5 Ways to Foster the Most Important Skill for a Happy Marriage

When I look into my husband’s eyes, I fall deeper in love each and every day.  

Is it because he is without fault?  Of course not.

Is it because he loves me better each day?  Well, that certainly helps.

Is it because I know all there is to know about marriage?  Absolutely not.  

I’m not a marriage expert, I’m an intentional learner.  And it is my intention to learn all I can from those who have succeeded in marriage for decades and decades, and apply it in my own marriage.

One of the most effective lessons I’ve learned over the years is the importance of fostering this incredibly important skill set in our marriage.

It’s fascinating how making this simple attitude adjustment changes the way we view the world and all that is in it, including our marriage and our mates.

Life and parenting coach, Tamazin Heher with ZinHeher.com, shares her top five tips.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

(P.S. Minneapolis Residents: I’m headed your way this Thursday (4/10)! See me on Twin Cities Live at 3pm and then meet me at 7pm. More Info Here.)

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When you and I fell in love with our spouses, it’s likely we both adored and admired every little thing about them. 

Do you remember that?  

If you’re anything like me, the many wonderful things that made your husband special always trumped his idiosyncrasies and flaws.

But as with all things, once the newness wears off and time goes on, it’s easy to take the good stuff for granted and to focus more on what we don’t have than what we do.

So how do we turn a “Honey-Do” marriage back into a Honeymoon marriage?

It will likely not come as a surprise to you that research shows fostering an attitude of gratitude may be the single most important skill for a happy marriage.  Of course, there are many other important skills you can foster, but gratitude always remains at -or very close to- the top of the list.  

So if you want to take your marriage from good to great, it may not take much; just an attitude of gratitude adjustment.

5 ways you can make a gratitude adjustment:

1. Nurture fondness and admiration.  Remember the first time you saw your husband doing something he was really good at? It was sexy right? Take the time to pay attention and admire his strengths and his passions. Make a list of these, from the highly skilled tasks to the mundane, and then take time to witness him engaging in these activities. Before long, you’ll become his biggest admirer (again).

2. Be mindful. Chances are you are surrounded by his actions of love, big and small, every day. Practice mindfulness by actively noticing the things he does on a daily basis. Even if the actual frequency of “acts of love” doesn’t increase, you will experience an increase: we see more of what we pay attention to in our lives.

3. Share your gratitude with him. Tell him in the moment, leave him a note, or write him a letter of gratitude. When we express gratitude to our partners we develop trust and respect, and a desire in our partner to reciprocate. Research has found that couples who have ongoing reciprocal appreciation report being more committed and have longer-lasting relationships.

4. Listen.  While expressing gratitude may not come as any surprise, what may not be as intuitive about gratitude is listening. Sacrificing your time to really listen to what he’s saying shows that you value him more than anything else in that moment. So make eye contact, lean in and ignore the text that just came in.

5. Give and you shall receive. When we express gratitude, we’re not only giving something to the receiver, but doing something for ourselves. When we say “thank you” we are also acknowledging “I’m worthy”. People who regularly participate in a gratitude practice report feeling more satisfied, are more optimistic, have fewer health complaints, and are 25% happier than their non-gratitude practicing counter-parts.

Question:  How do you show gratitude to your husband?

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Tamazin Heher, MSW

Tamazin Heher, MSW is a Life & Parenting Coach who teaches the science-based skills of leading a happy life. Tamazin has worked with hundreds of clients helping them to find new joy in their marriages, parenting, and family life. She lives in Northern California with her husband of 12 years and three children. Tamazin regularly shares happiness research and advice in her blog at ZinHeher.com.

Latest posts by Tamazin Heher, MSW (see all)

• 5 Ways to Foster the Most Important Skill for a Happy Marriage - April 7, 2014