The Marriage Tip Only Few People Know (P.S. It Changes Everything)

By Fawn Weaver on Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The One Marriage Tip Only Few People Know

Several years ago, I came home for lunch in the middle of my work day and did something I’d never done before.  I sat on the couch and turned on the television.

I am a believer that all things happen for a reason. 

My usual departure from running around the kitchen, stuffing something into my mouth and then heading back to work was –I believe- so I could share this with you. 

On my television screen that day sat Rosie O’Donnell on the couch that made Oprah the “queen of talk.”  Attempting to make reparations to her image, Rosie talked about the huge fight between her and iconic journalist Barbara Walters, which resulted in O’Donnell leaving the Emmy-award-winning show The View.

Oprah asked, “Do you regret that moment?”

“Yes, I do,” O’Donnell responded. She said she regretted using her words as weapons and how her out-of-control rage “scared” Walters.

What O’Donnell said next confounded even the talk-show host herself: “For me, at that moment, if I had been braver, I would have just cried and said, ‘You really hurt my feelings.’”

Clearly dumbfounded, Oprah clapped her hands as if having one of her famous aha moments and said, “That is so interesting! That you would say, ‘If I had been braver, I would have just cried.’  Because oftentimes crying is perceived as the weak thing to do.”

She then asked O’Donnell why crying would have been braver than yelling and saying hurtful words.

“Because then you’re vulnerable. Then the authentic feeling that I had, [which] was pain and hurt and rejection [would have come out].”  Instead, as she told Oprah, she put on the same armor she’d chosen to protect her since she was a child.  She shielded her vulnerability, and masked her hurt feelings, with anger.

Consider the last time you were in an argument with your spouse. Hold that thought there for a brief moment, but don’t allow yourself to become angry all over again.  Now that you have the thought in your mind, let’s talk about it.

What was the exact thing that set you off? I’m talking about what you felt, not what you discussed. What was your original emotion in that moment? Was it hurt? Fear? Sadness? Disappointment? Insecurity?  What portion of your underbelly was exposed?

When we become angry enough to begin arguing, especially with someone we love as much as our spouse, we have allowed the original emotion—which would expose our vulnerability—to be covered up by a more aggressive, defensive response.

Rather than exposing the softer side of ourselves, we put up a shield and pull out our verbal sword and begin swinging. We swing left, we swing right, aimlessly out of control and missing the target every time. Yes, we may slice and dice the heart of our spouse, but we miss the mark because we’ve not dealt with the true emotion we’re feeling.

In 2010, I founded the Happy Wives Club with five women who all lived within a 20 mile radius of my home.   Now, just four years later, the club has grown to a community of over 750,000 women in more than 110 countries.

Each week, I write on the pages of the this blog.  I post encouraging words for you.  I share great tips from other happy wives and spend hours each day responding to emails from women around the world.

When writing my book, I traveled to 12 countries on 6 continents interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more to deduce the common denominators.  But never -not in the book or on my blog- have I shared this one marriage tip.  

I am open as a book when it comes to this community and yet there is one secret I have kept to myself for all these years.  And quite frankly, if I hadn’t accidentally let it slip in a recent interview with a writer from Babble, who then wrote a full page article on it, it would probably still be my little secret. 

Well, here goes… (Please don’t judge.)            

My husband, Keith, and I –in our nearly 11 years of marriage- have never argued.  Anyone who knows us can attest to us both being strong and independent people, but in all that time, I’ve never raised my voice at him and he’s never raised his at me.

We talk about everything.  And I mean everything.  We don’t suppress or repress our feelings and we never say things under our breath.  We don’t sweep anything under the rug.  If he does something I don’t like, I let him know it.  When I do something he’s not very fond of, you better believe he lets me know.  From an early age, I’ve always been a bit of a fire piston.  (I can hear my father in heaven saying, “Amen!”)  And Keith is the strongest man I know.

And yet, we’ve never argued.  How is that even possible?  It’s my difficulty in answering that question in a short blog post or article that has kept me from even attempting to try.  The short answer is this: 1) Mutual respect and 2) We stick to the original emotion.

We strive, every moment we are together, to remain vulnerable with one another.  Yes, that can feel strange at first, but I have to tell you, it feels amazing because we’ve never wasted time making up.  Now, of course that means we’ve never experienced “make-up sex” (which I hear can be pretty fantastic).  But then again, why not figure out a way to create that passion –inside and outside of the bed- without the preceding anger?

Most of us are taught from an early age that arguing is normal. Getting mad is how couples communicate when upset. We are shown how to guard our true feelings and emotions by protecting our hearts. We learn that it’s better to go on the offensive than to find ourselves exposed. The problem with all this in marriage is that learned behavior leads to blind conversations. You’re never really fighting about what it is you think you are fighting about.

Sticking with the original emotion—remaining in a place of vulnerability—is the crux of bypassing arguments and getting to the heart of a matter.  My husband and I didn’t learn our “love languages” (as wonderfully defined by Dr. Gary Chapman) until we’d been married nine years.  But it didn’t matter because our respect for one another was so great that everything we did and said was with love and the highest amount of honor.  

Mutual vulnerability and respect allows you both to lay it all out on the table. Your dreams, hopes, ambitions, fears, hurt … nothing is off-limits.

We can’t keep everything bottled inside. We all need to have that one person we can be completely honest with about our perceived failures, hurts, successes, and hopes. We need to have at least one person who will love and respect us unconditionally. Who better than the one who shares your bed at night to share your deepest desires also?

As Rosie O’Donnell reminded us all through her uncontrolled rage that fateful day in Barbara Walters’ dressing room: there is great wisdom in sticking with the original emotion, if we would just be brave enough to be vulnerable.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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THE BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club bookI had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way.  It’s a marriage book like none other.

Fawn Weaver is the USA Today® and New York Times® bestselling author of Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, adopting the same name as the Club she founded in 2010. The Happy Wives Club community has grown to include more than 900,000 women in over 110 countries around the world. When she’s not blogging or working on her next project, she's happily doting over her husband of nearly eleven years, Keith.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are snarky, offensive, or off-topic. If in doubt, read My Comment Policy
  • Lauren Lawson

    That’s amazing. We definitely still argue, but there is such wisdom in this post. It takes courage to be that vulnerable. But what if we became this vulnerable with our spouses…what an beautifu . vision that would be. Good stuff Fawn!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You are definitely in the majority. And there’s nothing wrong with arguing. But I do love being able to show the other side of the coin (as scary as it was for me to post such a radical idea – my underbelly is certainly exposed with this one :) ).

      • Lauren Lawson

        I love your honesty! No matter if it’s not what it seems majority wants what is not a culture norm you still share! Go you! :)

  • SheilaG

    That is so profound, Fawn! Anger is really a secondary emotion–like a master disguise artist. We think when we’re angry that’s the main thing. But when we’re angry it’s usually because there’s a scarier feeling underneath that we can’t deal with and don’t want to show. If we all would show THAT feeling instead, we’d get so much further! Love the testimony about you and Keith!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Sheila! That is so very, very true. Can you imagine how the divorce rates would plummet if everyone did this?

  • MD

    I completely agree with what you are saying!
    Soooo….what if I feel it isn’t safe to share what I’m feeling? That it may be made fun of or something? I would love to have a husband who I felt I could share anything with, and who would respond respectfully. However i think a lot of women don’t have that. How do we get there?

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Every two relationships are different so I won’t attempt to give you any sort of cookie cutter advice. But what I will say is it you allow your husband to read this article, and ask if he’d be open to allowing you to be more vulnerable with him -which would allow you to be more respectful- can he respect you enough to love you through that transition. Mutual respect is key and if he’d make fun of you, that respect is not flowing both ways. But that can change. Sometimes just increasing respect on your end will encourage him to do the same on his end. Give it a try. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

  • Mrs. McMillan

    Thanks Fawn I will putting this into action!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Outstanding! Love to hear that.

  • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

    Wow, this is absolutely awesome Fawn! Requires lots of death to self and lots of intentional effort? sure. :) Doable? absolutely!. My husband and I have grown over the years and I can attest to (almost) argument – free marriage. It’s hard to explain..but it comes down to mutual respect and learning to be vulnerable. And I believe it’s something couples can learn over time…be respectful, be vulnerable and those heated moments don’t have to escalate to full blown arguments! Wonderful thoughts, thanks for sharing. (It’s definitely radical, thanks for having the courage to share it!)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you, Ngina! Your support, and your love for marriage in all you do and say on your own blog, is an encouragement to us all. Grateful for you.

  • iyasostuff

    so much to digest…
    It’s so much easier to be angry, but I love the idea of spending time expressing your true feelings instead… I’m getting better at expressing that side of me, and letting him know that I’m not expecting him to fix everything, I just want him to know how I feel, so that it doesn’t become anger and unforgiveness…
    Thanks for sharing your heart :-)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you for your kindness. It is a lot to digest, I know. We’re all taught that fighting and fussing is completely normal. So many experts will even say that not fighting is bad for your relationship health. But they forgot to add this asterisk, that it is only bad if you are suppressing your feelings. But this way, you still get everything off your chest but at the end you’re kissing and hugging rather than slamming the door and walking out.

  • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

    this is so deep! unbelievable! you and Keith NEVER Argue. when i saw that at first,i felt sad to my stomach( rightly put jealous) How can that be possible?don’t get be wrong i am happy with my marriage and i love my husband to eternity but we definitely argue…..
    Thanks for this post Fawn, i am so inspired and i will work on that aspect of my marriage. my husband hates to argue with me,i grow up in a home where argument is constant and normal, i guess that is why at every chance i get, i bring up argument. i am working on myself through the help of the holy spirit and my husband.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you for your grace, Osas. It was difficult for me to share this because I didn’t want anyone to feel bad about the arguments that they might be having in their own marriage. No two marriages can be compared. So if your marriage, it might just be about figuring out a way to argue less and allowing love to be a spring of hope. You’ll get there. It might take a bit more work because of the home you grew up in but it is possible. One day, I’ll write a post about Keith and my upbringings. Our pathway to happiness was definitely a long and windy road.

      • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

        Thanks you so much Fawn, Love from Nigeria.

  • Pamela Thorson Nikodem

    I felt joyful and full of hope in what I read in your precious soul sharing. I believe that as we heal in our lives, (those of us who have been damaged by abuse, etc.) we can become this model as well. We do not have to fight. Fights come from fear, insecurity, unresolved anger, and our perception of life as we lived and experienced it. There are things in my marriage that my husband cut out as it was causing distress. Do you realize those things that are gone have made the most beautiful impact now? We are happier, more loving, joyful, and I feel more committed and trusting. I am grateful for your words, for in this marriage, my real, true love marriage, I made a commitment to reveal my soul rather than bury it. It has made all the difference in the world. And we are fussing SO much LeSs now. Thank you for giving us words of encouragement and the ability to grow in God’s amazing Grace. Marriage is a beautiful gift.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you, Pamela. Yes, marriage is a beautiful gift. And I love these words you said, “I made a commitment to reveal my soul rather than bury it.”

  • Iris O.

    This is awesome! My husband and I are very similar in the no arguments area. We’ve had some pretty intense discussions but never fights/arguments. And you are right on the dot with Respect and sticking to the original emotion. It was something I had to work on as we were dating and I’m glad I did. I’ve always been the type to “suck it up” and just go with it. Thus, being the doormat in the relationship(past relationships/friendships). I’m glad this was posted because now people can see it’s not crazy not to argue but good! :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      It is great, Iris. And I’m so happy you figured out before you got married that “sicking it up” is toxic. That bad energy just permeates through your body and can destroy so much. But being confident enough to say exactly how you feel, in a loving and respectful manner, that breathes life. Thanks for your note. I appreciate you.

  • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

    Fawn,i just saw an article about this post on Yahoo New. you have change Lives with HWC. Thank YOU!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Really? That’s so very cool. Thank you for letting me know, Osas! I’ll see if I can track down the article and figure out what Yahoo News is saying about me :) .

  • Kaylie Breen

    Oh my gosh. I NEEDED to hear this! It makes me feel SO much better. I’ve heard so many different things from people about marriage and how it should be.. One person even told me that if we didn’t fight, then we would have an unhealthy relationship. But even though I know that I have a perfectly healthy, and wonderful relationship with my husband, it’s reassuring to read something like this. I’m just barely 19 years old and have only been married for 8 months so I sometimes wonder if our great relationship of no fighting and no arguing will last. People often roll their eyes at us saying that it will eventually wear off, and then we will be like normal couples who fight and argue and treat each other like crap. As if being happily in love and nice to each other isn’t “normal.”
    It’s just good to read something like this and know that it doesn’t have to “wear off” and that growing old together doesn’t automatically include growing tired of each other. :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh, Kaylie, I am so happy you came to the site today and read this because those who get married pretty young are consistently pounced upon. People give the most depressing advice to those who fall in love early. As you get older, you will begin to discover more things about yourself and about your spouse. Some shifts may be more jolting than others. But as long as you commit to continue to grow together, your love will continue to grow. Be encouraged. The perfect age to get married is whatever age you feel complete by yourself. When you have confidence in who you are and love the woman looking back at you in the mirror. When you are a whole person, you attract a whole person, and together you can build a beautiful life. Rooting for you!

  • TomorrowPerhaps

    Any article that mentions Rosie O’Donnell and marriage is a complete joke. Saw her name and stopped reading.

    • HappyWifeDeb

      Don’t be a fool! You just missed the best message on marriage I have heard in a great while! You should get over your insecurities about Rosie being a lesbian and read this article. It will bless you I promise.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I am a true believer that a message that is for someone will always reach them. So this message may simply not be for you at this time and that’s perfectly fine. #NothingButGrace

  • HappyWifeDeb

    Fawn,
    That seriously was the BEST article on marriage I have read in a very long time. Thank you for sharing it with us. You never cease to amaze me my friend. You always inspire me. Have an incredibly blessed week!

    God Bless my friend,
    HappyWifeDeb

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You just blessed my heart so much! Thank you.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Agree 100%!!!

  • Julie W

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I pray that I remember this and meditate on it until it becomes natural.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      When I was young, I went to this teenage camp and I can’t remember anything from it but this: Repetition – Easy, Easy – Pleasure, Pleasure – Often, Often – Habit. In other words, the more you try something, the easier it becomes. The Easier it becomes, the more pleasurable it is. The more pleasurable it becomes, the more often you will do it. And the more often you do it, the greater the likelihood that it will become a habit. You can do it, Julie! Meditate on it…but don’t forget to also consciously practice it. <3

  • Sunflower

    This is a wonderful thing and I love it. I am happy you have the ability to do this as a married couple. I, however, am in a situation where if there are hurt feelings my husband does NOT want me to talk about them. Or anything. After 27 1/2 years of marriage for the most part we’re ok. When stressful things happen (such as a job lay off ) I am basically silenced on everything and cruel things are often said. It has been a rare time when I’ve been allowed to speak up. Unfortunatly all this ‘stuffing’ tends to blow up after a period of time. I’ve gotten better at talking to my closest friend about things that have hurt me. That avoids the blow ups with my husband. I’ve asked him if things I’ve said or done have hurt him. He will only on rare occasions say that it has. (such as like 6 times in 27 years) I’ve just learned to deal with this and life goes on. My friend that will, from time to time, listen to my hurt, works with me as I do my very best to never show disrespect to my husband. She helps me by listening to the hurt. Then I go back into married life for another round. At this point I doubt this will ever change. We were not saved when we got married but have been Christians for over 20 years now. We’ve been to marriage conferences. For the most part life is good and calm. I’ve just had to toughen up my skin a lot. I know I’m not perfect either. A husband or wife that listens to their spouse, talks things through etc. is a huge blessing. A spouse that doesn’t like to do that….well, prayer changes things or God gives us what we need to bear up under it. But that’s just my opinion.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You’ve been to a lot of marriage conferences but have you ever tried going to a marriage counselor? That is so taboo for many, I know, but it can really help. And if you or your husband aren’t open to that, do you have any couples around you that have been happily married for about the same amount of time you’ve been married (or even longer)? If so, schedule to go to dinner with them as often as possible. Keith and I don’t counsel couples but so many have told us that just watching how we communicate with one another has helped them communicate better with one another. It’s certainly worth a shot. We’ve surrounded ourselves with tons of happily married couples and I truly believe that has been a part of how we’ve remained so in love over the years. We’ve watched how others do it and apply to our own marriage things we want to emulate from theirs.

  • Carly

    This is a fantastic article. Yes, I thought of how my husband and I speak to one another but, also, it is applicable to teens. I find my daughter and I could benefit from sitting down and discussing this article!!! Thank you :) . PS. I would love to see you and your husband have a disagreement. I don’t get how you have never raised your voices in all these years. I think that is wonderful!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Honestly, Carly, I don’t know either. We never set out to never argue. Before I got married, I’d never heard of an argue-free marriage. And to this day, I’ve only heard of a very few. But it’s funny you’d say you’d love to see my husband and I have a disagreement because I’m working on a post about that tomorrow. There is one time that we came OH SO VERY CLOSE and I’ll tell you how that played out. So stay tuned. I’ll probably post it tomorrow night because I’ll be traveling back to LA tomorrow morning. And thank you for your note. I appreciate you.

  • Jo Rose

    I am pinning this. What a wonderful testimony to have never argued with your husband. Thank you for sharing your secret with us. It really inspires me to continue calmly talking with my hubby when feelings are hurt, so that we can reach a place of understanding. :-)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for sharing, Jo Rose! Yeah, it can feel funny at first but now it’s second nature to us. We don’t go out of our way not to have arguments, it’s just become far more natural for us to stay in a place of vulnerability and to speak from that place.

  • Christine St.Vil

    Oh (wo)man, Fawn, this was juicy! But it is sooo true! That communication and vulnerability piece is so important. I had a recent situation where I was upset about something and all I wanted my hubby to do was sympathize instead of trying to fix it. The old me would’ve ripped him a new one LOL But the new me was able to explain to him why I was upset and what I needed from him in that moment. And guess what? He thought he was helping but immediately saw my view point and all was well with the world. Had I blown up at him, it would’ve created such a mess of something so small. Thanks for sharing this great reminder because not being vulnerable can always be a challenge and create more problems than necessary.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Your LOL made me laugh! So happy this struck a chord with you too, Christine.

  • C-dUb

    I am so happy to read this!! I have been married for 9 months and my husband and I have had one fight – and we decided that we would never treat each other that way ever again. We always reveal our deepest feelings and emotions (which was terrifying for me at first) but the more we communicate honestly and immediately – the deeper our connection.
    This is truly the love I have always wanted and knew existed. Thank you for sharing your story and your “secret”. Respect is of the upmost importance – for ourselves and each other.
    Bless you, and may the number of happy wives increase exponentially due to you and other happy wives opening a dialogue about it! This is the actual fairytale love story – being vulnerable and honest!
    From an extremely happy and grateful wife in Canada!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes! “This is the actual fairytale love story – being vulnerable and honest!”

  • Ambani

    Tnx Fawn well for me I would feel like something is wrong maybe in my marriage cos we have never raised our voice to each other but talk things in respectful way been married for four years and love grows better everyday, tnx for grt post and I will definitely share dis.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Awesome! Thanks for sharing it, Amani.

  • Gail Roddy

    Wonderful insight, Fawn! In 24 years of marriage I’ve had quite a few instances where I became angry with my husband. But I trained my mind long before I got married to practice…waiting. Whatever I feel (especially if it’s anger), I sit with it first before speaking. That “sit with it” could be a few moments or a few hours. I let the true feelings become conscious. Many times the anger stems from something long, long ago and not even with the present moment. Often, I can then laugh at the present anger/situation and don’t even need to tell Bill about it. Because it really wasn’t even about HIM and what he said!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Love examples from others practicing this. Thanks, Gail, and thank you for coming to the MeetUp/book signing last night and bringing a friend. Minneapolis was incredibly kind to me.

  • suat

    My name is suat sighn, I live in Philippines. I am happily married with two kids and a beautiful wife,i want to testify the goodness of Therapist Oniha on how he saved my love life,something terrible happened to my family, I lost my job and my wife packed out of my house because I was unable to take care of her and the kids at the time. I manage all through for four years until I cannot cope with the situation again,so I searched on the internet for any help about getting back my family and job. I came across so many testimonies which make me confuse to my frustration,I decided to choose Therapist Oniha of winexbackspell@gmail.com who attended to me and instructed me on things to do,which I did with faith and within 3 days, my office called and gave me back my work on that same day my wife came back home with the kids and apologized for her actions and now we are happily living together again,i am so happy shearing the goodness of Therapist Oniha of the winexbackspell@gmail.com once again. Tell Therapist Oniha i am grateful.

  • Cindy

    Excellent article. I’m passing this on to my young niece, who does not seem to get the whole “respect each other” part of her relationship with her spouse. As you pointed out, so important, and something that seems like many forget to do. Again, excellent article, I will keep and re-read again.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Fantastic! I hope she finds it helpful. Thanks, Cindy.

  • Another Happy Wife

    Fawn,
    Thank you so much for the work you do, and in particular, for writing this article. It is so refreshing to hear another person has this perspective! My husband & I have never argued either, and when we tell people that, they usually respond as if we aren’t telling the truth, or we have a relationship that is based on repressed emotions. Both assumptions are WRONG! My husband and I communicate about everything before it becomes a problem. We never lose sight of the fact that we love each other, and would never do anything to intentionally hurt each other, and once something has been forgiven it’s OVER! There is no bringing up past hurts again and again. The beautiful thing is, it’s not just a matter of “sticking to rules”. We truly feel the peace, love, & happiness in our hearts! I am always telling my family that our home should be the safest place in the world for them. That includes no verbal attacks. I point out to them that as a society, people find it easy to be polite to the clerk at the store even when they’ve had a bad day, but when they get home they feel free to “be themselves” and let the people who deserve their very best see their very worst. If it is so easy to be polite to strangers, why is it difficult to be kind to the people we LOVE?? God has blessed us with each other, and we need to honor that blessing by treating our spouses with love and respect, even when we’re discussing tough issues.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I love that you posed this question because I’ve often wondered it, as well: “If it is so easy to be polite to strangers, why is it difficult to be kind to the people we LOVE??”

  • Terri

    That was SUCH a great article! It truly touched my heart. I am going to make a point of allowing myself to be more vulnerable. Thank you for writing this & for your wonderful site! God Bless you and yours!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you, Terri! You, as well.

  • Nigerian Stallion

    As a guy…and really a real Man’s kind of man….I must say…..this is the best article on Marriage I have ever read…keep up the good work….my girlfriend and future fiance put me on to this arcticle. Awesome.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for this! Appreciate your kind words.

  • MarriednNaked

    Fawn,
    Thank you for being so vulnerable with your readers. Thank you for sharing your secret with us. Hubby and I definitely fight, but as we progress in our marriage our disagreements show more and more maturity and respect. It is something we are constantly working on. I look forward to progressing to the point where I can say that we don’t argue :) Thank you for the inspiration!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Absolutely! And thank you for your note. It’s hard to retrain ourselves to not get our points across by arguing. Most of us (me included) grow up thinking arguing is just a part of every relationship. And Keith and I didn’t set out to have an argue-free marriage. Yet somehow, the level of respect we have for one another, has kept us from arguing. I can’t quite explain it but if I could put my finger on it, I’d say the higher the level of respect for each other, the more grace is given. And the more grace that’s given, the lower the number of arguments. That’s just be giving a guess based on my personal experience. It could totally be wrong :) .

  • Ronni

    I’m the type of person to not really argue with people. I’m good about talking about things and wanting to talk about things and be honest with my emotions. If I had married someone other than my husband, someone who communicates in ways similar to myself, then perhaps it would have been possible for us to be like you and to never fight/argue. But, I AM married to MY husband. And one of the many things I’ve learned over the past 8.5 years of marriage is that we communicate very differently. He is not as upfront or as open about his emotions in any given situation. He prefers to hold things in, try to ignore them and move on. I would rather talk about them right then and there – or like you mentioned, cry and be honest that my feelings were hurt – but if I were to do that, he would get angry with me, thinking that I was trying to manipulate his feelings or place the blame entirely on him. This scenario has happened many times and it never ends well for us.

    Sigh. This is something that we have been working on in our marriage. And as I can only see things from my perspective, I can only assume that there is something deeper that makes him always jump to his conclusion. I cannot change him. I can only change myself to adapt to his way of communicating – and I struggle with knowing how much I should allow myself to change and/or if at some point, I should expect him to give in some as well.

    But marriage is never easy and we not only do we have our good times, but we are also committed to staying married. So we will always find a way to make it work out. Just unfortunatly, this particular tip mentioned won’t really work for us. At least not at this stage in our lives.

    This is not to say that I don’t believe that you and your husband never fight. But to say that you are very lucky to have have a husband who shares your communication style and also values emotional vulnerability. :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Hi Ronni! I agree. But I am also a believer that we can all be taught this because if you met me growing up, you would have met a teenager who cursed lie a sailor and screamed to get her point across. I could be a bit of a Tasmanian devil if you upset me. The will to do it is important. And giving grace as you’ve received it (this was really pivotal in helping me) can go a very long way. Hope that helps.

  • Cathie Hill Piccolo

    As someone who was raised in the midst of constant screaming and fighting between the parents, I have tried so hard as an adult to be different. It is a struggle everyday to honor my husband as he deserves, but articles like this give me strength to keep trying again. That you for sharing your wisdom.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      It’s so hard when you grow up around those who scream to get their points across. And recalibration is always tricky. But I’m happy I could provide a little inspiration for you to keep trying, keep going, keep pushing – you can do it, Cathie :) . Wishing you a beautiful week.

  • Michelle

    Love this article! Hubby and I have been married for 20 years. We argued A LOT at first, but then we stopped and just started speaking to each other without raising our voices. Sometimes we had to apologize for what we’ve said (even if we didn’t raise our voices) but those yelling matches…nope. UNTIL this past Saturday. After spending time with my mom (who is slowly losing her memory) I came home feeling really sad about her condition. As I was coming through the door, my husband said something (about another topic) that I didn’t like. We had a 3 or 4-minute blow-up and afterwards I thought, “Wow, we haven’t done that in a LONG time. That felt stupid.” Anyway, my husband apologized like 5 minutes later and since we are both quick-forgivers, we got over it and went to a movie together yesterday. When I read this article, I thought about my original emotion and I really couldn’t identify one about what my husband said apart from how I was already feeling before I came home. They got mixed in together and what normally would have been a disagreement became an argument. Something to watch out for, definitely!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      What an important distinction. The beautiful thing about life is every day brings a new discovery. And the ones that make us grow, those are the best, aren’t they?

  • Jana

    My husband and I are basically the exact opposite of you and yours. We actually don’t get into fights often, but we definitely don’t lay it all out there. We are both bottlers…major bottlers! I am not much of a hot head, so I tend to let it go, but on occasion he blows his lid and says things he regrets later. So, I am really wondering where to begin, how to make these changes…I guess just being concious of it will help, but do you have any advice? There has been so much bickering between us lately…and we both get offended when the other says something very honest! This is my first time to your site, and it has already been very helpful. I look forward to learning more!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So happy this was helpful, Jana! I try not to give advice or seem like an expert but I’m happy to share with you what has been helpful for my husband and me. The first thing is our daily ritual: http://www.happywivesclub.com/12-weeks-to-a-happier-marriage-week-1/. This gives us a set time every day to discuss any and everything in a relaxed manner. The other thing we do is look at the bigger picture. We love each other and are in this until death do us part. So in the grand scheme of things, is whatever the issue is important enough that we’d want to derail that? The answer, for us, has always been no so that’s allowed us to ease into conversations rather than crashing into arguments. Does that help at all?

  • MicaM

    Fawn, What a fantastic article. The story about Rosie made an incredible difference to me. I know that anger is a secondary emotion and could never understand why my husband only saw the anger and could never see the hurt. I am reminded that I have to be more brave and vulnerable to share those feelings as they exist and not masked as something else. Thank you so much!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Mica! And you’re not alone. I don’t know any of us who couldn’t use a little more vulnerability and a little less masking in our lives :) .

  • Maway

    That is a great one. My husband believes in no arguments ever to happen in our marriage but so unfortunately it’s happening always. I get sad about it all the time. He is the type who does not like criticism not to even talk about correction. But he sees me to be the one in way or other doing or saying things that are inappropriate and he gets angry. How do I avoid anger and arguments in the home.

  • Khutso Mashishi

    Hi Fawn… thank you!
    I’m getting married on the 4th of October and have been engaged for a year. One thing that has NEVER happened to us is have an argument, NEVER. Planning the wedding made us realize our differences and at times I had to make Chris understand what I meant and at times he did the same, it’s amazing how we could have a long conversation trying to figure out the best way to conclude our discussion and not even once did we raise our voices for one another. Somehow I thought it was because we are “just”engaged and I remember Chris saying we don’t ever have to fight or argue about anything and we will not. So reading your article and knowing the after 11 years, you and your husband NEVER, just made me realise that even when I start living with my husband, maintaining the same spirit of listening to him then respond with love is my tool. One thing I and Chris do is no matter how much we do not agree or tell each other of something the other partner did or said that offended the other one, we still call each other with our love names, so it is never a fight or argument just a deep discussion that has the potential of breaking one or both of us and we both DO NOT WANT to hurt each other… and I am sorry is a statement that is never far from our lips and it is always genuine!

  • http://www.lisabakercounseling.com/ John Gregorio Wood II

    Wow, what an encouraging post! I should let my wife read this and wish us all the best as we try this out in our relationship. Thanks!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      I hope you both found it incredibly helpful!

  • tschin

    Fawn,
    I cannot say that my husband and I have never argued. I cannot say that we’ve never gone to bed angry at each other. I cannot say that we’ve never carried a grudge around, (at least for a day or two.) What I can say is that we’ve weathered through these things and come out on the other end still trusting each other and respecting each other. Prayer helps.
    Do I think, after reading your article, we will never have an argument again? I can’t say. But what I can say is that I know my relatively calm husband who sorts out negatives and positives, pros and cons, loves me. He knows I am “passionate” about some things and he has accepted that. I know that he is unwavering in some things and I respect that.
    Thank you for giving me a new perspective, especially that word “vulnerability.” I actually think that is a beautiful word. It means that you have let someone see the deepest parts of you; the parts that you know if they get damaged will never be the same again.

    Teresa

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you, Teresa! Your note really encouraged me :) .

  • Christine Wilke

    Excellent Article!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So glad you liked it! Thanks, Christine.

  • Emily Werger

    My hubby and I joke that when one is doing something the other dislikes we just say “Could you not?” And the normal response is “my bad lovey”. We have been together for 6 years (including courtship) and have had 2 fights that we can recall. Just like you would advise an upset child “using your words” when you’re unhappy about something is a better way to respond than just having a tantrum and saying harsh things. You can’t control othesrs but you can control how you speak to your spouse :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, you can. Love this, Emily!

  • girlinlove2010

    Thank you for writing this post. I gotta admit that this weekend was one of those where you have to finally put your guard down. My Hubby and I rarely argue and that’s because we are pretty honest with each other. However, for the first time I had to let him know of my insecurities (it did NOT feel good), but because of his big heart and understanding he just held me and said we were going to work it out together, as a team, “that’s why we’re married” he said. “I promised to love you and make you happy no matter what”. OMG, I so love my man. He also blamed some of my insecurities on him ( I disagree), but he said if I’m feeling this way is because he’s not doing his job so he will try harder. I’m very blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. When things like this happen, I reflect and see how good life is.
    Thank You for all your posts, I love all the tips. With three children, really I need all the help I can get

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You have no idea how your post just encouraged me. It brought joy to my heart to read your words. Thank you so much for that!

      • girlinlove2010

        Thank You!!! Your words are inspirational and help me to keep going (especially when days are not so great). God Bless you for your mission Fawn

  • sunflower

    This might work for those whose husbands want to go along with it. I’ve been married 28 years and my husband hates tears with a passion, gets more hurtful if I cry, and won’t talk about anything unless I can sum it up in about 5 sentences. I’ve told him, quietly and with respect, my opinion on this and he’s never changed. I’ve found other ways to cope. I pray a lot, I have a trusted friend I can call if it is very hurtful, as angry and hurt as I get I choose to continue to focus on the good qualities of my husband. Would I prefer we were able to converse better/more? Of course. But most of the time things are fine. When it happens I tell him quietly that he hurt me and why. Then I go elsewhere to cry. I doubt at this point he’ll ever change.

  • Jade Peverell

    I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We’ve never argued either. We talked about everything before we married and we both agreed that there were other ways to deal with disagreements than raising our voices or being unreasonable.