Author Archives: Sheila Wray Gregoire

About Sheila Wray Gregoire

I'm a speaker, an author of seven books, a syndicated columnist, but most of all a wife and a mom. My latest books, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex, help women experience an abundant life in the bedroom--because you were meant to have your toes curl every now and then. I have a passion for helping marriages, and together with my husband Keith I speak at marriage conferences around North America. When I'm not blogging, I'm knitting. And homeschooling my two teenage girls. Preferably simultaneously.

Pucker Up! {How 15 Seconds a Day Can Change Your Marriage}

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I am having so much fun counting down to the 5th anniversary of this Club and the debut of our new website by posting our 20 most popular posts of all time.

Coming in at #17 is a post from our resident sex expert, the fabulous Sheila Wray-Gregoire. Pucker Up.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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A kiss a day keeps the doctor away!

Kissing lowers your cholesterol, boosts your immunity, and fights depression. It even delays wrinkles!

So why is it that so many married couples stop kissing?

I think it’s because in many cases women think, “I don’t want to put a down payment on something I may not want to buy later.”

We’re afraid to kiss with abandon because he may think it’s going somewhere, and we’re not really sure we want it to. What if bedtime comes around and I’m tired? Or what if I just don’t feel like sex? It’s safer not to get his engines revving in the first place.

Kissing then becomes something that you avoid unless you’re about to have sex. But that’s too bad, because kissing actually makes us women feel closer to our men! It’s fun. It’s intimate. And it grosses out the kids (in a good way!).

When you were dating you probably kissed constantly. It was intoxicating, and exhilirating, and it can be like that again. When you kiss with passion, you get your own libido going. Besides, it’s hard to be irritated or angry at someone if you’re kissing them often. It helps good feelings bubble to the surface, and covers over a multitude of aggravations.

On the other hand, if you avoid kissing, then you deprive yourself of one of your primary ways to get your libido up–and almost guarantee you WON’T want to make love later. And you deprive yourself of one of the primary ways we women have of feeling closer to our men.

If you’re afraid your husband will never understand the allure of simple kissing, tell him,

“Honey, I love kissing you! I feel as if we used to kiss all the time, and now we’re in a rut. I want that to stop. I know that if we kissed more, I’d feel more frisky, too. But do me a favor? When we kiss, let it stay a kiss. Don’t make it move on to other things. That way we let the kiss build up, and whet our appetites. And it’s the expectation that can be fun!”

Let’s bring the art of kissing back to our marriages–and help us to feel all weak-kneed again, just like we used to.

And it’s easy: just one 15-second kiss a day can change your marriage. Set the kitchen timer and try it–see how long 15 seconds is (and how much fun it is!) And then just do it! Pucker up.

Want to bring more romance and excitement back to your marriage? Try Sheila’s 31 Days to Great Sex challenge. It’s 31 days of talking, flirting, and exploring–and building real intimacy again.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

6 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband–Right Now!

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Our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, is back to help us all get a little flirty! You’ve got three days before the week officially comes to an end. Make it count.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop flirting–with your husband, of course.

So, ladies, get your flirt on!

1. Leave a love note on the mirror

Using a dry erase marker (or even lipstick!), leave a love note on your honey’s bathroom mirror. Say, “I love you”, or “Thank you for last night”, or “Can’t wait until you get home…”

2. Kiss in the car at stoplights

That never gets old. And don’t forget at least one 15 second kiss a day!

3. Have a secret code phrase

Want to tell him you think he’s hot? Try a secret code phrase, like “Are we due for an oil change?” No one else will know what you really mean but him, so you can say it in front of the kids, in front of your parents, in front of anybody!

4. Flash him–but not in public!

Is he watching TV? Reading his email? Walk by him and flash him–and then leave the room. See if he follows!

This one takes a little more daring, but it’s fun. Need to do some cleaning? Try it bralessly. Scrub and bounce for him! Or bend over to dust right in front of him.

5. Play Footsie

When you’re at a restaurant with tablecloths, slip your shoe off and let your toes explore his legs. Get him all worked up while you carry on a normal conversation.

6. Text, text, text your husband

Finally, here’s one you can do right now–even if he’s not home! Text him about anything–song lyrics, memories of fun times you’ve had, what you’re wearing, what you’re thinking about. You don’t have to make it too graphic in case you’re worried about someone else seeing, but you can use your secret code phrase. Or just say something like, “Thanks for making me sleep like a baby! I may need some help drifting off tonight, too.”

Men love to feel that we’re thinking of them and that we want them. It’s often easier for wives to say, “I love you” than it is for them to say, “I want you.” But guys want to hear both!

So try some of these, and you won’t just be a happy wife. You’ll be the happy wife of a happy hubby!

Want more ideas of how to flirt? Read Sheila’s complete list, 16 Ways to Flirt with your Husband. And don’t forget the best Father’s Day gift you can give your husband–31 Days to Great Sex. It’s only $5!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book line none other.

What to Do When Your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive

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My heart poured out for him. I could feel his pain. Every bit of him wanted to show how much he loved his wife, in every way, at every moment.

But stress and anxiety were causing him to “fail” her in one way and unlike everything else, he couldn’t figure out how to “fix” it.

That happened a couple weeks ago. I was speaking with a happily married man- who I know loves and adores his wife- and yet stress from work and other challenges were impairing him in an area he never would have expected.

Yep. That area. Down there.

So many men, when they are young, are taught to put so much stock in “down there.” Alot of ego is wrapped up in their ability to please. So what do they do when that’s taken away?

A doctor can help. But even that can feel so invasive (and ego crushing) to some. So after getting this question from members of this club who didn’t know exactly how to handle this, I asked our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, to help shed some light on this taboo subject.

I recognize that most of you are a part of the 70-percent this is not written for so I want to acknowledge in advance that this post won’t be for everyone.

If you are one of the fortunate 70-percent, consider sharing this post with your married girlfriends because I guarantee someone around you needs this encouragement.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Does your husband often “have a headache”?

If you’re in one of the 30% of marriages where the WOMAN has the higher sex drive, it’s easy to feel like a freak. But after surveying thousands of men and women for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I can confidently say that there’s likely nothing wrong with you at all! It’s often just a normal part of marriage.

Marriage is a lifelong journey you take together, and that journey is going to have twists and turns. It’s not always going to stay the same.

We’re quite aware that women’s libidos change all the time, depending on the time of month, the age of our kids, and our hormones.

We often forget that men are the same way, though for different reasons. Men have hormonal fluctuations, too–though not to the extent that we do–but often men’s sex drives will ebb and flow with stress, problems at work, and even medical conditions.

In our marriage, my husband was always the one with the higher sex drive and I would struggle to get myself in the right frame of mind so that we could have a good time together–even if I was exhausted. But when pressure from work got to be too much, he started to head to bed without asking for anything, which left me perplexed and lonely.

A few years and a new job later, we’re back on track. But those times when our husbands’ sex drives wane can bring doubt and frustration. Based on research, as well as my personal experience, here are a few tips on what to do if your husband has a low sex drive.

Figure Out the Cause of His Lower Sex Drive

So let’s look at what could be causing his libido to head south. It could be something which is easily solved with exercise (if only exercise were easy!). Obesity and diabetes can kill libido, so going for a walk every night and taking up jogging can make you both more energetic in lots of ways!

It could also be a sign of low testosterone, which means he needs to swallow his pride and talk to the doctor. But trust me, as the wife of a physician, I can promise you: telling your doctor that you have a low sex drive will not even register in the top 10 embarrassing things that physician has heard all week.

Often, though, a guy’s lower libido is just from life. He’s stressed, he’s tired, and he’s turning inward to deal with it, rather than outward to you. So what do you do in these times when you feel distant, and worried, and even a little physically frustrated?

Keep Laughing Together

If you laugh together at least once a day, you can solve almost any problem! And laughing together helps you to feel like you’re on the same page. You build goodwill, so it’s easier to talk to your spouse about issues, too–even issues in the bedroom.

And when do you tend to laugh? When you’re doing things together! So take a walk after dinner. Start exercising. Play a card game. It doesn’t matter WHAT you do, as long as you spend time together.

Initiate!

When he’s the one with the higher sex drive, we women are often running for cover. We don’t initiate because he always does. Then, if he goes through a period of unemployment or stress at work and he’s lost the oomph to say, “come here, baby!”, your sex life can suddenly come to a screeching halt.

Maybe this just means it’s time for you to step up to the plate. Buy some sexy lingerie. Let your hands wander a bit when you’re snuggling. Tell him what you love about his body. Even if he wasn’t interested initially, he very well may reconsider!

Deal With Your Frustration

Sometimes, though, cute panties and flirting won’t cut it. He’s doubting himself. He’s tired. And he just doesn’t know if he wants to make the effort.

In that case, you could be left with a lot of pent up frustration. Don’t make that worse by feeding that frustration with chick flicks or romance novels. Channel your energy somewhere else. Psychologists call this “sublimation”, and it really is possible! Exercise a ton. Start a new hobby. Give yourself something else to think about and get excited about, so you don’t grow resentful and frustrated at your hubby.

Keep Loving Him Through It

Remember that marriage does last decades. If you go through a period of a few years of relative sexual drought, it very well may turn completely around a few years later. So do what you can now to support him and encourage him as he’s struggling, so that he knows that no matter what happens, you’re still on his team.

QUESTION: How would you encourage a couple going through this right now?

Sheila is the author of seven books, including 31 Days to Great Sex, a 31-day challenge for couples to work through that can help reignite that spark by prompting conversations, fun, and adventure! Check it out.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

21 Days to a Better Sex Life {Getting into the Habit of Saying “Yes!”}

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I hope you never get tired of me gushing over HWC contributor, Sheila Wray Gregoire, but I can’t help it. I absolutely adore her!

Maybe it’s because she spends her days and nights talking about something many still consider taboo. Or maybe it’s because she’s tackling an issue that can be a challenge even in the best of marriages.

Either way, I adore her and am appreciative she’s -again- helping us create better sex lives. (Disclosure: I’ve done this and it works!!)

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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When kids come into the kitchen and say, “Mom, can I have…” we default to “No.”

We assume the words “ice cream” or “chocolate” or “Cheetos” will finish that sentence, and so the No is oftentimes out of our mouths before they even stop talking. It’s habit.

The same thing can happen with sex.

When you get in the habit of not making love for weeks, that becomes your default.

But while it’s good to refuse your kids Cheetos, refusing sex makes marriage kinda blah. And distant. And boring.

Why not work at developing a habit of saying “yes”? After all, sex isn’t just for him – there are plenty sex benefits for you, too! It feels great (and if it doesn’t, I’ve got lots here that can help). It helps you sleep. And it bonds you together.

Now researchers say it takes 21 days to develop a new habit. It has to naturally flow into your schedule. And many of us have evening schedules where sex doesn’t naturally flow.

Maybe after dinner you both scatter on your different computers, and then you go to bed at different times. Maybe he plays video games and you check Facebook, until one of you turns in. But if you’re going to make sex a “good” habit, it has to fit in naturally. So here are some thoughts to make that a reality:

1. Connect Early in the Evening

Sometime after dinner, connect by sharing your hearts and concerns. Go for a walk or a hike. Do dishes together. Do some activity during which you can unload some of the burden of today, so that it’s not impeding your ability to enjoy making love later.

2. Take “Me” Time During the Day

We all need time just for “me”–time when we don’t have to work, when we can relax without the kids, when we can do our hobbies. Try to find that during the day, maybe over the lunch hour at work, or during naptime with the kids. You can even tell the kids that they need a quiet time from 4-5, for instance–when they play in their rooms so that you can relax, too. That way you won’t need to take that “me” time at night.

3. Decide What Time You’ll Switch off Technology

Instead of spending your time on screens all night, decide together that you’ll switch off at 9:30 or 10, for instance. Having this “cut off” rule, no matter what, will spur conversation (or better yet, cuddling) between the two of you.

4. Head to Bed Together

Go to bed together, at least eight hours before you have to be up the next morning. That way you have time to cuddle, to talk in bed, and to reach for each other.

Instead of always asking yourself, “do I want to tonight?”–because the answer will likely be no–ask yourself, “Do I have a really good reason to say no?” Make the expectation that you will say yes, not no. Then set up your schedule so that you’ll be together at night.

And presto! 21 Days to a Better Sex Life isn’t about following rules, it’s about creating a new habit. And a fun one at that!

And if you need help on making sex a habit, why not work on my 31 Days to Great Sex with your hubby? Work on it for 31 days, and after that 31 Days you’ll be more used to spending time together at night!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

SAVE THE DATE: Bloggers, join us here every third Monday of the month for our fabulous link-up party! Join us September 16th for our next Marriage Mondays!

5 Ways to Boost Your Libido…Now

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Our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, continues where she left off two weeks ago when she told us about the 4 Benefits of Love Making Love – For Her! This week, she’s back and I have to admit, reading this made me blush a bit. But then I got over it and can’t wait to turn in early tonight…

It’s 11 pm. You want to start snoring. He wants to start snuggling.

You know that sex is an important part of marriage, but you just never feel that into it. It’s not unusual; we women are very complex beings. And because, for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads (as in our heads have to be in the game or our bodies won’t follow), if we’re stressed, our bodies often sit dormant.

So what to do?

Aim for FIREWORKS

You may not have much of a libido that makes you want sex, but that doesn’t mean that sex can’t feel good. And if you decide, “tonight, I want to feel GREAT”, you’re more likely to. When your brain is engaged, your body tends to follow.

Remember that making sure it feels good for you DOESN’T mean that you have to be craving sex before you start. In fact, most women don’t. According to research, for men, desire PRECEDES making love. For women, desire comes after you start making love.

But, if, when you start kissing him, you’re thinking in your head, “tonight I’m going to feel GOOD”, then you can start that process.

The problem is that making sex great for you requires that you’re more ACTIVE–that you’re telling him what you want, and that you’re actually trying to get it. That’s hard if you’re not really “in the mood”. But think of it like exercise: you don’t really want to do it, but you’re looking forward to the reward afterwards, so you put your all into it.

IMAGINE the Benefits.

Think about the benefits of making love. You’ll sleep better. It does feel good. You’ll feel closer. Keep imagining that throughout the day–how well you’ll sleep, how good you’ll feel. Don’t imagine it just to feel sexy–you may honestly not be able to do that. But do picture the rewards.

Turn In REALLY EARLY.

The combination of low libido and exhaustion is a recipe for disaster. So head to bed when the kids do, if you have to, and make love FIRST. Then curl up and watch a movie together, or get on your iPads and check Twitter, or whatever else you may normally do.

Make sex RELAXING.

Make sex into a sensual experience, not just a sexual experience. Tell him you need a massage first to help you relax. Then, as he’s touching you, pay attention to your body. Ask yourself, “what would my body like now”?

I can’t emphasize enough how important a step this is. When we start to see sex as totally a sexual thing, and we’re not sexually aroused, it can be a chore. But when the whole evening is about spending time together, and relaxing, and feeling close, we can start to desire it even if we’re not particularly in the mood. That massage, or transition time, helps prep your body, but it also preps your mind.

LUBE up. (no really, it’s okay)

Really. Astroglide works best. (And some women swear by coconut oil!). If you’re well lubricated, arousal is much easier. In fact, you’ll get more aroused if you start out lubricated than if you don’t. So if this is a real struggle for you, get some help.

When you set your mind to it–even if you don’t feel sexy–your body will often follow. And that positive attitude can often jump start a low libido!

Need more help seeing sex as a positive thing? Sheila’s ebook 31 Days to Great Sex takes you and your husband through a month of talking, flirting, exploring, and fun. Sheila blogs everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

The 4 Benefits of Making Love–For Her!

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Resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire has written today’s guest post. Definitely share your comments below and tell us what you think. Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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You crawl into bed. Your husband is lying beside you, facing away. Is he asleep? Is he waiting for me to make a move? How long has it been anyway? I guess I really should.

Hardly sexy, is it? In fact, obligation sex is distinctly unsexy. So maybe some women need a new way of looking at it.

Sex isn’t just for him; sex is something that benefits you, too! Here’s why:

1. You Feel More Intimate

Often the reason that we don’t want to make love is because we feel distant.

But do the close feelings come before sex, or does sex bring the close feelings? Most of us feel closer after we make love. And sex is designed to bring us together! We release hormones during sex that help us to “bond”. So if you’re feeling distant, maybe the solution is to make love, rather than to wait to feel closer first.

2. You Sleep Better

If you’ve been avoiding sex because you’re exhausted, maybe you’ve been making the problem worse. Sex often works better than sleeping pills to help you drift off, and it helps you to sleep deeper.

Some nights when I know it’s been a while, and I know we should really make love, I say no because I’m so tired. Those are usually the nights I toss and turn and can’t sleep. Now when I’m really exhausted, I say to my husband, “Put me to sleep, baby.” Works every time!

3. You Feel Like Your Marriage is Stronger

Sex helps you to feel like your relationship is secure. When you make love, you cement it together again. Sex makes you feel protected. It makes you feel loved. It makes you feel like you have a future together.

On the days after you make love, you smile slyly at each other because you have this secret. You can giggle with each other more. You touch each other more. I’ve heard it said, “sex isn’t the icing on the cake; it’s the oil that keeps the engine going.” When we don’t make love, our relationship can get clogged up. Isn’t it better to have it humming along?

4. Your Toes Curl

Let’s not forget the final part: sex feels wonderful! Now, maybe for you it doesn’t yet. That’s okay. As I found in the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it can take a decade or so of marriage for sex to work like clockwork. So if you’re not there yet, don’t despair. Just turn it into the most fun research project you can do with your husband.

If you’re feeling exhausted, and feeling distant from your husband, and feeling tense, then instead of saying, “do I have to?“, why not say instead, “Let’s do it!”

Sheila teaches how to have a marriage that rocks at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.