“Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.” -Theodore Roethke

This past weekend, I was reminded of an all too important truth: one of the greatest offensive strategies to avert senseless arguments is remaining vulnerable.  Keith did something that really disappointed me.  So much so, that I responded in an out of character way that hurt him.  

I felt as though he hadn’t fully recognized my disappointment.  On the other hand, my response was all he could focus on because he spends so much time trying to ensure my happiness (he really is the most loving husband ever) and felt as though I was showing a lack of appreciation in that regard.  

While we were in the midst of the conversation, I found myself tempted to dig my heels in and hold my ground; determined to be right.  Instead, I got up an went into the bathroom and determined I would remain vulnerable.  As the great quote goes, “Marriage is a win-win or lose-lose proposition.  Either both will win or both will lose but you can’t have it both ways.”    

With this in mind, I emerged from the bathroom and apologized for not expressing my expectations better, which kept him from being able to meet them.  I apologized for making him feel unappreciated.  And then something happened neither of us could have seen coming.  

I began to cry.  And not a pretty cry; an ugly, can barely talk or breathe kind of cry.  He immediately jumped up and ran over to where I was standing and wrapped me in his arms.  He stroked my hair and apologized for not communicating well either.

I remained vulnerable which allowed him to assume his favorite role of protector.  If Keith had things his way, he’d shield me from every potential hurt or disappointment in this world.  The last thing he ever wants to do is be the inflictor of either.  In that crucial moment, where our conversation could have escalated from calm discussion to a heated disagreement, I was reminded of this fact I know to be true.

Question: Has there been a time recently where instead of remaining vulnerable, you dug your heels in and determined you would be right?  How do you think it could have turned out if you’d remained open instead?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 49,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook 

On Friday, I shared my humbling moment of asking Keith how he’d score me as a wife (against a perfect version of myself) on a scale of 1-to-10.  But I’m so happy I asked the question so I knew where I was starting from before I wasted time working on areas that weren’t important to him.

While I was recently in Australia, I asked Keith to send me a list of the top 6 things he thought I could do to be a better wife and woman overall.  Here was his list for me:

1. Greater outreach and relationship development with friends and family

2. Increase your willingness to try something new

3. Order food as it is presented on the menu

4. Think more before speaking – this has improved a great deal, but continued work isn’t bad

5. Be more flexible (e.g., not getting too locked into a particular routine)

6. Strive to be in the moment and not get zoned out – particularly with work

Prior to making this request of Keith, I did a self-assessment of the areas I could improve upon and created a list of 12 goals.  My plan was to tackle one goal a month.  That was until I received this list from Keith and realized I was completely off base.  

Out of the 6 areas of improvement he identified as most important to him, only one was on my my list.  And of the 12 goals on my list, only one did he consider important.  This was a great lesson and reminder to me that if I want to be the best wife I can be, the best thing to do is just ask my husband how I can be better.  No one knows what he needs and desires better than him so humbling myself to ask the question just saved me from wasting 12 months tackling issues that are non-issues to him.

Question: Have you ever asked your husband in what areas he thought you could improve as a wife and a woman overall?  It’s a great exercise.  At least, it was for me.  

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With nearly 49,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Spending the last two months interviewing women around the world who have been happily married 25 years or more has been eye-opening to say the least.  As I suspected, these women all have so much in common.  The happy wives in South Africa are just like those in the Philippines and those in the Philippines are so similar to those in New Zealand and so on.  

I learned more throughout these interviews than I ever thought possible and decided I wanted to return to the States and work toward becoming an even better wife.

I thought I was a great wife.  Not a perfect wife but a pretty fantastic one.  My husband loves, respects and adores me and would do anything for me so I was pretty confident I was a pretty awesome wife.  Not to mention, I have a club that’s all about happily married women (of which, I am proud to be a member).  

So imagine my surprise (and momentary dismay) when I recently asked Keith, “If you graded me as a wife on a scale of 1-to-10, with 10 being highest what would I score?” 

He began comparing me to wives we knew, “Compared to so-and-so you’re 100.  And compared to so-and-so, you’re definitely a 100 on a scale of 1-to-10!”  As great as that felt, that wasn’t my question.  “I only want you to compare me against me.  The wife I am now compared to the wife I have the potential to be.”  He gave me a 7.  Well, that was humbling. 

“Honey, you asked me to compare you now against your potential; against a perfect Fawn,” he said.  If I gave you a 9 or a 10, you’d be a hot mess and wouldn’t be motivated to keep improving.”  He’s probably right.  “So when I’ve made the 6 improvements you’ve given me –the list you sent while I was in Australia- will that bring me to an 8?” I inquired grasping for a way to quickly improve my sub par score.  “At the very least an 8.”  I can handle that.

On Monday, I’ll share with you the list of 6 improvements Keith gave me on helping become a better wife and person and the reason it was he gave me the list (here’s a hint: I asked for it).

Question: Have you ever asked your husband to score his happiness as a husband or to score you (on a scale of 1-to-10) as a wife?

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With nearly 48,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Quick Note: Now, that I’m back from my travels around the world, in search of the secret to a happy marriage, I’ll return to blogging on my usual schedule instead of 5 days a week as I’ve done since June. So now you can find me here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday with a fresh new post just for you.

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While I was travelling, and meeting Happy Wives Club members around the world, the greatest (yet accidental) thing happened.  In order to assemble HWC members in various cities, I created get-togethers through a site called MeetUp.com.  I’ve used them before to find Spanish immersion groups in my area.

What I didn’t realize when I was setting up the group page for the Philippines, Fiji, and Mauritius, was the site would use my local Los Angeles address as the location.  So although the events were being held in other countries, when people looking in the Los Angeles area for groups to connect with who have similar interests, they would be lead to the Happy Wives Club meetup page.

Immediately, I began getting notes from other happily married women living within a few miles from me (some within a few blocks) wanting to get together to chat about love, life and our wonderful marriages.  Although people have asked me in the past if I plan to host HWC conferences (which I don’t), I’ve never thought about encouraging members of this club who live or work near each other to possibly form local chapters or simply get together to meet new people.

I was prompted to think about this again when I received a new email from Meetup.com that said, “Sabrina just joined Happy Wives Club!”  There are now 11 women in my community who have joined a group I created by mistake.  But now I’m intrigued and cautiously excited about the thought of taking this club offline (of course, also keeping it online) and meeting people right in my backyard.

What about you?  Would you be interested in meeting other HWC members that live in your community or a nearby city?  My time in the Philippines, with the women of this club who were all meeting each other for the first time, was one of the highlights of my trip.  Simply amazing.  

Question: So what do you think?  Is this a good idea?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 47,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

When I posted a simple image on Facebook this weekend, something happened I’ve never seen happen on our FB community page before.  The exact number of people who hit “Like” also shared the graphic on their own page: 3,594 people shared the graphic to the right on their Facebook pages as an homage to their hubbies.  And nearly 200 of those who shared the page took the time to share why they loved their husband so much.

It’s a simple tee shirt graphic I found online and loved (and now need to track down the link to the actual tee shirt company so I can purchase one).

But since the discussion was so popular, I wanted to make sure I posted it here just in case you missed it.  And I also wanted to invite you to share why you love your husband too.  

So go ahead and join the discussion on our Facebook Community page.  With more than 47,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

A little less than two months after beginning my trip around the world -to see if there is a universal secret to a happy marriage- I returned home full of hope and excited about my future discoveries.  

By the time I arrived in New Zealand, I’d already visited 8 countries on this journey and interviewed couples happily married 25-plus years for their take on what a couple needs to make their marriage happily last a lifetime.

Since June, I have been in a different country every 4-5 days.  Walking through the arrivals terminal in Auckland, I looked at a sign instructing transferring passengers to turn right and those visiting Auckland to turn left. 

I stood for a moment looking at that sign wondering how disappointed friends meeting me at the airport would be if I headed to a ticket counter and asked to book a flight back to Los Angeles.  But I was homesick (or to be more accurate, hubbysick).

I don’t know if you’ve ever been away from your husband for any length of time beyond a couple weeks but I found it incredibly diffficult.  Talking to his mom this afternoon, she said how shocked she was at how well we both held up considering our daily longing for one another.  I guess it’s because we both feel this to be such a worthy mission.  It’s not just to encourage members of this club, but also to encourage myself, and learn from the wisdom pouring forth from these amazing couples.

So I’m back at home -exactly where I belong- for at least the next few months.  I cut my journey short but still have 3 more countries and 2 additional continents I’ve committed to visit before I can share with you my findings.  But what I do know for certain, and I’m more than happy to report, there are happy wives all over this world.  They aren’t figments of the world’s imagination.  We are real. 

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 46,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

I may be the only person with this challenge but I recently realized I do something that, in the long run, could be detrimental to my marriage.  I put pressures on myself and then become so overwhelmed by my self-inflicted stress that I don’t notice the simplest things around me.

Since returning from my trip around the world in search of the universal secret to a happy marriage, I’ve bombarded myself with a massive to-do list and for some reason feel the need to finish everything TODAY.  

On Monday, the first full day following my return, I created a list of the most urgent tasks I needed to get completed over the next couple days and ranked them in order of importance.   By the end of the day, I realized I’d spent most of my day on the least consequential items and the “big ones” still remained.  

This, of course, caused me to become a bit stressed.  Tuesday night, I got so engrossed in my work I completely forgot Keith was waiting for me to do something with him.  By the time I realized, it was bedtime.

Keith is incredibly understanding and gives me alot of “passes” on my oft-times misguided ways.  ”Pass” or not, this is something I’m determined to change.  

One of the things I’ve learned from the dozens of happily married people I interviewed on my journey is those who’ve been married 25-plus years really have a great understanding of what is important and what can wait.  These couples, many happily married 35, 45 and 55 years, determined to make their relationship more important than anything in the outside world.  Their marriage and household is of the utmost importance to both of them.

They determined that in the end, after they’d each retired or could no longer keep up with the hectic pace of their work life, their companies would continue on without them.  But their marriage, if they did not tend to it daily, would not.  I say my marriage is the most important relationship in this world, and I most certainly mean it.  But sometimes my actions, unfortunately, reflect a different truth.  Does that ever happen to you?

Question: What is the best way to ensure stress from the outside world doesn’t creep into your home and interrupt (or distract you from) time with your family?

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 46,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Interviewing all these couples happily married 30, 40, 50 years, and seeing the love and appreciation they have for each other, reminds me of a story I heard long ago. 

There was a woman who decided she wanted to sell her home.  It wasn’t large enough, yard was too small, the dark wood floors made it look dated and the tree out front kept dropping sap.  The community was too old and she desired something more upscale. 

When the realtor brought over the one-sheet he’d created to advertise the home, she began reviewing it with amazement.  She was able to see her home through the photo lens of a professional photographer and to read its description:

“Quaint 1920 craftsman bungalow on pristine street with vaulted ceilings and original moldings.  Open dining room perfect for welcoming family and friends for dinner cooked in your vintage kitchen that includes appliances restored with great precision.  Nestled on a sunny corner lot ensures light will radiate throughout your home, showing off the rich walnut wood floors and period details throughout.”

“Immaculately landscaped backyard requires minimal upkeep and the 100-year old oak tree in the front yard is the toast of the neighborhood.   This established community bears no other “for sale” signs because it’s one of the most desirable places to live.  Once you move here, you too, will never want to leave.”

After reading the advertisement, she told the realtor, “I don’t want to sell my home anymore.  Now that I see it for what it really is, I realize this is my dream home.”

This is the way so many of us are with marriage.  Those who fail to invest in the love they have, nurture and cherish it, will never see its true value.  Thinking about this more and more, I did an excercise I’ve never done before but found beneficial.  Pretending Keith and I were just friends, I created a make believe advertisement looking for his wife:   

“Kind, gentle and loving man seeks woman who he can love and cherish for the rest of her life.  He desires she be unique and independent, in love with life, and confident.  He has no desire to change her; just to love her exactly as she is.  He will give all he has in exchange for complete love, devotion, honesty, and a friendship that makes him long to come home at the end of each day.”  

“No nagging or complaining please.  And appreciation for life and a gratefulness for everything you already have is a must.  He loves to cook and is usually tidy, and is happy to help around the house, as he recognizes it is also his home.”

Just writing this down reminds me of how fortunate I am to have a man who loves me and I love and adore in return.  Give this exercise a try and fall in love with your husband all over again…and again…and again.

Question: What are your husbands greatest qualities and attributes?  If you were to do an exercise like the one I did above, how would it read?  Feel free to have a very long list.  

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With more than 46,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

While in Croatia a few weeks ago (continuing in search of the secret to a happy marriage) my friend Mia took me to the place that last year won the European Award for Most Innovative Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships.  Yes, that really does exist. 

The two people who started the travelling exhibition -which has now become a museum- were once a couple and during their breakup couldn’t figure out what to do with all the stuff they accumulated, so they put all the objects together and then asked friends what they should do with them.

Upon entering the museum, I’m amazed first that so many people would be willing to share such a personal story with strangers.  But I guess most writers, like myself, do the same.  An axe hanging on the wall tells the story of its owner, a woman who used it to chop up 25 pieces of furniture while her ex was on vacation. 

Teddy bears, shaving kits, old wedding dresses, pink furry handcuffs, all mementos of a love gone wrong.  Along with each item on display is an accompanying story the submitter wrote about their broken relationship.  Some of them were still clearly in love, some incredibly bitter, and some which seemed wholly inappropriate for public consumption.  But the concept makes sense.

There are few people in this world, if any, who haven’t experienced a broken heart.  And what do you do with the things remaining from that relationship?  Now there’s a place.  I felt bad for those who were clearly the object of someone’s venom when I read many of these stories.  “Oh, this one’s still bitter,” Mia said when pointing at one she thought I should read.

Story after story and memento after memento, I couldn’t help but feel grateful about the love I have and reflect on the fortuitous nature of it all.  Marriages do not stay together by happenstance, they require daily action. 

Love is like a home, built one brick at a time, to sustain even through times of storm.  For every daily act of kindness, respect, trust and selflessness, more bricks are added to ensure protection during challenging times.  When you wisely build your home, the storms of life cannot destroy it.  Your love -that home- will not be moved.

Question: What little things can you do daily to continue nurturing your relationship and ensuring your marriage will be built to last?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

Comments: With nearly 46,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting with a group of HWC members in the Manila area.  It was certainly one of my highlights on this trip around the world in search of the secret to a happy marriage.  Ten of us enjoyed tea and banana bread while sitting around a table and talking about love, family and marriage.  

I quickly fell in love with the Filipino culture, their kindness, gratefulness for everything they have, and their love for life and people.  I left the Philippines wishing I could have just a few more days there.  But just a couple days after I departed, Typhoon Saola plowed through the area and of this morning, more than 2 million people have been affected by the rains and floods.   

One of the hardest hit (and most densely populated) areas was Metro Manila, and the area where the ladies and I met for our get together was completely flooded.  As soon as I contacted them to see how they were doing, none of them cared much about themselves but just wanted to know how they could help others members of the Club -and community- in need.  

I looked for an organization already on the ground and assisting those most in need and came across the Red Cross Philippines chapter.  Their volunteers have already rescued more than 7,500 people and they’ve assisted in the evacuation of more than 200,000 families (and fed hot meals to nearly as many).  They’ve provided generators to local hospitals to ensure they can continue operating and have set up more than 560 evacuation centers across the area.

Please join me in helping our members in the Philippines and their fellow residents.  You can make your donation directly to the Red Cross by clicking here.  To make life a little easier for you, I’ll share a couple things I learned while donating: 1) Click the PayPal link whether or not you’ll be donating using PayPal; and 2) All monies donated are in PHP (Philippine Pesos) so you’ll want to use an online money converter to determine how much your donation equates to in PHP.  For instance, $50 USD is the equivalent of more than 2,000 PHP because the conversion rate is 41.75-to-1.

The reason I say this is a rare chance to make a difference is many of those you will be helping will actually be connected to this Club through family and friends.  And although many have been displaced, the damage done through this typhoon can be remedied much faster than the typhoon and flood that enveloped this region last year.  

Our thoughts and prayers are with our beautiful Filipina members, their families, friends and community.  Until tomorrow…make it a great one!

Comments: With more than 45,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

Zagreb, Croatia, a city so unapologetically, Croatian.  In every city I’ve travelled to around the world, even those I visited prior to this journey, there is a bit of English, French or American culture.  The street signs are in English, menus at restaurants are in English, the hotel staff all speak fluent English.  Not so in Zagreb. 

Walking through the city center, you can spot a Croatian anywhere.  They speak Croatian, look Croatian and walk Croatian.  They have a confidence that exudes from their inner core. 

Maybe it’s because they fought for their independence for so long, resisting influences of neighboring powers like Austria and Hungary, and seceded from Yugoslavia a little more than twenty years ago. 

Maybe it’s because at one point they were once divided into three states, each claimed by a different empire.  They are a war torn country, something you can see in the wear and tear of some of the buildings. 

In the city center, I can immediately tell who is Croatian and who is a foreigner.  Not because the foreigners are reading maps or look confused as to where they are, they just come across as a bit tentative.  Those with American or British-influenced countries tend to have that tentativeness about them.  But the Croatians walk with their heads held high and chests stuck out. 

In Croatia, I was escorted around the office of the President by his security (and was allowed to sit in his dinner chair), visited the critically-acclaimed Museum of Broken Relationships, interviewed a happily married woman -who was a knockout and could have been a model- but instead was an arms dealer for he Swedes, and I spent several hours sipping on cappuccino while getting tips from a happily married businesswoman and mother of two (one of the first I interviewed who is my age, mid-thirties).

I truly enjoyed my time in this country and can’t wait to share my experiences with you.  Join me tomorrow and we’ll start by talking about this museum that won the Most Innovative Museum in Europe award in 2011.  There’s alot to learn in that place about what to do –and what not to do- in creating a marriage that is built to last.

Question: What is your favorite city or country you’ve visited in the world?  What makes that place so special?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 45,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook

My former American –who now sounds fully British- friend, Elicia, I told you about yesterday had another keen observation when she and her fiance met us for dinner in London.  After she told us all about their wedding plans, we began chatting about post-wedding expectations.

She talked about how frustrating it was to hear all the negative comments and advice people have shared with her regarding marriage.  “It’s so irritating!” she said animatedly.  I understood exactly what she meant.  I went through this, as well as every other married person I know. 

Without even realizing it, Elicia began looking for some of the things people said would begin to happen.  Yep, I can relate to that, as well.  I did that momentarily in my early years of marriage before bopping myself upside the head (figuratively, of course).

We talked about how so many people have challenges in their initial years of marriage not because they’re destined for it but because they’re looking for it.  That’s the amazing thing about the mind.  If we look for something, we’ll find it.  “Seek and ye shall find,” is not just a scripture, it is an absolute truth in life. 

Those who look for, expect to have, and work toward joy and happiness, somehow always attain those things.  Those who look for problems in life likewise always attain those.  It seems to be an unspoken rule of life.  Those who look for health problems seem to always find them.  Those who expect to have money woes seem to consistently find their bank accounts short on funds. 

I’ve expected happiness in my marriage from the start and have looked for it.  Any challenges we’ve had along the way, we’ve looked at as learning lessons and stepping stones.  We don’t look at any of them as having slowed us down or taken us off course.  What about you? 

Question: Do you believe you will find what you seek and receive what you expect?  Do you seek happiness in your marriage?  Do you choose to receive it daily?

If you’re happily married and haven’t taken the time to join the Club, make sure to join us today.  It takes only seconds and, of course, it’s completely free.  Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Comments: With more than 45,000 Happy Wives Club members already actively engaged on our Facebook page, what better place to share your thoughts? Join me there and let’s continue the conversation: Happy Wives Club Facebook