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8 Ways to Say ‘I Love You’ Without Saying a Word

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say there are some of you whose husbands are like mine.  

Those who are loving, compassionate, kind, gentle  and constantly giving.  But who at times, especially after a challenging day, want nothing more than to feel how much they are loved.  

It took me a little while to figure this out but feeling loved and hearing ”I love you” are two very different things.  And some men (well, most men) have days when they -as John Gray so wonderfully put it- need to go into their cave.

Men are wired differently and it took me several years of marriage to truly appreciate to what extent.  But they are also very similar to us in many ways.  

Although some may never say, “I need to be held right now,” or “my ego is fragile at this moment,” those feelings are no less real just because they aren’t verbalized.

There are times when your husband needs an empathetic sounding board; an ear to listen.  And there are times when momentary silence will give him an even greater comfort.  An ability to be alone with his thoughts and yet still know he’s not alone.

There are many ways to say ‘I love you’ without saying a word.  Here are the eight I use most often: 

Massage his neck and shoulders.  Most of us carry stress in our neck, back, and shoulders.  I’m not a pro so I stick to the areas easiest for me to massage.  Once he’s taken a seat on the couch or in a chair, I’ll stealthily come behind him and gently begin massaging his neck and shoulders.  This tells him, “I’m here for you,” and allows me to be nearby until such time as he feels like talking about whatever difficulty he experienced that day.

Short kiss behind his ear.  This one goes hand in hand with the neck and shoulder massage.  I’m not sure what it is about that area near the ear, but it relaxes my hubby almost instantaneously.  If I give him a small peck behind the ear and see him close his eyes or a glimpse of a smile, I know it’s relaxing him and so I’ll also kiss his earlobe, neck, cheek, etcetera.

Stroke the back of his head.  Now, I don’t know if this works the same for those with long hair.  My husband has kept a bald (or low shaven) head the entire 10 years we’ve been married.  Stroking his head, in the direction his hair grows (I’m careful not to go against the grain as that feels odd to him), calms him tremendously and, again, reminds him I’m right by his side.

Intertwine your fingers with his.  There is never a bad time to hold hands.  The hubs and I probably hold hands when we’re alone even more than we do in public.  Holding hands isn’t just for when you’re out and walking around.  Intertwining your fingers with his while riding in the car, relaxing on the couch or sitting at the table, is an ever present reminder that you’re there for him, especially in his greatest times of need.

Pour a glass of [fill in the blank] and take it to him.  My husband loves a great Sauvignon Cabernet so grabbing two glasses and bringing one over to him allows us to do two things: 1) Raise our glasses together to remind us of how grateful we are for this life; and 2) Gives us both a chance to relax together (and I can think of few things more relaxing than a smooth glass of Cab).  For your hubby, it might be tea or some other drink that is soothing. All that matters is it’s whatever he enjoys sipping the most.

Spoon him.  I must admit, spooning is one of my absolute favorite things to do (if the hubs reads today’s post, this is the point in which he’ll say, “you can say that again!”).  As is the case with most women, we’re usually the inside spoon.  But sometimes being the outside spoon is the one thing that will help him fall asleep and rest peacefully throughout the night.

Resist the temptation to give the answer.  Have you seen this hilarious video about the woman with the nail in her forehead and her significant other trying to give her what seems like obvious advice?  Well, this goes both ways.  Sometimes we’re the ones who want to “fix” the problem and the only thing our spouse needs is a listening (and empathetic) ear.

Do something he’d least expect.  Is there something he’d love but absolutely wouldn’t expect you to do?  For instance, I’m the worst when it comes to washing my car.  It’s just never been important to me.  But Keith loves both of our cars to be clean.  So one day, without him knowing, I took his car to be washed and filled it with gas and then returned home and picked up my car and did the same.  Something so small meant to much because it was truly the last thing he’d expect from me.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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4 Tips to Surviving Life’s Hurricanes – Together

Whenever HWC contributors, like today’s writer Margie Sims, submit posts, my request is always that they be less than 500 words.  My goal is for you to be encouraged -within a few minutes- and able to continue on with your day.

So when I opened up Margie’s post and saw is was longer than usual, my first instinct was to figure out where to ‘trim the fat’.  But as I was pulled into her words, and the beautifully woven story, I couldn’t bring myself to shorten it.

So, yes, this post is a little longer than the usual.  But I hope you’ll agree that it is worth every additional word.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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How do you make sure your marriage survives -and flourishes after- life’s hurricanes? 

My husband and I married in May of 1986.  We had our first baby by the time we celebrated our first anniversary.  We both desired a large family, and just after our seventeenth anniversary, we discovered number eight was on the way. 

With the exception of my parents’ failing health, up until that point, our marriage had been in pretty calm waters.  Oh, the regular irritants like broken washing machines and stomach viruses occurred, of course, but that is life, after all.   He was climbing the corporate ladder with a promise of a job relocation soon, our kids were healthy, we were happy. 

In July of 2003, we were living in Memphis and I was about seven weeks pregnant. That afternoon was like any other southern summer day with high temperatures and not much of a breeze.  Then the wind stirred, picked up speed and began not merely bending and snapping the trees, but sending them flying.  Straight-line winds -we learned later- that act like a tornado, only without the funnel cloud. Memphians wryly refer to it as Hurricane Elvis.

The power was out, debris filled the yard.   We all went out back, and as I waded through the broken branches, I saw the tiniest baby squirrel on the ground, umbilical cord still attached.  For some reason, it made me think of my own baby.  A sign, I would soon learn.

That night, in the middle of the night, I lost the baby.  It was my first miscarriage after having seven normal pregnancies that produced big, fat, overdue babies. Traumatic, to say the least.

Two days later, the power still out, we threw away all of the food in fridge.  For a family of nine, it was a small fortune.

On day three, the transmission on the car went out.

On day four, some dear friends invited all nine of us to stay with them until our power was restored.  I was so grateful to get a hot meal and a hot bath–a tiny bit of relief.  I will never forget their hospitality.

On day five the power in our neighborhood was restored.  People were cheering in the streets for the power company. With power on, we went home and restocked our fridge, only to realize by day seven that it had died.  For the second time, we threw away our food. And we bought a new fridge.

On day eight, the A/C joined the ranks of the transmission and the fridge. 

Then, to top it all off, the job relocation fell through. 

In span of eight days, we lost our baby, our savings, and one of our dreams.  The stress was unbelievable. It was the most pressure we had been under since we had been married. Hurricane Elvis left a mark I have never forgotten.

Fast forward one year.   We had a twelve week old baby and had just relocated to Vermont for a new job. Our friends had invited us to the annual Mozart Festival in the Greene mountains; I was holding my daughter while watching the sun sink behind them.  As the sun was setting to Mozart, it occurred to me that it had been almost exactly one year since that terrible trial.

I learned from that trying season, that though we may hope for and even experience long periods of quiet, hurricanes are just a part of life.  As I reflect on that trying time, here is how we weathered the storm.

• LOOK TO EACH OTHER.   A few years ago, I heard an elderly man reflecting on the difficulty of The Great Depression and WWII.  He said, “Back then, we let trials pull us together, not tear us apart.”  I have often thought of his words, and they give me a new determination to face trials together every time.

• LOOK UP.  Someone said, “God is either working in you or on you.”  Hold on to your faith. Trust in God and His goodness.

• LOOK BACK. That was ten years ago, and whenever we face a new trial (and there is always one lurking, it seems) we point to that week and remind each other that we made it through that stressful season back in 2003, and we can make it through whatever is ahead.

• LOOK FORWARD.  The revelation I had on that mountaintop was shocking:  If someone had told me during that awful week a year before, “Don’t worry, in one year your husband will have a new job and you will be sitting on the top of a mountain in Vermont, watching the sunset, listening to Mozart while holding your new baby,” I would not have believed it.  When your marriage faces trials, remind each other to hold on until it the end.

I would not have chosen to go through the pressures of that week so long ago, but I am thankful Hurricane Elvis came to visit us that day.  It was our first real trial, and I don’t think we would have strengthened our marriage or faith, to this magnitude, any other way. 

QUESTION: How have you and our spouse overcome life’s challenges together?

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3 Ways to Love Your Man When You Don’t Have 3 Minutes to Spare

I met HWC contributor, Kathi Lipp, around this time last year at a women’s conference.

Her personality was infectious, her love for family was extraordinary and I quickly became exhausted just listening to her nonstop schedule!

If there is anyone qualified to give advice on how to be intentional in marriage while checking off massive to-do lists, it’s Kathi.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day! 

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I just got off a week’s worth of hotel rooms, convention food and events that started right after breakfast and didn’t end until well after dinner.

Not only was I attending meetings, I was squeezing in email and phone calls and all the day to day business that doesn’t stop just because you’re on the road.

And I’m pretty exhausted.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been tapped out physically and emotionally.

I think back to the days of small children and iffy sleep patterns, or the time I went to care for my mom after surgery.

I want my husband to know that he’s a priority every day – whether I have time or not.  The watch word for keeping your marriage great when the rest of your life is out of control is one word: Intentional.

Do the things that matter most to your man and leave the rest for when you’re not on deadline.  Determine what your husband’s greatest needs are from you and then spend the five minutes it will take to do one of the following:

3 Ways to Love Your Man When You Don’t Have 3 Minutes to Spare 

If Your Husband Needs to Know You’re Proud of Him…

• One minute phone calls Are they ideal? Maybe not, but starting the call with “I just have a minutes, but I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am about…” could change the direction of your husband’s day.

• Post it Notes Check out this list of 21 Post-it Note Sized Encouragements for your Man for quick and simple ideas of what to say- and then post them – on his bathroom mirror, in his truck, wherever he’s sure to come across it.

If Your Husband Needs to Get His Hands on You…

• Schedule Some Time on the Calendar When I’ve been traveling, even the promise of some couch time with my man is an encouragement to him. Letting him know you haven’t forgotten how important it is, is important.

• Make the Time There is no substitute for you. Instead of going out for dinner one night, could you pick up a quick bite, bring it home, and snuggle by the TV or fire? That one time swap could make a big difference.

If Your Husband Needs to Know You’re Thinking of Him …

• Use Amazon to Your Advantage For less than $20, I can send my husband a box of Ferrero Rocher Chocolates (or any chocolates or gifts he likes for that matter) at his office or to the house when I’m traveling.

• Texting Just a note saying, “You’re on my mind…” will bring a sly smile to your guy’s face.

What ways do you love your man — especially, when time is limited?

For more great tips on loving your man when you don’t have 3 minutes to spare, visit KathiLipp.com.  Your Life. On Purpose. 

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7 Marriage Practices Worth Perfecting

Marriage blogger, Lori Byerly, has been supportive of the Happy Wives Club from the moment she came across this site a couple years ago.  

Earlier this year, she shared a great activity to help us get even closer to our spouses (loved that idea).  Now, she’s back and helping us take our marriages up another notch.

Practice makes perfect, right?  At the very least, it makes things better and better the more we practice.  

In marriage, you know I’m all about being happy and remaining in love til’ DDUP (death do us part) so you better believe I’m doing a whole lotta practicing.  Join me .

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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When I was a little girl, my mom insisted that I take piano lessons. Honestly, I sounded pretty bad. I was just learning to read music and I played a bit too loud.

Over the years I got better and better. By the time I was in high school I was a pretty accomplished musician.

The interesting thing is, I was probably average when it came to natural ability. What I had going for me was my willingness to practice and then practice some more. 

The more you do something, the better you get at it.

That concept has gotten me through a number of situations where I started out poorly or with very few clues. This is especially true of my marriage.

I didn’t have any great models growing up and I probably have average ability on the marriage-o-meter.  I’m just willing to practice and then practice some more.  

Here are 7 marriage practices worth perfecting:

Practice Kind Words. Learning to speak with kindness? It’s a day by day choice. When you flub up, back up, apologize and say it nicer. You might even try doing a filter check before letting the words slip between your lips.

Practice Saying Yes. A new technique in the bedroom? It’s bound to feel awkward the first few times, but how fun it is when it becomes more natural and it’s something to look forward to. (I have to admit it’s a major rush when you can routinely wow your husband).

Practice Generosity. Giving without expectation. That is oftentimes one of the most challenging parts of a relationship. But it is also one of the most freeing. Being generous doesn’t have to take a lot of work. Kiss your sweetie 10 seconds instead of 2. It’s the little things that matter most.

Practice Marital Success. One of the smartest things couples can do is to mirror their marriages after couples successfully married for decades. Do you know a couple happily married for more than 25 years? They’re a great place to start. And if not, there are 50 inspiring ones here.

Practice Listening. Hearing your husband’s heart? Ask a question. Listen. Ask another question. When you find a good question, hold on to it. Husbands can change over time, so the adventure never ends.

Practice Loving…Even Better. Which one of us could say we have no need to be loved a little more? Is there even such a thing? When you practice loving your spouse….even better, the most wonderful thing happens: They return the love.

Practice Teamwork. Teamwork makes the dream work. My husband and I have teamed up for years encouraging married couples.  Paul’s site, The Generous Husband, and mine, The Generous Wife, have been two of the greatest blessings of our lives. Never underestimate the power of teaming up on everything from little to out of this world.

Never let a clumsy start scare you off.  It’s just the start of the process that will get you to accomplishment. Keep at it. Practice and practice some more.

The more you do something, the better you get at it.

QUESTION: What practice have you gotten much better at over the years that has made your marriage even better?

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5 Ways to Filter What You Say to Your Spouse

A couple weeks ago, I stumbled upon a post by Mark Merrill on the power of words and how to filter them (without losing who you are).

I knew a similar post, focused specifically on ways to do this in marriage, would be great for this Club so I reached out to Mark’s lovely wife, Susan Merrill, and asked if she thought her hubby might be up for writing this post.

As a super strong-willed person, I can always use more help in this area!  And item #2 was definitely an aha moment.  I’m glad Mark said yes to my request.  And I think you’ll be happy he did too. 

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I’ve often shared about the power of the tongue…how it can be used for good or evil.  One of the strongest places we see the power of our tongue and our words play out is in our marriages. 

Your spouse is your best friend, your hero, the love of your life.  So what you say to them has a much stronger impact than you can imagine. 

Due to this importance, I recently thought about some filters our words should have to pass through before they come out of our mouths.  If they don’t make it through all of these 5 filters, then they probably should never be spoken.

5 Ways to Filter What You Say to Your Spouse 

1. Do I have good motives? Is my reason for saying it beneficial to my spouse or only for selfish purposes? I have to be careful on this one. There have been many times in my life that I’ve said something that is very true, but I only said it so my wife would be impressed with me or because I was trying to manipulate her to do something for me.

2. Does it build my spouse up? Words are not neutral. They either tear down or build up. They are either hurtful or helpful. It makes me sad that I’ve let my hurtful words toward my wife pass through this filter all too often.

3. Is it confidential? Growing up, my dad stressed to me the importance of confidentiality. If someone tells me something in confidence, my job is to make sure I don’t ever mention it to another person.

4. If my spouse was present, would they be pleased with my words?  You’ve heard this one before, but it’s always worth remembering. We should always honor our spouse whether they are with us or not.

5. Is it true? Truth trumps all. If it’s not true, don’t say it.

Many of us have struggled with one or more of these filters. And, of course, none of us regularly pass our words through all of them. But, these filters will hopefully guard our tongues from speaking evil and, instead, give us the encouragement we need to pour good into our spouses’ lives.

Which of these filters is toughest for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please share with me below.

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SAVE THE DATE: Bloggers, join us here every third Monday of the month for our fabulous link-up party! Join us October 21st for our next Marriage Mondays!

Marriage Mondays Link Up Party! {Meet Some Awesome Bloggers}

Love this time each month!  If this is your first time joining us, it’s super simple.  

I want to introduce you to some awesome bloggers who write positively about love, marriage and family.  

If you’re a blogger, include some of your best posts from the past month below.  

It’s not required but it would be great if you’d also include the Marriage Mondays button on your post so people know how to find this awesome link-up party.

Don’t forget to stop by the sites of a few fellow bloggers.  They, like you, will be so grateful.  And I’ll also do my best to get to your site over the next few days.

If you’re a blog hopper, you’re in for a treat.  Some of the bloggers that link up here once a month for our Marriage Mondays are my absolute favorite on the web.  

You’ll learn nifty ideas for date nights, surprising your hubby, celebrating your anniversary, and so many other great things.

Look for a title you like below and click through to read that post.  Real life stories of love, marriage and family.  It’s a beautiful thing for sure.

So if you’re ready, let’s get this Marriage Mondays link up party started!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

SAVE THE DATE: Bloggers, join us here every third Monday of the month for our fabulous link-up party! Join us October 21st for our next Marriage Mondays!

5 Ways to Prepare Your Marriage for a New Baby

If you’ve visited here for some time, you likely know the hubby and I have been on a long, windy road to pregnancy.

A decade of marriage.  No baby yet.  But we remain incredibly hopeful (and happy).  That’s why I love reading posts like this one from HWC contributor, Paula Rollo.  

They help me understand what to expect and allow us to talk about these things even before my hormones go a bit nutty .

If you have your own special package on its way, congratulations!  You will be able to begin putting these suggestions to practice right away.  Excited for you, my friend.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

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With a baby on the way, it can be easy to let marriage slip to the back burner.

Babies require a lot of time, attention and energy, so it is important for couples to put alot of effort into their marriage, both before and after the baby is born.

Doing this will help ensure the marriage relationship continues to grow stronger in the midst of all the life transitions that come with the birth of a new bundle of joy! 

Wondering what you can do to get ready?

Here are 5 ways to prepare your marriage for a new baby:

1.  Enhanced Communication.  Communication has always been an important part of marriage, but it becomes more essential as your family grows. Long and intricate conversations with your spouse will now be interrupted by baby’s feedings and diaper changes.

Take some time to find new ways to communicate your love and needs to one another, without beating around the bush or trying to rely on subtle hints. Loving honesty and truthful conversations are important, now more than ever.

2.  Respect the Hormones.  Wives, I’m talking to you! The pregnancy hormones may calm down after baby is born, but that doesn’t mean you are free and clear.

It may take several weeks or even months for your hormones to get back to normal, especially if you are breastfeeding. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself still being a bit weepy or sensitive. That’s okay!

The key here is to be able to identify when the hormones are making you feel wonky, and allow yourself a break.  If you realize you are getting annoyed or irritated with your husband, step back for a moment and think.  Chances are your hormones are just acting up and your hubby is not to blame.

In our family, it helped a lot when I was able to tell my husband something like “I’m not really mad at you, my hormones are just making me feel bad right now.”  When I did this, he was able to support and love on me, instead of feeling the need to get defensive about something he said (or did) that wouldn’t have mattered if my hormones weren’t being crazy.

Respect the hormones, and find ways to clue your hubby in that you may be having a hormonal day! Those days are hard on the hubbies too, not just the wives.

3.  Priorities.  When baby comes, you will both find yourselves very tired, and scrambling for time to complete your normal activities. It is a good practice to identify the most important things to each of you, so that you can both try to prioritize accordingly.

If you’re usually the one who cleans and only have time to tidy one room today, do you know which one would mean the most to your husband to have cleaned?  If given the choice, does he know if you would prefer a home-cooked meal from him, or all the laundry washed and put away?  Do neither of you really care if the bed is made, or the floors vacuumed?

Take the time to discuss these things before they become issues, and don’t waste your energy on the things that don’t matter as much to either of you. There will be days when neither of you can keep up with everything that you used to do, this is normal and the season will pass eventually. Knowing your partner’s pet peeves and specific desires can help reduce stress and eliminate disagreements during this transitional season of life.

4.  Lower your standards - I know that sounds bad, but hear me out. Before baby, you had more time and money to spend on date nights or simple evenings of relaxation together. Once baby is born, it might (read: likely) become more difficult to get out of the house or even to spend a full evening cuddling together on the couch without interruption. Lower your expectations for at least a few months, and learn to find joy in the time that you do get to spend together.

It may not be at a 5-star restaurant, but a quiet dinner at home while the baby sleeps, can be just as romantic! Remember that the important thing is time together, regardless of where or when that time is spent! (Check out this post for 10 fun home date night ideas that are perfect for post-baby dating!)

5.  The 3 month wait.  If at any time (or all the time!) you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or worried about what your life is becoming, don’t fret! Give it a few weeks. Things change fast with a baby, and chances are in 3 months or so, you will be feeling a lot more rested, calm and confident as parents. This baby business can be hard work, but it does get easier, I promise!

Don’t be too hard on yourself, or your spouse if things don’t immediately flow perfectly. Learning and growing together means working through the rough times and the crazy bumps that life throws at us. A baby changes everything, but that is not a bad thing. Marriage can get stronger and sweeter with time and with babies! It might take a bit of extra work to keep those butterflies going, but it will be more than worth it! 

Looking for more tips? Check out this post to learn 7 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive After the Baby is Born.

QUESTION: What marriage tips would you give a mom-to-be?

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5 Little Things That Make a Huge Difference in Marriage

Earlier this year, my husband and I did something we’d desired for more than ten years. We got married -with me in a wedding dress, him in a tux, and in front of family, friends- without an Elvis impersonator officiating the ceremony.

In 2003, we eloped. Best. Decision. Ever. But we’d always said in our 10th year, we’d renew our vows and have a more traditional style ceremony. 

Several days after the event, the photographer called me and said something that blew my mind: “I just realized why you and Keith have remained so in tune all these years; so in love. It’s your hands.”

She mentioned how every time she took a candid shot of us, my hand was stroking the side of his cheek, his hand was caressing mine, our pinkies were intertwined even when our entire hands were not.

There was a gentleness in our embrace. Most wouldn’t even notice we were doing it, she said. But seeing that, changed her marriage – forever.

I thought back to that conversation when I read this post from our awesome HWC contributor, Lori Ferguson.  If there is one thing almost every couple could use to boost their love and intimacy, it’s this.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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A hand is more than 4 fingers, a thumb, and a palm attached to a wrist. A hand - your hands – have the ability to show love to your husband. Your fingers are 5 little things that make a huge difference in marriage.

What can you do with your hands?

• write him or text him a love note
• soothe the worries from his forehead or the sides of his mouth
• feed him bits and bites of his favorites
• caress (ah yes, that includes where your mind took you)
• hold, clasp, touch, his hands

Holding hands is important.

A while ago my husband and I interviewed a couple married 53 years. They had 6 grown children, and lots of grandchildren. But that wasn’t what stood out. They were a really nice couple – hard working and kind. Wonderful – but none of that made a huge impression. You know what sticks in my mind to this day?

They held hands – all the time! In church they held hands. (My husband preached at their church ever so often and told me they held hands all through the service.) While they spoke with their friends, they held hands. All through our interview their hands were clasped, resting on his thigh. When they walked together her arm was through his, and they held hands.

Imagine. 53 years holding the same person’s hands… through every event life brings. Nice picture, huh?

5 Ways to Hold Hands

1. The old-fashioned, nothing fancy, your hand in his. It’s wrapping your four fingers around his four fingers and snuggling them securely into the clasp a thumb provides. Did you know we humans are unique?  Not only because we have opposable thumbs, but because we can rotate our small and ring fingers across our palms to meet the thumb. Because of this “ulnar opposition” our hands have amazing grip, and torque ability. When times are tough – hold on tight to your spouse!

2. Start something good. While walking with clasped hands, use one finger to stroke his palm or the top of his thumb. When sitting, use both your hands to massage his hand and each finger. (It’s OK to take the massage a bit further.) Reach out and touch – if not now… then when?

3. Pinky swear.  Sometimes it’s hot – this hooking of littlest fingers is perfect. It’s fun. Playful. Swing your arms to add some breeze. Want some sizzle in your marriage? Hook him with your pinky!

 4. SOS Clutch. Send a message with Morse code – “short-long—short-short-” is the letter “L” in Morse code. Squeeze your husband’s hand to make a predetermined positive point. Signal your love with your hands.

5. Fingers entwined. You’re going all the way with this one – no hesitancy and sweaty palms are included! Fingers entangled, entwined, with the most surface covered – you and your husband are one. No matter what life brings – make sure you’re fully engaged with your spouse.

Reach Out

Touch is a gift. And when you’re holding your husband’s hand, you’re holding much more. Be gentle. Be kind. You’re also holding his heart in your hands.

Do you hold hands with your husband? Got a new way? Leave a comment!

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21 Days to a Better Sex Life {Getting into the Habit of Saying “Yes!”}

I hope you never get tired of me gushing over HWC contributor, Sheila Wray Gregoire, but I can’t help it.  I absolutely adore her!

Maybe it’s because she spends her days and nights talking about something many still consider taboo.  Or maybe it’s because she’s tackling an issue that can be a challenge even in the best of marriages.

Either way, I adore her and am appreciative she’s -again- helping us create better sex lives. (Disclosure: I’ve done this and it works!!)

Until Monday…make it a great weekend! 

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When kids come into the kitchen and say, “Mom, can I have…” we default to “No.”

We assume the words “ice cream” or “chocolate” or “Cheetos” will finish that sentence, and so the No is oftentimes out of our mouths before they even stop talking. It’s habit.

The same thing can happen with sex.

When you get in the habit of not making love for weeks, that becomes your default.

But while it’s good to refuse your kids Cheetos, refusing sex makes marriage kinda blah. And distant. And boring.

Why not work at developing a habit of saying “yes”? After all, sex isn’t just for him – there are plenty sex benefits for you, too! It feels great (and if it doesn’t, I’ve got lots here that can help). It helps you sleep. And it bonds you together.

Now researchers say it takes 21 days to develop a new habit. It has to naturally flow into your schedule. And many of us have evening schedules where sex doesn’t naturally flow.

Maybe after dinner you both scatter on your different computers, and then you go to bed at different times. Maybe he plays video games and you check Facebook, until one of you turns in. But if you’re going to make sex a “good” habit, it has to fit in naturally. So here are some thoughts to make that a reality:

1. Connect Early in the Evening

Sometime after dinner, connect by sharing your hearts and concerns. Go for a walk or a hike. Do dishes together. Do some activity during which you can unload some of the burden of today, so that it’s not impeding your ability to enjoy making love later.

2. Take “Me” Time During the Day

We all need time just for “me”–time when we don’t have to work, when we can relax without the kids, when we can do our hobbies. Try to find that during the day, maybe over the lunch hour at work, or during naptime with the kids. You can even tell the kids that they need a quiet time from 4-5, for instance–when they play in their rooms so that you can relax, too. That way you won’t need to take that “me” time at night.

3. Decide What Time You’ll Switch off Technology

Instead of spending your time on screens all night, decide together that you’ll switch off at 9:30 or 10, for instance.  Having this “cut off” rule, no matter what, will spur conversation (or better yet, cuddling) between the two of you.

4. Head to Bed Together

Go to bed together, at least eight hours before you have to be up the next morning. That way you have time to cuddle, to talk in bed, and to reach for each other.

Instead of always asking yourself, “do I want to tonight?”–because the answer will likely be no–ask yourself, “Do I have a really good reason to say no?” Make the expectation that you will say yes, not no. Then set up your schedule so that you’ll be together at night.

And presto!  21 Days to a Better Sex Life isn’t about following rules, it’s about creating a new habit.  And a fun one at that!

And if you need help on making sex a habit, why not work on my 31 Days to Great Sex with your hubby? Work on it for 31 days, and after that 31 Days you’ll be more used to spending time together at night!

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SAVE THE DATE: Bloggers, join us here every third Monday of the month for our fabulous link-up party! Join us September 16th for our next Marriage Mondays!

5 Ways to Keep Your Military Marriage Strong

After our servicemen are deployed, so many come home to discover a strained marriage and children they barely know.

I can’t imagine how tough that must be, not only for them but for their families.  That is why I love posts like this one from HWC contributor, Kathryn Sneed.  

Posts like this that help strengthen our military families so once they’ve returned from fighting to protect our freedoms, they are able to truly live a life of peace.

So if you know a military wife, share this post with them.  They’ll thank you for it.

Until tomorrow…make it  great day!

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Over the years, I have learned a lot of lessons about military life and marriage.  

Keeping my marriage strong has been important to me because I know that although the military lifestyle can be tough, marriage is still our responsibility and there are plenty of things I can do to help keep it strong!

Below are ways I have learned that have helped strengthen our marriage through the tough times, and separations, and I believe they can help keep your military marriage strong too!

5 Ways to Keep Your Military Marriage Strong:

1. Communicate!
You’ve probably heard before that communication is the key to any relationship, and that is so true! Communication is especially important in a military marriage because of how stressful the lifestyle can be. If you are not talking things out with your spouse, you are keeping it all in and eventually it will hurt your relationship.

Communicate honestly, your feelings about the lifestyle, the job, the mission, and even deployment.  Yes, sometimes there are things your spouse may not be able to tell you about the job or the mission, and that’s okay.  But with effective communication, you and your spouse will still be able to talk through important things about your family and about your marriage.

2. Savor Each Moment.
As a military spouse it can be very easy to see the difficult aspects of the military lifestyle.  For a lot of military families, separation is big part of life and it can be easy to see each moment as less and less time until your spouse leaves again. Instead of looking at it like that, learn to savor the moments you have with your spouse.

Go on a date, take a vacation, do things you might not normally do together – just have fun! Focus on the good and appreciate the small things in your marriage and family. Then, when your spouse is away again, you will have these wonderful moments to look back on and remember.

3. Have Understanding and Patience.
Understanding and patience are so important in a military marriage because of the toll the lifestyle can take on the military member and even the spouse. There will be days where your spouse may be having a bad day at work or maybe they have pulled away due to an upcoming deployment. These are times where understanding and patience are the keys to getting through each day.

Being understanding will help lessen the tension between you and your spouse, and being patient will help both of you learn to get through each day and each tough time, step by step.

4. Talk and Laugh Often.
If there is one thing I’ve learned as a military spouse it’s that I should never be too busy to laugh and talk with my husband. Time together is precious and sometimes laughter is few and far between, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take time out for it! It’s been said that laughter is the best medicine and I definitely agree. Sitting together talking and laughing is a great way to strengthen your relationship and it’s definitely something you won’t regret!

5.  Make the Best of Time Apart.
Time apart from your spouse is usually inevitable in the military, but learning to make the best of that time is going to help the separation go much easier. Instead of pulling away during this time, use it to grow closer to your spouse and learn more about them. Make the best of these separations, by having a good attitude, setting some goals to accomplish during this time, and learning to encourage each other through it.

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Happy Wife = Happy Life {The 21-Day Challenge}

I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen this quote: “Happy Wife = Happy Life.”  And my husband will be the first to testify to its truth. (Cue the amen choir!)  

If this statement is indeed true, what does that say about the flip side of that coin?

Does an unhappy wife equal unhappy lives all around her?  

An even better question may be this: If a previously unhappy wife becomes a happy wife, will her household change for the better?  

And if the answer to that question is yes, then we as women may not be giving ourselves enough credit. We’ve clearly got a whole lotta power! 

For many, they look to external circumstances for happiness.  That’s a part of the reason I love Shawn Achor’s book, The Happiness Advantage (and his accompanying TEDx talk) so much.

Achor uses science to show why its a person’s mindset -rather than what’s going on externally- that actually determines their happiness.

What many have long believed to be true about the origin of happiness, Achor and psychologists like Martin Seligman have now proven:  Happiness comes from the inside not from without.

It was with this thought that I began searching through HappyWivesClub.com for the 21-day challenge many of us participated in last year.

Several times over the past couple months, I’ve had women stumble across a few posts related to that challenge and ask if there’s an eBook where it’s all gathered.  They’ve written inquiring about getting the entire series in one place. Well, there’s no eBook and I don’t foresee one any time soon. But I was able to pull it all together.

So to those who wrote asking for this, I promised I’d do it. And although it took me a little while (sorry about that…sometimes life moves at a pace that outruns my lackluster attempts to keep up), it is all in one place (here and down below) and on one Pinterest Board (click here).

You can choose to read one per day or just skip to the areas most helpful in your current season. We all have differing seasons in life, and for this season, I’ve had way too many cookies and desserts so I’m going back to read Day 2 and Day 3 – right now.

On the final day of the original 21-day challenge, I wrote:

“Before this series, you may have seen happiness as something temporary; an emotion based upon external circumstances. At the very least, I hope you’’ve now been convinced otherwise. Life is about choices. And happiness is no exception. It is a choice. Your choice. So why not choose it today?”

So today, I pose the same question.  If there’s any area of your life that needs a little “happiness tweaking,” peruse the topics below and jump on in!

Intro: 21 Days to a Happier You!

Day 1: It’s Time to Get it Together

Day 2: 5 Easy Ways to Jumpstart Your Diet

Day 3: Exercise Your Way to a New You

Day 4: Celebrate Little Victories Every Day

Day 5: Road to Happiness

Day 6: Give Yourself a Break

Day 7: Pursue Your Passion

Day 8: Building Better Relationships (For Your Own Health)

Day 9: Igniting Happiness All Around You

Day 10: Top 5 Reasons to Love the Unlovable

Day 11: Gaining the Upper Hand in the In-Law Relationship

Day 12: Become the Happiest Family on the Block

Day 13: Release Your Expectation of Perfection

Day 14: Quickly Boost the Happiness in Your Marriage

Day 15: The Happiness Triangle

Day 16: Seeing the World Through a Prism of Faith

Day 17: Is Faith in God Important for Lasting Happiness?

Day 18: God + You + Your Spouse = Happy Marriage?

Day 19: It Takes More Than God to be Happy

Day 20: Receive Joy.  Choose Happiness.

Day 21: A Happier You. Today.

QUESTION: Have you ever taken on a 21, 28, 31-day challenge?  If so, which one and how did you enjoy it?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

SAVE THE DATE: Bloggers, join us here every third Monday of the month for our fabulous link-up party! Join us September 16th for our next Marriage Mondays!

7 Ways to Turn Your Husband’s Bad Day Into a Good One

I absolutely love being a member of this club.  If for no reason than posts like these.

I often get notes thanking me for founding the club but I always respond by telling them I’m just honored to be a part.

The tips, suggestions and reminders (like the ones in this post) given by our fabulous contributors bring encouragement to my marriage daily.  Thank you, Maggie Reyes .

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Do you ever wish you could wave a magic wand and solve all your hubby’s problems in one magical swoop? I know I do.

Even though I still haven’t found that magic wand, I have learned to collect tips and advice to add to my “how to cope with stress” toolkit so I can whip out that healing hammer whenever my husband is having a bad day.

Here are 7 easy ways to help turn your husband’s bad day into a good one. :

• Give him space  - When your husband has challenging days at work as often as mine does (his role requires frequent audits), you learn that some days he needs to talk and other days he just needs to turn on the Playstation and blow up some bad guys. Tell him, with words, that you are there for him and for anything he needs, then let him choose what would help the most.

• Focus on the Good – If he is in the mood to talk, after he vents and lets the day go, find things to celebrate – even if it’s chocolate chip cookies for dessert or his favorite show on TV that night. The little things that make us smile can go a long way to cheer us up. Remembering how much we have to be thankful for is always a good idea.

• Say Thank You – Thank him, for all his hard work and everything he does for you so that you can have a home together. Gratitude is a powerful force and when you shower it upon your husband, it has the power to instantly lift his mood and make him feel like the king of the world. And we all know hubbies love that, right?

• Make him laugh – Don’t worry, you don’t have to be a comedian to do this, you can watch his favorite comedy on TV or funny videos on YouTube. For any Seinfeld fans, there is a hilarious guy on Twitter who writes tweets as if Seinfeld was still on the air. He tweets things like: “George tries to hide that despite seeing every episode he has no idea what’s happening on Game of Thrones. Elaine buys defective yoga pants.” You can find him here.

• Touch Him – Hold his hand, hug him tight, squeeze his knee when you are watching TV. Whatever way he likes to be touched – use the power of touch to connect and soothe. If he asks, “Why are you touching me so much?” Tell him you just read an article (yes, this one!) that said the University of Illinois studied NBA basketball teams and found that the more on-court touching there was early in the season, the higher the teams scored by the end of the season. If it works for the NBA, it works for the Wifey in my book!

• Flirt – Remember how he loves to feel like he is the king of the world? Well that’s not exactly true. What your husband loves is to feel like he is the king  of *your* world. Flirting is the most direct, most fun way to convey that to him. It’s also a way you get to have fun, make him laugh and touch him at the same time. It’s a triple whammy of deliciousness. In fact, you should do that even when he’s not having a bad day, don’t you think?

• Just listen – Okay, ladies, this may seem obvious but I know there are a lot of you like me out there, looking for magic wands to wave and problems to fix when all our husbands need is just our love and listening ear. No matter how tempted you may be to find 5 potential solutions to his problems, stop, look at his beautiful eyes, focus and just listen.

QUESTION – These are 7 of my favorite ways to help my hubby on those stressful days. What do you do to help your husband cope with stress? Please share your tips in the comments.

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THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book line none other.

5 Special Gifts for National Husband’s Day

On January 22, 2014, we sponsored an unofficial new holiday: National Husband’s Day. A special day set aside for the nearly 1 million women in the Happy Wives Club community to celebrate our husbands.

Initially, my hope was we’d be able to get a government official to proclaim the day on our behalf. Our team began working on that and quickly realized the many complications of getting a date named as a holiday officially. But who needs official?

National Peanut Butter Day is one of my absolute favorite holidays. No government official has yet to recognize that officially but that doesn’t stop me from indulging in a few more spoonfuls of that tasty stuff just at the mention of its national holiday.

So let’s celebrate our special day together!

To make it easy, we’ve come up with 5 special (and free) gifts you can give your husband today to commemorate the occasion.

1. Print this certificate. If you didn’t get a chance to print this off last year, you may still want to print it now to let your husband know you’re a proud member of this club and because of his love, you’ve sponsored this day honoring him. This is the original sponsorship certificate so it includes the original 2014 date. Here is one dated for 2015.

2. Customize this proclamation. If you printed the above certificate last year as one of the original sponsors of National Husband’s Day (or even if you didn’t), we’ve created a customizable proclamation for you to give your husband this year. Customize it. Print it out (legal size paper). Frame it. Then deliver to him a gift sure to make him proud. (If your computer doesn’t allow you to customize the PDF, print this one to handwrite his name and your name instead).

3. Print a customized Book of Love. This fantastic DIY coupon book from The Dating Divas is something sure to knock your husband’s socks off. Surprise him with this creative book that gives him all the things he wants most…one coupon at a time.

4. Write the perfect love letter. Have you ever written your husband a love letter? Not just a few words at the bottom of a card but actually write the card yourself? If not, today’s a pretty fantastic day to sharpen your writing skills. To make it easy, here are 7 ways to write the perfect love letter.

5. Spoil your spouse date night. There’s no better night than tonight to spoil your spouse. This date night is all about doing what your husband loves to do. No marital compromise here –this is his night!

Any excuse to celebrate those fabulous hubbies of ours is a good enough excuse for me.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

We’re SO close to our goal! JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.