Author Archives: Cheri Gregory

About Cheri Gregory

Cheri Gregory is a Certified Personality Trainer; contributor/co-author of a dozen books, including Wired That Way and 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids (with Kathi Lipp); and frequent speaker for MOPS groups, women's retreats, parent workshops, and educational seminars. She holds an M.A. in Leadership and is working on her PhD. Cheri has been "wife of my youth" to Daniel, a pastor, for over a quarter-of-a-century; they have two college-aged kids. She blogs about expectations, “baditude”, and hope at CheriGregory.com/blog.

6 Scientific Questions to Ask About Your Marriage

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I am a research junkie. There are few things I love to do more than dive into stats and numbers.

People are always shocked when I tell them I’ve never read a novel (at least not that I can remember).

In the 80s, when I was required to read novels in school (think Uncle Tom’s Cabin), I’d head to the bookstore and pick up those yellow and black workbooks I loved so much (aka Cliff Notes).

I could never seem to work my way through a novel but I’d happily sit in the hallway, on the second story of our home, and read through the Britannica collection sitting on the shelves.

My parents and I had a a contentious relationship (that’s putting it mildly) because I only responded to fact. So when they’d tell me something was so because they “said so,” you can imagine how well that went.

Now, that I’m older, I still can’t seem to make my way through a novel, love nonfiction and can plug numbers into Excel spreadsheets for hours on end without ever getting bored (which came in handy as a hotel general manager).

Needless to say, awesome posts like this one from Cheri Gregory make me a do a happy dance! Enjoy (I sure did ).

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

_____________

I love research.

Sure, some people manipulate statistics to “prove” whatever they want.

But I love solid studies about relationships. To me, they’re an easy way for me to learn how to have the best marriage possible. (I’ve already paid enough tuition to the school of hard knocks!)

I’m not saying that we should slavishly adhere to every conclusion generated by every study. Each couple and relationship is unique.

But some statistics can be valuable tools for reflection and, as needed, recalibration. Here are six questions, based on scientific research, that I keep in the back of my mind:

1. Is our ratio of positive-to-negative interactions at least 5:1? If not, why? Sometimes our ratio drops because we’re in a difficult spot in our marriage. Other times, it drops because we’re going through a tough season of life. Either way, conscious attention to this ratio helps me be more intentional about adding more positivity to my words and actions.

2. Are we averaging an hour (or more) a day together? During some seasons, this was all-but-impossible. But we kept it in mind as our goal. We didn’t want to settle for 15 minutes becoming the new normal for our marriage. Now that our kids are out of the house, we are eagerly “making up for lost time” because we’ve hung on to the belief that more time together is better.

3. Do we communicate respect even when we disagree? Of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” of destructive marital communication, the worst is contempt. Gottman calls it the “single greatest predictor of divorce.” Since we want the opposite of divorce, we aim for the opposite of contempt. We consciously express respect, even (or should I say especially!) when we’re at odds with each other. (This is vital for me: I tend to be very sarcastic, and sarcasm easily comes across as contempt.)

4. Have we laughed together today? Laughter triggers the release of happy hormones in our brains, counteracting stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol. Daniel constantly tells me, “You’re just so dang funny!” which, of course, only encourages me to crack more silly jokes and look for the funny flip side in every difficult situation. When neither of us can muster up a laugh, we watch favorite comedy videos together to remind us how much fun it is to laugh. (Bonus: #4 double-dips with #1!)

5. When was the last time we walked down memory lane? Playing the “Remember when…?” game often gives a much needed redirection to our focus.

“Remember when we lost 5th gear on the Accord one hour into a ten-hour drive?”
“Remember when we brought home a second cat and the two of them fought all night long…all over our bed?”
“Remember those bargain brand blueberry muffin mixes we used to buy, with blueberry-flavored “bits” instead of berries?”

Reminiscing is a powerful bonding activity. It reminds us why we got together in the first place and how much history we’ve built together.

6. What’s something new we can try together? Daniel and I have finally found a way to exercise together: While he goes on a 3-hour bike ride, I drive to his destination and wait to pick him up. Okay, so maybe this doesn’t quite qualify as “exercising together,” but it is something new that we’re enjoying immensely. While he rides, I hang out at Starbucks and write; then, we enjoy lunch together and head home. While we love the many comfortable routines of our relationship, intentionality with newness keeps our routines from becoming ruts.

A few free downloads for you:

From Happify: The Science Behind a Happy Relationship
Printable from Cheri: “Bragging on My Beloved” gratitude journal

What questions do you ask to keep your marriage happy?

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book line none other.

3-Day Challenge: The Perks of Becoming a Complaint-Free Wife

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Have you ever sat around listening to a wife complain about all the things wrong in her life and marriage and thought, “You have a great husband? You have a life others would die for?”

Sometimes, as Cheri Gregory beautiful articulates in this post, complaining can be on auto-pilot. It was a part of our lives prior to marriage and it just came right on in like an invited guest the moment we said I do.

Complaining is not problem-solving and true problem-solving rarely involves complaining.

Even the happiest among us can fall into the trap of complaining and what we are generally doing in that moment is keeping us from finding the solution our heart desires.

Give this complaint-free challenge a try for 3 days and then come back and let us know how it impacted your life and marriage. Can’t wait to hear all about it!

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

___________

Every January for the last seven years, I’ve taken the Complaint-Free Challenge: one whole month without complaining.

Of course, this has not meant ignoring legitimate problems. Will Bowen, author of A Complaint-Free World, makes a clear distinction between complaining and problem-solving. Complaining is making energetic statements focused on the problem at hand rather than the resolution, while problem-solving is speaking directly and only to the person who can resolve the issue.

Complaint-Free: Who Me?

The first time I tried the Complaint-Free Challenge, I discovered how rarely I used true problem-solving techniques. My mouth seemed set on negative auto-pilot. I griped endlessly out of habit rather than choosing my words with care.

To become more aware of my complaining tendencies, I started each day with a purple “Complaint-Free World” bracelet on my left wrist. Each time I caught myself complaining, I changed the band to my other wrist.

I soon became conscious of one specific complaining habit involving my husband.

Every time Daniel came into my home office, I’d stop working and start complaining. This habit was so automatic that the moment I’d hear him walking downstairs, I’d feel irritated and find something wrong to report the moment he walked in.

This is ridiculous! I thought. What’s going on here? Why do I drop what I’m doing and fabricate a complaint whenever Daniel appears?

Finally, after some soul-searching and a good laugh at my own expense, I realized what I was doing:  

I was trying to reconnect with my husband.

We’d been apart for a while, and I was trying to re-engage with him. Of course, the method I was using was counterproductive; my complaints often resulted in disagreements or Daniel retreating in haste.

Once I recognized my true desire, I tried a new approach. I replaced all my complaints with one simple word:

“Hi!”

It worked like a charm.

3 Reasons I Aim to be Complaint-Free Wife

1. I am more pleasant to be with. Daniel stops by to see me far more frequently, and with far less trepidation!

2. I am happier. I’ve found that what I hear, I take to heart. And since I hear myself 24/7, complaining words and thoughts cause a cacophony of “baditude” in my heart. Less complaining has created space for peace, quiet, and contentment.

3. I’m more grateful. I used to think that I’d get around to gratitude when I didn’t have so much to complain about. When I intentionally quit complaining, I suddenly had time to notice and point out all the good. The more appreciation I expressed, the more I noticed things for which I was grateful. As gratitude became my new default, complaining naturally died off.

I recognize that going complaint-free isn’t for everyone. But I’ll tell you from experience that each time I take the Complaint-Free Challenge, I become more the happy woman–and happy wife–I most want to be.

A Couple of Complaint-Free Resources:

Free eBook: Break Free from “Baditude”
Free printable: ”Bragging on My Beloved” gratitude journal

Ready to try the Complaint-Free Challenge? 31 days is a long commitment…how about starting with just 3! What could you learn about your complaining habits with your husband by choosing to be complaint-free for the next 3? (Come back on in 3 days and let us know what you discovered!)

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

4 Ways to Pick Great Gifts for Your Husband’s Personality

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I’ve long been fascinated with personality traits. So much of what we do, how we react to certain situations, were based on predispositions.

When I was young, I’d hear, “She’s got a whole lot of personality!” That was to say, I was strong-willed, hard headed and liked being right.

Some traits are learned. Others are innate.

Taking various personality tests helped me understand how I was wired and how to build upon my strengths while improving my weaknesses.

What I love about this post and what Cheri Gregory does is she studies personalities for a living and tells us how to use that information to create and live the life we desire most.

And in this post, based on The Four Temperaments (take free quiz here), she shows you how to choose great gifts for your husband’s personality.

Until tomorrow…make it a great one!

____________

As newlyweds, Daniel and I made a point to relax together on the couch each evening.

While we caught up on each other’s day, I’d rub his neck, and he’d give me a foot massage.

One day about six months into our marriage, Daniel stopped mid-sentence, got a quizzical look on his face, and asked, “Do you prefer foot massages or neck rubs?”

“Neck rubs,” I responded, confused.

Then the light bulb went on.

I asked him, “Which do you prefer?”

Sure enough!

“Foot massages,” he replied.

Armed with new knowledge, we switched: I started giving him foot massages, and he started giving me neck rubs.

We were happier on two levels.

As receivers, we were now getting what we most wanted. And as givers, we knew for certain that what we were giving was greatly valued.

Making the Personality Connection

Selecting Christmas gifts that match your husband’s personality type can give this same mutual satisfaction.

Gifts that connect with your husband’s personality goals and emotional needs are likely to be received as highly practical. And on a deeper level, they demonstrate your understanding and respect of who he is as a person.

Here are some quick guidelines and ideas to get started:

Sanguine: the Popular Personality

Goal: Fun

Needs: Attention and Approval

Gift Ideas:

Comedy DVDs to watch and laugh at together;
Invitation for a “Mystery Trip” together (to a fun destination);
A ridiculous gag gift.

Melancholy: the Perfect Personality

Goal: Perfection

Needs: Sensitivity and Order

Gift Ideas:

Organizational device for some area of disorder in the house;
“Quiet Coupons” he can use when he needs silence and solitude;
A book that combines key interests (i.e. the effect of music on the brain)

Choleric: the Powerful Personality

Goal: Control

Needs: Achievement and Appreciation

Gift Ideas:

The latest does-it-all gadget;
An engraved pen and pencil set (for making and checking items off lists);
A customized World’s Best Husband award

Phlegmatic: the Peaceful Personality

Goal: Peace

Needs: Self-Worth and Comfort

Gift Ideas:

A cushy beanbag chair or comfortable blanket for chillaxing;
A CD of a favorite musician or genre of music;
Coupons for “Movie Night” at home (complete with his favorite home-made snacks).

The One-Size-Fits-All Gift

Write, print, and frame a list of things you love about your man.

If he’s Sanguine, be sure to include the ways he makes you smile and laugh.
If he’s Melancholy, list how he makes your life better.
For a Choleric, focus on all he does for you.
And for a Phlegmatic, note the ways he keeps you on an even keel.

Personality Resources

Free eBook: Top 10 Priceless Gifts for Each PURSE-onality that Don’t Cost a Dime
Videos: “You’ve Got PURSE-onality!”
Audio: De-LIGHT-full Giving in a Weighty World

What ideas would you add to these lists?

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

Miserable to Happy Wife With One Simple Change

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On our Facebook community page, more than 400,000 of us inspire one another daily through positive messages, quote memes and anything else that encourages happy and loving marriages.

But every now and again, I’ll get a message that reads something like this, “Why are you always focused on us?! Why don’t you tell our husbands how they can love us better?!”

My response is usually some variation of, “Because you’ve come to the Happy Wives Club. It’s a community of women. Don’t think there are many husbands hanging out here.”

But more importantly, as I always remind them, there is only one person we can change. When you point your finger at another, there are still three fingers pointing back at yourself. And such is life.

For those of you who are already happily married, you may not find this article very useful. But I bet you know someone who will so my request is that you’d scroll to the bottom and click “share.”

I want to make sure all those who want to be happy in their marriage, and are committed to taking that first step, read this post written by our fabulous HWC contributor, Cheri Gregory.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

____________

Confession: I haven’t always been a Happy Wife.

For years, I was the reigning president and sole member of “The Most Miserable Wife Club.” Nobody brought gifts to my pity parties and the entertainment was terrible!

I was sure that my husband’s many problems were the cause of my unhappiness. So I spent my days mulling and stewing over them.

Daniel had a problem with over-reacting to poor drivers. He’d talk at them while they were in front of him and then mutter about them long after he’d passed.

Even worse was his spices-should-be-alphabetized problem. He blamed me when he reached for cayenne pepper but ended up with nutmeg in his chili.

Then there was his serious lack of sociability problem. He preferred to stay home –– “Just the two of us, Babe!” he’d say –– rather than attend potlucks or parties together.

I tried for more than a decade to solve “my husband’s problems” by whining about them and waiting for him to change. I expected my misery to motive him.

Unfortunately, I was labeling my own personal preferences and expectations as “my husband’s problems”. This was not beneficial nor helpful to our marriage at all.

Have you ever done that?

Reading books like Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman and Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, I discovered that what I’d been calling “my husband’s problems” were not his problems after all.

They were mine.

The real problems were (1) my reactivity and (2) my reluctance to take personal responsibility. So, I practiced reframing “my husband’s problem” as

“my problem with my own anxiety when I’m a passenger and feel out of control.”

“my problem with interpreting a reasonable request for order as a personal attack.”

“my problem with expecting someone else to take care of my socializing needs for me.”

As I started recognizing my personal preferences and expectations –– and taking responsibility for my reactions and needs –– “my husband’s problems” vanished one-by-one!

With my vision no longer obscured by irritation, I began to notice Daniel’s myriad strengths and see all the positive contributions he was making to my life.

I finally felt free. To enjoy my man. To be fully present in our marriage. And to give my husband the gift of a happy wife.

The best is yet to come!

Cheri @Anchoring Hearts in Hope

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.