3 Things That Could Be Hurting Your Marriage (And What to Do About Them)

By Fawn Weaver on Wednesday, July 2, 2014

*Welcome to week eight of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club. Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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hurting your marriage

“Happily married people know that keeping score is what unhappily married people do.”  –Alisa Bowman 

“Oh, I never keep score,” I would have proudly proclaimed had you asked me a few years back.  

For the most part, that was absolutely true.  But as I examined my heart a few years ago, I realized, there are actually three ways of keeping score and I was guilty of at least one. 

The first way of keeping score is to keep track of what your spouse does wrong; focusing on the error of their ways. 

The second way of keeping score is to keep track of everything you do right; subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) expecting a reciprocation of sorts. 

That is the one I did most often and didn’t realize it until we were years into our marriage.  I wasn’t keeping track of when Keith did something wrong but I was keeping track of every time I did something right.

When I’d take out the trash instead of waiting for Keith to do it – count that as one point for me.  When I cleaned up the house or did laundry, especially when my work days were as jam packed as his, I’d look for a pat on the back.  

“Gold star for Fawn!” was the big joke in the house every time I did something for him or us outside of my normal routine.  It took me a few years, but I finally realized keeping a scoreless marriage wasn’t just about not keeping “score” of what Keith did wrong, but also of what I did right.

The third way of keeping score, and quite possibly the one that trips most women up, is a tendency to keep score against other marriages.  John bought Sally a new car for her birthday, always mows the lawn, cooks and helps in the kitchen.  Score one for the Johnsons!  David always opens the car door for Anne, puts his arm around her whenever they’re sitting down, and strokes her hand whenever he has a chance.  Score one for the Bates!  Look at the amazing vacation Adam and Tracy took.  Those pictures on Facebook are stunning.  Score one for the Andersons!

Whether we realize it or not, if we aren’t careful, this third way of keeping score can creep into any marriage.  Earlier in this series, I wrote a post on the danger of comparisons, and the responses were quite telling.  It was clearly one of the most common ways of keeping score.

All three of these ways of keeping score creates winners and losers and any one of them could be hurting your marriage.

So this week’s tip to creating a happier marriage is rather simple: strive daily to never keep score.  Rather than keeping score when your spouse does something wrong, apply grace.  Instead of keeping score when you do something right, remind yourself that giving is a blessing in itself, and when done unselfishly, has the same reaction as a boomerang – coming right back around to you. 

And the next time you think about keeping score against another marriage, remind yourself that every day, you have the ability to create the marriage of your dreams.  And your dream marriage should not replicate any other.  That would be quite boring –and unoriginal- don’t you think?

YOUR TURN: Have you ever kept score in your marriage?  What did you do to change that pattern?

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Happy Wives Club Book

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

    GREAT POST FAWN!! i love the last sentence of the post
    (you have the ability to create the marriage of your dreams. And your dream marriage should not replicate any other. That would be quite boring –and unoriginal- don’t you think?)
    i absolutely agree with you.
    Thank Fawn
    God bless.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Osas! Have a fabulous weekend!

  • Princess K

    Thanks Fawn.Just at the right time when comparison is killing me.”No more comparison,be original princess”.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes yes! Originality is so beautiful.

  • Rea

    Oh gosh I did! Several times, and guilty. I’m usually keeping score on how much I’ve earned while my husband sometimes earned less than I did. It was a bad thing to do. Ugh. And I just blurted it out right there. I’m really hoping to get that kind of thinking out of my mind and heart; it’s poisonous!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      It’s poisonous but the beauty is you’ve now identified it making it easier to give those thoughts the boot! Thanks for being so transparent, Rea!

  • Stacey Smith

    I’m so glad I joined yesterday and read this post. My husband and I just had a conversation about who does what around the house. I would’ve never thought it was considered as “keeping score” Now that I know I’ll definitely will put a stop to this game because it’s purpose if for someone to lose. That’s totally opposite to who and what we are made to do ….Win!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes! You were most certainly made to win – together. So glad you joined too, Stacey!

  • http://how-to-save-marriage.org Lisa Penn-James

    Great post and very true. I think that my “secret” method to get what I need from my husband is instead of keeping a score of my kind acts – To keep a score on HIS.
    We all know that when we praise a person for doing something good, he will unknowingly want to do it again.
    So make a “mind-list” of the great things your husband does and praise him every time he does them. You’ll be surprised to see he will happily do them again, without you asking for it at all.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      OOOOH that is SOOOO good, Lisa! That’s really another way of keeping score I’d not considered but it’s fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing.

  • lucy559

    I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not myself again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr Ekaka. I email ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Ekaka for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too…

  • Cynthia

    I’ve recently joined and really needed to read this today. The second way of keeping score is something that I’m really struggling with lately. As a couple we are working toward some serious weight loss goals and improving our overall health by modifying our daily eating habits and activity levels. Consistency in these things is proving far more difficult for my husband than for myself and I often find myself comparing our progress – as if we were competing – instead of viewing us as partners in this journey.
    Thanks for helping me to see how unhelpful my mindset has been – to both of us. I think its time I started focusing on being more supportive and celebrating all of our positive accomplishments.
    Thanks again!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I can SO relate to your experience, Cynthia! I’ve done that many times with Keith for the exact same reason. And then I remind myself that cheering him on will hurt far more than comparing or competing. It didn’t come natural to me but I’ve greatly benefited from making it a learned trait. So happy you stumbled across this article today. Improving overall health is important. But a healthy and happy marriage is far more important and will last so much longer. <3

  • Mariska L.

    I read this article a few months ago but by re-reading it again right now, it just hit that spot. My hubby and I just argued then out of the blue he said that I changed coz it seems Im keeping track of all his mistakes. I was shocked because apparently I’m doing this unconsciously! tsk tsk.. guess I have to work this one out.

  • Daniella Pal

    My husband is back!!! I had a problem with my husband 8 months ago,which lead to us apart. When he broke up with me,I was no longer myself,I felt so empty inside .Until a friend of mine told me about one of her spells that helped her in same problem too that she found on a television program. i emailed the spell caster and I told him my problem and I did what he asked me. To cut the story short,Before I knew what was happening,not up to 48 hours,my husband gave me a call and he come back to me and told me he was sorry about what has happened, I’m so grateful to this spell caster and i will not stop publishing his name on the internet just for the good work he has done for me.If you need his help,you can email him at (onimalovespell@gmail.com)or tel +2347051705853 and he will also help you.