How to Fix the Fix-It Syndrome (When You Only Want Him to Listen)

By Kim Hall on Friday, February 21, 2014

How to Fix the Fix-It Syndrome

When I first saw the, “It’s Not About the Nail” video, I laughed my heart out.  And then realized, the reason it was so funny was for the first 8 years of our marriage, my poor husband was the one with the nail in his head.

It’s usually men who have the “fix-it syndrome” but in the case of my marriage, I was the one with the problem.  

What HWC contributor, Kim Hall, suggests here is almost identical to what I began doing to fix my “fit-it” challenge.

The beautiful thing about this “syndrome,” is the person trying to do the fixing means well.  It’s done in love.  And during the times when that way of expressing love becomes frustrating to your spouse (or vice versa), try this fantastic tip.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

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Have you experienced this before?

You and your husband are sitting together, enjoying a rare moment of quiet.

You turn to him and share about a problem you’re having, perhaps at work, or with a friend.

The moment you finish, your husband offers up his expertise in his concise and straightforward way.

He looks at you expectantly, waiting for your thanks, because he has just given you the best gift ever: a solution!

His expression quickly turns to dismay and puzzlement as he sees your anger beginning to flare.

“I just wanted you to listen. You don’t have to fix everything all the time.”

The fix-it syndrome has struck again.

This is such a familiar refrain in relationships that Jason Headley’s short and amusing, tongue-in-cheek video, “It’s Not About the Nail” went viral.

If you’ve ever felt similar frustration at not being heard, take heart.

There is a simple way to fix the fix-it syndrome.

First, it is helpful to remember that men and women are wired differently. While both sexes can be chronic fixers, men think more predominately in terms of problems and solutions.

Women enjoy discussing and empathizing, and especially like knowing they are being heard and understood. The process of solving the problem is almost as important as the solution.

Next time, instead of doing what you’ve always done and getting what you’ve always got, I invite you to do this:

Let your husband know what you want.

Tell him you just need to vent, for example, and need him to listen, that’s all.

Remember he is not a mind-reader.

To be even more proactive, give him the gift of this question he can ask you any time:

“Would you like me to listen, or would you like my help fixing this?”

It’s a fair and helpful question, and needs to be asked and answered with courtesy, compassion and respect, of course.

I can tell you that using that question in our household has contributed to much more peaceable conversations.

The funny thing is that whoever has the problem tends to be more open to advice, too.

As part of these conversations, you can these tips to avoid fights.

I also heartily endorse and echo what Kathi Lipp shared here recently: the objective is to resolve your difficulties, not to win.  After all, you and your husband are on the same team!

Question: How can you use these ideas to build a stronger marriage?

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim @ Too Darn Happy

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Kim Hall

Writer
Kim Hall created Too Darn Happy with the mission of helping you find happiness in all circumstances through the encouragement of faith, the practice of gratitude, and the discovery of joy, all spun together with fresh perspectives, practical advice, and a personal touch. She recently authored her first ebook, Practicing Gratitude and Discovering Joy-30 Days to a Happier You.

 

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  • Rebecca

    Great post! I always have to remind myself that my spouse is not a mind-reader.
    Also (and I learned this from the “Love & Respect” series) since they have a NEED to fix-it, give them opportunities to listen and offer solutions, on purpose.

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      What a terrific idea, Rebecca! Giving opportunities to fix, on purpose. So simple and powerful! Thanks.

  • LeAnn Williams

    This was a great post! I of course, loved the video because it is so true. I liked the idea of being proactive each time you want your husband to listen and not fix it. I have told my husband a few times; I just want your ear and a hug and I will be OK. He is getting better at it.
    I saw this video in a class I was taking recently. I think I will use it sometime.
    Blessings for greatly needed post!

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Hi LeAnn! That video just made me laugh, too. it hit the nail on the head, if you’ll allow me that pun. :-)
      I love what you say to your husband, as it tells him exactly what you do want. Thanks for sharing!

  • jrbcoug

    My husband asks me that question all the time!! “Do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it?” We established that so early in our relationship that we never run into the “fix it” problem. Such a great article!!

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      I imagine using that so early on has helped your marriage be more joyful! Thanks for sharing a real-life example of how this principle works!

  • MrsHappyWife

    I don’t think the “fix it syndrome” needs to be “fixed”! I’ve realized that my husband is giving me what I want when he tries to fix things for me. Obviously, he listened to me when I was talking about my problem – and not just with one ear, but with both ears, and his heart; listening closely enough to understand the situation and be able to find possible solutions! And I can easily fulfil his fix-it need by LETTING him give me his advice. After all, advice can be taken or left. But since men’s brains work so differently than women’s, more often than not he comes up with a solution I might never have thought of anyhow, so it benefits both of us.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Beautiful. Love that you are open to that.

  • Shelly

    We do this! It took many years for me to figure out that my husband needed to fix things all the time, and when I finally told him sometimes I just need him to listen. Sometimes I do need his advice on a problem, so I make sure and point out which situation is which. Mostly he just listens now though. :)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Love it!