m stressed (which happens more then him) that he just hugs me. It always helps me to calm down. :)

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          Ditto here! :)

  • Kali

    “Even for those of us who work outside of the home, and have our own work-related challenges, our days tend to be less stressful.” I’m not sure where you base your facts on this one! I don’t think work stress is gender specific. My job is significantly more stressful than my husband’s and to compound that stress, I’m not allowed to talk to anyone about it due to the confidential nature of my job. I’m not sure why you’d think that being female means I naturally have a less stressful job.This has not been my observation. The women around me have equally or more stressful jobs than their husbands.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for your comment, Kali. That statement is qualified by what followed. It doesn’t mean we don’t have more stressful jobs (personally, I don’t think it gets much more stressful than the job of a hotel GM – calls at midnight that someone committed suicide in the hotel, people jumping from the top floor, employees passing away, brides hanging their gowns on sprinklers in the room and flooding 6 rooms in a sold out hotel)…that was my world and now I run a real estate corp (in California during a recession). The statement that came after the one you mentioned is equally as important. Men, by nature, are protectors so there is an added stress that comes along with that role that has little to do with the actual job itself. It’s an internal thing and study after study has supported this for decades. When a man loses his job, the way he processes that is SOOO different than the way we would. We’re just wired differently and understanding that allows us to support each other in the way most needed.

  • Guest

    My husband has been going through some tough career/financial times the
    past 8-9 months or so. It’s been a rough time for our family, but we’re
    hanging in there. My husband understandably often does not want to talk
    about things and I mostly give him space and don’t ask unless he starts
    talking about it first. HOWEVER, there are also times where I can tell
    that he is really down and that he needs to vent, but won’t because he
    doesn’t want to “burden” me with what he feels like are disappointments
    in his life. So I actually have to encourage him to tell me what’s going
    on and let him vent. He usually thanks me afterward, just for
    listening, and still supporting him through all this.

    Also, I’ll
    be honest, while I really do try to give him his space as much as
    possible right now, I also don’t like it when he’ll go a week or two
    without telling me anything about what’s going on with him. It makes me
    feel like there’s a divide in the relationship. I WANT to know what’s
    going on in his life and while I fully respect his need for space, I
    also hope that he’s able to understand my desire to be part of his life,
    good or bad. So I think it’s a balance thing.

    If your husband
    is one that eventually opens up, on his own terms, and share things with
    you, then this is a great article (I do think that often, as wives, we
    often just talk too much :) ). However, if he is one to bottle up his
    emotions and won’t ever talk about them without slight prodding, then
    perhaps this article is not meant for you.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Ronni, and I’m so sorry to hear your hubby has been having a tough 8-9 months but it sounds like as a team you’re determined to pull out of this. There is an important point in this article you may have missed, at the end, that addresses your point: “After a tough day on the job, what your husband often needs most is your warm embrace and silent understanding. You can ask him for more details about his day later, but for now, don’t be afraid of a little silence.” This article isn’t saying to never talk about it. That would spell disaster. It’s just about timing and what your husband needs in the aftermath of a really challenging day. Does that make better sense?

  • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

    This is one of those “ouch” posts Fawn. :) But the the pinch would have been worse a few years back. I am a work in progress. But I’ve learned that my silence is sometimes the very thing my husband needs. Sometimes i feel that he knows exactly what am thinking, and he’s grateful am not bugging him about it :) It goes against my nature of nurturer and fixer but it’s a habit we can learn. One of the things that helps me “shhh” on the outside is to “let it out” on the inside with God. That helps :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I hear you, Ngina! The good news is it gets MUCH MUCH easier with time. I’ve been reading your blog posts long enough to know your husband respects you immensely and wants to know your thoughts. But sometimes our greatest gift to them – just at that moment of difficulty – is to just be there. A song I love by the Dixie Chicks, Easy Silence, is has the perfect lyrics for this: “It’s the easy silence that you make for me; It’s okay when there’s nothing more to say to me; And the peaceful quiet you create for me; And the way you keep the world at bay for me.” Love those lyrics because one of my greatest heart’s desire is to keep the world at bay for my hubby and offering that silence, at times, is exactly what allows me to do that. :)

      • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

        it’s true Fawn, it does get easier! I am so glad am not where i used to be :)

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          High five on that one! Ditto here. <3

  • getrealplz

    (his comment is not specifically in response to this article but a generalized response formed after reading many such things… )Oh, fudgesicles, thank God my husband isn’t Christian. These articles tell Christian women to be quiet, make yourself nice all the time, follow him regardless of the path he’s taking, etc. You know women are human as well, right? At the end of the day I have worked just as hard as my husband, sometimes even more so. I stay at home, yes, but it is work raising kids, caring for the house, growing & making our food, homeschooling the kids, home repairs, etc. He thankfully has never been introduced to the Biblical idea of women (or how it seems to be portrayed in these articles). No way in hell am I doing hair/make up getting sexy, etc every day when I am exhausted. I don’t even do that during the day. I am attractive EXACTLY how God made me, I do not need to alter or adorn myself with extras. Guess what, he (as well as many other men) finds that very refreshing & attractive in itself. Nor will I remain silent when he’s had a bad day. I do not get much adult conversation during the week, save for him. Talking to him keeps him from brooding on what went wrong that day or we talk through a problem. Probably wouldn’t happen if I kept my mouth shut though. I do know when & how to be quiet. He knew who he was marrying. Women are human beings, we need quiet time ourselves, we have every right to do anything a man can do, we were created to complement/help man, not be mindless slaves. We are different, but EQUAL. This stuff is so full of crud that it’s actually pushing me away from my faith. Oh, and what kind of “friend” TRIES to create conflict & strife in a relationship? Seriously. “I just counted 6 times Fawn gave you unsolicited advice. Does that bother you?” That person sat there & listened for anything they could use, tallied it, and then posed a question like that to your then fiancée? That is disrespectful towards both of you & very ugly. That would have been the very last time we ever saw that “friend” again.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for clarifying that this comment is not related to this article because it represents something completely contrary to what is actually written here. There is no doubt articles like the one you indicate exist but that certainly is not the case with this one. For one, this is not a Christian website written for Christian women. We are a group of women who love our hubbies from all walks of life. And we are a group of very strong women; not docile or doormats in any way, shape or form. But quick question for you. Since this comment clearly isn’t for this site, why did you post it here and not on one of the other sites that caused you to become so upset?

  • http://www.lilyandlight.com/ Lily&Light

    no.. no no no. i’m a Christian woman who prides herself in being home, cooking, taking care of things form my husband who works 50+ hours/week and our son, but no.. this is not good for any woman to hear. I’m sorry, i know you may be referring to several scriptures about women being like leaky faucets or bringing their homes down with their complaining, but this is not a good avenue to go down.

    i am a talker, by God’s grace, and I married a man who knows that about me. it is not my shame for starting a conversation anymore than it is my shame for wearing an item of clothing that may “lure a man to lust..” When did men become so helpless? When did it become our job to determine what men can and cannot handle? So our 3 year old must be quiet because his father had a tough day?

    No, I will not raise my child and future children to think that they are wrong to speak to their father out of turn.

    God created us to bear one another’s burdens. God created us to submit to one another. We are meant to disturb our own comfort in order to best serve God… Because we serve Him before our husbands. Though He makes claims for women to run their home in peace, He does not say that we are meant to silence our hearts in order to succeed at this.

    God bless your desire to serve your husband but no, I cannot agree with this… and I disagree because I’m a Christian woman!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      This is the second comment in a row that references Christianity and seems to be addressing an issue not actually contained in the article. Similar to the last comment, yours strikes me as a referendum on what is taught in some churches but not on this site. I have been a businesswoman for the past 18 years (see my comment to Kali below), work 60+ hours per week, and am a VERY strong woman (no doormat here: http://www.happywivesclub.com/fawn-weaver/) But I also know that strength doesn’t need to be shown in making my voice heard ALL the time – especially, after my husband has had a really tough day and just needs my arms to embrace him. Sometimes there is a greater strength (and wisdom) found in waiting to voice your opinion; a solace of sorts for the person you love. And notice I said “waiting”…not abandoning. This article suggests the former…but for some reason, it seems you concluded the latter. That is most certainly not what this article (site or club for that matter) promotes.

      • http://www.lilyandlight.com/ Lily&Light

        Woah–slightly embarrassed that I didn’t confirm whether this was a Christian site. I was told by a few friends to read this, and by one, that it was a Christian author. So this is me, blushing as I start over.

        While I’m embarrassed, I confidently stand by my original opinion. Though you do say wait, and not abandon, I still feel it’s detrimental to many women for them to be told they can perpetuate stress or burden by speaking too early. I see resentment as a result.

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          No blushing required :) . The founder of this club (me :) ) is a Christian but not all the writers (and certainly not all the members) are and I intentionally brought together a group that would put a spotlight on the positive side of marriage as a whole (not just from a particular belief system). That being said, I totally hear what you’re saying and agree with the overarching theme. The only place I disagree (slightly) is the art of timing. There is only one point in this article and it’s referencing a particular event. When your husband has a really tough day on the job…let your response be about him. There’s nothing docile, subservient or weak about that. Lord knows I’m not even close to being any of those things (ask anyone who has ever been on the other side of me at the negotiating table :) )! It’s something each one of us needs. Only men seem to need it more after a rough day because of how they’re wired (think Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). But don’t take my word for it, ask your hubs and see what he thinks because in the end, that’s all that matters.

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

    It’s been interesting to me the number of comments on this blog post that don’t actually reflect the message of the article. I wonder if some are scanning the first portion and the scrolling down to comment without reading the entire thing. I should write more posts like this just for the interesting dialogue :) ). Happy Thursday all and much love! <3

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Fawn i just clicked through to respond to your comment (to mine)..and just read these other comments. I think sometimes we just see what we want to see :) . I thought you were very specific on the article..how to love hubs BEST at the end of a tiring day (for him). Nothing general about that. Yet i do see how someone can take the article and make sweeping generalized conclusions. again we often see what we want to see :)
      yes to more posts like these! :)

      • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

        It was SO funny last night because I told Keith about the responses and he starts to laugh, “Oh, man, I need to be the one to respond and say, ‘Do you have the wrong woman!’” He loves my strength; it’s a part of what made him fall in love with me. He loves my drive, he loves that I say what’s on my mind. But he also loves that I understand that sometimes the greatest gift I can give to him is just my love, affection, admiration, adoration – and there’s nothing weak about that! Thanks, Ngina. Appreciate you!

  • Avelina Tan Timbol

    Just to let all over the world that I am mor. More. More. Madly in love with my beloved hubby! Everyday it is my love for hi. Is becoming stronger and stronger, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for giving me the chance to shout all over the world that I am the luckiest woman in the world alive being his life partner! Thank you again fawn for this chance! I like very. Uch your club, i,learned many things on it!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Awesome! Thanks for the encouragement, Avelina :) .

  • HappyHousewife

    As a reaction to this comment:

    “No, I will not raise my child and future children to think that they are wrong to speak to their father out of turn.

    God created us to bear one another’s burdens. God created us to
    submit to one another. We are meant to disturb our own comfort in order
    to best serve God…”

    1. Every person should learn to wait their turn to speak. This takes time (toddlers need time), but it’s common courtesy.

    2. Bearing one anothers burdens, disturbing our own comfort in order to best serve God – these can be done BY BEING SILENT. It’s not comfortable to be silent, when you feel like babbling.

    There seems to be a tendency amongst American women especially to see holding their tongues as something for oppressed women. This is nonsense.

    I very much agree with this article, because sometimes, what your husband needs is peace and quiet. Everyone needs quiet time sometimes, women need to respect this need in their men as well as vice versa. Anything you have to say can wait until tomorrow. It’s best to put the comfort of the other person first whenever you can, so that they can gather the strength to do the same for you, when you’re the one in need.

    Being selfless is not a bad thing. You cannot just expect your husband to ALWAYS have the energy, to ALWAYS be able to handle conversation. That WOULD be abusive. Preferring your partner to be silent sometimes is not.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Sometimes, for a reason I don’t quite understand, some see selflessness and servitude as one in the same. You are right, selflessness is not a bad thing at all.

      • HappyHousewife

        You said what took me AAAAAALL those lines to try to convey, and you only needed one sentence: “some see selflessness and servitude as the same”. Exactly!

        Wish I had your way with words.

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          LOL! You’re so sweet. Appreciate you taking the time to not only stop by but give your detailed thoughts.

  • bluebetty

    The #1 way to help a husband after a hard day is with sex. Initiated by the wife. Put a movie on for the kids, lock the bedroom door, let him vent, be sympathetic and take care of his needs. He’ll think you’re the best wife ever.