3-Day Challenge: The Perks of Becoming a Complaint-Free Wife

By Cheri Gregory on Monday, March 3, 2014

The Perks of Becoming a Complaint-Free Wife

Have you ever sat around listening to a wife complain about all the things wrong in her life and marriage and thought, “You have a great husband?  You have a life others would die for?”

Sometimes, as Cheri Gregory beautiful articulates in this post, complaining can be on auto-pilot.  It was a part of our lives prior to marriage and it just came right on in like an invited guest the moment we said I do.

Complaining is not problem-solving and true problem-solving rarely involves complaining.

Even the happiest among us can fall into the trap of complaining and what we are generally doing in that moment is keeping us from finding the solution our heart desires.

Give this complaint-free challenge a try for 3 days and then come back and let us know how it impacted your life and marriage.  Can’t wait to hear all about it!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Every January for the last seven years, I’ve taken the Complaint-Free Challenge: one whole month without complaining. 

Of course, this has not meant ignoring legitimate problems. Will Bowen, author of A Complaint-Free World, makes a clear distinction between complaining and problem-solving. Complaining is making energetic statements focused on the problem at hand rather than the resolution, while problem-solving is speaking directly and only to the person who can resolve the issue.

Complaint-Free: Who Me?

The first time I tried the Complaint-Free Challenge, I discovered how rarely I used true problem-solving techniques. My mouth seemed set on negative auto-pilot. I griped endlessly out of habit rather than choosing my words with care.

To become more aware of my complaining tendencies, I started each day with a purple “Complaint-Free World” bracelet on my left wrist. Each time I caught myself complaining, I changed the band to my other wrist.

I soon became conscious of one specific complaining habit involving my husband.

Every time Daniel came into my home office, I’d stop working and start complaining. This habit was so automatic that the moment I’d hear him walking downstairs, I’d feel irritated and find something wrong to report the moment he walked in.

This is ridiculous! I thought. What’s going on here? Why do I drop what I’m doing and fabricate a complaint whenever Daniel appears?

Finally, after some soul-searching and a good laugh at my own expense, I realized what I was doing:



I was trying to reconnect with my husband. 

We’d been apart for a while, and I was trying to re-engage with him. Of course, the method I was using was counterproductive; my complaints often resulted in disagreements or Daniel retreating in haste.

Once I recognized my true desire, I tried a new approach. I replaced all my complaints with one simple word:

“Hi!”

It worked like a charm.

3 Reasons I Aim to be Complaint-Free Wife

1.  I am more pleasant to be with. Daniel stops by to see me far more frequently, and with far less trepidation!

2. I am happier. I’ve found that what I hear, I take to heart. And since I hear myself 24/7, complaining words and thoughts cause a cacophony of “baditude” in my heart. Less complaining has created space for peace, quiet, and contentment.

3. I’m more grateful.  I used to think that I’d get around to gratitude when I didn’t have so much to complain about. When I intentionally quit complaining, I suddenly had time to notice and point out all the good. The more appreciation I expressed, the more I noticed things for which I was grateful. As gratitude became my new default, complaining naturally died off. 

I recognize that going complaint-free isn’t for everyone. But I’ll tell you from experience that each time I take the Complaint-Free Challenge, I become more the happy woman–and happy wife–I most want to be.

A Couple of Complaint-Free Resources:

Ready to try the Complaint-Free Challenge? 31 days is a long commitment…how about starting with just 3! What could you learn about your complaining habits with your husband by choosing to be complaint-free for the next 3?  (Come back on in 3 days and let us know what you discovered!)

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

Cheri Gregory is a Certified Personality Trainer; contributor/co-author of a dozen books, including Wired That Way and 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids (with Kathi Lipp); and frequent speaker for MOPS groups, women's retreats, parent workshops, and educational seminars. She holds an M.A. in Leadership and is working on her PhD. Cheri has been "wife of my youth" to Daniel, a pastor, for over a quarter-of-a-century; they have two college-aged kids. She blogs about expectations, “baditude”, and hope at CheriGregory.com/blog.

 

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  • Chrissy

    Awesome article and personal challenge for me! Definitely will consider taking up a “complaint-free” month of March to bless my beau that God has so graciously brought into my life! Can’t wait to see what happens! :) Sent here by Cheri Gregory! <3

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Hey Chrissy — I look forward to hearing how it goes and especially what you learn along the way!

  • Kendra Burrows

    Cheri, you did it again! I tried the complaint-free challenge last year and decided I needed to try it again for Lent, but I’ve started wavering in my resolve. Yep. It’s time to do it!! Because complaining is so auto-pilot for me (“it’s not complaining, it’s my snarky-fun personality!”) I found that I literally had to come up with some thankful thing as each complaining thought came to mind. Hard work, but so worth it! Thank you, Miss Cheri.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Kendra — Well, then just consider me your Complaint Free Buddy for Lent! I’m still wavering on sarcasm… ;-)

  • LindseyBell

    I think I definitely need to join this challenge! Thanks so much, Cheri. No complaining for 3 days. And go! I’m over here because of your blog post. Hoping to win a copy of the book too!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Lindsey — Looking forward to hearing how it goes!

  • Beverly Baughman Cravath

    Boy, did I need this today. If my head doesn’t explode, I’ll report back in 3 days!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Beverly — Come on back any time between now and then, and we’ll cheer you on!!!

  • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

    Cheri, this is fabulously simple and practical. Not easy, certainly, but so well worth the effort. I think it is always such a shock to discover the extent of our bad behavior because it is on auto-pilot.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Heya Kim — You’re such an inspiration to me…I LOVED your posts in February, especially “One Simple Idea” which gives the REAL solution to complaining! http://www.happywivesclub.com/one-simple-idea-that-makes-every-marriage-better/

      • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

        Awww, thanks! There are so many different ways to approach the same issues that trouble our marriages.

  • amie mckay

    Cheri sent me over! I am ready to take on this challenge starting NOW!

  • mary

    This challenge is like a gift I am giving the people around me. I Will try this but for me its not going to be easy, but I suppose if it was easy it wouldn’t be a challenge. I Will try my hardest.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Mary — “a gift I am giving the people around me” — what a great way to think of it! Looking forward to hearing if you find any gift for yourself in trying it. :-)

  • sarah

    I can’t tell you how this has come at such a great time for me. My husband has just bern made redundant and we have a daughter with serious health issues which is stressing me out, understandably! I can’t wait to start this tomorrow to make what could be an awful time for us, into a much better time. Will let you kniw how it goes!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Sarah — Come on back for support any time you need someone to cheer you on! You are making one brave choice by trying this…and that’s really “all” you need to do: make one brave choice at a time. (I say this knowing full well that sometimes the next brave choice feels like the hardest thing you could possibly do…but also knowing that I’ve never regretting making the better, albeit harder choice.)

  • Tammy Debolt Farson

    I shared the giveaway on FB.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Awesome! Thanks, Tammy.

  • Tammy Debolt Farson

    I think this is a good challenge! I might try three days to start!! :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Bite sized chews is good, Tammy :) .

  • Tammy Debolt Farson

    Cheri Gregory sent me! :) Good Challenge!!

  • Catherine Brown

    cheri sent me.this is the hardest challenge ever.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You can do it, Catherine!

  • http://failingperfect.com Michelle Knopp

    Wow. I stumbled across your site on accident, but this was exactly what I needed to read at the moment. My husband has been having a really tough time at work lately, and I just realized I’ve been adding fuel to the fire by complaining about his work environment with him. Home should be a place for him to relax, not to hear me complain about the things he has been dealing with all day long. THANK YOU!
    This certainly won’t be easy, but I’m up for the challenge!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Michelle — Kudos to you for this realization! I used to do the exact same thing, unaware that I was making things worse for him, not better. (I prefer to “talk though” a problem…Daniel prefers peace and quiet. :-) I look forward to hearing what you learn as you take the challenge!

  • Val

    quite excited about this challenge. Telling truth we are about to divorce so its kind of funny to see myself in the happy wives’s club :-) but overall I am sure this challenge will bring great benefits. I am ready!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That’s wild. Any chance you guys might work together to pull through this difficult time instead of going your separate ways?

  • Shubhra Singh

    Hi, I really like this club… I will actually try to do this. But i feel sometimes we do need to convey if something is wrong too. Thanks for the lovely topic…

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Absolutely! You always want to be honest with your spouse and let him know when something is wrong. The key to this challenge is doing so in a way that actually solves the problem rather than exacerbates it. Does that make sense?

      • Krystle

        Do you have any tips for doing that? I want to be able to tell my husband when something is bothering me, but I always doing it in a complaining or fight-picking way. I’ve gotten to the point where I recognize the problem and want to change it, but don’t know how.

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          Hi Krystie, My suggestion is always to stay in the original emotion. Meaning, not to allow more aggressive emotions like anger creep in but to stick with the original/vulnerable emotions like fear, disappointment, hurt, and to speak from that vantage point. And finding a time when you can address it and it will be received. Sometimes it’s not what you say but when you say it. Do you have a time of daily connection where you have coffee together or just sit on the couch and enjoy a time of relaxation together. If not, maybe try to begin doing that regularly. On most occasions you won’t spend that time addressing problems because it’s meant to be a laid back time together each day (maybe just 15 minutes over tea or coffee in the morning). But when you feel as though he’s open to it, and you can address it from a state of vulnerability, that’s the time. You’re going to be together forever so don’t let it fester. But you also don’t have to rush it because time is on your side.

  • Channtel

    This is exactly what I need at this point in my life. I have certainly picked up the complaining virus and would like to cure it. Starting today I will work to control the urge to complain. Please pray for me. Thank you.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Channtel — “complaining virus” is a great way to describe it…and it can sure be infectious! Praying for you, friend!

  • Chineye Teems

    I’m going to present this challenge to my new women’s group in 2 weeks! I think this is a great challenge! Life gets in the way and we don’t even realize when we are complaining and like you mentioned it spills over into our marriages. We even complain to one another about our husbands and then we go home angry. So I’m looking forward to this.

  • Chineye Teems

    I’m going to present this challenge to my new women’s group in 2 weeks! I think this is a great challenge! Life gets in the way and we don’t even realize when we are complaining and like you mentioned it spills over into our marriages. We even complain to one another about our husbands and then we go home angry. So I’m looking forward to this.

  • Jennifer

    I am going to give this a try. I have a hard time not complaining and I never realized how bad I am about it. I have to say that I love your site, I follow you on facebook and pinterest and you have some of the best most inspirational things to help bring me closer to God which will in turn help strengthen my marriage to the most wonderful husband in the whole wide world. :)

  • Natasha

    Just ran into your site and I’m excited to give the complain free challenge a try! Thanks for the great idea and challenge. Natasha at gigglegiggletootroar.com

  • Dayna Jackson

    So I made it 17 days, now this morning I realized that I fell into that nasty trap again! Well, making amends to those I harmed with my negative/complaining and getting back on my freedom pony and ride again!