Author Archives: Lori Ferguson

About Lori Ferguson

Lori Ferguson is a writer with a passion to encourage. She’s a Christ follower, wife of 30 years, and mom to grown kids. You can find her online at EncourageYourSpouse.com where she blogs somewhat regularly about encouragement in marriage. Lori and her husband work with couples who lead - in business, ministry & non-profit. Check out LeadershipCouples.com for more information.

5 Tips to Travel Well as a Couple

We’ve learned these tips will work whether your mode of travel is back-packing, by car, train, plane or camel; they’re about meeting your spouse’s needs when nothing is familiar and everything feels like a challenge.

1. Food and Water

It might seem elementary, but enjoying every moment can depend on having food and water readily available. Does your spouse grow short-tempered when he is hungry? What about being able to think clearly? Keeping blood sugar at an optimum level helps couples deal with the unexpected. And when you’re traveling, you can guarantee the unexpected!

Avoid sugar. Keep balanced protein and carbohydrate options available, and lots of water and you’ll see how much easier it is to communicate. It’s amazing what a bit of healthy food and water will do for a relationship in transit!

2. Sleep

Being tired while traveling is torture. Build in time for a few naps while you are moving from one place to another. Your judgement and decision-making ability will be enhanced when you’ve had enough sleep. Use each other as a pillow – get close and snuggle for a fifteen-minute snooze. Bring along a blanket to spread out on grass, sand or a bench and grab some Z-zzzs. Being rested is a gift you can give each other.

3. Recharge: Time Alone or Time with Others

Maybe it’s an oxymoron to work in some quiet or alone-time when you’re traveling, but some spouses need time to recharge away from people – even you! Be sensitive to your spouse’s (and your) ways of dealing with new experiences. As exciting and exhilarating as travel can be, we all need to recharge.

If you or your spouse recharge when with people, then arrange time to do that too. It’s an introvert/extrovert thing. Know your spouse well enough to meet their need to recharge – you’ll enjoy your new experiences so much more that way.

4. Encourage Your Spouse to Stretch

Make it easy for your spouse to try new things. Understand their fears, affirm their strengths, and invite your spouse to expand out of their comfort zone. Be a support. Provide all the information needed so there’s no (or few) surprises. Traveling well as a couple enables you to learn and grow – together.

5. Be Open to Change

Make a commitment before you begin to travel, that you both have the latitude to change your mind about an opportunity or situation. You both have veto power. Keep in mind that the travel is secondary – your relationship is first.

Communication is Key (Bonus)

Traveling well as a couple is as much about how you embrace the issues, as it is about the moments of joy. Communicating more is where the difference lies. When everything is a new experience – bed, food, smells, sounds, people, etc. – your spouse needs more from you.

Robert and I are still learning – especially in this new season of constant travel. Have you used any of these 5 tips as you’ve traveled? Do you have any to add?

3 Memorable Gifts to Give Your Husband This Christmas

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I married a Christmas Eve baby so every year it’s a juggle to make sure my husband feels like the most important man in the world while honoring the Man for whom the holiday was originally created.

Every year, on the eve of my husband’s birthday, I get a little nervous. Is my gift nice enough? Will it feel special enough? Will it convey how much his love means to me.

And almost as quickly as this flood of questions come to mind, the answers come to sooth my nerves and reassure my heart.

It doesn’t matter the present because the greatest gifts I can give cannot be purchased.

What he desires most on this day is my love, adoration and respect. Not any different from any other day, but I become acutely aware of this every Christmas Eve.

So I pose this question to you: What can you give your husband this Christmas that cannot be purchased in a store or cooked on a stove but will mean the world to him?

Whatever that is, whatever comes to mind first, do exactly that. And if you drew a blank, not to worry, I trust you’ll find inspiration in today’s post by Lori Ferguson.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

____________

I imagine you’re feeling a bit busy right now. A bit stretched. Somewhat frazzled, perhaps? How’s your “to-do” list? Got all your gifts purchased?

What are you giving your husband?

Socks? Underwear? A log splitter?

Many times the actual physical gifts don’t matter.

They’re enjoyed. Or not.

The gifts are consumed. Or not.

Some gifts are returned.

A few are re-gifted.

Other gifts are put on the closet shelf and never see the light of day again.

What about gifts which require no money yet are memorable?

Around our home we’ve been clearing out the extra stuff. I can tell you that after 30 years together as husband and wife there’s a lot of stuff which isn’t being used! The items we possess haven’t made our life better or richer, it’s been the moments we’ve spent together that have shaped our life. Those moments pass by quickly… but they’re the real gifts. Moments into memories.

Are your moments with your husband creating positive memories?

Good memories have no monetary value, yet they’re the precious coin that you will leave as a legacy of love to all those who are a part of your life. They’re the gifts that last and can be built upon as you create a meaningful life.

Below are 3 suggestions for gifts which cost nothing (except some self-control).

This holiday season can be filled with so many expectations, an endless list of meeting needs, and very little time to catch our breath. The busyness may lead to overlooking these gifts…

However, in view of years to come, these gifts will make an impact because they have everything to do with creating a peace filled atmosphere.

3 gifts which cost nothing and are fully under your control:

Smile without restraint.

It’s been said it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile – so conserve your energy and smile. Smiling is an action. You can deliberately choose to smile. No hesitation, no qualification, no requirement, just try it with a smile and see the difference it makes when interacting with the guy you love.

Question without criticizing.

You’re not going to be able to agree on everything during this festive season. Two people will have a difference of opinion. Discussion is good, and asking good questions keeps the dialogue positive. Hone your questions. Keep the questions respectful because criticism hurts. Have you heard of the idea “seek first to understand”? That’s what it’s all about. Begin by asking, “Help me understand…”

Respond without expectation.

Give your husband the gift of kindness – regardless. C.S. Lewis said it this way, “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be attained.” Be kind to your husband. Kindness in action is one gift which sets the stage for positive interactions, and makes cherished memories.

Can you think of other gifts – priceless gifts – you could give your husband this Christmas?

P.S. Beginning tomorrow, Christmas Day, I’m launching an extraordinary series to encourage your marriage every remaining day of 2013 and to into the first days of 2014. Please join me here first thing tomorrow morning and every morning for the next two weeks. I promise you’ll be happy you did!

Exploring West Virginia

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My husband, Robert, and I were born and raised in Canada. We currently live in the United States, but return frequently to visit our parents. Driving may take a day or two, but the time spent together in the vehicle is priceless.

We refer to each other as a “captive audience” on these long drives. It’s awesome.

This drive up to Canada took us through West Virginia on Highway 19.

It was just the perfect autumn time to view the wild wonder found in this state.

Did you know…

The world’s 4th longest steel arch bridge is in West Virginia. The New River Gorge is 876 feet below, and a long wooden walkway descending into the gorge allows views that are breathtaking. Next time we drive through WV I’d like to take the quarter-mile guided “Bridgewalk Tour” on the catwalk just underneath the bridge – it’s handicapped accessible.

State Parks provide romantic side-trips. Instead of eating a sub sandwich at a rest stop, we pulled off the road at Camp Creek State Park. We were the only ones in the park at the time… it was a walk through a wonderland of colors. Silence and beauty – a romantic combination.

West Virginia artists share their talent housed in one building. For those who admire and value artisans and their work, the “best of West Virginia” can be seen and experienced at Tamarack. Resident Artisans, gourmet food, baskets, pottery, glass, books, jewelry, apparel, a conference center and even a theater – all available in one spot. A shoppers paradise!

And much more.

We only drove through West Virginia, so I’m sure there are many more sights to see, places to explore and experiences to add to our bucket list!

What’s your favorite part of West Virginia?

Leave a comment – share!

November 11 – Honoring Those Who Fight for Freedom

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Ever wonder why we observe a time of remembrance on November 11th? Where did the idea of wearing a red poppy come from?

In Flanders Fields

During the Great War – 1914-1918 – a young Canadian surgeon, Lieutenant Colonel John MacCrae, experienced a horrific battle in northern France, and the death of a friend during the 2nd Battle of Ypres.

The battle and his experience prompted him to write a poem – In Flanders Fields.

The poem is about poppies – blowing and growing on a battlefield. It’s about the gift of freedom from those who fight.

On a sunny day in October I had the opportunity to sit and ponder in the memorial garden in the birth-place of Dr. McCrae in Guelph, Ontario, Canada.

November 11, 1918, Armistice Day, is considered to be the end of World War 1, or at least when an armistice was signed between Germany and the Allied countries.

That’s why November 11th has been chosen as a day to remember those who have fought – and still fight for freedom.

All those husbands and wives – giving, living and fighting for freedom.

In the USA, November 11th is called Veterans Day and honors the service of all veterans. In Canada and the Commonwealth countries it’s called Remembrance Day. Other countries like New Zealand, France, and Belgium refer to November 11th as Armistice Day.

As a happy and thankful wife, how will you observe this November 11th?

A happy marriage involves a husband and wife who can talk about the present, the past and the future. Use this opportunity to build an understanding of those in your past and present who are veterans. Take the time to tell each other the stories from your history…

On November 11th invite your husband to reflect and give honor to those who have and are fighting.

If you’re anywhere close to Guelph, Ontario – stop at to John McCrae’s birthplace. There’s a house to tour, and a garden where remembrance activities will be celebrated. Across the street there’s a lovely river and park.
In the USA on November 11th you can enjoy any Federal Park - for free! Take a walk – see some sights.
Also in the USA, there are Veterans Day ceremonies in many cities. Here’s a map to see the one close to you.
In Canada – visit one of the War Memorials.
In the UK – see if there’s a war memorial close to you.

Spend some time with your husband giving thanks.

Are there celebrations for November 11th in your area?

Is there a veteran in your family – someone serving right now?

Leave a comment!

5 Little Things That Make a Huge Difference in Marriage

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Earlier this year, my husband and I did something we’d desired for more than ten years. We got married -with me in a wedding dress, him in a tux, and in front of family, friends- without an Elvis impersonator officiating the ceremony.

In 2003, we eloped. Best. Decision. Ever. But we’d always said in our 10th year, we’d renew our vows and have a more traditional style ceremony.

Several days after the event, the photographer called me and said something that blew my mind: “I just realized why you and Keith have remained so in tune all these years; so in love. It’s your hands.”

She mentioned how every time she took a candid shot of us, my hand was stroking the side of his cheek, his hand was caressing mine, our pinkies were intertwined even when our entire hands were not.

There was a gentleness in our embrace. Most wouldn’t even notice we were doing it, she said. But seeing that, changed her marriage – forever.

I thought back to that conversation when I read this post from our awesome HWC contributor, Lori Ferguson. If there is one thing almost every couple could use to boost their love and intimacy, it’s this.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

____________

A hand is more than 4 fingers, a thumb, and a palm attached to a wrist. A hand - your hands – have the ability to show love to your husband. Your fingers are 5 little things that make a huge difference in marriage.

What can you do with your hands?

write him or text him a love note
soothe the worries from his forehead or the sides of his mouth
feed him bits and bites of his favorites
caress (ah yes, that includes where your mind took you)
hold, clasp, touch, his hands

Holding hands is important.

A while ago my husband and I interviewed a couple married 53 years. They had 6 grown children, and lots of grandchildren. But that wasn’t what stood out. They were a really nice couple – hard working and kind. Wonderful – but none of that made a huge impression. You know what sticks in my mind to this day?

They held hands – all the time! In church they held hands. (My husband preached at their church ever so often and told me they held hands all through the service.) While they spoke with their friends, they held hands. All through our interview their hands were clasped, resting on his thigh. When they walked together her arm was through his, and they held hands.

Imagine. 53 years holding the same person’s hands… through every event life brings. Nice picture, huh?

5 Ways to Hold Hands

1. The old-fashioned, nothing fancy, your hand in his. It’s wrapping your four fingers around his four fingers and snuggling them securely into the clasp a thumb provides. Did you know we humans are unique? Not only because we have opposable thumbs, but because we can rotate our small and ring fingers across our palms to meet the thumb. Because of this “ulnar opposition” our hands have amazing grip, and torque ability. When times are tough – hold on tight to your spouse!

2. Start something good. While walking with clasped hands, use one finger to stroke his palm or the top of his thumb. When sitting, use both your hands to massage his hand and each finger. (It’s OK to take the massage a bit further.) Reach out and touch – if not now… then when?

3. Pinky swear. Sometimes it’s hot – this hooking of littlest fingers is perfect. It’s fun. Playful. Swing your arms to add some breeze. Want some sizzle in your marriage? Hook him with your pinky!

4. SOS Clutch. Send a message with Morse code – “short-long—short-short-” is the letter “L” in Morse code. Squeeze your husband’s hand to make a predetermined positive point. Signal your love with your hands.

5. Fingers entwined. You’re going all the way with this one – no hesitancy and sweaty palms are included! Fingers entangled, entwined, with the most surface covered – you and your husband are one. No matter what life brings – make sure you’re fully engaged with your spouse.

Reach Out

Touch is a gift. And when you’re holding your husband’s hand, you’re holding much more. Be gentle. Be kind. You’re also holding his heart in your hands.

Do you hold hands with your husband? Got a new way? Leave a comment!

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Let the Road Take You Away

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When was the last time you just hopped in your vehicle and let the road take you away?

Spending time with your husband doesn’t have to be complicated – the experience doesn’t have to be planned. Sometimes the unexpected creates the most memories.

Last Sunday we just took off in our truck – Robert and me. We came out from our neighborhood and turned left. That’s all we planned. Turning left. It was a beautiful, yet hot, North Carolina afternoon, and after a busy week we needed to escape. (Ever feel the need to escape? Yup. I thought so.) Because of commitments on Monday morning, our escape could only be for a few hours, but that didn’t stop us.

North Carolina back-roads are usually pretty smooth, so we meandered down first one road to another and then the next. No map. No GPS. At each crossroads Robert would ask me – “Left, right or straight?” It became a game.

We saw fields of fairly tall corn, tobacco plants shooting up and fresh cut hay. Because it was Sunday the combines were still and silent in the fields, waiting for Monday. Those who were out walking, or working in their yards alongside the road would lift a hand in greeting. We, of course, waved back. The clouds moved and shifted in the sky with the sun often peeking out. First through one small town, and then another. Wonderful names like Spring Hope, and Murray’s Millpond, Turkey Creek, and Peachtree Hills.

Then we came to Justice.

How many people search for justice and never find it? Well, we did. Right down the road. In North Carolina. Who knew?

What’s waiting for you just down the road?

This weekend, or next, take a few hours and be wanderers… explore. If you have kids, you may have to plan a drop off at a friends (or grandmas). Being alone with your spouse is key – it’s gotta be just the two of you!

Here are three things to keep in mind for your afternoon (or morning or evening) escape:

Don’t Plan - the fun is in the discovery! Create your own game for deciding which way to turn or when to stay straight.
Keep a Camera Handy – because you’re going to want to remember your adventure!
Don’t Be Afraid to Turn Around – you’re going to see things that will catch your imagination, so be ready and open to turning around, or going down a lane or stopping for an ice cream.

Remember, there’s no agenda – you don’t have to be anywhere. You’re just wandering.

When was the last time you escaped on an adventure?

Discover Your Spouse’s Language of Apology

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When I read this post by our fabulous HWC contributor, Lori Ferguson, the first thing I thought was, “Wow!”

For me, the language of apology is a brand new discovery. If the concept is new to you as well, I promise, you are in for a real treat today.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

___________

Do you ever “mess up”? Do you make mistakes – get it wrong – react without thinking – jump to conclusions – overreact – explode – forget or behave thoughtlessly?

Yup. Me too.

What do you do when saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough?

I imagine we all find ourselves in that spot where we need to apologize for various issues in life. Marriage may be filled with joy and laughter, fun and exhilaration, peace and rest, but it can also be sprinkled with hurt, misunderstandings, disappointments and angst.

It’s important to know how to apologize.

Some people are great with an apology. They’re able to put a smile back on their spouse’s face with little to no effort. Other couples don’t fair quite as well.

These couples might even avoid saying I’m sorry to their spouse because they think the next step is either frozen silence or a white-hot blast of words listing all past issues.

What’s missing?

Maybe you need to learn your spouse’s language of apology?

Why isn’t just saying you’re sorry enough? Our parents always made us say “I’m sorry” when we did something wrong, even if we weren’t sorry at all. What else needs to be said – or done?

Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas worked for more than two years researching why most apologies aren’t effective. (You might know Gary Chapman from his book “The Five Love Languages“.)

A few months ago I had the privilege of spending an evening with Jennifer Thomas talking about the book that grew from their research. The finished product is called “The Five Languages of Apology”, released in 2008, and then a re-write of the book this year with a new title, “When Sorry isn’t Enough.”

What are the 5 Languages of Apology?

While a person would probably respond best to one type of apology over another – because, after research Chapman & Thomas learned we all have a primary Apology Language – hearing more than one is also helpful. Here’s an overview of the 5 ways to express apology:

Expressing regret – “I am sorry.”
Accepting responsibility – “I was wrong.”
Making restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”
Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”
Requesting forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

So how do you know which “language” you or your husband needs to hear?

First, of course, I’d recommend reading the book. But until you can purchase it, there’s a nifty online 20-question assessment that will open your eyes to new ways to say “I’m sorry”. After doing the assessment you’ll receive a detailed explanation to help you understand the results.

Both Robert, my husband, and I took the assessment. It was insightful. My primary language of apology was to Genuinely Repent. I need to hear that when Robert messes up, he will try in every way possible, and in new ways, not to repeat what he’s done. His primary language of apology was Expressing Regret – for me to let him know I truly feel sorry for causing him pain, and take responsibility.

A Step Further

In addition to the conceptual, this assessment adds in suggestions. For example – within the explanation of using Robert’s Language of apology (Expressing Regret) is the suggestion of to best communicate:

“The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.”

I love practical suggestions.

What about you?

Taking this assessment has provided a real source of conversation for Robert and me – we weren’t fully one “language” – we had scores that included a few of the other Apology Languages. Interestingly, my score had a “0″ for Robert’s primary apology language. And he had a low score for my primary apology language. So when I express how sorry I am for messing up, I will rarely just express regret – I’m more likely to give reasons and solutions for how I won’t do it again. I might miss letting him know how deeply I feel, because I’m busy expressing “I’m sorry” in my own way.

I encourage you to try the assessment – and invite your spouse to do the same!

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3 Things to Make Your Marriage Thrive {Unpacking the Essentials}

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We are truly fortunate to have some of the best marriage writers on the web as a part of the contributing team at Happy Wives Club.

Here is one of our favorites, Lori Ferguson!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Some families move from one house to another every few years – others spend decades in a home before they move. Regardless how often you move, once you get to your destination there are essentials needed to settle into your new space.

What goes into your moving “essentials box”?

That first box to be unpacked – the one that travels with you in the car – will hold some items to set you up until the rest of your stuff arrives. Included are soap, toilet paper, light-bulbs, a shower curtain, and your important documents. (There are more and if you’re really moving I’d recommend looking at the list here.)

Translating it into marriage.

Just like our homes, over the years our marriages collect a lot of “stuff”. It’s good stuff – like memories, and routines, and likes/dislikes and traditions. (There’s also junk that needs to be purged – that’s another post!) But if you were to strip away everything superfluous, what would go into your first-to-unpack marriage box?

What is essential for that first bit of comfort?

What’s imperative to make your marriage great – the necessary items to thrive together in a new environment?

Values -Just like your important documents – passports, birth-certificates, and insurance papers – which detail and protect your identity, your values define your identity as a couple. What do you put first? What comes second? Regardless of the situation, your shared values are a compass for your actions. Shared values protect your identity as a couple.

New Ideas - We all come up against issues and situations that leave us in the dark. A room without a working source of light is a useless space. Just like a new light bulb, being filled with ideas, or the ability to search for ideas to solve a problem, creates a workable space. Where do you go for new ideas – solutions? Light, like new ideas, makes an unfamiliar space comfortable and seeing options makes new situations feel do-able. New Ideas illuminate your way as a couple.

Forgiveness – Making mistakes is part of being human and we regularly disappoint the one we love. Marriage is messy. Getting rid of the dirt is what’s imperative and that’s what forgiveness does. Expressing regret and receiving forgiveness cleans up your relationship. It’s a simple process… but not always easy. Just like the shower curtain keeps the cleaning process contained, and the soap dislodges the dirt, forgiveness is a process. And sometimes it’s necessary to use an entire roll of toilet paper for the other unmentionables life holds. Forgiveness – both being able and willing to express wrong doing, and then forgive – keeps a marriage clean.

Making it work – together.

Like the changes before, during and after a move – where you unpack, and shift things to new spots to work better for you – so a marriage changes from one season to another. Setting up your marriage, having kids, growing kids, leaving kids, illnesses, losses, promotions – they are all different seasons in a marriage. You and your husband remain. Together. As long as you have your “essentials” box, the other stuff can come and go.

What other “essentials” would you add to your must-have marriage box?

Or what have you left behind when you and your husband have moved from one season to another?

Leave a comment… Let’s make our own list!

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Charleston – Southern Charm

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If you want a to run away for a few days -or for a few weeks- Charleston South Carolina can meet all your holiday expectations with a charm that’s uniquely southern.

Robert and I could only sneak away for a few days, but we were thrilled and overwhelmed by all the options available: gourmet food, historic plantations, nature walks, golf, high-fashion shopping, craft shopping, along with breath-taking gardens, architecture, art exhibits, cultural events, and the most city tour options we’ve ever seen available. We could have chosen from…

a pirate tour,
a history stroll,
a Tea Party Tour,
a Civil War Walking Tour,
a historic home tour,
a pub tour,
a culinary tour,
a ghost tour,
an art gallery tour,
a boat and sea kayak tour,
an eco tour of the Barrier Island
a harbor tour,
a museum mile tour,
and many plantation tours including a Tea Plantation, a Winery, and a distillery.

Our first stop was Charleston’s Visitor Center in the old train station, where we planned our outings.I picked up many of the brochures, so if anyone is interested in visiting Charleston, the first person to email can have them! We recommend going to the Visitor’s center first to organize your options, and get a few deals.

Since it was our first time in Charleston, we decided to try out another first (for us) – a horse-drawn carriage tour. We chose one of the five options for carriage tour companies - Palmetto Carriage. Their tickets were less expensive when bought from the Visitor Center, and this company provides easy access for those with mobility issues.

Charleston has one of the most options for horse drawn carriage tours in the USA. The city downtown is divided into 5 zones, and using a lottery system each carriage on its way out is assigned a different zone. You won’t know which zone you’ll be touring – it’s all random.

Our tour operator – or as Ben named himself, “Historic Cultural Ambassador” – chatted with us about the history of Charleston, first gifted as a prize to eight friends of King Charles II in 1663, he pointed out the five historic churches from which Charleston became known as the “Holy City”, and gave many other stories and facts on the architecture, the history and the special aspects of his city.

Umbo, our horse, was great with all the traffic, and because the carriage was high off the ground our line of sight was unimpeded. If I were a photographer, I would have been in ecstasy and as a “graduated” home-school mom, I wish I’d taken our kids on a field trip to this city. It was a satisfying way to get our bearings and learn more about Charleston all in an hour’s tour.

Charleston, South Carolina is outstanding in many areas – historic homes and gardens, azaleas blooming with abandon in the spring, food options and cultural activities. However,one aspect threaded through our experience – Charleston’s charm. The people were friendly, and welcoming and it was easy to slow down to enjoy the city’s ambiance. Robert and I will definitely be returning! Maybe we’ll meet you there?

About Lori Ferguson

5 Tips to Travel Well as a Couple

Communication is Key (Bonus)

Leave a comment – I’d love to know your ideas!

What about gifts which require no money yet are memorable?

3 gifts which cost nothing and are fully under your control:

Can you think of other gifts – priceless gifts – you could give your husband this Christmas?

Did you know…

What’s your favorite part of West Virginia?

In Flanders Fields

Are there celebrations for November 11th in your area?

5 Ways to Hold Hands

Reach Out