Standing Up For What Is Right For Your Family (No Wife Bullies Here)

I’ve been bullied on one of those online mommy groups. I can’t say that I took the best route to deal with it but I got out of the group almost immediately. I am pretty hesitant to put myself out there (online) and when I do I am prepared for the worst. It reminds me that real-life connections are much more important than online relationships. I still blog and put myself out there sometimes but I won’t hesitate to delete a nasty comment and ignore any advice I don’t like. People can be mean- especially if they can hide behind a computer. I just hope that I don’t accidentally say mean things either.

oh Fawn, those hurtful emails make me sad. I know you have so much love in your heart – for your hubby, for the power of marriage to restore and encourage love community and family and for people. Thank you for your strength in the face of ignorance and keep marching on.
I have not been bullied as a wife – although in the Latin culture there is a lot of pressure to have kids and you get a lot of odd looks if you tell someone, we have decided not to have any for now. I was however bullied for several years as a child – for being awkward and smart and shy at the same time. (Yes I know it’s hard to believe but I was once shy!) I used to come home crying until I finally found people who loved and valued me and realized that’s what matters – a community of like-hearted friends – whether one or in your case 700,000!
Thank you for bringing this up. I think this post will bring a lot of healing. XO

I discovered your blog on Pinterest, and I enjoy reading it. I am a professional working Mom, and over had many of these same nasty comments thrown at me through the years. I am blessed to have a career that is my caliing and ministry and my husband has always been fully sportive of me working outside the home. He is my biggest cheerleader and is always ready to give me a little push if I am
Getting too complacent. I have been quite wounded by these types of comments in the past. So much so, that for awhile I quit going to church. There just didn’t seem to be any place in the church for
Moms like me. I wish this type of nastiness would stop, I think we need to encourage all Moms everywhere to do their best, love god, and love people and the rest will work itself out. Thanks for the encouraging word, it is nice to know I am not alone in this experience.

My family and my husbands family often criticize and tell us what we should do because I have been a stay at home house wife for almost 3 years now. My husband makes enough money and budgets right that we live comfortably and he encourages me to do things that I want even if they cost money. We try to just ignore them but it is hurtful.

After reading these story I can definitely empathize. I have also been bullied it was very stressful. thank God I was able to pull through this because of my faith. I had my goals and I wanted a great career, but I also have children that needed me. It’s God first then family. our children will grow to be adults one day how they turn out will be a reflection on us the parents.

Wow, Fawn…and I thought junior high girls were bad! Guess some women get stuck in that very “me”-gotistic stage where they know everything and no perspective but their own is valid. How sad it must be to feel so threatened by someone else’s choices that they react with such condescension to those who aren’t like them. I wonder what it would take for them to feel so secure in their own choices that they could extend respect and grace to others?

Thank you! We’ve all heard so many similar, hurtful comments. Regardless of what we’ve decided, someone will ridicule that choice. For most of us, our ideal home/career balance just isn’t realistic or possible. We know we can’t do it all, but we do what we can. It isn’t fair for any honest and hard working woman (no matter WHERE she is working!) to have her love for her family called into question. I don’t enjoy child care of itself, but I am at home with my two boys for now, because I love them and this arrangement is right for them! It may be hard for me, but I am willing to sacrifice anything if it’s in my children’s best interests. I don’t need people telling me that because I don’t love child care off the bat that I am selfish or neglectful – I need encouragement, coaching, and reassurance in my best efforts. I may not be very good at this, but I deserve the chance to do my best, and to have my best be good enough. We ALL do!

Oh gee, Fawn, I hate that you received those kinds of emails. People really need to chill out. Unless something is clearly commanded in Scripture (and being a full-time homemaker is not), we need to be very careful about telling other people how to live their lives. (And even if something is clearly commanded in Scripture, we need to talk to people about it with love and concern, not judgment.) I think people sometimes assume that “having a career” or “working outside the home” automatically means “giving no attention to the children.” Um no, it doesn’t. Couples come up with very creative solutions to make things work. In our family, my career took a lot of different shapes and forms, depending on the ages of our children. I always “kept a hand in it,” but it looked very different when we had an infant and a preschooler than it does now that our youngest is in college. This is not a “black or white” issue, and women need to stop treating other women as if it is.

I love your posts! You are very kind and loving, and that is exactly what God is and says for us to do. I support you 100%! I was a stay at home mom for the first 2 years of 2 of my children’s lives and I love them greatly. I am really excited that I recently got to go back to work and that is what works for my husband and I. As I tell others; some mommies are wonderful stay at home mommies, and some mommies are wonderful working mommies. Both kinds love their kids greatly

I think it’s wonderful for the moms who can and choose be be stay-at-home moms. I respect them and I’m happy for them. It hasn’t worked out quite so easy for me. I am in a situation where I have to work. It makes me sad that people wouldn’t respect my best effort to care for my family in everyway including providing and income to support us. We are all just doing the best we can…I hope we can lift and help each other and not condem and shame…

I’ve literally just stumbled on this site, and this is the first article I read. Love it!!!

The only thing I would add is this: I intended on being a stay at home mum, but once I had children found I missed the intellectual challenge of work more than I thought I would! Rather than go back to work though, I started an off campus degree to give me the best of both worlds. It makes me feel happier which makes me a better wife and mother. One of my best friends insisted that she would be 100% returning to work after becoming a parent, but found once she had her baby that she didn’t want to, and so started her own business where she could work from home. So don’t think you know what you would do / are going to do until you’re there! Our lives are dynamic, what works for some doesn’t for others. The sooner we accept that the sooner we can get on with the magic of living.

Can’t wait to discover the rest of this site considering the calibre of this post.

I just stumbled upon this blog today and immediately signed up. This speaks to me on a very personal level. Thank you for fostering a community of love and respect among wives. The competition and catty behavior is exhausting and I find myself steering clear of other wives. What’s best for my marriage and my kids is for my husband and I to decide, and truly for no one to judge.
I am happily married to a family. One day I was still single and nearly 30 and the next I was a happy wife a mother of three beautiful kids. I got so much negative feedback about all I was “giving up” by getting married to a man with “baggage” (I guess they meant the kids?!) “this late in the game” (I was ONLY 29!!). But the blessings are non-stop and I am the wife and mom I always dreamed I’d be. The “just watch out for” and “wait until (insert horrible thing here) happens” and “you’ll wish you’d have though twice when” comments were typically from unhappy women who couldn’t believe happiness in a marriage is real. My husband and I were each a decade into our careers when we met and married. We both fully understand and support one another in knowing that before we were parents and spouses, we were people. Individuals with dreams. Individual dreams. And we continue to pursue our own personal fulfillment while supporting each other along the way. They key to a happy marriage is two happy individuals working as one happy unit.
If you feed one ox and starve the other, they will never be able to pull the cart. So we feed each other daily – and always will.

I guess it’s a sign of popularity when you get hate mail. I’m sorry that happened. Odd you wrote this as I recently considered confronting a childhood bully. I’ve decided against it and am only more determined to be successful.

I often wonder if women like myself get this same sort of hate from mommies. After all, being childless by choice at age 35 is SO selfish. I hope that never happens, but I’m prepared to talk about how I helped raise my niece when the time comes.

Wow! It never ceases to amaze me how entitled people feel to cast judgement on how others decide to live their OWN lives. It’s ridiculous that women have to defend their choices in this day and age. I was one who never wanted to be a SAHM. I loved my career and was happy to get back to work after the first two. I was looking to go back after the third but circumstances changed, and so did my desires. Having experienced both sides, I can honestly say that what one woman does with her family has absolutely nothing to do with what another woman decides to do. There is absolutely no right or wrong answer here like you stated, Fawn…just what is right for your own family. Pursuing a career/dream in the midst of motherhood is NOT synonomous with being neglectful or “hurting a child by abandoning them for someone else to raise”. And deciding to be a SAHM is not synonomous to reversing woman equality.

Thank you for sharing this Fawn, definitely something that I see/hear a lot of unfortunately.

Every family is different and it is up to them to decide how to raise their kids. As for the comments that you received, you just have to take the good with the bad…and, there are plenty of people who are just “nasty.” If they speak like this to you, how must they speak to their children if they step out of line? They are bullying their children, too, in some form or fashion. They just may not see it as bullying. How do they handle opposition, adversity, diversity, differing political views….or anyone who believes differently or doesn’t look like them? Are these the same people who smile and hug you in church, but curse and despise those who do not believe as they do? Bullies come in all forms.

I’ve been a full time teacher and assistant principal, as well as a stay-at-home mom and I enjoyed both worlds. What makes the most difference in raising your child/children is not the presence of the mom staying at home, but the presence of that mom’s/dad’s heart being with the child. Of course, you must stay-on-top of your child’s daycare and school—be present when you can—ask questions—know the staff–ask your children about each teacher or worker–ask about every bump, bruise, etc. Get to know other parents in the class and share concerns about the daycare. Parents have more control over their daycare than they think.

What makes the most difference in raising your child/children is not whether or not the mom stays at home, but the presence of that mom’s/dad’s heart being with the child. A loved and cherished child becomes a loving and strong adult…one who loves and tolerates others. Does that mean that they have no values/morals or agree with the way others(who believe differently than them) live their lives? Certainly not. But, it does illustrate that they have learned to LOVE more than hate. Much joy to you, Fawn. Stay strong!

I happen to have VERY strong opinions about this very issue! I feel deeply that one choice is BEST and the other is a mistake!! HOWEVER……I also feel equally as strongly that it is none of my business to push MY beliefs onto others. After all, we each must live with the consequences of our choices (all of them!), so how can I tell another mom/person that they must live with MY consequences??? I can’t. I WON’T! We each have our own lives to live, and live with, and we should be supporting eachother with a generous spirit because we are all going to make mistakes and have regrets over the years, no matter how “right” we think our choices are!