*Welcome to week ten of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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The world comes crashing in every morning.

Emails sent throughout the night come streaming in at the simple touch of a button.

Kids running around needing to get packed for school, lunches made, rides and activities arranged.

That suit you fit in a month ago is now a little too snug around the waste and hips and so the search begins to find something in the closet that will be more forgiving than the pants that only button on deep inhales.

From the top of the morning, we can quickly begin to feel as though everything around us is spinning and there is no way to slow it down.  Suffocated by our own pursuit of success at home, at work, even both.

There is a way for you to hop off that hamster wheel.  Today.  In this very moment.  Why is that so important?  Because you don’t want to look at your life in the rear view mirror wondering how you missed so much.

Enjoying life means you have to be present in this moment.

Increasing the happiness in your marriage, and your overall life, doesn’t come from doing monumental things once a month.  It happens when you make the choice to do the little things that matter most each and every day.  

It occurs only when we make marriage a priority in the midst of a crazy, busy, constantly shifting world.

Marriage is one of the easiest things to allow to coast on cruise control before realizing it’s been headed in the wrong direction.  Back up, turn it around, and get intentional about where you’re going and the destination you’d like to arrive.

Your marriage is meant to be your still point in a turning world.  Allow it to be that.  Make that one of your greatest priorities.  This won’t give you all the answers but it is most certainly a place to start.

5 Simple Ways to Prioritize Your Marriage

1. Picture the future.  Imagine yourself vibrant and full of life at 65 years old.  What do you see?  What would you like to be doing?  Long after you’ve left your current company or they’ve downsized, what pieces of your life are most important?  When your children have moved out and begun a family of their own, what will be left in your home?  If your picture of the future, like mine, involves kicking back with a cool glass of lemonade and laughing with your spouse, now is the time to begin creating that future.  What you are building today will be the home you live in 20, 30, 60 years from now.

2. Invest time in a like-minded friend.  Some call them accountability partners.  Others simply call them good company.  Whatever you call them, find at least one friend who has the same desire in their life as you do so you can work toward those healthy goals together.  When you begin drifting from the plan you set in place to create a happy and loving marriage – that will continue well into your retirement years- your friend will help bring you back to shore.  With so much going on around us we can easily lose focus.  So keep a friend close by who is positive and sees life as you do and will encourage you to live your life in line with your stated prioritizes.

3. Determine what prioritizing your marriage looks like to your spouse.  Say something like this to your spouse: “I want to make you and our marriage a priority every day of my life.  What does that look like to you?”  Asking that question may yield some interesting results.  What you think signifies making your spouse a priority could turn out to be completely different than how they see it.  Questions like this can be humbling because oftentimes you discover you know less about what your spouse wants than you thought.  But these humbling experiences are also incredibly rewarding.  Remember, you and your spouse are constantly changing and evolving so questions like this keep you up to date on how they feel at this time of their life.

4. Make time to create a daily ritual.  I know I’ve been talking about this all year but how could I not?  After interviewing so many couples happily married for more than a quarter of a century, and learning they all have this in common, I’d be crazy not to mention it as often as possible.  There are 1,440 minutes in each day and using 40 minutes of that for a daily ritual will be one of the greatest uses of your time all day.

5. Calendar your dates like a million-dollar meeting.  “Sorry, we can’t join you for that as we already have something on our calendar,” is something we find ourselves saying often.  And it is 100-percent true.  There is something on our calendar: Us time.  I learned this last year from a couple I interviewed in Australia.  For decades, they’ve had “Date Night” on their calendar every Wednesday.  When they get requests to go somewhere or do something else at that time, they immediately respond with, “We can’t.  We’re booked.”  If you had a million-dollar business idea and had a meeting scheduled with an investor who could make it happen, would you ever think to cancel it?  That’s how you should treat this time with your spouse.  Once it’s on the calendar, nothing short of an emergency of catastrophic proportions should cause you to cancel it.

YOUR TURN: What other simple things have you found help you prioritize your marriage in the midst of a busy schedule?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week nine of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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If there is such a thing as eight words that can change your marriage -or at least how you communicate- they are quite possibly the ones contained in this powerful yet humbling phrase:

“[Insert pet name for your spouse], I think you should consider praying about that.”  

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across an old interview in which Oprah asked Iyanla Vanzant, “What is your personal prayer?”  In response, Iyanla gave three prayers she said will cover any situation, “Help!” “Help me now!” and “thank you.”

Thinking about that question for a moment, I don’t know that I would have been able to answer it because I have SO many prayers – daily, all day.  

“Thank you,” is certainly the one I use most often.  But when it comes to my marriage, if Keith and I aren’t seeing eye to eye and he uses that indisputable eight word suggestion, my go to prayer is very simple:

“Am I wrong here?  How do I quickly make it right?”

The simple suggestion of having your spouse pray about a disagreeable point rather than allowing it to escalate has the ability to preemptively end an argument before it has the opportunity to begin.  

Debating an issue is fine, even good in many cases…until it goes downhill.  And anyone married for longer than two weeks can probably attest to its ability to go downhill very quickly if there aren’t some safeguards in place. 

If I don’t agree with something Keith says or vice versa, but it’s important enough to one of us to continue the conversation instead of agreeing to disagree, rather than belaboring our own viewpoint, we usually send each other to pray about it.

Years ago, when my little sister got married, Keith and I created a journal for she and her husband to accompany their wedding gift.  In it, we shared all the best tips we’d discovered over the years that helped us cultivate an unwavering love and peace in our marriage.  When sharing this particular tip, Keith wrote:

“Truth be told, I stole this little suggestion from Fawn and adopted it as my own.  In the early stages of our relationship we were having a discussion where I was so confident about the accuracy of my perceptions that I was unyielding.  On this particular occasion I was winning the debate or so I thought…. 

“Enter the conversation show-stopper and a great argument preventer….  Fawn calmly said, “you should go pray about that…”   What do you do with that one?  A neutral third-party that happens to be God?  Suffice it to say, Fawn won that one! 

“It’s a very powerful tool that shouldn’t be misused.  After all, what goes around comes around.  Having said that, if you know that your spouse is wrong (or you think your spouse is wrong), directing them to prayer can only help matters.  It certainly makes it difficult to get upset, as it is so factual and indisputable. 

“Typically, when I invoke the prayer card, I talk to the Lord as well.  Your goal should always be how you can attain a mutual understanding.  If you can’t do this by yourselves, there is no better way to reconcile the issue than with God.”

Will these eight words all of a sudden make you the world’s best communicator?  Probably not.  But it will invite an unbiased, nonpartisan person into the conversation who loves you both and will only tell you the truth – even when you are the one that’s wrong.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day! 

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week eight of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club. Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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“Happily married people know that keeping score is what unhappily married people do.”  –Alisa Bowman 

“Oh, I never keep score,” I would have proudly proclaimed had you asked me a few years back.  

For the most part, that was absolutely true.  But as I examined my heart a few years ago, I realized, there are actually three ways of keeping score and I was guilty of at least one. 

The first way of keeping score is to keep track of what your spouse does wrong; focusing on the error of their ways. 

The second way of keeping score is to keep track of everything you do right; subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) expecting a reciprocation of sorts. 

That is the one I did most often and didn’t realize it until we were years into our marriage.  I wasn’t keeping track of when Keith did something wrong but I was keeping track of every time I did something right.

When I’d take out the trash instead of waiting for Keith to do it – count that as one point for me.  When I cleaned up the house or did laundry, especially when my work days were as jam packed as his, I’d look for a pat on the back.  

“Gold star for Fawn!” was the big joke in the house every time I did something for him or us outside of my normal routine.  It took me a few years, but I finally realized keeping a scoreless marriage wasn’t just about not keeping “score” of what Keith did wrong, but also of what I did right.

The third way of keeping score, and quite possibly the one that trips most women up, is a tendency to keep score against other marriages.  John bought Sally a new car for her birthday, always mows the lawn, cooks and helps in the kitchen.  Score one for the Johnsons!  David always opens the car door for Anne, puts his arm around her whenever they’re sitting down, and strokes her hand whenever he has a chance.  Score one for the Bates!  Look at the amazing vacation Adam and Tracy took.  Those pictures on Facebook are stunning.  Score one for the Andersons!

Whether we realize it or not, if we aren’t careful, this third way of keeping score can creep into any marriage.  Earlier in this series, I wrote a post on the danger of comparisons, and the responses were quite telling.  It was clearly one of the most common ways of keeping score.

All three of these ways of keeping score creates winners and losers and any one of them could be hurting your marriage.

So this week’s tip to creating a happier marriage is rather simple: strive daily to never keep score.  Rather than keeping score when your spouse does something wrong, apply grace.  Instead of keeping score when you do something right, remind yourself that giving is a blessing in itself, and when done unselfishly, has the same reaction as a boomerang – coming right back around to you. 

And the next time you think about keeping score against another marriage, remind yourself that every day, you have the ability to create the marriage of your dreams.  And your dream marriage should not replicate any other.  That would be quite boring –and unoriginal- don’t you think?

YOUR TURN: Have you ever kept score in your marriage?  What did you do to change that pattern?

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

I don’t know about you but searching on the web for great summer date ideas didn’t provide me with much inspiration.

The same ole ones kept coming up over and over again: Picnics, outdoor concerts, drive-in movies, stargazing…  But I was looking for some truly unique ideas.  At least a few we’ve not done already. 

And so began my quest to uncover the top 20 summer date nights on the web (and to come up with a few on my own).  

I think you’ll agree these date ideas are pretty different (and tons of fun).  So grab your honey and turn up the excitement on your summer.

Top 20 Summer Date Ideas on the Web

1. Watch a Meteor Shower  Drive up to the mountains, lay in the bed of a truck (or on the hood of your car) and watch a meteor shower.  Talk about romantic.  There are 8 meteor showers expected this year and the next one is in just a couple months.  

So this summer, head out past the city lights on August 12th to catch something that can rival the best of fireworks: the Perseid Meteor Shower.  Grab some blankets, pillows, wine and dessert and have a romantic night among the stars.

2. Set Up Your Own Lemonade Stand  On the hottest day of the year, head to the curb and channel your second grade selves by setting up a lemonade stand for the sweltering bystanders. Be sure to make the lemonade free, or use proceeds to raise money for a good cause. 

3. Make Love Under the Full Moon  Now, if you have neighbors who can see into your backyard or if you’re in an apartment, it may be best to just open the window in your bedroom.  But for those lucky enough to have a private backyard, pull the comforter off your bed, grab a bottle of wine and two glasses, and take your date outside.  You have just a few more times to catch a full moon before the year ends and two of those dates are this summer.

4. Take a Mystery Trip  Download a map of your state (or even if you live in a big state), each close your eyes and point your finger randomly on the map.  Decide whose location looks more intriguing and plan a trip or weekend getaway there.

5. World Cup Date  You only have between now and Sunday, July 13^th to enjoy this gnarly and unique summertime date so make sure to schedule it soon!  Whether or not you’re a soccer fan, this can still be a blast.  Decide what country you want to root for and go all out.  Paint your face (or your belly if you dare) the color of the country’s flag , wear shirts or hats representing your chosen team, and serve food and drinks from that country (if you’re rooting for Argentina, for instance, you’d paint yourself light blue and white and serve something like homemade empanadas).  This date takes a little planning so look at the FIFA World Cup schedule and decide which match works best for your date.  If it’s happening in the middle of your work day, even better!  This date idea gives you the perfect excuse to take the day off.  

6. Play Tourists  Pretend you’re tourists for the day (fanny packs optional): Make up a story about your lives-maybe you are long-lost lovers reunited for one day only-and go sightseeing around your city.  Take pictures of each other and get lost in the city, stop inside places you often pass but never go into, and grab snacks to go.  Afterward, you can say, “Well, we’ll always have Paris.”  Or Boston or Raleigh or Phoenix or Minneapolis…you get the gist.

7. Go Berry Picking  Everyone loves fresh fruit, and there’s no better way to get it than straight from the source. Berries are a summer fruit, and chances are you have a farm within driving distance that will allow you to pick berries and pay for them by the pound. Grab a basket, and then head home and see what you can do with them. Maybe bake a homemade pie or cobbler, or simply enjoy them on their own. Frozen berries make for great “ice cubes” in wine, champagne and cocktails.

8. Scavenger Hunt at the Zoo  “Don’t just go on a date – go on an adventure. Couples who solve clues together stay together.”  This date was inspired by How About We’s list of most popular dates in New York.  But don’t think this date can’t be done outside of the Bronx Zoo.  Anywhere else with grass, trees (and preferably rare animals) will do the trick.  Don’t have a zoo nearby, try an aquarium.  You might be surprised to find there is one near you no matter where you live in the world.

9. A Moment in Time  Seal your time together by constructing and burying a time capsule. Gather memorabilia that symbolizes your love for one another. A wedding invitation, saved wine cork, concert/plane ticket, copy of children’s birth records, meaningful photos, love letters and anything else that is unique to the story of your love.  Do one of the other date ideas here and take pictures to remind you of this summer.  Be sure to include a note to the capsule’s future retrievers.

10. Sunrise, Sunset  This date will get your spouse excited first thing in the morning and ensure you end the day that exact same way.  Pre-pack a bag with your morning coffee or tea, bagels (or whatever you and your spouse enjoy for breakfast) and have it ready to go.  Set the alarm before sunrise but don’t let your spouse know what you’re doing.  Then when the alarm goes off, help him get dressed (sleep still in the eyes and all), grab his hand and the pre-packed bag and head to your nearest park.  Watch the sunrise together while enjoying your coffee and pastries.  Then do it again…this time that night…and fill the thermos with hot cocoa or red wine this time around.

11. Take Me Out to the Ballgame  Hot dogs + minor league baseball, where teams play for the love of the game, not a bajillion dollars = the perfect all-American evening. Check out the Major League schedule or the minor league schedule here to find a team near you.

12. Service For Two  Sometimes when things aren’t going the way we want them to in life, we get SO involved with worrying about ourselves that we forget the very thing that we can do to help us feel better: serve others!  If you want to feel closer to your spouse, do something for others with your spouse.  Sounds a little crazy, but IT WORKS.  Even small acts of kindness performed side by side with our spouse can bring us closer together and help our marriage be more fulfilling.  Don’t believe it?  Seriously.  Try it.

13. Drift Away  Rent or borrow a couple of kayaks, a rowboat or a sailboat—whatever makes the most sense considering your experience and ability—and spend the afternoon or early evening exploring local waterways.  Moving slowly through the water in a wind- or human-powered craft will reduce your stress level, give you and your date a chance to talk, and increase your chances of spotting some wildlife.

14. Hot Wheels  Summer is the ideal season to get active. And a great way to combine exercise with dating is to grab a couple of bicycles and go for a leisurely ride along one of the cycle paths one finds by rivers or through one of the larger parks. Cycling dates allow both of you to see the most of nature and the picturesque scenery whilst enjoying each other’s company.  And if exercise isn’t for you, grab a tandem and take it slowly.

15. Visit a Food Festival  Sometimes you have a hankerin’ for something in particular, but other times you just want to try all of the foods. Well, that’s what food festivals were tailor-made for. Bring your lady friend and spend an afternoon hopping from booth to booth, sampling what your local vendors have to offer. Sometimes they’re broken up by cuisines/regional styles, and other times there’s an overall theme (like barbecue or Southern food). Either way, you’ll have a great time together tasting new things and comparing notes.

16. Backyard Camping  A tent + blankets and pillows + a flashlight + an empty house = A fun, romantic backyard camp out. S’mores optional!

17. I-Spy a Fun Summertime Date  A hot sexy man, his cute little wife, the family car, a few activities, some treats and an amazing view from afar!  Are these some of the things you all “spy” on a daily basis?  Me too!!  Have you ever wanted to be a detective? Go around spying on people and things?  Print out this I-Spy invitation for your spouse from The Dating Divas or use it as inspiration to design your own.  Load the car with an I-Spy book, a magnifying glass, an I-Spy bag or jar, blankets, snacks and the list of things you will “spy” on your date.

18. Get Up, Get Out, Get Fit  There is no better time to get fit than the summer.  And no better person to get in shape with than your spouse.  Here are five great ways to get fit together this summer (while having loads of fun).

19. Channel Your Inner Child  Do some of your favorite summer activities from when you were kids.  Hit balls at a batting cage, race go-carts, challenge him to a round of mini golf, and, if you live near a boardwalk, play a few games and try to win a stuffed animal. 

20. Adult Game Night  An adult-only game night + a bit of sexy wagering = competition (that doubles as foreplay). Actress Victoria Rowell, author of Tag, Toss, and Run says, “Game nights are my absolute favorite way to have a date with my husband—and it’s even better in the summer when you can take things outside. We string some Christmas lights and laugh our heads off.”

YOUR TURN: Do you have a creative summer or outdoor date idea that’s not on our list?  Please add it below!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week seven of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

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Each week, when I come to the pages of the Happy Wives Club, I do so with the hope that someone will be inspired.  And not just anyone.  You.   Beautiful, wonderful you.

The posts are always written for wives because that is who this site was created to serve.  That is who has always frequented these pages.  That is, until as of late. 

Since the beginning of this year, I’ve seen a sharp rise in the number of husbands visiting the site.  Most come in hopes of learning how to make their own wives happy. 

Of course, I’d never attempt to give advice on how to make one person’s spouse happy as each marriage is as different as a fingerprint. 

I do, however, share what I’ve discovered to be the most common trait among happily married couples I’ve interviewed over the years.  

And seven installments into our 12 Weeks to a Happier Marriage series, it seemed like the perfect time to share it here.  Two simple words:

Mutual respect.

Whenever I share this, there is always a sigh of relief.  “I can do that!”  And then as they continue to reflect on those two seemingly simple words, they usually come back with a follow-up, “So what does respect look like and how do I do that better?”

Years ago, not long after I began this club, a local newspaper publishing a story on me sent their photographer to my home.  During our time together, he shared that he and his wife had just been in an argument over dinner the night before.

His wife had taken the time to cook a wonderful meal.  But when she was ready to serve it, he continued working on some photos he’d begun editing. She became frustrated. He responded in a like manner, and as is usually the case in these scenarios, an argument ensued.

I posed one simple question to this newly married photographer. I’d heard another counselor ask it of a feuding couple: “Think of someone you hold in high esteem. The president. The chancellor of your university. Your pastor.  Your rabbi. Think of that person you have enormous respect for and tell me how you would have responded if he or she called for you and said, ‘The meal I was preparing for dinner is now ready’?”

The photographer thought about it for a brief moment, gave a smile that let me know he ‘got it,’ and then conceded he would have gone to the dinner table immediately.

I reminded him that his wife was the only person he chose and subsequently pledged to be with for the remainder of his life. He wasn’t given an option in choosing his parents or siblings. He didn’t have the deciding vote in who would be his country’s president. He certainly had no say in selecting his university’s chancellor. But he held each of them in higher regard than he held his wife—the one person he not only had the pleasure of choosing, but who also honored him by reciprocating that choice.

Respect is not said.  Respect is shown.  It is seen in our day-to-day actions and the happiest couples have this down pat.  If you ever want to see respect in full bloom, just spend time around a couple who has been happily married for decades.  They joke with each other, tease one another over their flaws and quirks.  But through the jokes and teasing, the respect is always palpable. 

It is always there, in the midst of every word and every action.

To answer the second part of the question I generally get from husbands -how they can respect their wives better- I generally offer these suggestions (which are relevant to both spouses):

5 Ways to Show the Most Common Trait of a Happy Marriage:

1. Treat your spouse like they are the most important person in the world.  Because they are.  No one else has pledged their life to you.  No other person has committed to be with you through the ups and the downs, the good times and the bad, through wealth and poverty.  No person experiences your rawest emotions and greatest flaws more often than your spouse.  That alone has earned them a place above all other beings on earth.

2. Think about what respect looks like to you and replicate that.  Yes, what your spouse needs from you to feel love may be different than what you need from them (that’s why Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages is so brilliant).  But respect is respect.  Ask yourself, “How can my spouse show they respect me more?”  And then do everything that comes to mind in response to that question.  The golden rule of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you applies to respect just as it does all else.

3. Do not allow a mistake to negate what has already been earned.  Respect, as most often defined, is “a positive feeling of esteem or deference for a person or other entity, and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem.”  We all make mistakes.  Every day.  Not one of us is perfect.  Not even you.  There is never a good reason to disrespect your spouse.  Yes, address the issue.  Deal with the mistake.  Don’ sweep it under the rug.  But when addressing it, try to always do so with the utmost respect.

4. Speak through a filter.  If you’ve visited this site for a couple years, you likely know my two favorite acronyms are AEOD. (Accept Each Other’s Differences) and NJLG: No Judgment.  Love.  Grace.  When speaking with your spouse, applying this filter to your mouth can go a long way.  If the words travel through a filter of NJLG –meaning, if you ask yourself, “Are these words seasoned with grace?  Are they without judgment and are they sprinkled with love?” it will be hard for you to ever say something to your spouse lacking respect. 

5. Remember that respect has no gender.  Women, men, husbands, wives – the key to this common trait among happy marriages is the word that goes in front of respect: Mutual.   In the happiest of marriages, respect and reverence swings both ways.  Your spouse gave up their most prized possession –their life- and placed it in the palm of your hands the day they said, “Til’ death do us part.”  There are few phrases more powerful than that, and the person who said them to you and meant it, deserves your honor and respect.

YOUR TURN: What would you add to this list?  In what ways can a husband or wife show greater respect to their spouse?

Until next time…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Living Your Eulogy certainly sounds like an odd title for an article on the Happy Wives Club.  But this morning, as I sit in an oversized chair in my hotel room in Rancho Palos Verdes, California, this weighs heavily on my mind.

I am here for an executive board retreat.  And although I sit on a couple nonprofit exec boards, this weekend, I am here as the spouse.  

My husband, who would most certainly prefer to be sitting next to me while I write this overlooking the glistening ocean, is in a nondescript board room somewhere on the hotel grounds.

As I walked to grab a cup of tea at the front of the hotel this morning, I saw his group having breakfast on a terrace nearby.  

Keith loves red eyes (coffee with a shot of espresso), so while ordering my tea, I decided to order him one.  I then sent a text, “I got you a red eye and will stealthily drop it off.  I love u!”  

On the way back to my room, I went to the area where I’d seen them earlier and asked a young worker, “Please take this coffee to the tall black guy in the room – he’s 6’4″.”  

Twenty minutes later, upon seeing the text, I received one back, “Oh, they gave it to Dutch – wrong black guy.”  Moments later, “I’m drinking it now – I love you,” was his response.

When all our friends and family gather to say farewell to me for the last time, it’s memories and exchanges like this I want to be remembered.  That I thought of my husband often and tried to surprise him with little things he loves.  That I was a wife who loved her man with an endearing love, an unwavering love, a fully trusting love.

This is what I want to be included in my eulogy.

There will be no mention of my business achievements.  There will be no mention of my ability to multi-task and get through my overutilized email inbox by the end of each weekend.

Who cares about that?

Earlier this year, when releasing my book, Happy Wives Club, I set an audacious goal: to debut at the top of the New York Times Best Sellers list.  When it debuted at #3, behind Lone Survivor and The Wolf of Wall Street -both books based on hugely popular movies at the time and nominated for Academy Awards- I considered that a failure.

When the vice president of marketing for my publishing company called to tell me the “great news,” he was met by an awkward silence.  I was disappointed.  I’d set a goal and didn’t achieve it.  For months, I didn’t celebrate that amazing milestone but rather remained focus on how to do get it to the top of the chart.  The type-A in me wouldn’t let that goal go unmet.

But why not?

When the inscription is placed on my tombstone, there will be no mention of bestselling books.  My ability to keep the house clean, while juggling the writing of my next book, inking new business deals and building brand partnerships, will be nowhere to be found.

Because none of that really matters.

What will be on my tombstone, God-willing, is: Fawn Weaver -loving wife, nurturing mother, faithful sister and daughter, friend to the needy.”  That’s it.  That is what I hope to leave behind. 

So where do the emails, business deals, bestselling books, and everything else that has taken up the bulk of this year fall?  Nowhere.  There is no place for it on my tombstone.  There will be no mention of it in my eulogy.

In 1888, the brother of Dr. Alfred Nobel died.  In error, several newspapers printed his obituary.  When he opened one of the french papers and read the headline, “Le marchand de la mort est mort,” which is translated, “The Merchant of Death is Dead,” he was horrified.  The obituary went on to say, “Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday.”

It is reported that Alfred was so disappointed by what he read that when he passed away, his last will and testament -signed after his ill-timed obituary was printed- gave 94-percent of his wealth (in today’s time, around $500 million) to establish what we now know as the Nobel Peace Prize.  In getting a glimpse of what was destined to be his obituary, he decided to spend his final years rewriting it.

Dr. Alfred realized money, power and wealth are not what people remember.  It is everything -minus those things- that will account for your life: generosity of heart, love of family, care for people, graciousness and the like.  

Many of us take pride in our busyness.  But what are we busy doing?  If it is not adding to what we will leave behind, rest assured, it is subtracting from it.

So what are you currently giving priority to that will not matter once you’re gone?  I challenge you to begin, in this moment, living the life you want to be remembered for when you’re gone.  To give your absolute all to your spouse, family and friends.  

That email can wait.

Those dirty dishes will still be there in 4 hours.

Take a moment to have a glass of wine with the ones you love, toast to the breath of life, and commit to begin tomorrow different than you began today: prioritizing your life based on what you desire to be said once it comes to an end.  Because, ready or not, it will assuredly come to an end.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Earlier this week, I came across an awesome marriage activity on a site I visit often and thought, “Our members would LOVE this!”

I immediately posted a note and asked the author, Lori Byerly, if she’d also share it with you.  I’m so happy she said yes!  I hope you enjoy this creative idea as much as I did.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

——————-

How would your husband answer this question?

Who is the most courageous person you have ever met?

Or this question?

What gift would you bring to your spouse in the hospital?

How would you answer it?

One important part of growing your marriage involves communicating often – big things, little things, silly things and important things too. It all adds up to knowing your spouse better and the knowing builds a sense of intimacy; a feeling of oneness.

So, in the interest of encouraging couples to build intimacy, I created a free download.

A Year of Questions for You and Your Spouse

There are 366 questions (an extra one for leap year).  Print out the .pdf (click on the link for it to open in your browser or “right click” on the link and save to your computer), cut the questions into strips, put them in a container (I used an almond jar from Costco) and each day pull out a question to share with your sweetie.

Have fun with it.  And it’s OK to change the question, add a question, create your own rules, and so on.  This is a fun way of exploring each other.  And while answering your questions, don’t forget to speak the truth in love and listen well.

Blessings, Lori <><

##

Lori Byerly is the author of The Generous Wife  blog and co-founder of The Marriage Bed website. She lives with her husband of 28 years in the beautiful Northwest (USA). 

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

For some, this will come as no surprise.  But for many, learning the happiness I enjoy in my life today was nowhere to be found throughout most of my childhood and teenage years, will catch them off guard.

It’s a story I don’t talk about often.  Not because I’m ashamed of my past or running from it.  Quite the contrary.  It rarely comes up in conversation because my current life bares no resemblance of my past.  

The wounds have long healed and the scars are so faded they are barely seen.

My wonderful circle of girlfriends (most of whom are proud card-carrying members of this Club) joined me on this journey of life 10 to 20 years ago.  So after I published my first book, and gave each of them a copy, they were floored.

Nestled around the center of the book, no more than a couple paragraphs long, they learned something about me they didn’t know.  

“When I reached that part of your book,” a host for Good Day Atlanta told me during a recent interview, “I had to go back and read certain parts all over again with fresh eyes.”

“All that time, I was reading it thinking you grew up happy-go-lucky and just continued that into your marriage.  And that couldn’t be further from the truth.”  

My closest girlfriends all began calling and texting me one by one, as they reached that part of the book, “Wow, I can’t believe you shared all that.”  Transparent was the word they used most.  The odd thing is, initially, I didn’t know what they were referencing.  I try to live my life as an open book so I assumed everyone close to me already knew.  But I quickly realized, only a few did.

Here’s the cliff notes version for those of you who don’t already know: rough teenage years, incredibly low self-esteem, attempted suicide twice, left home at the age of 15, dropped out of high school, and the list continues from there.  But that life -20 years ago- seems so far away because I decided 17 years ago that I would start anew.  I would build the life I desired, the one I believe I was placed here to live, and that’s exactly what I’ve done.

My husband, Keith, had an upbringing that was certainly no dream either; a nightmare really.  I won’t share much of his story as that’s not mine to tell.  But I will say this, his teenage years were spent planning an escape for he and his mother from his abusive father.  And once he finally succeeded in executing his plan (it took a few attempts), his childhood ended very quickly.  He became the man of the house while still in his teens.

When we came together as one, we were -and are- just two people on a journey, determined not to allow our past to write the future chapters of our lives.  A new chapter had begun.  And this one, we could write beautifully from the beginning.

For many, holding on to the past provides a safety net.  I was listening to an interview the other day of an unmarried celebrity who had been dating the same woman for close to 16 years and wouldn’t commit.  ”If you knew my upbringing…” he began to tell the host.  To which she replied, “Yes, but at what point do you stop allowing your past to dictate your future?”

I’m happy she posed that question.  The answer is now.  In this moment.  It’s not easy.  It takes faith (so much faith).  At times, it requires some gut-wrenching soul searching.  But it’s worth it.  The freedom is worth it.

The marriage of your dreams is in the now.  It is a daily effort to create and maintain a marriage so beautiful even the romance movies pale in comparison.

It takes consistent effort; building your dream brick-by-brick.  But when you stop allowing your past to interrupt your present, something magical happens.  That magic is a happy and complete you.  And a loving and whole him.

I’m not sure who I’m writing this for today.  It’s not necessarily a “happy” post.  But I’m hitting the “publish” button in hopes that it will inspire at least one person to -once and for all- leave their past behind and spend every future day building the greatest marriage they’ve ever witnessed.  If that person is you…I’m grateful you stopped by today.  If for no other reason, than to be reassured that a love like this still does exist…no matter how your life began.

YOUR TURN: If your life didn’t begin as a dream, but you’ve been building the marriage of your dreams, please share it here so others can be inspired by you.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

I sat out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign
pointed straight to you

Those words piped into my earphones while on my morning walk earlier today.  

As the Rascal Flatts lead singer belted those lyrics, I thought about the broken road that made me the woman I am today.  That same broken road that led me to Keith and Keith to me.

Every long lost dream
led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way
into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

On May 9, 2003, that broken road illuminated and the man standing at the end was (and is) the kindest, most loving, gentle, respectful and humble man I’ve ever known.  

Wise beyond his years with an ability to love me with complete abandon.  As if he’d never experienced hurt before, he fell so deeply in love with me that many questioned if it happened too quickly.

He never questioned it though.

Less than 4 months after falling in love, as the sky dimmed on that beautiful Spring evening, he proposed.  And before year’s end, we became husband and wife.

This journey, my marriage, has shaped me more than any other earthly relationship.  It has strengthened me, challenged me, stretched me and made me grow in ways I never imagined.

His unending love has allowed me to feel safe.  His unwavering respect and honor for me, has allowed me to go after my wildest dreams.  His friendship is a daily reminder that I was never meant to walk this road of life alone.

Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Every day, when I come to the pages of the Happy Wives Club with the hope of inspiring and encouraging you, I often forget my husband also reads this site and sometimes -although not often as he’d get embarrassed- it’s just good to fill this page with an ode to him.

After all, beside every happy wife is a proud and loving husband.  And for me, Keith Weaver is that man.  And his love is the reason the Happy Wives Club exists.  So to Keith:  Muchas gracias.  Te amo mi amor.

YOUR TURN: Do you remember where you were the moment you fell in love with your husband?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

*Welcome to week three of this 12-week series based on the New York Times® bestselling book, Happy Wives Club.  Join me each week as I share 12 principles about marriage I’ve learned from some of the happiest couples around the world.*

_____________________________

“Marriages are like fingerprints.  Each one is different and each one is beautiful.”                                  -Maggie Reyes, ModernMarried.com

When you set out on a journey around the world to find the common denominator among happy and long-lasting couples, as I did, you expect to see incredibly different approaches to marriage.

Although what makes their marriages successful are similar in principle, everything else is very different.

For you, it’s probably easy not to compare your marriage to couples across the Atlantic ocean.  But have you ever found yourself comparing your marriage to that of those around you (in your neighborhood, at church, at work, in your circle of friends, etc.)?  

Comparing your relationship to anyone else’s -I’ve learned through all my interviews, spending time with happy couples, and in my own life- is detrimental to the happiness of your marriage.

This past weekend, my husband and I enjoyed a wonderful evening with friends who have been married for nearly 40 years.  

You only need to be in Miriam and Efi’s presence for three minutes before it becomes abundantly clear just how much fun they have together.  They don’t just love one another; they like each other.  A lot.  

According to their grown children, they’ve been this same way for as long as any of them can remember.

Keith and I do this a lot, by the way.  We love spending time around couples who genuinely enjoy being in each other’s presence.  

Some study marriage in school and through textbooks.  I’ve done it, for the past 11 years, through immersion.  I’ve learned most about creating and maintaining genuine happiness in marriage by being around couples who have successfully done that for decades.  And you know what they all have in common?  They all march to the beat of their own drums.

Even still, no matter how wonderful a couple’s marriage is that we are around, we never compare our relationship to theirs.  Like every other area of life, when you compare what you have to someone else, you always lose.

If you have a great marriage, and compare yours to those that seem less successful, you run the risk of setting your relationship up for a downfall.  Have you ever noticed that so many who esteem themselves (or their stuff) higher than others often lose what they cherish most?

On the flip side, if your marriage seems less “fantastic” than those around you, don’t sweat it.  You have everything you need to create the marriage of your dreams and you have the rest of your life to make it happen.  It will happen, as long as you stay focused on your marriage and your marriage alone.

Yes, Keith and I learn from others.  We even emulate things we’ve seen other couples do successfully.  That is healthy.   Really, that is wisdom.  But enriching our marriage with things we’ve learned from others is far as we go.  Comparisons -in every area of life- always prove to be far more costly than they’re worth.

After spending years “immersed” in loving and happy marriages, this I can say without exception: the happiest and longest-lasting marriages are those who decided years ago to chart their own marital course.

YOUR TURN: Are you ever tempted to compare your marriage to that of another?  When that happens, what do you do to mute that voice in your head?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Do you ever wish you had more time for your husband?  Family?  When I wrote about this popular marriage secret, did you think to yourself, “Yeah right!  With what time?”

Years ago, I found myself short on time each and every day.  Keith and I were both working 10-12 hour days and would crash on the couch and veg out in front of the television until bedtime.

Then something magical happened.  We moved to a new place, and decided, for the first few months we wouldn’t call the cable company.  We drew the curtains on what had become the greatest suck of our free time.

Those first few months were eye-opening.  All of a sudden, we had more time to take walks together, exercise together, enjoy coffee and talk in the mornings without the sound of news anchors in the background.  

What we thought would be just a few months ended up leading to two years without TV (well, our TV stayed on the wall but we didn’t connect the cable).

If you wish you had more time for regular date nights or to simply spend more time together daily, there are two things you can likely do immediately to create more free time.  

The first is limiting the amount of time you spend on the computer or your handheld devices. Seriously.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much time I got back by limiting myself to 15-30 minutes a day on Facebook.  Looking at all my friends and family’s photos and status updates was great…except once I realized how much time I spent on it. Ditto the time I lose when I go off on online rabbit trails.

Do you do that too?  I’ll go to an online news article and then see another interesting article on the right-hand side.  So I’ll click that story, which will lead to another story, and so on and so on (this just happened to me 5 minutes ago, by the way).  If you’re like me, and can get sucked into this online world quickly, putting yourself on a clock (literally, a timer you can set on your smart phone or any other way you’d like that allows you to limit yourself to 15-30 minutes).  

The second thing you can do is go on a (minimum of) 21-day television fast.  The reason for that length of time is research has shown it takes 21 days of doing something with consistency to create a new habit.  Even if you decide to return to watching TV after your fast, chances are you will spend far less time in front of the tube.  Why?  Because now you are consciously aware of how much time you are losing by sitting in front of the TV and have discovered far more productive things you can do with that time.

There are 5 reasons a television fast is good for your marriage:

1. You have more time for each other. Even if you usually only watch 1-2 shows each day, that is now 30 min-2 hours you’ve freed up for each other.  You’ve created a window of opportunity for a daily ritual, date night or whatever else floats your boat.

2. You’ll have more energy.  There is something about crashing on the couch and vegging in front of the TV that is a real energy suck.  Not sure why.  But if you think about it, has watching TV ever given you energy?  But engaging in things you love, things that breathe life into yours -hobbies, dreaming together, etcetera- will naturally give you more energy.

3. You’ll be better rested.  For so many, the simple act of not watching TV prior to bedtime will provide the most restful sleep you’ve ever had.  About 8 years ago, I participated in a sleep study because I couldn’t seem to sleep through the night.  I would toss and turn and wake up often.  One of the top suggestions they gave me was to turn off the TV (and all electronic devices) no less than 30 minutes prior to bedtime.  Not watching TV at night will allow your body to shut down when it’s ready and you won’t have crazy dreams starring people you just saw on your tube.

4. More time for foreplay.  Hmmm…does this one really need further explanation?

5. Reduce stress, ward off anxiety, improve your mood.  Okay, so maybe these things don’t come just from you turning off the TV.  But they are things that happen naturally when endorphins are released into your body.  And the two most popular endorphin boosters are: sex and exercise (or sexercise if you want to combine the two).  Once you turn off the TV, you’ll create more time to do both of these things.  Exercise isn’t just for looking good, it’s good for your overall health, life- and even your marriage.

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.