Creating the Marriage of Your Dreams (even when life begins as a nightmare)

By Fawn Weaver on Monday, May 19, 2014

Creating the Marriage of Your Dreams

For some, this will come as no surprise.  But for many, learning the happiness I enjoy in my life today was nowhere to be found throughout most of my childhood and teenage years, will catch them off guard.

It’s a story I don’t talk about often.  Not because I’m ashamed of my past or running from it.  Quite the contrary.  It rarely comes up in conversation because my current life bares no resemblance of my past.  

The wounds have long healed and the scars are so faded they are barely seen.

My wonderful circle of girlfriends (most of whom are proud card-carrying members of this Club) joined me on this journey of life 10 to 20 years ago.  So after I published my first book, and gave each of them a copy, they were floored.

Nestled around the center of the book, no more than a couple paragraphs long, they learned something about me they didn’t know.  

“When I reached that part of your book,” a host for Good Day Atlanta told me during a recent interview, “I had to go back and read certain parts all over again with fresh eyes.”

“All that time, I was reading it thinking you grew up happy-go-lucky and just continued that into your marriage.  And that couldn’t be further from the truth.”  

My closest girlfriends all began calling and texting me one by one, as they reached that part of the book, “Wow, I can’t believe you shared all that.”  Transparent was the word they used most.  The odd thing is, initially, I didn’t know what they were referencing.  I try to live my life as an open book so I assumed everyone close to me already knew.  But I quickly realized, only a few did.

Here’s the cliff notes version for those of you who don’t already know: rough teenage years, incredibly low self-esteem, attempted suicide twice, left home at the age of 15, dropped out of high school, and the list continues from there.  But that life -20 years ago- seems so far away because I decided 17 years ago that I would start anew.  I would build the life I desired, the one I believe I was placed here to live, and that’s exactly what I’ve done.

My husband, Keith, had an upbringing that was certainly no dream either; a nightmare really.  I won’t share much of his story as that’s not mine to tell.  But I will say this, his teenage years were spent planning an escape for he and his mother from his abusive father.  And once he finally succeeded in executing his plan (it took a few attempts), his childhood ended very quickly.  He became the man of the house while still in his teens.

When we came together as one, we were -and are- just two people on a journey, determined not to allow our past to write the future chapters of our lives.  A new chapter had begun.  And this one, we could write beautifully from the beginning.

For many, holding on to the past provides a safety net.  I was listening to an interview the other day of an unmarried celebrity who had been dating the same woman for close to 16 years and wouldn’t commit.  ”If you knew my upbringing…” he began to tell the host.  To which she replied, “Yes, but at what point do you stop allowing your past to dictate your future?”

I’m happy she posed that question.  The answer is now.  In this moment.  It’s not easy.  It takes faith (so much faith).  At times, it requires some gut-wrenching soul searching.  But it’s worth it.  The freedom is worth it.

The marriage of your dreams is in the now.  It is a daily effort to create and maintain a marriage so beautiful even the romance movies pale in comparison.

It takes consistent effort; building your dream brick-by-brick.  But when you stop allowing your past to interrupt your present, something magical happens.  That magic is a happy and complete you.  And a loving and whole him.

I’m not sure who I’m writing this for today.  It’s not necessarily a “happy” post.  But I’m hitting the “publish” button in hopes that it will inspire at least one person to -once and for all- leave their past behind and spend every future day building the greatest marriage they’ve ever witnessed.  If that person is you…I’m grateful you stopped by today.  If for no other reason, than to be reassured that a love like this still does exist…no matter how your life began.

YOUR TURN: If your life didn’t begin as a dream, but you’ve been building the marriage of your dreams, please share it here so others can be inspired by you.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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Fawn Weaver

Founder at Happy Wives Club
Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

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  • Rachel

    Love this! I grew up with a front seat to my parents’ tumultuous marriage, and was determined not to repeat it. Also suffered some abuse that left me with major trust issues. While dating, my hubby and I discussed in depth the things we wanted to avoid from our parents’ marriages. I rejoice to say we’ve kept that pact, and built a wonderful marriage. It is more peaceful and joyous than I imagined possible, and it’s a true haven. I thank God every day that I’ve had the opportunity to experience this. I’m glad that my sisters are finally able to see what a good marriage looks like and what to look for in a life partner. It’s true, though- I can hardly watch rom-coms anymore because they feel contrived and forced, but I get to live the real thing, so they don’t do anything for me anymore. Go figure…

  • Baby Mama

    I think it is the most simple and yet hardest thing to do – to stop facing your past, and to turn around and to start facing your future. I know that this is a daily battle of mine. One that I know and pray for God to give me victory in. But, I am so grateful for the people He has brought into my life, most of all my hubby. Because it is through my hubby’s gentle touch that I realized that I had a journey to make. And that I had to stop facing the past and start facing the future. The future that I wanted. Just turn 180 degrees – the view is much better facing forward. Thank you for an awesome post.

    http://babymamasblog.wordpress.com/2014/05/20/cultivating-gratitude-and-positive-thinking/

  • Tricia Goyer

    I LOVE this, Fawn! I was born to a single mom and I didn’t know my biological dad until I was 28. My mom married and divorce (and I found out about my divorce on my wedding day!) and then married again to someone I don’t get along with. When I got married myself, I was an 18-year-old single mom, but God brought an amazing man into my life who loved me and my son. We’ve been married 24 years now and our marriage is stronger than ever. We haven’t had a perfect marriage, but I’m in love with my husband more now than ever. There is hope!

  • KDorsey

    Thank you so much for this post, Fawn. For all of my adult life I struggled with relationships, failing miserably because I was living in the past – the past of watching my parents fail miserably in their own marriage. I finally have realized, I can only be happy if I move forward and live for NOW and live for the happiness of myself AND my children. I am so blessed to have married a man that keeps me PRESENT and looking FORWARD. Forgiveness is a lesson I’ve learned that has given me a whole new perspective on humanity and relationship success.

    • Annett Davis

      Such a great lesson. Forgiveness is a huge lesson, hard to learn, but man once you do it’s so rewarding. Congrats on your happy relationship now. :)

  • Heidi Reed

    Fawn, that was
    absolutely a word in due season for me.
    I really needed to hear that this morning. I thank you so much for your words. I was in a 20 year failed attempt (on both
    parts) at a marriage. I finally got
    myself together through counseling that continues today and the Grace of God
    that pushes me and motivates me to be a better wife, mother and friend. My life as an adult has been difficult, and much
    like you when friends hear of my childhood they are amazed at the person that I
    am today after the horrific abuse that I endured. I was blessed to find a man that accepted me
    for who I am and is willing to put up with my Inner Crazy Girl, as I like to call
    her. She is that hurtful voice that
    repeats the lies of my past. However, my
    husband is strong and loving and can quickly dispatch my fears and doubts. Unfortunately because of the hurts that I
    carry, along with hurts my husband carries from his past, we sometimes struggle
    to find a meeting place…. a common ground.
    I have been following the Happy Wives Club for some time now and I
    really do draw strength and solace from many of the posts, books and
    devotionals. Keep up your work…..it is a
    blessing!

  • Cammie Allen

    Thank you so much for your post. It was very much needed and it did inspire me.

  • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

    Thanks for sharing this, Fawn. I remember reading your book and getting to that chapter and thinking, “this will help someone who might think a happily-ever-after comes on a silver platter”. It’s such an important post, so encouraging to everyone cos it helps us understand that it doesn’t matter where you are/started, you can get to a better place. With faith and a (God-empowered) dogged determination, anyone can get to a better place. I am proof of that too. Thanks for this encouragement today.

  • MoonChild90

    I can relate to this wholeheartedly. My (our) story is much the same. I had to disconnect from my abusive family in order to change and focus on my own marriage and children; as adults, they show nothing but gratitude for that. At times I still feel lonely being ‘an orphan’, and often worry that my Husband gas a lot of responsibility. It’s still hard to accept sometimes that he feels I am worth it. We celebrated 24 years of ‘US’ yesterday. ‘US’ (and my children) is all I need. Thank you for publishing this post today. It has been a timely reminder just how far we have come together in our ‘new world’.

    • Annett Davis

      Wow, I love the 24 hours of ‘US’! What a great idea. Thanks for sharing @MoonChild90.

  • HappyWifeDeb

    I am one of the one’s your post is talking to today. I’ve hit a rough patch in life and it has taken over my brain it seems. I love and adore my husband very much. He does make me happy. However our daughter was hospitalized a few months ago and during the stretch of time we were staying with our infant daughter in the hospital depression set in and has been kicking my butt ever since. See my baby was breast feeding just like I have done with my other 3 children, only this time I was told to stop because of somethings in my diet were causing her health issues. I’ve been starting fights unintentionally and crying a lot. I am blessed I have an amazing husband. That being said. If someone can teach me how to get out of my own head and leave the past in the past please, please share with me how. I don’t want to continue like this. I married an amazing man who has done so much for me and our family. I don’t want to lose what we have. I feel I am pushing him farther and farther away. I’m kinda scared. Please help!

    • Baby Mama

      Just the fact that you know you have married an amazing man, and that pushing him aside has more to do with what you are going through than your actual marriage is a step in the right direction. But, you may need to consider seeing someone who can help you through this. Do not delay – and remember to always think positively and to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Even when you don’t feel like it, because the ripple of effects of doing that will ensure that your marriage will come out stronger on the other side. Thinking of you!

      • HappyWifeDeb

        Thank you for your words of encouragement and words of wisdom. I have been trying to stay positive as much as I can. I will be looking for a therapist ASAP! Take care and have a super blessed day!

    • K

      Dear Happy Wife Deb, Depression is very common and a lot of mom’s go through it. That said, it doesn’t make it any easier. Having a daughter in the hospital seems like it would be very scary and stressful. It sounds like you are a wonderful mom and wife who wants to do the best thing for your family. It would be helpful to go and see a therapist who can help guide you through this time in your life. I have been to a therapist, and I am in training to be one now, and it is so helpful to have someone to talk to and to find answers.

      • HappyWifeDeb

        Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I appreciate you taking the time to answer my call for help. I will look for a therapist. My hubby has been asking me to see one but I have been scared. Take care and have a super blessed day!

  • happytoday

    I was touched & re affirmed by your message. If I didn’t have to get to a job I love, I’d share more. In the mean time, THANKS for the reminder!

  • confusedwife(ex)

    I need some help here, i am currently dealing with issues that happened in the beginning of my marriage and part of the issues came up before we were even married. I am finding it extremely hard to move past those issue. the issues I am having a hard time to deal with are cheating( he has a child with another woman, this was before we met, so when i met him, they already had the child. so we got married and four months into the marriage we were having some problems because we did not date for long while and we did not know each other well. we have a child together as soon as we started to date i fell pregnant. so four months into the marriage he was feeling unhappy and he went to his baby mama told her that he thinks he made a mistake by getting married, he is not happy, he does not feel loved etc and goes further to tell her that they should get back together and work on their relationship. I found out about all of this confronted him, he tried to deny it even more and i showed him more proof. So when he realised that he has been caught and when I told him that I am leaving, this is over and he can go back to that other woman. When he realised this that i was serious when i eventually packed my bags and left, he realised i was serious. While trying to fix this I learned that he had slept with her while we were together (while i was pregnant with his child and a few months into our new relationship). Even after this i decided to give it another go and yet again this man lied to me again, this time he went out and got a loan for this baby mama and he did not tell me. In that same place we were busy looking to buy a house. When I found out about the loan about this stunt, i was just floored, how can one man intentionally choose to make such disastrous choices to his marriage. As we speak I have moved out AGAIN!! I dont know what to do now, my life feels stuck and it does not feel like it is moving anywhere. How does one move on and try to continue a marriage from this point on…I am filled with anger and hate( for the woman), i am angry at myself for making the choice to be with him. I am angry at him for breaking my trust, love and making feel inadequate and not enough especially when you hear how he would speak about this baby mama and how she treated him or how their relationship was. Not sure if this is the right topic for this issue, but I have been reading for awhile on this page and I am hoping to get some help….

    • lisa trifone

      I am very sorry for what you are going through! I’m not sure how long you’ve been married, but it sounds to me like HE is the one having a hard time “getting over” issues that happened before you were married. It sounds like he can’t decide which relationship he wants to commit to. It’s possible that he just doesn’t FEEL “married” to you in the way he should, especially because he now has a child with each of you. He may not be mature enough to make a decision and stick to it. If I were you (or if you were my sister! :-) , I would tell you to go to counseling — preferably BOTH of you, but if not, just you — to help you see past the anger you feel and make a decision about what you should do with your marriage. ALOT will be up to HIM! Can he turn from this other woman and fully commit to you? And if he can, can YOU forgive and move on? This is where counseling really does HELP, so don’t hesitate to find a counselor and start going. GOOD LUCK to you!!!