Hopefully, you’ve been following our blog series for the past few days and you know we’re doing something we’ve never done.  We’re talking about finances.  I came to the realization last week that many in this Club are likely in the same boat as most of this world, experiencing one of the worst recessions of our lifetime.

I also know that finances is one of the areas I love talking about most and helping others get out of debt, so I thought, “Why not help my fellow happy wives?”  With that goal in mind, I began a series of blog posts dedicated to helping you and your family become Recession Proof.  No matter where you find yourself in this mess of an economy, rest assured your family can rise above it.  This post is part three so I encourage you to go back and review the first two installments if you weren’t with us last week. 

You may have heard over the years about the 80/10/10 rule.  I grew up understanding this principle and was forced to abide by it in my parent’s home.  I say forced because what kids wants to give up 20% of their allowance each week?  But in our house, it was not an option. 

If you’ve not heard of the 80/10/10 rule, it’s quite basic: 10% of all your income is set aside for a tithe (giving), 10% is set aside as savings and the other 80% is spent as you deem best.  This is a formula you will hear most financial experts talk about and it is one Keith and I highly recommend and have come to follow ourselves.

But I concluded long before I met Keith that the 80/10/10 rule is a goal but  the 10/90 rule is a requirement.  Let me explain what I mean.  Before I continue writing, now is a good time to invite anyone who did not view the first blog on this topic to please click here.  There is a disclosure regarding this subject that’s important for you to read prior to joining us in this series entitled Recession Proof.

Okay, everyone’s read the disclosure?  Great.  Allow me to explain the 10/90 rule.  It’s quite simple and THE MOST IMPORTANT point I will make throughout this blog series.  There are 10 steps to creating a recession-proof marriage, household and overall life.  Step 4, in my opinion, is the absolute most important and if it is the only step you follow, I believe you will see a change in your life.  Now, you may not become recession-proof, but your financial situation will begin to improve.

And here it is…drumroll please… The first 10-percent of your income does not belong to you.  Forget about it.  It doesn’t exist.  It comes in and it immediately goes out.  It never has time to settle into your bank account, no interest ever grows on it.  You are solely a funnel.  It goes in and it goes out.  Period.

Did you know in the Bible there is only one place God tell us to test Him?  Yep, only one place.  And it’s Malachi 3:10, “’Test me in this,’ says the LORD Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.’”  Now, I know tons of people who love quoting this scripture but few who actually know what it is referencing. 

Let’s test your knowledge.  At the beginning of the scripture when God says, “Test me in this…”, what is “this” that He is referencing?  Well, if you know the answer to that question, you know about the 10/90 rule.  God is referring to tithing.  Giving the first ten-percent of your income to the church.

There has been a dispute about tithing as long as there has been arguments about varying theology.  Most people find it difficult to “give up” what they believe they own.  In addition, if you speak to 8 different people: a theologian, rabbi, priest, evangelical pastor, televangelist, online minister, director of a faith-based charity and director of a non-faith based charity, you will get 8 different answers to this one question, “Is giving a tithe required?”  And if even half could agree on it being required, none would agree on where the tithe should go.   

But if you speak with 8 wealthy individuals and ask the same question, you will likely get the same answer: YES!  They may disagree on whether the tithe needs to be given to the church or to a charity but they will agree on the tithe as being the minimum amount of income that should be given away.

Don’t believe me?  Go to the top of the Forbes Rich List and work your way down.  Better yet, look in the top personal finance books of all time.  All of them.  Even in Rich Dad Poor Dad, one of the best-selling (if not the best-selling) personal finance books of all time, author Robert Kiyosaki says regarding tithing, “If I could leave one single idea with you, it is that idea.”  He wrote an entire book on what his “Rich dad” taught him that “Poor dads” tend not to teach their children and tithing was one of the most important lessons.

Kiyosaki goes on to repeat something his rich dad would always say, “Poor people are more greedy than rich people.”  He also noted that his educated “Poor” dad gave a lot of his time and knowledge, but almost never gave away money.

I am no theologian and have no desire to be (although I’ve studied the Bible extensively over the past 15 years) so I can only share my personal story with you, as well as others I’ve come across throughout my lifetime.

Without exception, every person I’ve ever spoken with who has had ongoing financial challenges has not followed the 10/90 rule.  And without exception, every person who has decided to follow this rule consistently – especially, when in the midst of a major financial crisis — has seen their financial situation improve dramatically. 

I have no explanation for this phenomenon other than God loves a cheerful giver.  Giving is a matter of the heart.  So not only is this rule the most important to follow, doing so cheerfully is almost just as important.

When Keith and I fell in love, we did so over the phone.  We were introduced by someone else and hadn’t even met each other in person before we knew we’d likely spend the rest of our lives together.  After finally meeting for our first date, by the time we concluded the evening, we both knew this was the last relationship we would ever have.  We’d found our soulmate and it would be for a lifetime.

Now, let me share a secret with you.  If when Keith and I’d had our first discussion about tithing, if he’d told me he wasn’t comfortable with giving ten-percent of our collective income to the church, we likely would not be married today.  It makes me incredibly sad to even think about my life without Keith and I’m so happy I don’t have to beyond this moment and only for the purpose of writing this blog post.

Here is the reason I would not have married Keith if we were not on one accord regarding the necessity of giving away at least a tenth of our income: I knew our household would not be fully blessed.  Regardless of whether or not ministers can agree on tithing, I know the principle of tithing works and God, for whatever reason, continues to bless the hands and lives of those who tithe cheerfully.

Let me share my personal story with you.  I mentioned my parents taught me the 80/10/10 rule when I was young.  I’d get allowance and 10% would go in an envelope for church and 10% would go in an envelope for savings.  As I got older, I continued with giving the first ten-percent of my income to the church and saving another ten-percent.

But somewhere around my early 20’s I began “borrowing” from my tithes envelope.  Now, Keith says he thinks “borrowing” was better than not giving at all because at least I was acknowledging the tithe belonged to God.  I think he’s just being nice because he loves his wife.  Here’s what I know for sure.  As long as I was not taking the first 10% of my income and giving it to the church, I was always in debt.  No matter how much I made, I never had enough to make it to the next paycheck.  Hand-to-mouth was definitely my realization.

One day, I looked at my tithe envelope where I’d written all the money I’d “borrowed” (I literally had a makeshift entry journal on the front of the envelope so I didn’t forget how much I took) and knew there was no way I could pay it back.  I’d gotten in too deep.  So I prayed to God and asked Him to forgive me.  I then made a commitment I’ve never broken and is also the reason I would not have married Keith if he wasn’t committed to tithing, “Lord, if you get me out of this financial mess I will never borrow from your tithes again.  Never.”

And let me tell you something.  I’ve never broken that pledge and I’ve never had a financial difficulty since.  It took a little bit of time (maybe six months or so) for me to get out of the financial mess I’d made but I tithed from the moment I said that prayer and from that moment forward, the tithe has literally “passed” through my hands.  It does not stop even for a moment.  As soon as the money comes in, a check goes out.  Period.

But I don’t just believe in the principal of tithing because the wealthy do it and it is something I believe kept me from living hand-to-mouth for most of my adult life.  I believe it because I’ve also seen it work in the life of EVERY person I know who has committed to doing it.

Over the years, I’ve had the pleasure of helping people get their personal finances in order.  I never made a business of it, I simply enjoyed doing it.  But there has always been one condition in my agreeing to help.  They must tithe.  I don’t want to waste my time giving advice or spending resources trying to help someone organize their debt and spending habits to begin creating a “recession-proof” life if they’re not willing to tithe.

About ten years ago, a family member came to me and she and her husband were continuously having financial challenges.  It was not a rare occurrence for their lights to be turned off or to come home and they didn’t have gas or water.  It was taking a toll on their relationship and their overall life.

I made them a deal.  I would act as their business manager.  We would set up a household bank account where each of their paychecks would be deposited.  I would then give each of them an allowance to cover all of their needs and a reasonable amount of their wants each month (more on allowances and “needs vs. wants” tomorrow).  I would pay all their bills from their household account and supply them with a monthly statement so they’d know exactly how much they had and how much they were saving.

I agreed to do all of this under one condition and one condition only: they would have to begin tithing…immediately.  They could not argue with me about it.  They could never question it.  Ten-percent of their income, whether they understood why or not, would go to the church the moment their paychecks were deposited.

What happened over the next year I’m certain will not be a surprise to you.  Within a few months, my wonderful family members saw their crazy financial situation begin to stabilize.  They had several freelance jobs offered to them almost instantaneously that allowed even more money to begin coming in to pay off their debt.

Within a year, they were nearly debt-free and by the next year they were putting a down payment on a four-bedroom home in a beautiful California neighborhood.  And it probably also won’t surprise you that the home was offered to them at nearly half of its actual value.  They started off with equity in their home – and a lot of it.

Stories like this are not rare.  It has happened with every single person (and couple) I know who have begun tithing and committed to becoming better stewards of the other 90% of their income (more on a this tomorrow).  When a couple comes to me that has continuously had financial challenges, I always have two questions: 1) Are you tithing? and 2) What are you doing with the other 90%?

But even though I always have two questions, I only get a chance to ask one.  I never get to the second question because the first answer for those I’ve met struggling financially has always been “No.”  No, they’re not tithing.  And thus, I always know where to advise them to begin.

In the one instance where a couple responded that they’d been tithing.  Keith and I were both stumped.  We’d never run into an instance in which a couple having continuous financial challenges were also tithers.  We remained baffled for a few months until we learned the whole story.  The couple was tithing “when they could.”  Sometimes they would and sometimes they wouldn’t. 

Here is where it is truly a matter of the heart.  God knows if you’re giving 10% of your income, cheerfully, and consistently.  I know some find it difficult to give to a church.  And for good reason.  Many have abused the tithe.  Some of the biggest culprits of wasting financial resources are churches and ministers. 

I’m convinced the reason few congregants adhere to pastors and preachers on the importance of tithing is they’ve subconsciously disqualified them to deliver that message.  Many have subconsciously concluded that since pastors and preachers have something personal to gain from receiving the tithe, they are delivering a biased message.

So maybe you’ll consider listening to someone who has nothing to gain by telling you it’s not only wise to make tithing a staple principle in your household, I truly believe it is one of the fastest ways to begin rising from the ashes of a recession. 

Listen, I’ve heard all the arguments against tithing to the church.  I get it.  And in most instances, I agree.  BUT — and it’s a very big but – a church wasting resources is not a good enough reason to not give your tithe.  It is not wise to allow the poor decisions of a few churches, ministers, and televangelists to dictate your personal financial destiny.

Just as I said in an earlier post, it doesn’t matter if the entire country or world is in a recession, your household isn’t required to participate.  The same is the case with the tithe.  There are many churches out there doing great things with the tithe and doing what churches are supposed to do, which is help the poor, orphans, widows and children. 

When you look at third world countries, it’s the church that continues to spread the message of helping those in poverty and motivating millions of people annually to do something about it.  There are many churches out there and if yours isn’t one of them…find a new church.  But don’t withhold the tithe for your own financial sake.

There are many who say you can give 10% to a charity and it doesn’t have to go to the church.  Keith and I give to charities and prayerfully we will always have more than enough to do so.  But, personally, this giving is above and beyond our tithe and we consider it an offering.  In your household, you must decide what is right for you.  I am not able to give advice on tithing to a charity because I’ve never done it and I’ve never tested it out with other couples.

In the past, whenever someone has come to me with financial challenges, the first thing I tell them to do is begin giving.  It’s something about giving to the church that God just seems to honor.  And I’ve never had one couple (or person) continue to struggle after they’ve applied the 10/90 rule consistently.

We’ve talked about the first 10% and tomorrow we’ll talk about what to do with the other 90%.  It’s all about stewardship.  God gives abundantly to those He can trust to be good stewards.  And He takes away from those He cannot. 

Are you one God has entrusted with his wealth?  If you’re not sure, check your bank account.  It won’t tell a lie.  And if you don’t need to check your account to know you can do better, you’re already halfway there.  Determine to begin giving ten percent today because those who learn to live on less than 90% will always have more than those who live on 100.  It’s always been that way and it’ll always be that way.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 15,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts?  Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

Uh oh, I’m about to dive into an area that’s a little touchy.  In most cases, I stick to talking about things and issues involving blue skies.  Even if those skies have a few clouds, they’re usually white and still make for a beautiful day.

But talking about money ventures into grey skies with grey clouds and an awful lot of rain pouring down on many households around the world.  So again, I know I’m going into some unchartered territory here so my hope is you won’t shoot the messenger.

Finances.  The number one cause for marital arguments has maintained one of the top two reasons for divorce in our country for as long as I’ve been alive.  Most couples begin in debt because of our infatuation with the perfect wedding and honeymoon.  When I was in the hotel business I was always amazed at the amount of money couples paid to get married.  A simple twenty-minute ceremony followed by food and dancing could easily (and oftentimes) climb into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

So here we are with most married couples beginning their new life together in debt and clawing to get out.  Add on top of that the debt each person brought into the marriage and you have a recipe for disaster – from day one.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, mix in a bad economy, layoffs, foreclosures and who can even think straight at that point?

As a couple, Keith and I decided in 2008 that we would not participate in this recession.  We’d let it go on around us but we wouldn’t think about it, wouldn’t read about it and we certainly would not get involved in it.  This probably sounds like we’re in a bubble…and we are.  We created a bubble for ourselves and with much prayer and wisdom have continued to navigate the waters in these “interesting” times and we’ve spent zero time blaming the government, other people or the banks for anything that’s happened over the last three years.

We’ve done no blaming because we’ve not had time.  We were too busy putting things into action and getting our house in order.  We were making our lives “recession proof.”  So how did we do it and is it too late for you and your hubby to do it too?  It is absolutely not too late and my hope is you’ll join Keith and me in creating your own “bubble.”

Today’s posting has no actual details contained and that is because the blog posts related to finances comes must with a disclosure.  When I created this club, I did so with the intention that women from every race, religion and socio-economic background could benefit and would not skew toward any set group.  And I will continue to write blog posts with this in mind.

But when venturing into waters as deep as finances, I don’t know how to help you navigate without God as your ship captain.  I’ve never attempted to do that so I can’t give advice on it.  I can only speak from experience and in our household, God is the most important factor in all we say and do (many times we fail, but we always dust ourselves off and try again). 

I am sensitive to the fact that many members of this club may not believe in the God of my faith.  And the purpose of this blog is not to convince you otherwise.  So here is the DISCLOSURE: I’m launching a blog series on finances and will be sharing how Keith and I have managed not to participate in this recession.  But most of the principles we’ve followed come from the Bible, Dave Ramsey and Rick Warren. 

Please know that no matter your faith, I believe you can and will benefit.  But I wanted you to know there will be a faith-based component to my writings over the next week or so and I will respect your decision if you choose not to read them.  But if finances have been weighing heavily on your marriage, I think you might find it worthwhile to at least take a peak… 

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

If you’ve been reading this blog for the past week or so you know I’ve been trying everything I know to create enough time each day to get all my various work and personal desires accomplished.  This has been a fleeting proposition for some time. 

Two weeks ago I mentioned I’d decided to no longer check my Facebook account or do any form of internet searching (read the news online, look at articles that pop up while trying to check my email, etc) except one day a week and for a limited amount of time that day.  This certainly gave me some time back as I realized I was probably wasting an hour or so a day looking at photos/status updates on FB and reading articles that really didn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things.

Then on Thursday, I made the grim discovery that even with all this change and a few others I still didn’t seem to have enough time.  Not because my work exceeded the 16 hours daily given to work (this excludes 8 hours I try to set aside to sleep each night) but because I had become unorganized.  A person who’d always prided herself in being organized had become…gulp…unorganized. 

I had a wake-up call which turned into my weekend confession (see blog with that title from Friday if you didn’t get a chance to read it.  Before I signed off last Friday, following a day of finally getting my home and work life organized, I determined this week would be different.

So I begin today with a renewed hope in my ability to love at my highest level and display a greater amount of patience than I have in a while.  As I mentioned last week, when I’m stressed or stretched too thin, I find that I make less time to smile at the grocery store clerk, respond to my team members with patience and grace, or just the basic things that allow the light inside of me to shine brightly. 

I can still proclaim I am a happy wife, as that is certainly the case, but I also must acknowledge the time allotted for my family seems to get smaller and smaller when my schedule begins to get the best of me.  I must figure out a way to get everything done and still maintain of balance of life, love and the existence of happiness.

So this week I am making another change and it is likely to be the greatest sacrifice or challenge to date.  I am increasing my work week to six days instead of five with one day off to rest, renew and be refreshed.  Due to changes in Keith’s workload, he’s also recently increased his work week to six days so thank God we’ll still be on the same schedule.  Instead of TGIF we’ll be saying, TGIS!

Sometimes the answers to our greatest challenges lie in our willingness to sacrifice.  Hopefully, for most of you that sacrifice doesn’t involve a six day work week.  But maybe it involves making better purchasing decisions during times when finances and resources are getting tighter.  I was talking to a woman on Saturday who shared with me she owns 100 pairs of shoes.  Quickly calculating in my head I said, there’s only 365 days a year so what in the world do you do with 100 pairs of shoes.  She admitted many are still sitting in the boxes without having been worn but she just loves shoes.

Sacrificing is rarely fun.  And quite frankly, I’d be perfectly fine to do without it.  But sometimes it is a necessary part of life, especially, when it comes to family and keeping a happy home.  Sacrifices related to time and money are probably the most difficult to make.  But so often we must decide to make them if we are to keep peace and harmony in our home and work place.

This week is going to be interesting.  But oddly enough, I already feel an incredible sense of relief knowing I can spread the work out over six days instead of five.  This sacrifice has now become my source of relief.  I wonder if the same will happen for you when you commit to making a sacrifice you know will increase the overall health of your family.

Let’s see.  If there is a sacrifice you know you need to make that you’ve been putting off, make this week the week you surrender and getter’ done.  Like me, you may find the sacrifice you’ve been resisting is the adjustment needed to finally allow you to bring balance to your life.

Until next time…make it a great day!

I don’t know why but for some reason when I think about having a healthy heart, I think of Cheerios.  Even though the FDA warned us a few years ago that the claims on the Cheerios box and in its commercials aren’t necessarily accurate, I still can’t stop associating a healthy heart with that honey nut box of O’s.

Maybe it’s years and years of commercials dancing around in my head or the fact that when I go down the cereal aisle I’m always tempted to pick up a box because, after all, who doesn’t want to have a healthy heart?  But for so many of us creating a healthy heart has far less to do with the myogenic muscular organ responsible for pumping blood through our body and a lot more to do with protecting our “heart” from allowing negative thoughts to enter.

In terms of love and feelings, when we talk about our heart we’re usually talking about the center of our being.  We recognize without a heart we fail to live.  And you can usually pick a person with a hardened heart out of a crowd.  They’re the one that has almost nothing good to say.  The world is coming to an end and the sky is falling before their very eyes.

On the other end of the spectrum is the person who walks in a room and lights it up with their smile, laughter, and overall love of life.  They are the person people gravitate to and want to know more about.  They have what so many are lacking and it is clear from the offset.  A heart that radiates.  A healthy heart. 

My Spanish professor is that way.  She is the strictest professor I’ve ever known and yet, her heart always shines through…especially, when talking about her husband.  It seems as though at some point throughout each class, she finds a way to slip in a mention of her husband.  How handsome he is or wonderful he has been or how her favorite things to do always involve her husband.  I’m not too sure how long they’ve been married but judging by the age of their two adult kids I’d say somewhere around 35 years.  And yet she still reminds me of a little girl experiencing her first crush on a boy.

I love seeing that.  There is something about listening to a happy wife that makes me smile.  And I bet you’re the same way.  The sparkle in their eye, the twinkle in their smile.  You can tell they’ve been eating their Cheerios!

Generally speaking, I’m a cheerful person.  I’m rarely upset and do my best to keep frustrations at bay.  But what I’ve learned is when I’m stressed, that light inside me quickly dims.  When my schedule is too full, I seem to have less time to say hello to people walking by or smile at the person serving me at a grocery store, gas station, etc.  I’m far more strict with staff and my patience is fleeting.

Yesterday, I was having a terrible day.  Nothing was wrong, I just felt overwhelmed.  The schedule I’d been keeping was finally catching up with me and I felt as though I was getting very little done.  You know that feeling when you have so much to complete you just stare at the work wondering where to begin?  All day, I felt this weight on me and couldn’t seem to shake it. 

Beginning at about 1pm I could barely keep my eyes open.  I was tired (even though I slept a full eight hours the night before) and was dragging through the day.  This is definitely not a productive state of being.  So around 4pm, I stopped what I was doing, popped in my yoga DVD and got to work.  Although I was tired, I knew if I could push my body to its limit, somehow I’d feel better on the other side.

I’m a huge fan of power yoga (aka Vinyasa).  I’m not a chanter, I don’t eat vegan granola and I certainly don’t speak Sanskrit, but I love yoga.  I’ve been practicing it for at least 7 years now and in a perfect world I’d do it five times a week.  Yesterday reminded me why.  At the beginning of the video, the instructor tells viewers to place their hands in front of their heart and set an intention for their practice (this is common with all forms of yoga).  My intention was to release any and all negative energy I was carrying and to finish refreshed and energized to take on the mounting pile of work on my desk.

I began with deep inhalations, inhaling the breath from my toes to the crown of my head and then exhaling it in a huge push out of my mouth.  I did this several times to begin the practice and several times lying on my back to end it.  Forty-five minutes later, when the video ended, I was a renewed person ready to tackle all the work before me.  I prayed for wisdom in knowing how to dissect my work and still complete it all with excellence.  My prayer was answered and thus began the beginning of a wonderful day – at 5pm!

When Keith called just a little while later and said, “How was your day?”  I was able to answer with all honesty that it was great.  It definitely started off a bit rocky but nothing I needed to bore him about.  The bottom line is all was great at that moment and all had been reconciled from earlier in the day.

We all need a release.  For some it’s reading a book.  For some it may be running, Pilates, practicing yoga or some other form of exercise.  For many it’s praying and/or meditating.  For me, it’s usually a combination of yoga and prayer.  Whatever it is, there are always times when we can use a boost to get over a hump. 

Do you know what allows you to release negative energies in your life?  Maybe it’s just me and you don’t have these experiences to which I say, “Kudos!  I really want to be your friend!”  But for those who do have challenging days or negative feelings that seem to come out of nowhere, how do you get over them without pulling anyone else into that space with you?  When you get in a funk do you stay there or do you push your way out? 

Although I don’t experience days like this often, what I’ve discovered is finding a way to deal with them without dragging my husband, family or friends down is incredibly beneficial for all.  I am grateful I didn’t speak to my husband most of the day because he didn’t need to have any additional weight dropped on him.  He loves me immensely so I know he would have spent time and thought trying to figure out how to make my day better.  But he also has more than enough pressure at work, as do most of our husbands, so why burden him with something I could (and should) resolve myself? 

This, I believe, is the thought of a healthy heart.  As much as possible, I always want to give the best of myself.  When things aren’t perfect and you’re feeling down, how do you encourage yourself?  How do you get your heart pumping again and actively operating as your life source?  Yesterday, for me it was yoga.  Some days it’s breathing deeply and reminding myself over and over of how grateful I am to have a husband who loves me, a wonderful family, and the many other blessings this life has to offer.

My goal each day is to live my life to the fullest and I can only do that with a heart full of love, compassion and grace.  Not just grace toward others but grace toward myself.  Yesterday was tough and I promised myself that portion of the day – before I got my heart right – would be a distant memory.  And after I sign off on this blog, I assure you it will be.

Until next time…make it a great day!

I’m not a big television person.  I probably watch TV once a month and go to the movies about as often.  That is a part of what made last season’s American Idol so fascinating for me.  Not only did I watch it every week but I then proceeded to vote the moment the phone lines opened and would press redial to cast my vote for the same person 100-plus times.

It all started during the American Idol auditions in Milwaukee.  There was a 16-year old kid from Garner, North Carolina with a voice that reminded me of a younger Garth Brooks.  He opened his mouth to sing the first few bars of Josh Turner’s Your Man (Baby, lock the door and turn the lights down low) in the deepest voice I’ve ever heard from a teenager and I was hooked!  I told Keith, I want to adopt him!  To which he quickly assured me this kid was doing just fine.  Even still, you would have thought I was a proud mother the way I cheered for him all season long. 

To this day, I don’t know how I as an African-American woman in her mid-thirties, born and raised in Los Angeles, working non-stop since I was 18-years old and moves at the pace of the energizer bunny fell in love with the slow, simple lifestyle provided only through country music.  When Keith and I first met, he loved every type of music – and I mean everything from heavy medal to R&B – except country.  But I was determined to make him a fan.  Maybe I’ll write something about that funny transition later this week…

Anyhow, Scotty McCreery, the teenager from N.C. made a fan out of me – and America – from day one.  One judge, Jennifer Lopez, after the audition said, “…he’s legendary” to which judge Randy Jackson said, “He’s on his way.”  I drove my family crazy the entire season.  They were all rooting for a few other contestants so we bantered about that every time I went to visit them.  My mom was the only one who liked Scotty (likely because I think all moms liked Scotty).

So it’s no surprise when his album became available this past week, I went online and pre-ordered it.  Yes, I was excited to purchase the CD of a 17-year old kid from the South.  I popped the CD in my car stereo and blasted it for the hour long drive to my parent’s home and excitedly showed it off to them when I arrived.  They all shook their heads (as country music isn’t exactly the genre played in the family household) but indulged me by allowing me to play my favorite tracks from the album.  The first song I played was the one that quickly became my favorite on the drive over to the house: Dirty Dishes. 

The melody and Scotty’s singing were great but what really got me were the lyrics:

Mama hollers “Supper time,
And don’t make me tell you twice
Wash your hands and wipe your face.
The table’s no place for your toys,
And try to use your inside voice,
Don’t dig in ’til we say Grace.”
So we put down our forks and bowed our heads
And then she prayed the strangest prayer ever said:

“I wanna thank You Lord,
For noisy children and slamming doors,
And clothes scattered all over the floor,
My husband workin’ all the time,
Draggin’ in dead tired at night,
My never ending messy kitchen
And dirty dishes.”

We all got real still and quiet,
And daddy asked “Hon, are you alright?”
She said, “Dear, ain’t nothing wrong,
Noisy kids are happy kids,
And slamming doors just means we live,
In a warm and loving home,
Your long hours and those dishes in the sink,
Means a job and enough to eat.

So I’m gonna thank You Lord,
For noisy children and slamming doors,
And clothes scattered all over the floor,
A husband workin’ all the time,
Draggin’ in dead tired at night,
A never ending messy kitchen

For my little busy bees
Beggin’ mama, mama can we please?
Always wantin’ me to call their name
Loads of laundry pilin’ up
Crayons crushed into the rug
And those little sticky kisses
And dirty dishes,
And dirty dishes…”

Listening to this song made me think about how grateful I am for my marriage, our love, our family and every single thing that makes us unique.  I truly believe gratefulness is one of the most important ingredients in the recipe for a great life and a successful marriage.  When Keith and I go out to dinner he teases me because I almost never bring my purse or wallet.  “Why should I,” I tease, “We’re on a date.”

In the years we’ve been together, I’ve never taken for granted the times he takes me out to dinner (which is often since neither of us have much time to cook after work), to the movies or even buys me a frozen yogurt.  And on the rare occasions I pull cash out of my pocket to pay for something, I still say thank you and show my appreciation for him going with me to the store or restaurant or movies.  I’m grateful.  There are many other things he could be doing and he’s chosen to do something with me.

Sometimes when we get comfortable in our marriage we can forget to say thank you.  To show our gratitude to the one who has dedicated their life to us.  We forget how much our husbands need to feel appreciated.  We forget how much they need to know our lives would not be the same without them.  Simple things like taking out the trash or changing a light bulb.  “Thank you” is free and yet it’s one of the most valuable currencies around.

I know there are certain things we think our husband’s should just do.  And most of it is true.  But even if it’s something they should do and we expect them to do, it doesn’t mean we can’t show our gratefulness.  G.K. Chesterton once said, “I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”

When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to your husband or children for something they did or just for being?  I am a true believer that gratitude is what opens the doors to sustained peace and happiness.  When we focus on what is good and what is right, somehow what is less than perfect seems to fall by the wayside.  A friend of mine posted on her Facebook page the other day, “When you change the way you look at things… The things you look at change.” 

Look into your husband’s eyes today and find as much to be grateful for as possible and just keep saying “thank you” until he tells you to stop.  I’m telling you, it works!  They love it and they’ll love you more for it.  And oddly enough, the more we say thanks, the more thankful we become, and the better our life will seem…and will be.  Never underestimate the power and importance of gratitude.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

I mentioned in Tuesday’s post that I recently crossed Spanish immersion off my bucket list.  This was an incredible feat because I’d wanted to do this for years but Keith was not a fan for a couple reasons.  His main problem with me going to another country to learn the language was, in his words, “Everybody’s got at least one crazy uncle!” 

With immersion, most programs require you stay with a host family that only speaks the language you’re learning.  Needless to say, it took 7 years to find a school that didn’t require me to stay with a host family and my 35^thbirthday (it’s always good to use special birthdays with a bit of “pleeeeeaaassseeee” for requests that have previously been crushed).  He finally said yes…with a great deal of reservation.  His concern for my safety was great and who could blame him.

In order for me to leave for a month, I had to put things in order for my company and to set things up to run smoothly without me around.  I knew when I returned I was going to need to hit the ground running and the days following my return would be hectic.  So what possessed me to register at the local college to take a Spanish course that would start two days after I returned home?  Insanity.

One of the things they tell you when being immersed in another language is to make sure as soon as you return home to figure out a way to keep studying every single day.  Since I’m a bit of a perfectionist and like to get A’s, I knew taking a class at a local college would be the way to make me continue studying every day.

On the first day of class, the professor said, “You will need 16 hours each week to dedicate solely to my class.  You will spend 5 hours with me, 1 hour in language lab and an additional 10 hours on homework.  And if you think I’m one of those professors who talk a tough game but then give you less work than they say, ask my former students.  You will need no less than 16 hours a week.”  Now, I’d just returned from being away from work for a month.  I couldn’t dedicate 16 hours to a class.  So the smart move would be to drop the course and to try again the next semester.  But I’m a glutton for punishment so I decided against doing the smart thing.

What is it about women that we think we can do everything? Men know their limitations.  They go to work.  Some work out.  Then they come home and do as little as necessary.  They recognize their limits and stick with them.  Even their mothers knew their limitations which is why boys always have less work than girls growing up.  This is likely what possesses us to think we can work full time, take care of the kids, take care of the house and oh yes, dedicate 16 additional hours a week to taking classes.  I think God placed a little “nuttiness” inside all women.  We sing, “I’m every woman” but we should really be singing, “I’m a nutty woman, it’s all in me!”

So here I am trying to juggle running an internet company, going to school twice a week, a ridiculous amount of homework, getting involved with a Spanish church and Spanish club (to continue with the immersion), spend time with my parents each week who are a bit ill, give of myself to friends and family (I have 5 siblings), keep up with this blog I enjoy so much and still have quality time with my hubby.  I’ve overcommitted myself.  I usually do.  But at least I’ve gotten better in recent years with limiting how much of me I am willing to give. 

Women are not the best at limiting ourselves.  We usually feel guilty about saying no.  When I first began using that fabulous monosyllabic word, I felt horribly guilty.  I’d say no and then sulk for the rest of the day feeling bad about it.  I still feel bad when I have to say no.  But I know it’s important.  If a friend wants to get together or if my family is having an event, if I have something else going on the same weekend, someone has to hear no.  I need a day to rest.  I need to renew.  I need alone time with my hubby.  Weekdays are so crazy, the weekends are our time to regroup.  I can’t fill both days with events, people and errands.  It’s just not healthy.

So I’ve learned to say no to other’s requests.  It took years, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it.  What I’m still not good at is telling myself no.  I pack my schedule with so much and then waste additional time in the day.  I don’t know about you but Facebook is a horrible time suck for me.  I can spend an hour looking at everyone’s status updates and photos.  I plan to go on and post a quick update and an hour later I’m still on that darn thing. 

So I’ve made a decision, this week I’m fasting from Facebook and internet reading (I can’t even tell you how often I get pulled into reading an article when I only wanted to go online to check my Gmail).  Maybe this “fast” will free up some time.  I’ll go on Facebook only one day this week.  Ditto with internet searches or reading the news online.  I’ll let you know how much free time it gives me.  Or should I say, how much time it frees up so I can dedicate it to one of the other dozen things on my “to do” list.

Give it a try too.  I bet you too have more things on your plate than you can even imagine and Facebook and internet searching/reading takes up more time than you have to give.  Reroute that time this week to your hubby and the kids.  See what happens. 

Ooh, and if you’re really feeling bold, remove email from your iPhone, Blackberry or any other smart phone you use and see how much time that frees up.  I did that a couple years ago and you wouldn’t believe how much better I feel.  I tell those I work with, if it’s an emergency – pick up the phone and dial my number.  I assume all emails can be returned when I’m at my computer.  That gave me back a lot of time (and I stress less). 

Try it out.  See how much time you get back.  I bet the office won’t burn down because you’re not checking email from your phone.  And I bet you didn’t miss anything important on your friend’s status updates.  Because, really, if it was that important they’d call or text you, right?  Let’s hold our breath and unplug for a week and see what happens.  I’d love to hear your experience so feel free post your comments below.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

I’ve been married almost 8 years now and Keith and I just discovered something the other day.  My love language is: physical touch.  My secondary love language is: words of affirmation.  Have you read the 5 Love Languages?  That book has been on my list forever but I’m yet to read it (I even think I bought it and it’s in a pile of books somewhere).  But with the trusty dusty internet, I was able to look up the synopsis of the book and glean quite a bit of good information.  Enough to be able to determine my love language.

The premise of the book is this: “Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages.”  This author of this bestselling book (over 5 million sold), Dr. Gary Chapman, has been a marriage counselor for 30 years and has identified what he says are the 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Who would have thought my love language would be physical touch?  And we just discovered not only is it mine but it’s also Keith’s.  Both of us have a secondary love language (which is almost equally as important but not as much) and that’s words of affirmation.  You can pick up the book for more info (or just go to its website as they do a good job explaining the love languages there: www.5lovelanguages.com).

The way I found out was a bummer though: withdrawal.  I was recently in Costa Rica for a month on a Spanish immersion trip (one of the things on my bucket list I’d been hoping to cross off for years) and was without Keith for a month.  We video Skyped every day and his mom went on the trip with me so it wasn’t that bad.  While I was away, he was promoted to a role in his company that took him from overseeing US government relations to worldwide.  Needless to say, he had plenty to keep him busy while I was gone.

When I returned, it was like he’d missed me his whole life.  I came back late on a Saturday night and for 24-hours, we never left each other’s side (almost literally).  But then the work week began again and his days ran into night and he was exhausted by the time he got home.  As soon as I returned from the trip, I was also inundated with work.  I began a Spanish class here at the local college to make sure I didn’t lose everything I’d just spent 6 hours a day for a month learning (I don’t know why I thought I could add classes 2 days a week to my schedule – more on this another day).  We became two trains passing in the night.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I could feel we were more distant but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  Something didn’t feel right but I didn’t know what.  I’m the type of person that looks for patterns and tries not to jump to any conclusion until I’ve see a pattern emerging.  It wasn’t until we went to see Moneyball this past Friday night that I realized what it was.  We’d been away from each other so long we’d begun doing things on our own.  We found a coping mechanism while apart which was keeping ourselves as busy as possible – and a bit detached.

Usually, when we are sitting near each other, we are always intertwined.  My head is nuzzled in his chest, his arm is wrapped around my shoulder or his hand is rubbing my leg.  We’re always touching.  Stroking each other’s face, lightly massaging each other’s neck, holding hands, etc.  We sat next to each other for two hours through a movie and barely touched.  He reached over for, maybe, 5 minutes to rub my legs.  And then I immediately knew what was off.  What I’d been feeling for a few weeks but couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

When we got in the car, I addressed the issue but we didn’t discuss it much because we have an agreement not to discuss potentially weighty issues when we’re tired (10pm ish).  We made this agreement in premarital counseling 8 years ago and we’ve stuck to it.  So although I brought it up, we didn’t really deal with it until the next morning.  Keith woke me up early with a kiss and back rub and…ummm…  And then we talked.

In our conversation, we realized not only was physical touch (outside of the bedroom) how I received love it was also his way of receiving love.  Meaning, I didn’t need him to tell me he loved me verbally.  He could just look me in the eyes and stroke the side of my face and it was more powerful to me than him saying a word.  Me kissing him on his forehead or ear while holding his hand was more powerful to him than any word I could say.  Then it hit me.  Wow, what if we never figured this out.  If we simply continued at the hectic pace we’d somehow adopted and become two trains passing in the night?  We could have begun growing apart and never realize the cause until years down the road.

Hmmm…this is starting to sound like an endorsement for buying the 5 Love Languages.  Maybe that’s what this is (although I can’t endorse something I haven’t read).  What I will say is this: it is worth your time to identify your love language and your husband’s.  You don’t have to know everything about the “language” just knowing what it is can be helpful. 

I think it’s pretty easy to identify.  Which of the 5 languages Dr. Chapman identified make you feel the most loved?  When your husband cooks, washes the dishes and takes the kids to school to give you a day off, do you feel most loved then?  When he comes home with a gift for no reason, does that say ‘I love you’?  Knowing what your love language is can be hugely beneficial for you both.  For instance, if Keith brought a gift home for me I’d be appreciative but it wouldn’t speak to my heart.  I don’t care much about gifts.  Acts of service…ditto.  What I care about is physical touch.  Embracing me says “I love you” more than anything else he could ever do.

What is your love language? What is your hubby’s?  What are your kids?  Do you know?  Well, that seems like a fun exploratory mission if you haven’t already done this exercise.  If you’ve done this before, I’d be curious to know how you learned of your love language and if it’s had a positive impact on your relationship.  Post your thoughts below…we’d love to hear them.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

It’s a new dawn.  It’s a new day, it’s a new life.  And I’m feeling gooooooooood.  Cue the horns: da da da da da da.  No, this isn’t a Weight Watchers commercial with Jennifer Hudson.  What many of you don’t know is I love to sing.  And I mean really sing.  Loud with a little Elvis hip movement is my favorite way to belt out a hit.  Unfortunately, I can’t sing!  Keith always jokes, “Sweetie, your voice is so precious you should put it in a box and place it delicately on a shelf.  And when the time is right, you should take the box down and share your voice with the world.  I’ll let you know when the time is right.”  And you guessed it, in 8 years the time has never been right.

So I’m singing this song in my head (with a little hip action) as to not wake the neighbors or send my lovely husband to work with a bad taste in his mouth.  But this song made me think about this Club so I’m feeling goooooooood da da da da da da… 

It’s a new day.  What does that mean?  It means Happy Wives Club is getting an overhaul.  I will be the first to admit I’ve been lazy over the past year as it relates to this Club.  Like a billion other things I’ve started with gusto only to allow fizzle out, this Club was headed in that direction.  Not because I didn’t value the members or didn’t see its important but because it takes more time to blog than many think. 

What was I thinking starting a blog and I was the only one writing?  Other sites I love like TheDatingDivas.com (great job, Tara and gang) or FitMomsFitKidsClub.com (love it, Annett) were smart enough to enlist people to help write the daily blogs.  But not me.  I just started writing…and writing…and writing until I got bored with my own words.  But this site is about so much more than my words.

This club is about the collective voice of its members rejecting traditional thoughts on love and marriage.  It’s a desire of the thousands of members of this club around the world to be a part of something (I don’t like to use the word movement so insert any word you like) that builds up marriage in our own hearts, as well as in the eyes of our children (who could soon live in a world where marriage is no longer valued and is wholly undermined by divorce rates and tales of being unhappily married ever after). 

When I began the club, I was just searching for happy wives to give a voice to women like me who adore their husbands and love being married.  Now, it’s evolving.  It’s no longer just about finding happy wives but about also helping create them.  A marriage doesn’t have to start out “happy” to end that way. 

Most of us are not taught how to live with another person or how to merge our life with that of another.  So where do we learn it?  How can a marriage be turned from dull and mundane to loving, exciting and lasting?  Hmmm…where do we start?  I’ve got an idea.  We have brilliant members out there with so many thoughts on this and I’m going to ask them to share.

So this is what a new day means, I’m dusting off this site and relaunching it as less of a novelty (something the press likes) and making it more meaningful.  As many days as possible, I will come to this site and check in with you.  Give you a thought for that day or introduce a guest blogger with the same desire as me, to see lives improved for married couples all over the world and to increase the number of smiles seen on the faces of women who have pledged, ‘til death do us part.’

So, here we go!  The first time we launched the site there was fanfare and media associated.  This time, we’ll do this quietly.  It’s just you, me and maybe 10,000 or so like us.  Let’s change the way the world thinks about marriage…one happy wife at a time!