On Wednesday, when I sat down to write 7 Ways to Create a Stress-Less Marriage During the Holidays, I had no idea HWC contributor, Kim Hall, was writing this post.
As soon as I received her email letting me know this post had been written, I knew we had a series in the making.
Kim usually writes over at TooDarnHappy.com but when she guest posts here for us, I’m the one who is usually to darn happy.
I trust you had a beautiful Thanksgiving holiday, and hope this new HWC series will help usher in a holiday season filled with less stress and more love.
Until Monday…make it a great weekend!
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The Christmas season ought to overflow with peace, joy, and love.
Too often, however, it is overshadowed by stress and irritation at the towering pile of “to do” post-it notes and lists.
I want to encourage you that there is a simple solution though: P-E-R-C.
E-R-C stands for Eliminate, Reduce and Cope, and it’s a strategy I learned from Melissa at Whole 9 Life. I later added the P, which stands for Protect.
Behind it is a simple and powerful principle of making intentional choices that respect your time, money, and relationships.
1. List everything you and your spouse can think of that you love, want, or are required to do: Gift giving, attending parties and events, mailing cards, etc. You may need a calendar to keep track, especially if you have children in school. Seeing the events on a calendar can be a powerful visual to help make decisions!
2. Make a first pass and categorize everything with a P, E, R, or C.
Melissa describes the process:
Identify those you can Eliminate, those you could Reduce and those you must simply Cope with. Consider evaluating time, money and accepted obligations all at once; you may be able to eliminate or reduce more stress than you believed. (For example, if cleaning the house on your day off is a big stressor, consider revising your budget to hire a cleaning service. If you’ve accepted too many social requests, prioritize one or two that are the most important to you, and beg off the rest. They’ll forgive you, and you really can’t afford to take on any more right now.)
Protect, of course, is for those to-do’s that are a real joy for you, such as Family Tree Trimming Day or a Christmas Eve service.
This process may take more than one pass as you negotiate the sometimes choppy waters of guilt, pride, obligation, and finance on the good ship Compromise.
If you get stuck, create a Pro and Con list to help guide your decisions. You can also ask yourself: Would I enthusiastically add this to my seasonal events if it wasn’t there already?
3. Create a master list and/or calendar of the items you choose after going through this P-E-R-C process. Creating the master list with your spouse allows you to put in writing what you will do and what he will do, allowing you to successfully divide and conquer.
4. Find reasons to be grateful for the Cope items. Intentional gratitude will help these items pass more quickly and joyfully, as opposed to responding with cries, criticism, and complaints, which will magnify your annoyance. Need help getting to grateful? Start here.
5. Savor the season. Remember there will still be busyness, as well as obligations that aren’t exciting, but intentionally choosing how to spend your time and being grateful for everything will ultimately reduce stress and increase joy. And really, isn’t that what we’d all like a little more of this holiday season?
Question: How will you use P-E-R-C to help reduce stress this holiday season?
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Thanksgiving is one of my absolute favorite holidays which is why I am so excited right now.
Turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie for everyone!
But as is the case in many homes, as soon as Thanksgiving dinner concludes, the planning and decorations for Christmas begin. And for our Jewish club members, Hanukkuh began earlier tonight.
Growing up, the holiday season was so disappointing to me. In part, because for religious reasons we never had a Christmas tree and never received gifts on Christmas.
“It’s Jesus’ birthday, not yours,” was our parent’s rationale. And although this upset me to no end when I was young, once I became an adult, I realized just how much it had shielded me from the haste and stress of the holiday season.
So even though the way I celebrate the holidays now is different from my upbringing, there are several things I still do that provides a shelter of calm during what has become, for most, the busiest and most stressful time of the year.
And for most couples, even the happiest most loving ones, the next 35 days can take a huge toll on marriage.
Since the holiday season has never been a stressful time in our household (something I hope will continue with us throughout our lifetime), I wanted to share a few of the things we do in hopes that you might find something that will also work for you.
I might not be able to help you become completely stress-free but here are 7 ways to create a stress-less marriage during the holidays.
1. Make Your Marriage a Refuge. During busy times, we have a decision to make. We can either allow the stress of the world to weigh in on our relationship or we can keep the world at bay and make our marriage a safe haven. I don’t know if the teenagers still do this but there was a time when they would raise their hand up like a stop sign to anyone they didn’t like and say, “Talk to the hand!” So let’s follow their example on this and when the stress and busyness of the world attempts to weigh in on your home and marriage, feel free to hold our your arm and tell it to, “Talk to the hand!”
2. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Super Simple). I love a beautiful Christmas tree and erecting one during this time of year is one of my husband’s greatest joys. All-white Christmas lights are one of my favorite things to look at during the holiday season. But I’ll be the first to admit, it’s not because they are always on our house. Figure out what you have the time and resources to get done this year and create your best holiday ever (minus the stress of trying to keep up with what you’ve done in year’s past). I’m not 100-percent sure but if I were to guess, this year will be a tree-free Christmas for the Weavers.
3. Divide & Conquer. A couple weeks ago, I got a new license plate that reads TEAM WVR. Oftentimes when we are RSVP for events, instead of sending in a reply that “Keith and Fawn Weaver,” we’ll RSVP under Team Weaver. This is our normal way of life but it’s even more important during the holidays. Don’t try to take everything on yourself. Write a list of what needs to get done and then ask your husband to partner with you in tackling every item on that list. Two are so much better than one.
4. Consider Giving to Those In Need. ”It is better to give than to receive,” is no cliché. There are few greater truths in life than this and if you ever want to put your life in perspective, go to your local homeless shelter and serve. Just for one day. Take the entire family and see if you don’t walk out of there wanting nothing more than to take every present you planned to put under the Christmas tree and give it to someone you had the priviledge of meeting that day.
5. Manage Expectations. Look at your bank account now. If you can’t afford to do what it is you want to do or what it is you’ve done in the past, it’s okay. Just say it. Telling someone you love that you just can’t afford to get what it is you’d like to get them or to do what it is you’d like to do may be humbling, but when it’s all over you will feel like the weight of the world has rolled off your shoulders. If from the offset, everyone knows what to expect, the pressure is decreased tremendously and you and your husband can feel great knowing that you’ve done what you can and what you can is more than enough.
6. Exercise Together. Okay, so this may seem out of place given the first five tips listed but there is truly no better time throughout the year to exercise for two reasons: 1) We usually eat way more than we should, pack on extra poundage and then stress about getting it off; and 2) Endorphins, baby! One of the best natural stress fighters is released into your body the moment you begin to exercise…and…when you have sex. That’s precisely why sexercise was invented!
7. Don’t Skimp on the Sex. Let’s keep those endorphins flowing! Two of the best ways to get them going are exercise and sex. It’s during stressful times that we tend to forget about basic things like making love regularly. But this is the time when we need it most. Not only to release stress and tension but to be joined together as one (in the most literal sense possible ). And if you need a little more convincing on this one, here are 4 benefits of making love…for you!
Part two of this series will be posted on Friday night and will come to you by way of the fabulous Kim Hall at Too Darn Happy. Looking forward to reading that one myself.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
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Years ago, a movie came out called Why Did I Get Married? The ads indicated there would be plenty of drama but also a redemptive quality to the movie; reminding us all why we got married.
Sitting in the theater, as the movie came an end, the first thing I thought was, “Man, if my marriage were like that, I’d have no idea why I’d gotten married?”
Thank goodness for us, marriage doesn’t have to be filled to the brim with stress, strife, drama, fussing and fighting.
It can be wonderful, beautiful, transformative, and the greatest partnership in life.
I was reminded of that this weekend as Keith was talking me down off a ledge. Not literally, of course, but figuratively.
Last week was tough. My to-do list seemed never-ending. Most days began at 4am and went well into the night. I was exhausted. I felt defeated.
A lot of amazing and wonderful things also happened throughout the week, but as is often the case for most of us, I was fixated on the one thing that I wanted to see happen that hadn’t yet materialized.
Isn’t it funny how we can oftentimes miss 20 blessings in search of the one that seems to elude us?
Maybe it’s just me.
Keith challenged my thoughts. He questioned my wavering faith. And then he helped me to right my wrong thinking. I’d lost my focus and it had taken me on a stress-induced roller coaster of emotions.
That wasn’t pretty, I assure you.
But there he was, as he always has been. Ready to lift me up, wipe my tears, hold me tight, there to encourage me, and to hold a mirror to my face. You are destined for greatness. You are already great. A singular setback doesn’t negate all of your success. Get it together, my love.
He sat me on his lap, rested my head on his shoulder and prayed. He prayed that I’d remember we’re not in this alone and it’s okay for me to get some rest. I’m not a super hero. He prayed that my faith would be strengthened and that this time would not be remembered by the stress that was felt but by the foundation of greatness that was laid.
Entering one of my favorite times of the year, Thanksgiving week, I thought about his words, his encouragement and our partnership. My gratitude for not only what he says and what he does, but simply for who he is. I have no idea where I would be if I didn’t say, I do, ten marvelous years ago.
So if you ask me why I got married, it’s a very simple question for me to answer. Because I would have been crazy not to. My life was made a thousand times greater the moment he uttered, “You are my life. Would you do me the honor of being my wife.” It was changed instantly and it’ll never be the same.
Marriage is an incalculable gift. One not to be taken for granted. Something to give thanks for every day. Not just on Thanksgiving but every day.
So to my husband, Keith Edward Weaver, you are my life. Thank you for the honor of being your wife.
And to you, I pose the same question I just answered above. Why did you get married?
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
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Earlier this week, I let the cat out of the bag in our weekly newsletter that Happy Wives Club has gotten behind something really BIG that is about to happen!
We are exactly two months away from National Love Your Husband Day. Never heard of that holiday? Well, keep reading…
Earlier this year, I came across an article about Love Your Wife Day in Japan. Annually, men line up in a town square, flanked by bouquets of flowers for their wives.
One-by-one, they walk onto a stage and begin professing love for their wives – at the top of their lungs. Literally.
Initially, when I saw a video on it, I thought, “Why are they yelling like that? Don’t they know the microphone will project their voice?”
Whatever the reason, it seemed like each husband had been waiting all year for that one special day to put the love they have for their wife on full display for all of Japan to see.
“We need a national holiday like this for our husbands!” I thought. ”Minus the time square and yelling thing.”
So I began investigating. How can Happy Wives Club sponsor a national holiday?
I knew there were days like National Peanut Butter Day (January 24th) and National Kissing Day (July 6th), so there had to be a way to create one to publicly shower our husbands with love.
A wonderful friend, who is a former Congressional staffer, began researching what it would take to sponsor a national holiday. She discovered, there are two ways (one pretty simple, one quite difficult) so we decided to pursue both.
The result: Beginning in 2014, National Love Your Husband Day will become a reality. So mark your calendars now!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Of course, this doesn’t mean we love on our husbands any less every day of the week. This is just one day a year to go all out – to do something for him you might not usually do. And that, my friends, is the reason I sent out the announcement in our newsletter (**you can sign up for it too, by the way**) two months in advance and why I’m now mentioning it here.
After sharing this news with our newsletter subscribers, I received hundreds of emails filled with excitement. And yes, I read and responded to each one (still responding, actually). From many of these emails emerged some fantastic ideas for things other women have begun planning to do for their husbands on January 22nd.
Based on those responses, I’ve pulled together 5 creative ideas to help you begin planning for that special day with your man:
1. Give him this free printable or this one (how cool is this?!) that shows you were one of the original sponsors of this holiday. As a member or supporter of the Happy Wives Club (over 400,000 and counting), you are the only reason this holiday has materialized. Take pride in that and let him know his love inspired you to be a part of making sure this holiday was created…just for him. (**You only need to join the Club, if you haven’t already, to be one of the original sponsors.)
2. Choose from any of these cheap and creative ‘just because’ gift ideas for him. Some of these take time and planning but you have two full months before National Love Your Husband Day so you should be in good shape.
3. Call your husband’s job and request the day off. Now, only do this one if it will not embarrass or upset him. The husband of a friend of mine did this recently and she was overjoyed. She was running around planning to get to a meeting with her boss and coworkers and they all told her, “Sorry, you’re not coming. Go home. Darryl has plans for you.” It was such an amazing surprise (it wasn’t her birthday or their anniversary) and from that moment on, her entire office knew exactly how much her husband was in love.
4.Turn your Husband Gratitude List into a beautiful handmade card or have one of your creative friends (or you, if you’re a creative, Etsy, DIY soul) turn it into a beautiful printable that you can frame.
5. If you’re parents, arrange for a babysitter or family to come and take care of the kids. One woman who responded said she began planning the day based on a carpool schedule. She was arranging a carpool with another mom in advance and as soon as she gets the kids out of the house, this special day with her husband will begin (and, of course, he has no idea).
Rest assured, I’ll be posting tons of ideas for National Love Your Husband Day between now and January 22, 2014. But make sure you mark your calendar now and let the planning of this special day in our household begin.
Until Monday…make it a great weekend!
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I cannot believe Thanksgiving is already upon us. Is it just me or did this year fly by faster than the road runner?
Like many, Thanksgiving is one of my absolute favorite holidays.
For one, Keith and I are royally spoiled by his mother who prepares a feast for more than 60 people – his side of the family and mine.
Three rotisserie turkeys (Keith actually makes these), three oven baked turkeys, two homemade carmelized hams, beef brisket – and that’s just the meats. We won’t even begin to talk about the side dishes and desserts (which last year topped a whopping 20).
My mom-in-love enjoys cooking for Thanksgiving like I enjoy sleeping in the day after. And although I don’t join her for the cooking festivities, I fully get into the spirit of the holiday – the real meaning of it…gratitude.
If I were to begin a list right now of all the things I’m grateful for from this past year, I would still be writing come this time tomorrow.
Following a lunch meeting today at this fabulous restaurant in Venice called The Gratitude Cafe, one of the participants said, “Okay, before we leave, we have to answer the question written on all of the plates here. What are you grateful for?”
I paused to think for a moment and before I could give my response, Sosie (who was there with her handsome husband and business partner) blurted, “Our husbands!”
Yes, our husbands.
When I think of my husband, and the amazing man he is, I can easily come up with 50 reasons I am grateful for him. But really, how would that benefit you? Not to mention, by the time I got to the end of my list, who would believe me anyway? (Keith is pretty amazing, you know?)
So here’s what I’d love for us to do between now and Thanksgiving. Each day, take time to write 7 reasons you’re grateful for your husband. In seven days, you would have written 49 reasons. Then on the eighth day, Thanksgiving, write one more reason you are grateful for that wonderful man of yours.
Of course, he’s flawed. Aren’t we all? But taking the time to focus on all the reasons you have to be grateful, and specifically for him, you’ll be reminded daily of how fortunate you are…to be loved by him.
I’m going to start my list here to get our “grateful juices” flowing. Then, I trust, you’ll finish this list for yourself:
1. I am grateful to have a teammate in this lifetime. ”There is no ‘i’ in ‘we’” may be a cliche for some, but for my husband that is his only way of life.
2. I am grateful for his humility. I learn from him every day.
3. I am grateful for him completely stepping out of his comfort zone and writing this awesome blog post on Monday (his first time ever!): Happy Husbands Club.
4. Not only did he write that post challenging us all to do one special thing every day this week for our spouse, he did it. The first day, I went to my car to leave for an appointment only to find that he’d taken it out first thing in the morning and filled up the gas tank. On the second day, he cleaned our entire place before heading to work. Today is day three so I can’t wait until he comes home so I can see what today’s “special” thing will be.
5. I am grateful that he chose me. He’s quite a catch and any woman in the world would have been lucky to have and to hold. But he chose me…until the end of time.
Take out your pen and pad and let’s get to writing. And on Thanksgiving when you’re going around the table saying all the things you’re grateful for, you can say a few of the items on the list and then hand him the note (so no one gets mad at you for holding up the meal).
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.
I can’t tell you how excited I am to introduce you to our guest writer for today.
By far, my favorite person in the world! He gives me a healthy dose of Vitamin F2 daily.
There is no person on earth I love more. There is no person I respect more.
If you’ve ever met my husband, you know he is a man of few words.
The last place you’ll ever find him is on social media and this blog has embarrassed him on more occasions than I care to admit (sorry, babe).
He is full of wisdom but never gives unsolicited advice. And if I hadn’t been asking him for 3 years straight to guest post, it’s pretty unlikely he’d ever offer.
Friends, meet the man, behind the woman, behind the founding of the Happy Wives Club. I am honored. I am grateful. Man o’ man do I adore this man.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
BTW- After creating this image, Keith said, “Honey, did you just make me white?” This was the best Getty Images photo I could find of a group of men but my honey is far browner (and more handsome).
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So, yes, I exist… I’m the happy husband! Being married to the founder of Happy Wives Club, I wanted to write and tell you all of the “secrets” Fawn won’t share! Okay, not really… I do want to keep our wedded bliss, well, blissful.
That said, I’m breaking my silence with my first ever blog post (or any kind of post for that matter) and sharing my perspective on marriage.
First off, you should know I’m pretty private, so you can well imagine what it’s like when people mention some of the racier posts that have been on the site or what goes through my head when people ask, “When are you starting the Happy Husbands Club?”
And, with respect to social media, I know there’s something called Facebook and apparently people are Twittering or some such thing… Not me, but I do know how to toot!
That said, I suppose being a happy husband is greatly helped when you’ve married an amazing woman as I have. I love my beautiful and talented wife and I will share that all of you have so encouraged and inspired her (as well as me and others), which is why this site is well-visited and why the book materialized.
Speaking of which, if you haven’t already done so, I humbly request that you pre-order the book by following this link HappyWivesClubBook.com. (Pre-orders matter more than anyone ever tells you but trust me, after spending the past several months learning about it, they matter a lot… So thank you.)
In truth, the “secrets” to great relationships and marriages are extraordinarily simple and we all know them.
The key is in the application and, while I’m certainly imperfect and can cite my failures, I strive to adhere to age-old wisdom that on its face won’t knock your socks off.
We’ve all heard “what you reap is what you sow” or “do unto others…” You get the idea. Not exactly rocket science, right? In fact, it’s amazingly simple.
Perhaps the challenge is many presume that because something is simple it’s too easy to be effective. And, thus, we complicate things a great deal.
For some, as you read this you may even be thinking, It’s not that simple Keith!” Or he or she does this or that or he or she didn’t do this or that. I’ll concede that saying “I love you” isn’t a panacea for everything or words and small deeds alone can’t solve every challenge. But I hope you will also concede these ostensibly insignificant things build up and, at a minimum, do help when sustained consistently over time.
So I will leave you with just one challenge assignment (hint, I’m setting a really low bar here so we can all excel!). And, the rewards will be to your benefit.
The assignment is to do one simple thing for your spouse every day this week.
Seven little things…
It should be something you don’t do typically, something that doesn’t require spending significant money (or any money), and take pleasure in doing it (not because you necessarily like to do whatever “it” is, but because it’s a small gesture to “love on” your spouse). I’m going to do it as well. Shhhh, don’t tell Fawn but I’m going to drop off the dry cleaning today!
I encourage you to share this post with your friends and husband. Let’s take this challenge together. I’m so confident this will yield benefits to your relationship and am excited to read your reports throughout the week.
Thank you all for supporting marriage and being committed to changing how people look at it around the world. You are all amazing and we -every happy husband alike- are appreciative. I’m honored for my first, and perhaps only, online post to be here to you.
Sincerely,
Keith aka Husband-In-Chief
P.S. I mentioned this earlier but if you haven’t already pre-ordered the Happy Wives Club book, you should definitely do it. I don’t say this because she is my wife (although with a bit of bias because she’s amazing), but because it’s a really great read.
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I never give reviews of articles from other sites on Happy Wives Club. Never, ever. But over the past week, this blog post has been sent to me by more people than I can even recall.
Through email, Facebook, Twitter and direct message, this article has beckoned me.
I read the title and immediately determined it was not something I wanted to read. It seemed negative. I’d need to come back to that.
The article began, “Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.”
Why would I want to read that? I thought. I couldn’t figure out why anyone who knew what I stood for would forward an article like that. I closed the browser window, didn’t bother reading it, and returned to work.
Then another friend sent me the exact same link. Followed by another friend. And another.
My sister posted it on her Facebook page and tagged me in it. This morning, a week after the article was first written, someone posted it on the Happy Wives Club community page with a note, “I had to share this with you.”
Finally, I read it.
Thank you Seth Adam Smith (and to everyone who sent me the article when I was trying my best to ignore it), for this great reminder that marriage is not for you, and it’s certainly not for me.
What I loved most about this post is in a day and age when selfishness is oft times masked as independence and adoring your spouse is deemed weak, this article makes an argument for the opposition.
“My father’s advice ['I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you'] was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s ‘Walmart philosophy,’ which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one,” Smith writes. ”…Selfishness demands, ‘What’s in it for me?,’ while Love asks, ‘What can I give?’”
As I continued reading Smith’s brilliant post, I knew I’d want you (and your husband) to read it too. I decided to post this brief review here because I don’t want you to miss it.
Remaining optimistic about marriage in today’s society requires a daily intent to do so. You have to be vigilant about shielding yourself from the negativity out there surrounding marriage.
I get it. That’s exactly why a post with a title like, Marriage Isn’t For You, was originally dumped in my trash folder. But I’m so happy many came back to me and said, “Get it out of your email dumpster and read it!” And now, I’m recommending the exact same thing to you.
The post will only take a few short minutes to read (you can find the original blog post here), but my hope is its words will continue to reverberate throughout your week.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.
From the moment I received an email from Toni Powell expressing how much she’s loved being married for the past 35 years, and how she chooses gratitude daily, I knew we’d quickly become friends.
We scheduled a call on Skype (in which I was a bit embarrassed to turn on the video because I looked an absolute mess) because she lives in Australia and I’m here in the US.
Within seconds, we were chatting like we’d known each other for a lifetime.
Sisters in arms, dedicated to sharing the sunny side of marriage, daily creating our ‘happily ever after’ and enjoying every minute of it.
I loved getting to know her on that call and I know you’ll love getting to know here through this post. She’s an absolute gem of a woman (and her hubby adores her to pieces).
Until Monday…make it a great weekend!
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Just like a book, a marriage is full of words. What words are included will determine if it is a book of love.
It’s not only the words the couple uses that make a difference, friends, family and a good few others will throw theirs into the ring, as well.
When I entered marriage I had what amounted to a well thumbed ‘complaint thesaurus’ tucked firmly under my arm.
I also brought along: teenage hormones, self-obsession, insecurity, impatience, a good helping of rage, some very broken dreams and a baby in my tummy. (Not to mention parents -mine, as well as his- who clearly didn’t think I was good enough for him and let me know as often as their heart saw fit).
My husband provided quite a few words of his own: ‘beautiful’, ‘clever’, ‘funny’, ‘amazing’, ‘caring’, ‘honest’ and so many more.
It was his words that gave me back my self-respect, belief in myself, the support I needed to make crazy leaps of faith, and it was his words that provided the calming balm that restored me when I landed on the ground – which I still do with startling regularity.
With his words he built a true home, a safe place that has grown into a marriage so happy that 35 years later we can still hardly bear to be apart. Through the years he certainly has been writing a book of love. You can hear a TEDx talk I gave about the power of words in our marriage here – be warned there is some colorful language – I am probably never going to be a ‘good girl’!
Here are 10 things I’ve learned about the power of words:
1. Life and death are in the power of words. I can help bring out the best in people or I can help to destroy them, just with my words. A power I don’t want to misuse, though sometimes do.
2. Words change our behavior. In the UK documentary series ‘The Young Ones’ researchers exposed one group of university students to words about aging (i.e., old, infirm, hobble, wizened, geriatric), and another group to words around youth (i.e., skip, joy, jump, fun, young, energy) for just 10 minutes. Those exposed to the aged related words ambled from the room more slowly than when they had arrived, some were stooped and sad. Meanwhile those exposed to the youth related words walked faster or ran from the room, one even skipped and most were smiling.
3. Words affect our intelligence. Science is uncovering some very interesting understandings about words, for instance: exposure to a word can affect our actions, our feelings, our thinking and even our intelligence! Research has shown that concentrating on the word ‘professor’ will make you smarter, while mulling over the words ‘soccer hooligan’ will decrease your intelligence.
4. The words I say to my husband will influence who he becomes. If exposure to one little word influences people then I have to keep in mind constantly just what influence my words have on who my husband becomes. Some days I have to choose my words carefully!
5. The words I say to others about my husband will influence who he becomes – especially if I say those words in front of him. What he hears me say about him builds his picture of himself. I was fortunate enough to learn this little gem very early in my marriage and I believe it stopped me from destroying a lovely, lovely man.
6. Complaint mushes your brain. According to Trevor Blake, author of 3 Simple Steps - even listening to words of complaint for as little as 30 minutes strips away neurons in the hippocampus area of our brains and turns your brain to ‘mush’. Complaint is a fall back position for me and one I best avoid if I want my husband and friends to have any brain cells left – the fact I have a few remaining ones is nothing short of a miracle.
7. Every single day I am influencing myself with the words I tell myself about myself. All those nasty little things I say to myself gain a foothold and bear sour fruit. Learning to speak nicely to myself grows much tastier fruit and everyone benefits.
8. Every single day I influence others with my words. This is often hard for me to remember. I am quick to point out faults and much slower to find the good in others. I send myself daily reminders to speak kindly!
9. Words come with emotions attached. I, like anyone else, have a stack of oft used words that regularly appear in my speech and reveal my issues. I have struggled with fear and anxiety so my speech tends to be littered with words like “afraid”, “fear”, “Oh no!”, “Oh dear!”, and “That’s terrible”. Most situations don’t call for such emotionally laden words.
10. I can see a situation very differently just by changing the words I use. It isn’t what happens to us that matters, it is how we think and speak about what happens that gives it power over us or us over it.
Words are powerful little things, aren’t they? Our thoughts, actions, emotions, and even our brains can be affected by them. In marriage it is important that we remember the ‘power’ of words, and chose them wisely. We want to write a book of love, remember?
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Oh, how I love my weekly day of rest. I need it like a swan needs water. It’s not required to live, I can excel without it, but why would I want to?
Years of experience have taught me I’m so much better with it (and as my hubby would say, “A hot mess” without it).
For the past seventeen years, I’ve made a day of rest a part of my regular routine.
As a hotel GM, it proved most difficult because there was an expectation that I would be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I drew a line in the sand and made it clear my day of rest was nonnegotiable.
After some time, I realized it would be nearly impossible to hold fast to this boundary I’d set for myself, so I left the hotel business. It was that important.
I realized without it, I’m just not as kind of a person. I’m less patient. My tolerance for folks who don’t use common sense is…well…nil.
We, as women, give and give and give. It’s just how we’re wired. If we do not take the time to refuel, to renew, to refill our coffers, we will run on empty.
And a woman running on fumes is not a sight to behold, for sure.
Early in my marriage, my husband realized the many benefits of a day of rest for me, as well as for him. He joined me in making this a part of our family tradition and we’ve never looked back.
No matter how hectic times get for us (and believe you me, they get so hectic at times it’s borderline unbearable), our day of rest is not negotiable.
If you and your husband don’t already take a day each week to slow down, turn off your phones, flip down the laptop and just enjoy each other, allow me to be the one to encourage you. This is one of the absolute best things you can do for your marriage. And here’s why.
1. Your available “balance” will increase. Like a bank account, if you are constantly withdrawing and giving to others, you will be left without anything to give to yourself. This day of rest gives you time to replenish your account so it is, once again, available for withdrawals without running the risk overdraft fees.
2. Unplugging is good. We are on information overload every day. We can barely calm our hearts and minds for an entire 10 seconds (go ahead, try it). We are not machines, we were not meant to process information nonstop all day. Taking a day to ourselves, where we keep the world at bay, is one of the smartest things we’ll do every week.
3. Your level of patience and tolerance will increase to your highest levels in years, and you will have the energy to create the life -and marriage- you most desire. Have you ever responded to someone in a way that caused you to later cringe? What are the chances you would never have responded that way if you were well rested and full of life?
4. Your energy will be renewed. Rest for a day and you will undoubtedly feel the difference. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.
5. You will lose weight. Okay, I admit, I threw this one in here because I know that’s on the agenda of most women. But it’s true. Even if you don’t have time to work out all week long or are so stressed you can’t even think about eating right, you will have at least one day each week to do it right. One day out of seven isn’t bad.
6. Your marriage will be strengthened. Setting aside a day each week for ‘me’ time, ‘us’ time and ‘anything that floats your boat’ time will allow you to reconnect. And which of us couldn’t use a little more one-on-one connecting time with the hubs?
7. You will love better and with a fuller heart. When you’re exhausted, it’s difficult to love with your whole heart. You just want to rest. This solves that problem and allows you to be the beautiful, loving, graceful person you were created to be.
8. You will be happier. Happiness is a natural byproduct of gratitude. When you slow your world down for an entire day to live intentionally, gratitude will find its way in and that complaining gene will find its way out.
No matter how hectic our week gets, the one thing my husband and I know is we can make it -together- to our next day of rest. And when we feel overwhelmed, we look at each other and say, “We can make it. Just ___ more days to our day of rest.”
Until tomorrow…make it a great week!
JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.
THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.
We reached out to our partners and told them we wanted to do something over the top special for you. And look what happened! We’re excited to announce one of the BIGGEST GIVEAWAYS ever!
We want a spectacular way to say THANK YOU to our fabulous Happy Wives Club community and we can’t think of a better way than this!
…we’re talking, worth more than $5,000 in prizes kind of big!! Are you excited out of your mind yet?
GREAT! - we want you to lose your mind, jump up and down on the couch, and pick up the phone to call your best friend because WE are hoping to make one VERY LUCKY couple’s dream come true!! We’ve joined forces with some amazing bloggers in Blog Land to give you an opportunity to win a spectacular WEEKEND away.
INTRODUCING…
Pacific Ocean breezes, services befitting royalty, and beautiful sunsets along the Santa Barbara coast…
IT’S BACARA BABY!!!
I bet you’re asking, “Is that the hideaway resort flanked by celebrities? The one I just saw pictures of Bill and Giuliana Rancic at last week?!” Yes, my friend, that’s the one!
DETAILS:
One lucky couple will be flown from anywhere in the Continental U.S. to Los Angeles where they’ll be chauffeured along the beautiful coastline of California to enjoy 4 DAYS AND 3 NIGHTS at the ultra-posh, celebrity favorite, Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara. Beware of the paparazzi because with so many celebrities flocking to this Forbes 4-star resort, you’re bound to get caught in the shutters of the elite. Located along the Gaviota Coast, with spectacular views of the Pacific ocean, your stay at this exclusive resort will undoubtedly give you something to talk about for years to come.
But that’s not all!
From the moment you arrive at Bacara, you will be given 5-star treatment. The 4-diamond spa will open its doors to you every day, throughout your stay, compliments of us! Aren’t you just dying over this prize??
And we’re still not finished!!
When was the last time you shut the world out and just allowed yourself to be pampered? You and your guest will receive a FULL-BODY MASSAGE to melt your cares away. Can’t you taste the chamomile tea and smell the lavender scent already?! I bet you’re thinking that has to be the entire prize package. We have ONE more trick up our sleeves…
Last, but certainly not least!
You won’t have to fret even for a moment about making any of these plans yourselves. Along with this fabulous trip, complimentary access to this world-renowned spa, and spa treatments, you will be assigned a PERSONAL TRAVEL CONCIERGE who will make all your travel arrangements, coordinate your spa appointments and make sure every moment of your stay is perfect. Throughout your time in Santa Barbara, your personal travel concierge will only be one call away.
FINE PRINT: Travel for this spa getaway for two must occur between February 2014 and January 2015. Airline and hotel blackout dates may apply.
HOW TO ENTER:
Time to get your “click” on & follow all of the blogs who made this giveaway possible. One word, you guessed it, PINTEREST!!! It’s becoming a common household name & ALL of these talented bloggers have their own Pinterest boards that you should definitely be following!!
JUST THINK OF THE AMAZING THINGS ALL OF THESE BLOGGERS PIN EVERY DAY!!! Sheesh, inspiration overload… at it’s best!!
There are just TWO {2} steps to enter the giveaway…
#1) Click on each image below to view the Pinterest Boards of that site, then click the red “Follow All” button to follow each fabulous website on Pinterest!
#2) And THEN, fill out the form below. Voila, you’re done!!
*This promotion is sponsored and administered by the Happy Wives Club and is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with Pinterest. We hereby release Pinterest of any liability. NBC Universal, iVillage, Coupons.com Incorporated and all its subsidiaries are not administrators of this promotion and thereby are fully indemnified against any action arising from this promotion. This Giveaway will run for one week starting Tuesday, November 5th at 5:00 AM PST and ending Tuesday, November 12th at midnight PST. Once the giveaway ends, winners will be chosen using Random.org and contacted within 24 hours by email. This post will be updated with the winner’s name once we’ve heard back from them. Winners will need to respond within 48 hours to claim their prize or another winner will be chosen. This “Pamper Yourself” contest is open worldwide, except in Puerto Rico and everywhere else where prohibited by law. Winners must be of full legal age in the jurisdiction in which they live. Airfare is provided solely from within the US (international winners must arrange own travel to a state within the Continental US).
“Huh? What did you say? Can you speak up?”
That was my husband’s response to my attempt at being a little more “ladylike.”
This was years ago, so I’m not sure what book I was reading (I’m a perpetual learner, for sure), or why I had any desire to change the wiring of how I was created.
I’ve always been a bit feisty. A bit mouthy. My filter has a gaping whole in it.
(But…not rude. I feel the need to make that distinction, as there is certainly a difference. And many who say, “I just tell it like it is,” are just plain ole mean.)
So there it was, my attempt to be a bit more demure. To talk less, keep my tone lower, and overall become more like what I perceived feminine to be.
And then Keith -who I swear was placed on this earth just to help me become a better version of myself- reminded me of something.
First, it was utterly ridiculous that he was sitting just a few feet away and still couldn’t hear me. Secondly, I’m just not wired that way. And it’s okay. The woman he fell in love with is the woman he’d like me to remain.
Earlier this year, when I finished traveling the world in search of the universal secrets to a happy marriage, for my book, Happy Wives Club, I sent the first draft to a small focus group.
One of the women in the group, a single gal named Esther, called me when she was midway through the book.
“This book just gave me hope. I always thought I’d have to lose a part of myself when I got married. I wasn’t open to meeting anyone or having a serious relationship because of that. But this made me realize that marriage enhances a person, not diminish them.”
When I hung up the phone, my heart was filled with joy because I realized something amazing had happened. This young lady, who thought some of her strength would be lost once she said I do, realized that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Throughout my interviews with happily married couples around the world, one of the things that came up time and time again was the importance of independence in an interdependent marriage.
Hobbies, volunteering, work, spending time with girlfriends – these were all things that both husband, and wife, professed was important to creating a healthy relationship.
One of the beauties of doing things on your own -having things that you love to do- is when you and your husband see each other later that day, you have something new to share. Neither of you feel smothered or trapped.
You are freed to celebrate each other, your individual passions and successes, and your personal thumbprint. Just as there is only one of those, there is only one of you. And YOU are who your hubby fell head over heels in love with.
One way we both maintain our independence while nurturing the intimacy in our marriage is unconditional acceptance. I never want my husband to be anyone other than he is and vice versa.
I once heard someone say, “Don’t try to make someone else like you, because if there are two of you, one is unnecessary.” Celebrate you. All your gifts and talents, idiosyncrasies – flaws and all.
There are many ingredients in the recipe of a successful marriage. Maintaining who you are, your identity, and a bit of independence is most certainly the salt and pepper. (and what is a recipe without seasoning?)
Until Monday…make it a great weekend!
JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.
Love, love, love Tracey Goss! She’s incredibly funny. A brilliant writer. A husband-adoring wife. And a proud momma.
She’s also the sister of our health & fitness editor, Olympian and fitness expert, Annett Davis. And you know we love us some Annett Davis around here!
Pull up a seat. Grab your cup of coffee. And enjoy the beauty and wisdom of this post.
Oh! And the “Turn off, Turn in, Tune in, Turn on,” is common sense at its best.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
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Have you found the sweet spot in your marriage?
Maybe I should have titled this post The Ultimate Guide To Finding The Sweet Spot In Your Marriage because what I am sharing with you today is exactly what propelled my marriage from mediocre -declining as fast as my debit card right before payday- to one of the greatest joys of my life!
1. Rose-Colored Glasses. Sure I know the idiom “she’s looking at him through rose-colored glasses” is used as a condescending dig. I remember the moment I reached for the pair of rose-colored glasses which had been tucked away a few years after I said “I do.”
Looking through those magical lenses helps me to see all of the positives that drew me to my husband in the first place as well as some additional bonuses that have developed over the years. That grey hair he has acquired around his temples drives me wild!
2. My Momma Taught Me to Take My Seat! The artist formerly known as Prince had it right when he penned these words, “I don’t care where we go and I don’t care what we do. Just take me with you!” As you might have gathered by the title of tip number two, my mother was responsible for Prince’s platinum single. Well, not really, but her marital advice has proven to be worth more than platinum. She advised me to say “yes” whenever my husband invites me to join him – wherever he goes. Time together no matter where it is spent is precious.
3. If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Say Something Funny! That’s our new mantra! One of the best ways to avoid being entrenched in a heated conversation is not to worry about making a point nor having your way. Forget your pride and don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself.
Recently, my handsome hubby spontaneously asked me to prepare and take our kids to school on a day which was originally deemed “dad’s day” to drive. (You know the drill, pack the lunches, make sure the uniforms are ready to go, and oh yeah – get yourself dressed and ready for work as well.)
At this point, I had three options:
I decided to join him in the kitchen (where he was loading the dishwasher, to lighten the load he had just dumped on me) and tell him how hot he looked sharing the housework with me in his boxer briefs. We both had a great laugh and enjoyed each others company for the rest of the morning. We began our day with a wink and a smile instead of a snark and the stink eye.
4. Turn Off, Turn in, Tune in, Turn On. This is probably one of the most universally ignored bits of common sense with which woman-kind has been blessed. Turn off the computer, washer, television, telephone, reading lamp, Kindle or whatever is usurping your last bit of energy. Turn in to bed with your hubby, so you can tune in to one another. Leave some gas in your tank for him so that you can turn on your “love engine” and I guarantee you, you’ll enjoy the drive!
Your Turn: We all have our own directions to finding that sweet spot in marriage. I’d love to hear how you stay the course and manage the bumps in the road on the way to marital bliss! Let us know below in the comments.
Your fellow Happy Wife, Tracey Goss, the “Ringmaster” @3BrosFlyingCircus.com
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JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.
On January 22, 2014, we sponsored an unofficial new holiday: National Husband’s Day. A special day set aside for the nearly 1 million women in the Happy Wives Club community to celebrate our husbands.
Initially, my hope was we’d be able to get a government official to proclaim the day on our behalf. Our team began working on that and quickly realized the many complications of getting a date named as a holiday officially. But who needs official?
National Peanut Butter Day is one of my absolute favorite holidays. No government official has yet to recognize that officially but that doesn’t stop me from indulging in a few more spoonfuls of that tasty stuff just at the mention of its national holiday.
So let’s celebrate our special day together!
To make it easy, we’ve come up with 5 special (and free) gifts you can give your husband today to commemorate the occasion.
1. Print this certificate. If you didn’t get a chance to print this off last year, you may still want to print it now to let your husband know you’re a proud member of this club and because of his love, you’ve sponsored this day honoring him. This is the original sponsorship certificate so it includes the original 2014 date. Here is one dated for 2015.
2. Customize this proclamation. If you printed the above certificate last year as one of the original sponsors of National Husband’s Day (or even if you didn’t), we’ve created a customizable proclamation for you to give your husband this year. Customize it. Print it out (legal size paper). Frame it. Then deliver to him a gift sure to make him proud. (If your computer doesn’t allow you to customize the PDF, print this one to handwrite his name and your name instead).
3. Print a customized Book of Love. This fantastic DIY coupon book from The Dating Divas is something sure to knock your husband’s socks off. Surprise him with this creative book that gives him all the things he wants most…one coupon at a time.
4. Write the perfect love letter. Have you ever written your husband a love letter? Not just a few words at the bottom of a card but actually write the card yourself? If not, today’s a pretty fantastic day to sharpen your writing skills. To make it easy, here are 7 ways to write the perfect love letter.
5. Spoil your spouse date night. There’s no better night than tonight to spoil your spouse. This date night is all about doing what your husband loves to do. No marital compromise here –this is his night!
Any excuse to celebrate those fabulous hubbies of ours is a good enough excuse for me.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
We’re SO close to our goal! JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.
THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.
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