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7 Practical Ways to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great

Here is one of the things I love most about this club.  We run the gamut from women in powerful corporate positions to stay-at-home moms to entrepreneurs to women pursuing every passion project imaginable.

When I first met Courtney Joseph, I was amazed at how much she loved being a stay-at-home mom.  And I mean she LOVES it!  

The pleasure she gets out of doing the dishes, folding laundry and cooking dinner, is the same pleasure I get from being an entrepreneur.  

When her husband comes home, it’s usually to a clean house with dinner on the table.

When my husband comes home, it’s more often than not to a “straightened up” house (if I get to it before him) and I’m a master “take out” chef.  

How we take care of our homes couldn’t be more different but how we love on our husbands is exactly the same: Just the way they like it!

Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or a corporate raider, this post has wisdom for us all.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Back in November of 2009, I was featured on the Rachael Ray Show.  I was not featured because I had some depth of wisdom on marriage but rather I was “Exhibit A” of a “Happy Wife”.  Their producers zeroed in specifically on how I shared that it was a joy for me to take care of my husband. 

They sent a camera crew to my home to record me cooking, cleaning and taking care of our children with a smile.  It certainly didn’t feel television worthy, but to Rachael Ray, I was an anomaly.  During our interview, she sought to understand how a girl with a college degree could find fulfillment in this.  She even went so far as to ask the audience, with a show of hands, how many found this offensive?

This will only be offensive if you are comparing your marriage to my marriage.  But since you are unique and your husband is unique; then you have a unique marriage.  It’s important that we learn what works best in each of our own marriages as we seek to please our own husband and no one else.

Here are 7 practical ways to take your marriage from good to great.

1. Tell your husband you like him!  This is different than just saying you love him.  It can be so habitual to say “I love you”, that it loses its meaning.  But truly does he know that you like and enjoy him as a person?  Have you told him lately?

2. Praise his good decisions.

3. Be gracious with his bad decisions.

4. When you disagree with him, discuss it in private – not in front of the kids or friends. The respect you give him will draw him nearer to you.

5. Work toward not being critical of your husband – compliment him. Your husband married you because you made him feel wonderful.  Continue to make him feel this way.

6. Listen –- every husband is different. Open your heart and listen intently to his frustrations,     worries, and fears.

7. Kiss him like you mean it!

This list takes a lot of selflessness and you may feel like your husband will never reciprocate – but a great marriage with deep intimacy doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice and developing healthy habits that enrich both of your lives so you can reap the blessings that God desires for you and your marriage.

So do it — try number one right now!  Text, email, facebook or tweet your husband and tell him you like him.  

Then when you see him next – praise him for a good decision he has made. Surely you can think of at least one – he married you right?  That’s a good decision!  He will walk two inches taller. 

Proceed to numbers 3, 4, 5 and 6 and trust me – he’ll LOVE number 7 and I bet you will too if you are practicing the first six.

Need more encouragement in your walk with God, marriage, parenting and homemaking?  Then join thousands of women who have begun the journey through my newly released book titled, Women Living Well: Finding Your Joy in God, Your Man, Your kids and Your Home. Don’t forget to download your free Companion Study Guide >> here <<.

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Encouragement for the Happy Wife {yes, we need it too}

You married your knight in shining armor.  Life with your hubby is better than you ever dreamed.  

So why aren’t you happy every moment of every day – all the time?

Marriage is truly one of the greatest gifts of this lifetime.  Nothing makes me smile quite like waking up next to my best friend.  But marriage is not the sum total of your entire life.  

It is a grand, awesome, wonderful,  supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (yep, Mary Poppins fan here) thing, but every life is multifaceted and the life of a happy wife is no different.

When a business deal goes bust or something you desired so much doesn’t happen, happiness may elude you momentarily.  

When your toddler or teenager tests your patience at the greatest level, happiness may seem a fleeting thought for that time and space.

It’s okay.  Be encouraged.  No one, in touch with their innermost feelings (and not afraid to express vulnerability), is happy all the time.

There are moments when you might feel like the wind has been knocked out of you.  Be encouraged.  

When the butterflies fluttering around in your stomach are representing nervousness instead of the butterflies of love you’re accustomed to, don’t get discouraged.

I love my life.  I adore my husband.  I’m the happiest wife I know.  But I also face disappointment at times, frustration in less-than-noble moments, and at times, wish I could bypass all future hurt and pain.

And here’s what I’ve learned: it’s okay.  And an even greater lesson, is how much faster I can return to happiness when I share my innermost feelings with my husband.  Two is better than one – absolutely!

Just yesterday, I received some pretty shocking news.  It took Keith by surprise too.  It rocked me for a little bit and did a number on my confidence.  Within hours, I did two things:

1) Expressed exactly how I felt with my husband and held no disappointment back.  Vulnerability was on full display, because I trust him.  This allowed me to talk things through and to realize the situation was truly no cause for alarm, just adjustment; and 2) My husband and I prayed together (love it when he prays over me).

Yes, happiness is a choice and I chose it in time to end my day on a high note.  But being vulnerable with my spouse and allowing him to speak words of encouragement to me, as well as to team up and figure out the best way to move forward, provided a pathway back home, to my happy heart.

Don’t be afraid of your disappointments.  Don’t run from your frustrations.  Know that your husband is the one person on earth you can remain vulnerable with at all times, because he is your trusted partner for life.  And together, you can take on the world.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

The One Thing to Remember About Your Husband

On my way to Dallas today, I sat on the plane next to a lovely woman, married twenty-three years.

We immediately struck up a conversation and at the forefront, of course, was the Happy Wives Club.

I told her about my new book and how I traveled to 12 countries and 6 continents, interviewing couples married at least as long as she and her husband, to deduce the common denominator among the happiest ones.

As you can imagine, she then had a ton of questions.

She wanted to know as much as possible about what I’d discovered during my travels.

She then posed a marriage-related scenario and wanted to know my thoughts based on what I’d learned.  ”When major stresses happen, how did the couples you interviewed handle that?  What did they do differently?”

Teaming up and becoming a formidable foe of the challenge rather than allowing the problem to turn them against one another was the answer.  

But it wasn’t just that.  It was also a particular outlook.

So if you remember nothing else, here is the one thing to remember about your husband: 

“The best time to love with your whole heart is always now, in this moment, because no breath beyond the current is promised.”

I shared with her how my husband and I, in ten years, have always concluded our phone calls with “I love you” and never walk out of the house without telling the other how much they are loved.

Yes, we’re corny and incredibly mushy (and when I shared an office space with several other women years ago, it drove them a bit batty) but we also recognize the present moment is all we have.  

In Monday’s post, I posed the question: “What positive thing do you ‘know for sure’ about marriage?”  This was the heartfelt response from a reader, Kristen:

“I lost my husband to cancer almost 2 years ago. We had a great marriage with all the ups and downs but with lots of love, laughter and hope for the future. I can say that you have to truly cherish your life together because there may be a day that comes when you are apart and you will want to be proud of your marriage and how you treated your spouse. I meet fellow widows/widowers that are haunted by their regrets and it is very difficult for them to recover and live life again.

“Wake up every morning, take an inventory of your life and be thankful for what you have. And tell your spouse that. Tell your spouse frequently that you love him/her. Tell him/her how much you love your life together. Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. I think sometimes we forget that part and get caught up in life. One of the most basic human needs is to know that we are appreciated, special and loved- who better than to reaffirm that than your spouse?”

You can weather every one of life’s storms…as long as you stick together and love fully each moment of every day.  I’m striving to have a regret-free marriage.  What about you?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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5 Things I ‘Know for Sure’ About Marriage

Media tycoon and Super Soul Sunday host, Oprah Winfrey, has a column in her magazine called “What I Know for Sure,” something that began on her popular daytime talk show years ago.

I remember the first time I heard her mention, “What I know for sure,” and thinking, “That’s a pretty cool concept,” and wondering what it is I know for sure.

After spending the past three years researching the topic of happiness and what it takes to create and cultivate a happy marriage, there are a few things I can say with complete certainty.

There are consistencies in the habits of every happily married couple I’ve interviewed from Winnipeg to Capetown to Auckland and that each would attest to as being reflective in their marriage.

In the end, I do not consider myself an expert.  I do my darndest not to offer advice.  I am, however, a lifelong learner; a studious listener.  

In my observations and studying of happily married couples (including my own), here are 5 things I ‘know for sure’ about marriage:

1. Effort and consistency are not an option.  The happiest couples I’ve interacted with over the years, more than I can even count, all have this in common.

2. Friendship is essential. For a lot of married couples, as they began their life together, their personalities and various traits start off pretty far apart (hand raised in the air here).  Then over time, the distance between their various differences begin to shrink.  True friends accept each other’s differences and love you into becoming your best self.  This is why friendship is something marriages cannot flourish without.  

3. Laughter is paramount.  Crack a joke.  Any joke, any time a day, and just laugh together.  Don’t take yourself too seriously. Those happily married can joke about each other’s shortcomings, quirks and idiosyncrasies without getting offended. 

4. Happiness is not based on external circumstances.  Contrary to popular belief, scientists and psychologists have long proven that genuine happiness is not based on external circumstances.  Genuine happiness is something that must be cultivated.  Making a moment-by-moment decision to see the glass as half full is not by luck or coincidence; it is by choice.  

5. Teamwork makes the marriage work.  A mantra often quoted in the corporate and sports worlds is teamwork makes the dream work.  What I’ve discovered in my own life, and the lives of the countless couples I’ve interviewed, is this is even more true when it comes to marriage.

Question: What positive thing do you ‘know for sure’ about marriage?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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The #1 Secret to a Happy Marriage {bet you can guess it!}

I know I’m making a bold declaration by claiming I may know the #1 secret to a happy marriage.  But hear me out.

Last year, with the backing of an awesome publisher (thanks, Thomas Nelson!), I traveled to 18 cities in 12 countries on 6 continents to interview couples happily married -25 years or more- to deduce the common denominator among them.

When I first launched the Happy Wives Club in 2010, I had a column on the site called Sage Wisdom.  For those of you who have been reading since that time, you probably remember that was my favorite section.

For that column, I would interview women happily married for more than a quarter of a century and share their timeless advice.  

What I discovered in those interviews and in conversations with the women of this wonderful club, was no matter where a person resided in the world -and regardless of primary language, religion, socioeconomic status, culture or upbringing- they all sounded the same.

It was as if they grew up in the same household and all learned the principles to a happy and lifelong marriage together.  Some of their responses were uncannily similar. So much so that it got me thinking:

Is it possible there is a universal secret to a happy marriage and these couples know what it is and would be willing to share it?

That question fueled what would become a six-month long journey.  As a former hotel general manager for a Hilton-family property, and former manager for Starwood, I’d made friends from all over the world.  I contacted the ones I respected the most and asked these two questions:

“When I mention the phrases, ‘happy marriage’ and ‘still in love after all these years,’ who is the couple that instantly comes to mind?  If I were to come to your community, who would be the one couple everyone would vouch for as being 100-percent genuine and would say their love has stood the test of time?”

Asking those two questions was enlightening.  First, I learned that each of my friends could easily think of that one couple.  And second, I quickly realized that beyond that one couple, many couldn’t think of another like them.

So I reached out to each of the couples recommended -in Canada, South Africa, Mauritius, Croatia, Australia, New Zealand, and so many other places around the globe- and asked if they’d be willing to open up their lives to me and share their marital secrets of success. 

By the time I arrived at my 7th country, I knew I was on to something very special.  I hosted a tea with 10 Filipina women from the Happy Wives Club, with the youngest marriage being a year old and the oldest being just shy of her 34th anniversary. 

While sitting there, I asked Erlinda (the woman married the longest) the same question I’d asked everyone on my travels before her: “What is the one thing you would say is of the utmost importance for every marriage, the one thing every couple must do?”

Without pausing for even a full second, she responded.  Mutual respect.  “Every couple must have mutual respect.”  

At the sound of those two words, I turned to all the other women seated around the table enjoying banana bread and tea, ”I have been to seven countries so far, you are my eighth.  And the first answer given when I ask that question has been the same in every single country.”

“That just gave me chills,” Mai, the newlywed of the group, said while rubbing her arms as if to generate warmth.

All-in-all, I discovered 12 common denominators -universal truths, if you will- between all the couples I interviewed.  So now, when someone asks me, “Is there a universal secret to a happy marriage?” I’m able to answer with confidence.  Yes.  Absolutely.  There are at least 12 of them.

If you’re interested in learning more about my journey, and the universal secrets to a happy marriage I learned along the way, you can start by downloading the first four chapters for free.  

The book, entitled Happy Wives Club: One Woman’s Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, went on presale today, and for incredibly selfish reasons, I’d be so honored if you would click here to learn more about it.  Of course, you can also pre-order the book (**wink wink**) for you and your closest girlfriends (Amazon and Barnes & Noble have the book on presale TODAY for 25% off), which would serve two purposes:  

First, it would reassure me that this amazing journey and all the weeks away from home, were well worth the cost.  And secondly, that each of us believe, no matter how beautiful our marriage, we can always make it better.  Going from good to great and from great to extraordinary.  That’s what this life -and marriage- is all about.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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12 Great Lessons for the First 12 Months of Marriage

Earlier this year, I was at a conference in Chicago and overheard someone sharing the purpose of their blog, “It’s all about doing exactly what you want to do in life; what you’re passionate about.  

“It’s about crossing everything off your bucket list long before you kick the bucket.  Living your best life now.  That’s why it’s called Why Not Girl.”

One week later, I received an email from a wonderful friend of mine who said, “There’s someone I want you to meet.  You’ll love her.”

Wouldn’t you know it, the woman was the “Why Not Girl,” Lauren.  

We were introduced over the phone, talked about love, life and marriage and I instantly knew I wanted her to write a guest article.  

If you are a newlywed, this post is just for you!  And if you’re not a newlywed, please consider sharing this with all those you know who are in their early years of marriage.  Enjoy!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I thought to myself, “What a great concept!  Encouraging women to conquer their fears and pursue their greatest hopes and dreams.”

My husband Chris and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary last weekend.  While we were spending time together on the balcony of our hotel overlooking Monterey Bay I began thinking of the last 12 months of our lives together and everything that we’ve been through.

Not only had we been married, but we also decided to both take on new jobs (I was starting my own company as well as packing our bags to move from Chicago to the San Francisco Bay Area).  Talk about taking on a lot of change!

But with all of this, I realize that with each month that has passed by, we have both learned a lot about ourselves, the other and how we want to have a happy marriage.

12 Lessons for the First 12 Months of Marriage

Lesson from Month #1 (November): Sharing family time during the holidays is essential.  We’re lucky that we both get to see our families at Christmastime, but we made the decision to alternate families for Thanksgiving.  It’s definitely rough on the family that doesn’t get us this first time around, but it’s a fair way to see them when one set is on the East Coast and the other is in Southern California.

Lesson from Month #2 (December): Before you throw something out, ask first.  When you’re packing up to move 2,500 miles away, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the number of boxes that suddenly take over your apartment.

But even when you are so desperate to get the job done, it is a good idea to ask your husband if something holds a special meaning before tossing it to make room for all of the new dishes you just got off your wedding registry.  You may not know the hidden beauty of that “ugly” candy dish.

Lesson from Month #3 (January): You don’t always need to talk, especially in the car.  Just because you are not in constant conversation doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t like talking to you.

Chris and I drove along Route 66 and there were definite stretches of time where we just listened to audiobooks.  I sometimes wondered if it was because he didn’t have anything to say to me, but I quickly learned that a great story narrated by Edward Hermann from Gilmore Girls is just too good not to listen.  (FYI, definitely listen to Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.)

Lesson from Month #4 (February): Gifts don’t need to cost much.  Since I’m working on building my own website and have given up a steady paycheck, it was hard to justify spending a lot on a Valentine’s Day gift for my husband.  But I also didn’t want him to think that he is going to lose out in the gift department.  So I made him a handmade gift and it turns out that he loves it more than anything I could buy him. 

Lesson from Month #5 (March): Make your own party.  Being an Irish girl from the East Coast who lived in Chicago, I must admit that I was a bit disappointed in the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations here in San Francisco.  But with the help of my husband, we learned that we’re both really creative and can easily have a good time with some beer, green food coloring and each other.

Lesson from Month #6 (April): Celebrate our independence.  Both of us have lived on our own and lead pretty busy lives.  I think it’s safe to say that we absolutely enjoy being with each other, but we also appreciate the time we have to ourselves.  It keeps us who we are and also gives us tons to talk about over dinner.

Lesson from Month #7 (May): Take-out delivery is just a phone call away.  I’m not the best of cooks (fortunately my husband is).  But for those times that I have all intentions to cooking him the best meal after he’s been gone on a work trip and it doesn’t turn out as planned, it’s nice to know that both of us are not against having the great new Indian food place supply us with dinner.  Thank you, Grub Hub!

Lesson from Month #8 (June): Patience is a virtue.  This rule applies even on the golf course. While my husband is a spectacular golfer, he knows that I’m not.  We’ve learned that perhaps nine holes may take as much time as a full round and if a group comes up behind us, there’s nothing worse than a frazzled wife with a club in her hands.

Lesson from Month #9 (July): We may never become regulars of anywhere.  While we may want to one day have a place where everyone knows our name, we realize that it may not be anytime soon.  Right now we’re having a lot of fun exploring the area and doing as much as we can.

Lesson from Month #10 (August): There’s nothing like home sweet home.  Even though both of us like our independence, it’s always nice to get back to see the family.  It puts a lot of perspective on where you are now and where you hope to be 35 years from now.  Thanks, Moms and Dads for showing us two great examples of a happy marriage.

Lesson from Month #11 (September): Good things come to those who wait.  We don’t get summer now until September and while the transition in seasons has been hard on me, I do need to remember that we’re not shuffling through snow for five months out of the year here.  I need to stop complaining on how cold it is.  Heck, it’s not like we have to wear down coats here.

Lesson from Month #12 (October): Time flies when you’re having fun.  If this is the case, then this has been the most fun year of my life.  That being said, I think we both have made a mental note to savor every second that we have together.  If life is going to fly like it has been, then it’s up to us to keep pausing to remember how we felt a year ago and what we hope we feel forever.

 Question:  What were some lessons you learned (or are learning) in the first year of marriage?

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Happy With My Family of Two {Stories of Infertility & Love}

If you’ve read my journey of marriage over the past ten years, you likely know there is one thing our love has not been able to overcome: Infertility.

“Our reproductive system is broken,” I reminded a few friends of mine over lunch on Friday.

We all shared a good laugh because -according to them- I said it like a little kid, matter-of-factly, and with complete abandon.

I’m not ashamed of it and don’t feel ‘less than’ because we haven’t been able to reproduce.  It’s just a piece of fabric in the beautiful tapestry that is our marriage.

We’ve never allowed it to impact the strength of our friendship or love.  We know expanding our family would be amazing; a dream come true.  But if that never happens, we are perfectly happy with our family of two.

That is why this post by HWC contributor, Lauren (aka Aunt LaLa) touched my heart.  There are so many couples who face the challenge of infertility and allow it to chip away at the armor of their marriage.  

Don’t allow that couple to be you.

Your love is stronger than infertility and your family of two is more than enough.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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On my wedding day someone asked me, “So when are we going to see some little J’s and little L’s running around?” Seriously, I’m not making this up.  I just smiled and said the same answer I’d been telling people. “I need to finish college first.”

I was already weary of that answer and it was just the beginning of our marriage.  Now, years later, that question never seems to go away.  

At times, I’ve thought about answering with: “Well, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for four years, have suffered one miscarriage, and at this point aren’t sure if we ever will be pregnant. But thanks for the reminder.”

Maybe that’s a tad dramatic of a response but some days I am definitely tempted. 

This is not coming from someone who embraces the thought of not having kids.  I am not someone who thought it would take this long for us to have children (I had a plan, you know).  This is someone who desires to be a mother…one day.

It was a process to be able to accept our family of two.  Honestly, my husband has been a great encourager and began to help me embrace this thought of a family of two.

There were some truths I had to come to grips with:

1) I can choose to set aside the “plans” I had for my life.  Those plans I felt entitled to that have not happened as I thought they should/would.

2) I can either continue to let our infertility overtake my life or embrace what is in the now.

3) I came up with the first plan, I can come up with another.  I am able to make new and improved plans with my husband.

4) To find happiness in this moment, and not allow life to pass me by, I must embrace our family of two and start making memories today.

For some time, everything had become overrun with grief over the loss of our precious baby and the dreams I had for our lives.

That was the past, this is now.  And in this moment, this point in our life, I can honestly say I am happy with our family of two!  My husband and I are crafting new plans! If you too have a story of infertility (or other plans you made for your marriage that haven’t yet happened), take this time to reevaluate.

Infertility can really be a stumbling block in your marriage and can take over your life…if you allow it.

Remember you still have each other and are the best companions for one another. So live life in the now and see what great things you can achieve TOGETHER!

Since I made this decision, I have had the weight lifted off my shoulders. There is not as much pressure in reproducing. My answer now is “We are a family of two for now and are enjoying every minute of it.” Guess what? It is actually true.

Question: What have you enjoyed most about your family of two?

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5 Unique Ways to Make Your Man Feel Special in 5 Minutes or Less

If there is anything we, as women, seem to need more of each day it’s time.  

More minutes, more hours, more days to get everything done.

As the wife to one heck of a man, I want him to know every moment of every day how much I love and adore him.  I don’t want him to ever feel as though he’s playing second fiddle to my work or various passions in life.

So how do I do this, while ensuring everything important on my to-do list for the day gets checked off?  Incrementally.

Little things throughout the day.  Pauses where there’s nothing else on my mind but that fabulous man of mine.  

These ideas aren’t earth shattering or life altering, but they are a way to let your hubby know how much he means to you, no matter how busy your day may become.

5 Unique Ways to Make Your Man Feel Special in 5 Minutes or Less

Walk Away From the Computer, Pick Up the Phone.  Whether you work from home, an office or are a stay-at-home mom, I don’t know of one woman who doesn’t spend hours on the computer each day.  

Be intentional about walking away from the computer, closing your laptop, and pick up the phone to check in and ask how his day is going.  The important thing about this phone call is for your attention to be 100-percent on him.  Attentive and interested.  You’d be surprised how your voice in the middle of the day can give him an immediate boost.

Pocket Gratitude Note.  What area of his clothes is he bound to check at least once throughout his day?  His back pant pocket, wallet, shirt pocket?  Spend a few minutes thinking about something he recently did that caused you to feel grateful, and then write it in a small note and pack it in one of his pockets.  Let him know how much he is appreciated.

Pick Up His Favorite Treat.  The next time you are at the store, don’t just pick up what is on your list.  What is his “guilty pleasure” you can find in the grocery store aisle?  Sweet or savory?  Whatever it is, pick it up and then have it waiting for him when he arrives home (or when you walk through the door).

Reach Out to His Family to Say Hello.  If you’re not already close to his family, this will mean even more (and you may want to check out this post on building a better relationship with your in-laws).  

If you’re like most, you rarely see or talk to your in-laws unless your spouse is around.  But there is something about reaching out to them and then casually mentioning it to your husband later.  ”Hey Babe, guess what your Mom did today?  She took her first yoga class.”  Well, maybe that won’t be what she did but you get the point.  Showing interest in his family signals that they mean as much to you as they do to him.

Give Him a Quickie.  Hmmmm…where is your mind with this one?!  Go online and watch a quick tutorial on giving the perfect neck or foot massage (YouTube has tons of tutorials) and then practice what you learn on your husband.  The key to this is the tutorial because he’ll feel like he has his own personal masseuse (and really, what masseuse will ever be as good as you!).

QUESTION: What other suggestions do you have that can be added to this list? 

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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25 Great Tips for Building a Relationship With Your In-Laws

Prior to marrying, my husband and I went through a twelve-week premarital counseling course with a psychologist whose main focus was marriage.  

Best. Money. Spent. Ever.

We covered every topic under the sun, ranging from finances to children to our pasts and everything in between.  

In our ten years together since that time, I can honestly say there is nothing we’ve encountered that we hadn’t already discussed a “what if” for during those 12 weeks.

At least, that was is the statement I made a couple weeks ago and Keith quickly corrected me.  ”There was an incident with my Mom…and that wasn’t expected.”

Yikes!  I’d forgotten all about that.  Yes, his mother and I are very similar in alot of ways but incredibly different in others.  And when Keith and I were first married, one of those differences caused a momentary rift.

Thankfully, for the both of us, Keith was wise enough to know the best way to bridge the divide and we quickly came to understand how the differences in our personalities and the way we handle certain things could adversely impact our relationship.   

What I discovered during that time, and have continued to learn over the years, was our love for that man of mine (her son) should always take precedence.  And I truly love and adore her too.

Over the weekend, I posted this graphic in our Facebook community that simply read, “To my mother-in-law, thank you for raising the love of my life.”  It was “liked” more than 15,000 times and shared almost as many.

That got me to thinking, I bet the women of this club have some great tips for building a relationship with your in-laws.  So this morning, I posed the question, “If you get along well with your in-laws, what would you say has been the key to building that relationship?”  

More than 500 people responded and provided us with some great tips.  If I could quickly sum up what seemed to make the most difference it was B.RA.W.L: Boundaries, Respect, Acceptance, Willingness and Love.

So instead of having a “brawl” with your in-laws, as so many unfortunately do, remember they are a part of what made your wonderful spouse who they are and try this version [of brawling] instead:

Common Courtesy Can Go a Long Way. “My experience was difficult at first. But, when I realized that they didn’t dislike me, they just would miss their son, it all changed. Respect, honesty and common courtesy goes a long way. Eventually, the F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real) goes away, guards are dropped and you realize you’re now an extended family – not a discontinuation of one.” -Jenny Campbell

Seek Advice Without Accusation. “Understand that they have loved your spouse much longer than you. Never put them in a position where they have to defend their child. Seek advice without accusations. Celebrate them for their support and encouragement of your spouse.” -Frances Siple

Extend Grace. “…the key to our relationship is respect and grace.” -Melissa Stratton Sanchez

Treat Them As Family. I have always looked at my in-laws like they’re my blood and it has made it so much easier to get along.  We have all worked hard to make it important to us, though. It’s not always easy, but it has to matter enough to you to keep on working on it! -Laurina Rose Hendrickson

Be True to Who You Are. “Being yourself. Eventually it will work out. If you try to be something/someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line.” -Karen Royalty Smith 

Have Your Spouse Resolve Conflict.  “When there is conflict between me and whomever, I talk it over with my husband and he talks to them. For one, they’re his family and he knows how to talk to them, and for two it takes him out of the middle – he doesn’t have to choose between me and them, he helps to resolve any conflict instead of letting one build.” -Tresa Koester 

Give it Time. Realize relationships take TIME to build. One or even several large scale fights do not mean you cannot have a relationship. You may be very different people and it takes TIME to look at the world from another person’s viewpoint with love. Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. -Tristan Roszkowski 

Accentuate the Positive. “I love my mother-in-law. I think it helps to try to accentuate the positive. She is loving, giving, and incredibly kind. Of course, there are quirks that irritate me now and again, but in those moments, I try to remind myself that she is only doing what she thinks is best based off of her experience.” -Brittany Nielson 

Include Them. Including them in all aspects of our lives, calling several times a week and including them on our family vacations with the kids. We WANT our children to have amazing memories of their grandparents. One day, WE will be the grandparents and would love the same respect. -Lori Ann Kennelly

Do Not Differentiate. “We never differentiate between “YOUR family” or “MY family”. It’s always OUR family from the day we were married. We love and respect each others parents and they love and respect us. We laugh, love and support each other as much as we can.” -Barbara Rocco Adams

Let Them Out of The Box. “For me, it has been to let them out of the little box I thought they were supposed to fit in. To be patient. To love and accept them as they are! I think I expected them to be like my family, and they are not. And that’s ok. It’s great, actually! They’re awesome!” -Stacy Smith Bishop

Remember Who They Are. “Remembering they raised and love the person you love and enjoy their company.” -Jeanine Parrish Giuliano

Remove Pride. “Love! Not being so prideful myself that I ignore their wisdom and love. They truly love me as their daughter and I love them as parents. Love never fails!” -Molinda Bailey

They Are Not the Enemy. “Mutual respect, not looking at your mother in law like she is an “enemy”, set healthy boundaries early on, communicate well, and a hug truly goes a long way.” -Alaina Marie

Know Your Roles. “Respect. Knowing each person’s role in their partner’s lives. A lot of times it can verge on who is SIGNIFICANT in their lives still? Each party has a different love type and level. When both parties respect that…then you have peace and harmony.” -June Robinson

Protect Your Words. “Prayer, self-assessment, forgiveness, always be humble and protect your own words, they become a part of your life and last forever.” -Melissa Dyer
Respect Their Position. “Respect their positions as parents (and grandparents, if apply)….Always be honest….Show constant love and gratitude for raising a wonderful child!” -Sheryl Taylor

Build a Friendship. “Love them, I mean really love them. Build a friendship with them and include them in your life, not just in areas where your spouse is involved but in all areas. Pray for God to connect your families together also.” -Vycki South 

Have No Expectations. “Having their grandchildren, having no great expectations & just letting go of criticism – they see it as trying to help – believing the intention is good.” -Sara Litzkow Wax

Let Go of Grudges. “Be honest but respectful at the same time. Let go of grudges. Be patient. Have fun together! Communicate! Laugh! Share stories!” -Lesley Michelle Callahan Rogers

Don’t Put on a Show. “My relationship with my mother-in-law is separate from my relationship with my husband. I spend time alone with her…I don’t say negative things to her about him…and I act like me. I never put on a show for her.” -Angela Swartz

Bring Presumptions to the Surface. “Communication. Period. It was rough in the beginning but once I cleared the air by bringing all the presumptions to the surface, it’s been awesome ever since — and that was 13 years ago.” -Carlie Kercheval

Find a Respectful Approach. “If they raised the man of your dreams treat them as they are the reason he exists. Vent to your honey first, if something bothers you, to come up with the most respectful approach to not only them but your honey – respect them as HIS parents but love them as your own.” -Kristyn Johnson

Take Initiative. “Take initiative with them, don’t ignore them and wait for them to do so. Invite them for dinner, help your husband shop/buy gifts for them, etc. Include them in your good news! Help make them feel special and an important part of your life.” -Emily Reese

It’s a Package Deal. “Always put in mind/heart that tt’s a package deal. Love your In-laws as much as you love your husband no matter what.” -Shirley Topang

QUESTION: If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, what has been your secret to success? 

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

What to Do When Your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive

My heart poured out for him.  I could feel his pain.  Every bit of him wanted to show how much he loved his wife, in every way, at every moment.  

But stress and anxiety were causing him to “fail” her in one way and unlike everything else, he couldn’t figure out how to “fix” it.

That happened a couple weeks ago.  I was speaking with a happily married man- who I know loves and adores his wife- and yet stress from work and other challenges were impairing him in an area he never would have expected.

Yep.  That area.  Down there.

So many men, when they are young, are taught to put so much stock in “down there.”  Alot of ego is wrapped up in their ability to please.  So what do they do when that’s taken away? 

A doctor can help.  But even that can feel so invasive (and ego crushing) to some.  So after getting this question from members of this club who didn’t know exactly how to handle this, I asked our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, to help shed some light on this taboo subject.

I recognize that most of you are a part of the 70-percent this is not written for so I want to acknowledge in advance that this post won’t be for everyone.  

If you are one of the fortunate 70-percent, consider sharing this post with your married girlfriends because I guarantee someone around you needs this encouragement.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Does your husband often “have a headache”?

If you’re in one of the 30% of marriages where the WOMAN has the higher sex drive, it’s easy to feel like a freak. But after surveying thousands of men and women for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I can confidently say that there’s likely nothing wrong with you at all! It’s often just a normal part of marriage.

Marriage is a lifelong journey you take together, and that journey is going to have twists and turns. It’s not always going to stay the same.  

We’re quite aware that women’s libidos change all the time, depending on the time of month, the age of our kids, and our hormones.

We often forget that men are the same way, though for different reasons. Men have hormonal fluctuations, too–though not to the extent that we do–but often men’s sex drives will ebb and flow with stress, problems at work, and even medical conditions.

In our marriage, my husband was always the one with the higher sex drive and I would struggle to get myself in the right frame of mind so that we could have a good time together–even if I was exhausted. But when pressure from work got to be too much, he started to head to bed without asking for anything, which left me perplexed and lonely.

A few years and a new job later, we’re back on track. But those times when our husbands’ sex drives wane can bring doubt and frustration.  Based on research, as well as my personal experience, here are a few tips on what to do if your husband has a low sex drive.

Figure Out the Cause of His Lower Sex Drive

So let’s look at what could be causing his libido to head south. It could be something which is easily solved with exercise (if only exercise were easy!). Obesity and diabetes can kill libido, so going for a walk every night and taking up jogging can make you both more energetic in lots of ways!

It could also be a sign of low testosterone, which means he needs to swallow his pride and talk to the doctor. But trust me, as the wife of a physician, I can promise you: telling your doctor that you have a low sex drive will not even register in the top 10 embarrassing things that physician has heard all week.

Often, though, a guy’s lower libido is just from life. He’s stressed, he’s tired, and he’s turning inward to deal with it, rather than outward to you. So what do you do in these times when you feel distant, and worried, and even a little physically frustrated?

Keep Laughing Together

If you laugh together at least once a day, you can solve almost any problem! And laughing together helps you to feel like you’re on the same page. You build goodwill, so it’s easier to talk to your spouse about issues, too–even issues in the bedroom.

And when do you tend to laugh? When you’re doing things together! So take a walk after dinner. Start exercising. Play a card game. It doesn’t matter WHAT you do, as long as you spend time together.

Initiate!

When he’s the one with the higher sex drive, we women are often running for cover. We don’t initiate because he always does. Then, if he goes through a period of unemployment or stress at work and he’s lost the oomph to say, “come here, baby!”, your sex life can suddenly come to a screeching halt.

Maybe this just means it’s time for you to step up to the plate. Buy some sexy lingerie. Let your hands wander a bit when you’re snuggling. Tell him what you love about his body. Even if he wasn’t interested initially, he very well may reconsider!

Deal With Your Frustration

Sometimes, though, cute panties and flirting won’t cut it. He’s doubting himself. He’s tired. And he just doesn’t know if he wants to make the effort.

In that case, you could be left with a lot of pent up frustration. Don’t make that worse by feeding that frustration with chick flicks or romance novels. Channel your energy somewhere else. Psychologists call this “sublimation”, and it really is possible! Exercise a ton. Start a new hobby. Give yourself something else to think about and get excited about, so you don’t grow resentful and frustrated at your hubby.

Keep Loving Him Through It

Remember that marriage does last decades. If you go through a period of a few years of relative sexual drought, it very well may turn completely around a few years later. So do what you can now to support him and encourage him as he’s struggling, so that he knows that no matter what happens, you’re still on his team.

QUESTION: How would you encourage a couple going through this right now? 

Sheila is the author of seven books, including 31 Days to Great Sex, a 31-day challenge for couples to work through that can help reignite that spark by prompting conversations, fun, and adventure! Check it out.

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3 Simple Steps to Connect More Deeply with Your Husband

OH how I love HWC Contributor, Kim Hall!  

When I first visited her site, TooDarnHappy.com, a couple years ago, my first thought was, “This gal sounds pretty darn happy!”

For some, I know that’s a turn off; they immediately assume the person is being disengenuous.  But I’m an optimist so it drew me right in.  

The more I got to know her, the more I realized how deep that happiness ran (and her passion for practicing gratitude daily).

This much I know about Kim: she loves her husband, she adores her family, she is living the life she most desires, and she’s pretty darn happy!

For those reasons (and so many more), I love reading everything she writes.  So without further ado…

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Have you ever gotten into an apocalyptic battle a civil discussion with your husband about how you are being treated like a slave are not feeling appreciated?

Did you gain insight and perspective, or did one or both of you just ultimately walk away from the conversation with more hurt feelings?

Some time ago my hubby and I learned a better way to handle these situations, and we always come away feeling more enlightened and connected.

Here are 3 simple steps to connect more deeply with your husband:

1. Set the stage. Plan for quiet time together, just the two of you (no television or other distractions), perhaps by taking a walk, relaxing after a meal, or just getting comfortable.

2. Ask the question. The essence is this:“What do I do that shows you I love you?”

I encourage you to introduce it like this: “I’m curious. I’ve been thinking about the things that I do or could do that show you I love you, and I wonder if you would share something I do that makes you feel loved.

Your husband may need some time to think, possibly beyond today, especially if he feels he’s being pressured to give the “right answer”, which is probably not his true answer. Just be patient. After all, nagging probably doesn’t make him feel loved.

3. Respond with loving action. . . even if his answer is not what you expected. There’s an excellent possibility he may not answer with the ONE THING that you are sure makes his heart sing. But then, that is the whole point of asking, isn’t it? Your goal is to gather quality information and act with awareness so your husband will feel deeply loved. 

If his answer surprises and/or disappoints you, this is NOT your cue to pounce on him like a tiger on wounded prey. Take a few deep breaths and get curious rather than frustrated.

Take the opportunity to share with him as well. Let him know something he does that shows you he loves you.  These actions can take many forms, such as leaving little love notes, gently touching your shoulder, taking out the trash, giving you his undivided attention, etc.

Once he shares what makes him feel loved, be sure to do more of that, and you will be delighted by the results!

Remember, it is what we pay attention to in our relationship that grows. 

QUESTION: What do you do that shows your husband you love him, or what does he do for you? I invite you to join in the conversation!

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim @Too Darn Happy

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7 Easy Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage

You’ve likely seen her on the cover of a few magazines, on the beaches as a competitive volleyball player, or as a television personality.  

Now, allow me to introduce you to super athlete and healthy living icon, Gabby Reece, in a different role: Wife.

Married since 1997 to big-wave surfer, Laird Hamilton, Gabby has been candid about the challenges she and her husband faced in their early years of marriage.

Wedded bliss quickly turned into something else and four years into their union, they were headed for divorce.  

But she’s guest posting here today, because they soon discovered, what so many of us have also learned over the years: A great marriage isn’t something that just happens; it’s something that must be created.

I, for one, am so happy Gabby and Laird made it.  And I’m just as psyched she’s here today to share 7 great tips that prove she knows how to bring her “A” game on and off the court!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Let’s face it: it’s easy to fall into a routine of monotony with our daily work schedules, errands and general life up-keep. Devoting our energy to “crossing things off the list” can often leave one of life’s most important commitments (our marriages!), well, unchecked.

Don’t fret: the joy of saying “I do” includes learning new ways to say and do things that will keep your marriage exciting, interesting, and plenty spicy. Change it up with these relationship affirming tricks of the trade.

7 Easy Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage!

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5 Special Gifts for National Husband’s Day

On January 22, 2014, we sponsored an unofficial new holiday: National Husband’s Day. A special day set aside for the nearly 1 million women in the Happy Wives Club community to celebrate our husbands.

Initially, my hope was we’d be able to get a government official to proclaim the day on our behalf. Our team began working on that and quickly realized the many complications of getting a date named as a holiday officially. But who needs official?

National Peanut Butter Day is one of my absolute favorite holidays. No government official has yet to recognize that officially but that doesn’t stop me from indulging in a few more spoonfuls of that tasty stuff just at the mention of its national holiday.

So let’s celebrate our special day together!

To make it easy, we’ve come up with 5 special (and free) gifts you can give your husband today to commemorate the occasion.

1. Print this certificate. If you didn’t get a chance to print this off last year, you may still want to print it now to let your husband know you’re a proud member of this club and because of his love, you’ve sponsored this day honoring him. This is the original sponsorship certificate so it includes the original 2014 date. Here is one dated for 2015.

2. Customize this proclamation. If you printed the above certificate last year as one of the original sponsors of National Husband’s Day (or even if you didn’t), we’ve created a customizable proclamation for you to give your husband this year. Customize it. Print it out (legal size paper). Frame it. Then deliver to him a gift sure to make him proud. (If your computer doesn’t allow you to customize the PDF, print this one to handwrite his name and your name instead).

3. Print a customized Book of Love. This fantastic DIY coupon book from The Dating Divas is something sure to knock your husband’s socks off. Surprise him with this creative book that gives him all the things he wants most…one coupon at a time.

4. Write the perfect love letter. Have you ever written your husband a love letter? Not just a few words at the bottom of a card but actually write the card yourself? If not, today’s a pretty fantastic day to sharpen your writing skills. To make it easy, here are 7 ways to write the perfect love letter.

5. Spoil your spouse date night. There’s no better night than tonight to spoil your spouse. This date night is all about doing what your husband loves to do. No marital compromise here –this is his night!

Any excuse to celebrate those fabulous hubbies of ours is a good enough excuse for me.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

We’re SO close to our goal! JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.