I got quite comfortable with an interesting word yesterday: libido. Today, we’re continuing with part two
of my interview with Sheila Wray Gregoire with Love, Honor & Vacuum and we’re talking about sex, the libido and what your attitude toward both has to do with a great marriage. If you didn’t have a chance to read part one, I highly recommend going back as that will give proper context for the remainder of this interview. We’re picking up where we left off yesterday…
“When you don’t feel like ripping his clothes off,” Sheila continues, “you therefore feel like you’re not in the mood. So you say no. But in women, desire and arousal usually follows. It’s a part of making love but it doesn’t always precede it. For men it does but for women it follows. So if we just decide we’re going to jump in, our bodies will usually follow. But we need to make that decision.” Interesting, I thought. But doesn’t that make sex with our spouse a bit transactional? Apparently not.
“I don’t know if you heard that ‘men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers thing?” Sheila asked. “Well, it’s not true… Here’s why I don’t’ think it’s true. It implies that women are going to heat up. And the truth is a woman will not heat up.” Uh oh, we’re treading some deep waters here because I’ve certainly heard the argument for women heating up. But what Sheila said next made even more sense, “A woman has to be the one to turn the switch. A man can’t turn it for her. You could be lying in bed and he could be doing the exact same thing he did two nights ago and two nights ago it was wonderful and tonight you’re just thinking get it over with because I want to get to sleep. And if that’s what’s going on in your head, you’re not going to get aroused no matter what he does because we control the switch.”
Sheila contends that was a huge lesson for her to learn, that it was her attitude toward sex that mattered far more than anything else. And if she just got a positive attitude about it, if she intently thought tonight she’s going to jump in and have fun. Her body usually followed. It didn’t always, she made sure to mention, but usually it would.
“It all came down to me making the decision,” Sheila continued. “I think what a lot of women are doing is waiting to feel aroused and you’re waiting to feel aroused, you’re never going to do it.” I was beginning to understand why attitude truly determined libido. But I also wanted to know why she thinks sex in marriage is so important. I know why I think it but wanted to hear her thoughts. “It’s one of the few ways you can truly connect on all three levels at the same time: physically, spiritually and emotionally,” she responded.
“When most people think of sex, they think only of the physical. And I’m not saying the physical isn’t good, the physical is great. But sex is so much more than that. It’s such a deep knowing where you really, really know each other and you’re totally vulnerable to each other. Totally bare together. And if we’re not connecting that way, we’re truly losing out on true intimacy. I think we underestimate how much we need that because we think it’s all physical and it’s not. Guys need it, obviously, perhaps more than we do but,” she added, “women usually misunderstand a man’s need for sex.”
So what do men really need and what do we, as women, truly need when it comes to sex? First of all, Sheila contends, men are not like lizards. They aren’t just looking to have sex and although their bodies do need sexual release, that cannot be the reason you give yourself to your husband physically. “A lot of women think since he needs it, they’ll do it and turn to him and say, ‘So you wanna?’ with just about that lever of enthusiasm,” Sheila says. “But you’ll have sex and then be lying there the whole time with a shopping list going through your head.” I can relate! I’ve certainly had that happen to me at times. And I have to figure out how to shut off the switch. How to stop the grocery list from running in my head so I can enjoy the moment. So I asked her, “How do you, when your brain is going crazy and you have a checklist running in your mind, how do you personally shut that off so you and your husband can be together intimately?” I was so grateful for her response because I knew it would help me in my own relationship.
“It’s really hard but I think it was something I realized about 3 years ago, so it took 17 years of marriage,” she chuckled. “We had a fairly decent sex life but there were times when I thought, ‘I’ve got too much on my mind’ and I’d think, ‘I just can’t have sex right now.’ But what I found is I never slept well those nights anyway. Because you sleep better after sex.” True! I always fall asleep immediately following sex and so does my hubby. Sheila explained why, “Your body physically relaxes much more following sex. Once you decide to let go, you feel as though you’ve fully connected.”
So how has that manifested in her sex life? “Now, I’m almost the opposite. I think, ‘Oh my goodness, I’ve got so much on my mind. Come here, you gotta put me to sleep.’” She said she actually says that to him sometimes, “You’ve got to put me to sleep.” When you say “no” to sex because you have so many thoughts going on in your head, you end up laying there tossing and turning and the thoughts don’t go away. But when you connect with your husband, you’ll likely go to sleep faster and will sleep better. When you start seeing this has a side benefit, you have a much more positive attitude about it.”
Better sex = sleep better. And another positive result of a healthy sex life she points out is your husband will feel good not just physically but emotionally, “For men, it’s not just sexual release that they need as much as it is that sense that you want them. That you’re engaged in the process. They don’t want to be placated, they want to be wanted. A guy who is getting regular sex from his wife who he feels wants it is, oddly enough, not as concerned about frequency. However, if you have sex with your husband several times a week and never initiate it but are just lying there, he’s going to be asking you about it every day. He needs that reassurance that you find him attractive. He needs that reassurance that you desire him. What he needs is that connection because that’s his doorway into intimacy. So maybe if we understood that we’d think about it a little less like a physical thing and more like a deep intimacy thing, which is what it is supposed to be.”
Great point. So is good sex the most important part of a loving and healthy marriage? Not according to Sheila. The number one thing on her Top 5 list for things they do or believe that attributes to their awesome marriage is: Laugh a lot.
Join me here Friday for the final installment of this interview with Sheila Wray Gregoire. If you learned something over the last two days, you definitely want to return Friday because it only gets better.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
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to him, this is how we would unwind on many nights after a long day at work. I, on the other hand, would be perfectly happy if we didn’t own a television at all.
). But this much I know: we do not need children to be perfectly content.
