The Fastest Way to Overcome Any Misunderstanding (3 Easy Tips)

By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott on Monday, April 14, 2014

The Fastest Way to Overcome Any Misunderstanding

I’ve been waiting for this 5-day marriages series for a couple months now.  

Excited to bring you two marriage experts that I have come to know and love for two reasons: 1) Their love for each other; and 2) Their ability to work together to help others improve their marriages.

This week, Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, are releasing their brand new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage, so I asked them to take over the Happy Wives Club site for the entire week and share some of the wisdom they’re teaching in this book.

I’ve never done this before, allowed someone to hijack the home page of HappyWivesClub.com for a 5-day series, but hopefully once this week is concluded, you’ll be so happy I did.

As soon as I started reading Making Happy I knew it was going to be helpful to couples everywhere.  While flipping through the introduction, something jumped out at me, “Marriage doesn’t make you happy–you make your marriage happy.”

Sometimes it’s just helpful for us to, not only be reminded of what it takes to create a happy marriage, but the actual science behind those principals.  Happy marriages are are not by happenstance.  They are created and cherished.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

Email Signature transparent

______________

John, our teenager, was looking forward to a weekend event with his buddies at church. But he never got to go. Why? Because each of us thought the other had submitted the payment. But neither of us had. And it was too late. All the spots were filled. John wasn’t happy and our marriage was feeling the pain.

“You always take care of that stuff,” Les exclaimed.

“But this was something you and John talked about.”

“I know but I still thought you had the paperwork to fill out,” Les protested.

“I did but you could have done it.”

We blamed each other for a few moments and then one of us said, “Okay, I can see why you thought I was taking care of it.”

Sigh.

That was that.

Chalk it up to a simple misunderstanding.

Every marriage is full of them. Right? They’re endemic. And if any couple says they don’t have many misunderstandings, they’re misunderstanding the question.

Misunderstandings are a part of every married couple’s life. And if we don’t learn how to manage them, they manage us and we’ll soon be embroiled in perpetual conflict.

In fact, misunderstandings are one of the most common roadblocks to happiness in marriage. We discovered this fact while writing our new book, Making Happy: The Art and Science of a Happy Marriage. If you’re looking for happiness in love, you won’t find it with two people who feel misunderstood.

Misunderstandings are exasperating for the simple fact that both sides see it from their angle only.

The solution?

It’s simple.

It only takes one person to put their perspective on hold and see the issue from their partner’s point of view. That’s all. If one person does this, the misunderstanding is resolved, the tension eases, and life moves forward.

Easy peasy.

It only takes one person to turn around a misunderstanding by honoring the other’s perspective. That’s what the Apostle Paul was getting at when he said, “Honor one another above yourselves.”

When we honor our spouse we have an internal attitude of respect and courtesy. But it’s more than lip service.

So how do we do this?

Here’s Three Tips to Overcome Any Misunderstanding:

  • Press your mental “pause” button. If you ever want to circumvent misunderstanding, you have to stand back, cool down, and be objective. You can’t turn it around by staying hot and bothered.

  • Use your head. Be objective and ask what it would be like to literally be in your spouse’s shoes. After a day like they’ve had, what would it feel like to be in their skin? This will take some effort but try your best.

  • Use your heart. Feel your partner’s feelings. How? Say something like, “Are you feeling like I’m belittling you right now?” And listen. Listen aggressively – not just to the words but the feelings underneath them.

Do these three things and you can’t help but honor your partner with respect. You can’t help but to change your perspective because you’ll see the issue through your partner’s eyes.

 And here’s a secret – your new perspective is contagious. So don’t be surprised when your spouse does the same for you.

YOUR TURN:  How do you overcome your misunderstandings?  You can respond below.

##

JOIN THE 1,000,000 MEMBER CHALLENGE: If you haven’t already done it, what are you waiting for? Join the club! It takes only a few seconds and, of course, is free.

Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott are #1 New York Times best-selling authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Love Talk, Crazy Good Sex, and Making Happy. The Parrotts speak in more than thirty cities annually and they blog about marriage at LesAndLeslie.com.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are snarky, offensive, or off-topic. If in doubt, read My Comment Policy
  • Kristi

    Dale and I read this article together. We discussed the three points and giggled. Dale is good at the first on and me at the third point. We both need to work on number two. We just discussed how we choose to be happy and have a happy marriage. Thank you. We are looking forward to this week.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Awesome! Thanks, Kristi.

  • http://www.osasandgodwin.com osas R.

    interesting article.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Glad you thought so, Osas.

  • Chris W

    We enjoy the Parrott’s advice from each of their books. This 3 step process is great! We have made a point to repeat a silly phrase when we are in the middle of a misunderstanding to let the other know….we ARE on the same page, we are just communicating it differently. It works for us and brings a sigh of “oh ya” to the other. Can’t wait for the week of Les and Leslie! AND can’t wait for their new book. Doing their year devotional right now

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That is awesome! Well, their new book, Making Happy, released today so after you’ve read it let me know what you think. So far, I’m loving it!

  • Andrea W.

    Happy Tuesday!!!!! One FACT/TRUTH I learned & accepted long ago (in my 20′s to be exact) is that men & women communicate differently. Once I accepted that FACT/TRUTH, communication for me, with my husband & men in general, went much better & smoother. I learned that FACT/TRUTH from my dear friend & Spiritual/marriage mentor(s), husband & wife team. My marriage mentor(s) taught me that one spouse can SAY something & the other spouse HEARS something completely different. How many times does that happen?? =) I have learned to ask my husband if my given statement to him made sense. He responds. He in turn asks me the same question when he communicates a thought with me. This practice works for us. N-joy HIS day Everyone!!!!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That is a tactic many marriage counselors use so you’re certainly on the right track.

  • jenn

    I get frustrated, we both do, but we laugh through the frustration and get over it. We joke lightly about as good as our relationship is sometimes communication is lacking and agree to work on it. Not married but working towards it.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Cool!

  • Melinda Todd

    We learn to apologize for misunderstandings. It can be hard to remember that we’re not out to get each other, so we need to make our assumptions the BEST assumptions and not the worst. Just acknowledging the other person’s point of view does SO much to calm down the situation.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, it does. Assumptions are a killer, aren’t they?

  • sophie

    My husband has aspergers and communication is CRITICAL in our lives. This is good for everyone!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So happy to hear that, Sophie.

  • Maria N Jay Akridge

    In the 17 years we have been married, we have learned that anger is a killer for communication. After a misunderstanding, we both give each other space to process our thoughts, after we have processed and cooled off, we meet again and discuss the issue at hand. We apologize to each other and never bring up the offense up again.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      So smart! That’s what 17 years of marriage will do for you.

  • samplemom

    Okay, I had to laugh although no one else was in the room…I love it when my 6 year old says ‘easy peasy’!!! Great article, that you Dr. & Dr. Parrott! This is not the first time I’ve come across some of your timeless marriage advice, although I am ashamed to say that I rarely make the time to read an entire book! The Happy Wives Club has made me understand how much my husband needs to hear me say “I believe in you!” Thank you Parrots, and Happy Wives Club!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Outstanding! I love that ‘easy peasy’ saying too. Makes me believe I can do it! :)

  • Mary

    My husband and I honestly do not have misunderstandings. I think part of it might be due to our work schedules being almost opposite. Because of that we make a huge effort to communicate what is going on, happening in the day, etc. We text a ton and send emails. We also have a date night or two where we go out and spend time together, talk and keep each other updated on what is going on so we are not caught off guard by something. We also have a detailed budget thanks to Dave Ramsey and that seems to solve problems before they could start.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh yeah, love Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. Completely changed the way we handle money and it has prevented any challenges on that front. So grateful for that.