7 Quick Ways to Empower Your Husband

By Byron Davis on Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Empower Your Husband

It’s not often that one of our husband’s write a post for the Happy Wives Club, but when they do, I’m always over the moon excited!

I don’t know if you’ve found this to be true, but I’ve noticed most men tend to have far fewer words to say than us wives (or is that just in the Weaver household? ;) ). But when they do say something, they try to make it count.

There’s no doubt that’s exactly what Byron Davis with LiveYourEpicLife.com is doing for us today.

And I have a feeling if my wonderful hubby, Keith, happens to stumble across this page tomorrow, he’s going to LOVE this post as much as I did. And hopefully, as much as you will too.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Okay ladies, I’m about to admit something that you probably already know - but us guys like to think you don’t (wink, wink):  

In general, guys like to pretend we are totally confident 100% of the time, but the truth is most of us are still little insecure boys (just with bigger toys).

Why am I admitting this to you? Allow me to let you in on another little secret: when you demonstrate to us that you believe in us, or show that you trust us to handle things that you care about, it actually empowers us to keep bringing our A-game to the relationship.

When we know that you are in our corner it actually triggers what behavioral scientist call our “protect and provide” instincts (otherwise known as the “hero gene”) and we can’t help but to let our best selves take the lead in our life.

You see, at any given moment we can be:

a. Our defeated self
b. Our average self or
c. Our best self

Believe it or not, what you say to us carries a tremendous amount of weight. It either builds us up or tears us down (you decide). No matter how much we puff out our chest at times, please don’t forget, how you empower us makes all the difference in the world.

With that said, here are 7 stealthy ways to empower your husband without him even knowing it:

1. Catch your man doing something right:  Ladies, you take multitasking to a whole new level. It amazes us men that you could be on the phone with your girlfriend, changing diapers, and doing the taxes all at the same time. Meanwhile we find it hard to locate the can of soup you asked us to put on the counter (we swear, the soup was not on that shelf when we looked for it).

When we actually get the little things right give us a high five or fist bump (don’t make a big deal out of it because you want to come across like you knew we could do it all the time). It truly does go a long way.

2. Pinch his butt:  Again, the power is in the subtlety. When you flirt with your man it reminds him that you think “he still has it.” Because men, generally speaking, are physical beings by showing that you still find him attractive it boosts his self esteem and increases his emotional connection with you.

3. Thank him for his dedication to the family:  While we can always do things better, when we are acknowledged for effort, and not just the outcome, it shows that you appreciate the stuff that went into making things happen. To turbo charge your influence with this tip, tie his efforts to how it positively impacts the family.

By doing this your man will feel even more motivated to increase his consistency and up his game.

4. Lob him a softball (ask his advice on something- make him feel like a hero): A super simple way to do this is to ask him a question about something he knows a lot about. When you do this and connect it directly to a problem you want solved, your man will feel appreciated and validated for the little things he brings to the relationship.

5. Initiate Sex More Often:  Ladies, this is a big one. No one likes to feel rejected. When your husband starts hinting that he’d like some “play time” with you please remember that for most men there was a lot of emotional ramping up before hand just to approach you. Even if you’ve been married to your husband for 30 years, please realize that he probably still must overcome the fear of rejection whenever he asks you the big question.

To offset this simple fact, initiate 1 out of every 4 or 5 times.

Guess what? He will always be amazed and it will never get old. When you take the initiative in this area from time to time, not only does it subtly reinforce in his mind what he means to you, studies show his confidence in other areas of life instantly increase as well.

6. Quote him to your friends:  My wife uses this one on me a lot, and it works like a charm every time. It’s one thing to share some advice that you got from an expert out of some book, but it’s a whole other thing entirely when the resident expert is you hubby.

Try it for yourself. The next time you are at a dinner party and you are engaging in small talk with another couple say something like, “my husband always says…” and watch how it lights him up. You’ll make him think that he’s the most interesting man in the world!

 7. Trust him with something he currently is convinced you don’t:  I saved the most potent, ninja technique for last. It just might require more confidence from you than you’ve given him in awhile. Look, we men get it; you are great at biting the bullet and getting stuff done. You are so good at it that in most cases you find it easier to just take it all on yourself.

You’ve learned that if you want to make sure it’s done, you’ll just go ahead and do it yourself. But, if you want to boost your man’s confidence and sense of contribution to the family, trust him to do something he knows you are a little afraid to let go of. Yeah he may have let you down in the past. I say that’s all the more reason to give him another shot.

When he realizes that something means a lot to you and that you trust him to accomplish it, it will cause him to tap into new wells of efficacy that take his game to the next level. Heck, he may even be surprised at just how good he could be.

YOUR TURN: Have any of these ninja tactics worked for you?  Do you know one I didn’t mention?  Let me know below and I can’t wait to see your responses.

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Happy Wives Club Book

 

THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book.  I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.  Guaranteed.

Byron Davis is a former American record holder, lifestyle career coach and the creator of the popular audio program Unleash The Unstoppable You. He helps people get clear on their passion and shows them how to make a living doing and sharing what they love over at LiveYourEpicLife.com and via his podcast.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are snarky, offensive, or off-topic. If in doubt, read My Comment Policy
  • Talbrwn

    You know, #7 defines me… I never looked at it that way, to go out on a limb and trust him after he’s messed it up in the past. Despite his mess ups, I still and always adore my husband but I can tell he feels bad when I get disappointed. His face tells it all. I’m thankful for your article, this is definitely an approach I can’t wait to try.

    Also, #5 is very true. I have been working on initiating sex for a while. My sex drive is non-existent compared to my husband’s haha So, this has been a personal goal that has been progressing very well. I always catch him by surprise and he loves it! His entire mood and body language is different for many days after his surprises.

    I am all ears to any suggestions and advice on strengthening my marriage in every aspect of the word and the physical/spiritual/emotional bond. Ladies, admit you don’t know it all! It can save you some mistakes and eventually your marriage.

    Be well and be blessed!

    • coachbyron

      Tallbrwn, thank you so much for sharing so openly.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh my goodness, yes! Admitting we don’t know it all or have it all together is a beautiful thing. On the #5, I read a book years ago that I highly recommend (and did wonders for my sex drive :) ). It’s called Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman. If you pick it up and give it a read, please let me know if it was also helpful for you.

      • Gaye @ CalmHealthySexy

        That book was a revelation to me when I first read it, Fawn!

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          You too?! So happy to hear I’m not the only one :) .

          • Lafaundah

            #2 is one I have to remind myself of often

    • coachbyron

      Thanks for sharing Talbrwn.

  • http://www.aterriblehusband.com/about/ ATerribleHusband

    Somehow I feel like I just stumbled into something I wasn’t supposed to read… :)

    Either way, totally agree. Great stuff, Byron!

    • coachbyron

      Thank you. It was fun to write and share.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      LOL! Well, if your wife visits the Happy Wives Club today, then she’ll stumble into the same thing and you’ll have to pretend you didn’t already read it :) .

  • Lauren Lawson

    All of those are great! Making note to work on all of these!

    • coachbyron

      Great Lauren. Believe me… they are simple but they all go a long way. Thanks for reading.

  • Kathy

    Great advice…..and very well put. Nothing stirs the soul like acceptance and appreciation. I know this and yet too often I forget. Thanks lots…….

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      The beauty is none of us are perfect; we’re just all working toward being our best selves. And it looks like you’re on the right path :) . Thanks for stopping by and posting a note, Kathy.

    • coachbyron

      We all do. Thank God for grace. I know I need it… often!

  • Annett Davis

    Great blog post sweetie! :) I love it! Thanks for always being transparent. Love you babe..
    Love Your VERY HAPPY WIFE.. :)

    • coachbyron

      You rock babe…

  • Sarah

    Wowweeeeee. I need to be so much better at a lot of these! What a great reminder, thank you!

    • coachbyron

      You’re welcome.

  • Melissa S. Burns

    I don’t know if this is a sneaky trick or not. My tip is to join your hubby in one of his hobbies. I play PS3 video games with my hubby. I don’t play all the games he likes but we do try to find some we can both enjoy. I feel that if I want him to do some of the things I like, then I should do things he likes. Great article. :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You are so right, Melissa! My husband is a coffee connoisseur. When we were first married, I kept giving him articles on how coffee wasn’t good for him (which is why I didn’t drink it). And then I realized, this is just something he truly enjoys and I shouldn’t try to change that. I then did research to see “how bad” it really was and learned that as long as we were drinking enough water, it wasn’t enough of a diuretic to matter. So I joined him in falling in love with coffee. And guess how we spend our mornings together now? Sipping on his favorite drink in the world. Small sacrifice on my part but it meant a lot to him. And it’s paid off in so many ways.

  • Gaye @ CalmHealthySexy

    These are great tips, Byron. Thanks so much for sharing them and encouraging us to practice them!

    • coachbyron

      Gaye, teamwork makes the dream work. We should all try to remember to treat our spouses like the MVP they truly are (both husband and wife alike).

  • Jordan

    All of these work! You have no idea how awesome your relationship will be when you let go of yourself and connect with your lover. I mean, especially the initiation of sex! I know my man really appreciates that. Just lay back and let him be the man of the relationship.

    • coachbyron

      Amen!

  • Sandi J

    This is great! For me, #5 is still difficult because I go through the same mental conversation to build up the courage and overcome my fear of rejection everytime I initiate. It’s done wonders for our marriage outside the bedroom & that is a major blessing because I absolutely love being physically close to him, like just being in his presence.

    Number 7… This is something I have got to pray about because I really do want to share the financial management with him. We got married in September 2013 & this is an area where I am so used to having to figure out how to make everything work on my own. I know this is the area the Holy Spirit is promoting me to let go & let him in on. I’ve been more open with him on this and he’s appreciated that. I just know there’s more I need to just let him handle, especially since we both have to be more mindful of where the money is being spent.

    • coachbyron

      Sandi, thanks for being so honest. Let me encourage you, it sounds like you really DON’T NEED TO PRAY about it any longer. Sounds like God has already given you direction in this area when you said, “I know this is the area the Holy Spirit is promoting me to let go & let him in on.” You even said that as you have been more open that he has appreciated that. It may be helpful to explore the internal reasons “letting go” seems difficult (fear, control, feelings of significance derived from being the one that manages the purse stings). Your last sentence tells me you already know what to do. I want to encourage you to, “cast ALL of yours cares (fears, concerns that hold you back from doing what you know would make God and your hubby smile) upon the Lord because he cares for YOU! (1 peter 5:7) You rock Sandi!

      • Sandi J

        I receive that!!! We actually talked about it yesterday & he explained that it doesn’t bother him at all that I handle the household finances, nor does he feel like I am controlling with it. He did encourage me & come up with ways we can both work on our spending. He also said he felt the same way I was feeling about revisiting our monthly budget. The best part was hearing him tell me how much he trusts me with the finances. I am blessed beyond measure that God brought us together.

        • coachbyron

          Sandi, that’s awesome! You both rock. God is good!

  • Lisa

    I love and agree with all the advice…except for one thing: my husband is much older than me (like, 29 years, and i’m in my late 40s), so his drive is pretty much nonexistent now. If I try to initiate any “play time” he gets all uptight and annoyed, like I should “know better.” So that makes it really difficult for me to be frisky and support him in that way. He isn’t even much for lesser-type playing around; to him it’s all or nothing, sadly. So this one is a tough one for me! :}

    • coachbyron

      Lisa, thank you for sharing. You bring up a very good discussion point. What if your man is in his 70′s or 80′s… and you are much younger? Can you still have a fulfilling relationship? While i am NOT a DR. nor do I want to pretend that I am, the short answer is YES! Quick anatomy lesson: Studies show that decrease in sex drive and capacity has far less to do with actual age and more to do with the internal fitness level and blood flow of the person. Without knowing too much about your husband, generally speaking, when sex drive and performance decrease in men (which happens to happen as we get older) there are three common reasons (all of which are reversible): 1. decrease in testosterone production levels 2. increase in “visceral fat” (fat around the belly, butt and thighs) 3. mental stress and performance anxiety. By changing ones diet and fitness protocol (for men getting the heart stronger and waist under 38 inches is a good rule of thumb), and embracing a more mindful, self awareness practice in their daily life (i.e. a rich prayer and meditation life), as the body heals itself every facet of the body rejuvenates (including sex drive and performance). Hope this helps a little. Here’s a helpful post from the HWC’s archive that could be useful to you as well: http://www.happywivesclub.com/what-to-do-when-your-husband-has-a-low-sex-drive/

  • Donavanese

    I’m a newlywed and these tips are right on time and will be timeless.

    • coachbyron

      Welcome to the club Donavanese. Make sure you come back and let us know how these tips worked for you. Congrats on your new journey together.

  • Blessed

    Related to #6….”Talk him up to your friends.” ie: “We thought the truck needed to go to the shop for repairs but hubby figured out the problem and got it on the road in a few hours–he can fix anything!” (Even if he protests that “It was nothing” you’ll see him stand a little taller.)

    • coachbyron

      Great observation, Blessed.

  • mathira

    Byron,
    An excellent perception about marriage from a man’s point of view. This is the simple trick to a happy married life. Wife should understand the viewpoint of her husband and husband should see things from the viewpoint of his wife.

    • coachbyron

      Mathira, i can’t agree more. Well said!

  • jasmine barriffe

    My husband is a strong believer in our Lord Jesus.I never cease to remind him of his love and trust in our Lord and Savior. I tell him how grateful for the upbringing that he had to have been taught the importance of serving the Lord from a very young age, and now he can effectively lead his family in the admonition of the Lord.I know that most definitely how much he appreciates me understanding that not even his wife can come between him and his Lord and Savior.
    Keep in mind all your seven ways mentioned above were very good and on point.How do I know because I reap the benefits of them all, but most importantly we must always put our Lord and Savior first in all that we do.

    • coachbyron

      Amen!

  • Carmen Child Barkan

    An excellent post – so excellent (and I have been so remiss in remembering these simple things), I’m considering a reminder tattoo! Anyhoo, I love #7, though it’s so scary to “let go”.

    A secret ninja trick on the female side that my husband has recently been putting into practice, is repeating what I’ve said to him in his own words, and asking if he’s heard me right (active listening). This recent mirroring has made me realize that I come on so strong when I don’t need or intend to! Or it has let me know that he has indeed heard me, and it has softened my heart and allowed me to feel held and heard instead of defensive. Awesome stuff. Thanks again!

  • Laura

    The real secret is that us women already know all of this, instinctively. We only act on these things if our partner makes it worth our time…

    • http://thegirlisfierce.wordpress.com Kristin Avril

      I think the key to a happy relationship is that we assume his happiness is worth our time. We don’t expect something in return for making him happy. It’s been my experience that when I make him happy, he does the same for me, not because I requested it, but because he genuinely wants to mirror the love I have shown him. When a relationship is damaged, sometimes it can be a long while before you see a return on investment. Don’t give up! Good luck. :)

  • Mandi Daphnie

    Hi, interesting tips and i’m sure it worked for others but what if i flirted, brag about him in front of him to friends and family, initiate sex mostly, making him feel he knows more about certain things and he being my hero can solve my problems still dont work!!!! My husband had no care or interest and we have been married a year and half now.

    • Kristin Avril

      Mandi Daphnie, I think these things are just a few ideas for keeping your hubby happy. Probably he has another need that is not being met. He may not even realize that himself. Perhaps you can try reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. That book has totally transformed my relationship with my guy. He may feel loved by acts of service or gifts–two of the love languages not mentioned in Byron’s article above. Try the book and the author’s suggestions for a few months and see if you notice any changes, and good luck!

    • coachbyron

      Mandi, first off I am so sorry to hear about this. Please share a little more if you feel comfortable. It sounds like there are some deeper issues that need to be addressed. The last thing I want to do is try to give you direct advice without having a little more context. Are you saying that you’ve tried all of these things already and his confidence in himself and care for you is still wanning?

  • kari

    If im wrong i would love to be, but if you are consistantly disappointed in your husband by the time and effort put into family time and and daily frustrated by him leaving the house during precious evening family time to endulge in selfish independent activities, how is telling him you appreciate his making family a priority going to help? Im under the impression it would only make him feel content with the effort put out. If im praising the effort then it must be sufficient effort. No?

    • NewToTheWifehood

      I’ve actually struggled with similar questions. If I praise and appreciate what he’s doing, will he not strive for better? What I’ve realized is that as a work in progress, my husband needs me to appreciate what he’s doing as well as let him know of areas that I’d like more. One issue we have is that all he ever wants to do in the evening after work is watch TV. I enjoy TV as well, but I don’t think it does anything for our relationship. So I try to figure out other things that he will enjoy as much or more than TV to capture his attention. Then I make a big deal out of it and thank him for doing that activity with me. It has helped a bit. I don’t know if any of that helps but I really do wish you the best.

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  • Lila

    I would add one more, a very important thing.
    Be happy! Nothing empowers your husband more than fact that you are happy. Truly, deeply and visibly happy in your life with him. That he is the one who makes you happy.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh, I love that, Lila! You’re so right.

    • Fadzi

      I love the ideas here. Great reminders. I do relate with some of them not just to make him feel good but because its true. I find that my mood sets the household mood. So yeah it’s important to try and be happy most times. 5 years later if i had to go back and choose a husband, i would grab him earlier. He is the best… God blessed my life with him.

  • http://thegirlisfierce.wordpress.com Kristin Avril

    Brand new around here–this is the second article I’ve seen (both from Pinterest), and I love the positive community you’ve built here, Fawn. You are a force for happiness.

    Byron, this is a wonderful article with lovely reminders. Thanks very much for the support!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yeah! Thanks, Kristin. So happy you found us :) .

  • R Smith

    No offense meant to anyone here, but do I really have to blow smoke up his bum to make him feel better about himself? He doesn’t compliment me or ask my advise and I don’t care because I rock everything I put my hand to. It’s not my fault that he’s failed at almost every task or responsibility related to our relationship and house projects.

    In every relationship, someone is the dominate, capable sort and someone is not as capable, more introverted and if they wanted to, could make a great helper/wing-man. It’s totally ok when the wife is the meeker personality and lacks confidence, but when the husband lacks confidence in themselves, we are to coddle them? I would like serious feedback from understanding people, but no “the wives role is to be a door mat”. Thanks!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I think the key here is less of being a doormat and more of following the golden rule. Loving him as he wants and needs to be loved, similar to you wanting to be loved just as you desire. The way men and women receive love is different, and from marriage to marriage it is different, so do what works best in your marriage.

      I am most certainly no doormat but I love and adore my man so building him up is my pleasure. He feels the same way about me (and he’s no doormat either). Hope this helps.

    • coachbyron

      R Smith, I feel your pain… No, I can really feel the pain in your words. It sounds like you’ve reached a point in your relationship where he’s let you down so many times, or has not supported you for so long that your hurt and pain has evolved into indifference and dismissal (you know in a … “I don’t need a man” sort of way). And then to read a post like this, where I’m asking you to pour unconditional love into him… It sounds unfair, and letting him off the hook. Please know, you should never have to be a door mat to any man. Demonstrating unconditional love comes from immense strength and fortitude. Especially when you know he does not deserve it. My hope for you and him is that you two can have an open, respectful, loving, and serious conversation where he can hear your heart (not the tone of contempt in your voice), but truly hear the pain and exhaustion that I hear screaming from your heart right now. R Smith, I pray that the both of you can build each other up. From the little you’ve shared here, it sounds like he’s very beat down too. If he’s failed at everything as you say, he’s probably existing in a state of numbness and may possibly be so broken that he doesn’t even trust himself to be the best version of himself for you. This sort of thing often causes a man to exhibit a lot of bravado, immaturity, and selfishness to mask his pain. You see… hurt people, hurt people! The truth is, it sounds like he’s really hurting too. Are you both open to counseling?

  • NewToTheWifehood

    Hmm, I wish my husband liked when I initiated sex. My doing so was actually the cause of his lack of desire. He said it seemed like all I wanted was sex. I know it’s not the norm, but I always get a little bummed out when I read that advice because it totally backfired on me.
    The rest of the ideas are awesome though!

  • Andrea W

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Happy Thursday!!! This is my 1st posting for 2015! =) Yea for me!!!! Five out of seven!!!! I’m doin’ GREAT!!!! I love to pinch my husband’s boo-tay!!!! N-joy HIS day!!!!!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      5 out of 7? You’re doing phenomenal Andrea!! Happy New Year to you too! <3

  • http://www.ForLadiesOnlyParty.com Nane Tolson

    Everyone wants to feel they are the apple of their partner’s eye! Great small tips that everyone should remember!