6 Scientific Questions to Ask About Your Marriage

By Cheri Gregory on Monday, March 10, 2014

6 Scientific Questions to ask about your marriage

I am a research junkie. There are few things I love to do more than dive into stats and numbers.  

People are always shocked when I tell them I’ve never read a novel (at least not that I can remember).  

In the 80s, when I was required to read novels in school (think Uncle Tom’s Cabin), I’d head to the bookstore and pick up those yellow and black workbooks I loved so much (aka Cliff Notes).

I could never seem to work my way through a novel but I’d happily sit in the hallway, on the second story of our home, and read through the Britannica collection sitting on the shelves.  

My parents and I had a a contentious relationship (that’s putting it mildly) because I only responded to fact.  So when they’d tell me something was so because they “said so,” you can imagine how well that went.

Now, that I’m older, I still can’t seem to make my way through a novel, love nonfiction and can plug numbers into Excel spreadsheets for hours on end without ever getting bored (which came in handy as a hotel general manager).

Needless to say, awesome posts like this one from Cheri Gregory make me a do a happy dance!  Enjoy (I sure did ;) ).

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

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I love research.

Sure, some people manipulate statistics to “prove” whatever they want.

But I love solid studies about relationships. To me, they’re an easy way for me to learn how to have the best marriage possible. (I’ve already paid enough tuition to the school of hard knocks!)

I’m not saying that we should slavishly adhere to every conclusion generated by every study.  Each couple and relationship is unique. 

But some statistics can be valuable tools for reflection and, as needed, recalibration. Here are six questions, based on scientific research, that I keep in the back of my mind:

1.  Is our ratio of positive-to-negative interactions at least 5:1?  If not, why?  Sometimes our ratio drops because we’re in a difficult spot in our marriage. Other times, it drops because we’re going through a tough season of life. Either way, conscious attention to this ratio helps me be more intentional about adding more positivity to my words and actions.

2.  Are we averaging an hour (or more) a day together?  During some seasons, this was all-but-impossible. But we kept it in mind as our goal. We didn’t want to settle for 15 minutes becoming the new normal for our marriage. Now that our kids are out of the house, we are eagerly “making up for lost time” because we’ve hung on to the belief that more time together is better.

3.  Do we communicate respect even when we disagree?  Of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” of destructive marital communication, the worst is contempt.  Gottman calls it the “single greatest predictor of divorce.”  Since we want the opposite of divorce, we aim for the opposite of contempt. We consciously express respect, even (or should I say especially!) when we’re at odds with each other.  (This is vital for me: I tend to be very sarcastic, and sarcasm easily comes across as contempt.)

4.  Have we laughed together today?  Laughter triggers the release of happy hormones in our brains, counteracting stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol. Daniel constantly tells me, “You’re just so dang funny!” which, of course, only encourages me to crack more silly jokes and look for the funny flip side in every difficult situation. When neither of us can muster up a laugh, we watch favorite comedy videos together to remind us how much fun it is to laugh.  (Bonus: #4 double-dips with #1!)

5.  When was the last time we walked down memory lane? Playing the “Remember when…?” game often gives a much needed redirection to our focus.

  • “Remember when we lost 5th gear on the Accord one hour into a ten-hour drive?”
  • “Remember when we brought home a second cat and the two of them fought all night long…all over our bed?” 
  • “Remember those bargain brand blueberry muffin mixes we used to buy, with blueberry-flavored “bits” instead of berries?”

Reminiscing is a powerful bonding activity. It reminds us why we got together in the first place and how much history we’ve built together. 

6.  What’s something new we can try together? Daniel and I have finally found a way to exercise together:  While he goes on a 3-hour bike ride, I drive to his destination and wait to pick him up. Okay, so maybe this doesn’t quite qualify as “exercising together,” but it is something new that we’re enjoying immensely. While he rides, I hang out at Starbucks and write; then, we enjoy lunch together and head home. While we love the many comfortable routines of our relationship, intentionality with newness keeps our routines from becoming ruts.

A few free downloads for you:

What questions do you ask to keep your marriage happy?

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Cheri Gregory is a Certified Personality Trainer; contributor/co-author of a dozen books, including Wired That Way and 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids (with Kathi Lipp); and frequent speaker for MOPS groups, women's retreats, parent workshops, and educational seminars. She holds an M.A. in Leadership and is working on her PhD. Cheri has been "wife of my youth" to Daniel, a pastor, for over a quarter-of-a-century; they have two college-aged kids. She blogs about expectations, “baditude”, and hope at CheriGregory.com/blog.

 

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  • Katherine Leppo

    This is wonderful and insightful. Thank you for posting this. My Hubby and I have been married almost a full year! It is cool to know that we are on track with our relationship.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Katherine — So glad you found this valuable! And Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary!

  • http://www.aterriblehusband.com/about/ ATerribleHusband

    This is all sorts of awesome. I’m going to keep these very close! :)

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Thanks! And I’m looking forward to reading your blog — just subscribed! :-)

      • http://www.aterriblehusband.com/about/ ATerribleHusband

        Thanks, Cheri! Just added your blog to my feedly feed! Thanks so much for your support. I have some fun posts ready to go out over the next few weeks and hope you enjoy them. :)

  • Heather Donesky

    great article; #6 made me laugh. It gives me concrete things to work on. BTW, for #2, does each sitting at their computer withing 5 feet of each other count? ;)

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Heya Heather — Glad to give the gift of laughter! (And I am considering actually getting a bike so I can exercise WITH him…someday…!) As for parallel laptop usage, I love it when my husband brings his laptop downstairs “So I can work next to my wife.” We show each other funny videos, read blog posts aloud to each other, and alternate between silence and chit-chat. I wouldn’t want it to be our only hour per day. But we’ve found a rhythm that works for us — both of us — and I think that’s the key for any couple.

  • Maureenmom

    I like the “C” code…Communicate, Closeness, Caring, Committment n Christ. Grace of God Almighty has kept us together over 40 yrs. Not easy..oh, another “C” …Counseling. Do not be fearful of good counseling.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Wow, Maureenmom — 40+ years? What a legacy! Love your C’s … and I wholeheartedly agree with C. My only regret is that we were too proud to “Cave in” and go sooner. Could have saved ourselves, and our kids, unnecessary pain and regret.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yes, yes, yes! So many don’t go to counseling because of pride. Oh, your marriage is worth more than pride. So happy you said this, Maureenmom. My husband and I went to 12-weeks of premarital counseling before setting our wedding date. Best. Decision. Ever.

  • Katherine Shorter

    I so loved this Cheri! Hubby took a very analytical approach to our engagement/marriage…I thought that it was insensitive at first, but absolutely came to love and appreciate his practicality. He’s a very practical person and it was one of the best decisions we could have made. We did 30 hours of counseling with our Marriage Advocates then another 40 hours of premarital counseling with our minister. Priceless doesn’t begin to describe! Thanks for this article…definitely sharing :)

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Katherine — Thanks so much for sharing! And wow — 30 hours + 40 hours … how wise and intentional of you both. You prevented many unnecessary regrets, I’m sure.

  • http://positivelyaffirm.com Elissa Philgence

    Hi Cheri

    Great post. Very insightful and well thought out.

    Some of the question I ask myself daily to keep my marriage happy are:
    1. Did I pray for him today?–I believe it’s a blessing when we intercede on
    someone else behalf before God because it take a act of selflessness to pray for someone else and not for your own needs.

    2. Did I ask him about his day?–My husband is not a talker by nature, but I have learned that if I ask him how his day went, 6 of out 10 times he will open up and share what’s troubling him.

    3. Did I show him I appreciate him today?—words come easy, but deliberate actions are more meaningful.

    Thanks again for taking the time to share what you have learned with me.

    Peace to you.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Thank you, Elissa! These are great questions. #1 hits home…I know when I start feeling a gripe coming on about my husband that if I look back to the days and weeks prior, I’ve forgotten to pray for him because I’ve been focusing so much on myself. Love your point that “deliberate actions” are more meaningful — so true!

  • Bethany Jessie-Roche

    I have MS and a multitude of other diseases and painful ailments. Sometimes I lose sight of what our marriage is. It’s not just caregiver and patient . I need to remember hey he has feelings to and wants to relax and hang out and just be normal for once whatever normal is LOL. This is great. I’m copying it into my regular journal and I am going to look at the downloads offered on here especially the “Bragging on my Beloved” because I certainly don’t show him enough gratitude for all he does for me and the kids while working full time. I certainly don’t praise him in the gates (bragging about him) like it says in Proverbs 31. Thank you for a place to start.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Bethany — Bless your heart! I think Patsy Clairmont says it best: “Normal” is just a setting on the dryer. :-) Enjoy the journal…I’ve found that the more intentional I am about looking for things to brag about, the more I find.

  • Kendra

    These are great, Cheri! Thanks!