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What is the Proper Role of a 21st Century Wife?

Differences…that’s what makes us all so beautiful.

“My dream is to be a stay-at-home mom and wife.”

Those were the words uttered to my loving husband more than ten years ago.

His response?

First, laughter (and I mean the gut-wrenching belly laugh type).  Then, a look of utter confusion.

“Honey, I’m not trying to be funny but you’re not built to be a stay-at-home mom.  Every day, I’d come home from work and the kids would run up to me, ‘Daddy, please save us from mommy!  She’s trying to turn us into another one of her projects!’”

The pure horror expressed on his face while pretending to do what he envisioned our children would do instantly flipped a light switch on in my head.

He was right.  OH SO very right.  I would likely drive our children insane as a stay-at-home mom.  

I know this, in part, because early into our marriage my one attempt at being a stay-at-home wife quickly went down in flames.

It happened in 2004, shortly after an abrupt resignation as the business manager of an award-winning restaurant.

Following my decision to give back my minority ownership stake, Keith thought it would be a good idea if I took off a few months before returning to work.

That sabbatical was short lived.  (Keith jokes it was so quick it’s like it never happened.)  Within weeks, I was consulting on various projects and working to free a death row inmate in Texas I’d stumbled across online. (long story…)

Before the end of the month, I’d hired private investigators, consulted defense attorney Tom Mesereau (who happened to be thick in the middle of a trial defending Michael Jackson), began giving the defense attorney instructions, and in less than 12 months that young man was off death row.

Within the first week of my so-called sabbatical, I realized being a stay-at-home anything is simply not the way I’m wired.  At least not then (and even now, a decade later).  Somewhere along the road of life, I’d bought into the notion that I’d be a better wife and mom if I remained at home.  My husband freed me from that thinking and encouraged me to embrace the woman God created me to be.

My friend, Courtney Joseph, author of Women Living Well, absolutely LOVES being a homeschooling stay-at-home mom and wife with sole responsibility of domestic duties.  It’s been her desire since she was a little girl and she’s now living out that dream.  The first time I met Courtney, I found it incredibly refreshing to see the pure joy in her eyes when she talked about being a stay-at-home mom and wife.  

The same excitement I feel when teaming up with my husband to flesh out a business idea or start a new company is what Courtney feels when she’s cooking, cleaning and serving her family full-time.

Courtney is the perfect example of the proper role of a 21st century wife.

And so am I.

What’s beautiful about being a women in the 21st century is the power of choice.  Courtney can choose to be a stay-at-home mom and I can choose to be in the corporate workforce.

Courtney loves her life and is the perfect wife for her husband, Keith.

I love my life and am the perfect wife for my husband, Keith.

(Yes, we really do have husbands with the same name who both love, honor, adore and respect us.)

Radical feminist have long tried to define the role of wife.  So have conservatives, liberals and the media.  When I released my book, Happy Wives Club earlier this year, media across the pond pounced on it and said I was returning women to the 1950s. (Clearly, the press in the UK had not actually read the book.)  

So what is the proper role of a 21st century wife?  Whatever you want it to be.  Whatever brings the most joy to you and your spouse.  

You are beautiful.  You are wonderful.  You are unique.  So don’t make your role as wife look like a cookie cutter image of anyone else.  Don’t allow anyone outside of your home to define the roles within it.  

Free yourself from the judgement of others.  Follow your passions.  Don’t be afraid to dote over your spouse or to give everything to your marriage.  There are only two people in this world who should define the proper role of husband and wife in your household: You and your husband.

QUESTION: How do you define your role as wife?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Embracing the Gift of Possibility in Marriage

I am fortunate.  I grew up believing anything was possible.  

My father was raised picking cotton in Houston, Texas.  Within 20 years, he became known as one of the greatest Motown producers in its history.

My grandmother was a blue-eyed, blond haired beauty in Germany during Hitler’s horrid reign.  She fell in love with my grandfather, an African-American serviceman fighting in WWII.

They had a child together, my uncle.  In the 1960s, it was so odd for an African-American man and a German woman to have a child together that the local circus in Germany inquired about acquiring my uncle to be displayed (not kidding).

Yet, they made it work and later moved to the United States as husband and wife.

I’ve always believed in impossible dreams.  I’ve never known otherwise.  However, for many of my friends and relatives, it is a harder concept to embrace.  

That’s why I love this post by HWC contributor, Kim Hall.  She gives a tangible step-by-step for taking a marriage from possibility-impaired to embracing the gift of possibility.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

_____________

What you experience in life shapes your beliefs.

These beliefs then shape your experiences. 

This endless loop of cause and effect can be positive, or it can leave you boxed in with beliefs like these:

Nobody can live debt-free.

Only college graduates are successful.

Being happily married is a fairy tale.

When you embrace these statements—and hear them echoed by culture as the absolute truth—you can become blind to seeing the joy in the everyday of your marriage.

Have you considered you might be possibility impaired in your marriage?

Possibility Impaired is a phrase I learned from real estate author Gary Eldred:

Who are the possibility impaired? This type of owner confuses his diamond in the rough with a lump of coal. These owners don’t see the potential that their property offers.

With a simple rephrasing, Eldred’s information offers terrific marital insight:

Who are the possibility impaired couples?  This type of spouse confuses her diamond in the rough with a lump of coal.  These husbands and wives don’t see the potential that their marriage offers.

If you have spent any time here at Happy Wives Club, you’ve read about the joy and satisfaction that is possible in marriage.

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns, obviously.

There is enormous effort, patience, lots of love and forgiveness involved.

There are the things you say that are just as important as the things you don’t.

There are the multitude of little things that add up to a marriage that lasts.

So how can you move from being possibility impaired to being open to the gift of possibility in marriage?

Begin by asking yourself these questions today:

What does being happily married look like for me?  You need a vision to work towards.

What has to happen for me to be happily married?  Your responses will help you plan for action.

What is one small thing I can do today to move towards a happier marriage? Start small and work forward.

The truth is this: If you are willing to entertain the possibility of being happily married, you will open the door to much greater joy in your own relationship. 

Questions:  Have you been possibility impaired in your relationships? What advice would you give to help someone see the possibilities of a happy marriage?

May you find happiness wherever you are!

Kim, your personal Sherpa of Joy at Too Darn Happy

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The Definition of a Happy Marriage

On numerous occasions over the past couple months, I’ve been asked three interesting questions:

What is a happy wife?  

What does a happy wife look like?  

What is a happy marriage?

I’ve always found it difficult to answer those questions because, in my mind, there could be no universal answer where complete subjectivity is required.

Then I stumbled across a post on ModernMarried.com (its creator, Maggie Reyes, is one of my absolute favorite marriage bloggers) entitled The Definition of Modern Marriage.

For a reason I’m not quite sure, while reading her post, every place where she wrote the phrase “modern marriage,” I changed it in my head to “happy marriage.”  

For the first time, I soon realized, I was reading the answer to those three subjective questions in a universal way.

Ladies (and some gentlemen), I introduce you to the beautifully simplistic words of my wonderful friend, Maggie Reyes.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

__________

Let’s start with a scandalous declaration shall we?  The definition of a happy marriage is…there is none.

There isn’t one way to fold sheets, or climb mountains, or be a wife.  There is only your way.  And my way, and his way and her way.  There is no wrong way either.

What’s absolutely perfect for me – blogging, making travel plans with the hubs, having an alarm that says “kiss your wife” on his phone that makes us laugh every night – has nothing to do with what is perfect for you.

And that’s okay.

We cause ourselves so much pain by thinking and believing that we have to live up to our (divorced) Auntie’s idea of marriage or my great grandmother’s ideal relationship.

We really don’t.

What we need to do is find what happiness and integrity means to us.  And then do that.

Define what love means to us.  And then be that.

Brenè Brown says vulnerability is your greatest strength.

I say marriage makes you vulnerable and strong. It brings out the best and worst in you and then it changes you in ways you could have never expected.  For the better.

I tell everyone I know we need to re-define marriage.  Together as a society.  Individually as couples. Every day.

Nate Bagley with Loveumentary.com asked me recently if I could only give one piece of advice and never write another article ever again, what would I say. 

My answer?

Question your assumptions. 

Leave yourself open to interpretation.  Let life surprise you.  Question your assumptions.  So you can learn.  And teach.  So your mind can be broken open and your heart can overflow with awe.

Question your assumptions about what your husband should or should not do or what your marriage should or should not be.

Listen with love.

Question your idea of who you should be.  What is a wife?

It’s whoever you say you are.  It is your husband’s closest friend and confidant.  It is who you need to be for him, God and yourself.

Savor the freedom of knowing that if you didn’t like the wife you were yesterday, you can start again today.

And tomorrow.

And the next day.

You can make your marriage sacred.  And soulful.  And funny.  And kind.

You can choose every day to look for the love.  And find it.

Marriage is a choice we make every day.

Choose to make it your own.

Whatever that means.

And declare it wonderful.

Or at the very least – custom-made.  Just for you.  Everyday.

Like a Love-Latte. 

The definition of a happy marriage is, there is none.

What is your definition of a happy marriage?  Please share in the comments.

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THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.

Top 10 Facebook Best Practices (How My Fan Page Grew to 700,000)

NOTE TO FACEBOOK REPS: If you happen to stumble across this post, which I’m sure you will, please don’t ding my Facebook page for sharing a “how-to” on building and engaging on your site.  Your algorithm is brilliant and I promise not to pretend to know it (especially, because you’re likely tweaking it as we speak).

For most of you who aren’t familiar with my Facebook page, it is aptly titled Happy Wives Club, and has officially crossed the 700,000 mark.

For those who visit this site often, you know I exclusively write posts related to shining a positive spotlight on marriage around the world.  

Never have I ventured into writing about things like social media or building a Platform and after this post, I will happily return to writing articles on my passion: Inspiring marriages to go from good to great and from great to extraordinary.

But after studying Facebook for more than 2,000 hours over the past several years, and being asked by more bloggers and authors than I can remember to share my tips on building and engaging a Facebook community, I decided it was time to write this post for them.

A couple weeks ago, I was speaking at the SITS Girls Bloggy Boot Camp in San Diego, and a professional blogger came up to me afterward pretty excited.

She said she’d heard me give tips on building a Facebook page at the same conference in Dallas months before and her page went from less than 30,000 likes to 117,000 in less than 3 months.  

She applied the principles I mentioned in my talk and wanted to thank me.  When she first approached me to share this news, I had to think about when I’d spoken about Facebook because I couldn’t recall giving a talk on that subject.  Then I remembered someone else at the conference was speaking on the topic and saw me in the room and said, “Fawn Weaver with Happy Wives Club is here and she probably knows more about Facebook than any of us,” and asked if I had anything to add.  

I casually spoke for less than 5 minutes on the topic and from that 5 minutes, this blogger more than quadrupled her community. 

There are three major social networks I use consistently: Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook.  I am a believer in doing one or two very well rather than trying to figure them all out (learned that from Michael Hyatt’s book, Platform, which I highly, highly recommend for building and engaging a like-minded community).

Pinterest is amazing because I can upload a post written 4 months prior (like this one and this one) and have it go viral, being more than 1,000,000 times.  No other social network can, as consistently, take old content and make it new again.

I love Twitter because I have connected with some of the most amazing people through that social network. Many of which are highly influential and unlikely to have reached out to me any other way.  They followed me, I followed them back and then a relationship began being built.  I connect with bloggers most often through this social network and find their smart phone app to be the easiest, by far, to use.

That being said, my absolute favorite social network is Facebook. (Pinterest and Twitter reps: please don’t ding me for this…I love your networks too!!)  The reason Facebook is my favorite is that is how I connect daily with this beautiful community of more than 800,000 women.  I’m wordy (as you can tell by this post) so 160 characters or less is really tough for me to create a meaningful dialogue.

Yes, Facebook is constantly making algorithm changes that drive me a little batty at times because I have to spend two weeks trying to figure out what changes were made and how to adjust my posts to ensure the Happy Wives Club community sees them.  But it’s worth it.

Facebook is my number two driver of traffic and when I was releasing my book, Happy Wives Club, it was one of the main ways I shared it with the world.  My Facebook page has continued to grow at an average rate of between 1,000-2,000 a day for the past year.

Of course, there are anomalies when my Facebook page absolutely explodes, like the week Glennon Melton with Momastery.com answered on her blog a question I posed to her as a part of the blog tour for my book.  Instead of using my website, she included the link to my Facebook page and then Huffington Post picked up that blog post.  

On top of that, because of the launch of my book, #HappyWivesClub was the #1 hashtag trending worldwide on Twitter.  All this made for amazing growth.  More than 16,000/day were hitting “like” on my page and my engagement sky rocketed to 300%.  But as I said, this is an anomaly.  Most of the growth on my Facebook page has been good old fashioned hard work and a desire to build an engaged community.

Now, I know for most brands and bloggers, Facebook is the most frustrating social network.  I’ve heard every complaint under the sun.  Some of them are valid but many of them simply aren’t accurate.  What I’ve learned is if you just go with the flow and try to see each change as an improvement, you’ll find something great in each change (this is the same principal for a happy life, by the way ).

Here are the most common complaints I’ve heard and my thoughts on each one:

COMPLAINT #1:  Facebook only shows my posts to a very small fraction of my community.  I worked hard to get those likes and they won’t even show my posts.

My Response: Thank you, Facebook!  It’s not that I don’t want to hear from the pages I “like” but take off your brand, author or blogger hat for a moment and look at it from your community’s viewpoint and see how it would feel if Facebook actually took your suggestion and showed all of the posts, from all the pages you “like,” to you.  

Take me for example.  I have 260 pages on Facebook that I “Like.”  If each of these pages put up 4 posts a day (which is MORE than enough, in my opinion, and I’ll tell you why later), I’d be looking at more than 1,000 posts a day from people who are not my “Friends.”  So when my friend in New York announced she was pregnant by posting the ultrasound picture on her Facebook page, I missed it because I was getting hundreds of posts in my timeline from the hundreds of bloggers and brands whose pages I follow.  

Yes, I absolutely LOVE sites like The Dating Divas and enjoy going to their Facebook page often, but do I really want to see each and every post they put out?  No.  Why?  Not because I don’t adore their posts but because I want to know my girlfriend in New York is three-months pregnant.  Does that make better sense when you take off your brand or blogger hat and put on my “fan” hat?  If not, give it some time…it will.    

COMPLAINT #2: Facebook forces me to pay for anyone to see my posts!

My Response: Put up better posts.  And stop putting up so many.  Listen, I won’t pretend to fully understand the Facebook algorithm. Those folks are way too smart (shout out to Sheryl Sandberg who was kind enough to contact me within a couple days of receiving a copy of my Happy Wives Club book and who, likely doesn’t know, my book and hers have been placed right above one another in Targets around the country for the past couple months) and my brain only attempts to partially keep up.

This time, take off your blogger or brand hat again and put on your “fan” hat.  If you, like me, have liked 260 pages and want to read certain things they post, don’t you want to read their best?  Seriously.

As a follower of many bloggers on Facebook, some of the stuff put up is just junk.  It’s not well thought out, regurgitated filler from another page.  Speaking of which, if you are taking graphics from other Facebook pages without giving credit, stop it.  Karma is no joke and if you want your page to grow, I assure you this is not the way to go about it.  

Someone took the time to create a graphic, and put a watermark on it or a URL, so leave it there.  Why?  Because that is what is going to also help you grow your page (more on that in my Best Practices section below).

Create content people want to see and more will see it.  If you put up a post and Facebook shows it to 50 people in your community and 25 “Like” it, guess what?  Facebook shows it to another 100.  And if 50 of those like it, Facebook shows it to another 500 and so on (these aren’t the exact numbers, because I don’t know Facebook’s algorithm, but you get the gist).

Here’s an example of the reach for a couple recent posts of mine:

 

As you’ll notice, the post on the left was seen by close to 2,000,000 people.  But you’ll also notice the post has a share-to-like ratio of more than 1-to-1.  This is important.  Not only how many people “Like” your post but how many think it worthy enough to share.

The post on the right was only liked by 365 people and shared by 23 people so Facebook only showed it to 50,000 people (which likely equates to less than 5% of my community size because some of those who saw this were friends of those who follow the Happy Wives Club community page).

If I were to guess how Facebook weights these things, posts that are “shared” would be considered more valuable than those simply “liked” and thus will be shown to more people.  At least, that has been my experience.

COMPLAINT #3: Facebook doesn’t refer traffic to my site.

My Response:  Again, put up better content.  Use images as often as possible, even when putting up blog posts that contain links.  Putting the blog link in your comments and then writing in the status update to “see link in the first comment” is hurting you.  I know you think you’re getting around Facebook’s algorithm with this “trick” but I assure you they are smarter than you.  They really are.  They’re smarter than all of us and the sooner we accept that the better.

For those accessing your Facebook page via their mobile (which is more than 50% of those who come to the Happy Wives Club site from Facebook), by not making the link easy to access, you have just lost hundreds, if not thousands, of people who would have been interested in reading your post had you made it easy for them to get to.

As I said, Facebook is my #2 referrer of traffic and there have been times when it has moved into the #1 position.  If you post great content, and people click through, Facebook will show that content to more people.  Promise.

Now, that we’ve talked about the top 3 complaints I hear.  Let’s move on to the top 3 mistakes I see most often.

MISTAKE #1: You determine you don’t have time to engage on your Facebook page so you outsource it.

My Response: Bad move.  Facebook’s calling card is authenticity.  People know when you’re being fake on that social network.  And they know when it is not you putting up the posts.  The Obamas have it right when they decided they would sign their posts “BO” and “MO” when it’s them so people know when they are engaging directly with them.

You’re not fooling anyone.  If you have someone else running your Facebook page…your community knows it.

I am the only person with access to my Facebook page.  I have no other admins.  If someone is engaging on Facebook as Happy Wives Club, it is me.  The reason is no one else can replicate my voice…or heart.

When I first began my Facebook page, I outsourced it to a social media company.  They were wonderful.  They really were.  My Facebook page jumped to 10,000 likes pretty quickly.  BUT, and it’s a big but, the engagement was in the toilet.  People were clicking “like” but could care less about the mission of Happy Wives Club.

So I took over the account and engagement rose.  Prior to Facebook’s recent algorithm change, which seems to have impacted pages with over 500,000 likes the most, my engagement was usually between 100-150%.  That made it one of the most engaged non-celebrity pages on the web.  Right now, my engagement is somewhere around 60% and it will probably take me a couple weeks to figure out what message Facebook was trying to send in this most recent algorithm change and responding to it in a way that gets my page back to 100% engagement.

Facebook is not free.  It will take your time and energy but is worth it if you truly want to engage with your community.  

If you choose to hire an outside firm to manage your Facebook account, still be engaged.  Give them the content to post on your page.  But people did not follow you or your brand to hear from an outside firm.  They followed YOU and you need to continue to deliver that if you are to not only grow your Facebook community but to increase your engagement.

MISTAKE #2: Using third-party apps to post on Facebook.  Wowzers!  Stop that.  I love BufferApp but not for Facebook.  I think Hootsuite is wonderful.  But again, not for Facebook.  If you aren’t posting live, make sure to use the Facebook scheduler if you want your posts to be seen.

I know, I know, it’s more convenient to post to all your social networks at one time.  But again, I ask you to take off your blogger or brand hat for a moment and this time put on the Facebook hat.  Why in the world would they want to show something on their site you haven’t even taken the time to post there?

Create content for Facebook that is specific to what your Facebook community wants and desires from you (which is oftentimes different than what your Twitter and Pinterest communities want from you).

MISTAKE #3: Not proactively looking for those on the Facebook site who your message might resonate with and should know you exist. 

There are few things in life where the motto, “If you build it they will come” is applicable.  In most cases, that is not the case with Facebook.  As of October 2013, there are more than 1.25 billion Facebook users.  If you want to reach them, I recommend three things:

1. If you have a website, make the Facebook button visible and at the top.  Don’t make it difficult for those who have already found you through other means to find you on Facebook (or your other social networks for that matter).  Many only include the “Share” buttons on their pages.  I highly recommend including the “follow” button in a visible place everywhere you are on the web that will allow it. (If you look at my side bar, you’ll see the button at the top and then again midway down on the sidebar using a different design.)

2. Create quote memes or attractive graphics with your URL at the bottom.    If I were to guess how most find the Happy Wives Club Facebook page, it is because of the quote memes I take hours to create each day (I’ve also recently hired someone to help me with this because art truly is not my gift so it takes me much longer).

There are tons of services out there that can help you create the best graphics.  When I first began, I created them all in Powerpoint because I didn’t know how to use Photoshop.  And then I found sites like PicMonkey that make it easy for folks like you and me to be able to create great graphics for free. 

When I’m traveling and don’t have time to create a new quote meme (and my new graphic designer doesn’t either), I have a handful of like-minded sites I visit with similar missions and I’ll share their graphics with my community.  This way, my community continues to be encouraged each day, even while I’m traveling.  

But whatever you do, do not rip them off of other sites and add your URL.  Bad juju.  If you do that, others will likely do that to you in return.  This is something I know first hand as people crop my URL off all the time and post the meme on their own pages.

To create great quote memes, consider getting a monthly account with an image source (or taking your own photos, something I’m not skilled at so I buy them).  I use ThinkStockPhotos.com which is a royalty-free images service by Getty Images.  Then find the right quotes, add your URL to the quote meme (preferably designed into the image – which is what I do now to protect my images from having the URL cropped off) and voila – you’re on your way to getting your URL shared around the web!

3. Set aside a Facebook budget to find new community members.  Of the 1,000 “likes” the Happy Wives Club currently gets on average a day, less than 30 of them are paid.  Yes, you read that right.  The percentage of organic likes on my page is 97%.  

I spend between $2-5/day on Facebook ads and have run the exact same ad since 2010.  It’s simple, not tricky (like using a Dr. Oz picture and pretending he has anything to do with your page), and tells women about this Club.  The ad simply invites them to join a club for women like them.  

Figuring out the ad thing takes some time and can be expensive initially.  The reason is you have to figure out where your core audience resides and that takes some time.  For me,  I created a separate ad campaign for every English speaking country around the world (I told you I’ve spent a lot of time on this).  I used the same ad but created a new campaign for each so I could see the performance of each one.

I quickly discovered I was spending more than $1/per like in the US and Canada and less than $.10 in the Philippines.  So I adjusted my ad spend for each of those countries.  I knew I had a worldwide message so it didn’t make sense to limit it to the US.  Even still, US residents account for more than half of my Facebook community because they have seen posts from my Facebook page on their friend’s pages, as well as Facebook recommendations.

I wish I could give you the best advice here but all I can say is test out a number of things.  I personally prefer PPC (pay-per-click) ads but PPI (pay-per-thousand-impressions) might make more sense for you.

Facebook has a lot of options.  Try them out but make sure to stay within a budget that allows you to maintain the campaign in the long term (not just the short term) because it might take someone seeing your ad and then seeing three of their “friends” share something from your page before a person actually clicks through.

People sharing my posts on their page and Facebook suggestions, not ads, is how most find my page.  Only a small number of people actually click through the ad (a part of that is the graphic is really bad because I created it before I had any idea how to design) but them seeing it and then seeing the name Happy Wives Club again and again on their friend’s pages cause intrigue.  They come to the Happy Wives Club page, see what we’re all about, and decide for themselves if they want to join.

I’ve seriously just written an eBook here (maybe I should have thrown this in a PDF and sold it for $1.99?  Oh well…) so I’ll just wrap this up with this: 

Top 10 Facebook Best Practices:

1. Engage yourself.  If you want to hire a social media person, go for it.  It’s your money.  But make sure you are continuing to engage and stay connected because people are following your voice and your heart, not a social media company.

2. Use graphics.  Lots and lots of them.  The rule of thumb is those on Facebook are incredibly visual.  You will get more likes and shares if you use more graphics.  And something as simple as image size makes a larger difference than you might think.

Stick to the best Facebook sizes.  Of course, the best sizes could change but as of today, the ideal size for quote memes is 403px X 403px.  This size displays well on mobile devices, as well as in your timeline.

When you upload links, my recommendation is not to use the image they pull from the site as it is inevitably reduced to 400px X 209px.  What I do is take whatever my post graphic size is (which is usually 403px X 605px – the latter number doesn’t matter as long as it is a vertical image and isn’t too much longer than 600px) and crop the portion of it that will make the best image at that reduced (400px X 209px) size.  Then I click on the hyperlink below it that says, “Upload Image.”

*NOTE: BufferApp gives different Facebook size recommendations than I use and they are much savvier than me so maybe try both sets of sizes and see which one works best for you.   

3. Don’t over post (I generally post 2-4 times a day at my peak times).  Just like TMI is not good in all other areas of life, it’s not good here either.  I spent months figuring out what time was best to post.  I would post on one day at 5am and then the next day at 5:30am and then the next day at 6am and so on.  I did this for two months to figure out what time the HWC community was engaging online.  

Lucky for you, Facebook now has a nifty tool that does this for you.  Just go to the Insights tab and then click on the Posts tab and you’ll see your best times to post there.  Now, you’ll still want to test out what times work within an hour of the times Facebook shows because I can tell you my most engaged time each day is about an hour off from what Facebook says.  But then again, they’re having to gather info for 1.6 billion pages so narrowing it down within an hour sounds good to me.

I found the 4 times when the majority of my community is online and engaging and I only post during those times.  This ensures all my posts get solid engagement and Facebook rewards you for that by showing your posts to more of your community because they know you are only posting what your community wants to see (no spam, please).

4. Figure out what your community wants most and give them nothing but that.  If I post something and it’s a miss with my community, it is unlikely you’ll ever see anything like that on my page again.  

Google Analytics is great for your site (love them!) but I wonder if you ever take the time to actually look at your Facebook Analytics?  This is going to, by far, give you the most accurate and detailed information.

The above is a recent post of mine.  Here I can see how many people not only clicked “Like” or shared this post but I can also see how many clicked through.  This is one of the best ways to see what your community wants from you.

5. Do not copy my brand page.  I say this partly out of selfish reasons and partly because it simply won’t help.  Your community is different from mine and what yours wants and needs is different from mine.  You can look at mine and others with high engagement for inspiration, but ultimately, you need to figure out what your community shares most (because that is how others find you) and keep giving them things they’re inspired to share with their friends.

6. Put in the time or bow out.  Listen, if you don’t have the time to figure out what your Facebook community wants from you, then don’t even waste your time.  Some social networks are good for those with no time.  Facebook is not one of them.  Either make the time to engage or find a different social network that suits your needs.

7. Don’t be afraid to expand your community beyond North America.  I recently received an email from a Happy Wives Club member who was sharing my Facebook site with a friend.  That friend then told her about a YouTube video about buying “likes” and concluded because my top city was Quezon City, I “bought” the fans.  Nope.  But I do get a lot of “likes” from the Philippines.

As a matter of fact, because the Filipino community has been so engaged on the Happy Wives Club Facebook page and blog, I traveled to Makati City and Quezon City -both in the Manila metro area- to interview happily married couples for my book.  Time Magazine just named Makati City the “selfie” capital of the world because they post more selfies on Instagram than any other city.  

So if you have a message that will resonate with Filipinos worldwide, I’d actively look for a way to engage them.  I’ve found them to be the most grateful, wonderful, fun-loving people, who are also highly engaged on social media.  Not to mention, most of them have tons of friends and family members living in the US so when they share your posts on their Facebook pages, they are being shared to a large number of people on both sides of the Pacific.  

 

Although I don’t target those in the US with ads, you will notice in the screenshot above that my number one country in “fans” and engagement is, by far, right here at home.  My top cities are all in the Philippines because they are densely populated and have tons of people on Facebook.  But as you can see, that doesn’t represent the full picture.  

By ignoring potential community members in other countries, you miss a great opportunity to introduce your mission/brand to not only them, but their friends and family in North America and Europe (the two areas with the highest Facebook ad prices).  

Keep in mind, this is not limited to the Philippines.  You might find your message resonates in Fiji or South Africa or many other places around the world.  Bottom line is the US is only a small portion of the rest of the world so if your message can reach beyond our borders…go for it!

8. Don’t buy Facebook “fans.”  They’re not real.  I got an email a couple days ago from someone who seemed very genuine and said she was listed by Forbes as one of the Top 50 social media folks in the world.  The odd thing is she was selling me on a company she suggested I use (and according to her email was not being paid to promote) to buy “real” Facebook likes.  She said she was suggesting it because she’d looked at my Facebook page and thought I could use it.

My response was simple.  Nearly 1K new likes a day, less than 30 of those are via ads…I think I’m doing okay.  But I have to tell you, her pitch was strong and if I’d received it several years ago, I probably would have been interested.

As a matter of fact, I tried buying a small number of fans back in 2010 -before Facebook explicitly banned the practice- and realized very quickly that it’s no way to build an engaged community.  Although the company claimed these were all “real” fans with genuine interest in my page, when I looked at the makeup of those who actually clicked “like” on my page, almost all of them were men from the Middle East. I’d say it’s pretty unlikely any of those guys had a “genuine interest” in the Happy Wives Club.  

I learned then the only way to do it is through intentional learning and serving, and for the 4 years that followed, I’ve done just that. 

9. Facebook parties are great…but not for engagement.  Okay, so here’s the deal with the Facebook parties where you partner up with a ton of other bloggers and those on your page “like” their pages and vice versa.  I tried this once a couple years ago and my experience led me not to participate in one again.

The reason is my engagement dropped tremendously.  Now, my posts were being shown to people who could care less and only followed me because of the prize we were promoting.  I gained 20,000 or so followers, lost about 30% but my engagement went into the toilet.  I also began receiving rude comments for the first time on the page…ever.

We’re a positive community, no judgement at all, so snarky comments are very rare.  But immediately following the one Facebook push (aka party) I participated in, my engagement dropped and the number of rude comments went through the roof.

That being said, I know many who have found success with these Facebook pushes, but for the most part, those who participate in them see their engagement percentage dramatically decrease in the weeks that follow.

10. Recognize you have a community not “fans.”  Unless you’re a celebrity, it’s unlikely people are following you just to know about you.  Build a community.  Take the time to get to know those in it.  Find out why they are following you and how you can serve them.

Facebook is a very powerful tool and if you use it to be of service to others, you will find it is incredibly rewarding for you and for those within your community. 

That’s all folks!  I just wrote this post off the top of my head, without writing anything down first, so I’m sure I’m missing a few key points.  When I sat down to write this, I had no idea it would be so long.  Sorry about that…  

As time goes on, if I think of things I forgot to add here or if Facebook makes any major algorithm changes that impact my engagement or page growth, I’ll put it in a section below entitled “Update” so you can see it.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

(Quick plug: I traveled around the world in search of the universal secret of a happy marriage, and all the amazing details are in my USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  The executive editor of Brides Magazine described it this way, “It’s like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage!” I think I like that description.)

**UPDATE**

1. Of course, the day after I post this, the number of people “talking about” my Facebook page dropped to 290,000 – the lowest percentage in as long as I can remember.  It’s a great thing this happened though because it reminded me of a best practice I forgot to include: Stay Calm…and just keep serving your community.  With every Facebook algorithm change -or times of crazy busyness when you can’t engage like usual- you are likely to see a significant drop.  No worries!  It’s only the engagement for that week and you always have the current week to return your engagement to normal levels (exactly what I’ll be working on the next couple weeks).

Update on my “talking about this” stat.  As soon as I posted the above update, I went to my Facebook page and clicked on Insights > Posts to see if the peak times and days of the week my community is engaging had changed.  And guess what?  It had.  So I adjusted the times I posted and within 36 hours, my “talking about this” jumped up to 399,759 people.  Within a week, that number had increased to 682,200. 

 

Again, the only significant change I made to achieve the above results was adjusting the post times to match the newly listed times in my Insights>Post page.  The engagement pattern of my community changed and so I needed to quickly adapt.   On Facebook, the smallest tweaks can make a major difference.

2. Here’s a tip I forgot in the post: I don’t recommend status updates when posting quote memes or graphics (unless you’re introducing a post link).  The reason is you might get alot of “likes” but will likely lose some shares.  For instance, if I post a quote meme that says, “I love my life as your wife,” and write in the status update, “Love you, sweetheart,” all those who call their husbands, “Honey” or “Baby” or whatever pet name they choose will not share that graphic.  You’ve just personalized it for you…and taken away their ability to personalize it for themselves.  Test this out.  All those I know who have made this switch have seen their “shares” increase tremendously.

3. I have a feeling I’m going to be adding a lot of updates in the days ahead.  Just thought about another important point.  ENGAGE with your community.  Don’t just set up posts through a scheduler and then never go back to engage with those who posts comments.  Even if you only engage with a few people per post, every time I respond to someone in my Facebook community, they get a notification that says, “Happy Wives Club likes your comment” or “Happy Wives Club just responded to your comment.”  It lets them know that they matter and are actually engaging with someone real.

4. I mentioned in my post to only focus on one or two social networks.  But I failed to mention the two I focus on personally: Facebook and Twitter.  Both my Pinterest and Instagram accounts are managed by other people in this community (just started using the Instagram one a couple weeks ago).  The reason is those two social networks don’t require a personal “voice.”  So I could turn those over to people with a passion for marriage and who can simply share posts from the blog and Facebook page.

6 Scientific Questions to Ask About Your Marriage

I am a research junkie. There are few things I love to do more than dive into stats and numbers.  

People are always shocked when I tell them I’ve never read a novel (at least not that I can remember).  

In the 80s, when I was required to read novels in school (think Uncle Tom’s Cabin), I’d head to the bookstore and pick up those yellow and black workbooks I loved so much (aka Cliff Notes).

I could never seem to work my way through a novel but I’d happily sit in the hallway, on the second story of our home, and read through the Britannica collection sitting on the shelves.  

My parents and I had a a contentious relationship (that’s putting it mildly) because I only responded to fact.  So when they’d tell me something was so because they “said so,” you can imagine how well that went.

Now, that I’m older, I still can’t seem to make my way through a novel, love nonfiction and can plug numbers into Excel spreadsheets for hours on end without ever getting bored (which came in handy as a hotel general manager).

Needless to say, awesome posts like this one from Cheri Gregory make me a do a happy dance!  Enjoy (I sure did ).

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I love research.

Sure, some people manipulate statistics to “prove” whatever they want.

But I love solid studies about relationships. To me, they’re an easy way for me to learn how to have the best marriage possible. (I’ve already paid enough tuition to the school of hard knocks!)

I’m not saying that we should slavishly adhere to every conclusion generated by every study.  Each couple and relationship is unique. 

But some statistics can be valuable tools for reflection and, as needed, recalibration. Here are six questions, based on scientific research, that I keep in the back of my mind:

1.  Is our ratio of positive-to-negative interactions at least 5:1?  If not, why?  Sometimes our ratio drops because we’re in a difficult spot in our marriage. Other times, it drops because we’re going through a tough season of life. Either way, conscious attention to this ratio helps me be more intentional about adding more positivity to my words and actions.

2.  Are we averaging an hour (or more) a day together?  During some seasons, this was all-but-impossible. But we kept it in mind as our goal. We didn’t want to settle for 15 minutes becoming the new normal for our marriage. Now that our kids are out of the house, we are eagerly “making up for lost time” because we’ve hung on to the belief that more time together is better.

3.  Do we communicate respect even when we disagree?  Of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” of destructive marital communication, the worst is contempt.  Gottman calls it the “single greatest predictor of divorce.”  Since we want the opposite of divorce, we aim for the opposite of contempt. We consciously express respect, even (or should I say especially!) when we’re at odds with each other.  (This is vital for me: I tend to be very sarcastic, and sarcasm easily comes across as contempt.)

4.  Have we laughed together today?  Laughter triggers the release of happy hormones in our brains, counteracting stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol. Daniel constantly tells me, “You’re just so dang funny!” which, of course, only encourages me to crack more silly jokes and look for the funny flip side in every difficult situation. When neither of us can muster up a laugh, we watch favorite comedy videos together to remind us how much fun it is to laugh.  (Bonus: #4 double-dips with #1!)

5.  When was the last time we walked down memory lane? Playing the “Remember when…?” game often gives a much needed redirection to our focus.

• “Remember when we lost 5th gear on the Accord one hour into a ten-hour drive?”
• “Remember when we brought home a second cat and the two of them fought all night long…all over our bed?” 
• “Remember those bargain brand blueberry muffin mixes we used to buy, with blueberry-flavored “bits” instead of berries?”

Reminiscing is a powerful bonding activity. It reminds us why we got together in the first place and how much history we’ve built together. 

6.  What’s something new we can try together? Daniel and I have finally found a way to exercise together:  While he goes on a 3-hour bike ride, I drive to his destination and wait to pick him up. Okay, so maybe this doesn’t quite qualify as “exercising together,” but it is something new that we’re enjoying immensely. While he rides, I hang out at Starbucks and write; then, we enjoy lunch together and head home. While we love the many comfortable routines of our relationship, intentionality with newness keeps our routines from becoming ruts.

A few free downloads for you:

• From Happify: The Science Behind a Happy Relationship 
• Printable from Cheri:  “Bragging on My Beloved” gratitude journal

What questions do you ask to keep your marriage happy?

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

 

THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.

How to Protect Your Marriage During Challenging Times

“What is the biggest obstacle you’ve had to overcome in your marriage and how did you do it?”  This was the question posed to Keith and me during a recent interview.

Easy question to answer, right?  Well, not for us. It usually causes an uncomfortable laughter because we know what the interviewer is looking for – and we don’t have it to give.  

But the truth is, we’ve never had a challenge in our marriage that has felt… well…major.

Granted, infertility to many would be considered a major challenge.  And going in for my third round of fertility treatments next week might seem like a major drag to some.  But we don’t see it that way. 

For us, we’re filled with gratitude that our insurance covers these procedures and look at our first childless decade together as an opportunity to grow closer as husband and wife.  

And yes, there was a time when we ate chili for an entire month (yep, every day) and did other extreme things (Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover, baby!) until we were able to pull ourselves out of a massive debt we’d created.  

But just like the fertility issue, that never felt like a real obstacle.

It wasn’t until a similar question was posed during a talk I was giving last week that I had an aha moment about this issue.  ”We hear alot that money problems is one of the top reasons for divorce.  Can you explain why this adversely impacts some marriages and not others?”

In answering that question, I finally realized why Keith and I have such a hard time answering that “obstacle” question:

Have you ever been on an airplane going through major turbulence?  The kind that feels like the plane is dropping several hundred feet at a time?  On a recent flight, the plane was dropping at such steep rates that with each drop, almost every passenger on the flight gasped.  

A young man, no older than thirty, sitting next to me was sweating so profusely he could have been mistaken for having just finished a Zumba class.  With every drop, you could almost see his heart popping out of chest.  I’m telling you, that young man thought he was about to die.  

But then I turned around and looked at the flight attendants and it was as if they were on a completely different plane.  “Trash anyone?” was their call down the middle of the aisle.  ”Can I take that cup from you, sir?” was the flight attendant’s question to a man who was likely clutching his cup for dear life.

These flight attendants were utterly unfazed.  Going through the exact same turbulences as the rest of us, and yet, it was as if they were flying through clear sunny skies.  There, of course, is a simple reason for that.  They knew the odds of a fatality happening on that plane was 1 in 10 million.  

This is the difference between the couples that allow finances, infertility and other similar challenges to adversely impact their marriage and the ones that don’t.  Those who look ahead to the future, team up and work to overcome life’s challenges -together- are like the flight attendants on that plane. They’re going through the same tumultuous air space as everyone else, but they remain focused on what they know to be true: They will make it through.

Every person on this planet goes through turbulent skies at some point.  But if your union has love, respect, faith and trust, you can protect your marriage from the turbulence of life.  By coming together and supporting one another, remembering those rocky skies are just for a moment, you can draw closer rather than be pushed apart.  

Your love, just like that plane, is far more powerful than any turbulence you might endure.  

It may not happen immediately, but eventually the wheels will touch down, passengers on the plane will erupt into applause, the pilot will come on the loudspeaker letting you know you’ve safely arrived, and the flight attendant will continue collecting the trash.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

3-Day Challenge: The Perks of Becoming a Complaint-Free Wife

Have you ever sat around listening to a wife complain about all the things wrong in her life and marriage and thought, “You have a great husband?  You have a life others would die for?”

Sometimes, as Cheri Gregory beautiful articulates in this post, complaining can be on auto-pilot.  It was a part of our lives prior to marriage and it just came right on in like an invited guest the moment we said I do.

Complaining is not problem-solving and true problem-solving rarely involves complaining.

Even the happiest among us can fall into the trap of complaining and what we are generally doing in that moment is keeping us from finding the solution our heart desires.

Give this complaint-free challenge a try for 3 days and then come back and let us know how it impacted your life and marriage.  Can’t wait to hear all about it!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Every January for the last seven years, I’ve taken the Complaint-Free Challenge: one whole month without complaining. 

Of course, this has not meant ignoring legitimate problems. Will Bowen, author of A Complaint-Free World, makes a clear distinction between complaining and problem-solving. Complaining is making energetic statements focused on the problem at hand rather than the resolution, while problem-solving is speaking directly and only to the person who can resolve the issue.

Complaint-Free: Who Me?

The first time I tried the Complaint-Free Challenge, I discovered how rarely I used true problem-solving techniques. My mouth seemed set on negative auto-pilot. I griped endlessly out of habit rather than choosing my words with care.

To become more aware of my complaining tendencies, I started each day with a purple “Complaint-Free World” bracelet on my left wrist. Each time I caught myself complaining, I changed the band to my other wrist.

I soon became conscious of one specific complaining habit involving my husband.

Every time Daniel came into my home office, I’d stop working and start complaining. This habit was so automatic that the moment I’d hear him walking downstairs, I’d feel irritated and find something wrong to report the moment he walked in.

This is ridiculous! I thought. What’s going on here? Why do I drop what I’m doing and fabricate a complaint whenever Daniel appears?

Finally, after some soul-searching and a good laugh at my own expense, I realized what I was doing:



I was trying to reconnect with my husband. 

We’d been apart for a while, and I was trying to re-engage with him. Of course, the method I was using was counterproductive; my complaints often resulted in disagreements or Daniel retreating in haste.

Once I recognized my true desire, I tried a new approach. I replaced all my complaints with one simple word:

“Hi!”

It worked like a charm.

3 Reasons I Aim to be Complaint-Free Wife

1.  I am more pleasant to be with. Daniel stops by to see me far more frequently, and with far less trepidation!

2. I am happier. I’ve found that what I hear, I take to heart. And since I hear myself 24/7, complaining words and thoughts cause a cacophony of “baditude” in my heart. Less complaining has created space for peace, quiet, and contentment.

3. I’m more grateful.  I used to think that I’d get around to gratitude when I didn’t have so much to complain about. When I intentionally quit complaining, I suddenly had time to notice and point out all the good. The more appreciation I expressed, the more I noticed things for which I was grateful. As gratitude became my new default, complaining naturally died off. 

I recognize that going complaint-free isn’t for everyone. But I’ll tell you from experience that each time I take the Complaint-Free Challenge, I become more the happy woman–and happy wife–I most want to be.

A Couple of Complaint-Free Resources:

• Free eBook: Break Free from “Baditude”
  
• Free printable:  ”Bragging on My Beloved” gratitude journal

Ready to try the Complaint-Free Challenge? 31 days is a long commitment…how about starting with just 3! What could you learn about your complaining habits with your husband by choosing to be complaint-free for the next 3?  (Come back on in 3 days and let us know what you discovered!)

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

Why Most Celebrity Marriages Don’t Work (And Yours Does!)

**This is an excerpt for an article I wrote this week for Popsugar.com.**

I must admit, my heart broke a little bit when Khloe Kardashian filed for divorce from Lamar Odom. I’d sent her an advanced copy of my book to her home, Happy Wives Club, just days before the news broke of his infidelities. Talk about bad timing!

And still, even though the guy clearly had issues and put her through the wringer, there was a part of me that hoped he’d get his act together, come back begging, she’d accept him and all would once again be well in the Odom household.

When Brad and Jennifer broke up (I know, I’m reaching back pretty far), I proudly staked my claim with Team Aniston. But in my heart, I hoped Brad would come crawling back and they’d reconcile. A sentiment, for some odd reason, I held on to for . . . ahem . . . nearly a decade.

I’ve got a soft spot for celebrity marriages and if I could keep them all together I would for one simple reason. When every magazine splashes across their front cover the demise of another celebrity marriage, there are “regular” people who are holding on to their marriage by a thread, who at that very moment choose to give up.

We see ourselves in the lives of those we admire and if their marriages can’t work — with all the glitz, glamour and fame — how can ours?

It’s simple. Most celebrity marriages aren’t built to last. But here’s the good news. You and I aren’t celebrities so we’ve got a much greater shot at creating our very own happily ever after.

Most celebrity marriages don’t work because of this very simple fact: The spotlight melts any and everything that gets in its way. We build them up, place them on pedestals, and then watch in amusement as they attempt to live up to the lives we’ve created for them.


Couples like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson or Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan (both married 25 years) are rarer in Hollywood than a bankable movie star these days. But in watching and listening to them, we can learn a lot about what it takes to make a marriage work (even under the most strenuous circumstances).

**Please join me at Popsugar.com today where I had the honor of writing the remainder of this article.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Happily Married Is My Reality…And I Won’t Apologize For That

It’s quite a fascinating thing to comprehend.  Over the past couple of weeks, I have been featured on more than 30 news, radio and online media outlets following the release of my debut book, Happy Wives Club.  

From Huffington Post to Popsugar to Essence and Brides Magazines.  From Good Morning Chicago to Sunrise in Australia. And in nearly every interview I seem to be answering, implicitly or explicitly, the same underlying question:

Are the women of this Club, and me in particular, really telling the truth about being happily married?

Some, like one major newspaper in London, have flat out questioned my “lack of realism.”  And following each interview, I’d pause and reflect, “Can they possibly believe all those who say they are happily married are lying?”

This beautiful online community has grown to include over 700,000 women in more than 110 countries around the world.  And even still, interview after interview, the term, “happily married” continues to be questioned as if it’s some sort of mythical god.

In an interview this morning, it all came to light. 

The wonderful host of the show said something to the effect of, “I don’t want this to be a negative interview.  I really don’t.  But what about reality?  The reality of marriage is that it’s not always going to be happy.  Things aren’t always going to go right.  So where is the reality in this?”

Interestingly enough, that same host also began the interview by proclaiming she was happily single.  So my response to her was simple.  Just as it is possible for her to be happily single with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumps and bruises of life, it is just as possible (and realistic) for every married person to have that same opportunity.

What I love most about being married is I have someone in the car with me while I drive that sometimes long and windy road called life.  I have with me, my best friend and trusted confidante, who at times is the driver and other times is the passenger.  He is there to hold my hand, encourage and support me, and to help me along this sometimes rocky road.

Just as the interviewer this morning, and so many others like her who love their lives as single women (11 years ago, I’d been counted in that number too), I’m enjoying the heck out of my life as a married woman.  This doesn’t make me unrealistic.  It doesn’t call for a questioning of reason.  I’d never question a person’s ability to be happily single.  I’ve had the pleasure of living that life too.

Happiness was not handed to me on a silver platter.  If you’ve read my book, it probably threw you for a loop -as it did many of my closest friends- that I’m the survivor of two suicide attempts earlier in life.  I left home just shy of my 16th birthday and spent my 18th birthday in a homeless shelter (the first of many I temporarily called home as I made the uncomfortable transition from youth to adult).  

Creating a life a happiness, and a marriage like the one I have the great fortune of enjoying, did not come naturally.  At one time, misery consumed my life…literally, almost until death.  And now, joy and happiness does the same.

So to the question of, “Am I really telling the truth about being happily married?” the answer is unquestionably, undoubtedly, unabashedly Yes.  This, no matter how difficult it may be for some to believe, is my reality.  And I’m grateful for it each and every moment I have the honor of living it.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

5 Important Ways Marriage Has Made Me Better

When I first read this post by HWC contributor, Christine St. Vil, my first thought was, “If I had a dollar for every way marriage has made me a better person I’d be a very rich woman!”

For one, it has stretched me.  It has pushed me out of my comfort zone.  And in the process, made me a much kinder, less selfish, and far more patient and loving woman.

My husband is quick to point out that I was incredibly happy as a single woman.  I had no problem walking into a restaurant and proudly saying, “Dinner for one, please.”

I did not get married because I thought marriage would make me happy nor did I believe I needed someone to complete me.  

I got married because I’ve always believed marriage enhances your life.  That although we could probably make it through this cold world by ourselves, why would we want to?

My husband has made me a better person in every possible sense of the word.  A more loving and humble person.  Would I have arrived at this place without marriage?  Possibly.  But I’m so grateful it wasn’t necessary.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I am still on a marriage high from the launch of the Happy Wives Club book, and all of the amazing blog posts submitted for the blog tour. I haven’t gotten through all of the posts, but the ones that I’ve read have been so inspiring.

I’ve literally been thinking about all of the reasons I’m a happy wife, and how blessed I am to have a happy marriage. It’s been so refreshing to be a part of this community and to see the amount of love there is in marriages all over the world. These are the stories we don’t see or hear enough of, but hopefully that will change soon.

It’s so easy to take for granted what you have because it’s so comfortable and you’re so used to having it. But I literally give thanks every day for my husband and my marriage. I know we make each other a better, and I couldn’t help but think of the different ways that marriage has indeed made me a better person.

5 Important Ways Marriage Has Made Me Better

1. I’m more giving. For as long as I can remember, my husband has always been the type of person to give the shirt off his back to anyone that needed it, without asking any questions. And although I love to help people and give to people as well, I used to always want to ask questions first.  Witnessing the amount of humility my husband possesses has made me want to give more freely and openly.

2. I’ve learned to compromise. Growing up the sixth child out of seven, I got accustomed to fighting or arguing my way through situations. It was one way or another, and rarely anything in between. Marriage has taught me that we don’t always have to want the same thing but we should always be willing to give up something (even temporarily) so that the other can have.

3. I’m learning more patience. I talk about this all of the time because while I still have a little ways to go, I’ve come an even longer way in this regard. I used to be quick to jump to conclusions and quick to snap at anyone that I thought was challenging me.  Through my husband’s actions and guidance, I’ve learned to listen first before opening my mouth. Marriage has allowed me to grow in patience, which in turn has strengthened not only my marriage, but other relationships as well.

4. I’ve learned to trust. When you go through different things in life and you’ve been burnt a time or two, naturally you treat everyone as if they are going to hurt you too. Marriage has opened me up to trusting in ways I was never able to in the past. It’s allowed me to truly understand what it means to trust completely.

5. I’ve learned to express myself. I am a first generation American, and grew up with very African parents deep rooted in culture. Talking back or forming an opinion that was against theirs was unheard of. Obviously, that’s all they knew as that was how they were raised.

Naturally, I always found it difficult to speak my mind and express my feelings, good or bad as I grew older. My husband is the one who made me feel safe and comfortable in sharing my feelings, which allows for more open and honest communication.

Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is amazing. Marriage has made me a better person in more ways than one.

QUESTION: What are some ways that marriage has changed you for the better?

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How to Fix the Fix-It Syndrome (When You Only Want Him to Listen)

When I first saw the, “It’s Not About the Nail” video, I laughed my heart out.  And then realized, the reason it was so funny was for the first 8 years of our marriage, my poor husband was the one with the nail in his head.

It’s usually men who have the “fix-it syndrome” but in the case of my marriage, I was the one with the problem.  

What HWC contributor, Kim Hall, suggests here is almost identical to what I began doing to fix my “fit-it” challenge.

The beautiful thing about this “syndrome,” is the person trying to do the fixing means well.  It’s done in love.  And during the times when that way of expressing love becomes frustrating to your spouse (or vice versa), try this fantastic tip.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

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Have you experienced this before?

You and your husband are sitting together, enjoying a rare moment of quiet.

You turn to him and share about a problem you’re having, perhaps at work, or with a friend.

The moment you finish, your husband offers up his expertise in his concise and straightforward way.

He looks at you expectantly, waiting for your thanks, because he has just given you the best gift ever: a solution!

His expression quickly turns to dismay and puzzlement as he sees your anger beginning to flare.

“I just wanted you to listen. You don’t have to fix everything all the time.”

The fix-it syndrome has struck again.

This is such a familiar refrain in relationships that Jason Headley’s short and amusing, tongue-in-cheek video, “It’s Not About the Nail” went viral.

If you’ve ever felt similar frustration at not being heard, take heart.

There is a simple way to fix the fix-it syndrome.

First, it is helpful to remember that men and women are wired differently. While both sexes can be chronic fixers, men think more predominately in terms of problems and solutions.

Women enjoy discussing and empathizing, and especially like knowing they are being heard and understood. The process of solving the problem is almost as important as the solution.

Next time, instead of doing what you’ve always done and getting what you’ve always got, I invite you to do this:

Let your husband know what you want.

Tell him you just need to vent, for example, and need him to listen, that’s all.

Remember he is not a mind-reader.

To be even more proactive, give him the gift of this question he can ask you any time:

“Would you like me to listen, or would you like my help fixing this?”

It’s a fair and helpful question, and needs to be asked and answered with courtesy, compassion and respect, of course.

I can tell you that using that question in our household has contributed to much more peaceable conversations.

The funny thing is that whoever has the problem tends to be more open to advice, too.

As part of these conversations, you can these tips to avoid fights.

I also heartily endorse and echo what Kathi Lipp shared here recently: the objective is to resolve your difficulties, not to win.  After all, you and your husband are on the same team!

Question: How can you use these ideas to build a stronger marriage?

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim @ Too Darn Happy

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3 Ways to Increase Spiritual Unity in Your Marriage

Spirituality is something I don’t talk about often here.  

A part of that is when I set out to create this community, I did so desiring for it to be a spring of hope for every woman no matter age, number of years married, religion, culture, background, or socio-economic status.

I’m so grateful, four years later, this continues to be a place women can come no matter their background or faith.

When I read this post by HWC contributor, Carlie Kercheval, I never thought twice about whether or not it would be well received.  And I, too, believe that although your faith may be different from Carlie’s or mine, these principals are universal.

Staying spiritually connected in my marriage has been a bedrock.  Our faith has carried us through a number of storms and we’ve come out on the other side stronger and wiser because of our faith in God and one another. 

Although I cannot say this with absolute certainty, I’m fairly certain our marriage would not be this strong without our spiritual connection.  Mind, body and spirit…we’ve stay connected on every level.

My guess is it is the same with you and this brief reminder to feed our collective souls will draw you closer to one another and will strengthen your faith.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Often times as married couples, we can get caught up in the physical and mental aspects of marriage – neglecting the spiritual side. For my husband and I, the spiritual side is just as important as the physical and mental. In the more than 13 years my husband and I have been married, we’ve always noticed a stark contrast in our marriage when we were neglecting to nurture our own spirit leading to lack of spiritual intimacy between each other.

My husband and I happen share the same faith, we are both Christians. We even met at a Bible study during our undergrad days at Washington State University (go Cougs!). While I realize not everyone reading this will share the same faith with us or their spouse, I believe the principles are universal.

1. Resolve to Pray For Your Spouse

Sometimes this can be a difficult thing to do when you are facing hard times. Sure, it’s easy to pray when things are going well, but it’s an entirely different story when things are not so easy-going. Resolving to pray for your spouse no matter the circumstance can help prevent future rough patches in your marriage.

2. Study Your Faith Together

This has been one part of our marriage that we have fought hard for. When we don’t read the Bible together, a distancing occurs. It occurs from a spiritual perspective first, and then translates into distancing both mentally and physically. However, we find that if we read our Bible and share our faith, it builds up and continues to grow our spiritual intimacy with one another.

3. Create Positive Confession Lists

For us, we do this often. We try to come together once a month and do some goal setting for our marriage, family, and personal lives. In keeping with setting our goals, we always want to choose positive words (for us primarily from the Bible) to speak life into our situation. We will print out our confession lists and hang them on our mirror, keep a copy in our vehicles, and any other handy place we see fit. This has worked out very well for us and helps our confidence in one another, God, our faith and our marriage. And it is an excellent way to see the powerful impact that positive words have!

While every couple has their own idea of what spiritual intimacy looks like, the important part is making it a priority in your marriage. Even if you and your spouse have different views on things, find a way to commune with one another on a spiritual level. It will bless your marriage and build a stronger foundation for it! Believe me, it works!

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5 Special Gifts for National Husband’s Day

On January 22, 2014, we sponsored an unofficial new holiday: National Husband’s Day. A special day set aside for the nearly 1 million women in the Happy Wives Club community to celebrate our husbands.

Initially, my hope was we’d be able to get a government official to proclaim the day on our behalf. Our team began working on that and quickly realized the many complications of getting a date named as a holiday officially. But who needs official?

National Peanut Butter Day is one of my absolute favorite holidays. No government official has yet to recognize that officially but that doesn’t stop me from indulging in a few more spoonfuls of that tasty stuff just at the mention of its national holiday.

So let’s celebrate our special day together!

To make it easy, we’ve come up with 5 special (and free) gifts you can give your husband today to commemorate the occasion.

1. Print this certificate. If you didn’t get a chance to print this off last year, you may still want to print it now to let your husband know you’re a proud member of this club and because of his love, you’ve sponsored this day honoring him. This is the original sponsorship certificate so it includes the original 2014 date. Here is one dated for 2015.

2. Customize this proclamation. If you printed the above certificate last year as one of the original sponsors of National Husband’s Day (or even if you didn’t), we’ve created a customizable proclamation for you to give your husband this year. Customize it. Print it out (legal size paper). Frame it. Then deliver to him a gift sure to make him proud. (If your computer doesn’t allow you to customize the PDF, print this one to handwrite his name and your name instead).

3. Print a customized Book of Love. This fantastic DIY coupon book from The Dating Divas is something sure to knock your husband’s socks off. Surprise him with this creative book that gives him all the things he wants most…one coupon at a time.

4. Write the perfect love letter. Have you ever written your husband a love letter? Not just a few words at the bottom of a card but actually write the card yourself? If not, today’s a pretty fantastic day to sharpen your writing skills. To make it easy, here are 7 ways to write the perfect love letter.

5. Spoil your spouse date night. There’s no better night than tonight to spoil your spouse. This date night is all about doing what your husband loves to do. No marital compromise here –this is his night!

Any excuse to celebrate those fabulous hubbies of ours is a good enough excuse for me.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

We’re SO close to our goal! JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.