I’m not a big television person.  I probably watch TV once a month and go to the movies about as often.  That is a part of what made last season’s American Idol so fascinating for me.  Not only did I watch it every week but I then proceeded to vote the moment the phone lines opened and would press redial to cast my vote for the same person 100-plus times.

It all started during the American Idol auditions in Milwaukee.  There was a 16-year old kid from Garner, North Carolina with a voice that reminded me of a younger Garth Brooks.  He opened his mouth to sing the first few bars of Josh Turner’s Your Man (Baby, lock the door and turn the lights down low) in the deepest voice I’ve ever heard from a teenager and I was hooked!  I told Keith, I want to adopt him!  To which he quickly assured me this kid was doing just fine.  Even still, you would have thought I was a proud mother the way I cheered for him all season long. 

To this day, I don’t know how I as an African-American woman in her mid-thirties, born and raised in Los Angeles, working non-stop since I was 18-years old and moves at the pace of the energizer bunny fell in love with the slow, simple lifestyle provided only through country music.  When Keith and I first met, he loved every type of music – and I mean everything from heavy medal to R&B – except country.  But I was determined to make him a fan.  Maybe I’ll write something about that funny transition later this week…

Anyhow, Scotty McCreery, the teenager from N.C. made a fan out of me – and America – from day one.  One judge, Jennifer Lopez, after the audition said, “…he’s legendary” to which judge Randy Jackson said, “He’s on his way.”  I drove my family crazy the entire season.  They were all rooting for a few other contestants so we bantered about that every time I went to visit them.  My mom was the only one who liked Scotty (likely because I think all moms liked Scotty).

So it’s no surprise when his album became available this past week, I went online and pre-ordered it.  Yes, I was excited to purchase the CD of a 17-year old kid from the South.  I popped the CD in my car stereo and blasted it for the hour long drive to my parent’s home and excitedly showed it off to them when I arrived.  They all shook their heads (as country music isn’t exactly the genre played in the family household) but indulged me by allowing me to play my favorite tracks from the album.  The first song I played was the one that quickly became my favorite on the drive over to the house: Dirty Dishes. 

The melody and Scotty’s singing were great but what really got me were the lyrics:

Mama hollers “Supper time,
And don’t make me tell you twice
Wash your hands and wipe your face.
The table’s no place for your toys,
And try to use your inside voice,
Don’t dig in ’til we say Grace.”
So we put down our forks and bowed our heads
And then she prayed the strangest prayer ever said:

“I wanna thank You Lord,
For noisy children and slamming doors,
And clothes scattered all over the floor,
My husband workin’ all the time,
Draggin’ in dead tired at night,
My never ending messy kitchen
And dirty dishes.”

We all got real still and quiet,
And daddy asked “Hon, are you alright?”
She said, “Dear, ain’t nothing wrong,
Noisy kids are happy kids,
And slamming doors just means we live,
In a warm and loving home,
Your long hours and those dishes in the sink,
Means a job and enough to eat.

So I’m gonna thank You Lord,
For noisy children and slamming doors,
And clothes scattered all over the floor,
A husband workin’ all the time,
Draggin’ in dead tired at night,
A never ending messy kitchen

For my little busy bees
Beggin’ mama, mama can we please?
Always wantin’ me to call their name
Loads of laundry pilin’ up
Crayons crushed into the rug
And those little sticky kisses
And dirty dishes,
And dirty dishes…”

Listening to this song made me think about how grateful I am for my marriage, our love, our family and every single thing that makes us unique.  I truly believe gratefulness is one of the most important ingredients in the recipe for a great life and a successful marriage.  When Keith and I go out to dinner he teases me because I almost never bring my purse or wallet.  “Why should I,” I tease, “We’re on a date.”

In the years we’ve been together, I’ve never taken for granted the times he takes me out to dinner (which is often since neither of us have much time to cook after work), to the movies or even buys me a frozen yogurt.  And on the rare occasions I pull cash out of my pocket to pay for something, I still say thank you and show my appreciation for him going with me to the store or restaurant or movies.  I’m grateful.  There are many other things he could be doing and he’s chosen to do something with me.

Sometimes when we get comfortable in our marriage we can forget to say thank you.  To show our gratitude to the one who has dedicated their life to us.  We forget how much our husbands need to feel appreciated.  We forget how much they need to know our lives would not be the same without them.  Simple things like taking out the trash or changing a light bulb.  “Thank you” is free and yet it’s one of the most valuable currencies around.

I know there are certain things we think our husband’s should just do.  And most of it is true.  But even if it’s something they should do and we expect them to do, it doesn’t mean we can’t show our gratefulness.  G.K. Chesterton once said, “I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”

When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to your husband or children for something they did or just for being?  I am a true believer that gratitude is what opens the doors to sustained peace and happiness.  When we focus on what is good and what is right, somehow what is less than perfect seems to fall by the wayside.  A friend of mine posted on her Facebook page the other day, “When you change the way you look at things… The things you look at change.” 

Look into your husband’s eyes today and find as much to be grateful for as possible and just keep saying “thank you” until he tells you to stop.  I’m telling you, it works!  They love it and they’ll love you more for it.  And oddly enough, the more we say thanks, the more thankful we become, and the better our life will seem…and will be.  Never underestimate the power and importance of gratitude.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

I mentioned in Tuesday’s post that I recently crossed Spanish immersion off my bucket list.  This was an incredible feat because I’d wanted to do this for years but Keith was not a fan for a couple reasons.  His main problem with me going to another country to learn the language was, in his words, “Everybody’s got at least one crazy uncle!” 

With immersion, most programs require you stay with a host family that only speaks the language you’re learning.  Needless to say, it took 7 years to find a school that didn’t require me to stay with a host family and my 35^thbirthday (it’s always good to use special birthdays with a bit of “pleeeeeaaassseeee” for requests that have previously been crushed).  He finally said yes…with a great deal of reservation.  His concern for my safety was great and who could blame him.

In order for me to leave for a month, I had to put things in order for my company and to set things up to run smoothly without me around.  I knew when I returned I was going to need to hit the ground running and the days following my return would be hectic.  So what possessed me to register at the local college to take a Spanish course that would start two days after I returned home?  Insanity.

One of the things they tell you when being immersed in another language is to make sure as soon as you return home to figure out a way to keep studying every single day.  Since I’m a bit of a perfectionist and like to get A’s, I knew taking a class at a local college would be the way to make me continue studying every day.

On the first day of class, the professor said, “You will need 16 hours each week to dedicate solely to my class.  You will spend 5 hours with me, 1 hour in language lab and an additional 10 hours on homework.  And if you think I’m one of those professors who talk a tough game but then give you less work than they say, ask my former students.  You will need no less than 16 hours a week.”  Now, I’d just returned from being away from work for a month.  I couldn’t dedicate 16 hours to a class.  So the smart move would be to drop the course and to try again the next semester.  But I’m a glutton for punishment so I decided against doing the smart thing.

What is it about women that we think we can do everything? Men know their limitations.  They go to work.  Some work out.  Then they come home and do as little as necessary.  They recognize their limits and stick with them.  Even their mothers knew their limitations which is why boys always have less work than girls growing up.  This is likely what possesses us to think we can work full time, take care of the kids, take care of the house and oh yes, dedicate 16 additional hours a week to taking classes.  I think God placed a little “nuttiness” inside all women.  We sing, “I’m every woman” but we should really be singing, “I’m a nutty woman, it’s all in me!”

So here I am trying to juggle running an internet company, going to school twice a week, a ridiculous amount of homework, getting involved with a Spanish church and Spanish club (to continue with the immersion), spend time with my parents each week who are a bit ill, give of myself to friends and family (I have 5 siblings), keep up with this blog I enjoy so much and still have quality time with my hubby.  I’ve overcommitted myself.  I usually do.  But at least I’ve gotten better in recent years with limiting how much of me I am willing to give. 

Women are not the best at limiting ourselves.  We usually feel guilty about saying no.  When I first began using that fabulous monosyllabic word, I felt horribly guilty.  I’d say no and then sulk for the rest of the day feeling bad about it.  I still feel bad when I have to say no.  But I know it’s important.  If a friend wants to get together or if my family is having an event, if I have something else going on the same weekend, someone has to hear no.  I need a day to rest.  I need to renew.  I need alone time with my hubby.  Weekdays are so crazy, the weekends are our time to regroup.  I can’t fill both days with events, people and errands.  It’s just not healthy.

So I’ve learned to say no to other’s requests.  It took years, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it.  What I’m still not good at is telling myself no.  I pack my schedule with so much and then waste additional time in the day.  I don’t know about you but Facebook is a horrible time suck for me.  I can spend an hour looking at everyone’s status updates and photos.  I plan to go on and post a quick update and an hour later I’m still on that darn thing. 

So I’ve made a decision, this week I’m fasting from Facebook and internet reading (I can’t even tell you how often I get pulled into reading an article when I only wanted to go online to check my Gmail).  Maybe this “fast” will free up some time.  I’ll go on Facebook only one day this week.  Ditto with internet searches or reading the news online.  I’ll let you know how much free time it gives me.  Or should I say, how much time it frees up so I can dedicate it to one of the other dozen things on my “to do” list.

Give it a try too.  I bet you too have more things on your plate than you can even imagine and Facebook and internet searching/reading takes up more time than you have to give.  Reroute that time this week to your hubby and the kids.  See what happens. 

Ooh, and if you’re really feeling bold, remove email from your iPhone, Blackberry or any other smart phone you use and see how much time that frees up.  I did that a couple years ago and you wouldn’t believe how much better I feel.  I tell those I work with, if it’s an emergency – pick up the phone and dial my number.  I assume all emails can be returned when I’m at my computer.  That gave me back a lot of time (and I stress less). 

Try it out.  See how much time you get back.  I bet the office won’t burn down because you’re not checking email from your phone.  And I bet you didn’t miss anything important on your friend’s status updates.  Because, really, if it was that important they’d call or text you, right?  Let’s hold our breath and unplug for a week and see what happens.  I’d love to hear your experience so feel free post your comments below.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

I’ve been married almost 8 years now and Keith and I just discovered something the other day.  My love language is: physical touch.  My secondary love language is: words of affirmation.  Have you read the 5 Love Languages?  That book has been on my list forever but I’m yet to read it (I even think I bought it and it’s in a pile of books somewhere).  But with the trusty dusty internet, I was able to look up the synopsis of the book and glean quite a bit of good information.  Enough to be able to determine my love language.

The premise of the book is this: “Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages.”  This author of this bestselling book (over 5 million sold), Dr. Gary Chapman, has been a marriage counselor for 30 years and has identified what he says are the 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Who would have thought my love language would be physical touch?  And we just discovered not only is it mine but it’s also Keith’s.  Both of us have a secondary love language (which is almost equally as important but not as much) and that’s words of affirmation.  You can pick up the book for more info (or just go to its website as they do a good job explaining the love languages there: www.5lovelanguages.com).

The way I found out was a bummer though: withdrawal.  I was recently in Costa Rica for a month on a Spanish immersion trip (one of the things on my bucket list I’d been hoping to cross off for years) and was without Keith for a month.  We video Skyped every day and his mom went on the trip with me so it wasn’t that bad.  While I was away, he was promoted to a role in his company that took him from overseeing US government relations to worldwide.  Needless to say, he had plenty to keep him busy while I was gone.

When I returned, it was like he’d missed me his whole life.  I came back late on a Saturday night and for 24-hours, we never left each other’s side (almost literally).  But then the work week began again and his days ran into night and he was exhausted by the time he got home.  As soon as I returned from the trip, I was also inundated with work.  I began a Spanish class here at the local college to make sure I didn’t lose everything I’d just spent 6 hours a day for a month learning (I don’t know why I thought I could add classes 2 days a week to my schedule – more on this another day).  We became two trains passing in the night.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I could feel we were more distant but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  Something didn’t feel right but I didn’t know what.  I’m the type of person that looks for patterns and tries not to jump to any conclusion until I’ve see a pattern emerging.  It wasn’t until we went to see Moneyball this past Friday night that I realized what it was.  We’d been away from each other so long we’d begun doing things on our own.  We found a coping mechanism while apart which was keeping ourselves as busy as possible – and a bit detached.

Usually, when we are sitting near each other, we are always intertwined.  My head is nuzzled in his chest, his arm is wrapped around my shoulder or his hand is rubbing my leg.  We’re always touching.  Stroking each other’s face, lightly massaging each other’s neck, holding hands, etc.  We sat next to each other for two hours through a movie and barely touched.  He reached over for, maybe, 5 minutes to rub my legs.  And then I immediately knew what was off.  What I’d been feeling for a few weeks but couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

When we got in the car, I addressed the issue but we didn’t discuss it much because we have an agreement not to discuss potentially weighty issues when we’re tired (10pm ish).  We made this agreement in premarital counseling 8 years ago and we’ve stuck to it.  So although I brought it up, we didn’t really deal with it until the next morning.  Keith woke me up early with a kiss and back rub and…ummm…  And then we talked.

In our conversation, we realized not only was physical touch (outside of the bedroom) how I received love it was also his way of receiving love.  Meaning, I didn’t need him to tell me he loved me verbally.  He could just look me in the eyes and stroke the side of my face and it was more powerful to me than him saying a word.  Me kissing him on his forehead or ear while holding his hand was more powerful to him than any word I could say.  Then it hit me.  Wow, what if we never figured this out.  If we simply continued at the hectic pace we’d somehow adopted and become two trains passing in the night?  We could have begun growing apart and never realize the cause until years down the road.

Hmmm…this is starting to sound like an endorsement for buying the 5 Love Languages.  Maybe that’s what this is (although I can’t endorse something I haven’t read).  What I will say is this: it is worth your time to identify your love language and your husband’s.  You don’t have to know everything about the “language” just knowing what it is can be helpful. 

I think it’s pretty easy to identify.  Which of the 5 languages Dr. Chapman identified make you feel the most loved?  When your husband cooks, washes the dishes and takes the kids to school to give you a day off, do you feel most loved then?  When he comes home with a gift for no reason, does that say ‘I love you’?  Knowing what your love language is can be hugely beneficial for you both.  For instance, if Keith brought a gift home for me I’d be appreciative but it wouldn’t speak to my heart.  I don’t care much about gifts.  Acts of service…ditto.  What I care about is physical touch.  Embracing me says “I love you” more than anything else he could ever do.

What is your love language? What is your hubby’s?  What are your kids?  Do you know?  Well, that seems like a fun exploratory mission if you haven’t already done this exercise.  If you’ve done this before, I’d be curious to know how you learned of your love language and if it’s had a positive impact on your relationship.  Post your thoughts below…we’d love to hear them.

Until tomorrow…make it a great day!

It’s a new dawn.  It’s a new day, it’s a new life.  And I’m feeling gooooooooood.  Cue the horns: da da da da da da.  No, this isn’t a Weight Watchers commercial with Jennifer Hudson.  What many of you don’t know is I love to sing.  And I mean really sing.  Loud with a little Elvis hip movement is my favorite way to belt out a hit.  Unfortunately, I can’t sing!  Keith always jokes, “Sweetie, your voice is so precious you should put it in a box and place it delicately on a shelf.  And when the time is right, you should take the box down and share your voice with the world.  I’ll let you know when the time is right.”  And you guessed it, in 8 years the time has never been right.

So I’m singing this song in my head (with a little hip action) as to not wake the neighbors or send my lovely husband to work with a bad taste in his mouth.  But this song made me think about this Club so I’m feeling goooooooood da da da da da da… 

It’s a new day.  What does that mean?  It means Happy Wives Club is getting an overhaul.  I will be the first to admit I’ve been lazy over the past year as it relates to this Club.  Like a billion other things I’ve started with gusto only to allow fizzle out, this Club was headed in that direction.  Not because I didn’t value the members or didn’t see its important but because it takes more time to blog than many think. 

What was I thinking starting a blog and I was the only one writing?  Other sites I love like TheDatingDivas.com (great job, Tara and gang) or FitMomsFitKidsClub.com (love it, Annett) were smart enough to enlist people to help write the daily blogs.  But not me.  I just started writing…and writing…and writing until I got bored with my own words.  But this site is about so much more than my words.

This club is about the collective voice of its members rejecting traditional thoughts on love and marriage.  It’s a desire of the thousands of members of this club around the world to be a part of something (I don’t like to use the word movement so insert any word you like) that builds up marriage in our own hearts, as well as in the eyes of our children (who could soon live in a world where marriage is no longer valued and is wholly undermined by divorce rates and tales of being unhappily married ever after). 

When I began the club, I was just searching for happy wives to give a voice to women like me who adore their husbands and love being married.  Now, it’s evolving.  It’s no longer just about finding happy wives but about also helping create them.  A marriage doesn’t have to start out “happy” to end that way. 

Most of us are not taught how to live with another person or how to merge our life with that of another.  So where do we learn it?  How can a marriage be turned from dull and mundane to loving, exciting and lasting?  Hmmm…where do we start?  I’ve got an idea.  We have brilliant members out there with so many thoughts on this and I’m going to ask them to share.

So this is what a new day means, I’m dusting off this site and relaunching it as less of a novelty (something the press likes) and making it more meaningful.  As many days as possible, I will come to this site and check in with you.  Give you a thought for that day or introduce a guest blogger with the same desire as me, to see lives improved for married couples all over the world and to increase the number of smiles seen on the faces of women who have pledged, ‘til death do us part.’

So, here we go!  The first time we launched the site there was fanfare and media associated.  This time, we’ll do this quietly.  It’s just you, me and maybe 10,000 or so like us.  Let’s change the way the world thinks about marriage…one happy wife at a time!