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Increase Your Happiness by Learning to Fight Fair in Marriage

*Welcome to week five of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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There are a few schools of thought when it comes to arguing in marriage.

Some say it is abnormal if you don’t. Others believe it is possible, with the one you love most, to get your point across without pointing fingers.

Either way, there are so many great nuggets of wisdom to be gained by this post by power couple, Byron & Annett Davis.

Welcome to week five of our 12 Weeks to a Happier Marriage series (and if you’re wondering why this is a week late…charge it to my head not my heart).

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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It’s natural, and inevitable that at some point you and your spouse will have a little spat.

Disagreements are normal because, as humans, we all bring different perspectives and experiences to a situation. These differences in view point will naturally create disconnects in communication and understanding.

Resent research reveals that couples who have small disagreements on a regular basis tend to avoid big divisive arguments in the long run.

The reason is simple; small verbal disagreements can actually help couples keep lines of communication open, and honest.  If… they know how to fight fair.

In this post we came up with 10 important practices that we found helps us to not have big battles, and how we’ve learned to communicate to keep our marriage happily in tact. 

We wanted this to be sort of a “he says – she says” post, so Byron’s points have a (B) and Annett’s have an (A) in front of them. We hope this helps you continue on your journey to happily ever after.

How to Increase Your Happiness by Learning to Fight Fair in Marriage

5 Tips for Staying Happily Married During a Financial Rough Patch

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YOUR TURN: How have you stayed happily married during a financial rough patch?

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

Social Media and Your Marriage – How To Do It Right

Welcome to part-two of Maggie Reye’s “Electronics Policy for Your Marriage” posts.

If you’ve visited Happy Wives Club often over the years, you know we love Maggie Reyes of ModernMarried.com around these parts.  

Her practical and transparent posts are just one of the reasons.  Enjoy.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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In our last episode, ahem, blog post, we talked about setting up some guidelines for using electronics at home.

Before we dive into the deep blue waters of what to share and what not to share on social media, let’s look at some positive ways we can use electronics to connect with our honeys shall we?

First of all, let’s recognize that electronics – phones, tablets, computers etc are just tools. We can use them for good or for bad.

Texting is one of my favorite ways to stay connected to my hubby throughout the day when we are both busy and working.

Texting is a way of saying, “I am thinking about you. I love you. Let’s stay connected.”

My husband and I text once a day usually during lunch time. We are both busy and don’t want texting to be intrusive, just a loving reminder that we are in this together.

Webcams can be so useful if one of you is travelling. My favorite webcam story comes from a friend of mine who makes dinner then turns on the webcam and has dinner with her family hundreds of miles away. Whenever we travel for work, we webcam and it makes being away a lot easier.

One of my favorite things to see on the Happy Wives Club Facebook Page is husbands and wives tagging each other in posts or sharing on each other’s time lines. Facebook can be super romantic and loving and kind and we have evidence of that every day on the HWC page.

That being said  – we have all heard stories of over sharing on social media or someone connecting with a friend from high school who should have stayed in the past. We all know that person who was bad news then and is likely to be worse news now.

So now that we know those stories, we can totally create our own personal Facebook (or other media) sharing and friending rules to keep us both happy and married.

Here are some examples: 

>The way we make it work at my house is that the hubby has veto power whenever I want to share something personal.

>I tell him what I am sharing about and that includes him in the experience. It builds trust between the two of us for him to know, he is my first priority. It also builds connection as he gives his opinion and ideas over what to share.

>This will be different for every couple and each communication style, so I would recommend experimenting with this but it’s a great way to use social media to connect with each other first and then with your more extended friends, family and followers.

>I have a personal rule that has nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with my personal code of ethics, that I would never friend anyone who could potentially harm my relationship in anyway.

>If I have big news – the hubby is told first. Later I share it with my friends online. This is so huge because it’s how you connect every day that matters and how you share online or offline is really how you are prioritizing your life. So telling the hubby first, is not just about social sharing, it’s about prioritizing our marriage over all other relationships.

>Sometimes I also pause before I share something and ask myself “Whose story is this to tell?” If it’s my story, cool beans, but if it isn’t, I ask for permission, as in “Hey hubsicle, what you said just now was hilarious, can I post it so my friends can laugh too?” 

Social media changes daily, we are all learning how to manage it in our lives. We would love to know if you have tried something that worked really well for your relationship so we can add it to our marriage tool box.

YOUR TURN: What you are doing right with social media and your marriage? Why is it working for you? 

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

Kick Off the Weekend with This Awesome Activity (for Two)

Earlier this week, I came across an awesome marriage activity on a site I visit often and thought, “Our members would LOVE this!”

I immediately posted a note and asked the author, Lori Byerly, if she’d also share it with you.  I’m so happy she said yes!  I hope you enjoy this creative idea as much as I did.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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How would your husband answer this question?

Who is the most courageous person you have ever met?

Or this question?

What gift would you bring to your spouse in the hospital?

How would you answer it?

One important part of growing your marriage involves communicating often – big things, little things, silly things and important things too. It all adds up to knowing your spouse better and the knowing builds a sense of intimacy; a feeling of oneness.

So, in the interest of encouraging couples to build intimacy, I created a free download.

A Year of Questions for You and Your Spouse

There are 366 questions (an extra one for leap year).  Print out the .pdf (click on the link for it to open in your browser or “right click” on the link and save to your computer), cut the questions into strips, put them in a container (I used an almond jar from Costco) and each day pull out a question to share with your sweetie.

Have fun with it.  And it’s OK to change the question, add a question, create your own rules, and so on.  This is a fun way of exploring each other.  And while answering your questions, don’t forget to speak the truth in love and listen well.

Blessings, Lori <><

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Lori Byerly is the author of The Generous Wife  blog and co-founder of The Marriage Bed website. She lives with her husband of 28 years in the beautiful Northwest (USA). 

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

Could Your Marriage Benefit From an Electronics Policy?

One of the things that made me fall for Keith so many years ago was a simple act he didn’t even realize I noticed.  

Although he had a job that oversaw staff around the world, when we went out, his Blackberry always stayed in the car.

I, on the other hand, kept my cell phone turned on and although I didn’t check emails, I would respond to texts and calls from my business partner.  I also slept with my cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed.

It took me a while but I learned a much better way.  I finally adopted my husband’s “electronics policy,” as Maggie Reyes so wonderfully describes it in this post.  Thank goodness.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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I was telling my husband the other day that if 15 year old me met 40 year old me, she wouldn’t believe my life. So many things we take for granted now didn’t exist when we were growing up.

One of the fascinating things about adapting to new technology is what I call, “the Pendulum Period” we swing to too much, then we swing to too little, then, eventually we get it just right.

I remember watching an interview with some famous actress that said she didn’t watch any TV – ever. That’s just too much of too little in my book.

But over the years we have all figured out our television routine. We have collectively had enough time to experiment and find our happy medium.

Electronics and Social Media are the new television so to speak – and a lot of us have no idea what to do about them.

 As a Life Coach and Writer, I am on social media All.The.Time.

 As an IT guy, my hubby has yet to meet an electronic device that wasn’t worth investigating and (often) purchasing.

However when it comes to social media, he swings to the complete opposite end of that pendulum. He is completely off the grid. (Although I helped him create an Avatar so when he comments on posts, his face appears. Just the mere fact that I knew one IT-related thing that he didn’t gives me endless joy and pleasure!)

There is also a lot of doom and gloom out there about the dangers of texting and using Facebook to avoid connecting with our partners. But I believe we can use technology to connect to our spouses instead of disconnect from them.

Having a few guidelines and agreed ways to interact electronically can prevent problems before they happen.

Simple family or couple rules like – no phones at the dinner table or no computer after 10 pm can take the stress out of going back and forth every day on what to do. See that  pendulum again?!

I know it sounds just a little crazy, but some time to creating an Electronics Policy for your marriage can help avoid problems before they start.  

Here are 3 questions that can get you started – 

1. Is there anything I am doing now that you wish I would change or stop?

2. Should we have a phones/electronic devices off time?

3. Which electronics (if any) are allowed at bed time?

For example, the light from a tablet could disturb someone’s sleep, but an e-ink device like a Kindle Paperwhite might be okay.

Some professions are on call, so obviously turning off phones completely will vary based on your personal situation. The main thing is to start a conversation and get you both talking about what you like or don’t like so you can take action before it escalates.

One interesting story I heard recently is a consultant had clients calling her at all hours of the day and night so to create some boundaries around her time, she got a second cell phone – for family only and her work phone is turned off promptly at 6 every night.

That was one creative solution, but there are thousands depending on your personal and family needs.

When I started writing about his topic it was so huge I had to turn it into a two parter – because seriously – sharing (or over-sharing!) on social media is a topic unto itself – so stay tuned for that one coming to you on Monday.

YOUR TURN: Have you found a creative solution that has eased the tension of too much tech in your life?  Please share in the comments.

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

Want a Happier Marriage? Research Says Do This, Not That.

*Welcome to week four of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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Over the years, I’ve had the great pleasure of meeting so many happily married couples.  It seems like nearly every day, I bump into someone that reminds me happiness is not by happenstance, it is created.

Recently, on a press tour in Toronto, I was rushing from one appointment to the next when a gentleman in his early 70′s stopped me on my way out the door.  “I just celebrated our 55th anniversary.  Want to know our secret?”

Although I had somewhere else to be, I couldn’t help but to stop and listen.  I was meant to meet him, in that moment, and allow him to tell his story he was overjoyed to share.  

You wouldn’t believe how often I meet a married person who wants to share their enduring love story. And one commonality I have found among the vast majority of these couples, is they are a part of the second school of thought written about below.  

In the 4th installment to our 12 Weeks to a Happier Marriage series, HWC contributor, Kim Hall, shares why there are two schools of thought on this oh so important topic – and how one helps to create a happier marriage.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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There tends to be two opposing schools of thought on having great expectations.

The first recommends having no or low expectations. That way, you’ll never be disappointed, and when something good happens, you are always surprised. 

The second promotes shooting for the moon, as the old saying goes, because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

According to Cognitive Neuroscientist Tali Sharot, it turns out there is truth to that old saying. In her TED Talk The Optimism Bias, Sharot reports people who have great expectations always feel better overall.

In order for these high hopes to positively impact your marriage, however, there are a few important factors to keep in mind.

1. Set your expectations optimistically. Optimism, like its close sibling pessimism, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be sure your perspective is set to positive.

2. Share your expectations with your spouse. As Keith at Black and Married with Kids notes, unspoken expectations can wreak havoc on a marriage. Alternatively, when you share and agree upon your outlook, you have harnessed the Power of Two.

3. Enjoy the anticipation as well as the achievement. Nicholas Sparks said it best in Three Weeks with my Brother:  “Never forget that anticipation is an important part of life. Work’s important, family’s important, but without excitement, you have nothing. You’re cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what’s coming.”

4. Respond with ability, whatever the results. There may be setbacks along the way that require conversations and maybe even a change in plans. For those talks, bypass the arguments and get to the heart of the matter as Fawn recommends.  Developing and practicing an attitude of gratitude helps soften these challenges as well, helping to keep your mind and heart open to possibilities.

5. Learn from your experiences. Each time you go through this process, you gain more wisdom, knowledge, and practice. Take time to step back, ask yourselves what you could do differently and better the next time, and do just that.

Having great expectations for your marriage is not the wishful thinking of fairy tale land. Rather, it is a deep expression of your love and respect for each other.

As Earl Nightingale wrote, “You are, at this moment, standing, right in the middle of your own “acres of diamonds.”

It’s your marriage—make it shine!

Comment: What great expectations have made your marriage happier?

May you find happiness wherever you are!  Kim, your personal Sherpa of Joy at Too Darn Happy.

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

Creating the Marriage of Your Dreams (even when life begins as a nightmare)

For some, this will come as no surprise.  But for many, learning the happiness I enjoy in my life today was nowhere to be found throughout most of my childhood and teenage years, will catch them off guard.

It’s a story I don’t talk about often.  Not because I’m ashamed of my past or running from it.  Quite the contrary.  It rarely comes up in conversation because my current life bares no resemblance of my past.  

The wounds have long healed and the scars are so faded they are barely seen.

My wonderful circle of girlfriends (most of whom are proud card-carrying members of this Club) joined me on this journey of life 10 to 20 years ago.  So after I published my first book, and gave each of them a copy, they were floored.

Nestled around the center of the book, no more than a couple paragraphs long, they learned something about me they didn’t know.  

“When I reached that part of your book,” a host for Good Day Atlanta told me during a recent interview, “I had to go back and read certain parts all over again with fresh eyes.”

“All that time, I was reading it thinking you grew up happy-go-lucky and just continued that into your marriage.  And that couldn’t be further from the truth.”  

My closest girlfriends all began calling and texting me one by one, as they reached that part of the book, “Wow, I can’t believe you shared all that.”  Transparent was the word they used most.  The odd thing is, initially, I didn’t know what they were referencing.  I try to live my life as an open book so I assumed everyone close to me already knew.  But I quickly realized, only a few did.

Here’s the cliff notes version for those of you who don’t already know: rough teenage years, incredibly low self-esteem, attempted suicide twice, left home at the age of 15, dropped out of high school, and the list continues from there.  But that life -20 years ago- seems so far away because I decided 17 years ago that I would start anew.  I would build the life I desired, the one I believe I was placed here to live, and that’s exactly what I’ve done.

My husband, Keith, had an upbringing that was certainly no dream either; a nightmare really.  I won’t share much of his story as that’s not mine to tell.  But I will say this, his teenage years were spent planning an escape for he and his mother from his abusive father.  And once he finally succeeded in executing his plan (it took a few attempts), his childhood ended very quickly.  He became the man of the house while still in his teens.

When we came together as one, we were -and are- just two people on a journey, determined not to allow our past to write the future chapters of our lives.  A new chapter had begun.  And this one, we could write beautifully from the beginning.

For many, holding on to the past provides a safety net.  I was listening to an interview the other day of an unmarried celebrity who had been dating the same woman for close to 16 years and wouldn’t commit.  ”If you knew my upbringing…” he began to tell the host.  To which she replied, “Yes, but at what point do you stop allowing your past to dictate your future?”

I’m happy she posed that question.  The answer is now.  In this moment.  It’s not easy.  It takes faith (so much faith).  At times, it requires some gut-wrenching soul searching.  But it’s worth it.  The freedom is worth it.

The marriage of your dreams is in the now.  It is a daily effort to create and maintain a marriage so beautiful even the romance movies pale in comparison.

It takes consistent effort; building your dream brick-by-brick.  But when you stop allowing your past to interrupt your present, something magical happens.  That magic is a happy and complete you.  And a loving and whole him.

I’m not sure who I’m writing this for today.  It’s not necessarily a “happy” post.  But I’m hitting the “publish” button in hopes that it will inspire at least one person to -once and for all- leave their past behind and spend every future day building the greatest marriage they’ve ever witnessed.  If that person is you…I’m grateful you stopped by today.  If for no other reason, than to be reassured that a love like this still does exist…no matter how your life began.

YOUR TURN: If your life didn’t begin as a dream, but you’ve been building the marriage of your dreams, please share it here so others can be inspired by you.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight to You

I sat out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign
pointed straight to you

Those words piped into my earphones while on my morning walk earlier today.  

As the Rascal Flatts lead singer belted those lyrics, I thought about the broken road that made me the woman I am today.  That same broken road that led me to Keith and Keith to me.

Every long lost dream
led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way
into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

On May 9, 2003, that broken road illuminated and the man standing at the end was (and is) the kindest, most loving, gentle, respectful and humble man I’ve ever known.  

Wise beyond his years with an ability to love me with complete abandon.  As if he’d never experienced hurt before, he fell so deeply in love with me that many questioned if it happened too quickly.

He never questioned it though.

Less than 4 months after falling in love, as the sky dimmed on that beautiful Spring evening, he proposed.  And before year’s end, we became husband and wife.

This journey, my marriage, has shaped me more than any other earthly relationship.  It has strengthened me, challenged me, stretched me and made me grow in ways I never imagined.

His unending love has allowed me to feel safe.  His unwavering respect and honor for me, has allowed me to go after my wildest dreams.  His friendship is a daily reminder that I was never meant to walk this road of life alone.

Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Every day, when I come to the pages of the Happy Wives Club with the hope of inspiring and encouraging you, I often forget my husband also reads this site and sometimes -although not often as he’d get embarrassed- it’s just good to fill this page with an ode to him.

After all, beside every happy wife is a proud and loving husband.  And for me, Keith Weaver is that man.  And his love is the reason the Happy Wives Club exists.  So to Keith:  Muchas gracias.  Te amo mi amor.

YOUR TURN: Do you remember where you were the moment you fell in love with your husband?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Chart Your Own Marital Course (the longest-lasting marriages do this)

*Welcome to week three of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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“Marriages are like fingerprints.  Each one is different and each one is beautiful.”                                  -Maggie Reyes, ModernMarried.com

When you set out on a journey around the world to find the common denominator among happy and long-lasting couples, as I did, you expect to see incredibly different approaches to marriage.

Although what makes their marriages successful are similar in principle, everything else is very different.

For you, it’s probably easy not to compare your marriage to couples across the Atlantic ocean.  But have you ever found yourself comparing your marriage to that of those around you (in your neighborhood, at church, at work, in your circle of friends, etc.)?  

Comparing your relationship to anyone else’s -I’ve learned through all my interviews, spending time with happy couples, and in my own life- is detrimental to the happiness of your marriage.

This past weekend, my husband and I enjoyed a wonderful evening with friends who have been married for nearly 40 years.  

You only need to be in Miriam and Efi’s presence for three minutes before it becomes abundantly clear just how much fun they have together.  They don’t just love one another; they like each other.  A lot.  

According to their grown children, they’ve been this same way for as long as any of them can remember.

Keith and I do this a lot, by the way.  We love spending time around couples who genuinely enjoy being in each other’s presence.  

Some study marriage in school and through textbooks.  I’ve done it, for the past 11 years, through immersion.  I’ve learned most about creating and maintaining genuine happiness in marriage by being around couples who have successfully done that for decades.  And you know what they all have in common?  They all march to the beat of their own drums.

Even still, no matter how wonderful a couple’s marriage is that we are around, we never compare our relationship to theirs.  Like every other area of life, when you compare what you have to someone else, you always lose.

If you have a great marriage, and compare yours to those that seem less successful, you run the risk of setting your relationship up for a downfall.  Have you ever noticed that so many who esteem themselves (or their stuff) higher than others often lose what they cherish most?

On the flip side, if your marriage seems less “fantastic” than those around you, don’t sweat it.  You have everything you need to create the marriage of your dreams and you have the rest of your life to make it happen.  It will happen, as long as you stay focused on your marriage and your marriage alone.

Yes, Keith and I learn from others.  We even emulate things we’ve seen other couples do successfully.  That is healthy.   Really, that is wisdom.  But enriching our marriage with things we’ve learned from others is far as we go.  Comparisons -in every area of life- always prove to be far more costly than they’re worth.

After spending years “immersed” in loving and happy marriages, this I can say without exception: the happiest and longest-lasting marriages are those who decided years ago to chart their own marital course.

YOUR TURN: Are you ever tempted to compare your marriage to that of another?  When that happens, what do you do to mute that voice in your head?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

5 Reasons a Television Fast Is Good For Your Marriage

Do you ever wish you had more time for your husband?  Family?  When I wrote about this popular marriage secret, did you think to yourself, “Yeah right!  With what time?”

Years ago, I found myself short on time each and every day.  Keith and I were both working 10-12 hour days and would crash on the couch and veg out in front of the television until bedtime.

Then something magical happened.  We moved to a new place, and decided, for the first few months we wouldn’t call the cable company.  We drew the curtains on what had become the greatest suck of our free time.

Those first few months were eye-opening.  All of a sudden, we had more time to take walks together, exercise together, enjoy coffee and talk in the mornings without the sound of news anchors in the background.  

What we thought would be just a few months ended up leading to two years without TV (well, our TV stayed on the wall but we didn’t connect the cable).

If you wish you had more time for regular date nights or to simply spend more time together daily, there are two things you can likely do immediately to create more free time.  

The first is limiting the amount of time you spend on the computer or your handheld devices. Seriously.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much time I got back by limiting myself to 15-30 minutes a day on Facebook.  Looking at all my friends and family’s photos and status updates was great…except once I realized how much time I spent on it. Ditto the time I lose when I go off on online rabbit trails.

Do you do that too?  I’ll go to an online news article and then see another interesting article on the right-hand side.  So I’ll click that story, which will lead to another story, and so on and so on (this just happened to me 5 minutes ago, by the way).  If you’re like me, and can get sucked into this online world quickly, putting yourself on a clock (literally, a timer you can set on your smart phone or any other way you’d like that allows you to limit yourself to 15-30 minutes).  

The second thing you can do is go on a (minimum of) 21-day television fast.  The reason for that length of time is research has shown it takes 21 days of doing something with consistency to create a new habit.  Even if you decide to return to watching TV after your fast, chances are you will spend far less time in front of the tube.  Why?  Because now you are consciously aware of how much time you are losing by sitting in front of the TV and have discovered far more productive things you can do with that time.

There are 5 reasons a television fast is good for your marriage:

1. You have more time for each other. Even if you usually only watch 1-2 shows each day, that is now 30 min-2 hours you’ve freed up for each other.  You’ve created a window of opportunity for a daily ritual, date night or whatever else floats your boat.

2. You’ll have more energy.  There is something about crashing on the couch and vegging in front of the TV that is a real energy suck.  Not sure why.  But if you think about it, has watching TV ever given you energy?  But engaging in things you love, things that breathe life into yours -hobbies, dreaming together, etcetera- will naturally give you more energy.

3. You’ll be better rested.  For so many, the simple act of not watching TV prior to bedtime will provide the most restful sleep you’ve ever had.  About 8 years ago, I participated in a sleep study because I couldn’t seem to sleep through the night.  I would toss and turn and wake up often.  One of the top suggestions they gave me was to turn off the TV (and all electronic devices) no less than 30 minutes prior to bedtime.  Not watching TV at night will allow your body to shut down when it’s ready and you won’t have crazy dreams starring people you just saw on your tube.

4. More time for foreplay.  Hmmm…does this one really need further explanation?

5. Reduce stress, ward off anxiety, improve your mood.  Okay, so maybe these things don’t come just from you turning off the TV.  But they are things that happen naturally when endorphins are released into your body.  And the two most popular endorphin boosters are: sex and exercise (or sexercise if you want to combine the two).  Once you turn off the TV, you’ll create more time to do both of these things.  Exercise isn’t just for looking good, it’s good for your overall health, life- and even your marriage.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

The Priceless Gift Your Husband Will Love (that won’t cost you a dime)

This priceless gift for your husband will make him smile from ear-to-ear.  And did I mention the cost begins with a “z” and rhymes with hero?

I love surprising my husband with unique and low (or no) cost gifts.  So when I met Gail Roddy in Minneapolis last month, and she told me about this cool thing she was doing for her anniversary, I asked if she’d be willing to also share it with our entire community.

She said yes.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

___________

Oftentimes, it can be a challenge figuring out ways to celebrate our husbands. (They have the same challenge, I’m sure!)  

When I shared with Fawn something special I did for my husband, Bill, she asked if I’d also share it with each of you.

Bill and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary last month.  We’ve never been big on exchanging purchased gifts. (In the early years we had very little money anyway!)  This year, I wanted to create and share something memorable and priceless.

I designed a 10-Day Countdown To Our Anniversary.  Each of the nine nights leading up to our anniversary, I wrote and posted a brief and loving letter on his Facebook wall that reflected my thoughts about his wonderful character, such as:

• the man who makes me so happy
• his wedding day surprise behavior
• supporter of my talents
• businessman
• father figure/mentor to hundreds of at-risk young men.

(If you’d prefer a more private way to do this, rather than on Facebook, you can surprise him with one letter a day at the most opportune time and place.)

No need to wait until your anniversary either.  You can do this any time of the year – even now!  You also don’t have to write and post for 10 days. You could do 7, 5, or even 3 days. Each day, you write a short message to your man and post it on his Facebook timeline. If he has no Facebook page, post it in an e-mail or text message. A wonderful extra touch is to include a favorite picture of him!

You’re not a writer?  You don’t have to be. This is written from your heart. The heart has no shame about its writing skills. It just speaks its truth. His heart will resonate.

To get you started, I offer you the use of my beginning and ending. Use the exact words, if you’d like, or change them according to your heart’s song.

Here’s how I began each letter:

• “In 9 (8, 7,6, etc.) Sunsets we will celebrate The Day We Were Wed
  I shall tenderly count down the days ahead…”

The rest of my text also continued as poetry. I didn’t intend to create poetry.  But a short poem created itself from my fond reminiscence of my man and our marriage.

Each of my letters ended with:

• “And so ends the Fourth (Fifth, Sixth, etc) Night
  Of these letters of longing and love from Your Wife…”

Have FUN with your intro whether you use mine or you create one!

Next, write what you are thankful for about YOUR mate. No, no, it does not have to be poetry.  A single sentence from your heart is worth more to your man than all the brilliant poetry ever created. Trust me.

You could praise him about his skills as:

• father
• lover
• military service
• volunteer passion
• provider
• protector
• teacher
• friend

I’m sure your husband’s list of skills and attributes could go on and on!

Bill was thrilled and touched.  Each night he was more excited than the previous night, anticipating the next heart-felt letter from me.

This simple gift is special because it is completely from the heart (it’s also easy to do – and costs you nothing).  Why not design a similar anniversary (or birthday) commemoration your husband will forever treasure?  Remember, you needn’t write 10 days.  A series of 7 or 5 or even 3 is great too.  Just do it in such a way that he’ll anticipate each day more and more.

It’s your heart that matters to him.  It’s his life’s inspiration, in more ways than one…

Peace and Joy Forever,

 Gail

##

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.  Guaranteed.

This Happy Marriage Rule Is Controversial…But It Works

**Welcome to week two of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club. Join me here weekly as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.**

_____________________________

I’m not a huge fan of controversy.  Some people thrive off of conflict.  After many years of operating that way, I found it far more effective to find a middle ground rather than insisting on one right opinion.  

Sometimes, I post things I don’t expect to be controversial in the least, like Friday’s post, which got many in our Facebook community pretty fired up.

This aversion to controversy is likely what has caused me to keep one major happy marriage secret…well, a secret.  At least, I’ve not broached the topic on here.  

The interesting thing about this “secret” or “happy marriage rule,” if you will, is I am yet to meet a couple -who have been happily married more than 25 years- that did not swear by the importance of it. 

So what is this marriage rule I shudder to mention?

Put your marriage first.  Then children.  Then all else.

“Do you think I’m a bad person for saying that?” I remember Sandy asking me as I was wrapping up my interview with her for my book.  She and her husband were married 53 years before he passed away.  

“Of course not,” I responded.  ”Every couple I’ve ever met, who have been happily married for decades all live by your same rule,” I assured her.

I don’t remember the first time I heard this “happy marriage rule,” but I can tell you, every happily married couple I’ve interviewed (and I tend to only interview those married for at least a quarter of a century) have all done this one thing.  It was paramount in creating and guarding the marriage of their dreams. 

There are at least 5 benefits of putting your marriage first:

1. If you have children, they will thrive.  Research has proven time and time again that parents who have a loving and stable relationship instill confidence and reinforce stability for their children.  The best thing you can do for your kids is to let them see, hear and experience firsthand that you and your spouse are still in love and the family -even if it is a blended one- will be together forever.

2. Creates a united front.  Whether facing challenging times, exciting opportunities, or establishing boundaries for your kids, this united front is important to everyone around you (especially the two of you).

3. Teaches your children what to look for when choosing a spouse.  Being a living example of the marriage you want for your own children teaches them at an early age what love looks like (and what it doesn’t).

4. Helps you to create the marriage of your dreams…until the very end.  Marriage is a gift.  It is an investment.  It requires consistency and effort.  But it can also get stale and become stagnant if we aren’t conscientious of renewing our efforts to connect with one another daily.

5. Allows you to enjoy the empty nest years.  Have you ever met a couple who, after the kids have moved out or the spouses have retired, had to get to know each other again?  This is one of the most difficult things to do after years of putting other things ahead of your marriage.

If you’d like a step-by-step on how to accomplish this in your own marriage, WedMD did a great article on 7 ways to put your marriage first, that shares not only the how but the research behind why this principle is so important.

YOUR TURN: For those of you already doing this, what other benefits have you experienced from putting your marriage first?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

5 Special Gifts for National Husband’s Day

On January 22, 2014, we sponsored an unofficial new holiday: National Husband’s Day. A special day set aside for the nearly 1 million women in the Happy Wives Club community to celebrate our husbands.

Initially, my hope was we’d be able to get a government official to proclaim the day on our behalf. Our team began working on that and quickly realized the many complications of getting a date named as a holiday officially. But who needs official?

National Peanut Butter Day is one of my absolute favorite holidays. No government official has yet to recognize that officially but that doesn’t stop me from indulging in a few more spoonfuls of that tasty stuff just at the mention of its national holiday.

So let’s celebrate our special day together!

To make it easy, we’ve come up with 5 special (and free) gifts you can give your husband today to commemorate the occasion.

1. Print this certificate. If you didn’t get a chance to print this off last year, you may still want to print it now to let your husband know you’re a proud member of this club and because of his love, you’ve sponsored this day honoring him. This is the original sponsorship certificate so it includes the original 2014 date. Here is one dated for 2015.

2. Customize this proclamation. If you printed the above certificate last year as one of the original sponsors of National Husband’s Day (or even if you didn’t), we’ve created a customizable proclamation for you to give your husband this year. Customize it. Print it out (legal size paper). Frame it. Then deliver to him a gift sure to make him proud. (If your computer doesn’t allow you to customize the PDF, print this one to handwrite his name and your name instead).

3. Print a customized Book of Love. This fantastic DIY coupon book from The Dating Divas is something sure to knock your husband’s socks off. Surprise him with this creative book that gives him all the things he wants most…one coupon at a time.

4. Write the perfect love letter. Have you ever written your husband a love letter? Not just a few words at the bottom of a card but actually write the card yourself? If not, today’s a pretty fantastic day to sharpen your writing skills. To make it easy, here are 7 ways to write the perfect love letter.

5. Spoil your spouse date night. There’s no better night than tonight to spoil your spouse. This date night is all about doing what your husband loves to do. No marital compromise here –this is his night!

Any excuse to celebrate those fabulous hubbies of ours is a good enough excuse for me.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

We’re SO close to our goal! JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.