The irony of it all.  I travel to a country in the middle of the Indian Ocean, with a 60% population of Indians and 2% Chinese.  I sent out a few emails to HWC members in Mauritius the night I arrived inviting anyone available to meet me at Wolmar beach the next day.  I received just a couple responses; something I was grateful for considering the short notice.

See Yin and Jocelyne came out to meet me.  They are both lovely Chinese women, immigrants from China whose parents fled (or were killed) during the Chinese Cultural Revolution.  When they were sharing their story, I asked if they’d read a popular book called The Joy Luck Club.  

For hours, we chatted about everything from culture to race to religion, before getting to what we all came to talk about: marriage.  “She has a perfect marriage,” See Yin said about Jocelyne.  “They don’t have any problems in their marriage.”  Jocelyne just shrugged her shoulders, clearly trying not to agree as she is certainly not a boastful type of person.  

Jocelyne and her husband have been married 34 years.  Nine years ago they did a renewal of vows ceremony for their silver anniversary.  Judging by the smile on her face when she tells me about that great day, she still thinks quite fondly of marriage, and hers in particular. 

“What do you think is the secret to a happy marriage,” I asked.  “When the other is upset,” she says followed by a motion that looks like she’s zipping her lips, “just shhhh.”  Is that what she and her husband do, I ask.  “Yes.  We listen.  When one person is upset or hurt, the other person listens.  The other person expresses how they feel without blaming and the other tries to understand.”

So what happens when they’re both upset, I ask.  “Oh, he lets me win,” she says with a big grin.  Really?  No, not always.  They both allow each other to win.  They understand, as See Yin said earlier in the evening, “There is no such thing in a marriage as win or lose.  There is either win-win or lose-lose.  If one wins, the other wins.  If one loses, both lose.”  

I love talking to these ladies!  And I can’t wait to share with you something fascinating See Yin shared with me regarding a communication method she began using some time ago.  The method is written in French so I have to do a bit more research to share it with you on Monday, but I’m excited to tell you all about it.

Question: When your husband is upset about something, do you truly listen or do you begin thinking about where he is to blame and simply wait for your turn?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Following my interviews in Cape Town, I took a quick trip through Johannesburg, South Africa.  I’ve wanted to come here since I was a teenager.  Twenty or so years ago, my parents visited Johannesburg and returned with a postcard picture of the city.  They placed it on the fridge and I promised myself I’d go there one day.

Well, yesterday was the day.  In the US and Cape Town, I’d heard some negative things about Johannesburg and my safety there but I couldn’t allow that to keep me from enjoying a city I’d dreamed about for so many years. 

A cornocopia of people.  The history of this city runs deep and the wounds of many of the people run even deeper.  But there is a pride in Johannesburg that no one can take away from those who call it home.  It is the metropolis of South Africa.  Most of the business that happens in South Africa, begins or ends here.  You cannot come to South Africa without seeing the city where it all happens. 

I was honored to be interviewed by The Star while there.  The news editor was made aware of this club through another journalist in Cape Town.  Following the interview, the photographer offered to show me around the city.  And that he did – in a convertible Mini Cooper with a big red stripe across the hood and back of the car, trimmed in checkerboard.  That is not the car to travel in if you’re scared to be in the city.  Good thing we weren’t!

I had a blast.  I’m grateful to the people of Johannesburg that made me feel so welcomed.  Thank you.  And now, I continue on my quest to find the secret to a happy marriage, by interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more around the world.  Next stop, the beautiful island of Mauritius!

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 42,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Like every couple I’ve met along this journey around the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage, Pat & Henry of Cape Town, South Africa, have remained great friends over the 47 years they’ve been married.  Early on in their marriage, they made a conscious choice not to sweat the small stuff.  And according to them, it’s all small. 

Henry tells me he and Pat decided long ago that tomorrow is never promised so they would never carry a disagreement into the night.  It simply wasn’t that important.  Those who take a disagreement to bed with them, they tell me, make an unwise and presumptive decision. 

In order to allow yourself to go to bed angry with your spouse, Henry says, you have determined you will wake up the next day and be able to continue in that disagreement (or argument).  You assume your spouse will wake up next to you.  But what a tragedy it is, they both point out, if your spouse were not to wake up the next morning.  The memory you’d be forced to live with for the remainder of your life is not the great times you had together but rather the last thing you did or said.  It is a regret likely to stay with you until the day you pass away.

I could continue this interview with Pat and Henry for the next week and never tire of hearing them speak or watching them interact with one another.  But unfortunately, it’s time for me to move on to the next country.  Johannesburg, here I come!

Question: Think about the last disagreement you took to bed with you.  How would you have felt if your husband did not wake up the next morning and that is the memory you were left with for the rest of your life?  Would it be worth it?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I met Pat & Henry through newly-made friends in Cape Town, South Africa.  When I had tea and dessert with Dot & Ken, Dot told me about the high amount of energy of her 70-yr old aunt.  But even I wasn’t prepared for the couple who came to meet me.  They looked decades younger than their birth certificates might claim.  ”I can’t believe you’re 70 years old,” I told Pat.  ”I’m not!  I married an older man.  I’m 67, Henry’s 72,” she quickly corrected me.

As soon as we sat down in the hotel restaurant, I knew exactly why Dot suggested I interview them on my journey around the world to discover the secret to a happy marriage.  “We have a lot of fun,” Henry began after my inquiry regarding their energy and youth.  “And the thing is, we don’t have to do anything to be happy.  Our own company is plenty for us.  We’re great friends, so even if we don’t go out around the town, it’s enough for us,” he began. 

He shared all the beautiful things there are to do in Cape Town between enjoying all he wineries, walking along the beaches, eating at the endless number of restaurants, but they prefer to not do much of anything, “We can actually sit in each other’s company all day long and not be bored.”

They are friends.  From the moment they sat down to dinner together, it was evident.  They joke, play and laugh at each other’s expense, all while remaining completely respectful of each other.  Pat calls Henry “Lovie.”  Throughout our time of tea and dessert together, they looked into each other’s eyes, made one another smile more times than I can possibly count, and held hands as if today could be their last.

I wondered, out loud, if they’d always been this way.  The answer was yes.  “I remember a friend told me one day I was going to have to wake up from this bubble I was in and live in the real world.”  I knew exactly what her friend meant because I’ve been given similar advice throughout my marriage.  But I’ve refused to listen because the happiness in my marriage is what I’ve chosen and consequently created.

Keith and I, like Pat and Henry, have chosen our friends very carefully over the years.  They’ve intentionally kept people close to them who are likeminded; those who put their marriage and family first.  Those who, as Henry put it, are not destructive to one’s relationship or thoughts about one’s marriage.  They will not sit in the company of a couple who are not respectful of one other. 

Over the many years they’ve been married, they truly believe this has greatly impacted their relationship.  They have spoken positively of each other and their marriage has turned out to be more than they could have ever hoped or dreamed.

Question: Do you intentionally choose friends who are good for you and your marriage?  Have you had friends in the past who were destructive in this regard?

Join me here tomorrow for more from my interview in Cape Town, South Africa, and the fantastic advice from this couple happily married 47 years and counting.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I’ve heard this idea many times before but never quite like this.  Dot & Ken, the South African couple I enjoyed dessert and tea with while in Cape Town, told me about a daily ritual they have that seemed pretty cool.  

Each morning when they awake, Dot goes to open the window shades before the sun rises while Ken goes to make a pot of coffee.  They return to the bed and have what they call their daily “board meeting” while watching the city lights turn on.

During their board meeting, they sip coffee and discuss their upcoming day and the significant things that happened the day before.  They both work long hours and have hectic schedules so this is a time of reconnection for them.  It allows them to give each other a brief download of what’s going on in their individual lives.

I’ve heard a similar ritual from many of the happily married couples I’ve interviewed over the past couple years.  Miriam & Efi, married 37 years, sip port and have appetizers every night for this same purpose of connection.  Marie and Nick, married 59 years, get together every night around 6pm for ‘cocktail hour’ where she’ll most oftentimes sip on a glass of Sauvignon Blanc or vodka and grape juice (dirty martini on Friday nights) and he’ll enjoy a glass of vodka tonic while discussing matters of the day.  They talk about everything from their business, to the kids, to family and friends.

This daily time of connecting and sharing is intentional.  They each set the time aside to do it.  Not only does it strengthen communication and the marital bond, it builds trust.  When you spend time each day sharing with your spouse what you did, allowing him to share what he did that day and what your upcoming schedule looks like, something amazing happens. You get to know what’s going on in each other’s world.

There is just something about knowing what’s going on in the life of your spouse when he’s away from home that builds trust, and vice versa.  It’ not the main purpose of this daily connecting time, but it is certainly an added bonus.

Question: Do you have an intentional daily time of connection with your husband?  If so, why do you think it’s important?  If not, is it something you think you can begin building into your schedule?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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I wish I could express to you the love I now have for Cape Town, South Africa.  I expected it to be nice, even beautiful.  I did not expect breathtaking.  During my time here, I’ve had the chance to meet two lovely couples.

I don’t think I previously shared with you how I decided upon the couples I’d be interviewing as I travel the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  Although I’ve come to know many members of this club very well online, for this journey, it was important I interviewed people referred to me by people I personally know outside of the online world.

My first interview in Cape Town was referred to me by a good friend of a friend.  Although this lovely couple are thrice removed from a direct friendship, their reception of me from the moment they arrived at my hotel was warm, open, receptive and what some folks back home might refer to as southern hospitality.  It’s the South African way.

Ken & Dot are friends.  They make each other laugh and don’t mind when the other tells jokes about them.  When I ask Ken what prompted his impromptu marriage to Dot -he told her to mark a specific date on her calendar as they were both very busy with work and he wanted them to get married on that day- he says with a completely straight face, “It was tax season and I needed a deduction.” 

With that, Dot began laughing and said, “I’m going to get a tee shirt that reads, ‘I’m a tax deduction’.”  They make each other laugh.  Something I’ve seen time and time again with couples I’ve interviewed. 

Laughing is infectious and it’s so important in a lasting relationship, or at least that’s something I’m quickly learning being around all these wise couples.  Those who don’t take themselves that seriously, inside or outside of the bedroom, seem to just do better.  They argue less, agree alot faster, and truly enjoy each other’s company.

Laughter is one of the many keys to their loving marriage (I’ll share another one, they call their daily “boardroom meeting” tomorrow).  Laughter, overall, is known as one of the greatest stress reducers and relationship builders.  There’s even such thing as Laughter Yoga.  

It’s been said, Laughter is the greatest medicine.  And I must admit, I don’t know of a much better one.

Question: How well are you at laughing at yourself?  Do you find when you don’t take things so seriously it allows you to remain more lighthearted and allow for a friendlier relationship with your husband?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 41,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

My time in Cape Town so far has been -in one word- amazing.  As many of you know, I am currently making my way around the world to 12 countries and all 7 continents in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  We have thousands of members in this region so I travelled here to interview two fabulous couples. I look forward to sharing excerpts from those interviews tomorrow and Friday.

Until then, enjoy a few photos from my time here in Cape Town and for those in the US, have a Happy 4th of July holiday weekend.  For those around the world, have a fantastic day.

One of the wives I interviewed took me on a 3-hour hike overlooking all of Cape Town.  I could barely keep up with her and she’s 67-years old (in my defense, her energy level is like a 30-yr old)

The ferris wheel at Victoria Wharf that allows you to look out over the city

Bronze statues of Nelson Mandela, FW de Klerk, Desmond Tutu & Albert Luthuli at Noble Square

V & A Waterfront Shops

Make sure to join me here tomorrow as I share exceprts from my interviews with two happily married couples in Cape Town.  One couple, married, 47 years, gave some of the best advice I’ve heard about marriage.  I look forward to sharing with you what I learned during my time with them.

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With nearly 41,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

 “It was my husband’s birthday and I was preparing the house for his arrival from home,” she began.  “The presents were bought and had reservations at a great restaurant,” she continued.  When her husband arrived home, he asked her to come into the living room; he had a question for her.

“Are you having an affair?” he asked calmly.  “Of course not!” she quickly shot back.  “Please don’t lie to me,” he responded.  She knew.  She knew he’d somehow find out.  After her face turned red and her eyes swelled with tears, she admitted she had indeed been carrying on an affair.  Crying and with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, she ran out of the house, got in her car and began to drive around.

The affair, Darlene shared with me over lunch, began innocently with exchanging texts.  Then it graduated to much more.  Darlene’s husband had always worked long hours.  Very long.  She began to resent that.  Throughout their course of marriage, she’d had 5 miscarriages.  It was tough.  She became bitter.  And over the years, that bitterness grew until it took over her heart and nothing he did was good enough and everything he did was all wrong.

“I never should have allowed those negative thoughts to grow,” Darlene said thinking in retrospect.  Her comment reminded me of a piece of advice shred with me recently during an interview.  “Never keep inviting negative thoughts to dinner or eventually they’ll get fat!”  Darlene expounded on that thought, “Negative thoughts run through our mind all day. Weird thoughts.  Uncharacteristic thoughts.  Thoughts I’m ashamed of repeating,” she said.  “The key is never allowing them to stay.  You can’t control them running through your mind, but you can control how much you feed them.”

After driving around for some time, Darelen finally returned home.  She immediately began packing her bags.  Her husband asked if she was leaving because she wanted to leave or because she felt as though she had to, “If you want to stay, I will forgive you,” he said as tears continued to pour down Darlene’s face.  “If you had an affair, that’s because our marriage was broken.  And if our marriage was broken, that means I had something to do with it.  So if you want to stay, stay.” He forgave her and looked for a pathway forward addressing what was lacking in their relationship.

All of a sudden, everything that once bothered her about him, no longer mattered.  Rather than being upset about his working long hours, she began to appreciate the reason he works such long hours is to provide for her and their four children.  “It comes down to those thoughts,” she surmised.  “I never should have let them in.  I never should have fed them.  If I could do it again, I’d shut them down from the very beginning.” 

I’ve said this so many times I hope I don’t sound like a broken record but happiness -especially, in marriage- is always a choice.  It is a daily choice, a weekly choice, a monthly choice and a moment-by-moment decision.  Our thoughts control our attitude and our attitude will always determine the greatness of our marriage.

Question:  How do you keep negative thoughts from planting seeds that could grow in your mind and heart?  Do you have the desire and will to choose happiness for your life and your marriage today?         

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 40,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

I love it when I learn something new.  When something I thought I knew the answer to proves to be untrue, inaccurate, misguided or simple-minded.  For some that may be difficult, and when I first married Keith that was certainly the case for me, but over the years I’ve come to appreciate the growth that comes from knowing there is still so much for me to learn and so many areas in which I can improve.

When I set out over a week ago, traveling to 12 countries and all 7 continents in search of the secret to a happy marriage, I thought I was doing that in order to show women all over the world a loving and happy marriage is possible til’ death do you part.  But what I’ve discovered so far -and I’ve just barely reached the second country- is this was also about encouraging myself.

What I’ve realized in listening to all these wonderfully happy and genuine couples is all the right things Keith and I have been doing over these years is exactly what they’ve been doing for the past 20, 30, 40, 50-plus years and much more.  They’ve sustained it all over time.  For Keith and I, we’re just in the first leg of this marathon.  We will need to continue what we’re doing for the next half-century, if we are blessed to live that long.

I’ve realized meeting all these couples, interviewing them -and learning about how they established a great marriage from the start, laid a solid foundation by creating good habits, and built upon that foundation over time- I am giving myself the strength and knowledge I will need to do the same.  When naysayers look at us and say it’s not possible, I will think back to this journey and all those I met and know in my heart, it most certainly is.  As the world becomes more negative, I must fight to continue to be positive and not allow the outside world to adversely impact my marriage.

Keith and I have been building the foundation of our marriage for the past 9 years and next year we’ll celebrate a decade of togetherness.  Now, is not the time to get lazy or complacent.  The strength of every layer of our marriage will depend on how solid our foundation is in God, our trust and respect for each other, and our diligence toward making the right decisions over and over until they become great habits for the remainder of our lives.

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing with you the story of a husband’s enormous love and forgiveness for a wife who committed the ultimate wrongdoing in a marriage.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 40,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

In Winnipeg, I had a great time speaking with couples and wives in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  I’m excited to share with you an unbelievable story told to me while interviewing Darlene, a wife of more than 23 year.  Look out for that on Monday. 

The last couple I interviewed in Winnipeg was Irene & Dick, a successful husband and wife team with a large company and over 100 employees in the area.  During our conversation, as they were sharing with me their pathway to where they are today, Dick pondered our discussion.  “I was thinking as you were talking,” he began.  “There is a great business book, Good to Great.  In the book the writer determined what the difference was between good companies and great companies and how one could take a leap between the two positions,” he continued.

I love Good to Great.  One of my favorite business books of all time so I was familiar with its content and fascinated to hear what he thought that had to do with marriage.  “Do you remember what he discovered was the difference between good companies and great ones?” he inquired.  Uh huh.  “Great companies gave more to their customers, requiring less in return,” he concluded.

He then began recounting the past few days and how he gave around the house or to Irene and then began to question his own motives, like he was giving a self-review.

“We have a good marriage.  We’ve always had a good marriage.  But do we have a great marriage?  Can we have a great marriage?” he asked audibly but seemed to be posing the question to himself.  “Do I give more and require less?” he continued in his self-examination. 

As he was examining his heart, I had to examine my own.  Do I consistently give more and require less?  Do I always remember to be courteous, say thank you, give to my husband as I would to a stranger?  I’d love to believe I am consistent in this area but I’m not certain of that.  There are certain things over the years I’ve come to feel more entitled to or about.  That changes.  Today.

Question: Do you believe one of the keys to a successful marriage is what Dick said, giving more and requiring less?  

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 40,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Following my wonderful interview with Sandy in which I learned more about marriage than I could possibly fit into the last two blog posts, it was time to leave beautiful San Diego, Calfornia and head north to Winnpeg, Canada.

If you didn’t get a chance to read some of the wisdom from Sandy, a happy wife of 53 years, definitely check it out.  Her first piece of advice (paraphrased): Make marriage your Plan A and have no Plan b; it distracts from Plan A was a reminder to us all of what is most important in life.  And another great bit of advice: Let no one come between you helped us put our priorities in perspective.

I have already learned so much on my trip around the world…and I’ve not even left North America yet!  Yesterday, I sat down with a lovely lady, Darlene, who was unbelievably transparent, honest and shared she and husband’s road map to a happy marriage after an affair (hers, not his).  I can’t wait to share a few things I learned from her in my blog post tomorrow.

But for today, I wanted you to see some of the pictures I’ve snapped here in Winnipeg.  And I also want to leave you with one last piece of advice from Sandy (scroll down to below the pics for that).  Enjoy!

Sign as I was walking from the airport (where my hotel was located) to Waterfront Street.  I told the hotel I wanted to walk instead of taking a taxi (free exercise).  I walked over 25K roundtrip – whew!

Bus stops in Winnipeg are so clean even I thought about just sitting down in one

The grounds surrounding the legislative building are gorgeous; well manicured

All around the world the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee is being celebrated.  Including in Winnipeg

Winnipeg’s beautiful waterfront.  It’s so beautiful I didn’t even mind the water was brown

 My first beef bourguignon.  I’ve been wanted to try this since the movie Julie & Julia

 The sun didn’t go down until after 10pm each night.  Then it popped back up first thing in the morning

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There was one other piece of advice Sandy shared that I had to share with you: “Don’t invite negative thoughts to dinner or they will eventually get fat.”  Such wisdom!  When negative thoughts cross our mind, we must let them pass through.  Don’t entertain them.  Don’t feed them.  Let them grab some water and be on their way.  Keep your mind and thoughts positive and your life will follow suit.

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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This post is a continuation of my interview with Sandy, an HWC member and happy wife of 53 years.  It is also a part of my journey to 7 continents and 12 countries in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  My first stop was San Diego, California, where the beaches are endless and the sun sparkles off the shore.

In yesterday’s post, Sandy gave us one of her secrets to a happy marriage: Have no plan B; it distracts from plan A.  And today she gives us another: Let no one come between you.  Now, these weren’t Sandy’s exact words; I have a thing with fun titles.  But the advice is 100% hers.

Letting no one come between you.  And to some extent, she meant quite literally.  They stayed physically connected.  Until the very end, Sandy enjoyed sitting on Jim’s lap.  Even when she’d picked up some weight and would ask him if she was too heavy.  He always assured her she was not.  They made time to go out on date nights fro the very begining of their marriage -especially after they had children- even if it was just to the local coffee shop.  

They put each other first.  Before any other earthly relationship.  God came first in their life and then each other.  Their children, although loved with every bit of their heart, did not take precedence over their marriage.  They knew their children would likely leave home after 18 years or so and head to college.  Then they would start a family of their own and come to visit maybe once a week (if that much).

Sandy and Jim wisely concluded the relationship that would remain once the time came for the children to go out on their own, was the one they should maintain: their marriage.  So many couples put other relationships, business, and hobbies ahead of quality time with their spouse.  Not these two.  They determined their greatest investment would be in their marriage, and each other.

Question: Is there any relationship, other than God, you hold in higher regard than your marriage?  Is there any person, other than God, you esteem higher than your spouse?  Is there a project you tend to with greater care than your husband?  Is that something you willing to change so your marriage can flourish?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With nearly 40,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook