Have You Ever Felt Distant From Your Spouse? Read This!

By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott on Friday, April 18, 2014

Have you ever felt distant from your spouse

Today, is the final day of our 5-day marriage series with #1 New York Times best-selling authors, Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.  

I hope you have truly enjoyed this series.  And if you missed any of the days, I’ll include the links here so you can get to them easily:

Day 1: The Fastest Way to Overcome Any Misunderstanding

Day 2: One Thing You Need to Know When Creating Happiness

Day 3: Do You Have an Emotionally Generous Marriage?

Day 4: 5 Proven Happiness Boosters for Couples

And today, they’re speaking specifically to those of you who want to be happy but at the moment feel distant from your spouse.

If this doesn’t describe you and your spouse, great! Please share this with a wife who can benefit from it.

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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We were having lunch with Jim and Karen at Chinooks, a favorite restaurant with one of our favorite couples. As we got settled into our booth and were perusing our menus, Jim said he had a question for us: “What makes you cry?”

Les nearly did a spit-take with his glass of water. “What are you talking about?” Les asked, thinking Jim was joking around.

“I’m dead serious,” Jim continued. “What pains you right now?”

He went on to say that everyone, if you scratch the surface, has something that could make them cry, if not literally, figuratively.

For Jim, a former football player, it was a relationship struggle he was having with his college-age son.

For Karen it was the painful divorce her sister was going through.

Needless to say, the conversation got serious. I (Leslie) talked about my mom who suffers from brittle diabetes and is facing some tough days ahead. Les said he still wants to cry about not having his dad to talk with, five years after his father passed away.

“Where’d you come up with this question?” Les asked Jim.

That’s when Jim and Karen told us about the three questions they’d started asking each other about once a month. They told us these questions were helping them connect at a deeper level than ever before.

We’ve been using them in our marriage ever since. In fact, they’ve become such a great tool for us, we’ve highlighted them in our new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage.

Here they are:

• “What do you dream about?” It’s been said that to understand the mind of someone you can look at what they have already achieved. But to understand someone’s heart you’ll want to discover what they dream about. Do you know what your partner dreams most about these days?

• “What do you cry about?” When you know where your partner carries their pain, what makes them hurt, you can’t help but to understand their heart at the deepest levels. What hurts are they carrying right now?

• “What do you sing about?” When you know what brings joy to your partner, you know where they draw their strength. What is your partner singing about this week? What’s bringing them the most happiness?

Of course, these three questions don’t have to be literal. Just use them to structure a meaningful conversation when the time is right. We’ve been asking them of each other around the first week of each month. It’s been a great way to stay connected.

We can tell you from personal experience, when you have a bit of time and a desire to go deeper, these three questions are sure to take you there.

YOUR TURN:  What questions do you ask your husband to go deeper? You can respond in the comments section below.

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Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott are #1 New York Times best-selling authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Love Talk, Crazy Good Sex, and Making Happy. The Parrotts speak in more than thirty cities annually and they blog about marriage at LesAndLeslie.com.

 

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  • Colleen

    This is a GREAT one for me. You see, I’m not married to my man, though I hope to be before long. We came at this relationship thing from the wrong direction and very wounded pasts. And, while we are constantly moving forward and improving, there are some spots that are definitely still broken.

    So, while this exercise sounds awesome to me, I know it would be very hard for him. The reason being that any question I ask him, his natural instinct is to be wary. Is it a trap? Why are you grilling me? He goes to these places very quickly.

    Any suggestions for how to adapt this idea in my case?

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Hi Colleen! I have a couple thoughts on this but I’d love to hear what Drs. Les & Leslie suggest so I’ll make sure they see this question.

      • Colleen

        Thank you, Fawn. I look forward to what all of you have to say about this.

  • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

    i just had an “aha” moment. (tying with a tearily eye). this is really deep. i will try and do this with my hubby.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Tears are a beautiful thing when they transform us into our best self, don’t you think?

      • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

        definately!

  • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

    my favorite post from the parrotts

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Fantastic!

  • Stephanie

    I am going to ask my hubby these questions and I hope it will open up meaningful communication for us