Changing the Conversation

By Fawn Weaver on Monday, January 2, 2012

Changing the Conversation

I just had a thought.  It’s a grand thought.  But a doable one.  When I began HWC in 2010, it was meant to be an antithesis for a world fascinated by divorce, one that seems to be okay with dysfunctional portraits of marriage being portrayed as the norm in nearly every form of media, and has made walking away from a lifetime commitment after just a few months acceptable.

It wasn’t the report by Pew Research or subsequent articles like this one in the Washington Post reminding us of the cost to society when marriages decline.  My purpose was far more simplistic.  It was the disgust I felt in the pit of my stomach every time I watched a television ad for Desperate Housewives or each time Bravo television rolled out another “Real Housewives” series which depicted the poorest of marriages as normal and turned wives into caricatures.

It came from a desire to know the marriage I’ve enjoyed all these years is not extinct.  That it’s not an anomaly.  I wanted to know I wasn’t the only one who didn’t feel like marriage was supposed to be difficult; a daily grind.  I hoped there were other women who loved marriage as much as I did and adored their husbands as much as I still do.

But yesterday morning, on the first day of the new year, I had a thought.  I shared it with Keith.  What if, in every corner of the world, there were women like me?  Women who were proud of their marriage and didn’t boast or brag about it to others but simply didn’t hide it.  In conversations when other women were male bashing, rather than shrinking back and remaining silent, spoke up about the beauty of men and the blessings of our differences.

What if one million women, around the world, decided they were going to change the conversation within their inner circles?  They wouldn’t disregard the challenges many of their girlfriends are having but would simply take the time to show the other side.  The good stuff.

I believe in the power of words.  I believe if you wake up in the morning and say you are going to have an extraordinary day, it happens.  I believe when you not only set a goal but are determined to achieve it and will not allow your mind or words to say otherwise, you will succeed.  I believe a man is exactly as he thinketh.

I’ve watched it happen right before my eyes.  Girlfriends who have loathed their marriage and had nothing positive to say about their husbands, decide to do nothing different but focus on the good.  When speaking to their girlfriends and family, they’d only share the good stuff.  I bet you can guess what happened over time.

They began to experience more of the “good stuff” until that’s almost all there was remaining.  Of course, they still have some ups and downs, but that is a natural part of life.  Every aspect of life.  But they’ve changed the most important relationship in the world, they’ve increased the bond with their partner for life, their husband.

Just one simple change: their mindset.  And with one simple adjustment: their words.  They’ve completely changed their marriage.  Every bit of it.  Can you imagine what would happen if our Club grew to 1,000,000 members who all changed the mindset of just one friend?  Who through sharing their own experience in marriage, were able to convince one friend to focus on the good?  To get them to do something I once heard said, “Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your spouse. Then write a list of your spouses positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the lists and reread them frequently.”

In doing this, we will be changing the conversations of at least one million more women who will change the conversations of another million women and the conversations changed will be endless.  And then the stats we’ve heard for the past 25 years, some of which are quoted below, can also change.  Not just in the US, where these quotes originated, but around the globe:

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- “The effects of the decline of marriage on society are striking. The failure of parents to marry and stay married leads to more crime, poverty, mental health problems, welfare dependency, failed schools, blighted neighborhoods, bloated prisons, and higher rates of single parenting and divorce in the next generation. Nearly every major social problem has deep roots in the failure of adults to form and sustain healthy marriages.” -Bill Doherty, 2006

- “You need only do three things in this country to avoid poverty – finish high school,
marry before having a child, and marry after the age of 20. Only 8 percent of the families
who do this are poor; 79 percent of those who fail to do this are poor.” -William Galston, White House Administration

- “The collapse of marriage is the principal cause of child poverty in the United States. . . Overall, some 80% of long-term child poverty in the United States is found among children from broken or never-formed families.” -Robert Rector, 2003

- “The United States Administration for Children and Families (ACF) spends $46 billion per year operating 65 different social programs. If one goes down the list of these programs… the need for each is either created or exacerbated by the breakup of families and marriages.” -Wade Horn, 2004

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As Diane Sollee, founder of Smart Marriages once said, “They say it takes a village to raise a child. That may be the case, but the truth is that it takes a lot of solid, stable marriages to create a village.”

Together, let’s change the conversation.  I’m in!  We may not get to 1,000,000 wives in 2012, but with the current ongoing trend of 150-300 new women joining this Club daily, we’ll get there.  And with you continuing to spread the word, we’ll get there even faster.

So here’s my question for you: Are you in?  Will you help us change the conversation about marriage around the world?

Until tomorrow, my friends…make it a great day!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club
Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • Fawn Weaver

    We didn't set out to change the conversation around the world, but it seems as though that's where we're headed and I'm just happy to be a part. So happy you are too!

  • Aladrian

    I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. There. I said it. I meant it. I mean it. Fawn, you're right about the power of words, even simple ones. Any time we say yes and mean it, change occurs immediately, even if only in our minds and hearts. Actually, that is never the case: change occurs in our bodies as well, positive change, the moment we make positive affirmations and mean it. After that, follow-through becomes a lot easier. The conversation has just changed even more – more declarations of how wonderful my husband is and how glad I am to be his wife, to anyone who will hear. Why not? And, why not now? I think I'll declare it to more than one to increase the exponential growth of this thing you started.

    Here's my first declaration: my wonderful husband Ronn is the best man I could've dreamed of marrying. He loves me just because and he's proud to call me his wife. He admires me, respects me, and treats me well. I didn't marry him just for that but it sure is good. God has brought us a long, long way over the years and I'm grateful. It all started with a commitment he made to God and to me. What a blessing to be with a man who hasn't made an idol of fear of commitment. I am grateful.

    Thanks, Fawn. This is good. Anyone else?

  • Fawn Weaver

    I love this, Aladrian! Love it! And I know you're going to change the conversations around you with great intention. That's one more corner of the world we're reaching. Thanks, Aladrian!

  • JSW

    COMPLETELY IN!!!!

  • Fawn Weaver

    Yeah!! Thanks, JSW!

  • http://www.shannonyvette.com Shannon Yvette

    Fawn, very powerful and MOVING. I appreciate you going deeper into the reality of WHY we need to stand up for marriage. I have struggled with guilt in those "male bashing" conversations. "God, why did you bless me with such an awesome man?"

    When we share the goodness, beauty and safety that love has provided in our lives, we give another woman or man hope. "Two is better than one." And I appreciate your passion, heart and binding commitment to ELEVATE the conversation. This blessed me, it changed my mind and heart. Bless you sister, what you are called to do is NOT easy, but somebody has to do it, so glad you are shining the light!

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    Thank you, Shannon! It doesn't feel hard but maybe that's just because it's what I'm passionate about. Thank you for joining us in elevating the conversation!

  • Angie M.

    Donald Miller said recently that in a marriage, you have the power to dignify or bring lack of dignity to your spouse everywhere you go, because you represent your spouse. What a great responsibility! Like a lot of things, speaking of your spouse in a positive way is a CHOICE, a daily decision. Thanks for this challenge. I'm in! :)

  • Kai Pineda

    I will continue to stay in the conversation as a woman who is happy and blessed in her marriage. I pray we start a fire in the hearts of other married women. I love it!

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    @Angie- I love that! Well said. Thanks, Kai. I know you're in! :)

  • Christy Joy

    I'm jumping in with both feet! So…should I start with a few cold calls?

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    Christy Joy- That made me laugh out loud! No cold calls necessary. You're too funny.

  • Paula

    I completely agree and I am in! While I also believe you can and should brag on your spouse, you do not have to do it in an arrogant or boastful way, but can still communicate it in a very positive and uplifting way. We have no problem bragging about our children, how much better to brag on your spouse? I absolutely love it when my husband comes home and tells me, "Yeah, I was bragging on you today to so-and-so". He is a man that is NOT afraid to tell anyone and everyone how much he loves and adores me. And that is an AWESOME feeling and one of the reasons I am a happy wife! :-)

  • http://www.fitmomsfitkidsclub.com Annett @ Fit Moms Fit Kids Club

    I am in!!!! I agree that the more conversations we have the more people will believe a good marriage is possible. Sometimes when even barely talking about our happy marriage I can see disbelief on people's faces. I don't know if that's only because they don't hear the good that often??? We really need a million or more positive conversations going on around the world to make a difference. I believe we need to be culture makers. A culture of good positive marriages. Let's do this ladies!

  • http://evenminds.com Jason Anthony

    I think a lot of people (men and women) have, unfortunately, come to the conclusion that unhappiness is just "the way it is" or the way of life. They couldn't be more wrong and if they committed to making that tiny little shift or adjustment, big changes could be made for the better. Glad to see you and like minded individuals stepping up and taking action, Fawn.

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Paula- You are SO right! I never thought about it that way. It is perfectly acceptable to brag about our children to others and it be considered positive. But when we do that regarding our husbands or marriage, we're looked at funny. We need a culture change. @Annett- Your comment just got me fired up. Love it! @Jason- I love it when you stop by because so few men do but I love hearing from the men out there too! Thank you all for joining in to change the conversation.

  • http://www.theseifveofmineplustwo.net Kasey

    This is the kind of revolution the world needs! You are completely right…when we focus on the good we ended forgetting about the not-so-good. Small pet peeves that were once a big deal, fade as our love grows! I'll be glad to help in this effort!

  • http://ournewlywedchronicles.blogspot.com Theresa Ordell

    Girl – my favorite part is "One simple change: mindset!" I pray that as you continue in your fight against such a diabolical enemy known as Divorce that many will be saved from their own fear of change and social conditioning from generations and a lack of knowledge.

    In the words of Tom Skinner, Continue to continue!

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Kasey- Thank you for helping us in this effort! And I'm so happy to changing your mindset also changed your marriage. I had the same experience with pet peeves. When you start focusing on the good, those pet peeves become leaves in the wind. Always passing by but never staying long. @Theresa- Thank you! Divorce is a diabolical enemy, isn't it? Great description. Thanks!!

  • http://www.moniquezackery.blogspot.com Monique

    Fawn, I'm in!!!! I love my husband and I love being married. I could sit here all day writing about how blessed I am to have him. Most people look at me and say "she's so young. I bet she's only happy in marriage because she's a newlywed." But that's not the case. This year we will have been together for nine years and we are even happier than when we first began. I'm down to change the conversation. :) Let's make a difference!

  • Fawn Weaver

    What's funny is I'm 35 and I get the same, "Ah, she's so young and cute" type of responses. When they don't have another explanation for your happiness they simply shrug it off and attempt to make you feel small. But that's okay, just keep enjoying your marriage and join us in our quest to change the conversation about marriage. Thanks, Monique!

  • http://www.freesathi.com Divya

    Your blog interest me with topics you wrote. I am happy to visit your blog and explore women friendly topics. Thank you so much for sharing, please keep it up.

  • Martha

    No matter how hard the struggle…marriage, fidelity, and respect for my husband have my vote!

  • Fawn Weaver

    Awesome, Martha! They have my vote too :) . Thank you so much for taking the time to not only stop by but to leave a comment. I truly appreciate it.

  • http://www.drylandswimming.blogspot.com Isabel

    I'm in, too! It's never been hard to talk about how blessed i feel that my husband is a part of our lives. He is a good man, a strong, caring man and he makes not only my life, but my daughter's life, so much richer in love.

    I do love this quote you gave from Diane Sollee:

    "They say it takes a village to raise a child. That may be the case, but the truth is that it takes a lot of solid, stable marriages to create a village."

    My husband and i giggle sometimes that there should be a "love/respect/honor" test before folks get married to at the very least, get men and women to think about how serious marriage is and how much devotion, love and care it takes. Anyone, it seems, can GET married, but STAYING married is where the love and the challenges come in.

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    Yeah!! Thanks, Isabel, for joining us in changing the conversation about marriage in your neck of the woods. As we see the tide change in the coming years with respect to how people refer to marriage, we'll know a bit of that started here. So excited to also be a part!

  • Casey

    Love this. I can tell you that it works, because a good friend changed me. I used to be a "husband basher" during the first couple years of marriage. Not to plead innocence, but all my friends talked that way about their husbands – I thought that's what it was supposed to be like. Then God moved us to a new city where I got plugged in to real Christian community for the first time, and for the first time my stories were not met with laughter and more stories, but with my girlfriends standing up for my husband. They would say that he really loved me and he was trying his best, or try to figure out what he was thinking/feeling that would cause him to act the way he did. From there, they would give me suggestions on how I could love him well, minister to him, etc. in those situations. At first their responses angered me ("how dare they take his side!") but over time they convicted me, shifted my mindset, and helped me to recognize my husband for the blessing he is. My marriage is awesome. My husband is awesome. I love him more now than ever and I am so ridiculously blessed to be married to him.

  • Kita P.

    I'm in and so proud to be part of a group that totally MAKES SENSE. Marriage really is good and sweet and comfortable.

  • Sandi

    I'm in! I was single for 40 years, and HATED to hear all the husband-bashing that went on among many of my friends and acquaintances. I had a couple of friends who were ALWAYS bragging on how great their husbands were, and they both had GREAT marriages. I vowed then that should I ever be blessed with a husband, I would endeavor to treat him with respectful words whether he was around or not. God brought him into my life 8 months ago, and I am and will continue to respect him with my words!

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Sandi- Congratulations! What's such a blessing about you being a part of both sides of the same conversation, you were able to make the determination that you'd always respect your hubby with your words and your marriage will be blessed because of it. And not just your marriage but those around you because they'll hear you speaking such positive words about marriage. You'll speak life into others and that's a beautiful thing.

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Casey- What a wonderful testimony! I love hearing that. I'm so happy you shared that because people don't realize how powerful words are, they don't recognize that life and death really are in the power of the tongue. I'm so happy you're surrounded by a solid group of women. I am too and it makes all the difference in the world. @Kita- Thank you! You were one of the first members of this Club and can you believe how much we've grown? Wow!

  • Kim

    Thank you Fawn. I am 23 years in a marriage to an amazing man who is my hero. We have a blended family and our commitment to each other and to them has made us a great family. It is hard work but he is for me and I am for him. I will join the movement because I believe it is a great movement and because it is good for me to be a part of elevating the conversation.

  • Fawn Weaver

    @Kim- Thank you! I can imagine how challenging it is to blend a family. And you've done it for 23 years – congratulations! Thank you for being a part of elevating the conversation about marriage with your friends and family. You may never know the lives you've touched as a result and the marriages you've lifted. But God knows. Excited you're a part!

  • Lauren H.

    I'm in, as well! I have to admit (and I can't help it) but I do brag about my adorable Husband! I love him very much, he is my best friend. On September 2, 2012, we celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary-in one respect it feels like we have known eachother all our lives and on the other, like we just met. I get butterflies, I get giddy and he still tells me that he worships me. I adore him, and would do anything for him. And I am proud that our daughters have that wonderful and loving environment in which they are growing up in. I pray they find the true love we have found. It is awesome!! Thank you for this blog. Many blessings!!!! <3

  • Cathy Pope-Hale

    RIGHT ON SISTA!!! The power of life & death – literally & figuritively — is in the tongue!!!! I've been in and I'm stayin' in!!!! Sharing…..

  • http://www.happywivesclub.com Fawn

    Thanks, Cathy, and especially for sharing!

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