Want to give your marriage an extra boost?  Looking for that special thing that will make you fall in love with your spouse over and over again? 

Like drinking a can of Monster or Red Bull for an immediate pick-me-up, in less than 10 minutes, this one simple thing will spur 5 immediate results:

1. Put a genuine smile on your face…immediately.
2. Make you fall deeper in love with your husband daily.
3. Boost your husband’s day (and life).
4. Cause you to make new discoveries in your relationship.
5. Give you a greater appreciation for your chosen partner in this life.

So what is this instant shot in the arm that will do all these things in less than 10 minutes, you ask?  Begin creating a list. 

Sounds too simple, I know.  But I’m not talking about any ole’ list.  This list is more important than your grocery, to-do, homework or Honey-do lists.  It’s the Why I Love My Husband (never-ending list).

Last year, I began writing down all the reasons I love Keith.  Shortly after beginning my list, I made two discoveries: 1) There was so much he did for me every day that would otherwise go unnoticed; and 2) Searching my heart and memory for all the reasons I adore and cherish him brought me greater joy than I could imagine.  It caused me to fall in love with him over and over, every single day of the week.

Often times, especially after being married for many years, we unwittingly take for granted many of the things our spouse does on a regularly basis.  We fail to say thank you as often as we would with a complete stranger.  What I noticed when I began compiling this list is that changed instantaneously.

Here’s how you do it.  Begin with the big items (“he’s my best friend,” “loves me exactly the way I am,” “man of integrity and great character”) and move on to the more specific (“he opened the door for me on our date tonight,” “he picked up my favorite apple at the grocery store today”).  

If you have a smart phone (I have it on my iPhone), you can open your notepad app and begin the list.  When you’re with your husband, look for the little things he does that are kind and special and make a point to write those things down (or type them into your phone notepad).  Pay special attention to every time he goes without something he wants to ensure you have what you desire in that moment.

Keeping a list will cause you to appreciate your spouse more.  And showing him your list will lift his spirits and make him feel more respected and appreciated.

I’ve watched many women improve their marriages by consistently doing this one simple thing.  It’s not because their spouse began doing anything different.  It’s because they began looking for all the things he was already doing right.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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She was a beautiful Aryan German woman living through the horrid days of Hitler’s reign.

He was a handsome African-American serviceman stationed in Germany during WWII.

After a two-year courtship and a child born in Germany, they married and moved to the US.

He loved her.  She loved him.  He cheated on her.  She never forgave him.  Bitterness filled their home all the days of their union.

As my grandmother reminded me not long before she passed, my grandfather had a wondering eye.  Well, the exact term she used was cheater.   

His idea of father-son time usually involved pornographic movies and magazines.

His idea of father-daughter time was doting on her so much it made her mother insanely jealous.

The upbringing of the children was filled with strife.  The divorce should have made it better but it didn’t.  At least not until many decades later when they became best friends again.

When we laid my grandmother’s body to rest earlier this month, I thought about this marital legacy she’d left to her children.  It was not one of happiness.  It wasn’t even one of unconditional love. 

And yet, I looked over at my mother who was in love with my father until death separated them last September.  They adored each other for nearly 40 years and nothing could get between them.

My uncle, who sat in front of me at the funeral, glanced at his bride of more than 40 years with great affection.  They have one of the most beautiful marriages I’ve ever seen.  What I was reminded of on this day was both my mother and her brother made a choice.  They chose to create the marriages they most desired.

They made the choice to forsake the generations of unhappy marriages that came before them and decided to chart their own path.

Just as unhappy marriages aren’t generational, neither are happy ones.  Even though we lived in a home with two parents who were in love with each other our entire lives, both of my older sisters are on their second marriages.  The first ones didn’t turn out so great.

Wiping the slate clean might take marital counseling.  It could very well take personal counseling.  But for those with an unhappy marriage, one of the worst things to do is place the blame on anyone else.  Begin with acknowledging it as a choice.  Those who do that can begin to chart a new course, a happier one – even as soon as today.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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A few Sundays ago, Keith came down with a wicked cough. The hacking preceded a stuffy nose followed by the voice beginning to crack.

I did my best to convince him to stay home at the offset of his symptoms so we could get ahead of what seemed to be an aggressive little bug. Every attempt at convincing him proved futile.

The first day, he went into the office and filled his poor little body with cold medicine and caffeine so he could stay awake. At the end of the day, he came home and crashed.

The next morning, my lobbying to persuade him to stay home again proved unmatched for his determination to fight this incoming illness mano y mano.

The first two days he went into the office would have been perfect days for him to stay home and allow me to take care of him as they were slower than usual days for me on the work front. But Wednesday would be a completely different story. That day’s schedule was jam packed.

I bet you can guess what happened next. You betcha!

Wednesday morning rolled around and as I was preparing for my busy work day to begin, I noticed Keith crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over his shoulders. Yep, you guessed it again…my day was about to be interrupted.

My first thought: “Nooooooooo….”

My second thought: “It’s so rare my hubby allows me to fully take care of him. He’s such a self-sufficient human being and at this moment I knew if he could do it on his own, he would have, so I kissed his forehead and assured him I’d cancel everything in my day to tend to his needs.

Was it an inconvenience? Yes. Did it quickly become my pleasure? Absolutely.

Here are the 3 quick tips I use to maintain my happiness when the craziness of life begins to threaten it:

1. Find something in that moment to be grateful for…immediately. In this instance, it was that my husband was alive and well and needed me to help him get better. I could have gotten frustrated that I’d tried to help earlier in the week, and had he listened to me, my day would not have been so inconvenienced. But really, how would that have helped?

2. Seek out the beauty in the situation. Every situation in life is meant to make us better as human beings. Life is but a series of tests and how we respond to those tests determines whether we pass and move on or are faced with the same challenge at a later date. Look for the lesson in every interruption. My lesson in this momentary interruption was patience.

3. Find a way to become a beacon of light. The world can be a dark and cold place to live. So many are looking for answers, even those around us. When we take the focus off ourselves and shift them onto helping another, in that instant our heart and life will radiate. Shifting my focus from the work I desperately needed to get done to taking care of someone in greater need allowed me to be a blessing to another individual. And in this case, that person just happened to be my favorite person in the world.

Question: How do you keep life’s interruptions from adversely impacting your happiness? (NEW: You can now leave comments on this page – just scroll down and click through the Comments button below)

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Do you ever find yourself pulling back when all you really want to do is wrap your arms around your husband, kiss him a hundred times and tell him how much you desire him?  When out in public, have there been times when you’ve decided not to lean in to your husband as much as you’d like because you were concerned about how others might perceive your expressed adoration?

Adoration is an interesting word.  It is Latin from the word adōrātiō and means to respect; reverence; have strong admiration or devotion.  Most women are comfortable with expressing love for their spouse but not adoration.  I wonder why.

Maybe it’s because we also use the term love to express how we feel about our pets, our favorite foods, a movie we thoroughly enjoyed.  Maybe it’s because it is possible to love and still hold something back.  But when we adore, by the very nature of that word, it means we go “all in.”

For the record, I adore my husband in the greatest sense of the word.  Whether in public or private, I think he’s the best thing since toasted rye bread covered in melted butter.  I love him, indeed I do, but I also fawn over him because I know he needs and desires that just like I do.

The sad part is women like me are becoming more and more rare.  So many don’t give themselves the freedom to do this; to fully give in to the respect and admiration they have for their husband.  Maybe it makes them feel weak.  Possibly it’s because we’ve been taught for so long that we should hold back a part of us; save a little just in case we later need it.

Unfortunately, by withholding from our spouse, we also withhold from ourselves because they aren’t the only ones who need to feel as though they mean the entire world to at least one person.  Women may express it more often but we’re both wired in this manner (men, even more so than women).

There has been alot of talk these days about renewed feminism and this concept of Lean In.  I am a businesswoman and am proud of what I’ve accomplished in the workforce and will undoubtedly continue to set and achieve ambitious goals in the years ahead.  But what is more important to me than leaning in to my career is leaning in to my marriage.

I intentionally give my all to my husband and marriage every day because when I retire from the workforce, I want to make sure I’ve created a family that’s built to last.  I want to have a marriage I thoroughly enjoy and a husband who never ceases to make me smile.  I don’t want to wake up in my fifties and realize I’ve got a fat bank account and a skinny relationship.

So if you want to know if I believe in the concept of Lean In, absolutely!  The only difference is I am focused on leaning in to what matters most in the long run: God, family and friends.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I’m not quite sure what came over me.  As I opened the door, I heard melodies floating through the air carrying me to the area where Keith sat, laptop open, typing away.  

He turned and looked at me and his eyes beckoned me forward.

A moment later, the Il Vivo song that had been playing when I entered out home changed to a popular song Home by Michael Bublè.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmm…
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home

Michael Bublè sang these lyrics through the television speakers as I walked over to Keith and gently took hold of his hand.  As he swung his large black leather desk chair around, his eyes met mine and he somehow instinctively knew, I wanted to dance.  He lifted my left hand toward his lips and gave it a tender kiss before standing up and leading me to the center of our living room floor.

With his 6’4″ frame towering over my 5’4″ stature, he rested his chin on the top of my head as I pressed my cheek against his chest, and we began to dance.  Swaying back and forth in a small area on our carpeted floor, we listened to lyrics that didn’t seem to relate to us at all, and yet we were so moved by them.

We were embracing each other -my right hand in his left, my left hand on his shoulder, his right hand around my waist- and yet this song touched our soul.  It transported us to times when we weren’t together.  Either traveling for work or possibly even before we were together.  A memory of not being together brought us even closer that night.

As Bublè sang the final note of the song, I looked at Keith and whispered, “Thank you for this dance,” a reference he and I both know from a Garth Brooks song we love.

After another tender embrace, we gathered our things and headed to a nearby restaurant for dinner.  As we walked through the restaurant, we heard a familiar tune.  The pianist in the bar area was playing Michael Bublè’s Home and just that quickly, we were transported back to the middle of our living room floor, hands clinched, embracing each other in an impromptu dance.

I looked at Keith, he looked down at me, and we just smiled.  Without so much as saying a word, we both knew we’d just created a special moment that would last for the remainder of our years.  No matter where we are or when it happens, the moment we hear Home, we will now think about that dance.

Life is made of small moments.  Tender, loving moments.  Creating them daily in your marriage allows you to -no matter where you may be- think back to a specific time and place and to again feel what you felt in that single moment.

Our lives are busy.  Many of us have a difficult time just keeping up with our own schedules.  But remember, a special moment can be created in less than two minutes and it can never be taken away.  It is a treasure you can hold on to forever.  

QUESTION: What special moment comes to the surface of your mind and makes you smile?  (NEW: You can now leave comments on this page – just scroll down and click through the Comments button below)

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for?  Join the club!  It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

This week’s link up post is written by one of my favorite happy wives, Susan Merrill.  She’s a contributor for this site and a pretty awesome chick, inside and out.  Enjoy!

————

In the beginning there is passion. Most relationships begin with passion. Passion can be defined as a strong sexual desire but it is also defined as intense emotion or enthusiasm. You can have intense emotion or enthusiasm for a lot of things but the majority of us would like to be most passionate about our husbands, our children, and our family.

We want to be passionate but here is the problem—passion can be drained. I believe that every woman starts with great passion for her husband and her children. Passion fills our mind with visions of the loving family we desire. But as time goes on we can get distracted from our passion; stuff just happens in life—work, children, illness, financial stress—and our passion springs a leak.

But it is in there somewhere.

So how do we find it?  What can we do to ignite and refuel the passion we have lost?

For me, the motivation to stay passionate starts in my faulty heart—ironically, the symbolic dwelling place for passion and love. My heart has failed me on several occasions. At one point it stopped completely and at the age of seventeen I had a cardiac arrest. I was exposed to eternity for just a breath of time, but everything that I loved had time to flash through my mind. God and the people I love: that is all I saw.

When your heart stops, your mind will freeze where your heart left off—with those you love. I don’t really believe you can “love” stuff—houses, careers, money. You may desire it. You may think you love it, but that is your eye trying to trick your heart. When your heart stops, your eyes will close, and what you really love will be as clear as day. That is your real passion.

If your heart stopped what would flash before your eyes?

I hope your answer included your husband. Your husband should come before any other life on earth, even ahead of children. Make him the passion that he should be in this life, or would be if you knew this life was soon to end. Think of him with passion; cling to him with passion; love him passionately.

Susan Merrill
–Author of The Passionate Mom
–Director of iMOM.com
–Blogger at SusanMe.com
–Wife to Mark Merrill
–Mother of five

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Have you had a chance to explore the new Happy Wives Club site since we unveiled its new design last month?    If not, please allow me to give you a quick tour around our new digs.  We designed this site with you, our members and visitors, in mind and hope it continues to serve up daily encouragement for your marriage.

For the past three years, you have been asking us to add comments to the blog posts.  Oh, how I wish it were that easy!  The platform this site was originally built on had a pretty horrendous commenting system which rendered it quite pointless for its intended purpose.  But now that we have our very own server and are using WordPress, you can now post comments – woohoo!!

Although adding an ability to communicate through comments on each of the pages is pretty cool, it’s not nearly as awesome as my favorite new feature.  Did you know we now have more than 30 writers contributing to this site?  That’s right.  For the new Happy Wives Club, I enlisted some of my favorite online writers to deliver fresh content daily.

If you haven’t explored the contributor sections of the site, FOOD, HEALTH & FITNESS, TRAVEL, and DATE NIGHTS, you don’t know what you’re missing!  Just click on any of the links on the top right of this page to discover more.

In the Health & Fitness section, U.S. Olympian Annett Davis is helping us keep our New Year’s resolution of getting and staying in shape.  In the Food section, some of the best food bloggers on the web have joined us to deliver tasty recipes for you and your family.

The Travel section will take you around the world and back, all from the very seat you’re sitting in right now.  Read about the wonderful excursions of these bloggers and then plan your own trips.  

Last, but certainly not least, in the Date Nights section you’ll find creative ideas for some alone time with your spouse.  From cheap date nights at home to elaborate date nights on the town, you can find plenty of ideas that will fit within your budget.

Happy Wives Club is a place where you can come daily, not just to be encouraged in your marriage but also to be given tools to take your union from good to great and from great to extraordinary.  We will continue to make changes to this site to better serve you and, as always, encourage your feedback.  After all, this site was created specifically for you.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

**SUBSCRIBERS: You may have received this post twice (it’s our fault, not Google’s ).**

Have you ever wondered why some couples argue nonstop and others very rarely?  Over the years, this curiosity has caused me to pay a great deal of attention to couples on both ends of the spectrum.  And there seems to be a commonality among those who have mastered the art of easing into a discussion rather than crashing into an argument.

The first thing is they do is pay close attention to their spouse and any mood changes they might be having.  “Could this change in their attitude or mood be something caused by me?” is a question they ask themselves.  And if they can’t pinpoint something they may have done to frustrate or disappoint their spouse, they will simply ask that question and then listen.

This is exactly what happened to me earlier today.  I noticed Keith responded to something positive I shared with him in a less than enthusiastic manner.  So the first thing I did was ask myself the above question.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it so I simply posed the question to him.  

As it turns out, a response I’d given him in a discussion earlier in the morning disappointed him.  And by asking the question, we were able to naturally segue-way back to our conversation from the morning and, this time, to end with a resolution that worked for the hubby much better.

The second thing I’ve noticed with couples who have conflict resolution down packed, is many of them have a cue.  When out in public, they have a private cue between one another that lets the other know if they’ve said something (unintentionally) that may have bothered the other or hurt their feelings.  

This cue is something that would have been helpful last night when I did something while at a dinner with friends that bothered Keith a bit.  I didn’t catch his “hinting” at it which in turn became our discussion this morning.

It was then that I realized we’d not put into place something I’ve seen couples successful in conflict resolution institute.  So immediately, we came up with a cue either of us could give to the other that would keep us from seeming as though we are attempting to control or correct the other, but would also allow us to course correct in the midst of a conversation when others are around.

We’ll celebrate 10 beautiful years together in just a few weeks and yet instituting something like this is new to us.  Just goes to show, it’s never too late to continue learning the little things that allow you to take your marriage from great to extraordinary.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Single people have sex more than married couples, right?  Wrong.  I’ve heard this inaccuracy quoted over and over again, in spite of the myth being refuted more times than I can count.  So this begs the question.  Is it the Al and Peggy Bundys or Lisa (and Ken) Vanderpumps of the television world that cause us to believe this constantly debunked myth about marriage and sex?

I thought about that question several times last week after a chance encounter with an unmarried couple who were darn near having sex in public (much to the displeasure of those nearby).

I attended a birthday gathering for one of my closest friends at a hot springs spa in Corona, California.  This certainly was not a unique idea as there were dozens of all-women groups enjoying the acres of land filled with pools, jacuzzis, mineral baths, and everything else one might desire at a spa resort.

There weren’t many men there but one in particular caught our eye.  For one, it seemed as though he was filming a soft porn movie with his girlfriend right before our very eyes.  Role playing, feeling each other up and doing a few things Keith and I would only dare do in the privacy of our own home (hotel, etc).

We all decided to turn away but couldn’t help but chuckle anytime we accidentally caught a glance of this couple. It felt like we were in the middle of a prank-style television show.  Maybe we were all getting Punk’d!

During one of our group spa experiences, in an area called the Grotto, the couple began suggestively rubbing a body treatment on one another from head to toe.  At one point, the guy became so engrossed in their seductive dance that he knelt down in front of his companion, placed his head in a very interesting location, and a woman standing nearby absolutely lost it.

“Do that kind of stuff in your own house!  We didn’t pay money to come see you and your girlfriend make out!”

An argument ensued between the two strangers and raised to a feverish pitch when he egged her on with, “What’s your problem?  Are you not in a relationship or something?”

“I’m married!” she adamantly replied.  ”Oh, well that explains it,” he countered.  ”I hear married people don’t have sex.”

Let’s just say, that comment didn’t go well with all the married women nearby.  The experience was not relaxing, to say the least.  But it did get me to thinking, Where in the world did that rumor begin?

As it turns out, nearly every public study on this subject has concluded that those in marriages have sex on average more than our single counterparts.  According to a study by Newsweek, 15-20% of married couples have a sexless marriage.  That number is indeed much higher than it should be (my goodness are they missing out on a good thing).  But it’s clearly not the norm.  

There are plenty married couples who have learned the art of exploring each other’s bodies and the gift of pleasing one another.  And for those who haven’t, Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman, is a gold mine.

I’m still not sure where this myth about only single people having sex came from but let’s just say, when you come by my home, if the house is a rockin’ don’t bother knockin’.

QUESTION: Have you heard this myth stated before?  How did you respond?  (NEW: You can now leave comments on this page – just scroll down and click the Comments button)

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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How often do you refresh your marriage?  By refresh, I mean a conscious decision to check in with your spouse about your marriage and then initiate a rebooting or cache-clearing of sorts (just as you might your computer).

There are so many similarities I’ve found among the happily married couples I’ve interviewed over the years and one of my favorites is their consistency in beginning each day anew.  They do not take for granted that the love they shared yesterday will be enough to carry them through today.  Grateful for their spouse and all they do, and sharing that with them on a daily basis, seems to be a staple in happy households.

On the flip side, one of the greatest similarities I’ve seen among unhappy couples is forgetting that -just like a computer- a marriage must be refreshed regularly to perform optimally.  Now, I realize It might seem a bit odd to compare marriage to a computer, but between my internet start-up company and the Happy Wives Club I’m on my computer more than 85 hours per week, so I spend more time online than I do off.

So what does a rebooting or refreshing look like offline?  Early each morning, Keith and I carve out about an hour to sit with one another and enjoy a cup of coffee (him) and tea (me) to talk about anything that comes to mind.  During this daily engagement, we check in with one another and ensure we are supporting each other in the best way possible.  

As you can imagine, it is often difficult to set this time aside but we have experienced its positive impact in our marriage so we’ve learned the importance of making the time.  It serves as our daily “refresh.”  Then once a week, we shut down all our business dealings for our day of rest.  It is on this day weekly that we do a full reboot. 

If there was anything we were disappointed with (either in one another or in separate aspect of our lives) that we had not shared earlier in the week, we make sure to share it on this day.  If we need greater support in the upcoming week (or felt as though we didn’t get the amount of support we needed in the previous week), this is the time to talk about it.  

The ups, the downs, the good and the not-so-great -every week, like clockwork- we share it with one another.  We bottle nothing inside or sweep anything under the rug.  And we’ve found one of the best times to have challenging conversations is during this period of renewal.  We exhibit a greater amount of patience and more quickly find ourselves on the same page when our discussion is not rushed. 

So go ahead, try refreshing your marriage daily and rebooting it weekly for a nice boost to your marital relationship.  

QUESTION: So tell us, what do you do to refresh your marriage? (NEW: You can now leave comments on this page – just scroll down and click the Comments button)

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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