3 Simple Steps to Connect More Deeply with Your Husband

By Kim Hall on Friday, October 4, 2013

3 Simple Steps to Connect More Deeply with Your Husband

OH how I love HWC Contributor, Kim Hall!  

When I first visited her site, TooDarnHappy.com, a couple years ago, my first thought was, “This gal sounds pretty darn happy!”

For some, I know that’s a turn off; they immediately assume the person is being disengenuous.  But I’m an optimist so it drew me right in.  

The more I got to know her, the more I realized how deep that happiness ran (and her passion for practicing gratitude daily).

This much I know about Kim: she loves her husband, she adores her family, she is living the life she most desires, and she’s pretty darn happy!

For those reasons (and so many more), I love reading everything she writes.  So without further ado…

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Have you ever gotten into an apocalyptic battle a civil discussion with your husband about how you are being treated like a slave are not feeling appreciated?

Did you gain insight and perspective, or did one or both of you just ultimately walk away from the conversation with more hurt feelings?

Some time ago my hubby and I learned a better way to handle these situations, and we always come away feeling more enlightened and connected.

Here are 3 simple steps to connect more deeply with your husband:

1. Set the stage. Plan for quiet time together, just the two of you (no television or other distractions), perhaps by taking a walk, relaxing after a meal, or just getting comfortable.

2. Ask the question. The essence is this:“What do I do that shows you I love you?”

I encourage you to introduce it like this: “I’m curious. I’ve been thinking about the things that I do or could do that show you I love you, and I wonder if you would share something I do that makes you feel loved.

Your husband may need some time to think, possibly beyond today, especially if he feels he’s being pressured to give the “right answer”, which is probably not his true answer. Just be patient. After all, nagging probably doesn’t make him feel loved. :-)

3. Respond with loving action. . . even if his answer is not what you expected. There’s an excellent possibility he may not answer with the ONE THING that you are sure makes his heart sing. But then, that is the whole point of asking, isn’t it? Your goal is to gather quality information and act with awareness so your husband will feel deeply loved. 

If his answer surprises and/or disappoints you, this is NOT your cue to pounce on him like a tiger on wounded prey. Take a few deep breaths and get curious rather than frustrated.

Take the opportunity to share with him as well. Let him know something he does that shows you he loves you.  These actions can take many forms, such as leaving little love notes, gently touching your shoulder, taking out the trash, giving you his undivided attention, etc.

Once he shares what makes him feel loved, be sure to do more of that, and you will be delighted by the results!

Remember, it is what we pay attention to in our relationship that grows. 

QUESTION: What do you do that shows your husband you love him, or what does he do for you? I invite you to join in the conversation!

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim @Too Darn Happy

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Kim Hall

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Kim Hall created Too Darn Happy with the mission of helping you find happiness in all circumstances through the encouragement of faith, the practice of gratitude, and the discovery of joy, all spun together with fresh perspectives, practical advice, and a personal touch. She recently authored her first ebook, Practicing Gratitude and Discovering Joy-30 Days to a Happier You.

 

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  • candy

    i’m a wife who leaves away from my husband because he works in a sea-based. we’ve been married for 9 months and we stayed together for less than a month. it’s not really easy to handle the emotion…i keep on thinking how is he now. sometimes, i can’t control my emotion. i have to keep in mind that he leaves for us to have a bright future.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Absolutely! When we put ourselves in our spouses shoes, it allows us to see things through their eyes. So many of our members are the ones having to leave often for work (I’m actually writing this from a hotel as I travel on business and my husband is back at home) and it goes both ways. What is most important is what we do with the time we have together because that’s the only part we can control (at least, sort of :) ).

    • Susie Selorio

      Hi, my husband & I have been married for 20 years. He was sea based for a long time too. We kept our relationship strong and healthy by having a prayerful life, having open communication and making the most of the little time we spend together when he’s on vacation. Modern technology is certainly of great help-with email, skype, facebook to bridge the physical distance. Would you believe that we survived the era of snail mail way back. Sometimes, the long distance relationship can work to your favor by valuing each other more. Good luck to both of you :)

      • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

        Thanks, Susie, for adding this! Love this community. <3

      • candy

        Thank you Susie. I’m glad I’m not alone through this page. We keep in praying and hopeful always. Our communication is through cellular phone only. We never keep in touch using internet to avoid misinterpretation. As what his co-workers had experienced who keep in arguing in facebook or skype. He don’t want the same will happen to us. We agreed to use cellular phones as a way of communicating each other. Thanks God that it works.

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Ditto to what Fawn and Susie have said. It’s what we do with what we have that matters. What an amazing way for him to show you how much he loves you: to sacrifice to build a bright future!

  • http://www.modernmarried.com/ Maggie Reyes

    ohhhhhh how I LOVE simple tips with powerful results! this is AWESOME!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Me too, Maggie!

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Glad you like these, Maggie! I hope you are able to put them to good use after you return from Blogalicious. :-)

  • mamma_jo

    He helps me with the baby and the house when I don’t feel good. He never talks down to me. And when he kisses me in my secret place.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Oh yeah!!

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      He sounds like a real sweete!

  • http://www.facebook.com/melissa.fields.wallace Melissa Fields Wallace

    I am so happy he likes to do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking!! He will even run to the store at night because I forgot to tell him to get something. :-)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Is your husband my husband’s brother? :) Ditto here!

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Awww! What an amazing man. I am not surprised you are married to someone wonderful, Melissa. Sounds like you suit one another. :-)

  • jessicabutcher80

    I am so happy to be his partner in ministry. He is a pastor and I love being able to help him with the things that he needs. I straighten his office and take his suits to the cleaners etc….
    My love language is touch, so he always gives me a hug and a kiss every time he sees me.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      My love language is physical touch too! So interesting because I always thought that was his and mine was something else. Then we did the Love Languages assessment and learned that was actually my love language and I only thought it was his because he loves be so well in that way. Touching for sure.

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      I just love hearing about hubbies that know what makes their wives tick. What a sweetie pie you have! Thanks for sharing.

  • http://tamaralikecamera.blogspot.com/ Tamara Bowman

    I think I am very good at setting the stage, but sometimes I falter from there. This is nice. We’ve had some rough points, and some great points, and lately, I’m not feeling a lot of connection this week. However, the little things we do are still creeping through – he complimented a photo of me on Facebook and said it was a photo that partly made him fall in love with me. And I cleaned the kitchen (I rarely clean) so he could come home to an actual clean house. (never happens)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      You know what’s beautiful about tomorrow? It’s a brand new day; a brand new opportunity to build upon your connection with even more “little things.” I’m rooting for you and your husband, Tamara!

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Those hills and valleys. . .The good news is we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the joy of one without the difficulty of the other. You are taking steps in the right direction, and that’s what matters. Cheering you both on! BTW, I am swooning over his comment to you. How incredibly sweet!

  • Teresa Richardson

    My husband is computer savvy so he is constantly updating my computer and letting me know of programs he has found that I might like to have installed on my computer. He also empties the dishwasher for me.
    He likes me to make him fried potatoes and onions and homemade baked french fries. Also when he is stressed or overwhelmed (he has tourettes syndrome) I will sit in bed and play with his hair and massage his scalp to help him relax

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Love this! I was just with Maggie @ModernMarried today and she showed me this spreadsheet her husband creates for her every time she travels that lists all her hotel, air, travel details. He’s super organized and great with spreadsheets so this is just one of the many ways he shows his love. Sounds like her husband and your husband could be two peas in a pod :) .

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      How delightful to have a hubby who speaks in acts of service-a personal favorite of mine, too. :-)
      Sounds like you two have had this conversation about showing your love before. Thanks for sharing how simple acts can be so meaningful!

  • Rick@romantichusbands.com

    How romantic. I was just wondering, how would a wife feel if her husband was proactive and he was the the one asking the questions? Seems like it would work both ways, perhaps even better.

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Personally, I would love that! How it makes my heart sing that my hubby wants to know what really resonates with me and makes me feel deeply loved. Go for it, Rick!

  • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

    Fawn, thank you so much for your kind words and for the opportunity to be here. You have such a welcoming and warm place, full of delightful happy wives!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Isn’t it just great to be among these women? I stand in awe daily that I get the opportunity to be a part. Thanks for blessing our community with your wise words. <3

  • Lauren Lawson

    Usually these conversations are never planned. We will be sitting and just talking, then one of us will open up about something that has been on our hearts. Most importantly is to learn how to navigate these vulnerable moments. :) Love the post!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      And those vulnerable moments can bring us closer at such a deep level, don’t you think?

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      A great point, Lauren! To recognize those moments as opportunities to further enrich our marriages is priceless. What a testament to the love and trust in your marriage! Glad you enjoyed the post.

  • Cassie

    I think this is a great exercise! You really are asking your husband what love language should I be speaking to you. Typically the things that he enjoys will start to fall under the same love language. Then, you know where to focus! Firm believer in this! My husband feels loved with words of affirmations so I will leave him notes, shoot him an encouraging email, let him know I am there for him while he pursues his dreams. Etc. I am more of a quality time person. My husband makes sure he is ready to eat dinner each night together so we can catch up on the day.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      That’s so true, Cassie. I hadn’t actually looked at it that way but you are asking him about his love language (and he, in turn, is doing the same for you).

    • http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

      Exactly, Cassie! You are asking for a practical example of a love language. Thanks for sharing your examples of how you and your husband practice using your love languages. It’s actually really simple when you know what your spouse loves!

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    How to Get your husband Back after a Divorce or Bad Breakup

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