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5 Things I Learned About Marriage From Being a Marriage Counselor

You may know him from Twitter as @MarriageDr and I had the pleasure of meeting him face-to-face at a MeetUp I hosted in Denver.

Aaron Anderson’s marriage and family clinic in Denver is so busy, that although I made the request, I wasn’t sure he’d ever have time to write an article for Happy Wives Club.

Then he got a question. about marriage he’d never been asked before  A question that stumped him.  One that caused a flurry of thoughts to rush through his mind and he couldn’t rest until he knew the answer.

That back and forth in his mind, led this to post, and when Annett (our content manager) first received it, she emailed me, “I love Aaron’s post!”  And so do I.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

P.S. HWC CANADA: I’m headed your way next week!  I’ll be on several local shows, as well as The Social on Monday and Global Morning on Tuesday.

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As a marriage counselor, I get a lot of questions from friends and strangers about things going on in their relationship.

The questions are usually pretty ordinary. Things like “How do I tell her I don’t want to go to her family’s house for Christmas” or “Should I tell him I really don’t like his mother’s mashed potatoes?”  But every once in awhile I’ll get a question that really challenges me.

I got one of those questions yesterday. It was from a young man in my church who was about to get married. He asked me “What are some things you’ve learned as a marriage counselor that you wish you knew before you got married?”

I took a deep breath as if to say something but nothing came out. I haven’t thought about that – ever. I told him I’d have to get back to him. When I got home, I became flooded with thoughts. They were coming so quickly I had to write them down. So now here I am trying to sleep and I can’t.

There’s too much on my mind. As I’m writing down my thoughts, I realize this isn’t just info I want him to know, I wish everyone could know these important things about marriage.

5 things I learned about marriage from years of marriage counseling:

1) Marriage isn’t just a commitment. When you get married, you usually make vows that go something like this: “For richer or poorer, through sickness and health, ‘til death do us part”. So when you get married, you make a commitment to stay together no matter what.

Marriage is more than just a no-matter-what commitment. I had one client say it best. She told her husband that “I don’t want you just to be married to me. I want you to love me and like me, too.”  Marriage is a commitment, but it’s also a lifelong adventure and journey of love with each other.

2) Marriage is also passionate. Not only is marriage supposed to be loving, it’s supposed to be passionate, too. Sex is the one thing that separates you and your spouse from being just roommates.

Without that passion that goes along with a vibrant sexual relationship, you’re just being roommates. And marriage isn’t meant to be just living like roommates – that’s why it’s called marriage. When spouses share passion, sex, and everything that goes along with it, then they’re really being a married couple.

3) Sex in marriage is waaay different. I see a lot of couples who come to me for marriage counseling because their bedroom has become bland and boring. They tell me that sex used to be rockin’ before they got married but now that they’ve been married awhile it just doesn’t have the same excitement it used to have. They’ve even tried new things and it still hasn’t helped. It just doesn’t have the same flare that it used to.

That flare comes when you feel connection in the bedroom. When there’s connection in the bedroom, both partners feel that they just had great sex. But when that connection is missing they feel like it was just ho-hum. Once you get married (and after you’ve been married for a while) it ups the connection-ante. You can’t rely on the connection you felt years ago to sustain you today. The connection you feel needs to continually increase or else sex will feel the same as it did a couple years ago – and that gets old. You can’t fake that connection. If it’s not there, the bedroom will always feel ho-hum.

4) Marriage really does have its bad times. You’ve heard it before. You probably even had someone write it on a card they gave you at your wedding. But it really is true. Marriage really does have its bad times. And I don’t mean the bad times you see on TV where it gets solved in a half hour. Heck, it’s not even like the shows where the problems get solved in a few episodes. Marriage has low times that last for a while. And during those low times you question how you could ever feel so low, and whether you made the right choice or not.

But despite how low these bad times feel they are almost always followed by good times, too. These low times are learning times and can help you and your spouse address whatever it is that’s causing the problems so you can have an even healthier and happier relationship.

5) Marriage is the most rewarding thing. A couple of years ago, on a plane back from a conference, I sat next to perhaps the most interesting guy I’ve ever met. He was an older gentleman getting close to retirement. He told me about some of the life struggles he and his wife went through with their family and kids. In the end, he told me that if he never had kids he could have been a millionaire years ago – but he’d rather have the kids.

Today, I say the same thing about marriage. If I never got married I could have done (insert x, y or z here) but I’d rather be married. There’s nothing like feeling the love that comes from marriage. There’s nothing like feeling unconditionally loved by another human being. And there’s nothing like feeling that safety that comes from being able to love another human being unconditionally. Without marriage, I would never know how to love. And that love is the most rewarding thing.

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

12 Weeks to a Happier Marriage: Week 1

**Welcome to week one of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me here weekly as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.**

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I’m not quite sure where I was when I first had this realization.  Maybe it was in the Philippines after interviewing a couple who’d just celebrated their 50th anniversary.  

Perhaps it was in Perth, Australia following back-to-back interviews with two happily married couples who have both been in love longer than I’ve been alive.

Somewhere between Asia and the South Pacific, I had this huge aha moment.  

I’d traveled all over the world, to interview happily married couples before realizing they were all sharing one marriage secret I’d never heard about.  Quite frankly, I don’t even think most of them took note that they did it.

I thought, How is it possible that couples on 6 different continents were all doing this one thing, and yet, most couples married less than 20 years -including Keith and I- don’t even know about it?

Prior to getting married, I heard from many the importance of a weekly date night.  I bet you’ve heard that many times too.  And yes, that is hugely important whenever possible.  Yet, many of these happily married couples I interviewed didn’t go on weekly dates.  

However, what each of them did instead, I’ve come to believe to be an even better way to stay connected.

Every couple I’ve interviewed (happily married 25-plus years) -from North America to South America, Africa to Europe, Asia to Australia- has a daily ritual.  They make the time to do something together…each and every day.

Nothing fancy.  No getting dressed up or spending money at a restaurant.  No spending hours in the kitchen trying to cook the perfect meal or dusting off the china.  What these couples did were simple.  It had been a part of their marriages for so long, some didn’t even realize they had a daily ritual until I pointed it out to them.  It was simply a part of the fiber of their marriage.

Dot and Ken in Cape Town have been waking up every morning for more than twenty years and having what they called their “daily board meeting.”  Ken goes downstairs before dawn every morning and gets two cups of coffee.  Dot gets up and and opens the windows around their bedroom.  Then they both return to bed, backs against the headboard, and sip on their cups of coffee while watching the sun rise.  They  discuss their schedules for the day and anything else on their minds. 

They do this every morning.

Miriam and Efi have been enjoying port and appetizers together every night before dinner for decades.  A tradition they began in Israel and continued once they moved to the US.  While their three kids were growing up, they knew they’d be joined by mom and dad for dinner around the table but the pre-dinner part…they weren’t invited to that.  And like Dot and Ken, the purpose of this time was simply to connect.  To share what was going on in their collective worlds, at work, with the kids, with extended family and friends.  

Around the globe, I began hearing story after story of daily rituals from couples whose marriages were so beautiful I stood in awe.  A time set aside daily simply to connect with one another.  Nothing was off limits.  They shared each other’s dreams and life’s hopes.  Discovering how so many successful marriages from earlier generations include this made me wonder, How would my marriage improve if I added a daily ritual?  

After two years, I can tell you, it changes everything…for the better.  If this isn’t already a part of your marriage, I encourage you to make the time to add it.  It may mean going on a television fast during the week so you can go to sleep and wake up earlier.  It could mean figuring out a way to connect for a walk around the park daily at the end of your day.  

Before I knew about this marriage tip, Keith and I were completely in love and loved being married, but had also allowed our work schedules to dictate our lives.  We were often so exhausted at the end of the day, all we could do was collapse into each other’s arms.  But this marriage principle takes intentionality.  As the saying goes, “You will never drift together, you will only drift apart.”

Here are 3 things having a daily ritual in marriage can do for you:

1. Keeps you connected.  When you make a commitment to do something together, each and every day, for the express purpose of connecting, guess what happens?  You begin to connect on a level you never even knew possible.  Every hope and dream, you lay it out there.  And then you think of ways you can help each other achieve those dreams.  There are no rules to when, where or what you do for your daily ritual.  It’s completely up to you.  But putting aside at least 15 minutes a day (Keith and I wake up early so we can have 45 minutes at the top of the morning) will draw you closer to one another than you ever knew possible.  

2. Builds trust like nothing else.  When you begin the day talking about everything on your schedules that day or conclude it recapping everything that went on within it, there is no place in your head for those voices that enter so many, “I wonder what he’s doing?  Why hasn’t he called?”  When there is nothing left unsaid between you, trust pillars are added on top of the foundation of your marriage to build up the house your marriage has built.

3. Gives you a structured support system.  Knowing you have someone to talk to about anything, at a set time each day, gives you a feeling of comfort and support.  You’re never carrying anything around with you.  Keith and I always tease that our rug stays clean because we refuse to sweep anything under it.  We talk about everything, and I mean everything, and having this time set aside each day ensures we have the time to do just that.

YOUR TURN: Do you have a daily ritual?  And if you don’t, what do you think implementing one can do for your marriage?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Take Your Marriage From Good to Great in 12 Weeks!

If you could take your marriage from good to great or from great to extraordinary in 12 weeks or less, would you invest the time?

Well, that’s what we’ll be doing beginning this Wednesday night.

Every week, I will post the most important marriage tips I’ve discovered since starting the Happy Wives Club with a series entitled, 12 Weeks to a Happier Marriage.  

For the past ten years, I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing (and spending thousands of hours with), some of the happiest couples in the world.  

The kind of couples who, after 25 years of marriage, still gaze into each other’s eyes, are visibly best friends, and are fond of saying, “please” and “thank you” to one another on a regular basis.

Just being in their presence made me want to pull out a pen and pad and write down everything they have to say.  Each word, like a rare jewel of immeasurable value, was worth me recording.

Earlier this year, when I released the story of my journey in the book, Happy Wives Club, I knew it would transform marriages in every country it reached.  

I was confident of this because I wasn’t giving my own advice on marriage but rather sharing that of those who have been successfully and happily married for decades longer than me.

Although I’d discovered so much, I didn’t want to write a “how to” manual.  This was important to me because I’m not a marriage expert; I’m an intentional learner.  

Each lesson I’ve learned along this journey, as well as so much more I’ve discovered in my own marriage and from other happily married couples over the years, has convinced me that every marriage can benefit from learning from other successful ones that have been at it much longer.

It is with this in mind that I’m excited to bring you this upcoming series.  Why 12 weeks instead of 12 days?  I realize more would likely join me for this series if it were for 12 days.  But it’s hard to sustain lasting change when you’ve only had one day to learn how to apply a new principle in your marriage before moving on to the next one.  That’s why I’ve broken it up into one principle per week.

Every Wednesday night, I will publish the marriage principle for that week and it will remain on the home page until Friday.  So “favorite” this post in your browser or save it to your Pinterest or Facebook walls to remind you to return every Wednesday night (or Thursday) for the next 12 weeks.

For our first post in the series, I’ll be sharing the one principle I’d never even heard about until I discovered EVERY happily married couple I’d interviewed had been doing it for decades.  I called Keith from the other side of the world and said, “We have to do this.  Let’s think of a great way to incorporate this into our own lives.”  Now, that we’ve continued it for the past two years, I don’t know how we ever lived without doing it.  You don’t want to miss this!

If you want to get a head start on some of what I’ll be sharing, or learn the behind the scenes stories of couples who taught these lessons, make sure to order a copy of Happy Wives Club.  But whether or not you have the book, I assure you, the next 12 weeks will transform your marriage if you commit to meet me here each week.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Are You a Gift Seeker for Your Husband?

A few weeks ago, I had breakfast with a wonderful friend.  Actually, it was a double date.  Keith and I on one side of the table with Carolyn and Bob on the other.  

As we sat across from one another, enjoying our eggs and toast, Carolyn began to share with us the amazing gifts she’d discovered since being diagnosed with nasopharyngeal cancer.

She’d already begun losing hearing in her left ear and learned from her doctor that, post surgery, all of her hearing in that ear would be lost.

“But so many great things have come from this,” she told us while smiling.  

She’d gone to church for the first time in many years.  She and Bob had grown close to several couples there and enjoying time with them brought a sense of comfort and community.

“She’s been talking to her sister,” Bob interjected.  ”They actually have a relationship again,” he said proudly.  ”I’m Carolyn’s ‘gift seeker’.  I look for the gifts in everything that’s going on to help her through this time of change.”

The moment he said that, I gave Keith’s leg -where my hand had been resting- a little bit of a squeeze.  ”I love that!  You’re her gift seeker.”  Then I immediately turned inward, as I usually do, and thought, Am I a gift seeker for Keith?

When he’s having a challenging day at work, can he always count on me to look for the gifts in it all?  Rather than trying to help him solve the problem or come up with a solution, why not make it my mission to look for the gifts in the situation to help turn his day around as quickly as possible?

As Bob continued listing many of the gifts they’d discovered throughout this trial, I realized, Carolyn was in the best place I’d ever known her to be and I’ve known her for close to 10 years.  Her spirit radiated gratefulness.  Her heart was at peace.  And she got there, in part, because Bob determined from the offset of her diagnoses that he would seek out -and find- every gift there was to be found in Carolyn’s life.  And he would continue to remind her of these things daily.

Could I call myself a “gift seeker” for Keith at that moment when I was inspecting my heart over breakfast that Saturday morning?  Maybe.  But I knew I wasn’t intentional about it.  I’m working on that now and if you ask me about this in a month, I hope to proudly declare, “Yes, I am my husband’s gift seeker!”

YOUR TURN: Are you a gift seeker for your husband?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

 

THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.

5 Discoveries That Made My Marriage Stronger

A few weeks ago, while in Minneapolis, I met a popular food blogger, Amanda Rettke.  

She was kind enough to join me for an event I hosted at the local Barnes & Noble.  While there, I searched for a copy of her recently released book, Surprise-Inside Cakes.

Now, if you know me, you know I do very little baking (unless you consider picking a dessert up from Whole Foods and popping it in my oven baking).  But her book cover really drew me in and made me want to try one of the unique recipes.

In looking at all the layers and the delicious icing on the cake, for some reason, my mind immediately went to marriage.

An odd combination, I know.  But I love serving this community so I look for great lessons in marriage just about everywhere I turn.  And if I’ve learned anything in my 10 years of marriage, and nearly 38 years of life, it’s that there is a lesson to be learned in everything.  

Here are the 5 discoveries Amanda made about her own marriage while writing her delicious book.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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When I wrote my recently released book, Surprise-Inside Cakes, I had no idea I’d really be the one in for a surprise.  Writing that book led me to 5 discoveries that made my marriage stronger.

Once you read my five discoveries, I challenge you to spend a couple minutes thinking about five discoveries of your own.  What are some of the things that have made your marriage stronger over the years?

1. We Are a Team:  It wasn’t always this way.  As a matter of fact, it used to be ‘my way or the highway’.  That (most obviously) got us into a really bad place and we eventually sought out help and support.  

One wise friend asked, “Are you two on the same page?“  Such a simple question that offered up some significant insight.  The answer was no.  But we wanted to be, and therefore we made the effort to be.

When the opportunity to write this book was presented it all happened very, very quickly.  Even though my book is about cakes, making cakes, decorating cakes, decorating the inside of cakes, sharing my love and passion for all things surprise-inside cakes… everything that my husband does NOT do, I could not have done it without him.  As a team we tackled the long nights of me working in the kitchen while he did bedtime routines.  As a team we figured out the financial sacrifices that had to be made.  And as a team we celebrated the first milestone.  (With cake of course.)

2. Leaning on Him Makes Me Stronger: This was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, and honestly is one that I continue to struggle with. Crying into my husbands shoulder offered me no comfort, I was convinced he would see me as weak and pathetic.  But it is in his nature to want to protect me and shelter me.  He couldn’t always solve my problems, but he most certainly wanted to be given the opportunity to try.

3. Having a Mutual Value System is Key: At the end of the day, after all the trials and tribulations, we needed common ground.  For us it was our faith.  We both feel so strongly in who we want to be in this world, but yet have very, VERY different approaches in how to achieve that.  I am more in-your-face, while he is a quiet (but oh so effective) leader.  Having a mutual ground, or place where our visions intertwined reminded me of my purpose when I would veer off course.

4. Listening to Him is Beneficial:  When I was making the 20th cake in 5 days and it was 11pm, and I had been on my feet for 14 hours straight, and things were not turning out, I would often turn to my husband.  I would ask him “Why isn’t this cake working?” and of course he wouldn’t know.  But what he did know is that I needed someone to hear me.  That I needed someone to ask me questions.  That I needed his perspective on the whole.  Thinking through him helped me regain my vision.

5. Our Time Together is Precious:  Hearing a word like DEADLINE on a regular basis can often mean that time is focused on the task at hand.  Which also meant that time with my husband was put last on the list of priorities. The book needed to be written.  The pictures needed to be taken. The kids needed support or meals or to be driven places.  There was always a need, but simply being there for my husband wasn’t one of them.

But I was wrong, there IS ALWAYS a need to remain present in our love.

You have to MAKE time together and be intentional with your relationship. Even in the middle of deadlines and school functions.  Share a kiss and a grateful hug.  Make sure your spouse knows they are appreciated!  Even better, plan a date.  You would be surprised how refreshing a romantic date is in the midst of a trial!

I was reminded of a quote I heard in church.

“You will never drift together, you will only drift apart.”

Having the opportunity to share my passions with the world is truly a dream come true.  I wanted to spend time on it.  I treated it like a treasure! I am so grateful for my understanding and supportive husband throughout the entire process.

Looking back I now can see that every trial that arose in the process has brought my husband and I closer together.  And for that, I am so thankful!

I am so excited to share this book with the world, and so thankful that I get to do it with my husband by my side.

Please do head on over to amazon and check out the book, it’s available for Kindle (for 60% off!) and in hardcover!

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

4 Ways Loving Your Spouse Benefits Your Kids

If you’ve been visiting Happy Wives Club for some time, you probably already know Keith and I do not have children.  And you also know, that’s certainly not due to a lack of trying.

Parenthood simply hasn’t joined us on our journey of life but we still hold out hope.

I mention this because the times I’ve published contributor posts about parenthood, I’ve immediately received notes from happy wives who were not mothers and felt left out.  

If that is you, feel free to click the link above for a post I wrote on this recently.  You can also read one of my favorites on this site for encouragement in this area, Happy With My Family of Two.

And if you are one of the many included in this community with children, this post is especially for you.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day! 

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My sweet six-year-old daughter, Bella, approached with a folded color sheet in her hand and a twinkle in her eye. “I made something for you and Daddy!”

I opened it and found a picture of Cinderella and Prince Charming. Bella giggled. “You and Daddy kiss like that!” Joy beamed from her face.

I’ve been married for almost twenty-four years, and I do my best to love my husband for our sake . . . but I’m just starting to understand how loving my spouse—in front of my kids—benefits my kids too!

4 Ways Loving Your Spouse Benefits Your Kids

Displayed love gives our children stability. Our three young kids love to see John and me kiss, and it makes sense. We are their world. The stability of their home, their future, and their peace depends on their dad and me. John and I love each other. We display that in many wonderful ways when our kids aren’t around . . . but our kids need to see our hugs and kisses too. They find stability from that. They find peace from that.

Displayed love gives our children a pattern to follow. Kids live what they see. They will approach relationships the way they see us approaching them. What does a healthy relationship look like? They will understand this by seeing it in us. Love—they will discover by watching—is more than just hugs and kisses, but also kind words, helpful gestures, and tender care in other numerous ways.

Displayed love will help your children understand gender differences. Men and women are different and unique. John and I display our love in front of our kids in different ways. John often grabs me up in the kitchen and gives me a big smooch. I show my love by words of respect, cooking a nice meal, or offering to run an errand for him.

When our kids see love displayed differently by their mom and their dad, they start to understand how genders complement each other. This doesn’t mean I never grab John up for a kiss, or John never cooks a meal for me (they both happen), but generally we show love in different ways.

Displayed love will help your children see the value of marriage. In a world that says marriage is an out-of-date concept and living together is now the norm, love displayed between parents is real-life evidence to the contrary. Children grow to see marriage as something to plan for and desire.

Having a positive attitude toward marriage will change a million little decisions along the way as they grow. It’ll impact who they date, how they date, and what they look for in the people they date. It will impact how they live out their marriage (even that oft times tough first year). Our children will set a higher standard because they’ve seen what to aspire to in your marriage.

YOUR TURN: What about you? What additional ways do you think loving your spouse benefits your kids? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Have You Ever Felt Distant From Your Spouse? Read This!

Today, is the final day of our 5-day marriage series with #1 New York Times best-selling authors, Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.  

I hope you have truly enjoyed this series.  And if you missed any of the days, I’ll include the links here so you can get to them easily:

Day 1: The Fastest Way to Overcome Any Misunderstanding

Day 2: One Thing You Need to Know When Creating Happiness

Day 3: Do You Have an Emotionally Generous Marriage?

Day 4: 5 Proven Happiness Boosters for Couples

And today, they’re speaking specifically to those of you who want to be happy but at the moment feel distant from your spouse.

If this doesn’t describe you and your spouse, great! Please share this with a wife who can benefit from it.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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We were having lunch with Jim and Karen at Chinooks, a favorite restaurant with one of our favorite couples. As we got settled into our booth and were perusing our menus, Jim said he had a question for us: “What makes you cry?”

Les nearly did a spit-take with his glass of water. “What are you talking about?” Les asked, thinking Jim was joking around.

“I’m dead serious,” Jim continued. “What pains you right now?”

He went on to say that everyone, if you scratch the surface, has something that could make them cry, if not literally, figuratively.

For Jim, a former football player, it was a relationship struggle he was having with his college-age son.

For Karen it was the painful divorce her sister was going through.

Needless to say, the conversation got serious. I (Leslie) talked about my mom who suffers from brittle diabetes and is facing some tough days ahead. Les said he still wants to cry about not having his dad to talk with, five years after his father passed away.

“Where’d you come up with this question?” Les asked Jim.

That’s when Jim and Karen told us about the three questions they’d started asking each other about once a month. They told us these questions were helping them connect at a deeper level than ever before.

We’ve been using them in our marriage ever since. In fact, they’ve become such a great tool for us, we’ve highlighted them in our new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage.

Here they are:

• “What do you dream about?” It’s been said that to understand the mind of someone you can look at what they have already achieved. But to understand someone’s heart you’ll want to discover what they dream about. Do you know what your partner dreams most about these days?

• “What do you cry about?” When you know where your partner carries their pain, what makes them hurt, you can’t help but to understand their heart at the deepest levels. What hurts are they carrying right now?

• “What do you sing about?” When you know what brings joy to your partner, you know where they draw their strength. What is your partner singing about this week? What’s bringing them the most happiness?

Of course, these three questions don’t have to be literal. Just use them to structure a meaningful conversation when the time is right. We’ve been asking them of each other around the first week of each month. It’s been a great way to stay connected.

We can tell you from personal experience, when you have a bit of time and a desire to go deeper, these three questions are sure to take you there.

YOUR TURN:  What questions do you ask your husband to go deeper? You can respond in the comments section below.

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5 Proven Happiness Boosters for Couples

Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott make a confession at the start of their guest post below.  So I thought it only right that I make a confession of my own.

We are on day four of our Making Happy marriages series with only one day remaining, and this post so far, is my favorite.

This amazing couple and #1 New York Times best-selling authors give us a peak into their own marriage, and how these 5 proven happiness boosters for couples, improved their marriage.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

___________

We’ve got a confession to make. When we wrote Making Happy, we wrote it for ourselves.  Not that we were unhappy in our marriage. Not by a long shot.

We’re coming up on our 30th anniversary and could not be more grateful for our relationship. It’s been a blast. But we are maximizers. We want it to be the best it can be. And if there’s more happiness that can be had – the deep, meaningful, and abiding kind – count us in.

So we set off on a quest. We wanted to climb the gargantuan mountain of happiness research and see what we could find specifically for us. Well, we hit the mother-load.

We uncovered several counter-intuitive things we could do to take our happiness to new heights.

We put them into practice. They not only worked, they worked near miracles. We soon saw that just a minor adjustment could make a world of difference – not just to better our mood, but to better our relationship.

That’s why we’re so excited to share the news with couples like you. We want to show you how to make happy together.

It’s easier than you might think.

Here’s just a bit on the “happiness boosters” that have proven to move the needle in our relationship and we’re confident they’ll do the same for you.

1.  Get Grateful

Dr. Robert Emmons – who has been studying gratitude for more than a decade and is considered by many to be the world’s leading authority on it – says this: Studies show that practicing gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25 percent. Think of that! Gratitude can instantly and measurably improve your relationship. We dare you to think of three things right now that you are deeply grateful for in your spouse. It’s sure to instantly make you happier.

2. Get Out of Your Rut

Dinner and a movie again? That’s fun. But researchers at State University of New York at Stony Brook tested to see what happens when you get couples to break the monotony of married life, specifically testing would it rekindle romance and boost their happy factor.

They had half of their recruited couples do a mundane activity together while the others did a crazy obstacle course while connected to each other by Velcro. Was there a difference between the two groups? You bet. The Velcro couples made far more positive comments and reported being happier.

3. Dream Together

The moment a couple quits looking to the future together is the moment they become vulnerable to dissatisfaction. This is not a sentimental saying. It’s backed up by research. A survey of more than 1,400 married people by Utah State University found that couples who regularly discuss their long-range plans are more likely to stay happily married. Why? Because talking about your shared future communicates that you both plan on being there together.

4. Master the Magic Ratio

In scientific studies of marriage it’s literally called the Michelangelo effect. In subtle ways, we reinforce patterns in each other via countless little interactions – positive or negative moments. That sculpting can either reveal more of your partner by celebrating who he or she is or it can hold them captive.

Happy relationships, noted psychologist John Gottman, are characterized by a ratio of 5:1. This means that for every negative statement or behavior like criticizing or nagging, there must be five positive statements given. Gottman calls it “the magic ratio” and he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15-minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94 percent accuracy.

5. Be Intimate

Perhaps the lamest excuse we ever hear for a couple getting a divorce is, “We just seemed to drift apart.” Excuse us, but there is no drifting. It is a series of decisions, choices, and attitudes that distance a couple. “It is not a lack of love,” said Friedrich Nietzche, “but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Incidentally, the social scientific evidence clearly shows that the vast majority of divorces occur in relatively low-conflict marriages. A malaise in marriage sets in. And that’s due to a lack of emotional intimacy. It turns out after reviewing hundreds of research studies on the various factors that predict stable, happy marriages, scientists are converging on an unexpected primary factor: friendship. In fact, emotional intimacy of friendship trumps romance.

Gallup’s research indicates that a couple’s friendship quality could account for 70 percent of overall marital satisfaction. In fact, the emotional intimacy that a married couple shares is said to be five times more important than their physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is one of the most vital wellsprings of happiness a couple can ever find.

You’ll find more about all of these tips and many, many more in our new book, Making Happy. Not only that, we’ll provide you with a 21-Day Happiness Plan that makes it super easy to put all of it painlessly into practice.

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Do You Have an Emotionally Generous Marriage? (Try These 4 Steps)

Time sure flies by when you’re enjoying a good read!

I can’t believe we’re already at day 3 of our 5-part marriage series hosted by #1 New York Times bestselling authors of Making Happy, Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.

I got a sneak peak at day 45′s post and if you’ve ever felt distant from your spouse, or know someone experiencing that right now, make sure to return here tomorrow Friday at the same time.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

___________

We were sitting in an airport terminal last week and observed an older couple waiting to board the same plane. She leaned over and asked him a question, looking directly into his eyes.

We didn’t hear what either of them said, but he smiled and patted her on the knee. A minute later, she got up and brought him a cup of coffee. He looked surprised and delighted. 

It wasn’t dramatic. In fact, it was barely perceptible. But this couple did something we uncovered this past year while researching our new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage. And this little something makes a huge difference.

 What did they do?

 They demonstrated what some call “the best marital life insurance policy there is” – small acts of emotional generosity.

Researchers from the University of Virginia recently studied generosity, defined as “giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly,” in nearly 3,000 marriages.

They were looking for small acts of service, like making them coffee in the morning or offering a little back rub — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners.

 The bottom line?

Couples who are emotionally generous with each other are the happiest couples on the planet. In fact, the more generous they are with each other, the happier they become.

We don’t know about you, but this news inspired us. We want an emotionally generous marriage. And if we’re honest, we’ve got a long way to go on that front.

 We’re still working on it but we’re getting better.

 Much better.

 How? We’re practicing the principles we’ve learned. 

Four Principles for an Emotionally Generous Marriage:

1. Put away the measuring scales or the scoreboard.

If you’re keeping track of who gets what (“he went golfing so I’m buying new shoes”) you’ll never get there. As Saint Theresa observed, “When one loves, one does not calculate.”

2. Focus on what your spouse likes.

If you know it would mean a lot to your partner to gas up the car or turn down the bed or sweep the porch or watch a particular movie or play a video game together, then that’s where you want to put your energy. Generosity works best when it signals to your spouse that you know them and their personal desires.

3. Don’t neglect the intangibles.

Sometimes a spirit of generosity is found when we give our spouse the benefit of the doubt by not questioning their reasoning. It’s also found when we give our spouse credit for a good idea. And it’s certainly found when we give our time. A generous spirit simply sets selfishness aside and gives.

4. Give without expecting anything in return.

 This is crucial. Generosity is never a down payment on a gift you’re wanting. Generosity is only as valid as the motivation behind it. It must come from the heart with no strings attached. To paraphrase Bob Hope, if your generosity does not come from your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

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One Thing You Need to Know When Creating Happiness in Marriage

Happy Tuesday!  Today, we’re continuing our fabulous, Making Happy, 5-day marriage series based on the book of #1 New York Times® best-selling authors, Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.

I just read the post they sent us for tomorrow and it’s just as good as this one.  I sure hope you’re enjoying this series!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

____________

We had just finished speaking at a camp in the San Juan Islands when a small plane buzzed overhead and landed on a nearby airstrip.

A few minutes later the pilot was flying us over the islands of Puget Sound and we were approaching the lights of a local airport.

“The most important thing about landing is the attitude of the plane,” said the pilot.

“You mean altitude, don’t you?” we asked.

“No,” the pilot explained. “The attitude has to do with the nose of the plane. If the attitude is too high the plane will come down with a severe bounce. And if the attitude is too low the plane may go out of control.”

Then the pilot said something that really got our attention:

“The trick is to get the right attitude in spite of atmospheric conditions.”

Without knowing it, our pilot had given us a perfect analogy for creating happiness in marriage — developing the right attitude in spite of our circumstances.

In fact, while we were writing our new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage, the most amazing fact we learned about happiness in marriage – the one that has impacted our own marriage more than any other – is this:

Only 10% of a person’s happiness has to do with their circumstances.

That’s all. Just 10%!

We all think we’ll be happier if we get a better job, more money, a nicer home, cool vacations, and all the rest. But that’s not where our happiness is found.

The majority of our happiness has little to do with circumstances and far more to do with deciding to be happy in spite of our circumstances.

It’s what Abe Lincoln was getting at when he said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

So true.

It is no accident that some couples that encounter marital turbulence navigate it successfully while others in similar circumstances are dominated by frustration, disappointment and eventual despair.

And it is no accident that some couples are positive and happy while other couples are beaten down and defeated.

Researchers who have searched for the difference between the two have come up with all kinds of correlates to marital success. They point to long courtships, having similar backgrounds, supportive families, good communication, and so on.

But the bottom line is that happy couples decide to be happy.

In spite of whatever life deals them, they make happiness a habit.

YOUR TURN:  How do you make happiness a habit in your marriage? Tell us in the comment section below.

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The Fastest Way to Overcome Any Misunderstanding (3 Easy Tips)

I’ve been waiting for this 5-day marriages series for a couple months now.  

Excited to bring you two marriage experts that I have come to know and love for two reasons: 1) Their love for each other; and 2) Their ability to work together to help others improve their marriages.

This week, Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, are releasing their brand new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage, so I asked them to take over the Happy Wives Club site for the entire week and share some of the wisdom they’re teaching in this book.

I’ve never done this before, allowed someone to hijack the home page of HappyWivesClub.com for a 5-day series, but hopefully once this week is concluded, you’ll be so happy I did.

As soon as I started reading Making Happy I knew it was going to be helpful to couples everywhere.  While flipping through the introduction, something jumped out at me, “Marriage doesn’t make you happy–you make your marriage happy.”

Sometimes it’s just helpful for us to, not only be reminded of what it takes to create a happy marriage, but the actual science behind those principals.  Happy marriages are are not by happenstance.  They are created and cherished.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

______________

John, our teenager, was looking forward to a weekend event with his buddies at church. But he never got to go. Why? Because each of us thought the other had submitted the payment. But neither of us had. And it was too late. All the spots were filled. John wasn’t happy and our marriage was feeling the pain.

“You always take care of that stuff,” Les exclaimed.

“But this was something you and John talked about.”

“I know but I still thought you had the paperwork to fill out,” Les protested.

“I did but you could have done it.”

We blamed each other for a few moments and then one of us said, “Okay, I can see why you thought I was taking care of it.”

Sigh.

That was that.

Chalk it up to a simple misunderstanding.

Every marriage is full of them. Right? They’re endemic. And if any couple says they don’t have many misunderstandings, they’re misunderstanding the question.

Misunderstandings are a part of every married couple’s life. And if we don’t learn how to manage them, they manage us and we’ll soon be embroiled in perpetual conflict.

In fact, misunderstandings are one of the most common roadblocks to happiness in marriage. We discovered this fact while writing our new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage. If you’re looking for happiness in love, you won’t find it with two people who feel misunderstood.

Misunderstandings are exasperating for the simple fact that both sides see it from their angle only.

The solution?

It’s simple.

It only takes one person to put their perspective on hold and see the issue from their partner’s point of view. That’s all. If one person does this, the misunderstanding is resolved, the tension eases, and life moves forward.

Easy peasy.

It only takes one person to turn around a misunderstanding by honoring the other’s perspective. That’s what the Apostle Paul was getting at when he said, “Honor one another above yourselves.”

When we honor our spouse we have an internal attitude of respect and courtesy. But it’s more than lip service.

So how do we do this?

Here’s Three Tips to Overcome Any Misunderstanding:

• Press your mental “pause” button. If you ever want to circumvent misunderstanding, you have to stand back, cool down, and be objective. You can’t turn it around by staying hot and bothered.

• Use your head. Be objective and ask what it would be like to literally be in your spouse’s shoes. After a day like they’ve had, what would it feel like to be in their skin? This will take some effort but try your best.

• Use your heart. Feel your partner’s feelings. How? Say something like, “Are you feeling like I’m belittling you right now?” And listen. Listen aggressively – not just to the words but the feelings underneath them.

Do these three things and you can’t help but honor your partner with respect. You can’t help but to change your perspective because you’ll see the issue through your partner’s eyes.

 And here’s a secret – your new perspective is contagious. So don’t be surprised when your spouse does the same for you.

YOUR TURN:  How do you overcome your misunderstandings?  You can respond below.

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The Greatest Gift of Marriage Can Be Most Clearly Seen in Tough Times

Yesterday, I sat balled up on the couch, nauseous, and wanting nothing more than to go to go to bed and remain there all day.

It was a tough day.

Hormones pumping through my body, a combination of Clomiphone and estrogen.  Our third fertility treatment would happen tomorrow so excitement abounded.  But first, I needed to get through the nausea of the day.

As always, there he stood.  My knight in shining armor.  My best friend in this life.  There he was to encourage me, to hold me in his arms.  To remind me that everything happens for a reason and although our journey to parenthood has been a long and windy road, it’s all been worth it.

We’ve grown from the challenge.  With every failed pregnancy test, we’ve reassured each other that if it is meant to be it will happen.

When we weren’t sure if having children on our own was possible, we decided to adopt.  When we met the pregnant mother of our soon-to-be adopted daughter, joy filled our hearts.  

Months later -after the baby’s room had been painted a beautiful shade of jasmine yellow, plush carpet we’d spent time rolling on in the store was installed, and the sturdy hand-me-down baby crib from our godson was brought- the child’s mom decided to keep her child at the last moment.  

We were stunned.

We all drove to San Diego -Keith, me and Keith’s parents- to go to the doctor with the woman who was carrying our soon-to-be adopted child.  We were excited to see the ultrasound of the baby we would soon be taking home.  Instead, we returned to Los Angeles with empty hearts, following a call from the agency to advice that the mom had decided to keep the baby.

It was her child to raise.  We respected her decision.  And then resumed our attempts of conceiving with the help of a fertility doctor.

Now, a couple of failed attempts later, I sit on the couch writing this post full of hope.  I am hopeful that the child I’ve longed to have for more than 16 years, has been conceived.  When the doctor looked at all the healthy eggs my ovaries released today (thanks to the added hormones), he assured us that we’ve got a great chance of a child coming alive in my stomach this month.

I don’t know what will happen.  I won’t know for several weeks if this fertility treatment worked.  What I do know is no matter what happens, Keith and I will just keep trying.  And while we’re trying, we will continue loving.

We’re a team.  Sometimes we win.  Sometimes we lose.  But whatever we do, whatever we experience, we do it together.  Every desire, every hope, every dream – they are ours to desire, hope and dream together.  And if we weren’t meant to have children -that is God’s decision to make not ours- we decided long ago that we would be perfectly happy with our family of two.

There are many wonderful things about marriage, but this remains my favorite: having a partner on this road called life.  This is, I believe, the greatest gift of marriage.  And although tough times may cause us to grapple with some loses, as long as we do it together, we will prevail in the end.

The journey is, at times, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, winding roads and potholes.  But we’re on this journey together.  We are a team.  We will win together.  We will lose together.  And in the end, if we can remain a team, we will be victorious.

If we can remember that two are better than one and a team in sync will always win, child or no child, we will succeed. In the end, for those who stay the course, you always win.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day! 

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE BOOK For other secrets of couples happily married, and how you can be too, make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I traveled to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to figure out what makes marriages happy.  It’s a marriage book line none other you’ve read before. I guarantee it.

5 Special Gifts for National Husband’s Day

On January 22, 2014, we sponsored an unofficial new holiday: National Husband’s Day. A special day set aside for the nearly 1 million women in the Happy Wives Club community to celebrate our husbands.

Initially, my hope was we’d be able to get a government official to proclaim the day on our behalf. Our team began working on that and quickly realized the many complications of getting a date named as a holiday officially. But who needs official?

National Peanut Butter Day is one of my absolute favorite holidays. No government official has yet to recognize that officially but that doesn’t stop me from indulging in a few more spoonfuls of that tasty stuff just at the mention of its national holiday.

So let’s celebrate our special day together!

To make it easy, we’ve come up with 5 special (and free) gifts you can give your husband today to commemorate the occasion.

1. Print this certificate. If you didn’t get a chance to print this off last year, you may still want to print it now to let your husband know you’re a proud member of this club and because of his love, you’ve sponsored this day honoring him. This is the original sponsorship certificate so it includes the original 2014 date. Here is one dated for 2015.

2. Customize this proclamation. If you printed the above certificate last year as one of the original sponsors of National Husband’s Day (or even if you didn’t), we’ve created a customizable proclamation for you to give your husband this year. Customize it. Print it out (legal size paper). Frame it. Then deliver to him a gift sure to make him proud. (If your computer doesn’t allow you to customize the PDF, print this one to handwrite his name and your name instead).

3. Print a customized Book of Love. This fantastic DIY coupon book from The Dating Divas is something sure to knock your husband’s socks off. Surprise him with this creative book that gives him all the things he wants most…one coupon at a time.

4. Write the perfect love letter. Have you ever written your husband a love letter? Not just a few words at the bottom of a card but actually write the card yourself? If not, today’s a pretty fantastic day to sharpen your writing skills. To make it easy, here are 7 ways to write the perfect love letter.

5. Spoil your spouse date night. There’s no better night than tonight to spoil your spouse. This date night is all about doing what your husband loves to do. No marital compromise here –this is his night!

Any excuse to celebrate those fabulous hubbies of ours is a good enough excuse for me.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

We’re SO close to our goal! JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.